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Russian Woman Performs Striptease to Prevent Her Car From Being Towed

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It didn't work, but it was one hell of an effort.

According to the Daily Mirror, what looks like an attractive woman in the Russian city of Tula stripped down to just her panties and a skimpy white T-shirt on Friday and began performing a striptease in hopes of persuading the police to not tow away her vehicle.


The woman left her white Crossover 4x4 in an illegal parking space, and when she returned, it was already on the back of a flatbed tow truck. After trying to negotiate with the police officer still on the scene, she tried to sweeten the pot by dropping her pants and doing her damnedest to turn a hook holding her vehicle down into a stripper's pole.

Either she found a police officer who doesn't like women (which Vlad Putin won't be very happy about), or a strip show doesn't go as far as cash when it comes to bribing Russian cops, because her vehicle was still taken away despite her efforts.

It's too bad for her that the tow truck drivers weren't cops, as it seemed like they enjoyed the show much more than the real one.

​She would be able to make more than enough to get her vehicle back if she was in America: Stripper Posts a Photo of the Whopping $3,345 She Made in a Single Day

 

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Three-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Performs A Sweet Stunt In Carnival Funhouse

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You hear about things that go wrong at a carnival or fair all the time. You know...rides malfunctioning or people getting sick from certain foods. But rarely do you hear about something that just goes super right. This little girl and her brother were making their way through a funhouse when they come to the classic spinning vertical loop. In attempt to figure out how to make it through, the tiny little girl accidentally ends up performing a stunt that would probably earn her a gold medal at the X Games.

 

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Alissa Arden Makes Texas Summers Even Hotter

Amber Lancaster is Mind-Blowingly Attractive

India Reynolds is an Animal for 'Zoo Today'

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India Reynolds gets cozy behind the camera as she gives us a sneak peek of her new Zoo Today shoot. The 23-year-old English model is something of a brunette goddess, previously posing as a Playboy model and breaking hearts and zippers of weak men one snap of the camera at a time. And now she's down to her black unmentionables for Zoo, a scenario we're more than okay with, getting comfy in the confines of a bed we can only hope to smell one day. A finalist in the London Sun's Page 3 Girls in 2009, India has the face of a young beauty with a bright future in modeling, but with the body of a girl we'd give our lives for. Watch India be a real sweetheart for the camera and don't forget to click refresh when you're done.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

English Veterinarian Loses License After Having Sex With Dog

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They say that in order to be a truly successful veterinarian, you have to love all animals, but this is pretty ridiculous.

According to the BBC, Oliver Lown recently lost his veterinary license after officials from the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons found videos and pictures of people and animals bumping uglies in his possession.
Man loses vet license after sex with animals
Several of those videos allegedly featured Lown himself plowing dogs and horses. While the Crown Prosecution Services declined to prosecute Lown on bestiality charges, the RCVS felt the combination of the videos and pictures was more than enough to strip him of his veterinary license.

Lown was convicted on five charges, three of them related to the "discovery of images or videos on a laptop or mobile phone," another one related to him "engaging in sexual activity with a horse and a dog" and the final one related to him sending messages that "referred to sexual activity with animals."

Lown, who received his training in Hungary, thankfully never had a chance to practice as a vet in the U.K., probably because he was too busy humping animals to find time to administer rabies shots.

The craziest part of the story might be that Lown isn't from Florida: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull in Front of His Neighbors

 

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The 15 Hottest Badass Women in Showbiz (Who Can Probably Kick Your Ass)


18 Shocking Porn Statistics You Didn't Know

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jenna jamesonThe porn industry is one of the biggest engines of entertainment in the world, but with the popularity of free, online porn the business has been forced to adapt with changing times. Here are 18 quite shocking statistics you probably didn't know about the adult industry.

1. The average pay for a guy in a straight girl/guy scene is between $200-$600 on average, depending on his popularity. However, if it's a less demanding scene, male actors could get as little as $50-$100.

2. According to porn agent Mark Spiegler, the average female porn star makes $40,000 to $50,000 per year, but obviously that number increases with their fame and number of scenes they're willing to do.

3. The University of Montreal attempted to do a study on the impact porn has on men's sex lives. To conduct the experiment they needed men that actively watch porn compared to men that have never watched it. The study never took place because they couldn't find a single guy that had never watched porn.

4. Most girls will make anywhere from $800-$1000 for a straight scene with one guy and one girl, with an extra $100 for every additional guy in the scene. If she's willing to do anal, it usually brings in an extra $100-$300 per scene.

5. According to a study conducted at Harvard, the state with the most porn subscriptions per Internet user is Utah, while the state with the lowest amount of porn users is Montana.

6. If a girl does a scene that's only oral, the average rate of pay is around $250, while a girl-on-girl scene comes out to around $600.

7. Adult performers usually get tested for diseases every 12 days, at the cost of around $150 per test, so on top of the fees taken out by agencies, they're also looking at a little over $300 per month on mandatory testing.

8. Approximately 12% of the websites on the Internet are porn. That's estimated at nearly 25 million sites.

9. Guess how many porns in Australia feature women with small breasts? That would be zero. Australia has a ban on any adult film that features females with A-cups.

10. The average career length of a female in porn is much shorter than you'd imagine. According to agents, most girls work in the industry for around four to six months.

11. Amateur performers clearly bring in less than famous stars, but the rate difference is much more significant than you'd imagine. Most amateur females aren't paid over $500, while amateur guys are paid as little as $100 per scene.

12. The belief that only guys view porn is a complete myth. While the majority of viewing is done by males, recent studies estimate that one out of every three porn users are female.

13. According to PornHub's data, the two words that appear most often in porn comments are "love" and "hot" by a significant amount. 67% of the comments were also positive in tone and sentiment.

14. The top two most-searched keywords on porn sites are "MILF" and "teen," which pretty much covers every end of the spectrum, doesn't it?

15. Pornhub reports that 44% of desktop porn viewing is done with Google Chrome, with Internet Explorer making up 23% and Firefox bringing in 20%. Thankfully there were no results for Netscape Navigator.

16. The most searched occupation on porn sites is "teacher," nearly doubling the amount of searches of any other occupation. The other popular searches included "babysitter," "nurse," "secretary" and "cop."

17. After the World Cup, porn activity in both Argentina and Germany jumped nearly 60% above their average levels with analysts assuming both countries needed some stress relief after the long match.

18. The state with the highest percentage of users watching gay porn is, ironically enough, Mississippi, where anal sex is illegal. They're followed closely by Georgia, Louisiana, New York, California and Florida.

 

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Awful Mom Leaves Kids Alone in SUV While Performing Oral Sex on Boyfriend

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Yeah, even in Louisiana, that's frowned upon.

According to WPTV, a Lake Charles woman was arrested and charged with child desertion after she left her two kids alone in her SUV while she gave her boyfriend a blowjob in his vehicle.
Princess Marks leaves kids in car while she gives boyfriend a blow job
Princess Marks told police that she was unable to see her two children, ages five and seven, while she was performing oral sex on her boyfriend in his car sometime around midnight. But somebody else did see the kids alone in the SUV and called the police.

The incident took place last Friday in the parking lot of a Lake Charles store. The Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's Office declined to say exactly which store it was, but this sounds like a perfect story for a Dollar General parking lot.

The windows were down and the SUV was not running, so it appears that the 25-year-old mother isn't a total loser. But either way, we're pretty sure that her parents missed the mark with the name "Princess."

It's time to add Princess Marks to the list: These Are The Worst Parents Ever

 

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Miami Heat Promotional Nights Without LeBron

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LeBron James, Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, Chris Cosh, Dwayne Wade

There was a brief moment where things were looking pretty bleak for the Miami Heat. After Lebron left, it looked like Chris Bosh and possibly Dwyane Wade would be jumping ship as well. No one was more concerned about this than the guy that's in charge of coming up with the special promotional nights throughout the season. Everyone wants to be there for Lebron T-shirt Night or Bosh Bobblehead Weekend, but what do you do when your centerpiece is Norris Cole? Here is a look at 12 different promotions Miami had planned for the 2015 season if that had been the case.

1. "Pat Riley Environmental Oil Change" Night
Instead of changing your car's oil yourself or having it done at Jiffy Lube, where the oil could damage the environment, come on down to the Heat vs. Celtics, where a team of engine experts will change your oil and recycle the old sludge and oil by pouring it directly onto Pat Riley's scalp. It's a win for everyone!

2. "Erik Spoelstra Facial Mold Mask" Night
We don't know why, but Erik Spoelstra bought a bunch of face-mold kits and made thousands of imprints of his weird little face. There's really nowhere to store them, so the first 1500 fans can have one if they'll take it. Actually, they can have as many as they want just as long as they're all gone by the end of the night.

3. "Only Shabazz Napier Shows Up" Night
Sure, it may seem like an excuse to give everyone else the night off, but Pat Riley and the organization assure you that's not the case. This is a night to celebrate a true class act in Shabazz Napier and definitely not because no one else wanted to show up.

4. DJ Rony Seikaly Night
No joke, former Miami Heat center Rony Seikaly is now a DJ. There's no way that could be a terrible idea, right? So for one game in December, fans will be treated to something better than a basketball game. That's right, Rony Seikaly will teach you the joys of being a DJ. He'll show you how to press play on iTunes, how to click next when a song is about to be over, and, most importantly, how to act like a complete douche while doing the easiest job in the world.

5. "Josh McRoberts Covers the Jason Mraz Discography CD" Night
I don't know Josh McRoberts or what his interests are off the court, but just by looking at the guy, you can tell he owns several acoustic guitars and is the first one to show you all the cords to "The Remedy" or any other smash hit from Mr. A-Z. Heat fans will get his entire acoustic collection for free!

6. "Harold Miner Caricature" Night
Everyone remembers Harold Miner in Miami! Nicknamed "Baby Jordan" after winning the slam dunk contest, everyone knew he was destined for stardom. Well, that didn't work out and he was desperate for work, so they asked him if he could do caricatures. He said no but they figured it would still be nice to give him the work anyway. Stop by the welcome center to have your picture sketched by Harold himself! He can only draw a bear, so husky men are highly encouraged to stop by.

7. "Toney Douglas Unnecessary Letter Giveaway" Night
This is a night that would have had the fans talking. Each person in attendance would receive a raffle ticket. At halftime, a name would be drawn and that person would receive the unnecessary E from Toney's first name! You can do with it as you please, plus a judge will be there to make your name change legal before the night's over. Imagine if your name was Lindsay and you won the raffle. Why now your name could be Lindseay, or Lindsaye, or Leindsay, or whatever you want. Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.

8. "Greg Oden Cartilage" Night
This one isn't as much fun as it is sad and unfortunate. The first 10,000 fans to arrive to the arena will receive a piece of cartilage from Greg Oden's knee. The remaining fans will be told they're receiving cartilage, but it'll actually be stale popcorn chicken. Still a treat!

9. "Bob McAdoo Turtleneck" Night
It's getting a little desperate at this point. There was a big sale on turtlenecks at a JC Penny outlet, so the organization bought them up and stitched assistant coach Bob McAdoo's signature onto the shoulder of each turtleneck. How jealous will all of your friends be when they see your amazing souvenir? Season ticket holders get matching slacks!

10. "Erik Spoelstra Facial Mold Mask" Night 2
Apparently the organization was anticipating so few of Erik's facial-mold masks being taken by fans, they planned to have another giveaway night unannounced. You actually won't even realize what night it is until you get home and notice they've been placed in the trunk of your car. Enjoy!

11. Justin Hamilton Will Drive You Home From The Game Night
It may take a while, but the Miami center was going to drive each fan in attendance home in his 2006 Honda Accord. He'll miss the next two weeks of games, but he won't rest until everyone has been delivered to their doorsteps.

12. "Remember When Lebron Played Here?" Night
The first week of January will see a very special night in the future of Miami Heat basketball. Instead of playing the Timberwolves in a game that not even the players want to see, we'll all just sit in the arena and remember what it was like when Lebron James played for the team. You can share stories with the person next to you or just keep them to yourself. Remember all those big shots he hit during his four years in Miami? We'll think about them all together!

 

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The 10 Funniest Nicki Minaj Butt Memes

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A wonderful thing happened last week when Nicki Minaj released the cover art for her new single "Anaconda." As you can see here, to call it "butt-baring" or "bootylicious" would be an understatement:

nicki minaj anaconda, nicki minaj single cover art
Even greater than this shot of Minaj's ass eating her G-string, however, is what the folks of the Internet have done with it. Minaj herself has had a pretty good sense of humor about it, posting some of the best Photoshop jobs and memes on her Instagram page. So, here are our ten favorites so far:

nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
nicki minaj instagram, nicki minaj butt meme, nicki minaj anaconda
via Nicki Minaj Instagram and anaconda_memes

 

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Probably the Worst Lap Dance We Have Ever Seen

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And keep in mind that we saw "Showgirls."

According to Gawker, the 15th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos took place last week in Thornville, Ohio, and it might have produced the most disgusting lap dance in the history of mankind.

While the Gathering is best known for concerts from rising artists as well as big names like Cypress Hill and Insane Clown Posse, the four-day festival also features wrestling, games, contests, karaoke, autograph sessions and choice vendors.

One of this year's choice vendors was Gary Busey's nephew Mike and his "King of Rock N Roll Debauchery" booth. Along with a large gentleman who goes by the name of Big LA, Busey and his "Beauties" were operating "somewhat of an outdoor strip club on the grounds."

Basically, if a Gathering patron purchased a T-shirt from the booth, "Busey's Beauties" would give him or her a free lap dance. Somewhere along the way, Big LA decided it was his turn to join in on the fun:


Three 6 Mafia's DJ Paul, who was sharing the booth with Busey in an attempt to sell some of his BBQ Sauce, posted the video to his Instagram page last weekend. But after watching that, we can't imagine sales for any kind of food product were successful. Well, unless Big LA was doing the buying.

Somehow this has to qualify here: 10 of the World's Weirdest Strip Clubs

 

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Office Meeting Quote Generator

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Office Meeting Quote Generator

If you work in an office, you have definitely heard at least one of these meaningless statements before. Click the "Give Me Another Quote" button below to see all the pointless things people say to sound important during office meetings.

I'll look into that and get back to you.

If you work in an office and you've ever been dragged into a meeting, you know you are about to lose an hour of your life for no reason. A lot of people who think they're important are going to say a lot of things they think are important, but in reality, it's all just an elaborate excuse to avoid doing any real work and to make the day go by faster. If you want to join in on the conversation, just use our office meeting quote generator to get your very own important-sounding comment to add to the next conference call. And then be sure to follow up on that next week and get back to us.


Also check out: The Hipster Baby Name Generator, Married Couple Quote Machine, Mitch Hedberg Quote Generator, Ralph Wiggum's Guide to Life, The Excuse Creator, DJ Name Generator and our Accountant Name Generator

 

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This Doberman Doesn't Understand How Slides Work


Today's Funny Photos

Little Kids Flipping the Bird Is Pure Humor

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Some of these children know what they're doing. The others have no clue. The thing they all have in common is when they grow up and see these photos, they'll find them as enjoyable as we do.

kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger
kids giving the finger, kids flipping the bird, baby giving the finger, baby flipping the bird, middle finger

 

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12 TV Sitcom Characters Who Disappeared Without Explanation

Watch These Two Insanely Lucky Women Somehow Survive Getting Run Over by a Train

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I don't know how these two Indiana women are still alive, but they are.

The footage above is from a bridge over Lake Lemon in Indiana. Trapped on top of the bridge with an oncoming train speeding towards them and no way to go in either direction, the women took the only option they had - lay as flat as possible on the train tracks and let the train run over them.

According to the local Indianapolis Fox affiliate, Fox 59, there were only 9 inches separating the women from the bottom of the train and fatal injuries. The conductor who called in the incident thought for certain that the women had died after his train ran them over.

H/t Gawker, via Fox 59

 

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18 Photos of Things That Look Like a Penis

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