Substitute Teacher Caught Masturbating on the Job

February 28, 2014, 12:15 am

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I loved American history just as much as the next guy, but this is just ridiculous.

A 72-year-old substitute teacher at Westhill High School in Connecticut who looks a lot like Senator Joe Lieberman's much less successful twin brother was arrested Wednesday for tossing one off in a stairwell while checking out students in a courtyard.

According to the New York Daily News, a teaching assistant found Michael Luecke lying on the ground in a stairwell at 7:33 a.m. and initially thought he was injured. But as she moved closer, she noticed his pants were unzipped, his unit was in an "aroused state," and his hand was all over it.

After yelling at him first (naturally), the T.A. left to get help from school officials. Meanwhile, Luecke hightailed it back to the classroom where he was supposed to be teaching, presumably offering each student a thousand bucks if they would vouch for him.

Luecke wasn't listed on any sexual registries and had no prior criminal record, but he is now charged with public indecency, breach of the peace and risk of injury to a minor.

No word as to whether or not he was wearing that vest while he was 'bating.

(via New York Daily News)

More teacher scandals: Teacher's Aide Kaitlin Pearson Gets Her Job Back After Leaked Nude Photos

 

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A Larger Pizza Is Always a Better Deal

February 28, 2014, 12:26 am

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Remember your 120-pound pothead roommate in college who used to get so baked that he would order a large pizza even though putting away a medium-sized pie was damn near impossible for him? Well, it turns out he was a genius.

According to NPR's Planet Money, a larger pizza is always a better deal.

Using data from over 74,000 pizzas and 3,678 pizzerias, they determined your pothead roommate should have always ordered the larger pizza, and the reason is simple. Since most pizzas are made in the shape of a circle, its area increases with the radius.

Using that rationale, a 16-inch pizza would be four times the size of an 8-inch job.

And given the state of America's education these days, they even made a chart to help get their point across a little easier:



Of course, if Domino's would start charging $5.99 for each medium pizza and $11,000 for a large, you'd be much better off ordering a couple of medium 'zas, bro.

(via A.V. Club)

A part of the pizza delivery process reserved for drunks and assholes: The Best 'Special Instructions' Pizza Deliveries

 

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Nothing Will Ever Make You as Happy as This Head Scratcher Makes This Husky

February 28, 2014, 3:35 am

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Hilarious. Look at that smile. It's like he just took a huge bong rip and then discovered an unopened bag of Cheetos.

 

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Artist Creates Lattes With Oscar Nominees Drawn Into Them

February 28, 2014, 7:10 am

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Mike Breach is a very talented barista for illy coffee. His tumblr, Baristart, is where he shares his unbelievable talent of using the foam in lattes to create amazing portraits of celebrities, as well as other images. They are all incredibly impressive, but his latest creations are all Oscar nominees drawn into everyone's favorite morning beverage. Here they are in all their glory:

Matthew McConaughey in "Dallas Buyer's Club"


Best Picture nominee, "Gravity"


Joaquin Phoenix in "Her"


Leonardo DiCaprio in "The Wolf of Wall Street"


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Jimmy Kimmel Once Again Shows How Wimpy LA People Are When It Comes to Weather

February 28, 2014, 7:21 am

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For the sake of full disclosure, I live and work in Southern California. However, I was born and raised in Illinois and crack up watching Angelenos deal with weather that is even the slightest bit uncomfortable. And as you can see in this clip from last night's "Jimmy Kimmel Live," rain in LA really causes quite a panic and commotion in the local news.

Related: Drinking in Los Angeles vs. Drinking in New York City

 

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This Is The Most Romantic Way To Tell That Special Someone How You Feel

March 1, 2014, 12:37 am

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Chivalry is alive and well. Now seriously, pay up. We're about to get kicked out.

Via Memewhore

 

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12 Popular '90s Artists Releasing New Music This Year

March 2, 2014, 11:50 pm

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Oscars 2014: The Best in Photos, GIFs and Tweets

March 3, 2014, 12:00 am

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Ellen's Epic Oscars Selfie Crashes Twitter and Travolta Fails Big-Time

March 3, 2014, 12:21 am

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Last night's Oscars ceremony reminded us of Adam Dunn, as you can classify a lot of what happened as a swing and a miss.

I mean, what the hell was this?



But just as Adam Dunn sometimes makes contact and sends a ball deep into the right field bleachers, it's not like the Oscars ceremony was a total dud, and most of those shining moments came courtesy of Ellen's comedic genius.

There was the joke congratulating a guy on being the best Liza Minnelli impersonator ever, when it fact it was really Liza Minnelli herself. She had pizza delivered to a section of A-listers including Brad Pitt and Kevin Spacey. And she struck comedy gold by telling Jonah Hill he showed her something in "The Wolf of Wall Street" that she hasn't seen for a very, very long time. (Hint: She was talking about his penis.)

But it was this epic selfie that still has everybody buzzing today, so much so, that it could wind up being one of the greatest Oscars moments ever:

If only Bradley's arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

- Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014

The picture quickly became the most retweeted tweet of all-time and temporarily crashed the social media giant.

Not crashing Twitter anytime soon? You guessed it: Adele Dazeem. And that's probably because she doesn't exist.

(via Entertainment Weekly)

More from the 2014 Oscars: Oscars 2014: The Best in Photos, GIFs and Tweets

 

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How to Take an Awesome Driver's License Photo

March 3, 2014, 12:23 am

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We should all follow this guy's lead.

Via EatLiver

 

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Here Is the '90s in a Nutshell

March 3, 2014, 12:30 am

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20 of the Most Disturbing Album Covers Ever

March 3, 2014, 12:33 am

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Hilarious Meme Gallery: I Regret Nothing

March 3, 2014, 12:34 am

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Paula Garces Is One Sexy Mama

March 3, 2014, 12:43 am

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Today's Funniest Photos

March 3, 2014, 12:48 am

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Dude Has Sex With Hot Pocket

March 3, 2014, 3:56 am

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While many 18-year-olds in America are busy finalizing their plans for continuing their education at an institution of higher learning, others are plowing Hot Pockets. Take a guess which one we're doing a story on.

A "man" who goes by the codename VERSACEPOCKETS has been banned from Twitter and Vine after posting pictures of himself going all the way with a ham and cheese Hot Pocket.



"I just thought it was so f--kin' funny," he told "First We Feast," a website that - among other things - apparently interviews people who hump foods.

VERSACEPOCKETS told the website his goal for pounding Hot Pockets and then posting the pics online was to "f--k around and see what happens."

Asked if he regretted putting his face out there, he reasoned, "I don't really care. I haven't gotten noticed in public yet. And I'm still young - I'm 18 - so, it's not like I'm still going to look like this in three years."

His advice for others looking to follow in his food-plowing ways?

"I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I was like, 'Dude, I'm gonna have to use a condom if I'm gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'"

VERSACEPOCKETS has also gone balls deep with a Pop Tart.

(via First We Feast)

He's not the only loser on this planet: The Weirdest Objects People Have Had Sex With

 

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The Pope Drops an F-Bomb

March 3, 2014, 5:16 am

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They say that Italian is one of the romance languages. And I guess the Pope would agree after accidentally dropping the Italian version of the F-word into his weekly address on Sunday. That's right, the pope has gone viral after saying the F-word during his Sunday blessing.

According to the Daily Mail, Pope Francis was discussing the crisis in Ukraine during his weekly blessing from the window of his apartment at the Vatican Apostolic Palace. Francis, whose native tongue is Spanish, was performing the blessing in Italian when he said, "In this f*!% - in this case, the providence of God is made visible as gesture of solidarity."

Of course right after he dropped the F-bomb the crowd in St. Peter's Square looked at each other wondering if they had all heard the same thing. The Pope, to his credit, kept his composure and continued on with his Sunday blessing without missing a f*$% ... I mean, beat.

Check out the video below. If you know Italian, you will know where he drops his swear. If you don't, well, listen to it a few times and learn how to swear in Italian.



Different clips of the incident have now been seen my millions of people worldwide.

The Catholic Church has been longing for some different headlines as of late, and although it's not turning water into wine, it'll do.

Francis still has a long way to go to join this list: 10 Badass Popes

 

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Philly Weather Man Gets Absolutely Crushed by Snowplow Wave

March 3, 2014, 9:37 am

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This has been an unusually brutal winter with blustery snowstorms and everyone has suffered. Although no one has suffered as bad as the local news weathermen who have to keep trudging out there to tell you just how bad the snow really is. Case in point: Fox 29's Steve Keeley. The Philadelphia news guy was out on the street trying to talk about baseball (anything to warm up at this point, huh?) when a fleet of snowplows drives by. The first two serve as a great example of clean-up efforts. The third just absolutely crushes Keeley with a a tidal wave of snow. Kudos to Keeley for holding his own and finishing his report. Get that man to Spring Training - he's earned the trip.

 

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Mods That Eventually Became Full Video Games

March 3, 2014, 11:23 pm

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Rappers and Cereal is What the Internet Was Made For

March 4, 2014, 12:06 am

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