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The Super Naughty Holiday Gift Guide To Better Sex

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I was once employed by a publication to "test out" various couples sex toys and male masturbators. Since then, I've made a career writing about sex-related topics. For these reasons, I want to believe I have what it takes to compile a skillful gift guide that promises better sex for men, women and couples. To create this guide, I've taken what I've learned from the many products I've had the pleasure of trying (some of which I haven't, but I've heard very good things) and compiled a list of the best sex-related gifts on the market.

Wicked Sensual Care Lubricants
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, wicked sensual care lubricants
As Holly Holm proved not too long ago, Ronda Rousey isn't always correct in her arrogant matter-of-factness. I bring this up because it was Rousey who recently said,"If you need lube, then you're being lazy." This assumptive remark led representatives of Wicked Sensual Care to offer Rousey a lifetime supply of their award-winning lubricants to better teach the MMA fighter about lube's benefits. Wicked Sensual Care is arguably the best lube on the market, offering product for any situation that may require lube - masturbation, anal, cleaning toys, lasting longer in bed, etc. - and comes in a variety of flavors including candy apple, salted caramel, vanilla bean and more. ($9.99-$14.99)

LELO TIANI 24K
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, lelo tiani 24k
What I like about this couples sex toy is, instead of setting out to replace the penis (which many men believe sex toys do), the LELO TIANI is more of a tag team partner to be used alongside the penis - literally. Confused? Here's how it works: The toy is to be worn internally during intercourse, and adds a powerful vibrating sensation that goes hand-in-hand with your thrusts (which feels great for both you and her). Due to its dual motor design, the toy also stimulates the clitoris externally, which can be adjusted using the wireless pad that explores different settings and sensations. This model comes complete with a band of 24k gold, meaning it's kind of like jewellery, and ladies love jewellery. ($269.50)

Fleshlight Shower Mount
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, fleshlight shower mount
To suggest you purchase a Fleshlight in a sex toy guide directed toward men would be akin to saying it gets dark at night. If it's simply a male masturbation aid you seek, then without question, you should get yourself a Fleshlight ($107.95). But if you already own one and would like an add-on to make the men's best-selling sex toy even better, you should also purchase the Shower Mount, an item you might have seen not long ago when this clueless mom posted an image of the product in her son's shower. As funny as that was, the toy is no joke, and offers a unique, hands-free experience with your beloved Fleshlight. The toy isn't only intended for shower play, either, and can be fastened to any secure flat surface. ($24.95)

Kiiroo Onyx + Pearl Couple
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, kiiroo onyx + pearl couple
Though quite expensive, this next-generation toy lets you sleep with your partner no matter how far away they happen to be - plus, you can use them when you're alone, as well. The Kiiroo Pearl, a vibrator intended for the lady, senses movement inside and out of the toy courtesy of its touch sensitive skin and capacitive technology. All of the movements that occur with the Pearl translate to the rings within the Onyx (the male toy counterpart), that both looks and feels like a souped up Fleshlight that massages your penis like a vagina would - no work (from you) required! ($369)

JimmyJane Hello Touch
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, jimmyjane hello touch
This unique gadget turns your fingertips into vibrators, transforming you into an incomparable sexual superhero. By attaching Hello Touch to your index and middle finger or thumb, you can work your magic with an added vibrating sensation. Thus, making good foreplay great. ($145.00)

Slaphappy
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, slaphappy
A truly versatile couples sex toy, the Slaphappy product can be used alone or with a partner. Great for clitoral and G-spot stimulation, the flexible item can be incorporated into nearly every sex position, offering an added vibrating sensation similar to the LELO TIANI. Manufacturers even suggest that you use the toy as a whip to spank your partner, which sounds like a damn good idea. ($49.95)

Stronic Drei
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, stronic drei
Stronic Drei is unlike any other vibrator as it doesn't vibrate. Instead, it thrusts, mimicking the actual actions associated with sex (because real dicks don't vibrate). The Stronic Drei might be an intimidating shape and size, but it's the closest thing to a sex machine that won't break the bank or fill an entire room in your home. The toy adjusts to 10 settings, which range from tame to quite powerful, and the item is exceptionally curved to hit the G-Spot while possessing multiple ridges to aid in the sensation. ($199.99)

LELO BILLY
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, lelo billy
Guys, did you know your G-Spot is in your butt? It's true. To hit the prostate and reach your best possible orgasm, you're going to have to venture beyond the wiener, the balls, and even the taint. While I understand many men may not want anything going anywhere near their butt, I chose LELO's BILLY for its smaller and less intimidating size. It's a great toy for beginners, and is designed to hit the prostate in the best way. ($139.00)

Magic Wand Original Vibrator
super naughty holiday gift guide, sex toy gift guide, magic wand original vibrator
The Hitachi Magic Wand was initially released as a handheld body massager, but as women continued to experiment with the item in the late 1960s, they discovered the device was also mighty proficient at tending to their lady parts. Lauded as the "Cadillac of vibrators," the Magic Wand can be used to help ease sore muscles or as an effective sex toy for clitoral stimulation. It's a classic that won't disappoint. ($59.95)

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The Origin Of Santa Claus: From Skinny Monk To Jolly Old Saint Nick

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The Santa Claus we all know and love today wasn't always a robust, red-suited, milk and cookie-ingesting figure who delivers billions of toys to children around the world. In fact, Santa, as with most things that have near ancient origins, began as an entity not even remotely close to what's commercially presented today. Though the reputable sources I've consulted (History and National Geographic) slightly vary on his origins, I've written a much easier guide to how Santa Claus has come to be the beloved man-sized elf who manages to find a way to break into our homes despite every door being locked.

Who Is Saint Nicholas?
The Origins of Santa Claus
Santa isn't Saint Nicholas, really. But the small-town monk is without a doubt Santa's greatest source of inspiration. Born 280 years after Christ in a small town in Turkey, St. Nicholas, according to scripture, wasn't fat or jolly; he was just the opposite, known for having a passionate temper and a slim physique. St. Nicholas would become a revered saint later in life due to his gracious generosity, as he was known to give away his own inherited wealth and otherwise tend to the poor.

One of the more popular tales of Nicholas' charity is that of when he saved three poor sisters from being sold into prostitution by providing them -- or "gifting" them -- with a dowry so they could get married. Tales such as these aided in Nicholas' popularity to where he eventually became renowned as an incredibly generous gift giver and protector of children, among other things. Even after the Protestant Reformation, when most saint's were metaphorically brutalized, St. Nicholas was far less tarnished, and immigrants would later bring his reputation to North America.

Santa Claus Does America
The Origins of Santa Claus
In December 1773 and 1774 a newspaper in New York reported that groups of Dutch families had gathered to honor the anniversary of St. Nicholas' death by drinking mass amounts of alcohol on the streets with their drunk neighbors. This would later catch on since everybody likes to celebrate with booze, obviously.

To this point the holiday still bore no magical giver of gifts, but that would soon change. A series of poets and writers who wanted to make this celebration more "family-friendly" re-made what they wanted their version of St. Nicholas to be (yes, even Santa is a re-make). Through these many forms of infamous literature - Washington Irving's 'Knickerbocker's History of New York" (1809), anonymous' "The Children's Friend" (1821), and last but not least Clement Clarke Moore's "A Visit From St. Nicholas" (better known as "Twas The Night Before Christmas") (1822) -- everything about St. Nick would change. Saint Nicholas, a man known for his generosity, would evolve to become the world's most generous human-sized elf, gifting good children with presents on December 25 in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

As for the name "Santa Claus," that evolved from St. Nicholas' Dutch nickname, "Sinter Klaas," which was a shortened version of "Sint Nikolaas" (Dutch for Saint Nicholas). His iconic look as the red-clad and bearded gentleman, however, traces back to 1881, when political cartoonist Thomas Nast drew on Moore's poem to create his modern appearance in Harper's Weekly. It is Nast who also gave Santa his lofty position at the North Pole, the elves, and his wife, Mrs. Claus.

Mall Santas and The Salvation Army
The Origins of Santa Claus
Mall Santas began as a marketing ploy to draw in customers, as most commercially appealing things do. Gift-giving became a popular Christmas tradition in the early 19th century, and as such, stores began to advertise Christmas shopping in 1820. Roughly 20 years later, newspapers were creating entire sections for holiday advertisements and sales, most of which featured images of Santa Claus, because Santa's image would help sell product.

In 1841, these marketers would then monetize Santa's image even further and manufacture a life-size statue which thousands of children and their parents would visit. With successes such as these, having men dressed as Santa became an even more profitable sensation, attracting hordes children and parents to shopping malls and boutiques spending their hard-earned money.

As for the bell ringers at the Salvation Army, this actually began in the early 1890s, as the organization needed cash to pay for the free Christmas meals they provided to impoverished families. In order to bring a unique, they began dressing unemployed persons in Santa's vibrant attire and sent them into the streets of New York to acquire donations. As we all know, these bell-ringers have been around soliciting donations and making us reach in our emptied pockets so we believe we're better people for it are still out there, and have become just as much of a Christmas tradition as getting completely trashed at your family's Christmas dinner.

Related: 'Santa Claus' Stole a Helicopter in Brazil Last Week

 

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The Most Photogenic Dog On The Planet

The Top 20 Kardashian/Jenner Social Media Pics Of The Year

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It has been a hell of a year, and while many folks have received plenty of attention, it seems the Kardashians and Jenners are continuing to get it left and right for pretty much anything they do on a daily basis. And 365 days means a lot of time for the family members to post plenty of pictures on social media.

We know you've been eagerly awaiting this. Here are the top 20 social media pictures of the year of the Kardashian and Jenner women.

#20 - Remember me?
Well, that's one way to remind everyone, Kourtney Kardashian.

#19 - Khloe Kardashian hangs with Complex.

FBF to my @ComplexMag shoot 🙊🙈🙉

A photo posted by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

Looks like everyone had a great time that day. Shame I wasn't invited.

#18 - Nice day for a swim.

😎

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Whether this is a planned pic or not I don't think it matters.

#17 - The day everyone hated that top and its placement.

🐯☺️ @kittengalore @terryrichardson @styledbyhrush @thescottycunha

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Terry Richardson was able to take this shot of Kylie Jenner. No word yet on how creepy he was.

#16 - Kendall searches for her shirt.

#mycalvins moment. thanks to @calvinklein for my new jeans. back pocket 👌🏼

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on

I think it's OK if Kendall Jennner doesn't find it.

#15 - Khloe aims to give you a better view.
Smart decision by Khloe and Complex.

#14 - Kylie does her part to save queens.

kys house

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

And we hope she never stops doing her part.

#13 - The best birthday picture ever.

Happy bday to the dopest girl ever!

A photo posted by Tyga / T-Raww (@kinggoldchains) on

Tyga was really, really excited Kylie turned 18.

#12 - Bonding.

we woke up in paradise too

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Kylie and Kendall Jenner being totally normal siblings that you can relate to.

#11 - The day Kendall admired herself some more.

☀️

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on

"Yep, still look good."

#10 - An emoji will do.

☺️

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Sometimes all you need to caption is an emoji, while you're showing off your goods.

#9 - Desert heat.

KimKardashianWest.com

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kim Kardashian had herself a nice photo shoot in the desert, although she probably got one painful sunburn.

#8 - I'm on a boat.

Anaconda

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Kylie is just taking her daily boat trip, no big deal.

#7 - Kendall is great with angles.

photo booth

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on

Kendall captioned this "photo booth." She could have captioned it "caption here," and that would have been OK with me.

#6 - Kendall also celebrates super important accomplishments.

my favorite photo for all 40 mill of you. genuine happiness...taken by lil Ky @490tx

A photo posted by Kendall Jenner (@kendalljenner) on

I feel like this instantly became a favorite photo for a lot of people.

#5 - Another milestone equals another cleavage shot.

42 mil

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Milestones can be fun sometimes.

#4 - Kim speaks out against the haters...while pregnant...and naked.

First they said I'm too skinny so I have to be faking it...Now they say I'm too big so I have to be faking it...SMH! Some days I'm photographed before I eat & look smaller, some days I've just eaten & I look bigger. It's all a part of the process. I think you all know me well enough to know I would document the process if I got a surrogate. Everyone's body is different, every pregnancy is very different! I've learned to love my body at every stage! I'm going to get even bigger & that's beautiful too! I'm blessed to even be pregnant & even luckier to not have preeclampsia as far as I know, so I don't have the swelling issue this time! They also say your body carries a boy different than a girl! Whatever the case may be I'm grateful to God for this miracle & no matter what rumors or comments you throw my way this time they truly don't affect me! #NoFilter #NoPhotoShop #GoodLighting 😜

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kim spoke out against everyone accusing her of using filters and photoshop by posing pregnant and naked. She also included hashtags to remind everyone that there was no manipulation of the picture.

#3 - Kendall promotes good hygiene.

Wash away her sins 😈 KENDALL in paris @kendalljenner #parisisburning

A photo posted by mertalas (@mertalas) on

Kendall took this shot for Mertalas, and we're pretty happy she did.

#2 - Kim Kardashian enjoys celebrating milestones.

27 mil!!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I love you all!!!!! 😘

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Forget party hats and balloons, Kim's way of celebrating things is a lot more worthwhile.

#1 - Kylie pays tribute to her broken nail.

🍓 (ps broken nail 😔)

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Kylie continues to show women everywhere what's the first thing you should do in a time of crisis: take a selfie. This picture got Kylie 1.3 million likes, proving that some broken nails are worth it, i guess.

 

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Guy Makes Hilarious Text Shortcut On Mom's Phone, Leads To Amazing Conversation

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Knowing how to make, and answer, a phone call is usually all moms know about their phones. That leaves open a fantastic opportunity for people to have a little fun with them. That's exactly what one woman's son did.

Take a look at how the guy below decided to mess with his mom and her lack of phone knowledge:

Funny, Guy Makes Hilarious Short Cut On Mom's Phone

That's one hip mom.

Funny, Guy Makes Hilarious Short Cut On Mom's Phone

Via Imgur

More hilarious text shortcuts: 14 Screenshots That Prove Changing Text Shortcuts On Someone's Phone Is Always Funny

 

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Miranda Kerr Goes Nude For Harper's Bazaar Australia

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Miranda Kerr may not be a Victoria's Secret angel anymore but that doesn't mean she has stopped showing off her goods because today Harper's Bazaar Australia revealed their January/February magazine cover and boy is it a good one.

The 32-year-old Australian model is featured naked on the cover, hanging out on a balcony and making a lot of people wish they were living in that residence.

Take a look at the cover below thanks to Harper's Bazaar Australia Instagram:


Oh, and Miranda wasn't done because she then posted a picture she took for The Love Magazine on her Instagram:

Splish splash @thelovemagazine @douginglish #loveadvent

A photo posted by Miranda (@mirandakerr) on


It's a good day.

Because you want to see even more: The Sexiest Photos Of Miranda Kerr

 

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Weird News: Dude Chases Down Guy Who Stabbed Him With The Knife Still Stuck In His Head (Warning: Graphic Footage)

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Telling a man he is thick-skulled is usually a somewhat nicer way of telling him he is dumber than a box of shit. But in this case, having a thick skull literally saved this bro's life.

According to DudeComedy, a 19-year-old man was recently charged with the attempted murder of a real estate agency employee after a shocking video showed him stabbing the employee in his head.

Not as shocking? You guessed it: The video comes from Russia, and it contains graphic footage:



Wow. That thing is really in there.

You have to respect any man who chases after his attacker despite the fact that he has a knife sticking out of his dome. And although he didn't capture the prick himself, the police eventually did.

The good news for the victim is that he suffered no serious injuries despite the knife entering his skull cavity. The bad news is that after a few weeks in the hospital, he had to go back to work in Russia.

Collapsed lung? No problem. Here's your pizza, sir: Kentucky Man Still Delivers Pizza On Time Despite Getting Stabbed

 

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Weird News: 91-Year-Old Woman Suffocates During Kinky Sex Game With 49-Year-Old Neighbor

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All things considered and looking at it with a "glass half-full" mentality, that's still one of the grossest things I've ever written.

According to Mirror, a 91-year-old Portuguese who was recently found "lying in the bed, naked from the waist down and with a vibrator" likely suffocated during a kinky sex game gone wrong with the married father-of-two living next door.

91-year-old woman dies in kinky sex game

The 49-year-old neighbor was arrested after DNA analysis of semen found at the scene was determined to have come from him. Literally, I guess you could say.

Authorities are considering the old minx's death an accident after autopsy results showed her asphyxia was the result of "a sex game that spiraled out of control," and the neighbor dad has since been released on bail.

"I noticed only two small bruises on her face, but there was blood on the sheets and a picture of her husband resting on her chest," another neighbor who found her said. There were also "extensive genital injuries" that were likely caused from the sex toy found next to her.

And now I'll be skipping lunch.

This is what you normally picture when it comes to women over 90: Watch What Happens When This 102-Year-Old Woman Tries To Blow Out Her Candles

 

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Here Are 18 Times Sex Was Interrupted

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Once you convince someone to have sex with you, it's nice if that super fun activity isn't stopped midway through for some reason. It's even nicer if that reason isn't completely ridiculous or unexpected. Thanks to Reddit, Playboy was able to gather up some of the best, most hilarious times awesome sex got interrupted.

18 Times Sex Was Interrupted
Via Playboy

Something tells me these couples are miserable: Horrible Study Suggests The Happiest Couples Have Sex Just Once A Week

 

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Dude Eats It While Showing Off His Pogo Stick Skills

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The good news for this guy showing off his mad pogo stick game is that he won't have to wait long for an ambulance because there is one waiting for him less than 10 feet away.

The bad news is that even the paramedics inside might not be able to pull his balls back outside of his abdomen after this epic fail that took place during an intermission at a recent drift event:



We're not sure which was worse, taking the pogo stick to the nads or face-planting on the cement, but odds are the drift event doesn't have the same concussion protocol as the NFL, so he was probably able to hop right back up and drift like a champion the rest of the afternoon.

Pogo stick fail guy has nothing on wedding entrance fail guy: Groomsman's Epic Entrance Fail Damn Near Knocked Out Bridesmaid

 

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An Advent Calendar Of Things That Suck About The Holidays

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Listen, I'm no Scrooge. I enjoy the holidays for the most part, but that doesn't mean there aren't highly stressful moments in this otherwise bleak month. You know, days when you feel like yelling at those Christmas carolers over there and telling them to shut the hell up! But I digress. Here are 24 things that suck about the holidays, in the form of a very festive advent calendar. Happy holidays!

advent calendar of things that suck about the holidays, funny advent calendar
Contributions by Nic Harvey (@HarvOfDarkness) and Bryan Brunati. Design by Chris Kim.

More: The Passive-Aggressive Holiday Insult Generator

 

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The 'Instagram Husband' Video Sums Up What It's Like Living With An Instagram Addict

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instagram husband, #instagramhusband
For those spending their lives with an Instagram addict, the following video and subsequent website should hit pretty close to home. In them, you'll witness the daily trials that come with having to document every facet of your life (or at least your wife's) on social media. Every guy who just wants to take a bite of his sandwich or sip of his morning coffee without snapping multiple pictures of it from different angles first knows the pain of being an #InstagramHusband all too well. But at long last, there is finally hope.


Here are a few more Instagram hashtags well worth your time: The Best Hashtags To Search On Instagram

 

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Orangutan Has Hilarious Reaction To Magic Trick

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Many people probably feel like they've seen it all so nothing amazes them anymore. But that's not the case for the super laid-back orangutan in this video.

An amateur magician decided to show an orangutan at the Barcelona zoo a simple magic trick that involved making a chestnut in a cup disappear. While most of us humans wouldn't be impressed at all, this orangutan lost his mind. Check out his hilarious reaction:


Now if only I could get this awesome orangutan to listen to my jokes. Then I would have a reaction worthy of my fantastic material.

This monkey had a very different type of reaction: Young Tourist Flips Off Monkey, Gets Dropped Kicked By Monkey

 

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Watch Donald Trump Get Attacked By An Eagle

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While Donald Trump continues to spit garbage out of the hole in his face, there is at least one eagle that probably feels the same way about Trump that many of us do, and he had no problem showing it.

This past August, Trump agreed to take part in a TIME photo shoot for a cover story. And to make things a tad more interesting, Trump was handed an eagle to pose with. Things didn't go too well for Trump, though, because that eagle clearly wasn't a fan of him. Check it out in the video below:



Our national bird wants Donald Trump to stay far, far away from this country.


Via TIME

Makes total sense now: A Day In The Life Of Donald Trump

 

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Teacher's Facebook Stalking Of Female Student Gets Displayed On The Big Screen

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This story, which comes to us in the pictures below, gave me that sick, embarrassed feeling in my stomach. I can't imagine what it must have been like for the students. I'm not sure if I feel worse for the girl who this teacher obviously has a crush on, or for the teacher who was busted being a creep by his entire class. Either way, I'm guessing they both may have needed to take a few sick days to get over it.

teaching busted facebook stalking, teacher facebook stalking big screen
teaching busted facebook stalking, teacher facebook stalking big screen
teaching busted facebook stalking, teacher facebook stalking big screen
This is how most of the students handled it:

nic cage laughing gif
Via theinturnetexplorer

Related: Dads Embarrassing Their Kids On Facebook

 

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Porn Stars Use Oysters To Teach Men How To Properly Go Down On Women

Ogle Your Way To The Perfect Christmas Gingerbread Cookies

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It takes a can-do attitude to whip up delicious baked goods during the holiday season, so if the cans in the following collection of GIFs know what they're doing, they'll ensure that you do things right the first time around. OK, probably more like the second or third time, since you likely won't be paying a lick of attention to the instructions, but I was going for puns first and foremost there, and I think I nailed it. Anyways, get the milk ready, because you've got a batch of hot cookies coming your way.

christmas gingerbread men instructions, sexy gingerbread cookies
christmas gingerbread men instructions, sexy gingerbread cookies
christmas gingerbread men instructions, sexy gingerbread cookies
By the way, consider this your Christmas present from us.

(via Imgur)

Here's another helpful baking video for all you visual learners out there: Lauren Francesca Shows You How To Make An Apple Pie Just Right

 

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Guy Makes Hilarious Christmas Cards And Leaves Them In Gift Shop

Is This The Worst Fake ID Ever Created?

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