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- 03/10/16--12:53: _Fight Breaks Out On...
- 03/10/16--14:34: _This Lyft Driver Tu...
- 03/11/16--04:16: _Today's Funny Photos
- 03/11/16--05:24: _The Definitive Rank...
- 03/11/16--05:50: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 03/11/16--06:19: _Teacher Humiliates ...
- 03/11/16--06:20: _The Dirtiest Restau...
- 03/11/16--06:37: _Blake Lively and Ry...
- 03/11/16--07:25: _Prisoner Posts Trip...
- 03/11/16--07:50: _The Top 10 Greatest...
- 03/11/16--07:51: _Conan O'Brien Plays...
- 03/11/16--08:11: _Turned Down For Bei...
- 03/11/16--09:39: _Video: Guy Tries To...
- 03/11/16--09:50: _The 13 Biggest F--k...
- 03/11/16--11:06: _Woman On Splash Mou...
- 03/11/16--11:31: _Weird News: Dead Pu...
- 03/11/16--11:36: _Employee Creates Sp...
- 03/11/16--12:02: _Weird News: So Here...
- 03/11/16--12:37: _Weird News: Naked O...
- 03/11/16--12:38: _'Sesame Street' Cas...
- 03/10/16--12:53: Fight Breaks Out On Spirit Airlines Flight Over Loud Boom Box
- 03/11/16--04:16: Today's Funny Photos
- 03/11/16--05:24: The Definitive Ranking Of The Worst Places To Poop
- 03/11/16--05:50: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 03/11/16--06:20: The Dirtiest Restaurants In America
- 03/11/16--07:25: Prisoner Posts Trip Advisor-Style Review Of His Cell
- 03/11/16--07:50: The Top 10 Greatest Movie Sequels Of All Time
- 03/11/16--07:51: Conan O'Brien Plays 'UFC 2' With Conor McGregor
- 03/11/16--09:50: The 13 Biggest F--k Ups Of All Time
- 03/11/16--12:02: Weird News: So Here's A Guy With A 10-Pound Penis
- 03/11/16--12:38: 'Sesame Street' Cast Performs Bone Thugs-N-Harmony 'Tha Crossroads'
It's not like we needed a reason to not fly with Spirit, but this just reinforces our previous notions about the "airline."
According to Fox 5, a cross-country Spirit Airlines flight from Baltimore to Los Angeles Wednesday morning featured zero legroom, water and soda available for purchase and...wait for it...a mid-air brawl that was the result of a noisy boom box.
Thankfully, other passengers decided to take video of the fight with their cellphones instead of breaking it up:
The fight apparently started after two drunk women began blasting music on a boom box from their seats. When other passengers asked them to turn it down, they "refused and instead held the boom box in the air and waved it around."
No word if the women were blasting Coldplay through the speakers, but regardless of who it was, police greeted the plane when it landed at LAX Airport. Five ladies were allegedly pulled from the plane, but none of them were arrested.
In a related story, this is the first recorded fight over a boom box since the Clinton administration.
We're still unsure if this woman's flying privileges have been reinstated: Crazy Lady Gets Kicked Off Flight After Refusing To Put Her Dog In Its Carrier
If you're having trouble in the lady department, you might consider trying your hand as a Lyft driver. You wouldn't think it would be the case, but apparently women throw themselves at you like you're James Bond. Don't believe me? Well, then just check out the following text exchange after a female passenger "accidentally" left her sex toy behind with her driver. OMG, she's so embarrassed!!! Right.
To dust off an old chestnut -- that escalated quickly.
(via The Chive)
Was it the same girl?: Woman Too Busy Using Sex Toy In Traffic Crashes Into Van
Everybody poops. It's part of life. And usually, it's a relatively agreeable experience. But man oh man, when you get hit with a stomach rumble at the wrong time in the wrong place, there is no worse feeling in the world. With that in mind, let's rank the worst place to poop.
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
"Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life."— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 29, 2016
Back in LA who wants to make plans & cancel them & talk about rescheduling but never do then just like each other's FB post to keep it cool— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 29, 2016
Eddie Redmayne looks like the offspring of a Hollister model and a Scream mask— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) February 29, 2016
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.— MKupperman (@MKupperman) February 26, 2016
Tbt to when my fish that lived for 3 years died and I didn't have a picture with it so I made my mom take one pic.twitter.com/grA0FYFcRH— Ciara (@ciaraa00) February 25, 2016
some random dude just came up to my friend and i and asked us to heat up his honey bun... we gotchu fam pic.twitter.com/g5M1l3EPNK— ash (@ashleyakyol) February 24, 2016
Instead of new Facebook reaction emojis how about they just not give our information to advertisers and the government— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 24, 2016
I don't know if I would want to be accused of being a witch. That said, I wouldn't mind being thrown in a pond to drown— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) February 23, 2016
Bernie looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 24, 2015
It's all kicking off in the Thomas the Tank Engine reactions community. pic.twitter.com/zC7eUrssKn— MT PAGE (@theemptypage_) February 22, 2016
Zoolander 2 was like watching your dad get his ass beat for a long time— L-Boy (@TheMustacheMan) February 18, 2016
— james nielssen (@cool_as_heck) February 17, 2016
Son: I'll never get over her.
Dad: Son, there are plenty of other baes in the squad.
Son: [smiling through tears] You're right fam
Female OKC Thunder fan: "JUST SUCK IT UP, LEBRON!" pic.twitter.com/NTWAlM4e1J— Ben Golliver (@BenGolliver) February 21, 2016
JEB BUSH: May I come in?— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 21, 2016
GINNY WEASLEY: Of course.
MONICA GELLAR: Welcome to People Less Popular Than Their Objectively Worse Brother Club.
LADIES get u a man who can do both 🙌🏻🙏🏻😍😍— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) February 22, 2016
>picture of me wearing a shirt in the pool
>picture of me wearing a shirt in the shower
Jobs that sound way cooler if you have no idea what they are:— Sharla Tsweb (@eye_spyder) January 30, 2016
Johnny Depp takes on more ill-advised projects than a dad at Home Depot with something to prove.— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) February 16, 2016
when you finish that third footlong meatball sub pic.twitter.com/GI4YIt70TW— Subway WWExperience (@WWESubway) February 16, 2016
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
I know that studying for an exam is a drag, and staying up late drinking your face off and stuffing cold pizza down your food hole is the more appealing option. But if you're going to discuss plans to cheat on an exam, you should probably make sure the professor whose exam you plan to cheat on isn't sitting within earshot of you.
Check out what one professor did when she heard of one student's cheating plans. She posted the story on the What Prof Hears Twitter (a Twitter that seems to have been taken down), an account run by an anonymous history professor at USC, who will post some of the more salacious things overheard in her classroom.
Damn, Trish. Should have just paid some seedy kid for the answer key.
Via The Chive
These teachers know the feeling: Teachers Who Don't Give A Damn Anymore
QL's, Muncie, Indiana
Muncie residents have known that QL's was the spot for solid barbecue in town for generations, but in 2013 they got an unpleasant surprise after health inspectors audited the eatery and discovered some of the grossest food storage decisions ever made. Twenty-three different violations were discovered during the inspection, from mundane things like flies and rodent droppings to health hazards that were... a little more exotic. A shed behind the restaurant was full of rotting turkey carcasses, employees were throwing plastic bottles into the smoker that cooked the food, and chest freezers were full of maggot-ridden meat. The restaurant didn't even have hot water or working bathrooms! The city shut it down immediately for the owners to get their act together, and as of press time it seems like they have.
Prosperity Dumpling, New York, NY
New York City has more restaurants per square foot than just about any other place on Earth, so it's not surprising that some of them are dirty as hell. The warren of crooked streets and back alleys that make up Chinatown are especially fertile ground for the health inspector, and in 2015 one eatery pushed the sanitation envelope to the limit. Prosperity Dumpling was a popular spot that sold dumplings at a dollar a pop, but they were skimping on cleanliness and passing the savings along to the consumer. When a photo surfaced of three employees assembling dumplings in the rat-infested back alley behind the restaurant -- and not even wearing gloves! -- the Health Department swept in and closed them down for good.
Nicky's Chinese Food, Hyde Park, IL
Chinese restaurants are notorious for their somewhat lax food safety standards, and Nicky's might be the bottom of the barrel. This Hyde Park slophouse is famous for the incredibly low quality of their food and service. Delivery drivers have gotten in trouble for keeping the numbers of attractive customers and texting them later, and people dining in report staples and other foreign objects in the food. Most disturbing, however, are the reports from their Health Department inspections, which in 2014 reported literally hundreds of mouse droppings all over the kitchen floor and flies swarming in multiple areas.
Pizza Hut, Kermit, WV
Chain restaurants have a complicated relationship with hygiene, as evidenced by Chipotle closing stores all over the west coast after an E. coli outbreak. But patrons of a Pizza Hut in the quaint little town of Kermit, West Virginia, had a bad taste in their mouth once surveillance footage of the pizza parlor's kitchen leaked... no pun intended. The tape showed an employee walking over to the dish-washing sink, unbuttoning his pants and taking a piss into it -- the same sink used to wash kitchen utensils used to prepare food. Health inspectors closed the place down immediately and Pizza Hut's parent company confirmed that the location would never open again, so foul was the taint of urine on the public consciousness.
Mandarin House, Knoxville, TN
Here's another Chinese spot where health inspectors were flabbergasted by the insane levels of filth on display in the kitchen. When Knox County's health department headed to Mandarin House after a patron complained about getting sick after eating there, they weren't prepared for what they found. In addition to the usual screw-ups like improper food storage, they also found a colony of cockroaches swarming behind loose tiles in the dish room, chicken blood dripping down onto pre-fried food that was to be served to customers, and one employee cooking a piece of meat that fell on the floor. Thankfully they stopped him from serving it, but that's a pretty grim state of affairs.
Lucky River, San Francisco, CA
In some way I feel like I shouldn't have so many Chinese restaurants on this list, as they're such easy targets. But when something as horribly absurd as what went down at San Francisco's Lucky River goes down, it'd be a crime to omit it. In 2012, a passer-by pulled out their camera phone to document a restaurant employee taking huge slabs of meat and beating them against the filthy city sidewalk. When the health department came to investigate, the restaurant told them that he was just trying to defrost it. I know some people think using a microwave is unhealthy, but it sure beats rubbing ingredients on asphalt caked with old gum, cigarette butts and dog poop. The cook was fired, but the restaurant's bad reputation lives on.
Best Wings, Lawrenceville, GA
Most health departments use a 1-100 scale for grading eateries, with 100 being the standard that all should aspire to. Anything under an 80 is cause for concern, so you can imagine how locals in Lawrenceville felt when Best Wings pulled in a flabbergasting 35 in 2014. The multitude of violations laid down upon the restaurant included making tzatziki sauce out of expired sour cream, storing fully cooked meat with unwrapped raw chicken and serving it, and keeping mysterious containers of unlabeled chemicals in the kitchen and storage area. This wasn't the first go-round for Best Wings -- in 2013 they scored a nearly as bad 39.
China City, Opa-Locka, FL
Restaurant kitchens are, by nature, pretty cramped spaces. You want to have as much room for tables as you can, so owners have to squeeze every square foot. That means the chefs don't have a lot of breathing room, so when it's time to thaw out ingredients to be cooked, they have to be creative. The staff at China City in Opa-Locka (a Miami suburb) needed to get some chicken ready for the dinner rush but didn't have any space inside to thaw it, so they did what came naturally: left it out in the alley. Unfortunately for China City, that was the day the health inspectors paid a visit to follow up on an earlier rodent problem. Seeing loose chicken unattended in the alley is a big no-no, if you hadn't guessed. The restaurant took home 26 violations that day and had to close down to get their act together.
Red Flower Chinese, Williamsburg, KY
One common thread in these grotesque restaurants is the presence of things in the kitchen that just shouldn't be there. We can sort of understand roaches and mice -- those vermin have plagued humanity's food stockpiles since the dawn of civilization. But a Chinese restaurant in Kentucky went way outside the box in 2012 when customers spotted employees stuffing a bloody deer carcass into a trash can. They called the health inspector, who rushed to the scene and confirmed that one of the workers had stopped on his way to the restaurant to pick up a roadkill deer on I-75 and then brought it into the food preparation area to clean it. Needless to say, this insane breach of sanitary standards got Red Flower Chinese shut down immediately.
Mar Y Tierra, Lilburn, GA
We've shared some pretty dank numbers from restaurant inspections so far, but how low can we really go? One Georgia restaurant managed to pull a staggering 13 in 2008 (this page appears to have been taken down). Mar Y Tierra, a low-rent family Mexican place, was closed down immediately after an inspection that revealed dozens of health hazards in the kitchen. Some of the most egregious included a cooler covered in black mold, raw chicken being stored on top of fresh vegetables that were served without cooking, and multiple instances of sewage and waste water systems not working. The manager claimed he "wasn't aware" of Georgia's food service safety standards, which begs the question: In what state is black mold OK to serve in a burrito?
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds attended the state dinner for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada at the White House yesterday. This is usually not news we would cover, except that Blake Lively wore the dress you see below. The dress with the neckline that keeps plunging until it can plunge no more. And now all of a sudden we are very upset we were not also invited to the state dinner.
Contrary to popular belief, I have never been to prison, so all my knowledge about what it's like behind bars can be attributed to numerous seasons of "The Wire." But thanks to Christian Willoughby I now have a way better idea of it.
Here's what went down: Willoughby was locked up for a, according to him, misdemeanor, and he somehow sneaked an iPad into the cell with him at the Grimsby Police Station in the UK. With his iPad in hand, he managed to take pictures of his "room," and then went ahead and posted a TripAdvisor-style review of his cell.
Take a look at the photos Willoughby took thanks to his Facebook:
The Humberside Police are treating this incident as a security breach and are trying to figure out how Willoughby was able to sneak an iPad into his cell.
Hey, it's still bigger than a typical NYC apartment.
h/t The Lad Bible
Living the life: Prisoner Films Inside Cell Filled With Food, A Playstation, And TV
#10 - "Mad Max 2" (1981)
Also known as "The Road Warrior," this sequel to the 1979 low-budget post apocalyptic masterpiece upped the ante and made the franchise a true cult phenomenon. A young Mel Gibson, decades before any infamous anti-Semitic ranting, solidified his status as a burgeoning superstar by once again playing a solitary drifter compelled to become a hero. A highly influential second installment, this was an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride against the breathtaking backdrop of a desert wasteland. How influential was "Mad Max 2"? The equally action-packed reboot just cleaned up at the Oscars more than 35 years later, so that should say something about quality of the franchise.
#9 - "Bride of Frankenstein" (1935)
Filmmakers began producing sequels at the very outset of the medium's history, and the earliest on our list is the follow-up to 1931's "Frankenstein," which features perhaps the greatest movie monster ever brought to life. It's not uncommon in a second installment for a hero to get the girl, and in this instance, she has literally been dug up from the ground in the effort. "Bride of Frankenstein" may pick up right where the original left off, but it is no mere carbon copy. It has been lauded for bringing a combination of gruesomeness, satire and surrealism to masterpiece levels. This is the film that director James Whale is most famous for, and introduced a hairstyle to moviegoers that will live on for centuries.
#8 - "Toy Story 2" (1999)
Separate big screen misfires from Richard Pryor and Robin Williams may have convinced Hollywood that moviegoers were not engaged in the secret life of toys. Then came along an upstart animation studio that, upon the 1995 release of its first full-length feature "Toy Story," jettisoned that theory to infinity and beyond. The film, with the voice talents of Tom Hanks and Tim Allen leading a stellar cast, also changed the way cartoons were made in the digital age. The 1999 sequel "Toy Story 2" piggybacked on the original's success, yet confidently stood out as a fantastic film all its own. Great sequel rules applied here too: unique story, amped action and the introduction of solid new characters. It was a future classic all around that everybody seemed to want to have in their toy box.
#7 - "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" (2002)
Perhaps the most significant film trilogy in recent history, the "Lord of the Rings" franchise floored moviegoers with its epic tale of persistent light trying to overcome the powerful spread of darkness. It is the most intense recounting of an indecisive jewelry return ever put up on the big screen, hands down. "The Two Towers" faced the challenge of connecting the grandeur of the epic's beginning depicted in its first installment with the climactic conclusion of its third without possessing a clear-cut, open-and-shut story of its own. But the obstacles thrust in front of the characters and giant scope of its special effects-heavy battles gave it all the fuel it needed to shine on its own. And brightly it did shine, becoming only the fifth sequel in history to win cinema's highest honor -- an Academy Award nomination for "Best Picture."
#6 - "The Silence of the Lambs" (1991)
Surprisingly, yes, this Oscar winner was a sequel to 1986's taut, yet overly stylized, "Manhunter" starring a pre-"CSI" William Peterson as the original FBI proxy to tangle with Hannibal Lecter in the pursuit of a serial killer. And while its director, Michael Mann, may have predictably drowned in the decade's gloss, Jonathan Demme brought the steady hand of a true craftsman to his installment of the bestseller-adapted franchise. With the aid of Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins portraying film's most fascinating frenemies, "Silence of the Lambs" may have quickly grabbed the mantle of that decade's best. It was here that Lecter joined the ranks of the cinema's best, baddest villains and, though we probably wouldn't try his potluck offerings, he'd be one damn interesting dinner guest.
#5 - "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" (1982)
Some fans advise that when watching the "Star Trek" movie series, you should skip the original entirely due to its plodding pace and infamous decision to feature too much dialogue over action. For that reason, any positive response to a sequel would be considered an achievement. But great pains were taken to right the wrongs brought on by the first film. Out of that perseverance, "Wrath of Khan" -- like a terraforming shot to a lifeless moon -- was born. A total of six films populate the original "Star Trek" film franchise, but it is this 1982 sequel that is regarded as the favorite. Here, the filmmakers returned to what made the television series so great -- character relationships, action and moral philosophy -- and enlarged it to fit the big screen. "Khan" is credited with reinvigorating not only the film franchise, but the entire "Star Trek" universe that still lives on today. We remember two other contributions as well -- the boldly inspired selection and casting of its titular villain, and the inclusion of Captain Kirk's greatest scream ever.
#4 - "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" (1991)
The original was a low-budget sci-fi gem that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger to action hero superstardom and gave us the catchphrase, "I'll be back." In "Terminator 2," he was back in a big way, this time playing the protagonist out to stop a more advanced and agile cyborg bent on changing the course of history. Legendary director James Cameron was back at the helm again with a record-breaking $102 million budget at his disposal -- 15 times the size of the original's. The result was another smart, edge-of-your-seat roller coaster ride, but this time as giant as a nefarious corporation capable of eradicating all human life from the planet. Influential and engaging, "Terminator 2" is another shining example of a sequel done right.
#3 - "Aliens" (1986)
Ridley Scott is a hard act to follow. "Alien," his sci-fi horror masterpiece, was a cinematic breakthrough and throttled audiences with the unexpected convergence of two standard film genres. With its success, a sequel was decided upon almost immediately, but it would take several years for all the elements to come together. The most important of those elements was James Cameron, a young director recognized for his script for a new sci-fi thriller called "The Terminator," which was still in pre-production. Cameron, promised the director slot if his new film did well at the box office, wound up working on the script for "Aliens" and "Terminator" simultaneously. Continuing the story of Ellen Ripley, the franchise's renegade warrior, the second installment ditched the original's horror movie elements, remaking it as a war movie. Like Vietnam (fresh in that generation's minds), the film featured an army dressed in the most powerful weaponry of the time, which nonetheless turned out to be useless against the unpredictable nature of its foreign enemy. Fast and ferocious, "Aliens" spun off from a masterpiece to become another all its own.
#2 - "Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back" (1980)
It is truly amazing the impact the "Star Wars" saga has had on the world and the lives of its legion of fans. For them, each character, each sequence, is beheld as specially as a personal memento. Yet at the same time, each film's shortcomings have also been magnified over and over under the harsh microscope of decades-long scrutiny. The "Empire Strikes Back," however separates itself as being immune from all of that. It is a perfect movie showcasing beloved characters -- joined by a few new ones -- caught up in a solid, unpredictable, crowd-pleasing narrative culminating in some shocking galactic twists. "Empire" is not just the very best sequel the series had to offer, but perhaps the best Hollywood has ever produced, as well.
#1 - "The Godfather: Part II" (1974)
There are few films that have raised the bar so high that they are often considered the best that have ever been made. The 1972 film "The Godfather" is one of those -- an epic tale of a ruthless and cunning Italian-American crime family. Its pace, style and score were immensely influential, and its narrative contains one iconic film moment after the next. It would be hard to imagine that any attempt to make a sequel could reach the heights of such a significant original. But in 1974, writer/director/producer Francis Ford Coppola did just that, defying expectations with a second installment as engaging and illustrious as the first. "The Godfather: Part II" is simultaneously a prequel and a sequel, following the story of Don Vito Corleone's early rise to power and his son Michael's ascension as crime family ruler. Some argue that "Part II" -- the first film to designate a sequel in such a way and the first to win a "Best Picture" Oscar -- is superior to the original. We'll decline to weigh in on that argument now, acknowledging instead that it is indeed the best movie sequel ever made.
Even though Conor McGregor did lose to Nate Diaz last weekend, he's still one guy you wouldn't want to mess with. But Conan O'Brien had enough guts to go one on one with Conor -- on a video game. Check out Conan take on Conor on "UFC 2" in a new "Clueless Gamer" segment.
Conan should definitely become a UFC commentator.
This is more Conan's style: Conan's Hilarious 'Puppy Conan' Includes Puppy Sia And Puppy Donald Trump
Iskra Lawrence was once turned down by an agent because her hips were "too big." Well, that agent is looking like an idiot now because Iskra has just become the face of the lingerie line Aerie.
The 25-year-old continues to become more and more recognizable as offers continue to pour in. Check out some photos that the English model posted on her Instagram to mark her new role as the face of Aerie:
✨💕 what does confidence mean to you? I wanna know tell me below❗️👇🏼 here's what It means to me🎈🔑 Accepting who you are and realising you are perfectly imperfect. You are me at to be you, and you are a gift to this world. Knowing that perfect doesn't exist so loving your so called "flaws"... your back rolls, ⚡️⚡️ & 🐯 strips because you are good enough🙌 #iskralawrence #everyBODYisbeautiful 📸 @themagdalenaexperience for @simplybeuk
I highly doubt people will have an issue seeing more of Iskra in the near future.
h/t The Lad Bible
Yep, no problem at all: 'Plus-Size' Model Iskra Lawrence Shares Unedited Ass Selfie
It's always nice catching a total idiot on film.
Taxi driver Ralph Valletta was working his usual shift around Reading, Pennsylvania, when 18-year-old Victor Martinez-Herrera entered his car and pointed a gun at his head, and demanded money.
"Give me all your money man! Give me everything you got!" Martinez-Herrera yelled, in what is probably the most unoriginal lines ever to say while robbing someone. Valletta only hands over $11, as he had just started his shift, which only pisses Martinez-Herrera off even more. But what this idiot robber didn't know is not only was he being filmed by the camera mounted on the car's ceiling, but there was a cop right behind him.
Take a look at the total failed robbery below:
That gun turned out to be pellet gun, and Martinez-Herrera made that very clear to Berks County Deputy Sheriff Terry Ely when he approached the car, as Martinez-Herrera yelled "fake gun," put his hands up and got on the ground as ordered.
Ely flashed his lights after the car didn't move after the traffic light turned green several times.
The idiot who tried to rob the taxi driver now faces charges of robbery, terroristic threats and simple assault. He's also being held on $100,000 bail, and now has everyone laughing at him.
h/t Fox 43
Here's another idiot: Guy Arrested After Posting Bank Robbery On Instagram
Spare your affirmations, because they won't apply to these stories. If you've recently made a mistake, take comfort in knowing that it probably doesn't fall into the same universe as these doozies.
Man Chops Down World's Oldest Tree
Geographer and internationally renowned dumbass Donald Currey was studying pine trees in the Great Basin National Park when he got his tree corer stuck. He summoned the help of a park ranger, who helped him cut down the tree to remove the tool. Only later did he realize that it was the oldest living tree in the world, estimated at 4,900 years old.
Prometheus, as the tree was named, sprouted from the ground at the same time the written word was invented in Sumer. As Collectors Weekly wrote, "The Prometheus tree's felling made it doubly symbolic, as the myth of its namesake captures both the human hunger for knowledge and the unintended consequences that often result from this desire."
Baker Ignites Great Fire of London in 1666 (Destroying 80 Percent of City)
Thomas Farriner was a humble London baker who didn't properly extinguish embers in his oven one night. For the next three days, a fire raged throughout London, gutting 13,200 homes, 87 churches, and the livelihoods of 80,000 Londoners. Light from the fire could be seen more than 30 miles away. Farriner was asleep. However, after he was woken up and informed of the fire, he replied, "A woman could piss it out," and went back to sleep.
California Man Sets 2,000 Homes Ablaze
Sergio Martinez was a simple man who wanted to start a signal fire in the hope that he would be found. The novice hunter was lost in the dry hills of San Diego County, and he was growing dehydrated. So he lit a match and killed 15 people, injured 113, destroyed 2,820 buildings, and ravaged 280,278 acres in what would be known as the Cedar Fire.
For 11 days the fires raged, causing $27 million in damage. But Mr. Martinez would only have to spend six months in a halfway house and pay $9,000 in fines. By comparison, those Oregon ranchers who set a backfire to contain a forest fire, accidentally burning down a government-owned shack in the middle of the woods, are facing five years in prison (and $400,000 in restitution).
Boy Trips and Accidentally Punches Hole Through $1.5 Million Painting
A chubby Taiwanese boy was admiring Paolo Porpora's "Flowers" at a Leonardo Da Vinci-themed showing in Taipei when he tripped and fell onto the 350-year-old painting. His fist tore through the oil-on-canvas piece, which was priced at $1.5 million. The painting was insured, but the damage was permanent. Here's video of the little klutz.
Publishers Reject "Harry Potter"
In 1995, J.K. Rowling was living on welfare and struggling to get published. A dozen publishers had turned down her brainchild -- a little book about wizards and magic and Quidditch. "Four or five publishers turned it down, I think, and the consistent criticism was, 'It's far too long for children,'" Rowling told CBS News. As of today, 450 million copies of the Harry Potter books have been sold, giving J.K. a nice nest egg of about $1 billion.
Man Throws Away Hard Drive Containing 7,500 Bitcoins
Welshman James Howells bought 7,500 bitcoins in 2009 for virtually nothing. One day, he spilled coffee on his computer, so he disassembled the parts (including the hard drive), which he placed in a drawer. Fast forward to 2013 when he decided to toss out the parts. Howells realized only a couple months later that his computer contained $7.5 million worth of bitcoins. He rummaged through a South Wales landfill for months trying to locate it.
Inventor of the Smiley Face Didn't Copyright Design
Harvey Ball never considered it a fuck up. He died happy in 2001 at the age of 79, but he probably would've died happier if he had secured a copyright to his iconic smiley face in 1963.
The Guarantee Mutual Company of Ohio commissioned Ball with the simple task of creating something that would boost the morale of its employees. He spent 10 minutes designing the smiley face, and the company paid him $45. Almost 10 years later in 1971, two brothers Bernard and Murray Spain came across the design and slapped a copyright on it. The same year, 50 million were sold on buttons and various merchandise.
Record Company Turns Down The Beatles
A dumb dick by the name of Dick Rowe turned down The Beatles after an audition in 1962. He told manager Brian Epstein, "The Beatles have no future in show business." Rowe also believed that the little outfit from Liverpool wouldn't sell as well as Brian Poole and The Tremeloes, whom he gave a record deal to instead. Since that audition for Decca Records, the Beatles have sold 1.6 billion albums worldwide.
Heir Liquidates 1,428-Year-Old Family-Owned Business
Kongo Gumi was the world's oldest company. It operated from right around the time when the Roman Empire crumbled in 578 A.D. until 2006, when it was acquired by Japanese construction firm Takamatsu. The 40th and final descendant to be president, Masakazu Kongo, buckled under the pressure of shrinking assets and mounting debt until he was forced to sell the business. Centuries prior, it built Buddhist temples and rustic castles that remain standing to this day. But by 2004, its revenues were down by 35 percent, and Masakazu said "screw it." The oldest company in the world was no more.
PayPal Gives Man $92 Quadrillion
A PR executive out of Pennsylvania looked into his account one day to find $92,233,820,368,547,800. For a brief moment, Chris Reynolds had one thousand times the GDP of the entire planet. It could've been, bar none, the most catastrophic blunder of all time were it not for PayPal quickly correcting the error. When asked what he would've done with the money, Reynolds said, "I probably would have paid down the national debt."
Entrepreneur Sells Victoria's Secret for $1 Million
By all accounts, Roy Raymond's business was a success. Victoria's Secret opened in 1977, and within the first year made $500,000. Raymond opened six stores within the next five. But fears of nearing bankruptcy prompted him to sell the company for a mere $1 million. Within a decade, it was worth $1.9 billion and had 670 stores across the nation. Today, Victoria Secret has a net income of around $5 billion. Raymond tragically took his own life by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge in 1993.
Man Throws Away $110 Million Lotto Ticket
It 2010, a British man threw away a winning Euromillions lotto ticket that belonged to his wife. We're surprised there hasn't been a Lorena Bobbitt scenario since, because according to the wife: "I play every week -- I play the lottery, the Euromillions and the Thunderball -- but my husband takes the ticket off me and I don't see it again. That's why I always write my numbers down." At the time, it was the biggest jackpot in Euromillions history. Suffice it to say, the husband is probably chained in the doghouse for life.
On April 26, 1986, a nuclear plant in Ukraine experienced explosions. Within days, 200,000 people were being evacuated from the area. Recent research estimates that 985,000 people have perished since the disaster. The costs associated with the incident total an astounding $200 billion. Today, it is believed that 1.7 million Ukrainians still suffer from the consequences.
All Jordan Alexander wanted was for her husband, Steven, to join her on Disney World's Splash Mountain. But since he's a man and all we do is disappoint women, he refused to do so.
"It was hot and I was getting tired, but she really wanted to go on Splash Mountain and I had promised her earlier that I would go on it with her," Steven told local New York outlet WHAM. Jordan ended going on the ride, but she made sure to show Steven just how pissed she was while on the ride.
Take a look at the original photo from the ride below:
Let's go in a little closer and see that pissed-off mug:
After Steven posted the photo on Imgur for all to see, the Internet did what it does best and photoshopped the picture, creating even funnier pictures. Check out the best of them below:
Check this out: This Guy Is Currently Making The Most Hilarious Photoshop Pics On The Internet
The cigarette between his fingers was also a nice touch.
According to the Daily Mail, the family of a 26-year-old Puerto Rican man who was shot 15 times in a San Juan neighborhood last week decided to bypass a conventional funeral and prop him up in a chair with his eyes open instead.
Jesus Diaz Beato's family said he was a "happy and very active" person, so they decided to celebrate his life and untimely passing in the same manner. That meant decking him out in a sweet polo jersey, short khaki-colored pants and some fresh kicks, then propping him up in a chair while he held a cigarette in his right hand.
They then went the extra mile by keeping his eyes open as a "surprise."
Check out more from the funeral in the video below:
The best time to win an argument is when the other guy is dead: Kentucky Man Arrested For Trying To Dig Up Dead Dad So He Could Argue With His Corpse
Everyone works with someone who should be fired. It's that simple. But at the same time, no one wants to rat the person out or question their merits to a superior because that's just a shitty thing to do. Instead, the following employee decided to bide his time until his co-worker was inevitably canned with a spreadsheet of their excuse emails for a full year. Quite frankly, a list this long and pathetic would have only made me angrier, but in hindsight, it's quite entertaining.
Damn, he just got greedy around November/December. You can't do that!
Now, the Monday after the Super Bowl, on the other hand: 10 Excuses To Miss Work The Day After The Super Bowl Unrelated To The Super Bowl
We'll guess that this is the first time Lexington Steele has ever felt inadequate.
According to Mirror, a 45-year-old German man has been pumping so much silicone into his pecker that it now weighs in at 10 pounds, and that means Micha Stuntz's giggle stick is tipping the scales like it's an average-sized cat.
Oh, and it's also nine inches long and over five inches wide:
Stuntz said he's had four procedures done on his manhood so far, and they have left him feeling like he is no longer "trapped in the body he was born with." He added that he's now "ready to play" despite the fact that his enormous dick will prevent him from doing "some things in the bedroom."
Stuntz said the rest of his life is otherwise pretty normal. Well, except when he goes to buy pants or boxer briefs.
You can learn more about Stuntz's huge schlong in the Vice video below, although it's probably much more educational if you can speak and understand the German language.
No word if anybody who has sex with Stuntz must sign a waiver before doing so.
Get your penis stories here: The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
If you would have bet Gail Wilson a million dollars before last Saturday that a naked man would one day walk into her house, say hello and then fall off a cliff while he was being chased by cops, odds are she would have taken that bet.
And she would have lost.
According to the East Oregonian, that's exactly what happened to Wilson last Saturday as she sipped soup at her Pendleton home. It ended a short while later when officers were forced to rescue a naked Stephen Burton as he dangled from a tree at the bottom of a cliff.
"I thought, 'This is it, I'm going to be raped or murdered,'" Wilson said after the 30-year-old butt-naked man walked into her house. "I'd more or less accepted my fate. Today was my day. But I wasn't going to let him take me gently."
Suffering from muscular dystrophy, Wilson had to wait for Burton to get closer before she could push him away. After doing so, Burton then sat on Wilson's scooter for a few minutes before taking one of her dogs into one of her bedrooms.
God knows what Burton was doing to that poor pooch, but Wilson seized the opportunity and called 911. The operator asked Wilson to get the man's name, but when she asked him, Burton became mad and ran out of the house just as police arrived.
A short chase ensued but ended after Burton jumped a fence, fell down a cliff and got caught "hanging upside down from a tree by his ankle." He was arrested and charged with burglary, harassment, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
The only thing left to do now? You guessed it: Scrub the hell out of that scooter seat.
Here's a good "naked" story: Candice Swanepoel Poses Naked On The Beach For Victoria's Secret
I don't know what the hell I just watched, all I know is that I couldn't keep my eyes off it, so I had to watch every moment of your favorite "Sesame Street" characters performing "Tha Crossroads" by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
From Elmo to Grover to Cookie Monster and more, everyone gets involved in the song thanks to the video below done perfectly by YouTube user Is This How You Go Viral. Check it out:
See you at the crossroads, everyone.
Watch what you say on "Sesame Street": Watch Julia Louis-Dreyfus Curse On 'Sesame Street'