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Best Rooftop Bars in the US


Probably the Best Throw You Will Ever See

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Let's be honest. The Oakland Athletics dropped $36 million on Cuban outfielder Yoenis Cespedes in 2012 because of his bat. And so far, he's lived up to the hype in that department, hitting 61 home runs in his first 2 1/2 seasons in the big leagues.

But defensively, at least according to baseball metrics, Cespedes has been just an average outfielder so far. His defensive WAR in 2012 was -1.1, and it received a slight bump up to -0.5 a year ago.

Last night, however, Cespedes transformed from an average outfielder who just booted a Mike Trout base hit into a superhuman force in a matter of five seconds, thanks to what will probably be the best throw you will ever see.


It's 330 feet to the left field corner at Angel Stadium of Anaheim, so that means Cespedes threw that baseball about 310 feet in the air to home plate to nail Howie Kendrick and preserve the 1-1 tie.

The Athletics would lose the game in 14 innings, but who cares? That throw made my wife excited, and she hates baseball.

Speaking of wives, make sure she's not around while you check this out: The Hottest MLB WAGs of 2013

 

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Laughing at Pain: 13 Hilarious Sunburn Photos

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Every summer, millions of us venture out into the sun in hopes of a perfect, fun-filled day without any negative consequences. The problem is, as much joy as the sun giveth, it can also taketh away. The worst sunburns ever are what happens when the sun takes away that joy, but there is a silver lining. Sometimes, awful sunburns are pretty darn funny, and laughing at the pain is the only way to get through it.

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Man Stuck at Vegas Airport Overnight Films Entertaining Celine Dion Music Video

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I wish all of Celine's music videos were this good. Recently, a man named Richard Dunn was stranded with his wife overnight at the McCarran Airport in Las Vegas. Rather than take a nap or read a book, he decided to bust out his iPhone and spend the next three hours making a lip-syncing music video to Dion's version of "All By Myself." It has now become a viral sensation, and Dunn only had to suffer through a few funny looks from cleaners and eye rolls from his wife as he danced around the airport to make it happen.

 

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Arizona Man Arrested After Trying to Shoot the Moon

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Yeah, we'll go out on a limb and say that bullet isn't going to have the distance.

According to the Arizona Republic, a man in Prescott Valley was arrested on suspicion of unlawfully discharging a firearm after telling police he was trying to shoot the moon.
man tries to shoot moon with handgun
Cameron Read's girlfriend called 911 Friday night to report her boyfriend had fired several shots at her residence and was still armed. When police arrived on the scene, Read resisted arrest, refused to leave and began causing damage to the house, so officers arrested him by using force.

Witnesses said Read was talking about seeing Halley's Comet, which won't be visible until 2061, before he "fired a round out the window." They wisely decided to flee the house and told police they heard more shots while doing so.

Once in custody, Read told authorities he was attempting to shoot the moon with his handgun but wasn't trying to harm any people. He also admitted to smoking marijuana before firing a few rounds at the moon.

Seeing Halley's Comet? Firing your handgun at the moon? Let's be honest. It seems like Read was smoking some pretty good shit.

More fun with guns: Tennessee Woman Caught With Loaded Gun in Her Vagina

 

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Lightning Bolt Strikes and Engulfs Truck in Flames, Passengers Survive

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Your odds of winning the lottery are pretty much the same as your chances of being struck by lightning. Which of the two would you prefer? If you said lightning, you're pretty odd and might need some counseling - especially after watching this video of an elderly couple driving down a quiet highway in Canada and suddenly having their car get struck by lightning. The truck is immediately engulfed in flames and the lightning even left two massive craters in the asphalt. The couple were fortunate to come out of the incident entirely unharmed which is incredible when you watch the truck being struck in slow motion. I don't know about you, but I've decided to never go outdoors again.

 

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French Girl Trying to Make Some Point Ends Up Looking Like a Dumbass

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In fairness, maybe this girl's cause is very noble and just. I don't know. But I do believe she needs to work on her execution. According to a Google translation, her sign reading "Allez Les Filles" is French for "Go Girls." And she certainly does go - right into the lake after a very ungraceful jump attempt in high heels. Better luck next time, gal.

 

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GQ's Girls of Rio Get Us All Jacked Up for the 2014 World Cup

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If you weren't a fan of soccer before, GQ is about to change all of that with this choice clip of the curvy, bronzed bottoms of the beautiful girls of Brazil, home of the 2014 World Cup this summer. These Rio de Janeiro girls will not only make you question the love you have for your girlfriend, but they may just have you packing a bag and grabbing your visa without so much as a goodbye. Not since the 1950 FIFA World Cup has Brazil played host to the classic tournament, so this year they're pulling out all the stops, and by "stops," we mean the perfect buns of sandy beach blondes and the unbelievable breasts of brunette bikini mamas of the surrounding cities. If this is your first time watching World Cup soccer, you picked a good time to start, mate.

 

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Watch This California Mayor Throw Dog Poop Onto His Neighbor's Property

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The mayor of San Marino might be in, well, deep shit after a surveillance camera captured him throwing a bag of dog poop onto a neighbor's property.

According to CBS LA, Mayor Dennis Kneier admitted to throwing a bag of dog feces onto Philip Lao's walkway recently, but only after Lao's surveillance system captured him in the act of doing it.


Dennis Kneier might currently be in charge of running the city of San Marino, but it's pretty obvious after watching this video that his wife is in charge of running him. Watch at the ten-second mark as she makes him walk at a distance behind her and then tells him where to throw the bag.

In a written apology, Kneier said he just grew tired of carrying a bag of dog poop that somebody else had thrown on the ground, and "in a moment of stupidity," he threw it on the walkway.

But Lao thinks Kneier threw the bag on his property because he has vocally opposed the creation of a dog park in nearby Lacy Park and has "No Poop Zone" signs posted in his yard. While he has declined pressing charges for the time being, he has hired a lawyer and is thinking of "pursuing harassment."

Lao also said he still has the bag of dog poop in his possession and plans on bringing it to a future council meeting, and that's pretty disgusting.

Dog poop is really creating havoc this month: US Airways Made an Emergency Landing Because a Dog Pooped in the Aisle

 

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Today's Funny Photos

20 People Reveal the Funniest Lie They've Ever Told to a Child

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With all the sacrifices you make as a parent, there are times when you feel like just messing with your kid's head. Of course if you had an older sibling they did it constantly and probably scarred you for life. In a recent Reddit thread, people revealed the most outrageous lie they ever told to a child just for the fun of it. They're jerks, but some of them are really funny.

1. The Vultures
My dad used to tell us that if we lay perfectly still in the backyard for long enough then vultures would circle us and then land to try and eat us. My brother and I would lay silently in the backyard for hours while my dad sat inside watching TV and drinking beer. Well played, Dad ... well played.

2. The Robot
I told them I was a robot and "proved" it by doing math in my head. They were in second grade, I was in college, and about the hardest problem they could think up was "What's a thousand plus a thousand?"
The robotics program over at the college is doing some very impressive things, I told them.

3. Hands in Pockets
When I was in 9th grade, I told a 7th-grade girl that whenever a guy has his hand in his pockets he's masturbating. She ran around the mall pointing people out to me and couldn't believe she had never noticed it before

4. The Pool
In my high school, seniors used to tell the 7th graders that there was a 4th-floor pool (our school only has three floors. There was a door on the third floor that said "senior pool only" and somebody would occasionally get their feet wet and walk through the hallway leading to the door.

5. The Onion
I told my nine-year-old brother who hates onions that in order to turn ten he must consume and entire onion as if it were an apple. He did not believe me until the entire family got involved - my father even told him that he didn't get to turn ten for several years because he had such a hard time eating the onion.

6. Harry Potter
My friend told his little brother that erectile dysfunction was a Harry Potter spell.

7. Words
I told a kid that the human body only has so many words until it runs out and then you die. That's why old people slur their words more, because they are running out. It's a lot of words, millions, but don't waste them when you're a child. They didn't talk for the rest of the day.

8. Coconuts
The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said:
"Don't go near those, son ... those are bear eggs."

9. Automatic Doors
No matter how fast you run at them, automatic doors will always open.

10. The Checkout Line
Whenever a kid is messing around with the conveyor belt at my register, I'll turn it off and pretend he broke it. Sometimes he'll freak out and think he has to pay to have it fixed and it's glorious.
Sometimes the parent will think the kid broke it and they freak out and I realize some parents are stupid.

11. Unicycles
I told a kid that a car was essentially four unicycles lashed together, and there were really small people peddling at super high speed.

12. Vegetables
I'm an amputee and there was a little girl with her mom. She asked her mom why I was like that, so I told her that's because I didn't eat my vegetables.

13. Invisibility
I told my brother that I could turn him invisible. Me and my mum had a lot of fun with this. He truly believed this until he was at least 7.

14. Bobby Pins
I told my niece that every bobby pin has a different name. Carlos pin, John pin, Jose pin, Alejandro pin, ... you get the point.

15. Colors
I had a friend whose older brother taught her all the wrong names for colors before she attended kindergarten. That must have been fun.

16. Potato
I told to my 3-year-old nephew that my sister's name is Potato. It's was 10 years ago, he's still calling her that at every family gathering.

17. Kittens
When my wife I first started dating, my stepdaughters were little and for some reason, they learned that they couldn't figure out for themselves what the meal was going to be. There were times I'd be starting a pot of water, have spaghetti noodles, sauce, and cheese SITTING ON THE COUNTER, and they'd walk in, look at it, and then ask what's for dinner.

This happened often enough, and was followed by, "But I don't like that" - often enough that I got sick of it. One day, I told the three-year-old that the pot of soup I had going was actually kittens. "SHHHH. Listen, you can hear them mewing, if you're quiet." As the pot is bubbling away. It got to be a thing, and 13 years later, they're still asking what I'm making, and I'm still telling them it's kittens.

18. Turbo Button
My uncle used to tell my cousin and I that the hazard button in the car was the turbo button. Whenever we tried to press it, he would just accelerate when we did. For the longest time, we thought every car, even minivans, had turbo in them.

19. Santa
I told my kids that Santa only comes to good kids' houses. My oldest, who was 8 at the time, said that Santa didn't come to her best friend's house because she was Muslim. I said yeah, that's just what her parents tell her because she can't handle being told she's bad every year.

20. Nipples
My friend's dad when he was little: "Hey buddy, have you been pushing your nipples in every night?"
"W-what?"
"You haven't been pushing them in?"
"Why would I need to?!"
"You know how mommy looks different? She has boobs, right?"
"Yes ..."
"And men don't. Because we push our nipples in at night. But you haven't been."

 

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The Literal '80s Band Names Quiz

Season 2 Premiere of ThisIsMarkTwain@aol.com

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Everyone's favorite co-worker from American history has returned! "ThisIsMarkTwain@aol.com," our hilarious Web series that follows Twain around as he tries to fit in at a modern social media company, is finally back, and it seems that he still can't get any respect. In the season premiere, an unexpected celebrity visits the office and becomes the new source of Twain's displeasure.

For more original content, subscribe to Mandatory's YouTube channel and be sure to follow Mark Twain on Twitter.

 

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A Night Out At The Bar: What You Remember vs. What Actually Happened

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Duuude. Last night was so epic ... right? Um, about that. Things are never as awesome as they seemed after a big night out of boozing. Let's take a look at a night out at the bar in terms of what you remember compared with what actually happened.

 

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Australian Man Posts Hilarious Online Ad to Sell Cheating Wife's Wedding Dress

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An Australian man whose wife left him for a close friend after two years of marriage is showing the world that she didn't leave him because of his sense of humor.

When another friend noticed the cheating skank had left her "harlot-sized" wedding dress behind, he convinced the man to sell it online to help "recoup some of the losses." The man took his advice and posted an ad entitled "Wedding Dress for Bride Seeking Eventual Infidelity" on Gumtree, which is the Australian equivalent to Craigslist.
Man sells cheating ex-wife's wedding dress online
The entire ad is a must-read and can be seen here, but these are just some of our favorite blurbs:

Due to be married soon? Not planning on staying faithful? Want to sleep with one of your soon-to-be husband's closest friends? Then THIS is the wedding dress for you!

A one of a kind garment designed by Benedict Arnold, believed to be derived from the very cloth Judas Iscariot himself wore to the Garden of Gethsemane to betray the only son of God - Jesus Christ.

As an added bonus, this dress gives you the "entitlement" to legally obtain over half of your husband-to-be's worldly possessions.

Cosmetically, the garment is in better condition than the marriage - not looking for much. Make an offer.


Wow. This guy should be writing for Hallmark.

It's hard to top that one, but these ads come pretty close: The Most Bizarre Craigslist Ads You'll Ever See

 

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Ohio Man Arrested for Having Sex With Pool Float ... Again

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They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results, yet it's hard to say who is more insane in this case - the guy who keeps plowing rubber pool floats and rafts, or the justice system that continues to allow him to do so.
ohio man arrested for having sex with pool float again
According to the Journal-News, Edwin Tobergta was arrested for the ninth time Wednesday morning after a passerby traveling along a state highway witnessed him having simulated sex with a pink life raft while he was butt naked.

Tobergta was released from prison on May 17 and placed on five years parole after a 2013 arrest for pretty much the same thing. Except that time he humped a rubber pool float in front of 10-year-old girl who was trying to enjoy her new swimming pool.

In 2011, Tobergta was arrested for going to town on a pink inflatable swimming pool raft, and in 2008, he was arrested for public indecency after "standing naked in neighbor's yard and engaging in sexual activity."

Let's be honest. If the state isn't going to get this guy help, then maybe the best thing to do is dress him up like a pink swimming pool raft and send him to prison for ten years. Maybe then he'd realize why humping a pool raft is something that is frowned upon.

Sound familiar? Yeah, this guy has been on Mandatory before: The Weirdest Objects People Have Had Sex With

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

Woman Arrested for Offering Sex in Massachusetts Library

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Let's be honest. That sounds like a lot more fun than the library I used to frequent.

According to WCVB, Brittany Macintyre was arrested and charged with offering to perform sex acts after she allegedly slid a note to an undercover police officer that said she would give him a blow job for sixty bucks.Massachusetts Library Hooker

Police said the undercover officer walked into the Tewksbury Public Library and sat down at an open computer. Macintyre approached him a short while later, and the two began a conversation using pen and paper to maintain the library's silence rule.

Macintyre eventually "offered to perform a sex act" for the officer in exchange for sixty bucks and was arrested.

Library volunteer Dave Marcus was shocked to hear of the 20-year-old woman's arrest.

"It was certainly surprising that something like that was going on here," Marcus said. "It's not just a place for books; it's a place for learning and being up-to-date."

Well, technically, Dave, we are all now up-to-date on the going rate of a beej in the Tewksbury Public Library.

Who knows? Maybe Macintyre was reading some of these books and thought that the library doubles as an acceptable place to perform sex acts: The 40 Weirdest Books of All Time

 

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