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Donald Sterling's Online Dating Profile

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As you probably know, ol' Donald Sterling is in a bit of hot water because of some pretty racist comments he made to his lady friend. Aside from being banned from the NBA and maybe being forced to sell his team, now Don needs a new mistress! That's why we've made him a fake OK Cupid profile that's sure to have the impressionable young gold-diggers swooning.

 

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Jhene Aiko is a Sexy Soul Singer

The Mandatory Movie and TV Baseball All-Stars

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With the upcoming Million Dollar Arm set to add a new chapter to the long and distinguished history of America's pastime (Indian cricketers!), it's time we celebrated a sport that is truly open to everyone regardless of age, gender, or species. Meet the All-Mandatory Team, and prepare your fourth base for our slider...

movie and tv baseball all stars

 

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Alligator Brings Car Thief's Getaway to a Hault

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It takes a real dick of a human being to watch people walk into a Walmart or Sam's Club and then steal their car while they're busy lifting 82-packs of Mountain Dew off the shelf.
police catch car thief after his car hits alligator
According to WPTV, that's exactly what Calvin Rodriguez was doing in Port St. Lucie, Florida. In fact, they had suspected him of stealing at least five Honda and Acura models by using shaved keys that would start those specific brands of cars.

When police spotted Rodriguez in a Honda Civic this week, they attempted to pull him over but were initially unable to catch him after he took off at an extremely high rate of speed.

Cue an alligator trying to cross the highway.

That's right. Thanks to an unfortunately very slow alligator, police officers were able to catch up with Rodriguez after his car collided with the reptile.

Rodriguez faces five counts of grand theft auto, and we have to be honest, that doesn't sound like as much fun as the video game.

WPTV said the condition of the alligator was unknown, but with the officers referring to the gator as "unfortunate," we'll assume it's now a set of $300 boots.

You know, the chase could have ended like this instead: Drunk Man Crashes Into Restaurant Then Gets Out and Masturbates

 

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Hacked Sign Warns Drivers to Turn Back Because of Godzilla Attack

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It seems as though hacking construction signs is becoming almost as trendy as Justin Bieber hate mail.

Godzilla hits the big screen this weekend, and this time around, the monster is looking to shove its foot up San Francisco's ass. But real-life San Franciscans have nothing to worry about, right? After all, it's just a movie. Right?

According to Huffington Post, a construction sign on Van Ness Avenue in downtown San Francisco warned drivers Wednesday night to turn back because Godzilla was attacking the city.


Some San Franciscans speculated the hacked sign was part of a promotional stunt tied in with the release of the movie. Others probably missed the sign completely because they were on their damn cell phones.

Honestly, if I have a choice of hanging out in a city that is about to get burned to the ground by an out-of-control reptilian monster or just chilling in Assville, sign me up for Assville: Jersey Shore Sign Hacked, Changed to 'Assville'

 

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Texas Man Suing Stripper to Get His Money Back

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Every group of friends has that one guy who thinks that the stripper who just shoved her cans in his face is actually in love with him.
houston stripper being sued to get money back
But a man in Houston named Robert said he actually had a relationship with a stripper, who most drunk bachelors and truckers know as "Nomi" (pictured left), and gave her $3,000 worth of stuff, including cash, movies, and a laptop. And now, according to News 92 FM, the dude wants it all back.

Robert acknowledged that he met Nomi at a strip club and the two went out on a few dates. He said he gave her "a little bit here and there, with money here and there." He apparently wasn't getting a little here and a little there in return.

Nomi said she wouldn't have accepted the gifts if she knew that she would eventually have to pay him back, and she probably summed up the entire situation perfectly when she told reporters, "This guy is a nutcase!"

No word as to why Nomi hasn't had her father pay a visit to Robert and straighten things out. Oh wait...

If Nomi needs money, she should give this stripper a call: Stripper Posts a Photo of the Whopping $3,345 She Made in a Single Day

 

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This NBA Playoffs Version of 'Game of Thrones' is Epic

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So far, the 2014 NBA Playoffs have been pretty spectacular. There have been several Game 7s, countless 4-point plays, amazing comebacks and an all-time great buzzer beater to boot. Because of its greatness, it only made sense to create a mashup of this year's playoffs with the best show on TV, "Game of Thrones." The final result is "Game of Zones," a hilarious spoof on the hit HBO series that features animated versions of LeBron, Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, Steph Curry and some other NBA stars you may have forgotten about. (h/t Bleacher Report)

 

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This Coke Plus Mentos Fail Will Never Get Old

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There are a lot of Coke plus Mentos fails on the ol' Internet. Some are hilarious. Others not so much. And then there are the ones that earn their place in Internet infamy. Take this one, for example. It's a bit old, but it will never hesitate to put a smile on my face.

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

The 10 Worst Ceremonial First Pitches by Celebs, Athletes and a Politician

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By now we've all seen the embarrassment that was 50 Cent's first pitch the other night at the Mets game. As pathetic as that was, he's actually only in the middle of the pack of a group of celebrities and athletes who have no idea how to properly throw a baseball. Here is our top ten list of the worst ceremonial first pitches thrown out at the ol' ballpark.

 

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Nikki Page is Australia's Hottest Nurse

Pa. Man, Who I Promise is Not Me, Arrested for Stealing Human Skin

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Take a look at the name in the byline of this article. That's me, Gary Dudak, with an -AK at the end. Now, please keep that in mind as you read this disturbing news story.

A Pennsylvania man has been arrested for allegedly stealing human skin from a Philadelphia hospital for years. According to NBC10.com, Gary Dudek (with an -EK at the end) has been charged with theft and tampering witGary Dudek, man steals human skinh records. Investigators believe that he stole more than $350,000 worth of skin grafts from Mercy Philadelphia Hospital between November 2011 and July 2013.

However, it wasn't until a recent audit that the hospital realized all of their ordered skin grafts were missing. Reportedly, Dudek (once again, not me) was in a position to order the skin whenever he wanted, but made several unauthorized purchases. After looking into it, officials say they have evidence of his crimes and surveillance footage of Gary taking the human skin from the hospital and putting it in his car.

What he did with the skin grafts after that is anyone's guess, but I'm certain "Silence of the Lambs" is popping into many folks' minds right now.

Dudek was arrested and released on bail on Tuesday, and has now hired a lawyer.

Finally, just to clarify one more time, if you click on my name in the above byline, you will see a picture of me, Gary Dudak. Please do not confuse that handsome face of a guy who does not and never will steal human skin with Gary Dudek, the man you see in the mug shot above. Thank you for your understanding.

 

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The Donald Sterling Porn Parody is Here, and Heavy on Detail

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Porn parodies are a dime a dozen these days, but the sheer amount of preparation that went into the Donald Sterling edition seems a bit much for an erotic film.
donald sterling, v. stiviano
According to the Huffington Post, not only was an actual "actor" hired to play the role of Donald Sterling, but he did his homework, too. James Bartholet, who plays Sterling in the film and has appeared on both "General Hospital" and the teen sex film "Last American Virgin" (as well as numerous other porn parodies, of course), spent time reviewing tapes to get Sterling's voice down. He said, "I worked my way into the character. I had to make him real, three-dimensional and, I don't want to say likeable, but tolerable."

As for the rest of the cast, including porn star Raven Bay, who plays the role of V. Stiviano, they also strived to make their characters as genuine as possible, with Bay even asked to "put on more jewelry" by the director, as "It's not you anymore." So method.

Jovan Jordan, who plays the black professional basketball player Stiviano and Shelly Sterling (played by Nina Hartley) nail as revenge, lucked out when it came to authenticity as well. Since official NBA logos aren't allowed in porn, he was fortunate that the Clippers turned their shirts inside out as a sign of solidarity. Less authentic, maybe, is the fact that Jordan appears to be high as hell in this barely SFW preview:


Want even more porn parodies? We've got you covered: Classic Movie Posters With Their Porn Parody Titles

 

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Eva Green Shows Too Much Skin in Banned 'Sin City' Poster

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The latest promotional material for the upcoming "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For" has been released, and while we couldn't be happier with how it turned out, the MPAA have their fair share of nip-picks. Sorry, nit-tits. NITPICKS!

eva green sin city poster
The teaser poster, featuring actress Eva Green toting a gun while sporting a sheer robe (and barely at that) is causing the collective jaw of men everywhere to drop to the floor. But what exactly are the gripes that have now gotten the poster banned by the MPAA? According to the New York Post, "nudity - curve of under breast and dark nipple/areola circle visible through sheer gown." Yep, we can definitely see all of that.

Dimension Films have yet to comment on the matter, but we're pretty sure they accomplished exactly what they wanted to by releasing this to the public despite its MPAA ban. After all, how do you ban a poster that's already thousands of men's computer desktop background? The real shame is that studio executives are likely already working on a censored version of the poster, but that really only affects people at bus stops. We've already seen everything we needed to see right here.

Eva Green isn't the first actress to have one of her ads banned this year: Can You Guess Why This Scarlett Johansson Super Bowl Ad Got Banned?

 

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Melora Hardin's Beauty is 'Transparent'

Man Dresses as a Banana, Hires Mariachi Band to Quit His Job in a Blaze of Glory

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Most of us have had at least one horrible job that we eventually were able to quit on our own terms. But most of us kept it professional and bowed out gracefully. Well, after watching this video, you'll realize that was just plain dumb of us. The star of this video knows how to quit a job and he is an American hero because of it. Dressed as a giant banana and with the accompaniment of a full mariachi band, the man parades himself throughout the offices of his soon to be ex-employer. We should all aspire to obtain this kind of glory. The world would be a much more entertaining place if we did.

 

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10 Films Where a Lead Character Dies Long Before the Ending (WARNING: SPOILERS)

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