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Groom Arrested on Wedding Night for Allegedly Groping Pregnant Bartender

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At least his bride knows that he'll find her attractive once she becomes pregnant.

According to Uproxx, a wedding aboard the Gateway Clipper in Pittsburgh this weekend went pretty much the exact opposite of how the newly married couple envisioned it would after the groom allegedly got "handsey" with a pregnant bartender and tried to pour alcohol down her throat.
groom gropes pregnant bartender on wedding night
Once the boat docked, the 20-year-old bartender called her boyfriend to come pick her up and told him what happened. When the boyfriend approached the groom, 33-year-old Mark Williams, the "verbal confrontation turned physical," and all hell broke loose.

When the dust had settled, 31-year-old Brian Taylor, a friend of the groom and a member of the Stowe Rocks School Board, allegedly yelled that he was HIV-positive while he tried to resist arrest. 35-year-old David Williams, the brother of the groom and a Pa. State Trooper, also stepped in and at one point hit another police officer in the arm.

The groom, his brother and Taylor were arrested and charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, riot and criminal mischief.

On the bright side, at least the newlyweds know that it's probably not going to get any worse than this as they live their lives happily ever after.

Here's another terrible start: This is the Worst Wedding Ever Caught on Film

 

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Dad Scares The Absolute Crap Out Of Showering Son

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Our new nomination for Father of the Year is this gentleman, who dons a gas mask in order to scare the hell out of his showering son. The poor kid is simply singing in the shower, as we all do, when ol' Pops tosses a glass of cold water over the sliding glass door. This kid immediately knows it was his father, but when he goes to confront him, he isn't expecting the mask. His reaction is pure comedic gold. It's like the shower scene in "Psycho," but with a higher pitched scream.

 

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Russian Road Rage Incident Catches Mickey Mouse and SpongeBob SquarePants Beating Driver Up

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So yeah. I don't really know what's going on here so I'll just describe what I see. It appears one man gets upset and cuts off another car to challenge them to a fight. Once he does this, a bunch of people in hilarious outsized mascot suits jump out and kick his ass. Two of the mascots include SpongeBob SquarePants and Mickey Mouse. And when SpongeBob SquarePants and Mickey Mouse are beating the crap out of you in a road rage incident, you should probably re-consider getting out of your car and challenging people to fights in the streets.

Either way, this is definitely the weirdest thing I've ever seen recorded on a Russian dash cam. And that's saying something.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

10 Heroic Tales That Ended Up Being Completely Fake

Today's NFL Quarterbacks If They Were Bald, Part 2

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Last season, we thought it'd be amusing to mess around on photoshop and see what it would look like if today's NFL quarterbacks were bald. The results brought joy to our hearts. But we couldn't get to all of the league's QBs. So to make sure everyone feels included heading into the 2014 NFL season, we worked up a new batch of stars with no hair. (Warning: Johnny Manziel with a receding hairline may haunt your dreams.)

Eli Manning, New York Giantstodays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald

Johnny Manziel, Cleveland Brownstodays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald

Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravenstodays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald

Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskinstodays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald
Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks
todays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald
Nick Foles, Philadelphia Eagles
todays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald
Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
todays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald
Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals
todays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald
Sam Bradford, St. Louis Rams (Sorry, Sam, we did this before you hurt your knee. No hard feelings?)
todays nfl quarterbacks if they were bald

 

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Driver Lucky to Be Alive After Metal Rod Flies Through Windshield

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Some people believe that you should live every day as if it's your last, and stories like this make it hard to argue with that. These photos come to us from a Lithuanian auto blog, and through the magic of Google Translate we've learned that this man was driving behind another vehicle when a valve rod fell off and smashed through his windshield, grazed his shoulder, and pierced the driver's seat just inches away from his head and other vital organs. The six photos below are just another horrifying reminder that no matter what you're doing, you are just a freak accident away from death. Have a great day!

metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive
metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive
metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive
metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive
metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive
metal rod through windshield, guy lucky to be alive

 

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Better Than Bar Food: Jalapeno Poppers

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Love bar food but hate the subsequent bloat? These quick and easy recipes are seriously tasty, definitely doable and much better for you than pub grub. This week we'll show you how to make jalapeño poppers at home (side note: they're healthy, too).

 

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The Slow Mo Show: Paintball Attack

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Welcome to the Slow Mo Show, where we take cool things back a few steps to show you how awesome they really are. This week? We shot the hell out of each other, paintball-style. In the name of science.

 

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14 Emo and Goth Pickup Lines Guaranteed To Get Her Attention

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goth emo people pickup lines

The problem with pickup lines is that they're too broad and generic. Everyone knows a polar bear weighs enough to break the ice at this point, so you have to find a way to stand out. Well you're in luck! If you're trying to start a conversation with that goth or emo girl at the end of the bar, here are 16 lines that are guaranteed to work. They start with your typical eye-roll worthy intros that we've all heard a million times and then take a dramatic turn. Good luck!

1. "Did it hurt when you fell? "From where?" "From the homepage on DeviantArt."

2. "You know what would look great on you? This My Chemical Romance hoodie."

3."Do you have a mirror in your pocket? I just want to make sure my eyeliner is on thick enough."

4. "How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to put me out of this endless torment if it fell on top of me."

5. "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would probably just leave it how it is because none of this matters and life is meaningless."

6. "I lost my phone number. Can I have yours or can you just use your phone to see what time 'The Craft' comes on TBS tonight?"

7. "That's a nice dress. It'll look even better when it's slowly decaying beneath the earth since each moment brings everything one step closer to death."

8. "Is it hot in here or is my phone just overheating from all the alerts of comments on my LiveJournal?"

9. "Your legs must be tired because you've been running through Warped Tour all day."

10. "If I said you had a beautiful body would you consider getting a lip ring and gauges in your ears so I can actually find you attractive?"

11. "Was your father a thief? Because it would be great if he could go into Hot Topic and steal a bunch of clothes for me."

12. "Do you come here often and sit hopelessly under the dim lights of the bar waiting impatiently for the reaper to come harvest your soul?"

13. "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I show you this Underoath fan art I made again?"

14. "Let's get out of here together. No I don't want to go back to my place. There's just so many fake poser scene kids around here I can't stand it."

 

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Vital Stats: Your Brain on Sports

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Want to know the nitty-gritty facts that'll set you apart in pub trivia competitions for the rest of your life? Then watch, son. This week: vital stats on what happens to your brain when you watch sports.

 

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Cleveland Couple Caught Stealing Sex Aids From Walmart

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Purchasing condoms or sex enhancers can be embarrassing, but it's not as bad as getting arrested for stealing them.

According to The Smoking Gun, a 23-year-old woman and 20-year-old man decided to hit up a Cleveland area Walmart last Wednesday for a 1:45 a.m. shopping sesh. But instead of leaving for home when they were finished, the couple left in handcuffs for allegedly stealing just over thirty bucks worth of sexual pleasure aids.ohio couple steals sex aids from walmart

A Walmart security guard witnessed Kia Porter (pictured) and Geoffrey Greene "conceal four boxes of sexual pleasure aids into Porter's purse." When he confronted the couple, Porter became "verbally combative" and refused to cooperate.

But once the local police arrived on the scene, Porter began singing a different tune. When officers looked inside her purse, they found two Trojan Intense Pleasure Vibrating Rings and two LifeStyles His and Hers Pleasure Massagers with a combined value of $30.52.

The two were arrested for misdemeanor theft and are set to appear in court on September 11.

No word on whether or not the couple still went home to bang one out after they were released.

Stealing sex aids isn't even close to being the craziest crime in Ohio this year: Ohio Man Arrested For Having Sex With Pool Float ... Again

 

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#IfMyPhoneGotHacked Is All the Rage on Twitter

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While the hacking of (alleged) iCloud files belonging to celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton is undoubtedly a scary situation for celebs and normal people alike, it is also responsible for the creation one of the best hashtags to hit Twitter this year.

#IfMyPhoneGotHacked has owned Twitter since the news of the stolen nude celebrity photos broke over the holiday weekend, with many people attaching their most embarrassing photos from their smartphones to their tweets. Sure, some of the pictures are of guys with a chain-like device connecting their penis to their nipples or women humping chairs, but the majority of them are actually hysterical and SFW.

Here are just some of our favorites:
Another great reason to spend five more minutes on Twitter: The 100 Sexiest Twitter Pics

 

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Utah Woman Who Swallowed Stolen Ring Ordered to Monitor Her Poop

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No word on whether or not she'll be awarded with extra time served for having to dig through her own bowel movements.
woman who swallowed stolen ring must monitor poop
According to the New York Daily News, a Utah woman in jail for swallowing a ring that was stolen by her accomplice has been ordered to dig through her own feces until she finds it.

The 25-year-old Christina Schlegel and 30-year-old Bryan Ford were arrested after Ford stole a double-band wedding ring worth "several thousand dollars" from Zales and jumped into Schlegel's car. But when police stopped the vehicle shortly after the robbery, they couldn't find the ring.

It was determined that Schlegel swallowed the evidence after an X-ray revealed it was lodged inside of her.

Now Schlegel - not police - has to pick apart her crap until she finds the ring.

"We don't get paid enough to dig through people's bowel movements," Orem Police Lt. Craig Martinez said. "Schlegel must do that job."

Schlegel has a dry toilet in her cell that does not flush, but that's not going to make her chore any less disgusting.

No word on what will happen to the ring once Schlegel shits it out, but here's to hoping that it never finds its way back into a Zales display case for somebody else to purchase.

If she's having "trouble," these foods can be a big help: Foods That Make You Poop

 

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Some Guy Recreated a Bunch of Female Tinder Pics and They're Glorious

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If you're using Tinder, it's pretty much to try to get yourself a date. Unless you're this guy. He seems to be using the popular dating app for inspiration. His name is Jarrod Allen and he's here to make us all laugh and squirm as he recreates the Tinder profile pictures of a number of women.

Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
Guy Recreates Girl Tinder Profile Pics
via Imgur

 

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15 Sexy Photos of Hot Girls Doing Manly Work

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Most guys think pretty girls have it easy, but there are some hotties out there doing some of the dirty grunt work that are typically designated to men. Have a look at some of the hottest genuinely hardworking girls you can find.

Electrician
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Firefighter
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Football Player
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


NASCAR Pit Crew Member (pictured: Christmas Abbott)
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Soccer Ref
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Car Washers
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Farmer
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Mechanic
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Machine Gunners
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Air Conditioner Repairwoman
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Welder
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Carpenter (pictured: Greta De Parry)
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Grill Master
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work


Hunter
hot girls manly jobs, hot girls doing dirty work

Plumber
girl plumber, sexy girl plumber gif

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The 10 Weirdest Japanese Video Games Ever

The Slow Mo Show: Water Sports

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Welcome to the Slow Mo Show, where we take cool things back a few steps to show you how awesome they really are. This week? We got wet and wild. In the name of science.

 

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11 Supporting Actors Who Seem to Be in Everything

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