Today's Funny Photos
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Make Your Crappy Tip Look Generous in 4 Simple Steps
Let's say you and your buddy just enjoyed a hungover breakfast at Denny's. Everything was fantastic, and your bill is $19.88. The problem is, you only have $21 total. Getting up and leaving with that extra one-dollar bill on the table for a tip is a bad look, and everyone who sees it will think you're a dick. Well, here's your way to avoid the embarrassment. In four easy steps, you can exit the restaurant looking like the generous tipper you aspire to be. And now, only your poor server will think you're a dick.
![leaving a tip trick, make your crappy tip look generous, money hacks]()
![leaving a tip trick, make your crappy tip look generous, money hacks]()
![leaving a tip trick, make your crappy tip look generous, money hacks]()
![leaving a tip trick, make your crappy tip look generous, money hacks]()
via Izismile
via Izismile
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10 Brutal, Traumatizing Deaths in Animated Films
Life is hard enough as it is without our animated breaks from reality being riddled with death, too. Though many of these deaths were necessary for the hero's journey, we can't help but think it's hard to be a parent in an animated film, as you are most likely headed for a brutally tragic demise. Here are ten cartoon characters who died in movies, leaving us sad, terrified, traumatized or all of the above.
Ellie in "Up" (2009)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, ellie up death]()
It's one of the saddest animated montages in film history, and they used it at the very beginning of the movie. The love and life of the happy couple, Fred and Ellie, opens the adventurous "Up" only to make us bust out the tissues five minutes after the previews stopped rolling.
Coral in "Finding Nemo" (2003)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, coral finding nemo]()
The loss of little Nemo's mother was a quick one, but no one--animated or otherwise--wants to tussle with a shark. Was it all Nemo's fault? Well, yeah mostly. But the loss of Coral of course inspired growth in the mighty little fish, who in the end would not have found his way without a bit of tragedy.
Littlefoot's Mother in "The Land Before Time" (1988)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, littlefoot mother death]()
After escaping the great T-Rex, Sharptooth, with the help of his mother, Littlefoot and the other dinosaurs are faced with the great earthquakes, which split them apart. They don't show the fatal attack of his mother, but they show him wandering around looking for her. The death scene in the rain is gut-busting and a bit similar to the fatherly farewell in "The Lion King" (stay tuned).
Bambi's Mother in "Bambi" (1942)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, bambi mother death]()
Easily one of the most heinous murders in animated history is little Bambi's mother getting gunned down by a hunter. The two are on the run, then all you hear is the gunshot while they show Bambi running through the forest. Bambi thinks he and his mother have made it to safety, but then realizes she is not there. He wanders around for a bit calling for her, but ultimately finds his father who tells him that his mother can no longer be with him. Devastating.
Ursula in "The Little Mermaid" (1989)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, ursula death]()
Although it was the death of a villain--and we hate villains, right?--the spearing of a giant Ursula with the bow of a ship was pretty intense. After winning Triton's trident, she grows to a grotesque size, but just before she's about to squash Ariel, badass Eric rolls in with his boat and saves the day.
Charlotte in "Charlotte's Web" (1973)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, charlotte's web death]()
Most of us scream when we see a spider, just before we try to kill it or call someone to kill it for us, but in the case of Charlotte, this little spider made us weep for the arachnid species. Set in classic animation, we see Wilbur the pig have a heart-to-heart talk with Charlotte before the little eight-legged creature shucks off this barnyard. We'll never kill another spider again.
Mufasa in "The Lion King" (1994)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, mufasa death]()
Quite possibly the saddest death in movie history is the stampede death of Mufasa in front of baby Simba (yes, even sadder than Will Smith snapping the neck of that poor dog in "I Am Legend"). Set up by Scar and the hyenas, a stampede of beasts starts a spiral of events: Simba's father coming to the rescue, making it out alive, getting murdered. I'm crying just writing this. Tissue, please.
Frollo in "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" (1996)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, frollo death]()
Not the saddest death by a close shot, but this animated death is fairly brutal for any child to witness. A nerve-racking fight scene on a fiery ledge ends in the villainous Frollo taking advantage of our repugnant hunchback, only to meet his karmic, fiery death.
Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast" (1991)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, gaston death]()
The death of the pompous meathead, Gaston, in the Disney classic is a perfect illustration of what we'd like to see happen to all meatheads. After fighting Beast on (yet another) ledge, he see Gaston cowardly fold before sticking a knife in Beast's back, which ends with him plummeting to his pompous, meathead death. Who will place Gaston in their live action film? Probably Vin Diesel in a wig.
Optimus Prime in "The Transformers: The Movie" (1986)
![cartoon deaths, sad deaths in animated films, optimus prime]()
The cartoon series movie features a showdown between Optimus Prime and Megatron, a classic robotic battle for the ages. In the final fight scene, Optimus takes down Megatron but shows mercy to his surrender, which leads to Megatron pulling a fast one on him and putting him down. Both Transformers go down in the end and will forever be remembered.
Ellie in "Up" (2009)
It's one of the saddest animated montages in film history, and they used it at the very beginning of the movie. The love and life of the happy couple, Fred and Ellie, opens the adventurous "Up" only to make us bust out the tissues five minutes after the previews stopped rolling.
Coral in "Finding Nemo" (2003)
The loss of little Nemo's mother was a quick one, but no one--animated or otherwise--wants to tussle with a shark. Was it all Nemo's fault? Well, yeah mostly. But the loss of Coral of course inspired growth in the mighty little fish, who in the end would not have found his way without a bit of tragedy.
Littlefoot's Mother in "The Land Before Time" (1988)
After escaping the great T-Rex, Sharptooth, with the help of his mother, Littlefoot and the other dinosaurs are faced with the great earthquakes, which split them apart. They don't show the fatal attack of his mother, but they show him wandering around looking for her. The death scene in the rain is gut-busting and a bit similar to the fatherly farewell in "The Lion King" (stay tuned).
Bambi's Mother in "Bambi" (1942)
Easily one of the most heinous murders in animated history is little Bambi's mother getting gunned down by a hunter. The two are on the run, then all you hear is the gunshot while they show Bambi running through the forest. Bambi thinks he and his mother have made it to safety, but then realizes she is not there. He wanders around for a bit calling for her, but ultimately finds his father who tells him that his mother can no longer be with him. Devastating.
Ursula in "The Little Mermaid" (1989)
Although it was the death of a villain--and we hate villains, right?--the spearing of a giant Ursula with the bow of a ship was pretty intense. After winning Triton's trident, she grows to a grotesque size, but just before she's about to squash Ariel, badass Eric rolls in with his boat and saves the day.
Charlotte in "Charlotte's Web" (1973)
Most of us scream when we see a spider, just before we try to kill it or call someone to kill it for us, but in the case of Charlotte, this little spider made us weep for the arachnid species. Set in classic animation, we see Wilbur the pig have a heart-to-heart talk with Charlotte before the little eight-legged creature shucks off this barnyard. We'll never kill another spider again.
Mufasa in "The Lion King" (1994)
Quite possibly the saddest death in movie history is the stampede death of Mufasa in front of baby Simba (yes, even sadder than Will Smith snapping the neck of that poor dog in "I Am Legend"). Set up by Scar and the hyenas, a stampede of beasts starts a spiral of events: Simba's father coming to the rescue, making it out alive, getting murdered. I'm crying just writing this. Tissue, please.
Frollo in "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" (1996)
Not the saddest death by a close shot, but this animated death is fairly brutal for any child to witness. A nerve-racking fight scene on a fiery ledge ends in the villainous Frollo taking advantage of our repugnant hunchback, only to meet his karmic, fiery death.
Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast" (1991)
The death of the pompous meathead, Gaston, in the Disney classic is a perfect illustration of what we'd like to see happen to all meatheads. After fighting Beast on (yet another) ledge, he see Gaston cowardly fold before sticking a knife in Beast's back, which ends with him plummeting to his pompous, meathead death. Who will place Gaston in their live action film? Probably Vin Diesel in a wig.
Optimus Prime in "The Transformers: The Movie" (1986)
The cartoon series movie features a showdown between Optimus Prime and Megatron, a classic robotic battle for the ages. In the final fight scene, Optimus takes down Megatron but shows mercy to his surrender, which leads to Megatron pulling a fast one on him and putting him down. Both Transformers go down in the end and will forever be remembered.
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Our Favorite Drunk Celebrity Photos
You've had one too many alcoholic beverages. You can't quite get your bearings. You look some combination of confused, exhausted and sweaty. We've all been there before. It's just way funnier when the person with messed up hair who can barely stand up straight is incredibly rich and famous. Without further ado, here are our favorite drunk celebrity photos.
Cameron Diaz
![drunk celebrities cameron diaz]()
Elizabeth Hurley
![drunk celebrities]()
Brad Pitt
![drunk celebrities]()
Rihanna
![drunk celebrities]()
Kiefer Sutherland
![drunk celebrities]()
Heather Locklear
![drunk celebrities]()
Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez
![drunk celebrities]()
Tara Reid
![drunk celebrities]()
Paris Hilton
![drunk celebrities]()
Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Develingne
![drunk celebrities]()
Britney Spears
![drunk celebrities]()
Christina Aguilera
![drunk celebrities]()
David Hasselhoff
![drunk celebrities]()
Halle Berry
![drunk celebrities]()
Kevin Spacey
![drunk celebrities]()
Matthew McConaughey
![drunk celebrities]()
Mel Gibson
![drunk celebrities]()
Christina Ricci
![drunk celebrities]()
Emma Watson
![drunk celebrities]()
Jessica Simpson
![drunk celebrities]()
Mischa Barton
![drunk celebrities]()
Pamela Anderson
![drunk celebrities]()
Shia LaBeouf
![drunk celebrities]()
Tori Spelling
![drunk celebrities]()
Celebs...they're just like us!
Cameron Diaz
Elizabeth Hurley
Brad Pitt
Rihanna
Kiefer Sutherland
Heather Locklear
Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez
Tara Reid
Paris Hilton
Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Develingne
Britney Spears
Christina Aguilera
David Hasselhoff
Halle Berry
Kevin Spacey
Matthew McConaughey
Mel Gibson
Christina Ricci
Emma Watson
Jessica Simpson
Mischa Barton
Pamela Anderson
Shia LaBeouf
Tori Spelling
Celebs...they're just like us!
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26 Signs Everyone on Instagram Hates You
It's amazing how much you can dislike someone you've never met, based solely on the things they post and write on social media. Instagram - aka LOOK AT ME - may be the worst because it seems as though so many people lack the least hint of self-awareness. If you're wondering if you're part of the problem, here's a helpful guide to determine if everyone on Instagram hates you.
![worst instagram people]()
1. Unless you're the founder and CEO or Starbucks, there's no need for you to post a daily picture of a Starbucks cup. We get it. You drink coffee from the most popular coffee chain in the world. How exciting!
2. You post a dozen pictures in a row of the exact same event. No one knows your cousin Brenda and we definitely don't need to see every blurry, candid picture of her hanging out with all your weird aunts.
3. You're wearing makeup, an evening gown, had a professional stylist do your hair along with a full lighting team and the caption says "No makeup." Sure thing.
4. There's also the attractive picture with a caption that says something like, "I look so terrible. I'll be deleting this shortly." What you really mean is "PLEASE COMPLIMENT ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S ALL I LIVE FOR!"
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5. Cool tree branch with a dramatic filter on it. Are you a full time photographer now or just sharing your idiotic attempts at being artistic for free?
6. If your hashtag is a complete sentence that takes 15 minutes to try and interpret, you should have to serve 30 days at Guantanamo Bay.
7. You post pictures of every single stupid piece of food that comes into your life. We've all seen a hot dog, so you can save yourself the embarrassment of doing a Dairy Queen photo shoot.
8. Do you ever comment things like "stunning" or "wow" on pictures of girls you don't know? Congratulations on being the creepiest dudes on the planet!
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9. If there are more than two hashtags on your photo, you should have to pay extra taxes for the next five years.
10. You post screenshots of whatever song you're listening to at the moment captioned with an inspirational quote to create the most useless piece of the internet that's ever existed.
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11. Stop posting memes. If Willy Wonka is resting his head on his fist in your timeline, stop what you're doing and go delete it now. It's for your own good.
12. The screenshot of a text conversation between you and one of your friends telling inside jokes to each other is the worst. Usually it has a caption like, "This is why we're best friends forever LOL." Thanks for this riveting glimpse into a conversation we don't understand at all.
13. If you really want to double down on terrible text screenshots, you can post one of your significant other texting you something boringly sweet and make the caption a bunch of those smiley face emojis with hearts instead of eyes.
14. Have you ever commented on a celebrity's photo asking them to follow you? How'd that work out?
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15. Without a hint of irony, you've written a message in the sand at the beach and taken a photo of it. Usually it's something like "hope" or "love endures" and it totally changes our lives.
16. You can't go to the gym without posting 736 pictures of it, along with excruciating details of what you did while you were there. Great news, gang! It's leg day!
17. You document every boring thing you do throughout the day. We don't need a snapshot of Lowes because you went to buy a paintbrush.
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18. We've all seen coffee foam shaped as a heart. We're all set. With just a little adjusting it could be the Wu-Tang logo and really give you something to brag about.
19. We've learned to accept selfies, but if you're doing that stupid smile where it looks like your sort of happy and sort of had a stroke, we want to throw something heavy at your face.
20. Any post where the obvious purpose is to say LOOK HOW MUCH MONEY I SPENT ON THIS! Let me throw my panties at you because you brag about going into debt. So hot!
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21. You post other people's pictures and claim them as your own, then make money off of it, and have the username TheFatJewish.
22. We already saw your dumb tweet on Twitter. You don't need to take a screenshot and shove it in our faces all over again. How many times do I have to like your Joe Biden zinger, pal?
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23. Remember earlier when I said we had accepted selfies? One or two are tolerable, but if your Instagram looks like a calendar that features a slightly different angle of your sweaty face every day, you may be the actual devil.
24. Your dog, cat, baby, iguana, or pony is adorable, but we don't need the play by play update on every boring thing they do every day. Unless your kid just starts quoting Borat, we should be all set on 15 second videos of her for the day.
25. If you post a video where absolutely nothing happens and I watch it twice just to make sure I didn't miss something notable, you should have to wear a scarlet I so everyone knows you're awful on Instagram.
![]()
26. Logos for whatever team is close to winning the championship, even though you've never even hinted at being a fan of that team before. It's amazing how you just happen to be the biggest fan of the team that wins the Super Bowl the day after the Super Bowl every year. Huh?
1. Unless you're the founder and CEO or Starbucks, there's no need for you to post a daily picture of a Starbucks cup. We get it. You drink coffee from the most popular coffee chain in the world. How exciting!
2. You post a dozen pictures in a row of the exact same event. No one knows your cousin Brenda and we definitely don't need to see every blurry, candid picture of her hanging out with all your weird aunts.
3. You're wearing makeup, an evening gown, had a professional stylist do your hair along with a full lighting team and the caption says "No makeup." Sure thing.
4. There's also the attractive picture with a caption that says something like, "I look so terrible. I'll be deleting this shortly." What you really mean is "PLEASE COMPLIMENT ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S ALL I LIVE FOR!"
5. Cool tree branch with a dramatic filter on it. Are you a full time photographer now or just sharing your idiotic attempts at being artistic for free?
6. If your hashtag is a complete sentence that takes 15 minutes to try and interpret, you should have to serve 30 days at Guantanamo Bay.
7. You post pictures of every single stupid piece of food that comes into your life. We've all seen a hot dog, so you can save yourself the embarrassment of doing a Dairy Queen photo shoot.
8. Do you ever comment things like "stunning" or "wow" on pictures of girls you don't know? Congratulations on being the creepiest dudes on the planet!
9. If there are more than two hashtags on your photo, you should have to pay extra taxes for the next five years.
10. You post screenshots of whatever song you're listening to at the moment captioned with an inspirational quote to create the most useless piece of the internet that's ever existed.
11. Stop posting memes. If Willy Wonka is resting his head on his fist in your timeline, stop what you're doing and go delete it now. It's for your own good.
12. The screenshot of a text conversation between you and one of your friends telling inside jokes to each other is the worst. Usually it has a caption like, "This is why we're best friends forever LOL." Thanks for this riveting glimpse into a conversation we don't understand at all.
13. If you really want to double down on terrible text screenshots, you can post one of your significant other texting you something boringly sweet and make the caption a bunch of those smiley face emojis with hearts instead of eyes.
14. Have you ever commented on a celebrity's photo asking them to follow you? How'd that work out?
15. Without a hint of irony, you've written a message in the sand at the beach and taken a photo of it. Usually it's something like "hope" or "love endures" and it totally changes our lives.
16. You can't go to the gym without posting 736 pictures of it, along with excruciating details of what you did while you were there. Great news, gang! It's leg day!
17. You document every boring thing you do throughout the day. We don't need a snapshot of Lowes because you went to buy a paintbrush.
18. We've all seen coffee foam shaped as a heart. We're all set. With just a little adjusting it could be the Wu-Tang logo and really give you something to brag about.
19. We've learned to accept selfies, but if you're doing that stupid smile where it looks like your sort of happy and sort of had a stroke, we want to throw something heavy at your face.
20. Any post where the obvious purpose is to say LOOK HOW MUCH MONEY I SPENT ON THIS! Let me throw my panties at you because you brag about going into debt. So hot!
21. You post other people's pictures and claim them as your own, then make money off of it, and have the username TheFatJewish.
22. We already saw your dumb tweet on Twitter. You don't need to take a screenshot and shove it in our faces all over again. How many times do I have to like your Joe Biden zinger, pal?
23. Remember earlier when I said we had accepted selfies? One or two are tolerable, but if your Instagram looks like a calendar that features a slightly different angle of your sweaty face every day, you may be the actual devil.
24. Your dog, cat, baby, iguana, or pony is adorable, but we don't need the play by play update on every boring thing they do every day. Unless your kid just starts quoting Borat, we should be all set on 15 second videos of her for the day.
25. If you post a video where absolutely nothing happens and I watch it twice just to make sure I didn't miss something notable, you should have to wear a scarlet I so everyone knows you're awful on Instagram.
26. Logos for whatever team is close to winning the championship, even though you've never even hinted at being a fan of that team before. It's amazing how you just happen to be the biggest fan of the team that wins the Super Bowl the day after the Super Bowl every year. Huh?
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Experts Say Millions of Dollars in Gold is Hiding in Our Feces
I guess the only problem is finding a store that will accept your shit as currency.
According to Yahoo! News, a recent study conducted by the US Geological Survey revealed that our poop contains hundreds of millions of dollars worth of precious metals, including gold and silver.
![experts say gold in our poop is worth millions]()
Another group of experts specializing in the study of human waste went as far as saying that the feces from one million Americans could contain as much as $13 million worth of goodies.
More than seven million tons of biosolids are produced at U.S. wastewater facilities every year, and experts think if they can find a way to remove the precious metals from them, it could potentially save the planet in both an environmental and economical sense.
"If you can get rid of some of the nuisance metals that currently limit how much of these biosolids we use on fields and forests, and at the same time recover valuable metals and other elements, that's a win-win," U.S. Geological Survey team member Kathleen Smith said.
In the meantime, it's probably still a good idea to tell your kids not to dig through their poop.
These foods should help you produce even more gold: Foods That Make You Poop
According to Yahoo! News, a recent study conducted by the US Geological Survey revealed that our poop contains hundreds of millions of dollars worth of precious metals, including gold and silver.
Another group of experts specializing in the study of human waste went as far as saying that the feces from one million Americans could contain as much as $13 million worth of goodies.
More than seven million tons of biosolids are produced at U.S. wastewater facilities every year, and experts think if they can find a way to remove the precious metals from them, it could potentially save the planet in both an environmental and economical sense.
"If you can get rid of some of the nuisance metals that currently limit how much of these biosolids we use on fields and forests, and at the same time recover valuable metals and other elements, that's a win-win," U.S. Geological Survey team member Kathleen Smith said.
In the meantime, it's probably still a good idea to tell your kids not to dig through their poop.
These foods should help you produce even more gold: Foods That Make You Poop
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If You Like Any of These TV Shows, You Are a Total Asshole
Many people believe that we are currently living in the second golden age of television. With a steady supply of critically acclaimed hit shows from the major networks along with AMC, HBO and now Netflix, it is hard to argue with that. However, that doesn't mean there isn't a bunch of shit TV out there to watch. There is plenty of it, and the ten shows below are especially shitty. The problem is, some people actually like these shows. You probably aren't one of them, but if you are, let me be the first to tell you: You are a total asshole.
The Big Bang Theory
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: This CBS shitfest is on the TV a lot at my gym, and I promise you I have tried watching it to understand how it is TV's highest rated comedy. It's not possible. And honestly, I don't know a soul who watches this show and is proud of it. You never hear anyone talking about "that awesome 'Big Bang Theory' episode." Ever. Vulture tried explaining it a few months ago, but when they described it as "an old-fashioned multi-camera comedy about four nerdy men and three women who tolerate them" and praised the acting of Johnny Galecki, it did nothing to alleviate my confusion. My theory is that this show--despite being about smart dorks--appeals to the lowest common denominator of people who love jokes in the basic setup/punchline format, go wild for catchphrases, and are horny for Kaley Cuoco and feel inspired that she is dating a schlub like Galecki. Are these people assholes? Bazinga!
Two and a Half Men
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: See above. Mix in the unfunny, shitty acting of Charlie Sheen and the unbearable pretentiousness of Chuck Lorre, and this is what you get. Half-man Angus T. Jones made the right decision to leave the show; he just should have done it ten years sooner.
The Walking Dead
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: People who tune in for this show regularly should know that the best part is not the actual episode you just watched, but what the Internet will do to make fun of it afterward. If you are one of these viewers, you're all right in my book. However, if you actually watch "The Walking Dead" week after pointless week and think it's quality television, you are a fucking moron. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that your IQ is equivalent to the show's namesake. What started out as a pretty cool idea based on a comic series has turned into an often boring, ridiculous apocalyptic zombie soap opera with no end in sight. The weekly gory Walker-killings have become a tired gimmick, and even if you are to suspend disbelief about certain aspects of the show and tolerate the repetitive storylines, you're still left feeling like you've just been dicked around for another hour. And at that point, there is only one thing left to say:
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Entourage
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: I have never been more embarrassed to watch a show all the way to its finale than I was to watch this trash. Looking back on it, I should have kicked my own ass for continuing past the first episode. This douchey Hollywood bromance series was sometimes referred to as "'Sex and the City' for men," but that's actually giving it too much credit. Vinny Chase was supposed to be the man, but I'm not sure if a lead character of a show has ever been more vapid and insecure. The rest of the entourage was equally pathetic and one-dimensional, to the point where they made Jeremy Piven look like Marlon Brando. I can't believe they are making a fucking movie of this shit.
Saved by the Bell
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: Let me be perfectly clear about this: '90s nostalgia does not make it acceptable to actually like "Saved by the Bell." I was in grade school when this lighthearted teen comedy came out, and even then I knew that it was complete dog shit. The cheesiness was insufferable, and that has not changed because more than 20 years have passed and Jimmy Fallon got most of the main actors back together for an "epic" reunion. It was a horrible show back then, and it always will be. If you disagree, I hope you run into Dustin Diamond at a bar sometime.
The Tonight Show
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: Speaking of Jimmy Fallon, the king of exploiting nostalgia may have the most punchable face in all of television. Since taking over "The Tonight Show," it has become a vehicle for him to perform skits and sing songs with all of his Hollywood BFFs. And that's pretty much it. I'm not saying that some of it doesn't hit, but every goddamn day I see a trending story about Fallon doing something wacky with a celebrity, and I just can't take it anymore. You're all assholes for making this happen. Oh, and if you liked "The Tonight Show" when Jay Leno was hosting, you are a really big asshole (Team Coco 4 lyfe).
Sons of Anarchy
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: For approximately 2.5 seasons, this was a good show. Then, it slowly started to lose its way, and because it was being controlled by a depraved, egotistical maniac who was writing it on the fly (creator Kurt Sutter), it was never able to recover. By the end of its run--which was an ungodly seven seasons loaded with unnecessarily extended episodes--I wanted every character to die a terrible death. Hate-watching this show every week was about as healthy for me as it was for Abel Teller to grow up with a murderous monster of a father in a racist/sexist biker gang. The only thing more offensive than SOA's gratuitous graphic violence and overuse of the terms "Jesus Christ" and "brother" was the acting of Charlie Hunnam, who hid his English accent about as well as Sutter hid his infatuation with rock stars (who frequently made embarrassing cameos).
American Horror Story
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: Aside from the fact that this show started the somewhat annoying trend of TV shows being labeled as a miniseries (e.g., "True Detective," "Fargo"), is the fact that it has gone way downhill since Season 1. The second season "Asylum" tried to up the ante of "horror" by including overly bizarre storylines that went nowhere and sprinkling in some Ryan Murphy musical bullshit from "Glee." Also, the shtick of using the same actors to play different characters each new season doesn't work if you have them speak in accents they can't pull off. Just because Jessica Lange is a great actress doesn't mean she can do three different accents, idiots! And Michael Chiklis is a joke unless he is playing Vic Mackey on "The Shield."
House
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: Was this fucking show called "House" or "House M.D.?" Was the main character named House, too? It's all very stupid because it takes place mostly in a hospital, not a house, and was probably the least accurate medical show in television history. I watched an episode once where one of the dumbass doctors (the younger white guy, I think) thought he might have contracted HIV because he saw a sore on his lip. Anyway, this show premiered a couple years after "American Idol" and on the same network, and I imagine the creators were like, "You know who's hot right now? That Simon Cowell. And medical shows are hot, too. What if we combine them in a show about a smug, condescending, genius doctor? Gold!" What followed was a formulaic, completely predictable show that I forgot was still on the air for its final five seasons (thank Christ).
M*A*S*H
![worst tv shows, if you like these tv shows you are an asshole]()
Why it sucks: When I was growing up and only had a few channels to watch, "M*A*S*H" reruns came on way too often. Whenever they did, I would feel an uneasy sadness come over me due to that awful opening theme song. This would make more sense later in life when I found out the official name of that song is "Suicide is Painless." Anyway, if I made it past the opening theme without having to take a depression nap, I would spend a few minutes watching the episode trying to figure out if what I was watching was supposed to be funny or not. I never did. Even as an 8-year-old kid I found myself thinking, "What the fuck is this shit?" It still baffles me that this was such a beloved television series. My fellow editor Paul Ulane tried to convince me that I am just too young to understand, but anytime you hear something like that, you know you are talking to the truest of assholes.
More assholery: If You Like Any of These Movies, You Are a Total Asshole
The Big Bang Theory
Why it sucks: This CBS shitfest is on the TV a lot at my gym, and I promise you I have tried watching it to understand how it is TV's highest rated comedy. It's not possible. And honestly, I don't know a soul who watches this show and is proud of it. You never hear anyone talking about "that awesome 'Big Bang Theory' episode." Ever. Vulture tried explaining it a few months ago, but when they described it as "an old-fashioned multi-camera comedy about four nerdy men and three women who tolerate them" and praised the acting of Johnny Galecki, it did nothing to alleviate my confusion. My theory is that this show--despite being about smart dorks--appeals to the lowest common denominator of people who love jokes in the basic setup/punchline format, go wild for catchphrases, and are horny for Kaley Cuoco and feel inspired that she is dating a schlub like Galecki. Are these people assholes? Bazinga!
Two and a Half Men
Why it sucks: See above. Mix in the unfunny, shitty acting of Charlie Sheen and the unbearable pretentiousness of Chuck Lorre, and this is what you get. Half-man Angus T. Jones made the right decision to leave the show; he just should have done it ten years sooner.
The Walking Dead
Why it sucks: People who tune in for this show regularly should know that the best part is not the actual episode you just watched, but what the Internet will do to make fun of it afterward. If you are one of these viewers, you're all right in my book. However, if you actually watch "The Walking Dead" week after pointless week and think it's quality television, you are a fucking moron. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that your IQ is equivalent to the show's namesake. What started out as a pretty cool idea based on a comic series has turned into an often boring, ridiculous apocalyptic zombie soap opera with no end in sight. The weekly gory Walker-killings have become a tired gimmick, and even if you are to suspend disbelief about certain aspects of the show and tolerate the repetitive storylines, you're still left feeling like you've just been dicked around for another hour. And at that point, there is only one thing left to say:
Entourage
Why it sucks: I have never been more embarrassed to watch a show all the way to its finale than I was to watch this trash. Looking back on it, I should have kicked my own ass for continuing past the first episode. This douchey Hollywood bromance series was sometimes referred to as "'Sex and the City' for men," but that's actually giving it too much credit. Vinny Chase was supposed to be the man, but I'm not sure if a lead character of a show has ever been more vapid and insecure. The rest of the entourage was equally pathetic and one-dimensional, to the point where they made Jeremy Piven look like Marlon Brando. I can't believe they are making a fucking movie of this shit.
Saved by the Bell
Why it sucks: Let me be perfectly clear about this: '90s nostalgia does not make it acceptable to actually like "Saved by the Bell." I was in grade school when this lighthearted teen comedy came out, and even then I knew that it was complete dog shit. The cheesiness was insufferable, and that has not changed because more than 20 years have passed and Jimmy Fallon got most of the main actors back together for an "epic" reunion. It was a horrible show back then, and it always will be. If you disagree, I hope you run into Dustin Diamond at a bar sometime.
The Tonight Show
Why it sucks: Speaking of Jimmy Fallon, the king of exploiting nostalgia may have the most punchable face in all of television. Since taking over "The Tonight Show," it has become a vehicle for him to perform skits and sing songs with all of his Hollywood BFFs. And that's pretty much it. I'm not saying that some of it doesn't hit, but every goddamn day I see a trending story about Fallon doing something wacky with a celebrity, and I just can't take it anymore. You're all assholes for making this happen. Oh, and if you liked "The Tonight Show" when Jay Leno was hosting, you are a really big asshole (Team Coco 4 lyfe).
Sons of Anarchy
Why it sucks: For approximately 2.5 seasons, this was a good show. Then, it slowly started to lose its way, and because it was being controlled by a depraved, egotistical maniac who was writing it on the fly (creator Kurt Sutter), it was never able to recover. By the end of its run--which was an ungodly seven seasons loaded with unnecessarily extended episodes--I wanted every character to die a terrible death. Hate-watching this show every week was about as healthy for me as it was for Abel Teller to grow up with a murderous monster of a father in a racist/sexist biker gang. The only thing more offensive than SOA's gratuitous graphic violence and overuse of the terms "Jesus Christ" and "brother" was the acting of Charlie Hunnam, who hid his English accent about as well as Sutter hid his infatuation with rock stars (who frequently made embarrassing cameos).
American Horror Story
Why it sucks: Aside from the fact that this show started the somewhat annoying trend of TV shows being labeled as a miniseries (e.g., "True Detective," "Fargo"), is the fact that it has gone way downhill since Season 1. The second season "Asylum" tried to up the ante of "horror" by including overly bizarre storylines that went nowhere and sprinkling in some Ryan Murphy musical bullshit from "Glee." Also, the shtick of using the same actors to play different characters each new season doesn't work if you have them speak in accents they can't pull off. Just because Jessica Lange is a great actress doesn't mean she can do three different accents, idiots! And Michael Chiklis is a joke unless he is playing Vic Mackey on "The Shield."
House
Why it sucks: Was this fucking show called "House" or "House M.D.?" Was the main character named House, too? It's all very stupid because it takes place mostly in a hospital, not a house, and was probably the least accurate medical show in television history. I watched an episode once where one of the dumbass doctors (the younger white guy, I think) thought he might have contracted HIV because he saw a sore on his lip. Anyway, this show premiered a couple years after "American Idol" and on the same network, and I imagine the creators were like, "You know who's hot right now? That Simon Cowell. And medical shows are hot, too. What if we combine them in a show about a smug, condescending, genius doctor? Gold!" What followed was a formulaic, completely predictable show that I forgot was still on the air for its final five seasons (thank Christ).
M*A*S*H
Why it sucks: When I was growing up and only had a few channels to watch, "M*A*S*H" reruns came on way too often. Whenever they did, I would feel an uneasy sadness come over me due to that awful opening theme song. This would make more sense later in life when I found out the official name of that song is "Suicide is Painless." Anyway, if I made it past the opening theme without having to take a depression nap, I would spend a few minutes watching the episode trying to figure out if what I was watching was supposed to be funny or not. I never did. Even as an 8-year-old kid I found myself thinking, "What the fuck is this shit?" It still baffles me that this was such a beloved television series. My fellow editor Paul Ulane tried to convince me that I am just too young to understand, but anytime you hear something like that, you know you are talking to the truest of assholes.
More assholery: If You Like Any of These Movies, You Are a Total Asshole
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Wedding Proposal Prank Lands Man Title of 'Meanest Man On The Internet'
It looks as though the Internet's sense of humor rivals that of a used sock these days.
According to Happy Place, a Redditor known only as "griffunk" posted a picture of a ring box along with a note that read "LOL, JK" yesterday and said that he strategically left it in his sock drawer on laundry day so his girlfriend would find it.
![man posts picture of engagement ring box, wedding proposal prank]()
Sadly, most of the Internet was not LOLing. Here are just some of the comments his fellow Redditors left for him:
"My wife just called you a bastard."
"You'll soon find a new use for those socks, OP."
"This is how you get her to take another guys penis out, and play with it a little."
"Did you write this post with your own blood after she stabbed you?"
Tess Koman at Cosmopolitan took it one step further and referred to "griffunk" as the "Absolute Meanest Man on the Internet."
![man posts picture of ring with LOL, JK note on Reddit]()
Ever the comedian, Griffunk returned to Reddit a short while later with a new post titled, "Well, that escalated quickly." He said that his girlfriend thought the bit was funny because she isn't a "fragile pane of glass" like some of the ladies who commented, and he posted one more funny pic for his closer.
![man posts picture of ring with LOL, JK note on Reddit]()
Godspeed, Griffunk.
The best stories ever can be found on Mandatory, but Reddit is a close second: Man on Reddit Says He Started Fire Attempting to Clean His Wife's Dildos
According to Happy Place, a Redditor known only as "griffunk" posted a picture of a ring box along with a note that read "LOL, JK" yesterday and said that he strategically left it in his sock drawer on laundry day so his girlfriend would find it.
Sadly, most of the Internet was not LOLing. Here are just some of the comments his fellow Redditors left for him:
"My wife just called you a bastard."
"You'll soon find a new use for those socks, OP."
"This is how you get her to take another guys penis out, and play with it a little."
"Did you write this post with your own blood after she stabbed you?"
Tess Koman at Cosmopolitan took it one step further and referred to "griffunk" as the "Absolute Meanest Man on the Internet."
Ever the comedian, Griffunk returned to Reddit a short while later with a new post titled, "Well, that escalated quickly." He said that his girlfriend thought the bit was funny because she isn't a "fragile pane of glass" like some of the ladies who commented, and he posted one more funny pic for his closer.
Godspeed, Griffunk.
The best stories ever can be found on Mandatory, but Reddit is a close second: Man on Reddit Says He Started Fire Attempting to Clean His Wife's Dildos
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Dude Busted Using HOV Lane With 'The Most Interesting Man in the World' Cutout
Navigation systems ask him for directions.
According to KING 5, a man using the HOV Lane on a stretch of Interstate 5 just east of Tacoma was issued a $124 ticket Monday afternoon when police noticed his companion in the front seat was actually a cardboard cut out of "The Most Interesting Man in the World."
Washington State Trooper Guy Gill said that he and the driver had a good chuckle about using the Dos Equis pitchman as his carpool buddy, but he issued him a ticket anyway.
"The driver told me, 'He's my best friend. He never says anything,'" Gill said.
No word if the driver plans on challenging the citation or if he plans on using a mannequin dressed like Perry Mason to sway the district attorney when he does.
This isn't the first time somebody has tried to beat the system: Hilariously Ridiculous Dummies Used By Busted Carpool Lane Violators
According to KING 5, a man using the HOV Lane on a stretch of Interstate 5 just east of Tacoma was issued a $124 ticket Monday afternoon when police noticed his companion in the front seat was actually a cardboard cut out of "The Most Interesting Man in the World."
I don't always violate the HOV lane law...but when I do, I get a $124 ticket! We'll give him an A for creativity! 👮👍 pic.twitter.com/hNbQDuBWfc
- Trooper Guy Gill (@wspd1pio) March 24, 2015
Washington State Trooper Guy Gill said that he and the driver had a good chuckle about using the Dos Equis pitchman as his carpool buddy, but he issued him a ticket anyway.
"The driver told me, 'He's my best friend. He never says anything,'" Gill said.
No word if the driver plans on challenging the citation or if he plans on using a mannequin dressed like Perry Mason to sway the district attorney when he does.
This isn't the first time somebody has tried to beat the system: Hilariously Ridiculous Dummies Used By Busted Carpool Lane Violators
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Australian Model Hayley Nagle Has Been Unchained
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14 Harmless Coloring Books Made Completely Inappropriate
Coloring books aren't supposed to be for adults, but don't tell that to the sick freaks who had their way with the ones below. If you feel like traumatizing your kids and completing ruining their innocence, feel free to show them what the Internet psychos have done to some perfectly harmless cartoons.
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You can always check out more coloring books gone wrong here.
You can always check out more coloring books gone wrong here.
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Today's Funny Photos
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10 Animals That Like Getting Stoned
If you think humans are the only species that mess around with mind-altering substances, alter your mind and think again. From cats tripping on herb to dinosaurs being high out of their walnut-sized minds, here are ten examples of how-and why-animals get stoned.
CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM-EATING WALLABY
![stoned animals, animals getting high]()
Along with its other exports like bloomin' onions and Hugh Jackmans, Australia supplies roughly half of the world's supply of legally-grown medicinal opium. This has lead to a unique agricultural problem: wallabies sneaking into poppy fields, chowing down on the opium-bearing flowers, then mindlessly hopping in circles until they pass out, creating some of the few crop circles not created by ancient aliens or bored teenagers. The Australian government takes this problem as seriously as they do anything (considering how drunk they usually are) and held a parliamentary hearing on increasing the security of poppy fields nationwide. Alternative methods of dealing with the problem by channeling opium-addicted wallabies into Velvet Underground cover bands have yet to be addressed.
THE PROBLEM DRINKING OF THE SHREW
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If you're looking to get a tree shrew really drunk tonight, you're out of luck, and also you should probably be in jail. The pen-tailed tree shrew of Malaysia feeds on the nectar of the bertam palm, a quick-fermenting yeasty brew that clocks in at an ABV of 3.8%, and they feed on a LOT of that nectar. One scientist with an active nightlife and a lot of fun girlfriends compared the shrew's intake to that of an average woman drinking nine glasses of wine in a single evening. Bizarrely, the alcohol never seems to affect the tiny critters, even though some tests showed BAC that would be coma-inducing if not fatal in humans. Pity the alcoholic shrew who can't even drink the pain away anymore.
MONKEY BOOZENESS
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The vervet monkeys of St. Kitts, on the other hand, get drunk so often that a controversial study used them to model how humans get drunk as well. First introduced to the island as stowaways on slave ships, the vervets got their first taste of alcohol from fermenting sugar cane. Today, it's way easier for them to sneak cocktails from unsuspecting (or enabling) tourists, and a 2002 survey found that their behavior mirrored human drinking habits. 65% of the monkeys drank lightly and only with other monkeys, 15% didn't drink at all, another 15% drank heavily but without too many social problems, and the remaining 5% were like tiny John Belushis with less body hair. These proportions are very similar to known human drinking habits, leading some to question the value of locking 1000 monkeys in a cage and feeding them mai tais.
PUFFERFISH, PUFFERFISH, PASS
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Day-glo dolphins may have shown up on a lot of Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers in the '90s, but real dolphins are way too busy beating up innocent sharks and having crazy rape orgies to hang out with unicorns. A recent BBC documentary "Spy in the Pod" used remote cameras to discover the latest fad among the delinquents of the sea: young male dolphins chomping on pufferfish just enough to release a tiny amount of deadly neurotoxin, then chilling out apparently looking at their own reflection in the surface. The dolphins even take turns sharing the fish, although just like human stoners, there's always one dolphin who forgets he has the puff and gets distracted by a funny video on his phone.
MADAGASCAR: BEHIND THE SCENES
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For years, scientists believed that the black lemurs of Madagascar were unique among tool-using primates for inventing its own form of bug spray: simply grab a handy giant millipede, chew on its head until it gets angry (this doesn't take long) and the bug starts squirting poisonous defensive juices all over the place. Rub the bug juice into your fur and you have a unique defense at the height of the mosquito season. Pretty smart for a weird-looking cat-monkey, right? That was before someone analyzed the bug juice and found that it contained not only powerful psychoactives but cyanide... then someone analyzed the lemurs and found them to be incredibly high and understandably in ill health due to being a bunch of stoners bathing in super-deadly poison.
FIENDIN' ON THAT NIP
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Nepeta cataria is a member of the mint family used by ancient cultures as a mild sedative and by modern cultures as a way to get your cat to writhe around embarrassing itself like a furry little raver. The secret of catnip is in the volatile oil nepetalactone, which when sniffed or ingested binds to certain receptors in the cat brain-receptors normally meant to pick up on pheromones in tomcat urine. To female cats this is like Drakkar Noir and MDMA combined, triggering their sexual response and lots of weird yowling and wriggling. Oddly, nepetalactone also works on males, meaning that for just a few dollars at the pet store you can turn any male cat temporarily gay. This is why it's so easy to blackmail cat politicians.
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING JAGUARS
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For an apex predator like a jaguar, a little bit of mint leaf isn't going to do the trick trip-wise. These big cats go for the roots and bark of the yage vine, which helps them clean out their digestive systems but also happen to carry a megaton dose of the incredibly powerful hallucinogen DMT, leading to some of the same goofy wiggly behavior their smaller cousins display on nepetalactone. Eating yage is also a major part of local tribes' shamanistic tradition, and some anthropologists believe that the natives imitated the jaguar's behavior in the hopes that the vine was the key to the feline's incredible senses. Presumably these shamen missed the part where the jaguar rolls around drooling like a dork.
REINDEER GAMES
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Poisonous and hallucinogenic, the fly agaric mushroom posed a problem to the prehistoric stoners of Northern Europe. Yes, it will make you trip balls, but it comes with a long list of painful and unpleasant side effects and in large enough quantities could straight-up kill you. One fateful day a Scandinavian shaman noticed that wild reindeer could and did eat fly agarics with no negative effects and still seemed to have a pretty good time (some historians think the "flying reindeer" part of Santa Claus was inspired by the way reindeer leap around while high on shrooms) and realized that somehow the animal was purifying the toxins in its body. That shaman reached the same conclusion anyone else would: feed a tame reindeer fly agaric, collect its urine in a bucket, boil it down to the essence, and drink it for some rad mystical visions. Others would simply butcher a high reindeer and eat its meat for essentially the same effect, but if you were really serious about your vision quest you knew you had to chug that magical piss. Skaal!
JUST SAY DINO
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Of course, if you're really looking for a big dangerous animal on big dangerous drugs, you can't go wrong with dinosaurs on acid. (Actually you could very easily go wrong with dinosaurs on acid.) After archaeologists recently discovered the oldest form of grass in the world preserved in amber, chemists were surprised to find the oldest form of ergot on top of it-a fungus known for inciting mass hallucinations in villages that was later used to synthesize LSD. While lizards and birds are known to freak out when fed ergot, scientists are unsure how the fungus might affect their much larger ancestors. It's safe to say, however, that a spike-covered animal the size of a bulldozer tripping balls would be simultaneously the most awesome and dangerous thing ever seen.
THE MOST STONED ANIMAL OF ALL... IS MAN
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Renowned psychedelic scientist Terrence McKenna has a fun theory for you: what if the reason mankind evolved at such an incredible pace from poking rocks with sticks to flying to the moon to poke moon rocks with scientific sticks is because a bunch of primates got really, really high? Popularly known as the "Stoned Ape" theory for obvious reasons, McKenna argues that the increased visual acuity associated with psychedelic mushrooms (commonly available where mankind evolved) became a major evolutionary advantage in hunting and examining, and that psychedelic stimulation of dormant parts of the ape brain may have resulted in the spontaneous invention of language and music. Calling this a fringe theory is like calling the Avengers movies a modest film success, but gorillas and mandrills in the Congo have been observed digging up the roots of the iboga plant to ingest the powerful hallucinogen within. Further research is needed to see whether they will develop languages, societies, and an appreciation for the music of Tangerine Dream.
CONFESSIONS OF AN OPIUM-EATING WALLABY
Along with its other exports like bloomin' onions and Hugh Jackmans, Australia supplies roughly half of the world's supply of legally-grown medicinal opium. This has lead to a unique agricultural problem: wallabies sneaking into poppy fields, chowing down on the opium-bearing flowers, then mindlessly hopping in circles until they pass out, creating some of the few crop circles not created by ancient aliens or bored teenagers. The Australian government takes this problem as seriously as they do anything (considering how drunk they usually are) and held a parliamentary hearing on increasing the security of poppy fields nationwide. Alternative methods of dealing with the problem by channeling opium-addicted wallabies into Velvet Underground cover bands have yet to be addressed.
THE PROBLEM DRINKING OF THE SHREW
If you're looking to get a tree shrew really drunk tonight, you're out of luck, and also you should probably be in jail. The pen-tailed tree shrew of Malaysia feeds on the nectar of the bertam palm, a quick-fermenting yeasty brew that clocks in at an ABV of 3.8%, and they feed on a LOT of that nectar. One scientist with an active nightlife and a lot of fun girlfriends compared the shrew's intake to that of an average woman drinking nine glasses of wine in a single evening. Bizarrely, the alcohol never seems to affect the tiny critters, even though some tests showed BAC that would be coma-inducing if not fatal in humans. Pity the alcoholic shrew who can't even drink the pain away anymore.
MONKEY BOOZENESS
The vervet monkeys of St. Kitts, on the other hand, get drunk so often that a controversial study used them to model how humans get drunk as well. First introduced to the island as stowaways on slave ships, the vervets got their first taste of alcohol from fermenting sugar cane. Today, it's way easier for them to sneak cocktails from unsuspecting (or enabling) tourists, and a 2002 survey found that their behavior mirrored human drinking habits. 65% of the monkeys drank lightly and only with other monkeys, 15% didn't drink at all, another 15% drank heavily but without too many social problems, and the remaining 5% were like tiny John Belushis with less body hair. These proportions are very similar to known human drinking habits, leading some to question the value of locking 1000 monkeys in a cage and feeding them mai tais.
PUFFERFISH, PUFFERFISH, PASS
Day-glo dolphins may have shown up on a lot of Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers in the '90s, but real dolphins are way too busy beating up innocent sharks and having crazy rape orgies to hang out with unicorns. A recent BBC documentary "Spy in the Pod" used remote cameras to discover the latest fad among the delinquents of the sea: young male dolphins chomping on pufferfish just enough to release a tiny amount of deadly neurotoxin, then chilling out apparently looking at their own reflection in the surface. The dolphins even take turns sharing the fish, although just like human stoners, there's always one dolphin who forgets he has the puff and gets distracted by a funny video on his phone.
MADAGASCAR: BEHIND THE SCENES
For years, scientists believed that the black lemurs of Madagascar were unique among tool-using primates for inventing its own form of bug spray: simply grab a handy giant millipede, chew on its head until it gets angry (this doesn't take long) and the bug starts squirting poisonous defensive juices all over the place. Rub the bug juice into your fur and you have a unique defense at the height of the mosquito season. Pretty smart for a weird-looking cat-monkey, right? That was before someone analyzed the bug juice and found that it contained not only powerful psychoactives but cyanide... then someone analyzed the lemurs and found them to be incredibly high and understandably in ill health due to being a bunch of stoners bathing in super-deadly poison.
FIENDIN' ON THAT NIP
Nepeta cataria is a member of the mint family used by ancient cultures as a mild sedative and by modern cultures as a way to get your cat to writhe around embarrassing itself like a furry little raver. The secret of catnip is in the volatile oil nepetalactone, which when sniffed or ingested binds to certain receptors in the cat brain-receptors normally meant to pick up on pheromones in tomcat urine. To female cats this is like Drakkar Noir and MDMA combined, triggering their sexual response and lots of weird yowling and wriggling. Oddly, nepetalactone also works on males, meaning that for just a few dollars at the pet store you can turn any male cat temporarily gay. This is why it's so easy to blackmail cat politicians.
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING JAGUARS
For an apex predator like a jaguar, a little bit of mint leaf isn't going to do the trick trip-wise. These big cats go for the roots and bark of the yage vine, which helps them clean out their digestive systems but also happen to carry a megaton dose of the incredibly powerful hallucinogen DMT, leading to some of the same goofy wiggly behavior their smaller cousins display on nepetalactone. Eating yage is also a major part of local tribes' shamanistic tradition, and some anthropologists believe that the natives imitated the jaguar's behavior in the hopes that the vine was the key to the feline's incredible senses. Presumably these shamen missed the part where the jaguar rolls around drooling like a dork.
REINDEER GAMES
Poisonous and hallucinogenic, the fly agaric mushroom posed a problem to the prehistoric stoners of Northern Europe. Yes, it will make you trip balls, but it comes with a long list of painful and unpleasant side effects and in large enough quantities could straight-up kill you. One fateful day a Scandinavian shaman noticed that wild reindeer could and did eat fly agarics with no negative effects and still seemed to have a pretty good time (some historians think the "flying reindeer" part of Santa Claus was inspired by the way reindeer leap around while high on shrooms) and realized that somehow the animal was purifying the toxins in its body. That shaman reached the same conclusion anyone else would: feed a tame reindeer fly agaric, collect its urine in a bucket, boil it down to the essence, and drink it for some rad mystical visions. Others would simply butcher a high reindeer and eat its meat for essentially the same effect, but if you were really serious about your vision quest you knew you had to chug that magical piss. Skaal!
JUST SAY DINO
Of course, if you're really looking for a big dangerous animal on big dangerous drugs, you can't go wrong with dinosaurs on acid. (Actually you could very easily go wrong with dinosaurs on acid.) After archaeologists recently discovered the oldest form of grass in the world preserved in amber, chemists were surprised to find the oldest form of ergot on top of it-a fungus known for inciting mass hallucinations in villages that was later used to synthesize LSD. While lizards and birds are known to freak out when fed ergot, scientists are unsure how the fungus might affect their much larger ancestors. It's safe to say, however, that a spike-covered animal the size of a bulldozer tripping balls would be simultaneously the most awesome and dangerous thing ever seen.
THE MOST STONED ANIMAL OF ALL... IS MAN
Renowned psychedelic scientist Terrence McKenna has a fun theory for you: what if the reason mankind evolved at such an incredible pace from poking rocks with sticks to flying to the moon to poke moon rocks with scientific sticks is because a bunch of primates got really, really high? Popularly known as the "Stoned Ape" theory for obvious reasons, McKenna argues that the increased visual acuity associated with psychedelic mushrooms (commonly available where mankind evolved) became a major evolutionary advantage in hunting and examining, and that psychedelic stimulation of dormant parts of the ape brain may have resulted in the spontaneous invention of language and music. Calling this a fringe theory is like calling the Avengers movies a modest film success, but gorillas and mandrills in the Congo have been observed digging up the roots of the iboga plant to ingest the powerful hallucinogen within. Further research is needed to see whether they will develop languages, societies, and an appreciation for the music of Tangerine Dream.
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This Is The Most Important 'Dear Abby' Question Ever Asked
This is a truly intense reading experience. Here we have a man in a really difficult situation. He needs all the advice he can get in order to make the correct decision. If he doesn't think it all the way through, there will be many ramifications, some of which could wreak havoc on his financial standing. (Make sure you read all the way to the end.)
![funny dear abby letter]()
Via Imgur
Via Imgur
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20 Embarrassing Displays of Sports Fan Body Paint
We all want to be the best sports fans we can possibly be, but some of us are under-qualified participants when it comes to executing a good paint job. In fact, some sports fans are downright embarrassing examples and should be banned from the games. Let us know if we missed any other body paint fails, or if you happen to be one of the sad S.O.B.'s we chose. And if so, shame on you...and your parents.
![sports body paint fails, funny fan body paint]()
You applied your face paint in the mirror, eh miss?
![sports body paint fails, funny fan body paint]()
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What the hell is wrong with Auburn students?
![sports body paint fails, funny fan body paint]()
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This is beyond frightening.
![sports body paint fails, funny fan body paint]()
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Finally, at a quick glance that does not look like "Pens." Also, that's not paint.
![sports body paint fails, funny fan body paint]()
You applied your face paint in the mirror, eh miss?
What the hell is wrong with Auburn students?
This is beyond frightening.
Finally, at a quick glance that does not look like "Pens." Also, that's not paint.
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The Funniest GIFs of the Week
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Set Sail With the Stunning Elaine Gregory
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Raising a Dog vs. Raising a Kid
Have you ever heard a friend refer to their pet as their child? If you have children you probably thought about how outrageously stupid this is and harshly judged them. But is it as far off base as you'd imagine? As someone who has both, let's compare the two and see how much raising a dog is like raising a child.
![raising a dog vs raising a kid]()
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Check Out This Wrestler's Massive Disgusting Head Wound (Warning: Graphic)
If for some reason you're actually looking for a way to ruin your Cobb salad lunch, then boy, do we have the picture for you.
According to Deadspin, independent professional wrestler Reed Bentley took part in the IWA Mid-South March Massacre Show in Clarksville, Indiana Tuesday night. It didn't go so well.
Seriously, do not scroll down unless you have absolutely zero interest in finishing your Cold Cut Combo.
Bentley told his Twitter followers that he needed 41 stitches and several pints of blood to fix the Grand Canyon of head gashes, but he is miraculously OK and seemingly in good spirits about the whole thing considering he is now sporting a scar that will make you queasy upon sight of it.
#FrankenBentley is here! Please just don't tell my fucking mom... pic.twitter.com/Te7tndKSSf
- Elbows and Rudeness (@TheReedBentley) March 25, 2015
Of course, that's nothing compared to what it looked like before doctors went to work on him. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Look how much fun they're having on the baseball diamond these days: Marlins Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton Shares Gross Photo of His Busted Face
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This 'Game of Thrones' Iron Throne is Made Out of Dildos
If you're a huge fan of "Game of Thrones" and also happen to enjoy dildos, then odds are you're really going to love this.
According to Metro, an adult toy retailer in the UK recently used 200 dildos to create what they're calling the "Game of Bones" Rubber Throne, and they are giving it away to one lucky winner.
![game of bones rubber throne made of 200 dildos]()
It took 24 hours for two men at Bondara to build the Rubber Throne, but there will "only be one who claims the right to sit on it." All you have to do for a chance to score the "Throne o' Dildos" is tweet to your followers that you are entering to win a chair made out of fake dicks and spray paint.
But based on the throne's description, it just might be totally worth it.
"Legend has it that this grand throne, forged from over a hundred dildos of enemies conquered, is the only one of its kind. You have one chance to win and forever rule from your mighty seat of dildos!"
Bondara suggests the winner put the Rubber Throne in his or her living room or at the head of the dining table. They even suggest bringing it to work, which sounds like a great idea if you no longer want to be employed.
Seriously, is there anything funnier than porn parody titles? Classic Movie Posters With Their Porn Parody Titles
According to Metro, an adult toy retailer in the UK recently used 200 dildos to create what they're calling the "Game of Bones" Rubber Throne, and they are giving it away to one lucky winner.
It took 24 hours for two men at Bondara to build the Rubber Throne, but there will "only be one who claims the right to sit on it." All you have to do for a chance to score the "Throne o' Dildos" is tweet to your followers that you are entering to win a chair made out of fake dicks and spray paint.
But based on the throne's description, it just might be totally worth it.
"Legend has it that this grand throne, forged from over a hundred dildos of enemies conquered, is the only one of its kind. You have one chance to win and forever rule from your mighty seat of dildos!"
Bondara suggests the winner put the Rubber Throne in his or her living room or at the head of the dining table. They even suggest bringing it to work, which sounds like a great idea if you no longer want to be employed.
Seriously, is there anything funnier than porn parody titles? Classic Movie Posters With Their Porn Parody Titles
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