Watch This A-Hole Romanian Soccer Coach Kick One Of His Teenage Players

November 2, 2015, 6:42 pm

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There was a Romanian foreign exchange student in my economics class during my senior year of high school, and he was huge prick. But he was a goddamn saint compared to this U17 soccer coach who was fired after a camera recorded him literally kicking the shit out of one of his own players on the bench.

The dude's name is Liviu Petrache, and he will not be getting a Christmas card from us.



I mean, It wasn't like I was even thinking about sending my kid over to Romania to learn how to play soccer, but this pretty much makes it official.

h/t Deadspin

That's just considered great coaching in Russia: A-Hole Russian Soccer Coach Kicks Kid

 

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Watch This Suspected Shoplifter Run Face First Into A Glass Door

November 2, 2015, 7:26 pm

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From what we've heard, toilet water flushes the exact opposite way in South Africa as it does here in the States. However, by the looks of things, those huge rotating glass doors travel just as slow and in the exact same direction.

But according to the Daily Mail, it didn't matter if this particular glass door was rotating clockwise or counter-clockwise because this suspected thief just plain didn't see it when she tried to make her getaway.

The South African woman allegedly ganked a stash of makeup from Baywest Hall in Port Elizabeth and then booked it for the door. And that's when karma proved yet again that it's quite the bitch.


The good news for the suspected thief is that authorities have yet to make an arrest because they can't make out her face in the video.

The bad news? You guessed it: She'll probably have to use all of the makeup she stole to cover up the shiner she got when she cracked her dome against the glass.

Here's another girl who's probably still going pretty heavy on the makeup: Woman Damn Near Breaks Her Face Attempting 'Dirty Dancing' Move

 

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Guess What Happens When These Guys Mix Bowling With Yoga

November 2, 2015, 7:45 pm

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This might be the healthiest strike that has ever been bowled.

According to UPI, a British man and his chums recently spent their night out at a local bowling alley. And at some point during their magnificent journey, the normal game of bowling became much too boring, so they decided to mix in some yoga.

I'd say it was a rather effective maneuver.



Daniel Berg said the effort was their "first attempt at combining yoga with bowling," but after watching the clip for a fourth time, I'd say that calling this a yoga move is rather generous. Maybe it's just us, but it just seems like the guys are all about 17 pints deep, and it's just something that would naturally happen when you get shitfaced.

But hey, it's still a strike, and in the end, that's all that really matters.

It's also very amusing to watch bowlers fail: The Most Enjoyable Bowling Fail GIFs On The Internet

 

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Today's Funny Photos

November 2, 2015, 11:07 pm

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11 Times Men Accidentally Cockblocked Themselves

November 2, 2015, 11:57 pm

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Nobody likes to get cockblocked. Whether it's due to some random jerk at the bar or a friend simply screwing you over for the fun of it, it never goes down easy. Of course, when you have no one to blame but yourself, it can be especially depressing. Fortunately, the following situations didn't happen to you, so feel free to laugh at these men's misfortunes and pray the karma train doesn't run you down for it.












(via theCHIVE)

Related: First Date Horror Stories That Will Make You Feel Better About Yours

 

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The Most Addictive Shows on TV Right Now

November 3, 2015, 12:50 am

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Amongst the currently most binge-worthy shows, whichever streaming service you use, we can't help but notice how addicting some of these TV shows are right now. Only including the most addictive of current shows (as any fool could sit and drool over reruns of expired classics like "MacGyver") we give you our TV show drug of choice. If you follow our word, you'll need a month at Promises and a sponsor to make it off the couch alive.

"The Leftovers"

Any TV binger could potentially testify "The Leftovers" as one of the newest addictive shows on the fall TV lot. The HBO hit from "Lost" co-showrunner has a more down-to-earth plot - you can't move this one with the spin of a wheel - with a refined cast, led by Justin Theroux. Season two, although not as strong in the ratings as it pilot season, has taken the show to a new terrain, one fraught with more binge-worthy landscape. Season two premiered in early October.

"Fargo"

With season two, a prequel to its initial season, just underway, we're getting a glimpse at a season that is somehow possibly better than the first. With cast members Ted Danson and Kirsten Dunst met by newcomers Nick Offerman and Jesse Plemons to replace Billy Bob Thornton and Colin Hanks from season one, we're getting more and more reason to tune into the black comedy crime show, based off the Coen brothers award-winning cult classic film. The new 10-episode run started mid-October.

"Narcos"

It would make sense for a show about drugs to be a little addictive, especially in the case of Pablo Escobar. Based on the rise of the Colombian drug lord, we see another Netflix original winner in its first season as the D.E.A. tries to pin down Escobar, played by the talented Wagner Moura, in the show's first strong 10 episodes, all of which go down quicker than a kilo on Halloween. Happy holidays to you as you binge this show in your post-mortem costume recovery.

"Daredevil"

Superhero shows usually have a bit too much cheap theatrics and bright colors, but in the case of Daredevil, a film adaptation that went sourly, we see Netflix revive Matt Murdock, a blind lawyer leading a double life. The action quality and grit of the show follows a film-worthy remake of one of the most in-tune fighters whose reliance on his senses is not only impressive, but essential. The show co-stars former Mighty Duck Elden Henson and the striking real-life Jessica Rabbit-esque damsel, Deborah Ann Woll.

"Peaky Blinders"

With a short list of episodes, you get the feeling you're not binging as much, but you are, but it's perfectly fine when it comes to such a well-constructed pre-roaring '20s show like "Peaky Blinders." Another Netflix original set back before cell phones - phones in general were just getting hip - we're up to three seasons of the six-episode series, led by Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy and Sam Neill, with the lovely help of Annabelle Wallis. Season three kicks off for the bloody Birmingham gang in early 2016.

"Scream Queens"

When comedy meets horror, there can never be any real tragedy, and "Scream Queens" is killing it in its first season, led by a seductively talented cast of Emma Roberts, Lea Michele and Ariana Grande, along with the seasoned serial killer cast mate, Jamie Lee Curtis. In a suspense driven horror show where the victims and villains are unpredictable, we find season one frightfully terrific in the best way possible. Leave the duct tape and spray painted costume at home, set a bowl of candy on the porch and sit back to soak in TV's best new murder mystery.

"Scream"

In the passing of Wes Craven, we conveniently find ourselves with a TV adaptation of some of his best work, an MTV pilot season for the '90s horror hit, "Scream." In an extended CW-type teen drama version of the same movie plot, we get red herons out the wazoo and an entire cast deserving of a bloody death of their own. It's not bad, especially around Halloween and very much especially if you're a fan of that opening bikini scene with Bella Thorne.

"House of Cards"

Anybody who watches "House of Cards" most likely watches it all in the week it comes out in spring. Or, if you're pathetic like me, all in one sad, desperately lonely 24-hour period. With the rise of Frank Underwood at its ceiling after three seasons, we're scrambling to review old episodes in heavy anticipation of its fourth coming season. Here we'll watch Frank himself scramble to keep his secrets under the veil, as well as hopefully more sugar from the First Lady, in what could possibly be one of its final seasons, unless Kevin Spacey is right and it goes for 10 more.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

After 10 season - season 11 is rounding the corner - we still get a kick out of the once-small-time FX show. Back on its new FXX time slot, the terrible trio, sweet D and our favorite garbage-eating troll Frank are back. How much more will they pollute society? Will they all eventually kill Deandra? Is Frank going to crawl naked out of more things? Time will tell for our favorite aging degenerates.

"The Walking Dead"

Especially around this time of year, "The Walking Dead" is a favorite for binge viewing. The AMC zombie drama seems to flow a little better when it's viewed as a whole, as opposed to giving us bloody, survivalist suspense followed by six days back in reality. With the recent attack of - SPOILER ALERT! - comic book villains, The Wolves, along with suspense of Glenn's "death" and Rick's hand, we're seeing some long-awaited changes to the cast and its dynamic. Now, if only they'd kill Carl already.

 

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You've Probably Been Mispronouncing These Words The Whole Time

November 3, 2015, 1:32 am

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Thanks to spell check and AutoCorrect, all the words we misspell can be fixed pretty quickly, even if a lot of Facebook posts look like they were written by someone in the middle of a stroke. But unfortunately, there really isn't something that lets us know immediately if we mispronounce a word. That is unless there is an uppity asshole nearby who corrects you.

With that said, let's take a look at some words that you might have been saying wrong the entire time, because then you can be that uppity asshole in the future.

Chipotle

Wrong: Chip - oat - lay
Right: Cheep - oat - lay
Definition: a smoked hot chili pepper used especially in Mexican cooking
Sentence: A group of white high school girls went to Chipotle to celebrate the last day of school.

Perspire

Wrong: Pre - spire
Right: Per - spire
Definition: give out sweat through the pores of the skin as the result of heat, physical exertion, or stress
Sentence: The cashier noticed how much I was perspiring when I tried to use an expired coupon.

Gyro

Wrong: juh - eye - roh or gee - roh
Right: yee - roh
Definition: a sandwich made with slices of spiced meat cooked on a spit, served with salad in pita bread
Sentence: Not ordering food I can't correctly pronounce is why I haven't eaten a gyro yet.

Candidate

Wrong: Can - uh - date
Right: Can - da - date
Definition: a person who applies for a job or is nominated for election
Sentence: All the Republican presidential candidates are doing a great job of giving SNL material.

Cache

Wrong: Catch
Right: Cash
Definition: a collection of items of the same type stored in a hidden or inaccessible place
Sentence: I have a large cache of Halloween candy under my bed for shame eating.

Sherbet

Wrong: Sure - burt
Right: Sure - bit
Definition: a frozen dessert made with fruit juice added to milk or cream, egg white, or gelatin
Sentence: I've been saying sherbet the wrong way this entire time.

Affluent

Wrong: Aff - lue (stress here) - ent
Right: Aff (stress here) - lue - ent
Definition: having a great deal of money; wealthy
Sentence: I would say affluent if I wanted to sound more like an asshole than usual.

Prescription

Wrong: Pur - scrip - shun
Right: Pre - scrip - shun
Definition: an instruction written by a medical practitioner that authorizes a patient to be provided a medicine or treatment
Sentence: My therapist wrote me out a prescription after only five minutes of talking.

Espresso

Wrong: Ex - press - so
Right: Es - press - so
Definition: strong black coffee made by forcing steam through ground coffee beans
Sentence: Owning an espresso machine is a good way to show everyone you're better than them.

Sudoko

Wrong: Suh - doe - coo
Right: Soo - doe - coo
Definition: a puzzle in which players insert the numbers one to nine into a grid
Sentence: Sudoko has the audacity to call itself a game even though math is involved.

Heinous

Wrong: Hay - nee - ous
Right: Hay - nous
Definition: utterly odious or wicked
Sentence: My Internet history alone would convict me of any heinous crimes I ever commit.

Asterisk

Wrong: As - tricks
Right: As - ter - isk
Definition: a symbol (*) used to mark printed or written text, typically as a reference to an annotation or to stand for omitted matter
Sentence: Wanting to put an asterisk on my little league stats is offensive.

Celtic

Wrong: Sell - tick
Right: Kell - tick
Definition: of or relating to the Celts or their languages
Sentence: I was carried out of an Irish bar for mispronouncing Celtic (but mainly for passing out after one beer).

Electoral

Wrong: E - lek - tor (stress here) - uhl
Right: E - lek (stress here) - tor - uhl
Definition: of or relating to elections or electors
Sentence: The majority of us don't know what the hell the Electoral College is.

Niche

Wrong: nitch
Right: neesh
Definition: a specialized but profitable corner of the market
Sentence: Mumbling awful things about you under my breath is my niche.

Comptroller

Wrong: Comp - troll - ur
Right: Con - troll - ur
Definition: a controller (used in the title of some financial officers)
Sentence: A comptroller sounds like a nice career to talk about at that brunch you weren't invited to.

Kibosh

Wrong: Ki - bosh
Right: Key - bosh
Definition: put an end to; dispose of decisively
Sentence: Costco put the kibosh on my free sampling days after an unfortunate incident.

Lambaste

Wrong: Lamb - basst
Right: Lamb - baste
Definition: criticize (someone or something) harshly
Sentence: My hobbies include lambasting everything I see on Facebook from the safety of my room.

Wheelbarrow

Wrong: Weel - barrel
Right: Weel - barrow
Definition: a small cart with a single wheel
Sentence: Pushing a wheelbarrow sounds like manual labor, so I can't do that.

Prerogative

Wrong: Per - og - uh - tiv
Right: Pre - rog - uh - tiv
Definition: a right or privilege exclusive to a particular individual or class
Sentence: Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" would be my workout song if I worked out.

Via The Chive

Because you hate your mom for homeschooling you: 20 Commonly Misused Or Misspelled Words And The Correct Way To Use Them

 

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Jimmy Kimmel Has Parents Tell Their Kids They Ate All The Halloween Candy

November 3, 2015, 2:46 am

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For the past four years Jimmy Kimmel has encouraged parents everywhere to make their kids cry by having them tell them that they've eaten all of their Halloween candy, because if there is one thing that drives a kid to murder their parents it's someone eating their reason for living.

Once again Kimmel challenged parents to traumatize their children and catch it all on film because you always need something to blackmail your kids later on in life with.

The answer is probably "yes" Jimmy Kimmel Guesses If People Have Taken A Selfie Today Based On Their Looks

 

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A Timeline Of Waiting For Your Wife To Leave For The Party

November 3, 2015, 2:50 am

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It's Saturday afternoon, and you're resting comfortably on your couch watching three different college football games. You hear the shower go on and your wife yells out, "Don't forget we have Rachel's party at 7:00!" You were well aware of the party. Rachel, your wife's friend, is having her third birthday celebration of the week. You'd rather stay home, but there will be booze and snacks and some friends there. So what the hell? The only question is: Will you actually ever make it? Here is a typical timeline of waiting for your wife to leave for the party.

4:30 pm - Your wife gets out of the shower and walks to your bedroom to put on her makeup. You pop in a DiGiorno pizza at 400 degrees for 22 minutes.

4:52 pm - Pizza's done! You slice it up and let your wife know she can have some. She says she already feels fat so no thanks, and continues with her makeup.


5:00 pm - Two of the football games you're watching are close in the 4th quarter. You finish up your third slice of the 'zza and realize you need a beer to wash it down.

5:01 pm - Your wife comes out of the bedroom with her makeup done. You tell her she looks gorgeous. She reminds you to not have too many beers because you promised you'd drive to the party.

5:05 pm - Your wife begins blow-drying her hair. You turn up the volume on the TV a couple notches.

5:25 pm - Holy crap these games are getting good. One team is driving for a game-winning score and the other game is in overtime. You grab another beer and the final couple slices of pizza so you can really enjoy this.

5:30 pm - Right as a team is lining up for a game-winning field goal, your wife comes out and asks you how she looks in her new outfit. You tell her she looks great and immediately go back to looking at the TV. This displeases the wife.

5:31 pm - The kicker missed the field goal because college kickers suck.


5:32 pm - You realize your wife was not happy with your lack of enthusiasm about her outfit, so you go into the bedroom to reiterate that she really looks great. Too late, she is already changing.

5:33 pm - You head back out to the living room to watch the end of the other game. Your wife asks, "Is there any of that pizza left?" You tell her no; you ate it all because she said she didn't want any. This displeases the wife.

5:40 pm - The other game is in the final seconds. It's 4th and goal and things are getting loud and intense. Your wife asks you to turn the TV down a little. You do so (begrudgingly).

5:41 pm - TOUCHDOWN! That was incredible! You down the rest of your second beer and consider cracking a third. You ask your wife what time you need to leave. She replies, "The party is at 7 but we don't need to be there right on time. So let's just leave here at 7." This means you can definitely have one more beer.

6:00 pm - You are now flipping between another college game and "Armageddon" on TNT. Your wife comes out in another outfit and asks you how she looks. You declare, "You look beautiful, babe!" She replies, "Thanks, but I really don't like these shoes with it." She goes back to the room to change again.


6:15 pm - You are getting sucked into "Armageddon."

6:20 pm - You hear your wife making a bunch of noise in the bathroom while huffing and puffing. You go in and ask her if she's OK, and she informs you that she can't find this necklace that she really needs for her outfit. You try to help her look for it but her bathroom is a mess so she just tells you to get out. Back to "Armageddon!"


6:30 pm - There is a commercial break so you decide to finally get dressed for Rachel's party.

6:32 pm - You are completely dressed and ready to go. You go to the fridge and grab one more beer.

6:33 pm - Your wife comes out in her third outfit, featuring the lost necklace. You make the mistake of telling her you kind of liked the last outfit better. This displeases the wife.

6:58 pm - You look at your phone during another commercial break of "Armageddon" and realize it's almost 7. You call out, "Honey, are you about ready to go?" She replies that she just needs five more minutes.


7:15 pm - Your wife comes out in an outfit that looks just like the first outfit. You tell her she looks great once again. She says thank you, but informs you that she now needs to fix her hair. She asks if you can get her a drink before we go because she's feeling stressed out. You say OK.

7:16 pm - You pour her a glass of wine and decide that you should have one, too. You'll just order an Uber instead of driving now. Because that's being responsible.

7:17 pm - You bring your wife her wine and tell her to let you know when she's almost ready and you'll get the Uber.

7:30 pm - You loudly ask, "Ready for me to order the Uber yet?" She says no.

7:40 pm - You can't believe that you are still watching "Armageddon," but are starting to secretly worry that you may have to leave before the end of it. You've come this far and you want to see it through.

7:41 pm - Your wife says she's finally ready and you can order the Uber, so you load up the app and request it. It's surge pricing -- 2.1x the normal amount. You decide to wait a couple minutes to see if it will go down.


7:45 pm - Uber pricing is now 3x the normal amount. You accept defeat and just request it anyway.

7:58 pm - The Uber arrives just as "Armageddon" cuts to the end credits. Perfect. Somehow, however, your wife is still not ready to go. She orders you to go down and get in the car and just tell the driver she'll be there in a second.

8:05 pm - After several long minutes of awkward conversation with your Uber driver, who you can tell is getting annoyed that you are still waiting for your wife, she exits your place and hustles to get into the car.

8:30 pm - You finally make it to Rachel's party, which you will be at for approximately an hour before Rachel says something that displeases your wife and she wants to go home.

 

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Australian Instagram Star Posts New, Honest Captions Before Quitting Social Media Forever

November 3, 2015, 3:14 am

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If you've ever found yourself being irked by men and women who make tons of cash posting selfies and various pictures all throughout social media, one woman is here to show you that it's not all that it's cracked up to be, and she's doing it in the most dramatic way possible: by quitting social media forever.

Instagram star, 18-year-old Essena O'Neill, has decided to not only delete thousands of pictures off her very extremely popular Instagram (over 750K followers) she has also decided to never involve herself in social media again.



"Social media, especially how I used it, isn't real," Essena states. "It was never my conscious intention, but I deluded a lot of people... Call it deception, manipulation, lying, not saying the whole truth... I was both addicted to social approval and terrified no one would value me for myself. So I rewrote the captions of these false photos with short shots of reality."

Essena went ahead and took down almost 2000 photos of herself on her Instagram, and edited captions on the ones she left by revealing how much she was paid for the photo and where the clothes came from.

You have to give kudos that at such a young age this woman has made this realization; a realization that very few people ever make. Take a look at some of Essena's photos below with her new captions.

























And take a look at the video below to hear Essena explain more on her decision:



Via Mic

She won't have to deal with this anymore: 26 Signs Everyone On Instagram Hates You

 

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A Day In The Life Of Drake

November 3, 2015, 5:01 am

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Have you ever wondered what Drake does on a daily basis? Your average rapper may spend his time partying and hitting the club, but Drake isn't your average rapper. He's a sensitive soul who takes things to heart and, more than anything, just wants to be loved. We didn't actually find his calendar, but if we did, it would probably look exactly like this.


Related: 18 Pictures Of Drake That Prove He's Secretly A Clingy Girlfriend

 

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Kendall Jenner To Walk The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

November 3, 2015, 5:54 am

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Here's some good news for all of you Kendall Jenner fans out there: she's going to be walking the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

On December 8th, the 20-year-old will be walking the runway while wearing a $2 million bra; you know, your typical department store bra. In celebration of Kendall being appointed this extremely important task, let's take a look at a bunch of hot pictures of her courtesy of her Instagram:

@balmainparis @olivier_rousteing

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Oct 1, 2015 at 8:07am PDT

Dubyeeee 2014 👋

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Dec 31, 2014 at 6:59am PST

photo booth

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Aug 18, 2015 at 4:17pm PDT

☀️

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Jul 19, 2015 at 4:42pm PDT

coffee?

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Jul 4, 2015 at 6:44am PDT

#mycalvins moment. thanks to @calvinklein for my new jeans. back pocket 👌🏼

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Oct 23, 2015 at 12:17pm PDT

bed all day. Rodeo tonight.

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on Sep 3, 2015 at 9:42am PDT

Via E Online

Most important invitation: Kendall Jenner Invites You To Take A Shower With Her

 

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Doctor Makes Light Of Australian Kickboxer's Head Wound In Hilarious Fashion

November 3, 2015, 6:11 am

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This may simultaneously be the funniest and grossest video you will see all day. If you are squeamish at the sight of blood, it's probably not for you. But if you're not and enjoy the little things in life, then you are in for a treat. John Wayne Parr is an Australian middleweight kickboxer. After obtaining a nasty gash on the side of his head, he went to the doctor for treatment. He probably didn't expect things to turn into a puppet show, but it doesn't appear that he minded the surprise entertainment one bit. We certainly don't either.

Speaking of unexpected sports comedy: Watch The Moment This Hockey Announcer Realizes He Accidentally Made A Penis Reference

 

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A Bunch Of 'Netflix And Chill' Ads Can Now Be Found On Craigslist

November 3, 2015, 6:20 am

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Now that everyone is fully aware that "Netflix and chill" involves more sex than it does watching every episode of "Breaking Bad" again because we refuse to let it die, guys are now headed to Craigslist in hopes of finding someone they can hook up with.

"Newsweek" reporter Polly Mosendz first mentioned this new trend after she looked up the "Netflix and chill" term on Craigslist for reasons that are her own personal business (probably wanted someone to share her excitement of "Gilmore Girls" coming to Netflix with).

I made the mistake of searching "Netflix and chill" on Craigslist. pic.twitter.com/2N4XbtXF3R

- Polly Mosendz (@polly) November 2, 2015

Check out some more "Netflix and chill" ads that you can reach out to if you're interested:


Sorry, girls looking for "porn star size."



Calling all "down for the cause" advocates.



"I'm gonna murder you! lmao jp jp"



This "handsome Italian man" has a fear of punctuation.



Ladies, he's a "normal guy," so reel this one in now before he goes off the market.


I'm going to need to edit my ad in order to compete with these.

Via Tech Insider

It might end like this for some guys: The Saddest 'Netflix And Chill' Story Ever

 

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Today's Funny Photos

November 3, 2015, 11:00 pm

≫ Next: Weird News: Indiana Woman Arrested After Leaving A Sex Doll And Poop-Covered Dildo On Some Guy's Porch

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Welcome to the hump day funnies, where nothing is ever inappropriate and you are welcome to laugh as loudly as you please (even if you work in a quiet office). You have our permission, and that's really all that matters. Enjoy! (And don't forget to follow us on Twitter and Instagram.)








Click here for More Funny Photos.






Related: A Day In The Life Of Drake










Click here for More Funny Photos.










Speaking of drinks: The Drunkest Drunk Texts You Will Ever Read

 

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Weird News: Indiana Woman Arrested After Leaving A Sex Doll And Poop-Covered Dildo On Some Guy's Porch

November 3, 2015, 11:33 pm

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The fact that it wasn't her poop doesn't make it any more OK.

According to Raw Story, a 56-year-old Indiana woman high on coke was arrested over the weekend after she allegedly left a blow-up sex doll and a dildo covered in dog shit on a man's porch.



The Johnson County Sheriff's Department said they received a call late Saturday night about a woman who left some unwanted things on a stranger's porch and then pulled a gun on the two guys who caught her in the act.

The responding deputy pulled over Chrys Miller in her car as she tried to flee the scene, and she told them she thought she was leaving the doll and crap-covered dong on an old friend's porch, and it was all done as part of a prank.

But that didn't answer why she pulled a gun on the two men who busted her. Something that did? You guessed it: The pill bottle filled with cocaine the deputy found in her car.

Miller was charged with possession of blow, pointing a loaded firearm and possession of a handgun without a license, which means it's not a crime to leave a dildo full of feces on somebody's porch.

And that's almost as disturbing as possessing a poop-covered dildo in the first place.

It's tough to top a game of "Dog Toy or Sex Toy?" Watch Moms Play A Hilarious Game Of 'Dog Toy Or Sex Toy?'

 

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Weird News: Somebody In Scotland Rammed A Dildo Into A Cake At A Charity Bake Sale

November 3, 2015, 11:33 pm

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Something tells me the ladies weren't all over the red velvet cake as much this time around.

According to the Evening Times, a charity bake sale in the Scottish capital of Glasgow took a disturbing yet sexual turn recently when an official noticed somebody had "rammed a sex toy through a chocolate cake."


The charity bake sale was being held by the Glasgow City Council Friday morning, and officials were hoping to raise money for a Romanian orphanage.

"The bake sale was being held for employees to buy cakes and help raise money for charity," a source told the Times. "However, the sale was called off and word quickly spread that all cakes had to be binned due to this malevolent act. By the close of business, the true nature of things came to light - someone had rammed a sex toy through a chocolate cake."

In the meantime, it looks like those kids in the Romanian orphanage are going to get dicked again. Literally, this time.

Maybe the perp thought, "Hey they're selling selfie stick dildos, so why not throw them in cakes?" The New Dildo Selfie Stick Allows You To Capture Your O-Face

 

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Weird News: Iowa Man Tries Beating Breathalyzer Test By Eating Toilet Paper

November 4, 2015, 12:16 am

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It doesn't get much more embarrassing than being known as the guy who got pulled over for suspected drunk driving while wearing a Halloween costume that consisted of just a trench coat and a "piece of cloth that looked like penis."

But eating toilet paper before you take a breathalyzer because you think it will confuse the testing device? Yeah, that probably fits the bill.

According to Huffington Post, that's exactly what Ross McDonald did after he was detained by Iowa City police officers early Sunday morning when they spotted him driving the wrong way on a road.



McDonald allegedly stuck to his guns and told officers he had only consumed two drinks, but they noted his speech was slurred, his eyes were bloodshot and he couldn't remember which bar he had come from.

Standing in just a trench coat with a fake cloth penis attached to it, McDonald's balance was also "unsteady." So, officers brought him to a "drunken driving processing room," and that's where McDonald decided to chow on a roll of ass wipes in hopes that it would "interfere with the breathalyzer."

It did not. McDonald blew a .165 and was charged with his third DUI.

​You might want to make that drink with regular Pepsi: Mixing Diet Soda With Alcohol Raises Breathalyzer Levels 18 Percent

 

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These Awful Parking Jobs Were Given The Instant Vigilante Justice Treatment

November 4, 2015, 12:17 am

≫ Next: The Origins Of Your Favorite Curse Words

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The worst thing about entitled people parking like a-holes is that they rarely get what's coming to them. More often than not, someone will simply snap a photo and post it online saying "look at this jerk" or leave them a passive-aggressive note. But what does that really do? Hurt their feelings? Somehow we doubt they'd really care. So, the only way to achieve true justice in these situations is to inconvenience these idiots as much as they've inconvenienced those around them. The following photo collection showcases the best instances of people doing just that.











Of course, the occasional sarcastic note still does the trick in a pinch.



(via Pulptastic)

 

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The Origins Of Your Favorite Curse Words

November 4, 2015, 12:18 am

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Swearing can be strangely satisfying. Whether you've stubbed your toe on the corner of that motherf--king table, or you're telling your bastard of a boss to go to Hell, swearing tends to address the severity of a topic or situation in an effective way - an effective way that can feel damn good. But why is that? My best guess would be that curse words can be considered taboo, and by uttering these sacred terms, we sort of relish in its rebellion, because we all know if we ever said these words as kids, mom would've tanned our hides.


But where did these all bad words come from? Like, who was the first guy to shout "f*ck!" after he looked into his empty wallet on a Sunday morning? Or the first guy who "had to take a sh*t" instead of simply "going to the bathroom." I investigated the origins of 10 common swear words and found many are surprisingly rich in history and their origins are speculative. Based on the best sources available on the Internet, however (Dictionary.com and Etymonline.com), I've determined the origins of our most precious curse words. Which you can see below.

Fuck
The undisputed king of all curse words historically began as an everyday term meaning "to strike or penetrate." The term also became slang, meaning "to copulate," in 1598 and it still does today. When the word became part of the English language in the late 15th century, however, it was banned from the Oxford English Dictionary as it was viewed as vulgar. For centuries, it was illegal to so much as print the word, which is why the infamous 'f' word is considered one of the worst.


Ass
As expected, the word ass comes from the word "donkey", an animal notorious for being both clumsy and dumb in the late 15 century. From there, "to make an ass of oneself" (to call someone an "idiot" or "delinquent") became a popular phrase in the 1580s. As for slang representing one's backside, the term "arse" was used to describe a person's posterior around 1930 and, over time, the pronunciation of the term became "ass" as people decidedly dropped the "r" for reasons unknown.

Bitch
Originally, the term "bitch" was used to define a female dog and it still is. But the offensive term we use today started around 1400 to describe "a lewd or sensual woman" which then evolved to a less attractive term for "a malicious or unpleasant woman." By the 1800s the word grew even uglier and was considered "the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman," by the Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue in 1811. The verb, meaning "to complain," came to light in the 1930s.


Shit
The word shit traces back to the 14th century and derives from the Old English term for the word "scite" (meaning dung), and "scitte" (which means diarrhea). Not that fun, is it? Shitty, really.

Hell
The word for the homestead of the evil dead derives from the Old English hel, helle (about 725 AD to refer to a world populated by the dead). Essentially, the word hasn't changed much in meaning whatsoever. In a Biblical sense, the use of Hell is speculated to derive from Old Norse "Hel," which was the name of Loki's daughter in Norse mythology, who was an evil ruler of the dead. Badass.

Bastard
Bastard was and is still considered a term for an illegitimate child. This rings true as far back as the early 13th century. Many sources believe the term derives from "corps de bast," a division of the army who would arrive in town the day before (and left the day after) army troops in order to deal with different military provisions. These men had two days of "access" to women in town. This then earned the division the distinction of likely being the men responsible for children born out of wedlock in whichever town they visited. As for its more abusive term for a man, that didn't start until around 1830.


Damn
I had never considered "damn" a swear word but apparently the Internet does so here goes nothing. Damn comes from latin damnare meaning "to condemn or inflict loss on," and it was actually a pretty badass word as far back as the late 13 century where it was represented damage, hurt, harm, or injury. In other words, there is absolutely no positive connotations with the seemingly innocent word.

Cunt
This is quite possibly the most offensive word in the English language. It's also a term that nobody is entirely sure where it came from - though it always had ties to female genitalia. The most popular belief is that cunt derives from the Proto-Germanic word "kunto" which also appears as "kunta" in Old Norse. The word's more offensive connotation was founded in print back in a 1325 Middle English manuscript titled "Proverbs of Hendyng" which translated to: "Give your cunt wisely and make your demands after the wedding". Sound advice, really.


Cock
The word "cock" originally referred to a male chicken (rooster) or bird but became slang for penis around 1610.

Tit
This one isn't necessarily a curse word, but it's a term for the part of a lady men find dear, and it isn't the most democratic term one can use. As you might have guessed, "tit" became modern slang for "teat" (you know, like, on a cow) around 1928. It originally meant nipple (not breast), but nowadays, the word pretty much encompasses the entire boob.

 

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