I believe it was Rick James who once said, "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
Well, imagine if the late musician would have been around to give bath salts a try.
An Austin man reportedly did so recently, and he wound up getting butt ass naked, attacking a mailman and eating some poor dude's mail. But it was the shit spewing from his piehole that makes the entire episode a must-watch.
I mean, when it starts off with the guy yelling, "How many dicks I got?", let's just say that you've got our attention.
I hate to break it to you, bro, but 911 actually is a prime number. Tough break there.
We're not sure where this video comes from, but we're almost positive it's not Alabama.
Some prankster either placed or found a pile of what is hopefully dog crap on the street and then grabbed a bowl to cover it up. He then called his buddy out to the street and convinced him that he caught a bird under the bowl.
And what happened next is nothing short of comedy gold.
Sure, that video looks like it could be a couple of years old, but it is one that will still be just as moving and powerful hundreds of years down the road, much like the Mona Lisa.
A couple days into 2016, I was hanging out with friends and found out that like me, they had put on several pounds over the holidays. So, they were going to do a weight loss challenge to see who could lose the most weight (based on percentage) by the end of the month. The winner would get 20 bucks from all the other participants (for a total of $140). Being a man who enjoys a friendly wager, I was in. I had never done something like this before, but I also had never weighed this much before, so the timing was right. Now, that month is almost up. I am down eight pounds but that probably won't be enough to win. So I need to kick it into high gear. Unfortunately, I am still dealing with these ten side effects.
Your Stomach Makes Sounds Like Whales Humping For A Few Days
The first few days into the challenge, about an hour or so after my low-cal breakfast, anyone within a 15-foot radius at my office could hear the grunting and sometimes screaming of my stomach. It's used to about 800 calories per day before lunch, so this was obviously a cry for help.
You Eat Like Gollum When You Are Finally Allowed To
When I got home after the first day of the challenge, my dinner menu included 1/2 of a banana. I literally peeled it while hunched over the garbage can and ate it like a ravenous ape. And I don't even like bananas.
You Are Easily Tempted By Any And Every Food Advertisement You See
It doesn't matter if you are home on the couch watching TV or out for a jog, if you see an ad or sign for food, you immediately want to make a beeline for it. This especially rings true for Taco Bell for some reason, and the drive home from work at night is the absolute worst. Keep your eyes on the road and go home to eat your salad, you pathetic hungry idiot! (That is what I yell at myself quite often.)
You Become Crazy Competitive With Yourself
After a few days, when the hunger pangs subside and you've learned to avoid tempting foods, you actually start getting excited about how few calories you've been eating. Then, you start trying to beat your own daily records for dieting and calories burned during exercise. It's probably not good for you to go too extreme, but you're not going to win that sweet cash without living on the edge, right?!
You Get Jealous Of The Other Participants
One of my buddies who is also doing the weight loss challenge caught the flu the second week of it. He informed me that it was horrible and he lost seven pounds in two days. Instead of being concerned for his well-being, I was super pissed because I had only lost two pounds at that point. I'm an awful friend.
You Become One Of "Those People" Who Talks About Dieting And Eating Healthy
I used to think there was nothing worse than listening to health nuts spout off nonsense about superfoods and metabolism boosters, but now I can't help myself to join in. I'm not sure if it's because I really want to win this challenge or because I'm genuinely interested in this stuff now. What is happening to me?
You Feel Like You Are Going To Puke Randomly
This might not be common for everyone, but it sure has happened to me. Maybe it's the shock of regular exercise to my body, or the fact that I haven't eaten this much green stuff in my entire life, but sometimes I feel a quick wave of nausea hit me and I have to take a second to compose myself. Then everything's cool. My wife says it could be alcohol withdrawals, but she's crazy.
But You Feel Better Overall
I hate to admit it, but a after a few weeks of abstaining from soda, chocolate, deep-fried food and beer, I feel pretty great. I am sleeping better, I have more energy and I'm definitely a lot less gassy. You may be thinking, "Jesus, how gassy were you before?" The answer: incredibly gassy.
You Get Angry About Not Being Able To Drink
Despite how good you are feeling, you still have nights where you curse the gods because you just want to relax and watch the game while crushing a six-pack. Instead, you have to replace that beer with a Vitamin Water Zero and that stuff tastes like shit. Unless, of course, it's a cheat day...
You Fucking Cheat
And it feels so good when you do. Cheat days take on a whole new meaning when you've been eating kale and rice cakes for snacks all week. You don't even realize how much you miss certain treats -- like a simple cup of vanilla ice cream -- until you almost cream your shorts after having a bite during a weight loss challenge. However, as with all cheating, you feel horrible after you do it and you're going to have to exercise until you almost puke tomorrow.
Remember when Sports Illustrated posted a picture of Ronda Rousey and her ass and everyone lost their minds? Awesome, so do we. And Ronda is back to make you lose your mind as she let SI paint her body once again.
The official photos can be seen when the SI Swimsuit 2016 issue hits the stands on February 15. Then you will then be able to see them on Twitter when thousands of creeps post them. For now, have some of these previews pictures that were taken when Ronda was frolicking on the beach for SI. That's right, frolicking.
It's always nice seeing cheaters get caught in the act and then called out, but it's even nicer when the cheater that is being called out happens to be a tool who thinks it's OK to pop the collar on a polo.
The woman in the video found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with another woman. But instead of going loco on his lover, she reached out to her and together they decided to humiliate him more than he humiliated himself by his fashion choices. Check out the video below:
Looks like those two women got out of a bad situation just in time because this guy pretty much seems like the next person you're going to see on a wanted ad for murder. Those are some cold, dead eyes he's rocking.
A book is only as helpful as your willingness to read it. That's kind of the bullet point of the following forward from this SAT study guide. Well, that, and life is pretty bleak and miserable if you don't study like you're supposed to. We won't go into detail here, but that's only because it's spelled out so accurately below.
On the other hand, it does say you will become a mediocre professional bowler, so that's pretty sweet.
69-year-old Susan Sarandon dominated the red carpet last night at the 2016 SAG Awards. (I'm sure there's a sag joke to make, but we here at Mandatory are above such low-brow humor.) "The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe" nominee became the first grandma in history to evoke the word "sexy" while wearing a pantsuit. If you don't believe that's possible, I present these photos:
And just in case you think we're the only creepy pervs ogling a grandma, we'll let Oscar-winner Kate Winslet have the last word on how good Sarandon looked last night.
Today's funny photos are here to soothe your mind and body after you probably did some horrible things to both over the weekend. So take it easy. All you have to do is scroll and laugh and quitting time will be right around the corner.
I have yet to meet a person who doesn't like Mario Kart. From its inception on Super Nintendo to the latest iteration on Wii U, Mario Kart has always been a classic for guys and girls alike. For some reason, we love the idea of putting each other's relationships to the test by deliberately smashing each other on deceptively colorful tracks with the goal of watching our selected racer cruise to the top of the podium.
A big determining factor for our rank on the podium is how well we use the items available on the track. And based on the items available for Mario Kart 64 (arguably the best of the collection), these are how its 13 items rank in terms of effectiveness.
13. Banana
The only thing worse than receiving a banana when the lottery box spins above your racer is – no, there's actually nothing more disappointing than that. It is, without question, the least desired item of the bunch. For starters, slipping on one doesn't even stop racers in their tracks, (you just kind of spin out while moving forward) and on top of that, they're easily avoidable.
12. Fake Item
Fake items are best used when strategically hidden within a lineup of real items. If you choose not to do this, the item is too obviously fake and becomes useless – only an amateur would collide with it.
11. Green Shell
Best for blocking an incoming red shell, the inferior green shell is best utilized for defensive purposes. When opting to go offensive, the green shell is only advantageous when another cart is directly in front of you, as green shells require expert aim to actually collide with another racer.
10. Triple Mushrooms
A speed boost is nice in any race, but these mushrooms don't do much, and if used when turning a corner, you're probably going to end up on rougher terrain, nullifying your speedy advantage. Ultimately, triple mushrooms is neither advantageous nor disappointing, and are gotten rid of before the next (hopefully better) item becomes available.
9. Banana Bunch
As a racer with a banana bunch tailing behind you, you're a roaming road hazard to everybody. Whether you choose to keep them behind you as a tail for somebody to slip on if they follow too close, or you unleash six unavoidable banana peels that stretch across the track, the banana bunch is a disappointing item only because they aren't effective at harming racers in front of you.
8. Boo
Boo is a gamble, which is why it's not a top-ranking item. Boo is only effective if you steal an item that's of use to you – which is rarely the case. Invisibility is another advantage of Boo, but only for avoiding incoming items; you don't move any faster or boast any other aid or advantage.
7. Triple Green Shell
The triple green shell is a mostly defensive item that effectively protects your racer from incoming items – as long as there's three. It can also be used offensively if you choose to deliberately run into somebody trailing closely behind you, or shooting somebody directly in front of you.
6. Red Shell
Just as effective offensively as it is defensively, the red shell tells the driver in front of them that they're in for a lot of hurt. The only disadvantage to the red shell is when it's shot near a corner, the shell can come in contact with a wall instead of another racer. But that's just being sloppy.
5. Super Mushroom
The super mushroom is the best, most generous of all speed-related items, but it's greatest disadvantage is that it overrides your chances at snatching another item at the next opportunity.
4. Spiny Shell
No matter what your ranking happens to be, the spiny blue shell will seek out the lead racer and destroy everybody on its path. While you usually only get the spiny shell when you're falling ridiculously far behind, the spiny shell offers first-place aspirations, and sometimes when a race really isn't going well, that's all you can ask for.
3. Triple Red Shell
The red shell is already a fantastic item to receive; now you have three. Keep them in your arsenal and unload when you're close to the finish line to really piss your buddy off.
2. Thunderbolt
The thunderbolt is the ultimate offensive item. Not only do you shrink all racers to an eighth of their original size causing them to move extraordinarily slow, but you also get to drive over and crush them like tiny ants. You feel powerful. If used strategically, you can strike strike when a racer is turning a sharp corner, throwing them completely off track and out of the running.
1. Super Star
With the super star, you're literally untouchable. If that wasn't enough, you're faster than any racer on the track as well – no mushroom comes close. Receiving the super star item is, essentially, winning the Mario Kart item lottery.
Super Bowl victories and riots seem to go hand in hand these days almost as much as Johnny Manziel and poor decision-making. And the craziest thing about it is that the drunkest and most destructive riots seem to come courtesy of the fans whose team won the game.
We suggest you grab yourself a few brewskies and a crappy plate to throw against the wall as we take you through the wild ride that is the 10 drunkest Super Bowl fan riots of all time.
Steelers fans rip up the streets of Pittsburgh after Super Bowl 40
On February 5, 2006, the Steelers beat the Seahawks 21-10 in one of the dullest Super Bowls ever played. Making things even worse? You guessed it: They played the game in Detroit.
It marked Pittsburgh's fifth Super Bowl win and its first in 26 years. That meant for many fans, it was the first time they got to see their beloved team hoist the Lombardi Trophy, and maybe that's why they took to the streets afterward and flipped cars, lit shit on fire and destroyed parking meters.
The next morning sucked for several local businesses whose signs were shredded or ripped down in the chaos and for those car owners who, well, no longer had a working automobile. But you'll soon find out that Steelers fans were just getting warmed up.
Broncos fans celebrate the franchise's first Super Bowl title by destroying Denver
Before January 25, 1998, the Denver Broncos had appeared in four Super Bowls, and they were nothing short of huge piles of cow shit in all of them. But that all changed in Super Bowl 32 when they defeated the defending champion Green Bay Packers 31-24 despite the fact that they entered the game as an 11-point underdog.
More than 10,000 drunk fans took to the streets to "celebrate" afterward by flipping cars, hanging from guide wires, lighting bonfires in the middle of the road and looting. The police eventually broke up their precious little field trip by releasing tear gas. Great times.
Drunk Seahawks fans rip up Pioneer Square after Super Bowl 48
Nothing says team spirit like going to Pioneer Square and causing roughly $25,000 of damage to a 100-year-old glass archway known as the Pergola. Or at least that's the way the "12th Man" saw things after their beloved team curb stomped the Broncos 43-8 on February 2, 2014. So many drunk fans climbed on top of the structure that at least 20 glass panes valued at more than $900 each were damaged.
Other Seahawks fans near the University of Washington campus burned couches in the street and threw beer bottles at responding police officers. Another moron fired a gun in the air and then tried to ditch it as cops chased after him. And it was all because a team that calls Seattle home won a football game.
Patriots fans riot on UMass Amherst campus following Super Bowl 46
More than 1,500 students "gathered in the main residential part of campus" to fight, throw beer cans and toilet paper rolls and chant "USA! USA!" on February 5, 2012, but what really made this riot different than the others is that it came after the Patriots lost to the Giants.
13 students were arrested, and police were forced to use smoke bombs to get the rest of them out of there. One student said the last time she witnessed something like that was the day Osama bin Laden was killed. America.
Ravens fans riot in Fells Point after Baltimore wins Super Bowl 47
After living near Baltimore for almost a year, I learned two important things about Fells Point. First, it is the best place in town to watch a Ravens game, and second, women there enjoy having unprotected sex.
Well, after their beloved team upset the 49ers on February 3, 2013, thousands of drunk fans left their favorite drinking establishments and flooded the streets of Fells Point, and it didn't take long for cheering and hugging to turn into ripping down street signs and lights.
Hell, this video was taken by some drunk asshole who decided to climb a tree and take it all in. And yes, it it confirmed at the 5:02 mark that he is indeed an asshole when he yells "Tear that shit down!" to the douchebag on the street trying to rip down a streetlight.
In other parts of Baltimore, a 7-Eleven was looted and cars were tipped over. And things got even crazier two days later at the parade when a 15-year-old kid was stabbed. No word if Ray Lewis was ever considered a suspect.
Dallas Cowboys parade after winning Super Bowl 27 turns into absolute chaos
Nearly 400,000 Cowboys fans, some of whom had to be absolutely hammered, packed the streets of Dallas days after the Cowboys beat the piss out of the Buffalo Bills 52-17 in Super Bowl 27. But after the parade ended at City Hall, Dallas fans started beating the piss out of each other "for no apparent reason."
A WFAA reporter said that in his 30 years in the business, he had never been in more fear of his life than on that day, as people vandalized and looted stores, threw bottles at other fans as well as police officers, mugged innocent bystanders, fired guns and stabbed human beings.
Based on that, it sounds like Jerry Jones has done everybody a huge favor by running that team into the ground over the last 20 years.
Out of control Patriots fans riot in Boston after their team wins Super Bowl 38
The New England Patriots had won the franchise's first Super Bowl just two years earlier, but you wouldn't have guessed it based on the way their fans lit garbage fires all over the Boston after Tom Brady and Pats edged the Carolina Panthers 32-29.
Thousands of people swarmed the streets, and firefighters were forced to use their firehoses on a number of them in subfreezing temperatures just to get to the fires. Several cars were overturned, but unfortunately one of them wasn't an SUV with a drunk driver behind the wheel. That dude wound up killing another dude when he backed into him and then sped off. Wicked awesome times, brah.
Raiders fans riot after team gets blown out in Super Bowl 37
Of course, a list about rioting and crime wouldn't be complete without mentioning Raiders fans, although they surprisingly only make one appearance on this one.
Former Raiders head coach Jon Gruden really threw it in his old team's ass on January 26, 2003 when he destroyed them to the tune of 48-21. Oakland Police Chief Richard Word told reporters when it became evident the Raiders were going to lose, he didn't anticipate people would fill the streets to "celebrate," but he must have briefly forgotten that these were Raiders fans he was talking about.
Hundreds of people took to the streets and taunted police by yelling, "Raiders rule. Fuck the police." And it was probably right around that time when police decided it was a good idea to use rubber bullets, flash-stun grenades and tear gas to get them the hell out of there.
In all, about 80 Raiders fans were arrested that night for public drunkeness and other fun stuff like burning out an auto-repair shop, destroying a McDonald's and lighting fires in the street and then posing in front of them for the media.
The Steelers win their sixth Super Bowl and fans take their riot game to the next level
Thousands of people littered the streets of Pittsburgh again after their beloved team knocked off the Arizona Cardinals in stunning fashion in Super Bowl 43. When the sun rose the next morning, Steelers fans had turned many parts of their great city into a giant shithole thanks to fires, vandalism, overturning cars, fighting, looting and other stupid shit you do when you get hammered.
City officials said law enforcement had to respond to more than 400 emergency calls and arrested more than 100 people, and they estimated the riots caused more than $150,000 worth of damages, making it the second-most costly Super Bowl riot in history.
Broncos win their second consecutive Super Bowl and fans once again destroy Denver
The costliest Super Bowl riot of all time came courtesy of drunk Broncos fans who apparently lit fires and then ran through them and somehow considered that a form of celebration after Denver won their second consecutive Super Bowl on January 31, 1999.
Roughly 1,000 drunk fans left downtown bars to rip shit up with their comrades in the streets. There they collected early editions of local newspapers, but instead of saving them as souvenirs, they used them to start bonfires. They also overturned cars, broke windows and ripped down street signs. By the time police broke it up with tear gas, the riot had caused more than $160,000 worth of damages.
The moral of the story after reading this? You guessed it: Don't park your car on the street when your local team is playing in the Super Bowl unless you really need that insurance money to pay for rent.
Cop shows keep us glued to our sofas nowadays. Whether we're bathing in the beautiful oblivion of another SVU marathon or infatuated with the forensics of one of the CSIs, TV has turned us all into avid followers of the fictional men and women in blue. Back in the 80s however, it was a different kind of crime fighter who dominated the airwaves. Be he a hard-nosed loner or a devoted duo or whatever the combination, the private eye was that decade's most celebrated hero. Murderers, kidnappers, and crooks were no match for the various sleuths set upon their trail during one glorious hour of television. Here were rank – individually, paired, or in groups – the most memorable private detectives of 80s TV.
#10 - Cody Allen, Nick Ryder, and Murray "Boz" Bozinsky, "Riptide" (1984 – 1986)
Capitalizing on the popularity of successful dramas like "Magnum PI" and "The A-Team," NBC attempted to combine the two with "Riptide" with a dash of "Revenge of the Nerds" thrown in for good measure. Though it's not a product of originality by any means, it was created by Stephen J. Cannell, the prolific page-flinging Lord of TV Detectives. Two ex-army bros are joined by a four-eyed computer geek to operate a private detective agency out of a houseboat. And the cases they accepted go way beyond trailing cheating spouses. They were action-packed mysteries involving soaring helicopters, speedboats, and car chases in classic American rides. And breaking at the dawn of the computer age, they were aided by an accident-prone, homemade robot. Like the 80s itself, "Riptide" was fast, explosive, tech savvy, and a little dopey.
#9 - Mike Hammer, "Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer" & Spin-Offs (1984 – 1988)
The truest True Detective on our list, Mike Hammer was the brainchild of renown crime novelist Mickey Spillane and appeared in the author's first novel near the end of the 1940s. Hammer was distinguishable from his fictional contemporaries Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe in temperament and style. While the others were hard-boiled and cynical, Spillane's creation was brutal and prone to violent rage in his quest to bring criminals to justice. The 80s saw Hammer transported into that decade's modern day, complete with fedora and wrinkled trench coat, and just as merciless and trigger-happy as his literary counterpart. Actor Stacy Keach was perfectly cast as the gruff private dick who brought the dames to their knees with his irresistible charm and crooks to theirs with his trademark Colt 45.
#8 - Rick and A.J. Simon, "Simon and Simon" (1981 – 1989)
Way before Ron Burgundy ever attempted to keep San Diego classy, that job fell to two bickering brothers on the long-running CBS series "Simon and Simon." Well, technically, only one Simon held up that mantle -– the other wore a cowboy hat and lived on a landlocked boat. The Simons were polar opposites and the opposing styles and sibling rivalries that reared their heads as they set out to solve crimes was the amusing premise of the show. Rick was a Vietnam vet with street smarts and a love of pick-up trucks who marched to his own drum. AJ was an intellectual with refined tastes who played by the rules. The chemistry between the two and the reliably 80s mystery plot lines kept the family feud going throughout the entire decade.
#7 - Jonathan and Jennifer Hart, "Hart to Hart" (1979 – 1984)
Yes, this duo officially began their TV run in the 70s, but as their superlative credit sequence proves, this ABC drama is quintessential 80s. In a nod to Dashiell Hammett's legendary fictional husband and wife private detective team, Nick and Nora, "Hart to Hart" followed an amorous, wealthy, high society couple whose jet set lifestyle would always collide with nefarious crimes that needed solving. Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers were perfectly cast as the amateur sleuths whose successful careers would often take a backseat to another pesky mystery at hand. Luckily there was always help behind the wheel – their houseman Max, who each week memorably reminded the audience how hard it was to look after the glamorous couple explaining, before the theme music would kick into full gear, that "when they met... it was murder."
#6 - Michael Knight, "Knight Rider" (1982 – 1986)
Simon had his brother, the Harts had their butler, the "Riptide" guys had their robot, but perhaps the most awesome 80s TV private eye partner was a high tech Trans Am with the voice of a gentleman. "Knight Rider" crashed onto the scene early in the decade and no one's life has really been the same since. Before donning his red lifeguard shorts, David Hasselhoff rocked a red turtleneck and leather jacket as a crime fighter brought back from the grips of death, reconstructed with plastic surgery to make him look like an improbable German rock 'n' roll god, and paired with an artificially intelligent car. At least one half of this duo was intelligent.
#5 - John "Hannibal" Smith, "Howling Mad" Murdock, Templeton "Faceman" Peck, & B.A. Baracus, "The A-Team" (1983 – 1987)
More Stephen J. Cannell, more Vietnam vets, more high-flying helicopters, more car chases, though this time they usually involved a van driven by Mr. T. People will argue that this foursome (sometimes accompanied by a fifth forgettable babe that didn't quite fit in) were mercenaries and not private eyes, but when it comes to the A-Team, why argue? Like all the others before and after on this list, Hannibal, Murdock, Face, and B.A. were good guys just trying to bring about a little justice on behalf of innocent victims. Here however, justice took the form of explosions, weapons of war, and showering bullets that never seemed to hit anyone. 80s audiences ate it all up heartily, loving it when all their plans came together.
#4 - Remington Steele and Laura Holt, "Remington Steele" (1982 – 1987)
As you can see this list is dominated by men. In Hollywood, the role of private eye seems to require a set of XY chromosomes. Not only is that pretty much the premise of "Remington Steele," but the series' real life conception as well. On TV, female investigator Laura Holt cannot nab any clients because of her gender. People needing a detective, she surmised, were only comfortable with the assurance given off by a man. So she created a fictional male superior to name her agency after and the cases began to pour in. So did a dashing con man who claimed to be the man she herself made up and the two began to solve mysteries together. In real life, NBC was pitched a female-driven private investigator series but the suits insisted such a show needed the assurance given off by a man instead. Art imitating life bearing a great NBC drama with what would have been the best example of sexual friction between an 80s detective duo had our #2 spot never come along.
#3 - Jessica Fletcher, "Murder, She Wrote" (1984 -1996)
The theory that a man makes a better private eye, in reality and fictionally, was obliterated in 1984 as Jessica Fletcher stepped onto the TV landscape. As the wildly perceptive, level-headed mystery writer turned recurring investigator, Angela Landsbury's wildly popular "Murder, She Wrote" ran the longest of any of the shows mentioned on this list and was the only one here to make it out of the 80s (and well into the 90s.) Though her sleepy, idyllic coastal Maine town of Cabot Cove in that time span procured a murder rate that would rival most of the country's most dangerous cities – with fans beginning to wonder if Jessica wasn't offing the victims herself – she always saw what the authorities couldn't and brought the perpetrators to justice. Our private eyes so far have been cool, suave, tech savvy, or rough. Jessica Fletcher was none of these things. Just a smart, confident, calculating middle-aged woman and audiences couldn't get enough of her.
#2 - Maddie Hayes and David Addison, "Moonlighting" (1985 – 1989)
Though "Die Hard" made him a bona fide superstar, it was "Moonlighting" where audiences originally fell in love with Bruce Willis. The ABC series was TV's first true successful dramedy and brought a groundbreaking style and humor to the private eye format. Maddie Hayes is stunned to find out one day that her accountant has made off with most of her money. What remains are failing businesses strategically set up as tax-write offs. When she enters one to announce its closure, slick, fast-talking bro David Addisson convinces her to keep and nurture it, and the Blue Moon Detective Agency is born. The crackling chemistry between Willis and Cybill Shepherd, along with outrageous scripts reminiscent of the best screwball comedies of the 30s and 40s, brought TV to new heights and made the pair the most fun detective duo ever seen on the small screen.
#1 - Thomas Magnum, "Magnum, P.I." (1980 – 1988)
But hands down, if there's only one 80s private eye – just don't call him that to his face – to mention, it's Thomas Magnum. The mustache, the Ferrari, the Detroit Tigers baseball cap, and Aloha shirts themselves are all you need to evoke the pinnacle of the decade and the genre. Tom Selleck, with his affable charm and GQ good looks, beneath the exotic Hawaiian backdrop elevated Magnum to a level attained by very few fictional TV characters. The mysteries were not the cleverest, scripts not the tightest, performances sometimes of "Love Boat" caliber. But audiences adored the entire package of freewheeling whodunits under the tropical sun. Here was yet another Vietnam vet with a chaperone who made the ladies swoon but had something undeniably special to set him apart as the most memorable TV private investigator from the 80s.
Aside from roaming around on a hoverboard before it sets itself on fire, vaping is usually an activity that a lot of tools partake in. But it's suddenly not a douchey activity at all when one of the most popular actors in the world is caught doing it, especially in front of millions of people watching.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn't bring one of his many models as a date to the Screen Actor Guild Awards, instead he brought his vape pen and vaped away all night. Take a look at Leo looking like a Bond villain below.
While the SAG awards don't really get much attention, this caught the attention of the Internet and they went wild:
I saw The Revenant and it's amazing they were able to capture such beautiful tracking shots while also CGI-ing out Leo's vape pen.
Time to make my mom proud again by telling you folks about a guy who discovered that his roommate was basically hording his post-masturbation tissues in a bin. In fact, he hid them for so long that penis-shaped mushrooms grew on them. Well, now you have to read.
A Reddit user thought it would be a smart idea to gross out the Internet by posting the image below and explain that his roommate's pleasure tissues grew mushrooms on them. And oh yeah, they even look like penises in what has to be the worst job of hiding evidence ever.
For those who have weak eyes, let's take a closer look at this:
The image seems to come from Indonesia, and the Reddit user behind the image included more information on this gross picture.
So one male friend was afraid that his other male friend might know he masturbates. Here's a piece of information for everyone: if you have a pulse chances are you've enjoyed yourself. A lot. And chances are people know.
Some things don't stay hidden for long and sometimes the evidence shows itself. And yeah, sometimes it's penis-shaped.
It's not everyday that two attractive, famous women tell you to unbutton your shirt, but one reporter was told that during an interview with Leslie Mann and Dakota Johnson.
Chris Van Vliet, a Canadian radio and TV host you didn't know about yesterday and won't care about tomorrow, got to interview Leslie and Dakota about their new movie "How to Be Single." But instead of asking typical questions that will further convince your girlfriend that this is a movie she will drag you to, Chris instead got bombarded by two horny women.
I once interviewed my 74-year-old neighbor for a school project but I didn't get the same attention from her. It's a bummer, really.
Dates are awkward, there is no way around that. And we've all done or said something that has us cringing later in bed as we continue to think about it until our neighbor yells to "shut up." But even with that, you probably haven't done something as awkward as what some of the people below did on dates. Here are 15 of the most awkward things people have done on a date, thanks to good old Whisper.
I'm sure I have a few things in common with middle-aged moms, but one thing I know we have in common for sure is how we act when we hear a Nicki Minaj song. Let's take a look at how one mom reacted when she heard Nicki's song "Only" for the first time.
I guess mom isn't a fan of the lyrics, "If I did I menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake."
Sure, when you're young it may be quite embarrassing to give your dad a hug in front of people. But when your dad is Ted Cruz it's downright terrifying to have that man desperately trying to embrace and plant a kiss on you. Take a look at this awkward, attempted hug.
Let's just say that little girl represents much of America and its feelings towards Ted. And let's also say this look is how Ted feels about his chances now.
You don't have to wait until February 15 to see Ronda Rousey hanging out on the beach in just a painted-on bathing suit in the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, because just as I figured, pictures of the photoshoot have leaked for your viewing pleasure.
Take a look at some secret pictures that were taken by creepy photographers hiding out in the bushes.
Have you ever been shopping for a futon at IKEA with your girlfriend and you accidentally summoned an ancient evil spirit? Sure. We've all been there. But the real question is, do you think you can tell the difference between the name of an IKEA product or an evil spirit from the Necronomicon? Well, now's your chance to finally find out!
1.This guy is apparently the master of dark magicians and should only be summoned when no other spell will do. He's like Voldemort, I guess. (click here to return to quiz)
8. This is a spirit you don't want to piss off. He knows the length of any person's life as well as the lifespan of plants and demons. He's really good at math. (click here to return to quiz)
10.This guy has a magic wand and knows a secret name and number that he can't tell anyone. Maybe the number is 5? I don't know. Just throwing out a guess. (click here to return to quiz)
14. He's the most hated of all the ancient spirits and he's the master over snakes. That's probably why no one likes him. He's always bringing snakes around and making them do tricks and whatnot. (click here to return to quiz)
15. He's a spirit that knows how to make things grow. Seems like it's not a very useful power, but he can feed a lot of people at once. He also may or may not have been responsible for that Giant Land level in Super Mario Bros 3. (click here to return to quiz)
A couple of Australian dudes hanging out on a dock on Sydney's south side recently found out the hard way that going outside during a thunderstorm is a lot like thinking about going bareback with a prostitute: A bad idea.
Let's be honest: That's exactly how you would expect a couple of guys who almost just got incinerated by a bolt of lightning to react. They probably just had to turn the volume off when they showed the clip to their grandma.
