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Check Out This Exclusive Trailer for 'Broad City'

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Upright Citizens Brigade alums Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer are bringing their critically-acclaimed digital series to Comedy Central. "Broad City" will premiere on Wednesday, January 22 at 10:30 p.m. ET/PT, following the season four premiere of "Workaholics." Jacobson and Glazer star as two best friends hustling and struggling their way through their twenties in New York City.

Series regulars include Hannibal Buress, Arturo Castro, Paul Downs, John Gemberling, Chris Gethard and Stephen Schneider. Keep an eye out for hilarious guest stars, as well, like Fred Armisen, Jason Mantzoukas, Amy Poehler, Amy Sedaris and many more.

Fans can currently follow Abbi and Ilana on Instagram (broadcity), get a behind-the-scenes look at the show's production on Tumblr, and like them on Facebook. And, if you can't wait until Jan. 22, the first episode can been seen in its entirety on CC.com right now.

 

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Khloe Terae Shows Some Skin

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You may have read that Netflix is on a streak. The rental giant, known for creating "House of Lies," has given an order to the series "Marco Polo." Polo was an Italian merchant who traveled and introduced Europeans to Asia. So what's that got to do with Playboy model Khloe Terae? We at Mandatory like to think of ourselves as travelers in a way, seeking the Internet for the best to bring you. With that in mind, we present some shots from Khloe's Instagram. Scroll down and enjoy some sights Marco Polo would probably have gone crazy over.

Khloe Terae, Khloe Terae sexy photosKhloe Terae, Khloe Terae sexy photosKhloe Terae, Khloe Terae sexy photosKhloe Terae, Khloe Terae sexy photosKhloe Terae, Khloe Terae sexy photos

 

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Cara Brett Busts Out

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Apparently, a new bill from Washington came out and science funding is down, even below President Bush levels. That's a stinker for science. Think about it. Science gave us Tang and the Internet and silicone boobies. That's a win-win for everyone. Sure, you can call your congressperson to complain. But you probably won't. I wouldn't, either. Not with the lovely shots of English glamour model Cara Brett taken from her Twitter to look at. Scroll down and enjoy.

Cara Brett, Cara Brett sexy photosCara Brett, Cara Brett sexy photosCara Brett, Cara Brett sexy photosCara Brett, Cara Brett sexy photosCara Brett, Cara Brett sexy photos

 

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Chess Match Gets Heated, Ends When One Player Eats His Opponent's Heart

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Indy, cover your heart!

An Italian man living in Dublin while working for a pharmaceutical company there has been charged with murder after stabbing his opponent and attempting to eat his heart following an argument during a game of chess the two had been engaged in for over a year. It's unknown whether or not his company manufactures bath salts, but it should be obvious which way we're leaning.

Authorities say 34-year-old Saverio Bellante has already admitted to mutilating 39-year-old Tom O'Gorman, who was not only Bellante's chess partner but also his landlord for the past few months. Friends of O'Gorman said he loved a good argument, and if that's the case, then to say he died doing what he loved best is more of an understatement than referring to Melissa McCarthy as pudgy.

chess player eats heart of opponent

Bellante apparently became so enraged with O'Gorman during their chess match that he stabbed him dozens of times, smashed his head with a dumbbell, opened his chest, "removed" one of his lungs, and attempted to snack on his heart.

But in his defense, that move from bishop to rook three was absolute bull shit.

(via Belfast Telegraph)

Related: The 10 Most Senseless Reasons for Horrible Murders

 

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Former Olympic Silver Medalist Tanith Belbin is Irresistible

Is This The Best Movie Stunt Prank Ever?

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Devil's Due, a movie that's about, I assume, Satan's baby, needed a little extra marketing promotion. So they did what any awesome movie marketing team would do and created a remote-controlled stroller with a realistic Satan spawn toddler (also remote-controlled) and drove it around New York City.

As the seemingly empty stroller rolled up to people, passersby would peak into the pram, to see if someone had left their baby alone and drifting along the streets of NYC, only to be terrified when an extremely realistic looking baby popped up screaming a hellscape scream and terrified all who came across it.

And it even pukes. We need more movie marketing like this. Check out Devil's Due in Theaters January 17th.

 

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You'll Never Watch 'Ghost' The Same Way Again

The Most Famous Writing Advice From the Most Famous Writers

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For the creatively blocked and uninspired, how about a little help from your friends? Advice from famous writers means simple ideas from people who understand the struggles of the writing process, have been there, and henry miller, henry miller authorknow the secrets to overcoming them. Here are 15 of the finest pieces of advice for writers everywhere.

"Writing is its own reward." - Henry Miller

If you're looking to write for money, recognition, fame or any sort of material gain, your work will be a reflection of that. You'll pander to audiences, write about things like everybody else and fit right in line with all the people waiting to get into the hall of fame. Dare to be bold and tell a story no one's heard before. Write about something that excites you or don't write at all; because you won't be exciting anybody else either.


"Don't describe an emotion - make it." - Ernest Hemingway

Words don't always do justice to an emotion, like a camera trying to capture a sunset the same way your eyes do, but instead of describing the feeling, make the feeling. Otherwise, you'll miss the mark, and more importantly, the point.

hunter s. thompson, hunter s. thompson smoking
"No music + Bad TV = Bad mood & no pages." - Hunter S. Thompson

Silence can be golden, but if you're going to fill your head with something, it should be conducive music or something inspiring. Putting on reruns of bad TV is only going to frustrate you - especially if you have good taste - and keep you from good work.


"Be persistent, endure struggle and hone your craft. Develop a routine and be relentless about it." - Jack Kerouac

This speaks to the idea of creating a consistent, routine part of daily life. Even if you're not in the mood to write, you should write, if nothing else to learn something about writing when it's not flowing. The more you write, the more you learn about your weak spots, the better you become at removing them. It can't always be rainbows and sunshine, but we can sure try.


"The secret is in the line." - Charles Bukowski

Giving everything to your words is a tough way to write, but it's the honest way. Don't rush your work and write things you don't mean, as the end result is shitty writing. If you give each line your all - though it may take longer - you appreciate your work more, giving it more meaning, more quality and yourself a sense of self-worth and time well spent. If you've got somewhere better to be, then you're more likely in it for the wrong reason and should work under a time clock somewhere else.


"Absolute silence isn't imperative, in fact I often have the radio going, but I must be alone. Can't have anybody with me, even in the next room." - J.D. Salinger

An honest writer or artist will live alone, or at least in some sort of seclusion, where the ideas can flow uninterrupted. If you're living with a bunch of people and partying like a clown while not sitting your ass down, you're simply a poser. If you want to be a good writer, you'll write as much as you can and keep your mouth shut about it until it's done.


"It's a good rule not to tell what a thing is about until it's finished. If you do you always seem to lose some of it. It never quite belongs to you so much again." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

See. Even Fitzgerald agrees with me. Telling people constantly what you're working on adds more pressure to finish and create something impressive. There's nothing wrong with writing something and tucking it away as if it never happened. The only people you should be telling are people you know can improve your process after you bring it to them. Write something completely first, then share it.


"Be a sadist. Nkurt vonnegut, kurt vonnegut smokingo matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them in order that the reader may see what they are made of." - Kurt Vonnegut

Although it's self-explanatory, many writers steer away from doing bad things in inspiring stories without realizing it's the hero's journey to go through hell and high water and come out on the other side. Here's more good advice from Vonnegut: "Every sentence should either reveal character or advance the story, and every character should want something, even if it's only a glass of water."


"The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it." - Steven Pressfield in "The War of Art"

Fear of success, rejection and other inevitable emotions keep people from entering or finishing the writing process when, in fact, fear should be the motivator. There's no better strategy for fear than to face it head on. Stare that big grizzly bear in the face and challenge yourself to overcome. Otherwise, fear wins and you end up working at Starbucks for life.


"If you desire to arrest attention, to surprise, do not give me the facts in the order of cause and effect, but drop one or two links in the chain, and give me a cause and an effect two or three times removed." - Ralph Emerson

Predictable storytelling is dead, especially when you look at television today. The successful shows are the ones constantly throwing you for a loop. Seeds are planted, some grow into larger story lines and others fade away in the dirt as if they never were planted. Allow plenty of opportunities to arise in your writing, giving you options, but know that you don't need to use them all.

oscar wilde, oscar wilde portrait
"Make some sacrifice for your art, and you will be repaid, but ask of art to sacrifice herself for you and a bitter disappointment may come to you." - Oscar Wilde

Spoken like a true poet, Oscar eludes to the fact that sacrifices have to be made in order to achieve truly good writing. Going out on the town, getting skunked, laid and paid are things that might need to take a backseat when you're striving to create something that's bigger than you. But those things may come back around if and when your hard work pays off, but don't expect anything in return. Enter the process with no expectations of its outcome.


"All the information you need can be given in dialogue." - Elmore Leonard

Narration helps move the story along, fills in the gaps, but real life has little to no narration. Remember that when you're writing, but also notice how dialogue says things in people's expressions that narration can't quite say.


"Not that the story needs be long, but it will take a long while to make it short." - Henry David Thoreau

Don't use ten words when four will do, but don't worry about that in a first draft. Write what comes out and edit later, or as Hemingway says, "Write drunk, edit sober." If 500 pages come out, you can always edit it down to half that, but you can't double a hundred pages by going back and adding in useless adjectives.
ray bradbury, ray bradbury author

"Any man who keeps working is not a failure. He may not be a great writer, but if he applies the old-fashioned virtues of hard, constant labor, he'll eventually make some kind of career for himself as a writer." - Ray Bradbury

It takes a long time for most writers to find their style and make strides in the right direction, but not every writer makes it to the Promised Land. Just know that the harder you try, the more likely people are to take notice, which can pay off in other ways, like writing for a website for men. If you like writing, then write. Good things come to those who work hard.


"So the writer who breeds
more words than he needs
is making a chore
for the reader who reads."
- Dr. Suess


Once again, brevity is key. Most writers hit hard on this idea because it's a tough skill to craft. As much as we want to throw in the kitchen sink, keeping it simple and concise while giving action to the words we use moves things swiftly. It's better to have a 250 words straight to the point rather than 400 dancing around ideas that confuse the reader. Don't be too stubborn to throw out words, even if they seem special to you. Say what you want to say and move on. Have confidence in the words you choose, because overthinking them will only cloud your story.

dr. suess, dr. suess characters

 

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41 Things We Won't Do Out of Spite

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Spite is a wonderful thing. It can turn an everyday, boring activity into a joyous mission to crush your rivals. In the name of spite, here a few things we just refuse to do.

1. Read the "Game of Thrones" books.
2. Go to that one restaurant you keep talking about.
3. Listen to "What the Fox Says."
4. Watch Downton Abbey.
5. Juice some kale.
6. Get an AIDS test.
7. Know what you mean when you say, "Do you know what I mean?"
8. Love Jennifer Lawrence.
9. See "The Book of Mormon."
10. Get gay married.
11. Train for a triathlon.
12. Buy a bike and then ride it.
13. Go out for tapas.
14. Embrace soccer.
15. Reply to your email.
16. Agree to disagree.
17. Listen to your story about your dream last night.
18. Switch to the Galaxy.
19. Wipe.
20. Sit through "Gravity."
21. Have a child.
22. Say "I'm just sayin'."
23. Snap any chats.
24. "Go Paleo."
25. Twerk it hard.
26. Beliebe.
27. Talk about my addiction to Candy Crush.
28. Get fingered by Woody Allen.
29. Learn how to pronounce "Sochi."
30. Meet and/or Greet.
31. Fake the funk on a nasty dunk.
32. Call 911 even though you're clearly having a heart attack.
33. "Like" your Facebook post about your four-year-old's "Princess Party."
34. Spell Wennsday correctly.
35. Visit.
36. Let you finish talking before I start talking even louder.
37. Stop making "fax" jokes.
38. Say the words "Awards Season."
40. Follow your rules of Hindu-Arabic numerical order.
41. Build a viable online men's brand by creating shareable content across multiple verticals.

Image via spitefuls.com

 

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21 Awful Jokes From Bad Joke Eel

Apparently, The Beatles Were Total Smartasses

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They're regularly hailed as the greatest band in the history of music, but they definitely don't get the credit they deserve when it comes to busting balls in the press. Here are some highlights.




Via TumblHer

 

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The Post-Game Interview Athlete Translator

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There are no honest post-game interviews with athletes anymore. Every Q&A devolves into an avalanche of cliches that we've all heard a million times before. We're here to help sort through all of that nonsense with the post-game interview athlete translator. Now you'll finally know what's really on your favorite athlete's mind when he's talking to the media.

post-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translatorpost-game interview athlete translator

 

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Today's Funniest Photos

The Periodic Table of Stuff Drunk People Like

Pet Parrot Turns Into Rat, Squeals on Owner for Drunk Driving

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This is why we own dogs.

As an intoxicated Guillermo Reyes inched his blue Chevy closer to the front of a DUI checkpoint in Mexico City last week, any number of things could have been running through his mind, like "Maybe they won't notice if I suck on a peso." Or maybe the more common, "God, if you get me through this, I'll never drink and drive again, I swear."

Yet we're pretty sure the last thing Reyes was thinking was, "Gosh, I sure hope my pet parrot doesn't tell these officers that I'm hammered."

But according to police, that is exactly what happened.

When officers approached his car, a voice could be heard yelling, "He's drunk! He's drunk." Expecting to find another person inside the vehicle, police were shocked to find only Reyes' pet parrot.

parrot tells police driver is drunk, parrot

Reyes failed his sobriety test and was taken to a local jail where he was held on drunken driving charges. Officers originally called the Animal Surveillance Brigade to take away the parrot, but when it was feared separation from its owner would be too stressful or even fatal for the bird, it was allowed to escort Reyes to the clink.

Hopefully for Reyes' sake, his parrot kept its mouth shut this time instead of telling the rest of the prisoners that he has a sweet ass. (via UPI)

More fun with animals: 17 Funny Gifs of Animals Getting Startled

 

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Pimp Sues Nike for Not Warning Him Their Shoes are Dangerous When Used to Assault People

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I guess pimpin' really ain't easy.

In June of 2012, Portland pimp Sirgiorgio Clardy robbed and beat a "customer" with his Jordans so bad that the victim requireSirgiorgio Clardy, Portland Pimpd stitches and plastic surgery on his nose. He also beat the woman he forced to work as a prostitute to the point where blood was leaking from her ears. A jury found him guilty of (among other things) assault and robbery, and Clardy was given a sentence of 100 years in the pen.

According to a lawsuit filed this week, however, Clardy claims it wasn't entirely his fault. Who shares the rest of the blame in this pimp game gone wrong? You guessed it: Nike. And for failing to warn him that if he took off his Jordans and used them to beat the ever-living piss out of people, it would result in some rather serious personal trauma, they owe him $100 million:

Do (sic) to the fact that these defendants ... failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction it has caused personal injury in the likes of mental suffering.

In a totally related story, a psychologist last year declared Clardy a psychopath. (via The Oregonian)

More solid crime stories: The Worst Crimes Committed By Pro Athletes

 

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Mountain Biker's Injury Results in Seven-Week Erection

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Whoa. So, how exactly did he make this happen?

mountain bike, mountain biker seven week erection

Priapism is defined as an abnormal and often painful, persistent erection of the penis that usually lasts longer than four hours. But doctors at a Dublin hospital have successfully treated a man who was left with a seven-week flag pole after a fall onto the crossbar of his mountain bike resulted in "blood-flow interference."

The 22-year-old unnamed man waited 35 days before seeking medical attention and endured two more weeks of unsuccessful treatments before being cured when "gel foam and four tiny platinum coils were inserted at an abnormal artery and vein connection."

Doctors said they were "very happy" with the result of the treatment and that the man has made a full recovery complete with a "satisfactory erection and satisfactory intercourse." Although, to us that doesn't exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.

No word yet as to why the man waited 35 days before seeing a doctor instead of going on, oh, I don't know, day two. Who knows? Ireland is a pretty small island. Maybe he just ran out of girlfriends. (via The Independent)

Speaking of erections: The Celebrity Nude Leaked Photos Report Card

 

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Breaking Down Clayton Kershaw's Record-Breaking Contract

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If only my sister would have married Clayton Kershaw.

clayton kershaw contract

The Los Angeles Dodgers will make the 25-year-old left-hander the highest-paid pitcher in MLB history this Friday when he signs a seven-year, $215 million contract. That averages out to $30.7 million a season, the highest yearly total for a player at any position in the history of the game. And if for some reason those numbers don't make you adjust your cup, maybe these will:
  • Kershaw has started 33 games in each of the last three seasons. Assuming he averages the same amount of starts over the next seven years, it means he will earn $930,735.93 every time he takes the mound. That's more than 398 players made for the entire season in 2013.
  • Over the last three seasons, Kershaw has averaged 232 1/3 innings pitched. Assuming he totals that same amount over the next seven seasons, it means he will earn $132,199.22 for every inning pitched.
  • Kershaw has averaged just over 236 (technically 236 1/3) strikeouts a year since 2011. Assuming he does the same thing for the next seven seasons, it means he will earn $129,961.72 for each strikeout.
  • Finally, the stud has averaged almost 3,455 pitches (technically 3,454 2/3) a year since 2011. Once again, assuming he averages that same amount over the next seven seasons, it means he will earn $8,890.67 every time he throws a pitch.
And you know somewhere along the way somebody had the nerve to tell this guy to concentrate on his studies.

(via LA Times)

More sports stuff: Sportscasters Who Make More Than Athletes

 

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9 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Lyft Driver

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The days of yellow taxi cabs may be numbered, as regular citizens have taken over the job of carting around carriageless business folk and the drunkest dandies. Ride-sharing systems like Lyft are the new rage, and it's people like you and me that make it possible for our fellow man. But before you go signing yourself and your vehicle up to make some extra scratch, you might want to know why it sucks to be a Lyft driver.

Backseat Vomit
backseat vomit, puke on car
You may have just met, but a good drunk is never too shy to share their dinner with their driver. If you hear the pre-vomit gagging, hit the eject button (or kindly pull over as fast as possible).


Unwelcoming Sights and Smells
Homeless man digging through dumpster in Los Angeles California
When you become a Lyft driver, you're opening your door to just about anybody with a phone, and surprisingly, that often includes the smelly. And it definitely includes the douchey. So while the permanent stink of body odor fills your nooks and crannies, and countless drunken selfies are snapped, you will only be thinking about how huge of a mistake you've made and how you wish you were home happily watching TV on the couch.


Sex on Your Seats
couple making out
Sometimes people just can't wait to get home to get naughty. On the plus side, you might get a free show. And who knows? They might name the kid after you nine months down the road for being a part of their special night.


Drug Dealing in the Desert
breaking bad desert drug deal
If the directions they're giving you seem to be leading away from the area they originally told you they were going, it's time to start texting loved ones. A little heads-up: They've decided against going home to bed and now you're driving the potential getaway vehicle.


Backseat Feast
backseat feast, eating in car
"Do you mind if we eat in your car?" "Yes, actually I-oh, you're already crushing a Taco Bell 12-pack. Good."


No-Lingual
Two businessmen talking to each other in a car
If you ever wanted to learn how to speak other languages, being a Lyft driver is a harsh environment to facilitate that. You'll learn every cuss word in every language before you learn how to say "hello." Also, just like a cabby, nobody will want to talk to you anyways.


Siri Squabbles
Lost, driving lost
If you thought getting wrong directions while driving alone was bad, imagine how happy your asshole stranger customers will be when you drive them a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction while they are asleep.


Breaking Bones Before Going Home
chasing a man
Every cab driver is subjected to cab fare ditchers, but luckily Lyft charges a person's cell phone. However, Lyft drivers rely on tipping to get paid, and we all know how that goes. And since this is your personal car, you need to be extra cautious with any valuables you have in it. Don't let anyone get away with your cherished Ace of Base CD.


Angry Out-of-Work Cabbies
taxi driver
Remember when you take this job that you're putting a lot of hardworking cab drivers out of business so you can have a little extra weed money on the weekends. If you encounter one of these angry cabbies, just let them know you have a drug problem. Hopefully that will smooth things over.

 

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The Riddick Threat Level Index

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