Cocktail Recipes: Valentine's Day Edition
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TLC Medical Documentaries Quiz: Real or Fake?
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The Weirdest Objects People Have Had Sex With
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20 Things That Sucked About The '90s
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Hipsters Dressed Like Jackie from 'Roseanne'
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The Funniest GIFs of the Week
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The Funniest, Crudest Valentine's Day Cards You Will Ever Read
You don't need to go to Hallmark to get your loved one a heartfelt Valentine's Day card. Just print out one of these and you will be loved forever.
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Sinkhole Swallows Up 8 Million Dollars Worth of Corvettes
If you're a car lover, look away.
A gigantic sinkhole opened up below the National Corvette Museum in Kentucky, swallowing up eight rare and historic Corvettes. This security camera footage caught the incident as it happened 5:44 a.m. on Wednesday morning. No one was hurt, but the damage to the cars is believed to be beyond repair.
The video provides a rare glimpse into how a sinkhole strikes. In the early part of the video the ground just swells, barely moving the cars. Then, after 45 seconds of hardly anything, the ground cracks wide open and devours two Corvettes in a split second.
The six affected cars the museum owned were a black 1962 Corvette, a 1984 custom pace car from the IndyCar World Series, the 1 millionth Corvette and 1.5 millionth Corvette ever built, a 1993 Ruby Red 40th anniversary Corvette, and a 2001 Mallett Hammer Z06 Corvette. The other two cars were on loan from General Motors, each of which were valued at well over 1 million dollars.
The massive hole measured 40 feet across and 25 to 30 feet deep and caused the museum to close for repairs. The National Corvette Museum usually displays up to 30 cars at a time, all of which have since been removed for safety precautions until further notice.
Via LA Times
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Today's Funniest Photos
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Almost 1/3 of Amateur Porn Comes From the Bible Belt
Lord, have mercy!
What do you do when your state doesn't allow alcohol sales on Sundays? Apparently the answer is make amateur poke flicks.
![amatuer porn, bible belt porn]()
According to a study conducted by Homegrown Video, 29.6 percent of all submissions between July and December of last year came from people in the same states that boast America's worst teeth: The Bible Belt.
Of that 29.6 percent, 17.7 is made up of amateur smut from Texas and Florida. The rest come from states like Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana and Georgia.
Those numbers seem to correspond with another study that revealed people in religious cities were viewing clips on PornHub.com "47 seconds longer than their non-religious counterparts."
Well, at least we now know what people from Kansas to Georgia are doing the 167 hours of the week that they aren't sitting in church pews. I guess you can only hear the same story about David and Goliath so many times before you eventually turn to the woman on your left and ask, "Want to get out of here and film me plowing you?"
(via Jezebel)
These guys and gals aren't amateurs: The Richest Porn Stars in the Industry
What do you do when your state doesn't allow alcohol sales on Sundays? Apparently the answer is make amateur poke flicks.
According to a study conducted by Homegrown Video, 29.6 percent of all submissions between July and December of last year came from people in the same states that boast America's worst teeth: The Bible Belt.
Of that 29.6 percent, 17.7 is made up of amateur smut from Texas and Florida. The rest come from states like Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana and Georgia.
Those numbers seem to correspond with another study that revealed people in religious cities were viewing clips on PornHub.com "47 seconds longer than their non-religious counterparts."
Well, at least we now know what people from Kansas to Georgia are doing the 167 hours of the week that they aren't sitting in church pews. I guess you can only hear the same story about David and Goliath so many times before you eventually turn to the woman on your left and ask, "Want to get out of here and film me plowing you?"
(via Jezebel)
These guys and gals aren't amateurs: The Richest Porn Stars in the Industry
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Durham Academy Cancels School Via 'Ice, Ice Baby'
All right, stop.Officials at North Carolina's Durham Academy had to tell their students school was canceled because of the winter storm that has pretty much brought the South to a standstill.
But instead of just sending out a press release to local news outlets or reaching out to those parents at the top of the phone call pyramid, they created this video that has already gone viral, meaning everybody from Durham to Los Angeles now knows the Academy doesn't have school today.
Headmaster Michael Ulku-Steiner and assistant head of school Lee Hark decided to channel their inner-Weird Al and made Vanilla Ice's "Ice, Ice Baby" their bitch in the process:
Are you thinking what we're thinking? Yeah, Vanilla Ice: The Rebound Tour, baby.
For what it's worth, thank Christ they chose "Ice, Ice Baby" instead of "Havin' a Roni," as you know they would have had to say something like "No school today, so stay home and boney." And then we would have been writing a story on why they both lost their jobs.
(via BuzzFeed)
Word to your mother. It's time to get viral: The 15 Best Viral Videos of 2013
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Dude Uses Kickstarter to Fund His $8 Chipotle Burrito
Crazy: A Chicago man went on Kickstarter to start a fundraising campaign for an $8 burrito at Chipotle.
Crazier: He got eight bucks to buy a burrito at Chipotle.
Craziest: He has now raised more than $650 from at least 170 backers.
![noboru bitoy kickstarter chipotle burrito]()
To some, Noboru Bitoy's ability to raise over $650 on Kickstarter to feed his appetite makes him a genius. To others, he's just another asshole who took a great idea meant to help struggling artists and project managers and abused it.
According to UPI, Bitoy originally offered his services to "test the burrito to see how tasty it was." Using a scale of "No" to "Wow," Bitoy eventually gave the first burrito a "Yum!"
Bitoy is now "testing" the burrito to see how it tastes as a leftover meal as well as trying 24 variations of the Chipotle Chicken Burrito. He also claims he will jump out of a plane and eat the burrito while skydiving if he raises even more money.
Meanwhile, the homeless dude freezing his ass off outside of McDonald's can't scrape up enough to buy a McChicken.
If you think that's nuts, check this out: 10 Crazy Crowdfunding Projects That Actually Got Funding
Crazier: He got eight bucks to buy a burrito at Chipotle.
Craziest: He has now raised more than $650 from at least 170 backers.
To some, Noboru Bitoy's ability to raise over $650 on Kickstarter to feed his appetite makes him a genius. To others, he's just another asshole who took a great idea meant to help struggling artists and project managers and abused it.
According to UPI, Bitoy originally offered his services to "test the burrito to see how tasty it was." Using a scale of "No" to "Wow," Bitoy eventually gave the first burrito a "Yum!"
Bitoy is now "testing" the burrito to see how it tastes as a leftover meal as well as trying 24 variations of the Chipotle Chicken Burrito. He also claims he will jump out of a plane and eat the burrito while skydiving if he raises even more money.
Meanwhile, the homeless dude freezing his ass off outside of McDonald's can't scrape up enough to buy a McChicken.
If you think that's nuts, check this out: 10 Crazy Crowdfunding Projects That Actually Got Funding
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Olympic Figure Skaters Falling Down Stairs
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Dear Idiots, The Blake Griffin Smacking Justin Bieber Story is Fake
For the past few days a story about Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin smacking Justin Bieber at a Hollywood Starbucks for not pulling up his pants or not wearing a shirt has been making the rounds. We thought it was clear that this story is not true, but the original (which was posted on empiresports.com satire site) continues to make the rounds. WE REPEAT, IT'S FROM A SATIRE SITE.
Deadspin tried to reach out to the Clippers to get an official denial (they didn't get one). But in their story they pointed out how the story has been shared on Facebook 418,000 times. So, either everyone's sharing it because they would like it to happen, or they actually believe it. Here's the story in full:
![blake griffin justin bieber starbucks smack]()
Justin Bieber simply can't seem to keep himself out of trouble.
Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. A barista at the coffee house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because he wasn't wearing a shirt.
"He came in with no shirt on and his pants hanging down and underwear showing and tried to order a caramel apple machiatto.", said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista, "I just told him he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order."
That's when Bieber snapped.
According to the police report Bieber started cussing at the barista and threatening to have his bodyguard, "kick his ass". Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin had been enjoying a drink at a table when he witnessed the altercation and stepped in.
Witnesses at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber but the Biebs wasn't having any of it.
There was more yelling, and some pushing and that's when Griffin smacked Bieber, knocking him to the floor. "He smacked the shit out of him" said one witness, "then I saw Justin stumble out of the door looking like he was crying." Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene.
But trust us, it's from a fake site. The next time you see someone posting it on their Facebook page, feel free to look down on them condescendingly and let them know that this didn't happen. (Although it would be great if it did.)
Deadspin tried to reach out to the Clippers to get an official denial (they didn't get one). But in their story they pointed out how the story has been shared on Facebook 418,000 times. So, either everyone's sharing it because they would like it to happen, or they actually believe it. Here's the story in full:
Justin Bieber simply can't seem to keep himself out of trouble.Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. A barista at the coffee house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because he wasn't wearing a shirt.
"He came in with no shirt on and his pants hanging down and underwear showing and tried to order a caramel apple machiatto.", said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista, "I just told him he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order."
That's when Bieber snapped.
According to the police report Bieber started cussing at the barista and threatening to have his bodyguard, "kick his ass". Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin had been enjoying a drink at a table when he witnessed the altercation and stepped in.
Witnesses at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber but the Biebs wasn't having any of it.
There was more yelling, and some pushing and that's when Griffin smacked Bieber, knocking him to the floor. "He smacked the shit out of him" said one witness, "then I saw Justin stumble out of the door looking like he was crying." Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene.
But trust us, it's from a fake site. The next time you see someone posting it on their Facebook page, feel free to look down on them condescendingly and let them know that this didn't happen. (Although it would be great if it did.)
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Kate Mara From 'House of Cards' Gets Gorgeous in GQ
Fans of "House of Cards," the political thriller series that made Netflix a viable broadcast alternative, know that Season 2 starts tomorrow. All 13 episodes will be available for watching, and even President Obama tweeted @HouseofCards, "No spoilers, please." We won't spoil anything, and surely co-star Kate Mara won't, either. (FYI, Kate's sister is Rooney Mara from the American version of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.") Well actually, Kate might spoil is your girlfriend/wife's reaction to you checking out this rockin' redhead. Scroll down and enjoy, a Valentine's Day gift from us to you (via GQ).
![Kate Mara, Kate Mara sexy photos, hot celebrity women]()
![Kate Mara, Kate Mara sexy photos, hot celebrity women]()
![Kate Mara, Kate Mara sexy photos, hot celebrity women]()
![Kate Mara, Kate Mara sexy photos, hot celebrity women]()
![Kate Mara, Kate Mara sexy photos, hot celebrity women]()
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Woman Arrested for Not Returning VHS Tape to Store That Is Now Closed
Police in South Carolina arrested a woman last week who rented the romantic comedy "Monster-in-Law" on VHS.
![woman arrested for monster-in-law vhs tape]()
The movie starred Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda and received a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes.
But it's not the fact that Kayla Finley rented a movie that is pure dog shit on a medium that is about as cool as Corey Feldman these days that has her in hot water with local authorities. Instead, police say they arrested Finley for failing to return the movie to the place she rented it from.
According to TMZ, Finley rented the rom-com from Dalton Video in 2005 but allegedly never returned it. Dalton Video is no longer in business, but the store owner contacted the police before closing up shop in an attempt to get the movie back.
While the police warrant states that letters were sent to Finley in an effort to get her to return the video cassette, she claims she never got them. She was arrested anyway and released on bond.
No word on whether or not she'll face an even harsher penalty if she didn't rewind the tape, as well.
"Monster-in-Law" was probably worse than these flicks: The Worst Movie Ripoffs Ever Made
The movie starred Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda and received a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes.
But it's not the fact that Kayla Finley rented a movie that is pure dog shit on a medium that is about as cool as Corey Feldman these days that has her in hot water with local authorities. Instead, police say they arrested Finley for failing to return the movie to the place she rented it from.
According to TMZ, Finley rented the rom-com from Dalton Video in 2005 but allegedly never returned it. Dalton Video is no longer in business, but the store owner contacted the police before closing up shop in an attempt to get the movie back.
While the police warrant states that letters were sent to Finley in an effort to get her to return the video cassette, she claims she never got them. She was arrested anyway and released on bond.
No word on whether or not she'll face an even harsher penalty if she didn't rewind the tape, as well.
"Monster-in-Law" was probably worse than these flicks: The Worst Movie Ripoffs Ever Made
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Justin Bieber Music Video Goddess Cailin Russo Is Pretty Much Topless
Well, I mean, sure: I guess that's technically a shirt. But it's one of those shirts that you don't ever want to see your mother wearing.
It wasn't necessarily a bad thing if you didn't know who Cailin Russo was before today. That probably just meant you had never seen a Justin Bieber music video before, and you are probably a better human being because of it.
But after hooking up last week with photographer Ted Emmons (who many consider to be the best photographer in the modeling industry), the 19-year-old daughter of Unwritten Law frontman Scott Russo should now be on your smoking hotties radar for the next 20 years:
![cailin russo topless see through]()
![cailin russo topless]()
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's President's Day, you are not at work, and you have a rare but serious fear of poorly placed black boxes. If that's the case, then you will probably want to visit Ted Emmons Photography's Tumblr page.
Clicking here also would not be considered a poor choice (kind of NSFW).
(via The Hollywood Gossip)
Odds are you'll want to check this out, as well: The Celebrity Nude Leaked Photos Report Card
It wasn't necessarily a bad thing if you didn't know who Cailin Russo was before today. That probably just meant you had never seen a Justin Bieber music video before, and you are probably a better human being because of it.
But after hooking up last week with photographer Ted Emmons (who many consider to be the best photographer in the modeling industry), the 19-year-old daughter of Unwritten Law frontman Scott Russo should now be on your smoking hotties radar for the next 20 years:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's President's Day, you are not at work, and you have a rare but serious fear of poorly placed black boxes. If that's the case, then you will probably want to visit Ted Emmons Photography's Tumblr page.
Clicking here also would not be considered a poor choice (kind of NSFW).
(via The Hollywood Gossip)
Odds are you'll want to check this out, as well: The Celebrity Nude Leaked Photos Report Card
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Karla Souza is So Hot She Can Get Away With Murder
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Jimmy Fallon Makes Tonight Show Debut With Epic $100 Bit
In all seriousness, the only way "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" could have gotten off to a better start is if Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian would have crawled onto Fallon's desk and started going at it.
Instead, the two were part of a star-studded crew who took turns giving the new "Tonight Show" host $100 after Fallon looked into the camera and said, "To my buddy, who said I'd never be the host of 'The Tonight Show,' and you know who you are, you owe me a hundred bucks, buddy."
Within seconds, Robert De Niro appeared from behind the legendary blue curtain and slapped a hundred bucks down on Fallon's desk.
But it didn't end there.
De Niro was followed by the likes of Tina Fey and Joe Namath, who we're pretty sure would have molested the host if he was actually Suzy Kolber. Joan Rivers made her first "Tonight Show" appearance since being banned by Johnny Carson in 1986. Seth Rogen, Mike Tyson, Lady Gaga and still others all followed, with each reluctantly giving the host $100.
But the best truly was saved for last, as Stephen Colbert dumped a bucket of pennies on Fallon and his desk, paused to snap a selfie and finished the bit by shouting, "Welcome to 11:30, bitch!"
Indeed. Welcome to 11:30, bitch.
(via Deadspin)
This is how it all started: Jimmy Fallon's 'Saturday Night Live' Audition
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How to Beat the Post-Lunch 3 PM Coma at Work
You can sense it coming, that creeping feeling someone is standing right behind you, breathing on your neck about to sink their teeth in. No, it's not the office vampire - well, maybe that, too - but rathe![guy sleeping at work]()
r it's the routine post-lunch 3 p.m. coma coming to put you down like an ethanol rag over your crumb-ridden mouth. But I'm here to tell you - those who actually work in public and cannot avoid being seen asleep at the desk - there is a way to break the spell and put that dreaded coma into its own coma and carry on with a good energetic pace through the end of the workday.
There are a few simple things you can avoid, foods and beverages that make you drowsy, as well as smart routines to practice that promote energy. Follow along and learn a thing or two about staying productive near the end of the workday and not having to slap yourself around to stay awake.
Avoid Breads & Dairy
Certain foods, although part of the age-old food pyramid paradigm, are ones that bring you down. Carbs are great, as they give you energy if you're exercising, but if you're chowing down on pizza, breads and bagels while you sit at your desk, the snooze monster (a real thing) will be waiting to pull your chair out from underneath you.
![bowl of mixed salad leaves ...]()
Instead of getting a sandwich at lunch, one that is 70 percent bread, eat a salad. If you're not feeling the salad, Mexican food is usually light on the bread, heavy on the protein - beans, meat, greens - that will give you bursts of energy when you're back at the desk. Just don't complain when you have terrible bursts of office gas, the kind that clears out the conference room. You could have had the salad instead, chump.
Eat Clean Green
Aside from salads, there's a myriad of clean greens you can shovel in your mouth that give you the vitamins and energy you need. Kale, spinach and mixed greens are easy to come by and if you can, grab a green smoothie from the store or have one made fresh. You can make your own smoothies at the office, and it'll save you a ton of money, too. And they also make salads with chicken nowadays!
Avocados have a long list of health benefits, most of which promote a consistently healthy, coma-free afternoon. You can even exfoliate, if your cubicle walls are high enough. Now there's a good way to move up the professional ladder!
Walk It Off
The only reason we would recommend eating out for lunch during the workweek is if there were a brisk walk involved. Hopping in the car to go from point A to B, which has a drive-thru line, then back to point A is only going to cramp your style, not to mention your gut and your legs. If you want to get lunch offsite, try to go someplace that is in walking distance. It'll help you work off the carbs you just ate so you don't face-plant those pearly whites onto your keyboard when you get back to work.
Even if you do eat at work, don't spend the entire lunch break sitting, eating and gossiping like a high school princess; finish your food in an appropriate time frame, then save the last bit decompressing from the first half of the day and working off your lunch by going for a short walk. Even if it's around the building to shoot up drugs, that's better than going straight back to work without any exercise. OK, don't shoot up drugs; that'll actu![happy business man in office...]()
ally put you in a worse coma and make your teeth fall out. Just walk. And whistle; it'll put you in a better mood. Whistle while you walk.
At the Very Least, Stretch
If your break is too short or you're a slow eater like me, at least do a little stretching to get the blood flowing and muscles loosened. You can't work productively at your desk if your body is one giant knot, so stretch out the arms and legs, maybe do a push-up or two to avoid crashing into your seat for a power nap like it's Sunday afternoon and you're suddenly not wearing pants either.
People in your office might look at you strange and judge you for stretching in the workplace, but trust us, they were already looking at you strange and thinking you were a total wacko long before you started doing jumping jacks in the break room.
Drink Tea & Water, Not Coffee
Coffee is great when you need it. When you don't and already have plenty of energy, it just wires you up real tight and then drops you like a stone later in the day. So you assume the best way to pick yourself up before you crash again is to drink more coffee? That's what cocaine addicts do, silly. You need to switch to water and hydrate your body.
Tea will help detox your body, maybe make you poop, and give you a slight awakening to keep you moving calmly through the end of your day. Depending on what kind of tea you drink, certain ones can promote a better efficiency than others. Green is usually the way to go, jasmine especially. Tossing back more cappuccinos and espresso is only going to jack you up long enough for you to crash into the water cooler on the way back to your desk.
Avoid Friday Lunch Drinks
Save it for the end of the race. No marathon runner ever grabbed a margarita at mile marker thirteen and still finished strong. Having drinks at lunch on a Friday, however well deserved, is a recipe for woozy droopy eyes![group of happy young office workers drinking beer]()
once you plant your ass back at your desk. Save yourself for happy hour, then get totally demolished in front of your coworkers, grope the secretary and sexually harass the waitress in front of the entire staff. Just let everyone know ahead of time you can't hold your liquor worth a damn so you will be excused for your actions.
Change Your Desk Setup
If your general response to all these suggestions is that I can go f**k myself because you're going to eat what you want when you want, that's just fine and dandy. But, if you're going to be stubborn with your food and exercise habits, you can at least swap out your desk setup for an inflatable exercise ball or a new age standing desk to keep the body in motion. That way if you start to zonk out, the only place you're going to end up is the floor, as exercise balls require a bit of balance and remove lazy posture entirely from your work desk.
Finally, if you're still falling in a coma at work after 3 p.m., it might be time you quit jerking off in the bathroom. It sounds extreme, but extreme times call for extreme measures. Good luck to you.
r it's the routine post-lunch 3 p.m. coma coming to put you down like an ethanol rag over your crumb-ridden mouth. But I'm here to tell you - those who actually work in public and cannot avoid being seen asleep at the desk - there is a way to break the spell and put that dreaded coma into its own coma and carry on with a good energetic pace through the end of the workday.There are a few simple things you can avoid, foods and beverages that make you drowsy, as well as smart routines to practice that promote energy. Follow along and learn a thing or two about staying productive near the end of the workday and not having to slap yourself around to stay awake.
Avoid Breads & Dairy
Certain foods, although part of the age-old food pyramid paradigm, are ones that bring you down. Carbs are great, as they give you energy if you're exercising, but if you're chowing down on pizza, breads and bagels while you sit at your desk, the snooze monster (a real thing) will be waiting to pull your chair out from underneath you.
Instead of getting a sandwich at lunch, one that is 70 percent bread, eat a salad. If you're not feeling the salad, Mexican food is usually light on the bread, heavy on the protein - beans, meat, greens - that will give you bursts of energy when you're back at the desk. Just don't complain when you have terrible bursts of office gas, the kind that clears out the conference room. You could have had the salad instead, chump.
Eat Clean Green
Aside from salads, there's a myriad of clean greens you can shovel in your mouth that give you the vitamins and energy you need. Kale, spinach and mixed greens are easy to come by and if you can, grab a green smoothie from the store or have one made fresh. You can make your own smoothies at the office, and it'll save you a ton of money, too. And they also make salads with chicken nowadays!
Avocados have a long list of health benefits, most of which promote a consistently healthy, coma-free afternoon. You can even exfoliate, if your cubicle walls are high enough. Now there's a good way to move up the professional ladder!
Walk It Off
The only reason we would recommend eating out for lunch during the workweek is if there were a brisk walk involved. Hopping in the car to go from point A to B, which has a drive-thru line, then back to point A is only going to cramp your style, not to mention your gut and your legs. If you want to get lunch offsite, try to go someplace that is in walking distance. It'll help you work off the carbs you just ate so you don't face-plant those pearly whites onto your keyboard when you get back to work.
Even if you do eat at work, don't spend the entire lunch break sitting, eating and gossiping like a high school princess; finish your food in an appropriate time frame, then save the last bit decompressing from the first half of the day and working off your lunch by going for a short walk. Even if it's around the building to shoot up drugs, that's better than going straight back to work without any exercise. OK, don't shoot up drugs; that'll actu
ally put you in a worse coma and make your teeth fall out. Just walk. And whistle; it'll put you in a better mood. Whistle while you walk.At the Very Least, Stretch
If your break is too short or you're a slow eater like me, at least do a little stretching to get the blood flowing and muscles loosened. You can't work productively at your desk if your body is one giant knot, so stretch out the arms and legs, maybe do a push-up or two to avoid crashing into your seat for a power nap like it's Sunday afternoon and you're suddenly not wearing pants either.
People in your office might look at you strange and judge you for stretching in the workplace, but trust us, they were already looking at you strange and thinking you were a total wacko long before you started doing jumping jacks in the break room.
Drink Tea & Water, Not Coffee
Coffee is great when you need it. When you don't and already have plenty of energy, it just wires you up real tight and then drops you like a stone later in the day. So you assume the best way to pick yourself up before you crash again is to drink more coffee? That's what cocaine addicts do, silly. You need to switch to water and hydrate your body.
Tea will help detox your body, maybe make you poop, and give you a slight awakening to keep you moving calmly through the end of your day. Depending on what kind of tea you drink, certain ones can promote a better efficiency than others. Green is usually the way to go, jasmine especially. Tossing back more cappuccinos and espresso is only going to jack you up long enough for you to crash into the water cooler on the way back to your desk.
Avoid Friday Lunch Drinks
Save it for the end of the race. No marathon runner ever grabbed a margarita at mile marker thirteen and still finished strong. Having drinks at lunch on a Friday, however well deserved, is a recipe for woozy droopy eyes
once you plant your ass back at your desk. Save yourself for happy hour, then get totally demolished in front of your coworkers, grope the secretary and sexually harass the waitress in front of the entire staff. Just let everyone know ahead of time you can't hold your liquor worth a damn so you will be excused for your actions.Change Your Desk Setup
If your general response to all these suggestions is that I can go f**k myself because you're going to eat what you want when you want, that's just fine and dandy. But, if you're going to be stubborn with your food and exercise habits, you can at least swap out your desk setup for an inflatable exercise ball or a new age standing desk to keep the body in motion. That way if you start to zonk out, the only place you're going to end up is the floor, as exercise balls require a bit of balance and remove lazy posture entirely from your work desk.
Finally, if you're still falling in a coma at work after 3 p.m., it might be time you quit jerking off in the bathroom. It sounds extreme, but extreme times call for extreme measures. Good luck to you.
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