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- 03/28/16--07:29: _Little Girl Perform...
- 03/28/16--07:49: _Hot UK Teacher Fire...
- 03/28/16--07:50: _The Best Of The Mem...
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- 03/28/16--13:40: _Serial Rapist Watch...
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- 03/28/16--14:31: _Entire Irish Pub Si...
- 03/28/16--15:06: _This Waitress Tweet...
- 03/29/16--03:54: _Here's An Important...
- 03/29/16--04:12: _Today's Funny Photos
- 03/29/16--05:20: _The Only Wine Glass...
- 03/29/16--05:48: _The Top 50 Nickname...
- 03/29/16--05:50: _If You Do These Thi...
- 03/28/16--06:20: The Greatest Things Porn Has Done For The World
- 03/28/16--07:50: The Best Of The Meme History Meme
- 03/28/16--09:50: 12 Standup Comedians Who Deserve Their Own Show
- 03/28/16--09:58: This Is By Far The Most Disturbing Dating Service Ad Ever
- 03/28/16--12:51: This Moron Thinks Putting Her Phone In The Microwave Will Charge It
- 03/28/16--13:36: Bert And Ernie Perform Warren G And Nate Dogg's 'Regulate'
- 03/29/16--03:54: Here's An Important Blowjob Popsicle Question
- 03/29/16--04:12: Today's Funny Photos
- 03/29/16--05:20: The Only Wine Glass Guide You Will Ever Need
- 03/29/16--05:48: The Top 50 Nicknames For Your Penis
- 03/29/16--05:50: If You Do These Things On A Subway You're An Asshole
If you're going to have an argument with your significant other, the last place you want argue is on social media. And the very, very last place you want to argue on is on the National Geographic Instagram. But hey, go big or go home.
Check out the epic (and hilarious) fight that went down between Marc and Taylor on Instagram. And it all started with a beautiful humpback whale.
Now of course this is obviously just a big joke between the two, and we're aware of that, so no need to berate us and tell us how this is "clearly fake." Go look at some beautiful whales and calm yourself.
Via Hey Funniest
Here's how to make sure your partner never cheats on you: Woman's Idea To Keep Other Women Away From Her Boyfriend Is Very 'In Your Face'
Give America Wood
Free-smut monolith PornHub has a reputation for saucy public relations antics, and a few of them are even charitable. Take what they did for Arbor Day in 2014. One of America's less-loved holidays, Arbor Day celebrates the natural wonder of trees and encourages people to plant them. PornHub got in on the act by pledging to plant a single tree for every 100 "big dick" videos watched on the site in the week after Arbor Day. Yes, just by watching girls take wood, you could reverse the buildup of carbon dioxide and help slow global warming. Sounds like a pretty good deal.
Japan has a funny relationship with adult entertainment -- censoring naughty bits with pixel patterns while broadcasting ultra-gross tentacle hentai is just the tip of the iceberg. But a gaggle of Japanese adult video actresses stepped out on the town in 2014 to benefit the Japan Foundation for AIDS Prevention with a "squeeze-a-thon." For a donation, men could step up and squeeze the tits of their choice of nine different porn stars. The event has repeated in subsequent years, each time pulling in a sizable crowd who are willing to part with some cash to get a handful of mammaries.
Gay Marriage Support
There have been lots and lots of studies on what porn does to our brains, with less than conclusive results. The general consensus is that watching dirty movies isn't explicitly bad for you in moderation, and may in fact carry with it some unexpected benefits. One of those was revealed in a 2014 article in Communication Research. A team of scientists quizzed men on their porn intake and their support for same-sex marriage, and discovered a striking correlation: the more smut you watch, the more likely you are to support marriage equality. The theory is that opening your eyes to different kinds of arousal increases your empathy for other people, which is pretty awesome.
F*ck For Forest
Here's another naughty enterprise that's designed to give a little extra love to Mother Earth. Norwegian alt-porn site F*ck For Forest is a collection of hippies showing it all off, and all the money collected goes to rainforest preservation. Since the project started, they've raised over $300,000 for their causes, which is a pretty serious sum! Over 2000 people have donated their images and videos to the website, and if you're into hippies (especially pale Northern European ones), chances are you'll find something you like here. This is porn activism at its most primal and un-airbrushed, and kudos to the organizers for keeping it real in the 21st century.
Let's face it: Porn is a business, and the vast majority of the money that it makes goes into the pockets of big corporations. But what if porn could pay for charities? That's the concept behind Come4, which combines crowdsourcing and smut to fund worthy causes. Visitors can upload their own dirty content and link it to a charity. And 50 percent of the advertising revenue and donations brought in from that content, whether it be videos, pictures or whatever, go straight to that charity. It's a charming and clever initiative that repurposes wanking to help out the disadvantaged. The site is still in pre-launch, but they hope to get content up by the summer.
Save The Boobs
Let's check in again with our friends at PornHub for one of their most successful charity campaigns ever. We all love boobs, right? Meaty mammaries are made for nursing infants, but there's something about them that grown men remain interested in. In 2015, the company launched a "Save The Boobs" campaign to raise money for breast cancer awareness. For the month of October, they set aside a penny for every 30 "big tit" and "small tit" videos browsers watched, and they watched a lot of videos. At the end of the month, PornHub had $75,000 to donate to charity, and also set up a kiosk for free breast exams in New York City. That sounds a little suspicious, but we'll allow it.
Satire Of Public Figures
The First Amendment is one of the most important parts of the Constitution -- it's what gives us the freedom to write the crazy stuff we put up here without worrying about being shut down by prudes. And one of the most important rulings in free speech law came courtesy of a pornographer. When fire and brimstone pastor Jerry Fallwell sued Larry Flynt, publisher of skeevy smut rag Hustler, over a parody advertisement in the November 1983 issue that described him losing his virginity to his mother in an outhouse, the case went all the way to the Supreme Court. They ruled 8-0 that public figures can't sue for emotional distress from parody, opening the doors for satirists to do their jobs.
When you see injustice in the world, you fight it in any way you can. For Mike Kulich, that's making gay porn. The son of Russian immigrants owns Monarchy Distribution, a major distributor of man-on-man smut. Kulich is naturally concerned with gay rights in the land of his ancestors, and to make life better for LGBT people around the world he founded Boys Town Studios, a company that will make special films and donate the profits to a variety of nonprofits. Their first effort? "Put It In Putin," which depicts the president of Russia having a saucy tryst with his bodyguard.
We've all heard stories about young women getting into stripping or porn to pay their way through college. But what if we could fund some who didn't have to? In 2015, Pornhub launched their "Pornhub Cares" scholarship program, where they gave $25,000 to the student who came up with the best answer for "how do you strive to make others happy?" Prospects also had to have over a 3.2 GPA and be legally old enough to watch porn. The company got over a thousand applications, and eventually chose a young woman named MaryAnn Uribe to receive the first scholarship.
Yes, the Internet. In a very real way, the massive network that connects us all together exists because of porn. Sure, scientists and other geeks were using the World Wide Web in the '90s to exchange data, but when the time came to monetize going online, it was porn that led the way. Starting in the mid-90s, stars like Danni Ashe recruited geeks to figure out a way to charge credit cards over the Web. It wasn't until several years later that non-dirty enterprises caught on to the potential. Every time you make a purchase online, whether it's plutonium or pizza, you owe a debt to the men and women of porn.
While some of us may prefer our sports heavily protected with pads, or from the safety of our own living room as we watch on our TV, some people do things differently; like those that participate in the game of rugby.
You expect to see some bumps and bruises at any rugby game, but what occurred between the French Navy and the Royal Navy was more than a few bumps and bruises. Check out the video below to see the massive brawl that ensued between both sides at a game in the French city of Toulon.
No word yet on who started the fight, but a source states: "It kicked off a bit during the match, but they calmed down and the match was finished. They all went for a drink afterwards and there were no hard feelings."
Well, it's certainly different with how I handle the aftermath of fights: seven years of a silent treatment.
The French did go on to win the game. Not that you cared anyway.
Blame it on the mascot: Jerk Mascot Nearly Turns Idaho Basketball Game Into Massive Brawl
Move over David Copperfield, Criss Angel and David Blaine, the magic trick below is probably the greatest magic trick you will ever see; this one will baffle and astound you, folks.
Check it out below:
This little girl's magic trick! Lmao #ThugLifePosted by Knuckles on Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Someone get this girl her own show in Vegas.
Or maybe this is the greatest trick ever: Orangutan Has Hilarious Reaction To Magic Trick
Sorry, kid, blame mom for having your favorite teacher canned.
Gemma Laird, a 21-year-old year teaching assistant at Bloemfontein Primary school was fired out of nowhere after just a week on the job after some some parent with loads of time on their hands found pictures of her modeling lingerie. Gemma models for Lexi Fashions in her spare time, and apparently that will destroy the youth she teaches.
Gemma describes the encounter she had when she was called into the school's headmistress' office:
"She sat me down and said somebody had been on my Facebook page and discovered that I was doing modeling work. They had reported me for it," Gemma recalls. "I was told that they didn't want to damage the school's reputation and that people would lose respect for the school if they found out I was a model. Another thing she said was that some of the pupils have low self esteem, and she didn't want them to search for me on Facebook or Instagram."
I think every student's dad has lost respect for the school.
"She said she doesn't want her year six pupils thinking it is acceptable to be a model. She made me feel dirty and like I was a prostitute. It's ridiculous," the now ex-teacher adds.
The headmistress countered with this: "It was brought to our attention that images which were not appropriate and which did not comply with our expected standards had been posted on social media by a newly appointed apprentice."
Now, let's all kick back and wish we were in school again by checking out photos of Gemma below:
Model: Gemma Laird— Mayhem Boxing Babes (@MPBoxingBabes) June 13, 2015
Photography: Brian Hayes
Mayhem Team: Scotland pic.twitter.com/P9GPhY5IfA
h/t Bro Bible
This teacher is apparently a "porn star": Utah Middle School Teacher Is Being Accused Of Having A 'Pornographic' Instagram
"Drunk History" turned out to be a winning concept, as it just finished its third season on Comedy Central last November. So, the Internet being the Internet and all, they decided to take things a step further with #memehistory. Sure, most of them are Biblical references, but there's just something about a meme explaining some of the most impactful events in human history that really softens the blow. You'll see what we're talking about after a few.
This is still a thing, right?: The Best 'Netflix And Chill' Memes
Once an intern on SNL, Chelsea Peretti is quickly becoming "One of the Greats." That is, after all, the name of her Netflix special. In fact, fellow comedian Ralphie May didn't get the joke last month and accused her of being "ostentatious" and "disrespectful." No doubt this would've been the case save for Peretti being, well, a comedian. Her reaction to the Ralphie Twitter rant was simple, concise and one of the reasons she's on this list.
The "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" star and unanimously admired comedian is bound to take the reins with yet another Comedy Central show with "Chelsea" in the title. And well deserved. On a side note, her brother is the founder of Buzzfeed, so with a finger on the pulse of pop culture and connections up the wazoo, it's clear that Peretti has the unique ability to front a fresh, relevant and entertaining show.
Nate Bargatze is the most popular unpopular comic around. He's got so much Southern charm, it's basically oozing from his boyish, screen-friendly face. In 2012, he came out with "Yelled at by a Clown" -- a reference to his dad who worked as clown -- and it peaked at No. 2 on the Billboard Comedy Charts. The same year, he won the New York Comedy Festival and the Boston Comedy Festival.
If references matter in the comedy world, and they most certainly do, Bargatze has them handled. Marc Maron and Jim Gaffigan both gave him kudos in Rolling Stone and Esquire respectively, with Maron referring to him as a "comic who should be big." The Internet also cannot shut up with glowing mentions of his comedic prowess. Wait patiently for this ticking, twanging time bomb.
Brent Morin is a regular on the Los Angeles comedy circuit, often appearing at the Laugh Factory. The 29-year-old Morin recently came out with a special on Netflix called "I'm Brent Morin," but don't be misled by the lack of originality in the title. He has a fresh twist on dating, guyisms and various other foibles of twentysomething life. You might hear a bit of Bill Burr in his cadence and delivery, which to any comedy lover, is music to the ears.
Tom Segura is a handsome Zack Galifianakis who does a stellar black guy voice. But that's not all. His new Netflix special titled "Tom Segura: Mostly Stories" came out in January, and it's mostly awesome. He also does a podcast with his comedian wife Christina Pazsitsky called "Your Mom's House," which was chosen as a finalist at the Stitcher Awards alongside "The Adam Carolla Show," "The Joe Rogan Experience," and "WTF with Marc Maron."
If you want a taste of Segura's Louie CK-esque conversational style, check out his overdose story from Ari Shaffir's "This is Not Happening."
You might know him from SNL. You might've heard that his dad was a firefighter who perished on 9/11. But what you probably haven't heard is that Davidson is one edgy bastard (he'd appreciate my calling him a bastard, and that is why he deserves his own TV show). To wit, he threw perhaps the harshest zinger ever to happen at the "Comedy Central Roast at Justin Bieber": "I lost my dad on 9/11 and I always regretted growing up without a dad. Until I met your dad, Justin. Now I'm glad mine's dead." Political correctness is about to be dead, and if there's anyone to take the reins of the coming revolution, it's the young Davidson.
Since basically narrating "Cloverfield," TJ Miller has been ascending the ranks in not just the comedy world, but the showbiz world at large. The Denver native has a magnetic personality and an instantly recognizable voice, which may have something to do with his success of late. People like him, and for good reason; he's massively funny and made for TV.
What separates Moshe Kasher from the pack is his relentless energy. And his hairy arms. Seriously, if anyone can get kicked out of four high schools and write a 307-page memoir titled "Kasher in the Rye: The True Tale of a White Boy from Oakland Who Became a Drug Addict, Criminal, Mental Patient, and Then Turned 16," that person has to have an unending well of material ready for prime time.
Kasher is married to fellow comedian Natasha Leggero; he was named iTunes "Best New Comic" in 2009; and he has a Daniel Tosh-like arrogant charm that would fit nicely in between "Drunk History" and "Workaholics." Think "Important Things With Demetri Martin"... on crack. In 2013, it was reported that he signed a deal with Showtime to produce an autobiographical series, but it hasn't materialized, so here's to hoping he gets another shot.
Ever since Reggie Watts busted onto the scene with "Fuck Shit Stack," he's been making noise, quite literally, throughout the world of music and comedy. He currently leads the house band on the "Late Late Show with James Corden," leaving a coveted starring spot on IFC's "Comedy Bang! Bang!" for the gig. It's every comedy fan's dream to see his special "Why Shit So Crazy?" stretched to 10 episodes, so make it happen, suits.
Patton, get a show already! You're witty, hilarious and the cutest geeky munchkin around. In all seriousness, Oswalt is due. His smart, piercing critiques of modern society and pop culture are only rivaled by his deep knowledge of these subjects. His 2015 memoir "Silver Screen Fiend: Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film" and his starring role in 2009's "Big Fan" exemplify his artistic dexterity. It's time, Patton. We're waiting.
Sometimes the freshest faces are the most groundbreaking when it comes to TV (I refer you to Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla on "The Man Show"). Dan Soder -- odds are you haven't heard of him -- rises to the top with his impressive repertoire of impressions and superior likability. He's also one funny motherf--ker. You might've heard him on SiriusXM's "The Bonfire" alongside good friend Big Jay Oakerson, who would've been on this list if not for his new pilot. If you'd like a quick crash course on Dan Soder, check out his impression of ISIS Macho Man Randy Savage.
Kyle Kinane doesn't look the part, or act the part, but that's the part that makes him perfect for the job. Sporting flannel, a gruff voice, and a large ginger beard that in all likelihood has chips in it, Kinane has been a standup globetrotter since his days of opening up for Patton Oswalt and Daniel Tosh. He's a prolific guest on podcasts and has recently starred in a viral hit from Comedy Central's "Not Safe with Nikki Glaser."
Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Donald Glover announced last October that FX signed him to create his brainchild "Atlanta," a show about an artistic loner who travels back to his native Atlanta after thinking he failed to reach his dreams, only to learn that his cousin made it big in the local rap scene. Production for the pilot began in January.
As any fan of "Community" knows, it's thrilling to see Childish Gambino get back on TV. It appears "Atlanta" will be his magnum opus; Glover himself is from Atlanta and he wants it to be really good. If his success as a comedian, rapper, actor and writer is any indication -- especially at the relatively young age of 32 -- "Atlanta" will turn some heads.
You're always going to get mixed results when it comes to dating services. Some people will have positive experiences and find their soulmates, while others will have no luck at all and return to the bar scene again. But whoever comes across Hannah and her terrifying hobby will definitely not see the light of day again, as she will probably enjoy having them buried under her house.
I don't know what the hell Match.com was thinking, but this is one ad they decided to go with:
Mmm, nothing like a pair of emotionless eyes to really reel the fellas in.
But hey, Hannah shouldn't feel too worried that her hobby of nuking butterflies to death will keep the guys away. I mean, she already has one suitor on Reddit.
True love is everywhere.
He may have a shot, too: This Guy Created A Dating Profile Using Google Autocomplete, And It's Not Bad
I'm sure it's tough for most parents to watch their kids leave the nest (unless their kid is a piece of garbage). But while most parents expect a phone call or to Skype every so often with their kid while they are away, the mom below decided to do something a tad different when she received a cutout from her son.
Let's first take a look at the cutout her son who is studying abroad sent her:
And now here's how the mom is coping (rather well) with her son being thousands of miles away:
This mom would rather have the cutout: Mom Sends Bratty Son An Invoice That Has Gone Viral
In what is quickly becoming one of our favorite segments here at Mandatory, this week's "'Idiocracy' is Already Upon Us" case pits a young woman and her cellphone against a microwave. The phone's battery is only at 20 percent, and the young lady thinks she can charge it quickly by nuking it in the microwave.
Let's see how that works out for her:
"It's because I put two seconds."
No, it's because you put your phone in the f--king microwave, sweetheart.
Trying to nuke a glow stick in the microwave is also a brilliant idea: Absolute Moron Puts Glow Stick In Microwave And It Explodes In His Face
There is something oddly entertaining about watching puppets do classic rap songs. That's why it was amazing when the "Sesame Street" cast took on "Tha Crossroads" by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, and it's amazing now that Bert and Ernie have stepped aside to do their own song.
So thanks to Is This How You Go Viral, here are Bert and Ernie from "Sesame Street" performing "Regulate" by Warren G and Nate Dogg:
I'm really going to be disappointed if "Sesame Street" doesn't have a daily rap lesson for the kids.
Julia goes hard: Watch Julia Louis- Dreyfus Curse On 'Sesame Street'
There were no doubt many people in the Memphis area who were upset when serial rapist Kevin Jordan was released from prison nine years early because of "good behavior," but it looks as though the decision to do so may have resulted in saving taxpayers a ton of dough thanks to the mighty sword of karma.
According to the Daily Mail, the 55-year-old violent sex offender was hit and killed by a runaway trailer last week while he was watching porn on his phone as he walked down a street in the same neighborhood where he "terrorized numerous women in the 1990s."
Police said Jordan failed to see the runaway trailer careening toward him last Wednesday until it was too late, and it was probably because he was so zoned in on the smut on his phone. Dubbed the "Highland Street Rapist," Jordan had been out of prison since 2010 after serving just 16 of the 25 years he was sentenced to after pleading guilty to 20 felonies, including nine counts of rape, one attempted rape, four robberies and three burglaries.
Jordan was also arrested in 2012 for indecent exposure after he allegedly opened up his trench coat and began masturbating to "a woman who was looking out her office window."
Police said the driver pulling the trailer has not been charged. No word if they'll be issuing him some kind of reward instead.
Another example of karma hard at work: Female MMA Fighter Delivers Instant Karma To Would-Be Robber
There are some famous athletes out there who consistently make you shake your head and say things like, "Man, what an idiot." Sadly, UFC's Jon "Bones" Jones is one of them.
Jones, who has been in trouble with the law way too often in recent years, was pulled over for drag racing last week in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Luckily for us, the cop was wearing a body camera and caught the conversation between Bones and himself. Here is the heated exchange:
Part of me feels like defending Jones because he claims, according to TMZ, that he simply revved his engine to acknowledge some fans at a red light, and then drove away while staying under the speed limit. I can buy that. However, when you are a man who is currently on probation for a hit-and-run conviction as Jones is, you should probably play things cool when you are pulled over.
Calling a police officer a "f--king liar" and a "pig" is definitely not playing it cool. Nor is saying, "Let me talk." Let this be a lesson to the rest of you celebrity athletes.
Related: The 15 Worst Things To Do When You Get Pulled Over By A Cop
A 45-year-old Irish farmer who sadly succumbed to cystic fibrosis last week had perhaps the most uplifting and inspirational wake we have ever seen thanks to his friends and family who gathered at their local Irish pub.
Ger "Farmer" Foley passed away last week, but it appears as though his spirit and memory will live on forever thanks to this amazing footage from his wake at Falvey's Bar in Killorglin, County Kerry, where longtime friend Brian O'Sullivan decided to lead the entire pub in an emotional rendition of The Killers' smash hit "Mr. Brightside."
You can only hope your friends think as much of you as these people did of their deceased friend. Personally, I'm sending this clip to each one of my friends to make sure my funeral features at least one shirtless karaoke session and stage dive from Uncle Floyd.h/t Huffington Post
Entertaining in a completely different way: Let's Watch These Ladies Attempt To Sing 'Silent Night' While Riding A Sybian (NSFW)
A great rule of thumb is to never mix politics with the Internet in any capacity. Even if you are being lighthearted and everyone will surely know you are kidding around, hold your tongue and move on. Waitress Leisa Smith learned this the hard way after serving former President George W. Bush and lovely wife Laura and posting a tweet about the fat tip she received afterwards. It turns out you shouldn't always open with a joke:
According to Mic, Bush left Leisa a gratuity of $40 on a $21.47 bill, which pleased the young waitress very much. But apparently referencing a years-old meme on Twitter before expressing your sincere gratitude has its pitfalls. Namely, the horde of angry comments to follow:
@leisaiscool SURE you don't believe that "Bush did 911." Liar. You're so dumb that being a waitress is probably hard for you.— WashingtonDame (@Fantine21) March 28, 2016
Those were just a few choice comments, but you get the picture. Of course, Leisa never meant any harm or disrespect by her tweet. But obviously she had to make that a bit more clear. "I have a couple of friends that use the meme a lot and they were the only ones I was expecting to see the tweet. I was just trying to get a laugh out of my friends but I in no way actually believe the conspiracy," she said. She went on to elaborate, "I actually completely respect Bush and I don't think he actually 'did 9/11.' It was just a little tip at the huge joke that everyone says, and I didn't expect anyone to see the tweet except my 200 followers at the time."
But when is clearing the air ever enough? Since explaining her actions, Leisa went one step further and pinned a much longer than necessary apology to her Twitter page just in case:
And that, folks, is why you should never tell a joke again.
(via First We Feast)
However, if you absolutely must rip on something: Man's Angry Twitter Rant Says What We Are All Thinking About 'The Big Bang Theory'
You folks remember those Flintstones Push-Ups? The ones we would rush to get when we heard the ice cream truck; the same Push-Ups that would sometimes have a riddle at the bottom when you were done with it? Well, those days are long gone because today's treats are a tad different.
Nice job, man: This Girl Really, Really Enjoyed Her Boyfriend's Awkward Gag Gift
Funny photos are here again. I know it's been a long 24 hours since the last batch, so I made them extra special funny today to make up for the long wait. As always, if you're not amused here, go check us out on Twitter and Instagram.
Click here for more funny photos.
Click here for more funny photos.
Click here for more funny photos.
While you may think that the best and only way to drink wine is directly from the bottle while you soak in a bathtub and wonder how you got to be the way you are, there are actually various glasses that you can drink your wine from.
Take a look at the handy wine glass guide below that was left at a home goods store.
I personally prefer the goblet because I'm a royal asshole.
And here's what you can pair that wine with: Man Adds Hilarious Reviews And Pairing Recommendations For Wine At His Local Liquor Store
We are all kids at heart. Because of that, we will always find words and jokes associated with our penises funny. Always. To help encourage that amusement even further, here are the top 50 nicknames you can use for your dong whenever you have the opportunity. PENIS!
Related: Which Country Has the Biggest Dicks in the World?
Riding on the subway isn't a fun experience, but if we're all normal humans and not our terrible usual selves, chances are it can be a smooth ride. Well, since being normal humans with common sense isn't a possibility, here are some things that make you a total a-hole if you do them on a subway.
Sneeze And Don't Cover Your Mouth
As much as you'd like to believe that everyone around you is eager to embrace your wave of germs and grossness, I want to let you know one thing: we aren't. Feel free to cover your mouth when you sneeze, or better yet, take advantage of your legs and walk to work so you can save us from your airborne attack, you jerk.
Pick Your Nose
Aside from the fact that a grown-up shouldn't have their finger up their nose in public, actually doing it and then grabbing onto the bar is just vile. Sure, there are thousands of diseases on that bar already, but that still doesn't change the fact that you don't know tissues or shame exist. So remember what you were taught as a toddler, and don't shove your finger up your face holes.
Stand In The Doorway
One quick way to make everyone on the subway hate you instantly is by standing in the doorway, preventing the doors from closing, and thus making everyone very late and very pissed. And don't try to force it open so you and your suitcase on wheels can get inside. This is not the time to show your lack of strength, this is the time to wait for the next subway and annoy the people on that car instead.
Don't Give Up Your Seat
I know, no one wants to give up their seat to an elderly woman who is on the way out of this earth, but hey, it makes you look like a complete tool if you're relaxing while grandma or a pregnant gal is on her feet. We're on our ass for most of the day, standing up for a few minutes won't kill you.
Don't Use Headphones
Maybe you think you're doing everyone a favor by letting them listen to Zedd's latest single, but the reality is that no one likes Zedd, and more importantly, no one enjoys listening to your music. So do the right thing and use headphones, so you can relax and listen to all the shitty EDM you want.
Keep Your Backpack On When It's Crowded
Listen, the thoughtful thing would have been to never have boarded the subway so no one would have to deal with your ways. This isn't a hiking trail. And you aren't writing a memoir on how many miles you walked alone through the woods. Take that backpack off and quit being an asshole.
Sit Spread-Eagle On A Seat
On a subway, open seats are rare, so manspreading like someone who is eagerly awaiting his porn audition is just annoying. Understand that no one wants to see what you're presenting, and close the curtain on that show. For everyone's sake.
Eat A Three Course Meal
OK, maybe not a three course meal, but eating any meal, especially one that has an awful odor, is just plain messed up. The only way you can get away with this is if it trumps the smell of piss on the subway.
Become A Statue When People Are Trying To Get By
We understand that subways can get crowded, but if someone needs to exit the subway at their stop, the least you can do is move aside and create some room so they can do just that. But parking yourself in everyone's way while people are trying to get by is just obnoxious. Plus, it makes you an asshole. Although, kudos to that dude above and his absurd amount of confidence.
Try To Enter The Subway While People Are Still Leaving
Here's an idea: Things would move faster if there wasn't a wall of people blocking people trying to exit the subway. That's just a thought on my part that may make life a hell of a lot easier. But until then, by all means try to push your way through.
But for all those who don't do any of the above, we commend you: