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The Oddest Things Bequeathed in Dead People's Wills

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The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills
It's hard enough to deal with the passing of loved ones, but then we also have to handle the absurd requests left in their wills. Ironically, some of the ways the deceased are best remembered are from the oddest things they bequeathed in their wills. Here are 10 of them and be thankful you weren't the executor.

Slapping the Skin Drums
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, solomon sanborn
American hatmaker, Solomon Sanborn, requested his skin to be removed from his body and used as the skin of two drums. The drums were to be given to a friend of his and then played in commemoration of the Battle at Bunker Hill every June 17 at dawn to the beat of "Yankee Doodle." Talk about marching to the beat of your own drum! The rest of him was to be made into compost fertilizer.

Sexist Library
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, sexiest library
We've heard of sexy librarians, but never a sexist library. Iowa attorney T.M. Link passed in 1930 and requested his fortune be spent on constructing a beautiful library with but one stipulation: no girls allowed. Not only did the library not welcome women, it specifically was to have no literature by female authors and contain no artwork or furniture made by women. He left five dollars to his daughter and nothing to his wife. Safe to say Mr. Zink was not a fan of the ladies.

Janis Joplin's Last Hurrah
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, janis joplin
A last minute edit to Janis Joplin's will testified that she demand $2500 to be set aside for a kickass 200-person afterparty to celebrate her death and "have a blast" after she was gone. (The party was held at her favorite pub in San Anselmo, California.) After she made the amendment to her will, Janis Joplin overdosed two days later.

Harry Houdini's Cruel Trick
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, harry houdini
The magician who pulled many a bunny from his hat donated those bunnies to children of his friends, but the real trick was when he left 10 words to his wife, random words for contacting him in the realm beyond. She held seances every Halloween for 10 years using the 10 words, but Houdini never showed up. Either there isn't much of an afterlife, or Houdini burned in hell for all the bunny cruelty.

Cat House
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, cat house
Jonathan Jackson was a lover of animals and in 1880, it became abundantly clear just how much. He left in his wake a fortune to be used for a cat house, including an auditorium, dining hall, furnished bedrooms and a gym. He believed the animal kingdom should be watched over by man, which might explain why the roof was built for climbing too.

Charles Bronson Wins the Lottery
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, charles bronson
Audrey Knauer could technically be classified as a fan of Charles Bronson. After all, she left $300,000 to him in her will and nothing to her family. The best part: He accepted the money (half). He donated it to charity, and the rest went to a local library. It's safe to say she wasn't too considerate of her family.

Ghost Dinner Party
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, ghost dinner party
John Bowman wholly believed he would be reunited with his wife and daughters in the afterlife, so much so that he left $50,000 to have his home kept and meals served every night by the servants so that if they came back to the home one day, there would be food ready for them. This started in 1891 and continued until 1950 when the money finally ran out. That's got to be the longest streak of meals where somebody didn't finish their vegetables.

Eleanor Ritchey's Generous Dog Bone
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, eleanor ritchey dogs
A wealthy Florida woman left $4.5 million to her 150 dogs -- that's a lot of dogs for one person -- in 1968. The will, however, was contested for five years and by the time it was sorted out, the trust grew to $9 million, but more than half of her dogs had already died. Bet she didn't see that coming.

Napoleon Splitting of Hairs
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, napoleon
Mr. Bonaparte was a lot of things, but a good gift giver was apparently not one of them. In his demise, Napoleon requested that his head be shaved and his hairs be distributed amongst his friends. Boy, I would have loved to be there when they received those parting gifts. You really shouldn't have.

Pringles Can Man
The Oddest Things Found in Dead People's Wills, fred baur pringles
He was the creator of the Pringles chip can, so it seems only fitting that Fred Baur's urn would be none other than a Pringles can holding his remains. I think I could stop after just one in this case.

 

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How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey

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How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, turkeys
There's a maxim in cooking that says the more effort and skill a dish requires, the better it's going to taste, and a Thanksgiving turkey proves the rule. Admit it, it's pretty rare to be bowled over by a bird that's vacuum-sealed in bright white plastic, nestled into a yellow net, and spends several days thawing in your fridge. Organic, free-range turkeys are leagues better, but the cost can be significant. Pioneers, pilgrims, Native Americans and hunters of all stripes will tell you that for the real turkey experience, you'll have to take matters into your own hands. (Photo credit: Vicki Deloach via Flickr CC)

Obtaining Your Turkey

The only legal way to obtain a wild turkey - other than paying someone to obtain it for you - is to get a hunting license and a weapon, and hit the trail. If the Apocalypse has happened, there are a number of ways to trap the birds, but if it hasn't, you can really get yourself in hot water by not respecting the rules and regulations of your state; trapping birds is illegal in all 50. And as far as seasons, licenses, and firearms, do the research in advance; Fish and Game Department fines often involve more than money.

How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, shotgun
It's worth remembering that turkeys are notoriously hard to hunt; even skilled hunters might only bag one or two per season, so it requires some patience. When the moment comes and you're face-to-beak with a wild turkey, you want to aim the shotgun at its head and neck, otherwise you'll find little metal pellets in the meat. If firearms are not to your taste, you can always try the seriously old-school method of bow and arrow. If you need a few tips and tricks about bow hunting, shoot Ted Nugent an email; he seems to be something of an expert. (Photo credit: Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources via Flickr CC)


Prepping Your Bird
How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, turkey neck
Now that you've diminished the wild turkey population by a factor of one, there's an unpleasantry to deal with: It's impossible to avoid getting your hands dirty. Sure, you could hire someone to pluck and dress the bird, but that sort of messes up the effort/results maxim, doesn't it? So, the first step is to hang the turkey up by its feet and, with a sharp knife, remove the head. Not only should the knife be sharp, it should be heavy and big. In fact, you might consider using an axe or hatchet, maybe a saw, and then hanging the turkey up by its feet. Let the blood drain from the bird once the head is gone. (Photo credit: Jon Pinder via Flickr CC)

Using a propane heater (check with your local hardware store) and a metal container big enough to hold the turkey, heat a quantity of water sufficient to submerge the bird into. Once the water is at or around 160 to 170 degrees, hold the turkey by its feet and plunge it in. Hold it under for about two minutes. Be forewarned: the scent of a large bird's feathers being simmered is, to put it politely, singular. After two minutes are up, lay the bird on a flat surface and begin plucking the feathers. The big feathers are easy -- it's the little pin feathers that will drive you to distraction.

How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, metal bucket
With your super-sharp knife, cut the feet away at the knee joint. You should now have a plucked and de-footed bird that looks something like a turkey you'd buy. But don't go feeling a sense of satisfaction quite yet -- the real fun is about to start. Lay the turkey on its back. Do you see the spot above the tail that looks like a small button? That's the cloaca; the birds use it for laying eggs and excreting. With the point of your knife, cut around it in a circle and pull it out. You'll want to stand back when you do this because the bird's guts are going to come sliding forth in a gush. Discard them after they do. (Photo credit: State Farm via Flickr CC)

How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, turkey diagram
Use your knife to enlarge the hole and reach in. Feel around and start pulling out the organs -- the heart, lungs, liver, etc. They may come out in one big gloppy pile, or you might have to really dig in with your fingers. You will probably notice that there's a large deposit of green stuff under a membrane. It's essential that this comes out unbroken. The whole thing is the bird's bile sac and it will ruin the meat if it breaks. You can save the heart, liver, and gizzards -- aka, the giblets -- for making gravy or in a stuffing. (Photo credit: Maine.gov)

How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, turkey cutting
For the final step, you'll want to wash the bird inside and out with a lot of cold water. You're almost certain to find many sharp little barbs from feathers that didn't get plucked cleanly. You can go at them with a pair of needle-nosed pliers. Some of the barbs might really give you some problems, but you've come this far and there's no point finishing in a half-assed way so don't give up. Once the bird is cleaned and washed, you can put it into the oven and get your turkey dinner going, but you'll probably get the best flavor if you let it sit, refrigerated, overnight. (Photo credit: Berkeley.edu)

How to Kill Your Own Thanksgiving Day Turkey, turkey in sink

(Photo credit: Darren Pierson via Flickr CC)

 

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Ranking Your Favorite Thanksgiving Day Dishes By Calories

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Every November brings Thanksgiving with it, and every Thanksgiving brings the inevitable hysteria about healthy eating. The nutrition-minded wring their hands and quail about the 4500 calories the average American packs away during their holiday celebration, and every food magazine and website trot out their lists of healthier alternatives to the old Thanksgiving standbys. This is, to be kind, a bunch of hogwash. Thanksgiving is one freaking day a year and on that one day, why would (or should) anyone restrain themselves? Live a little! However, that doesn't mean you can eat in blissful ignorance -- if you're going to overdo it, you should know why those dishes count as an indulgence. Here's a list of 10 delicious Thanksgiving foods, sorted by calories, to offer you the thrill of doing something you know is bad.

Turkey
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, turkey
Turkey is, correctly, considered to be a healthy food. It's high in protein and low in fat and calories. In fact, a three ounce portion of white meat will run you around 135 calories, give or take. But, come on, who is going to eat a mere three ounces of turkey? Who is going to eschew the dark meat? And whether it's white or dark meat, who is going to skip the fat-drenched deliciousness of the skin? Right. So a proper Thanksgiving portion of turkey will take a caloric toll of about 265. (Photo credit: Pam Corey via Flickr CC)

Ambrosia Salad
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, ambrosia salad
For reasons that defy any and all logic, this salad is a staple of more Thanksgiving dinner tables than anyone could reasonably explain. But who wouldn't love a gelatin salad, brimming with canned mandarin and pineapple, shredded coconut, maraschino cherries, whipped cream and miniature marshmallows? This is, of course, a rhetorical question asked with ten different kinds of irony. No one loves this salad, but it's often eaten out of politeness. Such a gesture of good grace will cost you an easy 275 calories. (Photo credit: Lobstar28 via Flickr CC)

Candied Sweet Potatoes
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, candied sweet potatoes
Sweet potatoes are naturally quite sweet to begin with. As they cook, the flavor and sweetness intensifies to almost dessert-like levels. Most American Thanksgiving celebrants, not content to leave well enough alone, layer brown sugar on their sweet potatoes and, frequently, marshmallows, too. The results will make your teeth ache and add at least 250-300 calories to your tally. (Rianastellburg via Flickr CC)

Mashed Potatoes
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, mashed potatoes
One of world cuisine's most inspired and exquisite inventions, mashed potatoes result from the mixing of boiled potatoes with large measures of butter and cream. The more butter and cream, the more sublime the end product. Of course there are killjoys out there who insist on carping about how bad they are for both the heart and waistline. These people should be ignored; go right ahead and enjoy every single one of the 200 calories even a small serving nets you (though you'll probably have three). On one website out there, a nutritionist advocates skipping the mashed potatoes this year in favor of quinoa. This individual obviously hates freedom. (Photo credit: Ernesto Andrade via Flickr CC​)

Green Bean Casserole
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, green bean casserole
Green beans in their unaltered state are loaded with nutrients. Feeling a depletion of vitamin A, thiamin, fiber and minerals? Look no further than a serving of steamed-but-still-crunchy green beans to alleviate what ails you. The nutrients, however, begin disappearing when those beans are cooked to sogginess, mixed with a can of cream of mushroom soup, topped off with those strangely compelling Durkee fried onions and baked until bubbling. This perverse deliciousness will cost you a smooth 200 calories per small serving, as well. (Liz Lagman Sperl via Flickr CC)

Gravy
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, gravy
In theory, gravy is benign. You fry a little bit of flour in a small measure of oil to make a roux, then add the juices of a cooked turkey. In practice, gravy is highly caloric because most wise cooks realize that fat contains an abundance of flavor and don't bother skimming it off when all the pan drippings are added to it. A quarter cup of the stuff adds around 260 calories to a Thanksgiving meal, but a true gravy enthusiast will usually pour way more than that over his or her plate. (Photo credit: I believe I can fry via Flickr CC)

Canned Cranberry Sauce
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, canned cranberry sauce
There are some foods -- like a cheese danish, for example, or ketchup -- that are just not meant to be cooked at home, that, in fact, benefit from all the artificialness that attends them. Think of that white frosting dribbled over the danish or the difference in taste between a sugar-free, organic ketchup and a bottle of Heinz. Many Thanksgiving cooks violate this maxim by making their own cranberry sauce. Real aficionados, however, will reach for the canned variety, preferably with all those grooves from the can's interior imprinted on the surface. Alas, all good things come with a price: In this case, the sugar, mere wisp of actual cranberry and copious high-fructose corn syrup will run you 110 entirely empty calories for a small serving. (Photo credit: Gene Han via Flickr CC)

Stuffing
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, stuffing
At its most basic, stuffing is simply stale bread that has been moistened with the juices of a cooked bird, seasoned and frequently baked in the cavity of the turkey. Most people aren't content to keep it at that sort of bare bones level and often add butter, sausage, turkey giblets, chestnuts, and on and on. It's naturally delicious (especially when butter and turkey fat are mixed in), but also dense with calories. If you go all out, with both ingredients and serving size, you can expect to get yourself 500 in the caloric red. (Photo credit: Greg Hirson via Flickr CC)

Pecan Pie
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, pecan pie
Nuts ... eggs ... bourbon -- so far, so good. Now, add corn syrup, brown sugar, butter and place the results in a lard-laden pie crust. This dessert has a long and illustrious presence in the annals of Southern cuisine, and pecan pie has graced innumerable Thanksgiving tables. Nutritionists vilify the stuff because a single slice of a traditional pecan pie -- one slice being 1/8th of a pie -- means approximately 500 calories. But if you've gotten this far with holiday dinner, what possible difference could it make? (Photo credit: Jill via Flickr CC​)

Alcohol
How Many Calories Are In All Those Delicious Thanksgiving Dishes?, alcohol
Finally, the booze. A glass of red wine is good for your heart, helps lower cholesterol, and is chock full of antioxidants. And its 125 calories per glass seems pretty reasonable. But you're not going to just have a single glass of red wine on Thanksgiving, are you? No, there will probably be a beer or two (at 150 calories a pop) or maybe more, not to mention the bourbon you'll employ to help settle your stomach later on, at 90 calories per 1.5 ounce serving. All in all, a hard-drinking holiday will cost you around 1000 calories. (Photo credit: Didriks via Flickr CC)

 

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The Pre-Game: The Ultimate Thanksgiving Episode

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The Pre-Game: The Ultimate Thanksgiving Episode


Welcome back to "The Pre-Game" with your host Cy Amundson, our show that features everything you care about in the world of sports, social media and comedy. Today's episode features actor Mike Mitchell and comedian Blake Wexler. Listen to the guys talk through all of the ups and downs of spending Thanksgiving with your family before picking the Chicago Bears-Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Day game with the food toss challenge. (It gets a little messy.)

"The Pre-Game" host and producer Cy Amundson has quickly established himself as one of the nation's fastest rising stand-up comedians. He was a standout performer as a New Face at last summer's Montreal Just For Laughs festival and recently made his television debut on "Conan."

Named CMT's Next Big Comic for 2011, Cy has been on the "Bob and Tom Show" and has performed in the Aspen Comedy Festival, Seattle International Comedy Competition, and the Great American Comedy Festival.

Visit the Home of "The Pre-Game" for more episodes.

 

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Pranked: Customer Service, In Real Life

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Video8_Customer_Service_Prank_v3.Mov

Meet Greg Benson, YouTube's most prolific prankster. We set him loose in Los Angeles to prank unsuspecting passersby for our viewing pleasure. This week he offers exemplary customer service to people, in real life, nowhere near a shop. Enjoy!

 

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Price Sticker Placement Can Turn Products Into Something Very Different

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It's amazing what removing a few key letters can do. We don't think for a second that these were accidental, either. Somebody somewhere was probably bored at their job and decided to have some fun, and their drudgery made for some very entertaining product titles. We'd buy these.

sticker placement, the very hung caterpillar
sticker placement, normal activity
sticker placement, cock vs zombies
sticker placement, my dick
sticker placement, butt swords
sticker placement, we all sin together
sticker placement, beef strips
sticker placement, voices of the lolocaust
sticker placement, a dick of a cat
sticker placement, ass hunter
sticker placement, semen
sticker placement, m&ms
sticker placement, shaving a baby
sticker placement, the colon
sticker placement, sex poncho
sticker placement, crappy quilts
sticker placement, urine ear drops
Via Imgur

 

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This Genius Posted The Funniest Thanksgiving Date Offer On Craigslist You Will Ever Read

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Calling all single ladies looking for a last-minute date for Thanksgiving: we have found your man. Read this and tell me you're not tempted...

thanksgiving date craigslist

Not only is this an incredibly smart way to get a date, he's also scamming a free meal. And it's the biggest meal of the year. This man is a genius. (And, apparently, a felon. But let's not judge.)

h/t Memewhore

 

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Florida Police Arrest Man Named Phuc Kieu

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Although based on his actions, that might just be a cover for his real name: Richard Head.

According to the Gainesville Sun, police arrested a 58-year-old Orlando man named Phuc Kieu Sunday afternoon after he allegedly tried to rape and rob a man who had just used an ATM.

phuc kieu arrested
Gainesville police said Kieu was sitting in his Honda Civic watching gay porn on a portable DVD player when a man who had just withdrawn $220 from an ATM walked past the car. Kieu allegedly jumped out of the vehicle, threw the man into the driver's seat and tried to pull off his clothes while he straddled him.

The man was luckily able to push Kieu off of him and get away, and he ran to a nearby shopping center yelling, "Rapist!" He was able to maintain possession of his backpack, but his recently withdrawn cash went missing "at some point" during the scuffle.

Police charged Kieu with sexual assault, kidnapping and robbery without a weapon, which must mean that erections are not considered weapons in the state of Florida.

The most disgusting things usually take place in Florida: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull in Front of His Neighbors

 

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Christmas Comes Early With Miss December Elizabeth Ostrander

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Elizabeth Ostrander is a lot of things: surfer, kite boarder, real boob owner. Not only is Elizabeth your Miss December for the holidays, but she's a rare Playboy Playmate to have a rack au naturale, especially during such a festive time of year. The sexy strawberry blonde says people constantly mistake her boobs for being fake, but we promise you this: they're real, and they're fantastic. If you didn't know what to ask for this Christmas season, just ask your mom to splurge five bucks so you can spend the holidays alone with Elizabeth in your old bedroom, getting caught just like the old days. Boy, would I like to build a gingerbread house out of that!

 

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Katia Winter is One Girl We'd Love to Have a Drink With

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Katia Winter is a classy gal, and if there's one thing we love, it's classy gals. She's a sophisticated 31-year-old Swedish actress from the new "Sleepy Hollow" series, and she's here with Maxim to teach us a little about good drinks and places to get them. Sporting a French 75 and a fan of a good Moscow Mule, Katia is not only beautiful and a great actress, she's got good taste, too. And if you watched her on "Dexter," you know she's the one girl who made it out alive. That's no surprise really. Who could lay a hand on Katia? We could! But it would be a loving hand of endearment and overpowering hormones.

 

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Watch This Building Collapse After a Woman Crashes a Stolen SUV Into It

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Talking on your cellphone while blowing stoplights and stop signs at 80 MPH in a stolen SUV: what could possibly go wrong?

According to the Kansas City Star, a woman somehow managed to sustain only non-life-threatening injuries last week after she crashed a stolen SUV into an unoccupied building in Kansas City, Mo.


Kansas City Police Capt. Chris Sicoli said his officers didn't pursue the stolen vehicle until it ran a stop sign just after 10 a.m. Thursday morning. A high-speed chase ensued, and according to one witness, the woman behind the wheel was talking on her cellphone when she ran over a fire hydrant and then came to a complete stop inside the vacant building.

"It sounded like a bomb," Cynthia Bell said. "I said, 'Something is going to end up happening,' and lo and behold, something ended up happening."

The crash was responsible for a partial implosion of the building that used to be a Ford dealership. The building's owner was using it as storage for unrestored antique cars, some of which crashed to the ground floor from the second floor after the impact.

It's probably the scariest thing to happen to Kansas City since this happened: Watch This News Reporter Get the Crap Scared Out of Him by a Screaming Royals Fan

 

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Candy-Ass Would-Be Burglar Chased Off By Tiny Dog

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It takes stones the size of grapefruits to jump a fence onto another man's property and even think about ganking something.

Or so we thought.

According to the New York Daily News, a security camera in South Africa recently captured a would-be burglar getting chased off the property by a guard dog. And while on the surface that seems like it wouldn't necessarily be the worthiest of news stories, wait until you see the size of the pooch who sent this guy running for his life.


No word if the guy was ever apprehended by authorities, but who knows? Even if the police did catch up with him, maybe they thought the embarrassment of being seen by millions of people worldwide running from a dog the size of his foot was enough of a punishment.

Forget the dog. Here's a cat you might want to run from: Badass Cat Saves Boy From Vicious Dog Attack

 

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Mandatory Viewing: Thanksgiving FAILs and Fun

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Mandatory Viewing: Thanksgiving FAILs and Fun

Welcome to Mandatory Viewing, our weekly show where men talk sports, politics, current events and really weird Internet videos they hope their children will never see. This week: we've got the five best Thanksgiving FAILs and hilarity you need to set yourself up to overeat and grin and bear it with family.

 

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Today's Funny Photos


10 People Who Really Hate Pants

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If a sign says "no shirt, no shoes, no service," you could be forgiven for thinking that you don't need to wear pants. But that would be wrong and often illegal. In this feature, we'll tell ten stories of individuals who decided that wearing trousers wasn't necessary and got up to mischief without them.


Ryan Smallwood
Waffle House is the kind of restaurant where you can just be yourself. Unless, of course, "being yourself" means that you don't wear pants. Just ask a man with the unfortunate name of Ryan Smallwood, who wound up in a booth at the Rock Hill, N.C., Waffle House with his pants around his ankles, attempting to chat up fellow diners about his genitals. A police officer happened to be passing by when he looked in the window and spotted Smallwood up on the back of the booth flipping off another customer. The officer told him to pull his pants up, but eventually the waffle-loving deviant was brought in on a disorderly conduct charge. (Photo courtesy of: Rock Hill Police Department)



Lorie Ann Hill
They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and that goes double for the first day of work. So when Lorie Ann Hill sauntered into her new classroom at a Wagoner, Okla., public school to set up before students arrived, she maybe shouldn't have downed a few shots of vodka beforehand. School administrators found her in the wrong room, confused and with her pants off. The police were called to take her somewhere to sober up. The school district also told her that her services would not be needed in the future. (Photo courtesy of: Wagoner Oklahoma Police Department)



Stephen Gough
If you want to talk people who really despise pants, British man Stephen Gough might just top the list. The 54-year-old man has been a lifelong proponent of public nudity, and nearly half of his adult life has been spent in jail because he simply won't cover up his privates. His pants-free life began in 2001, when he discovered the pleasures of mountain hiking unclothed. Since then, he's been taken in by cops dozens of times. His marriage even fell apart when he joined his mother-in-law and father-in-law for breakfast completely nude, horrifying his wife. Despite the forces working against him, Gough says that he will never abandon his pantsless principles. (Photo courtesy of: Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images)



Unnamed Bremerton Man
Typically we like to have a name to go with our bizarre stories, but this one is so funny it had to make it through. In May of 2014, the Kitsap Sun reported on a traffic stop in Bremerton, Wash., that took a ridiculous twist. After police received multiple reports of a man exposing himself to other drivers on Highway 16, they found the culprit and pulled him over. Sure enough, he wasn't wearing pants, but he had quite an excuse. The half-nude man claimed to have just received a Brazilian body wax to strip all of the hair from his legs. This made his jeans irritate his body, so he took them (and his underwear) off for the drive home. Needless to say, cops didn't buy his excuse. (Photo courtesy of: Alex501 via Flickr CC)



Umar Khan
Driving can be very stressful, so we recommend that you get as comfortable as possible before you step behind the wheel. One exception: Keep your pants and underwear on. In 2012, Glendale cops pulled over a man named Umar Khan after he blew through a stop sign. After a short chase, they managed to stop his vehicle, but when the arresting officer went to his door he noticed that Khan was completely naked from the waist down. He claimed that it "gave him a sense of freedom," but after they ran his record cops discovered that Khan was a serial peeping Tom out looking for something to get excited by, and he also had some meth on him for good measure. (Photo courtesy of: RobArnieandDawn)



Jamie Craft
Alcohol is a hell of a drug. It can make you forget your name, it can make you forget your inhibitions, and it can sure as hell make you forget your pants. Jonesboro, Ark., woman Jamie Craft got tanked up in 2013 and got behind the wheel of her Pontiac Grand Am dressed in only a sweatshirt. She started the engine and then plowed right into the side of a trailer. With her car out of action, the pantsless maniac did the only thing she could think of and climbed into a child's battery-operated Power Wheels toy truck to make a getaway. Craft couldn't get the toy started and eventually fled to her mother's house on foot, where police picked her up still nude from the waist down. (Photo courtesy of: Craighead County Sheriff's Department)



Austin Anderson
When you're looking to commit some vandalism, you don't want pants to slow you down. So when 22-year-old Austin Anderson broke into a Piedmont, Okla., elementary school, the first thing he did was get naked from the waist down. Once his dingus was swinging free, he roamed the school pouring pickle relish and apple cider vinegar in front of every exit door, peed on the floor multiple times and made a perplexing stack of computers, possibly to steal. When officers arrived, he'd already left the building, leaving his clothes behind. (Photo courtesy of: Oklahoma City Police Department)



Joey Vandervort
Let's be honest with each other: The primary reason that dudes pull their pants down is for easy access to their genitals. That's what Portland, Ore., man Joey Vandervort was doing in October of 2014 when he got too excited watching a neighborhood woman. Somebody called the cops and when an officer arrived on the scene, Vandervort punched him and ran away. Or tried to run away -- unfortunately for our horny hero, his drawers were still around his ankles and tripped him up, sending him face-first into the pavement, where he was easy pickings for law enforcement. (Photo courtesy of: Multnomah County Sheriff's Office)



Vladimir Fomin
You know, you don't have to wear pants. There are plenty of other ways to cover your legs -- like skirts, for example. That's what motivated Russian mathematician Vladimir Fomin to embark on a pants-free lifestyle. The Kineshma native was actually expelled from the Ivanovo University of Mathematics when he resolutely refused to wear anything down below but a skirt. He's not a transvestite, though -- he simply thinks that skirts are more comfortable than pants. Sadly, Fomin's unique sense of fashion has led him to be the subject of insults and abuse by local hoodlums. (Photo courtesy of: Funny Russians)


William Anderson and Michael Stusak
Let's close this one out with a double-header, as it were. In August of 2014, police were called to a normally quiet street in Struthers, Ohio, to deal with a bizarre disturbance. Two men, William Anderson and Michael Stusak, were in the front yard with their pants around their ankles, yelling at each other. According to neighbors, Anderson was first to drop his drawers while yelling at a neighbor for letting her dog pee in his yard. Stusak joined the fray and pulled his pants down as well, presumably to be on equal footing. Both men were arrested and taken to jail. (Photo courtesy of: Strutters Police Department/WKBN)

 

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30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People

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The things we do for fame. In honor of Guinness World Record Day, which passed on Nov. 13, we thought it'd be wise to share the world's most extreme records, which are, coincidentally, set by people with no lives. And we mean that in a good way. For without boredom, there is no talent. And without talent, there is no record. Don't try these stunts at home.

1. Largest House of Cards (200,000 cards)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest House of Cards


2. Largest Mosaic Made by Jelly Beans (210,000 jelly beans)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Mosaic Made by Jelly Beans


3. Largest Tow Truck Parade (292 trucks)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Tow Truck Parade


4. Longest Sandwich (2,368 feet)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Sandwich


5. Largest Barbie Collection (15,000 dolls)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Barbie Collection


6. Largest Collection of Hello Kitty Memorabilia (4,519 items)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Collection of Hello Kitty Memorabilia


7. Largest Drum Set (340 pieces)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Drum Set


8. Tallest Lego Tower (114 feet)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Tallest Lego Tower


9. Biggest Rubber Band Ball (9,032 pounds)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Biggest Rubber Band Ball


10. Longest Milk Shoot Out of Eye (9 feet, 2 inches)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Milk Shoot Out of Eye


11. Most Bees Covering Body (331,000 bees)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Bees Covering Body


12. Largest Hot Dog (125.5 pounds)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Hot Dog


13. Longest Handshake (42 hours, 35 minutes)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Handshake


14. Most Toilet Seats Broken By Head in One Minute (46)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Toilet Seats Broken By Head in One Minute


15. Most Straws Stuffed in Mouth (400)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Straws Stuffed in Mouth


16. Largest Collection of Naval Fluff (22.1 grams over 26 years)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Collection of Naval Fluff


17. Longest Time Spent Instant Messaging (96 hours)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Time Spent Instant Messaging


18. Biggest Collection of 'Do Not Disturb' Hotel Signs (10,000)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Biggest Collection of 'Do Not Disturb' Hotel Signs


19. Longest Ear Hair (7.12 inches)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Ear Hair


20. Most People on a Surfboard (47)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most People on a Surfboard


21. Fastest Toilet (55 mph)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Fastest Toilet


22. Most Clothespins on Face (160)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Clothespins on Face


23. Longest Jump by Cat (6 feet)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Jump by Cat


24. Most Married Person (23 times)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Married Person


25. Most Numbers Written Out Into a Book (one million over 16 years)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Numbers Written Out into a Book


26. Longest Diary (37.5 million words over 20 years)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Longest Diary


27. Most Cockroaches Eaten in One Minute (24)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Cockroaches Eaten in One Minute


28. Most Feet Sniffed (5,600 feet over 15 years)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Most Feet Sniffed


29. Hardest Kick to the Groin (22 mph, 1,100 pounds of force)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Hardest Kick to the Groin


30. Largest Comic Book Collection (94,268 books)
30 Extreme World Records Set by Extremely Bored People, World's Largest Comic Book Collection

 

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This Kid is a Master of Trick Photography

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Like in "Toy Story," there comes a time when everyone reaches the age where they know it's not right to play with toys anymore (even if we still want to). What then? With the help of basic trick photography, this kid and his friend decided to make their toys life-size and have a little fun. And because they are teenagers, obviously some of their humor was sex-based. Good work.

Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, toy car
Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, giant pencil
Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, toy
Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, tiger
Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, army man
Kids Have Fun With Toys and Trick Photography, barbie
h/t TumblHer

 

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Something Strange Must Have Happened for These Signs to Exist

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We're used to the typical "Not Allowed" signs in ordinary life: no rollerblading, "no shirt, no shoes, no service," no dogs allowed, etc. They're usually obvious, but it makes you realize that the signs wouldn't exist unless some bozo went into a nice restaurant barefoot, or that a dog pooped on a children's playground. The signs are the very definition of cause and effect. So it makes us wonder: What had to happen for someone to to erect these signs? The world is a strange place.

signs that are weird, no ninjas sign
weird specific signs, no elephants on trucks sign
weird specific signs, heart shaped not allowed sign
weird specific signs, no crocs sign
weird specific signs, no humping cows sign
weird specific signs, no dogs in bicycles sign
weird specific signs, no laser beams sign
weird specific signs, no headless horse riding sign
weird specific signs, please no ducks sign
weird specific signs, oreos not allowed
weird specific signs, no party dogs allowed
weird specific signs, no surfing
h/t College Humor

 

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Our Favorite Fake Holidays

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There are plenty of fake holidays shoved down our throats by card companies (here's looking at YOU, "Mother's Day") and television alike (though we do count down the days to the annual "Airing of Grievances" each Festivus), but there are a few faux celebrations we actually wish were for real. Here's our faves. Happy Scotchtoberfest!
Super Bowl Monday -- February 1, 2015
TK
You know what's positively un-American? The fact that the day after our entire nation bonds over a love of sports, consumerism, seven-layer dip and general overconsumption (mostly of television and said dip), we're expected to be bright-eyed and productive at the office. The hell? Where is the "Black Friday" of Super Bowl Sunday?
Free Day -- March 8
TK
You're never too old for Mr. Krabs (from "SpongeBob SquarePants," not from OneNight StandPants), who declared March 8 "Free Day," a day when all products are free -- and the only day of the year we like to go shopping.
Summer Fridays -- Memorial Day to Labor Day
TK
In the concrete jungle where dreams are made of there's nothin' you can't do every other Friday during summer. That is, of course, if you work in certain industries like media or advertising or in any office that features a ping pong table. And the trend has caught on ... but not everywhere. So you will most likely be chained to your desk, as per usual, at least five hours after your Instagram feed's full of friends at the beach, BBQing out back or at home having avoided typical traffic.

The Feast of Winter Veil -- December 16 to January 2
TK
Similar to Christmas, but way more fun for myriad reasons. This in-game "World of Warcraft" holiday celebrates the best of the real winter holidays (with snowball fights and overeating), but encourages the kissing of elf babies and the receiving of gifts like magical battle axes that shoot lighting (be extra careful, Ralphie).
Refrigerator Day -- Unknown
TK
Back in the way way back, dinosaurs roamed the earth in search of food. This was arduous, no doubt. So when the refrigerator was invented on the early '90s television show "Dinosaurs," the puppets of Pangea rejoiced. And we like the idea of gathering around the all-important appliance, worshipping at its magical light and illuminated contents, and believe it deserves a day of respect.

 

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