Who Has the Upper Hand in Your Relationship?
Super Annoying Guy at Courthouse Gets Tasered
This video is nearly two years old, but some things stand the test of Internet time, and this is one of them. Although it's three and a half minutes long, it's almost necessary to watch it all to get a complete sense of how obnoxious the guy filming is. However, if you just want the meat and potatoes, skip ahead to the 2:02 mark.
Did this guy deserve to get Tasered? Maybe, maybe not. That's for the commenters to decide. Have at it.
Clint Dempsey is Driven to Improve With the U.S. Men's Soccer Team
We are less than two months away from the biggest soccer tournament in the world, the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Clint Dempsey, captain of the U.S. Men's National Team, is busting his ass heading into it to reach his peak level of performance and lead the team to victory.
The short film above, titled "Clint Dempsey: On the Move," was directed by none other than "Mad Men's" Jon Hamm. Check out the cool behind-the-scenes footage below. Also, for a chance to win an all-expense paid trip to Brazil this summer to cheer on U.S. Soccer, visit DegreeSoccer.com.
Dad Does Things Around The House in Hilarious Mark Wahlberg Impression
This hilarious dad is building quite the reputation as a quality Viner. His latest compilation involved his flawless Mark Wahlberg impression as he does things around the house and interacts with his family. Now we all get to know what being in Mark's entourage really is like.
This Dog Hates Junk Mail More Than You Do
We all hate junk mail. But nowhere near as much as this dog. Watch in anticipation to find out why he clearly loathes getting Money Mailer coupons more than you.
The Guy Who Left Backpacks at the Boston Marathon Finish Line Is Beyond Messed Up
But Kevin or "Kayvon" Edson is being charged with disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace and possession of a hoax device after doing just that, before he walked down the street barefoot wearing a veil to cover up his face caked with makeup yelling, "Boston strong!"
So, what kind of asshole does something like that? According to Deadspin, this kind of asshole:
Barstool Sports found Edson's Facebook page, which of course featured a header that was basically a tribute to Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.
Deadspin also posted several links to his "performance art" on YouTube. Watching this clip should make you love yourself a little bit more:
Thankfully the bags Edson left at the finish line turned out to be hoaxes, with one of them containing a rice cooker filled with confetti.
On a positive note, I now have another piece of evidence to show my father-in-law that proves her daughter could have done worse. Much worse.
Here's a much more uplifting story: Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor's Valentine's Day Gift is a Flash Mob
Today's Funny Photos
Succulent Seasonal Cervezas for Spring 2014
10 Preposterous Baseball Movie Scenes
Here Is the Best Political Campaign Video of All Time
Probably figuring as much, J.D. Winteregg released a campaign ad last weekend that is a spoof of those ridiculous Cialis commercials you'll see during every timeout of the upcoming NBA playoffs, because apparently a vast majority of basketball fans suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Well, according to Winteregg's commercial, the people in Ohio's 8th congressional district are currently suffering from "electile" dysfunction.
The line that made me almost piss myself? You guessed it: If you have a Boehner lasting longer than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention.
According to his website, Winteregg is a local high school teacher who also does work at a nearby university. If his classes are anything like his campaign commercials, then it must be pretty exciting to be one of his students.
(via Washington Post)
While Winteregg's commercial seeks to cure electile dysfunction, these ads will probably give it to you: The Most Insane Political Ads
The 10 Lamest Sentences on CNN.com
The editors and writers at CNN.com write a lot of sentences. Thousands of them each day, to be less than exact. Most of them are perfectly fine sentences. These aren't those sentences.
1. "While the campaigns eagerly pursue female voters, there's something that may raise the chances for both presidential candidates that's totally out of their control: women's ovulation cycles."
2. "'And I swear that I don't have a gun.' - Kurt Cobain, "Come As You Are" Despite the pledge in those lyrics that went around the world in the early 1990s, police in Seattle say that Kurt Cobain did have at least one gun."
3. "For anyone holding out hope of Pluto being reinstated as a major planet, you should probably do as they say in the movie 'Frozen' and 'let it go.'"
4. "Quick - name a planet with rings. Easy, right?"
5. "I count 105 football movies on Wikipedia's 'list of sports films.'"
6. "Clearly, Jesus was sexy."
7. "The art of preparing, stuffing and mounting animal skins is called taxidermy."
8. "There's a classic rap song from the early 1990s called 'It Was a Good Day' where Ice Cube chronicles 24 hours of peace and happiness on the otherwise rough and dangerous streets of South Central Los Angeles."
9. "The snooze alarm might make you late or kill your plans to exercise, but it doesn't ruin your day."
10. "Has Sarah Palin jumped the shark? Experts say no."
The Truth Behind Popular Music Myths and Urban Legends
When It Comes to Being Sexy, Jess Fitts Fits the Bill
8 Beers You Should Start Drinking Right Now (Well, Not Really)
1. Natty Ice
Reason: You're Not Loud Enough
Are you too quiet? Are you not yelling everything you say all the time in everyone's face? Are you not the worst person everywhere you go? Fire back a few Natty Ices and that problem will get rectified immediately.
2. Rolling Rock
Reason: Your Bowel Movements Are Still Somewhat Solid
Do your bowel movements still have some sort of visible form or shape to them? Do you only have to wipe 3-4 times? Change all that with a few Rocks and you will be taking horrific, sweaty monster shits in no time.
3. Schlitz
Reason: Someone Isn't Punching Your Stupid Face
What are you doing? Just sitting there minding your business like a normal person and not getting punched for mouthing off like a total dickhead? Order as many Schlitz as you can afford, drink them and then walk up to the bouncer and ask him, "What did the five fingers say to the face?"
4. Keystone Light
Reason: You're Not Vandalizing Something Like a 12-Year-Old
Wait, what? You're not smashing some public property right now? Why not? I'm sure there's some perfectly good street signs around here somewhere. Or maybe someone put some fluorescent lights in a dumpster nearby that you could totally smash while pretending they're lightsabers. Finish that Keystone Light and get out there, champ.
5. Lone Star
Reason: You're Not Brimming With Regret
What's this?!? You feel OK with the recent decisions you've made? Wait just a minute. That can't be right. Shotgun a sixer of Lone Stars and let them help you undo all the good you've done in your life in a matter of blacked out minutes.
6. Stroh's
Reason: You Don't Have a Blinding Headache
Can you see? With your eyes? Fix that with a big pile of Stroh's.
7. Genesee Cream Ale
Reason: Your Stool Is Missing Terrifyingly Large Amounts of Blood
When you look down into the toilet after taking a dump, are you not freaked out because there's a ton of terrifying blood in your stool? Are you not on WebMD right now looking up "blood in my toilet," "blood ass" and "shitted blood" while asking God to fix your melting kidneys? Well, you can change all that with a startlingly small number of Gennys.
8. Busch
Reason: You Like Yourself
Do you have self-esteem and integrity? Are you considered a "good" person amongst your friends and family? Do you want that to stop? Then we have a super easy plan for you: Chug all the Busch and watch your standing in society slowly (and then quickly) go from "respectable" to "you're under arrest."
Which Famous Woman Has Dated the Most Douches?
Get to Know Sexy Danish Celeb Barbara Zatler
Lucia Javorcekova Gets Her Hands Filthy on Some Manly Tools
Not much is known in America of 23-year-old Slovakian supermodel Lucia Javorcekova other than she clearly doesn't need a bra to have her picture taken and any auto body shop looks better with her in it. This week's girl video features the stunning, curvy Lucia in a wet wifebeater top, letting those perky nipples shine right through while she gets her hands around some manly tools and poses for the camera. If this doesn't rev your engine and make you want to get your oil changed, not much else will. And it's Lucia's birthday this week, so be sure to wish her a happy birthday while your mouth drips slobber and your pants are down around your ankles.
A Soccer Ball To The Face Will Never Not Be Funny
Look, we know she's just a little kid. But that's what happens to little kids when they play outside. They get all sorts of bumps and bruises. Clearly she wasn't seriously injured. We've all been konked on the head a few times when playing sports as kids. Just sit back and enjoy the fact that the camera was in the perfect place to catch a little bit of hilarity.
And stop wondering less about how the little girl is doing and start wondering more about why her little boy seems to be Mowgli from "The Jungle Book."
Today's Funniest Photos
If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Had Asses for Faces