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- 04/13/16--06:45: _False Widow Spider ...
- 04/13/16--07:50: _The Greatest Things...
- 04/13/16--09:50: _25 Of The Funniest ...
- 04/13/16--10:49: _Kobe Bryant vs. Mic...
- 04/13/16--12:06: _Some Dude's Great-G...
- 04/13/16--13:00: _Couple At Bar Too B...
- 04/13/16--13:23: _Jared Leto Sent Ana...
- 04/14/16--04:23: _Today's Funny Photos
- 04/14/16--04:44: _These 9 Dr. Seuss P...
- 04/14/16--05:50: _The Weekly Mandator...
- 04/14/16--06:41: _The 10 Most Hilario...
- 04/14/16--06:50: _Video: Owl Smashes ...
- 04/14/16--07:50: _The Funniest GIFs O...
- 04/14/16--08:06: _Here's A Massive Al...
- 04/14/16--09:50: _The Greatest Quotes...
- 04/14/16--10:10: _Shocking Discovery ...
- 04/14/16--10:27: _Clueless Michael Bu...
- 04/14/16--11:28: _Everyone Is Laughin...
- 04/14/16--12:01: _Slip-N-Slide Women'...
- 04/14/16--12:21: _Weird News: Florida...
- 04/13/16--07:50: The Greatest Things To Come Out Of Every State
- 04/13/16--09:50: 25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Hillary Clinton
- 04/13/16--10:49: Kobe Bryant vs. Michael Jordan: It's Not Even Close
- 04/13/16--13:00: Couple At Bar Too Busy Making Out To Realize Place Is Being Robbed
- 04/14/16--04:23: Today's Funny Photos
- 04/14/16--04:44: These 9 Dr. Seuss Parody Book Covers Will Ruin Your Childhood
- 04/14/16--05:50: The Weekly Mandatory Meme Contest Winners: Piss Off!
- 04/14/16--06:41: The 10 Most Hilarious Moments From History
- 04/14/16--07:50: The Funniest GIFs Of The Week
- 04/14/16--08:06: Here's A Massive Alligator Eating The Hell Out Of Another Alligator
- 04/14/16--09:50: The Greatest Quotes From Your Favorite 'Caddyshack' Characters
- 04/14/16--10:10: Shocking Discovery Made In Office Restroom
- 04/14/16--11:28: Everyone Is Laughing At R. Kelly And His Tiny Television
- 04/14/16--12:01: Slip-N-Slide Women's Soccer Is A Real Thing (Thankfully)
Another reminder that the spider has to be radioactive in order for you to become a crime-fighting hero.
Richard Stevens, a 40-year-old man from the UK, woke up to what looked like a typical insect bite on his leg, but it turned out to be much worst as the days went by, and the wound became more and more painful. The wound on his leg became sore, swollen and inflamed, forcing Richard to head to the hospital.
Richard later found out that he would need surgery because he had just been filled with poison by a false widow spider. Check out the video Richard posted about the gross wound on his leg. And as a heads up, the video is quite disgusting and not for the weak stomachs out there.
"It looked like someone had got a cigarette lighter from a car and plunged it in to my leg," Richard said. Richard also recalls finding out just what caused the wound: "I asked what it was, what had caused it to be such a bad reaction, the fact that my flesh had rotted away."
The doctors confirmed the bite came from a false widow spider.
"It's completely healed now but left a deep scar. It looks like a bullet wound," Richard adds.
Well, at least he didn't lose his leg, so I guess we can take solace in that while we search every crevice of our house in hopes we don't find any spiders.
Spiders ain't a fan of us: A Woman Was Attacked In Bed By A Spider And The Photos Are Horrific
The Heimlich maneuver
Sliced bread (literally)
Birth control pills
Automotive assembly lines
Ice cream cones
Luging (in America, at least)
"Live Free or Die"
Chuck Norris (or was it the other way around?)
The Declaration of Independence
Ben & Jerry's
Yellowstone National Park
The 2016 presidential race is really heating up, with four main hopefuls (sorry John Kasich) left. Aside from the normal political hot button issues, we also like to focus on how these candidates fare in the Twitter world. Here are 25 of the best tweets about Hillary Clinton.
Let's all agree on one thing, as Democrats, united together, both Bernie AND Hillary would benefit from whitening strips.— maura quint (@behindyourback) February 5, 2016
Can Hillary please hire the genius/magician who dressed Palin in 2008 and stop dressing like my weird cat-lady aunt who works at JCPenney?— kara vallow (@teenagesleuth) February 12, 2016
Great that Trump and Cruz are sparring over the National Enquirer, but when will Hillary address this? pic.twitter.com/fqxRvOSsia— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) March 25, 2016
Hell is just a continuous loop of Hillary Clinton trying out dance moves.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 31, 2016
Bernie Sanders: Let's raise minimum wage.— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 13, 2015
Hillary Clinton: *tries to kickflip & tumbles offstage* Lets raise that whip & nae nae! It fleek!
When I watch Hillary I feel like someone just told her what opinions are.— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) March 24, 2016
When Wall Street asks for a handout pic.twitter.com/uVYZrithEl— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 22, 2016
HILLARY: Media coverage of me is sexist— Hippo (@InternetHippo) October 14, 2015
MEDIA: Ok how are you different from Obama substantively
HILLARY: My gender pic.twitter.com/VpSZfHznwF
Hillary Clinton is the kind of person to have a photo taken of them playing XBox, but the controller is off.— Philip DeFranco (@PhillyD) April 5, 2016
My favorite sex move is called the Hillary Clinton. That's when the early stuff is a complete disaster but I win big when I go down South— ♡ Good Account ♡ (@SortaBad) March 3, 2016
Bernie: I was arrested while protesting segregation in campus housing— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 7, 2016
Hillary: I was arrested....twice....while, uhh...kissing black people
Hillary Clinton should wear a NASCAR type jacket that shows all her sponsors: Monsanto, Exxon and all the rest!— eddie pepitone (@eddiepepitone) April 5, 2016
*dead bird on a string drops onto podium*— human pog (@HumanPog) March 26, 2016
hillary: well would you look at that? how uh TRILL is THAT haha WOOOOOO
♫ THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG ♫
me anytime hillary clinton does an internet teen dance pic.twitter.com/rRXf7kvUcH— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) March 17, 2016
when bill clinton asks hillary a question, do you think she responds by speaking or by showing him a reaction GIF of herself on her phone— Spencer Niemetz (@SPENCERcNIEMETZ) March 12, 2016
Having to vote for Hillary in order to keep Trump out of The White House is the adult version of eating your vegetables.— Davon Magwood (@davonmagwood) March 2, 2016
Hillary: "I apologize for my lengthy remarks in which I called Gargamel the real hero and said the Smurfs deserved to be eaten. I misspoke"— Just Jason (@longwall26) March 11, 2016
[Dem Debate]— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) March 15, 2016
MODERATOR: We're going to hook you both up to lie detectors
BERNIE: Sounds good!
HILLARY: *turns into a snake & slithers away*
Oh no, Hillary Clinton has gone too far this time pic.twitter.com/yepB7AHFvX— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) March 14, 2016
Hillary's new slogan: "It's 4 AM At The Bar And The Lights Just Came On" pic.twitter.com/B4uZFzEvJr— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 30, 2016
Hillary Clinton turns down NYC debate due to Bernie's "negative tone," preps instead for famously chill feminist Donald Trump— Albro FLAMEoftheWEST (@bromanconsul) March 29, 2016
HILLARY: I myself am an illegal immigrant— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 10, 2016
MODERATOR: Is that true?
HILLARY: Of course not. I never said that
Criticizing Hillary's outfit isn't about gender. If Bernie showed up in a Star Trek uniform, I'd give him shit too. pic.twitter.com/vjx9jCubVN— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) February 12, 2016
Do you think Hillary has ever met a young person?— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 11, 2016
Related: 25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Donald Trump
Kobe Bryant's long farewell season is finally coming to a close tonight. And since Kobe spent his entire career trying to be like Mike -- from his fadeaway jumpers to his celebratory fist pumps to his post-game interview style -- let's take a look at how the Black Mamba stacked up against His Airness. (Short answer: not so great.)
Sorry, Kobe. (Look on the bright side, it shouldn't be hard to surpass Jordan as an owner.)
Unless you're Stevie Wonder, odds are you know that this is a picture of Oscar-winning actor Matthew McConaughey:
All right, all right, all right. Now according to redditor EmberRainbow, this is a picture of his great-great-grandfather:
Alright, alright, alright. Notice anything similar about the two gents?
You don't need a jar of tainted peanut butter to have your mind blown with how much these two guys look alike. Yes they do, yes they do. And as is usually the case, the kids on Reddit are having a field day with it.
Perhaps the best comment left about the resemblance between the two men was left by mordeci00, who said, "That's what I love about people in old photographs, man. I get older, they stay the same age." Although, "You got a mustache? It'd be a lot cooler if you did." was a close second.
The gang at BroBible is taking the "McConaughey is a time traveler" route while others are suggesting that the actor is immortal. And if that's the case, then "You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N" just took on a whole new meaning.
Was Jimmy Fallon once a Turkish politician? 11 Celebrities Who Might Be Immortal
Either this was the quietest robbery of all time, or these two lovebirds were so overwhelmed by each others' mouths and so into plow mode that they were completely oblivious to their surroundings, which included said theft that was going down less than six feet behind them.
Either way, the fact that the Tap Inn in Billings, Montana was robbed at gunpoint without either of the two lovers realizing it was almost as shocking as the fact that they were already getting their drink on despite the fact that it was early Monday morning.
h/t Huffington Post
Not a good idea? You guessed it: Posting pictures of your take on social media: Guy Arrested After Posting Bank Robbery On Instagram
Funny. I tried the same thing at Mandatory, and they wrote me up for harassment.
According to Entertainment Weekly, Jared Leto really went "full Joker" for his role as the villain in the upcoming movie "Suicide Squad." And apparently that meant sending used condoms and anal beads to other actors and actresses on the set, including Will Smith and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje.
Viola Davis discussed it even further, saying that Leto "had a henchman who would come into the rehearsal room, and the henchman came in with a dead pig and plopped it on the table, and then he walked out."
"And that was our introduction into Jared Leto," Davis said.
Hey, if sending anal beads and used condoms as a joke to your coworkers is going to make Leto the best Joker yet, then I'm all for it. Well, as long as the used condoms didn't come from Charlie Sheen.
Everybody at the Oscars this year got a boob job: This Year's Oscars Gift Bag Features A Sex Toy And Breast Lift
Just in case my wife is reading this intro today, I'd like to state for the record that I do not approve of the below meme (even though I made it and laughed for at least an hour afterward). I find it despicable. Grow up, you guys. Love you, honey!
Want more Mandatory? Check us out on Twitter and Instagram.
ICYMI: Yesterday's Funny Photos
Related: The Most Funny Photos Anywhere
The Foot Book
Dr. Seuss' ABC
The Cat in the Hat
Horton Hears a Who!
Green Eggs and Ham
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
Fox in Socks
Are You My Mother?
Yertle the Turtle
Related: 'The Simpsons' Meets 'Straight Outta Compton' In These Clever Parody Memes
Submitted by: gene quaglino
Submitted by: Ongais
Submitted by: Sans sense
Submitted by: Craig
Submitted by: dudley
Submitted by: Regina
Submitted by: LRose
Submitted by: Jordan E
Submitted by: mike k
Previously on Mandatory Meme Contest Winners: Hot Doggin' It
1. American soldier is trapped by Nazis, laughs in their faces, pulls out a machine gun and kills 21.
Remember that scene in "The Deer Hunter" when Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken are forced to play Russian roulette among sadistic Viet Cong? Well, that actually happened, except in real life it was between an American paratrooper named Leonard A. Funk and a band of hysterical Nazis.
Funk was trapped between enemy lines, his comrades kneeling in surrender, when he faced a growling, pissed off German soldier who was grilling him to release information. Not knowing what the hell he was saying, Funk started laughing uncontrollably and soon, other Germans joined in the fun. Once he had them thoroughly distracted, he whipped out his Thompson submachine gun and literally cut the head Nazi in half with bullets. As he reloaded, he screamed for the other Americans to join in the counterattack.
The Germans surrendered. When it was over, Funk hooted, "That was the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen." What makes this John McLane-like sequence even more absurd is the fact that Funk himself was only 5 foot 6 inches, 140 pounds and looked exactly like Jason Schwartzman. He was awarded the Medal of Honor.
2. Englishmen hang a monkey because they thought it was a Frenchman.
During the Napoleonic Wars, residents of a small Northern England town called Hartlepool witnessed a French ship capsize off the coast. They found that everyone on board died, except for a little monkey, which they saw hanging onto a piece of rubbish. As subjects of severe wartime propaganda, the Englishmen believed that the monkey was an actual Frenchman, but they also saw that the monkey was dressed in full French military regalia which confused them even more. They decided to interrogate the furry creature.
They brought the monkey ashore and administered a trial. When the monkey wouldn't talk, they assumed it was just being uncooperative. They got fed up and eventually built a makeshift hanging gallows and executed the poor little primate. Today, there is a rugby team out of Hartlepool who fondly call themselves the Monkey Hangers.
3. Big pimpin' Julius Caesar receives a love letter from Senator Cato. Hilarity ensues.
In 63 B.C., politics of Rome were concerned with treason and conspiracy. One senator in particular, Cato, was basically the Boy Scout of the bunch, calling out evildoers far and wide. One time on the Senate floor Julius Caesar was receiving messages (sort of like today when someone receives a text at the dinner table) and Cato became suspicious. Caesar explained they were just love letters and urged him to drop it.
Cato pushed the matter, accusing Caesar of conspiracy, but Caesar calmly tried to tell him it was nothing. Cato seized the letter, and learned Caesar was right: The love letter came from Cato's sister telling Caesar that she was deeply in love with him. Cato, obviously mad, hurled the letter at Caesar's face. Other senators soon became concerned that their wives might be banging Caesar, too, prompting them to look into their wives' chastity.
4. Australia vs. emus: The Great Emu War of 1932
Following the Great Depression, Australia wanted to make sure their farmers' wheat production was tip-top. One problem, though, was the massive emu infestation across the country. The large flightless birds harmed crops because they ate and spoiled them. Minister of Defense George Pearce assigned ex-WW1 soldiers to rid the nation of their "problem."
In the end, the emus won. In one instance, the soldiers found 1,000 emus grouped together and tried to shoot their machine guns, only to have them jam. They even once installed turrets onto trucks and the emus again outsmarted them, fleeing into the bush. The crestfallen Australian troops eventually came to terms with the fact that they lost against birds. Today, there are an estimated 750,000 emus living in Australia.
5. CIA creates "spy cats" to eavesdrop on Soviets during the Cold War.
Operation Acoustic Kitty wasn't exactly the brightest idea to come out of the Central Intelligence Agency. In the 1960s, they bugged kitties with surveillance equipment in hopes that they would walk around Soviet gatherings and obtain sensitive information. It cost the American taxpayers $20 million.
Needless to say, the experiment failed. Veterinary surgeons implanted cats with microphones, radio transmitters and thin wires, training them to traipse around the Kremlin and Soviet embassies. But the operation would be aborted. During a test run, they dropped a cat near a Soviet compound and watched it mindlessly walk into traffic and get squashed by a taxi. Little did the CIA know, cats are not to be trusted.
6. Richard Nixon has some very homophobic things to say about Bohemian Grove.
Bohemian Grove, if you weren't aware, is basically like the Bilderberg Meetings we've all heard about, except they take place in San Francisco. The most powerful men in the world converge here once a year to discuss policy, bro out and wax hipster about art.
In 1971, Richard Nixon was caught talking smack about this elitist sausage fest, in a very non-PC way: "The Bohemian Grove, that I attend from time to time --the Easterners and the others come there --but it is the most faggy goddamn thing you could ever imagine, that San Francisco crowd that goes in there; it's just terrible. I mean, I won't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco."
7. President of France dies of a blow job.
One night in February 1899, French president Felix Faure was doing his usual mistress thing with 30-year-old Marguerite Steinheil, who was well-known as the type of girl who would "get around" with a lot of rich and important men. Legend has it that she was giving President Faure such an incredible blow job that he suffered a stroke and died. Steinheil earned the reputation as someone who "exercised a curious spell upon all the men with whom she came in contact." This femme fatale would literally suck the life out of France's most prominent politician.
8. Boris Yeltsin hails a cab outside the White House in his underwear on a drunken quest for pizza.
In 1995, Secret Service agents alerted President Bill Clinton that his esteemed guest Russian President Boris Yeltsin was found on Pennsylvania Avenue hailing a cab. He was in his underwear and totally blacked out. When asked what he was doing, Yeltsin said that he just wanted pizza. One could safely assume Yeltsin had a bad influence on Clinton, as they were buddies and often got into silly bromance antics with each other.
9. Roman soldier moons Jewish pilgrims, killing thousands.
In the decades after Christ was born, Jerusalem was occupied by Rome. In 80 A.D., ancient historian Flavius Josephus wrote down what he noted as the first mooning ever.
As the story goes, Jewish pilgrims made their way to Jerusalem during Passover. High atop the town parapets were Roman soldiers who kept an eye on the crowds in case they agitated. Tensions were high, and one Roman soldier pulled down his gown and exposed his buttocks, making farting sounds. This caused the Jews to riot. By the time the riot subsided, the overreacting Romans killed thousands. Mooning! What is it good for?
10. Attila the Hun dies of a nosebleed on his wedding night.
A man whose life was rife with killing and conquering massive swaths of land died in the most unceremonious of ways. The night he was meant to marry the beautiful Ildiko, his nose bled as he slept, causing him to drown in his own blood. Some historians believe that he drank too much that night (he was a total party animal) and suffered an exploding hemorrhoid in his esophagus. The ruler of the Huns, a terrifying leader who would wage ruthless campaigns across thousands of miles, died like a bitch.
How about next time you just get your annoying five-year-old nephew to deliver the wedding rings, because chances are he won't smash his face into a closed window.
So a couple thought it would be a fun idea to pretend their wedding was taking place at Hogwarts, because an owl was brought in to deliver their wedding rings. Now, the owl did that part just fine, but it was his exit that was a little less graceful.
Check out what occurred when the owl was supposed to fly out some double doors, but didn't come close:
It is not known how badly the owl was injured or if he's even alive.
Next time you want to bring Hedwig to your wedding, just make sure it's an outdoor wedding.
h/t Daily Mail
Owls just wanna have fun: Here's An Owl Showing Off His Sweet Dance Moves With A Toy Owl
Congratulations! Now you're paper thin...but dead.
Guess which one was adopted.
Who could have foreseen this horrible turn of events?
Broken neck or not, that move took precision.
This move, however, uh...what's the opposite of precise?
That certainly supports the theory.
Bank shots are so much more entertaining in soccer.
What'd she trip over? Her long, mid-'90s mom mullet? Burn.
Think I'll stick to the pool.
Tatsu from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" said it best: "NEVER lower your eyes to an enemy."
Whoo! Eww, it's warm.
Speaking of warm, spice the day up a little more with a repeat viewing of last week's hilarious GIFs. OK, I'll admit it. I'm not the best at closing lines.
We all know stuff like this happens every day because circle of life and what have you, but it's still insane to watch this giant-looking alligator chomping on another alligator like it's no big deal, like he's just winding down for the day with a snack.
Check out this video that was filmed by a guy in Polk County, Florida:
Hey, could have been worse. This could have happened:
Also in Florida: 15-Foot-Long Cattle-Eating Alligator Shot Dead In Florida
Young scribe Harold Ramis planned to follow up his unexpectedly successful, genre-defining comedy "Animal House" with a humorous feature about a Nazi rally. Thankfully, sensibility prevailed and a take on the life of a caddy was chosen instead. When huge adult-aged stars began to attach themselves to the project, the subject matter shifted a bit to the country club as a whole. "Caddyshack" has come to be regarded as one of the funniest movies ever made. It's a comic tale about class, aspiration and rodent extermination with one side-splitting scene after the next performed by the greatest comedians of the era. There are so many great lines from this classic, and here we remember each character's best.
When there is a sign on a stall door in the office restroom that says, "Knock Before Entering," no matter how strange that may be, you better do it. Otherwise you may walk into this:
Yikes. It's probably best to just leave her alone until she's finished.
More: 15 Bathroom Stall Messages That Will Totally Change Your Life
Sure, Canadian crooner Michael Bublé is one talented dude, and he's made millions off his music. But while he may have the singing talent, he doesn't exactly know what he's doing when it comes to eating corn on the cob.
Take a look at a picture of him believing this is the correct way to eat:
Obviously Michael is completely lost, but his cluelessness is our win because the Internet went ahead and Photoshopped him. You knew they would. Check out some of the best from the folks on Reddit.
Never ask the Internet for help: A Couple Asked For Photoshop Help And The Internet Rose To The Occasion (Again)
R. Kelly just wanted to give a shout-out to Kobe Bryant by posting this tweet of himself watching Kobe's final NBA game:
But the only thing people focused on was the small television that R. Kelly decided to watch it on.
Now to you and me this TV may be acceptable since we're normal folks, but this guy has tons of cash, so this viewing party just looks depressing. People of course were quick to make fun of him on Twitter. Take a look at the most hilarious jokes.
@rkelly is that an iPad on your wall?— Lorenzo M. (@LoMed1978) April 14, 2016
This the remix to ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen. You got way too much money for that lil ass television https://t.co/Oc04oH2kPU— Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) April 14, 2016
@rkelly why your TV smaller than Moses stone tablets 🤔— M U H A T I A (@YahBoiSelfie) April 14, 2016
Not to worry, though, because R. Kelly had a pretty simple explanation:
@LoMed1978 ya'll are trippin'! I wasn't watching the game at my place 😂😂— R. Kelly (@rkelly) April 14, 2016
Sure, RK, sure.
h/t The LAD Bible
I hope R. Kelly can see this on his tiny computer: Kobe Bryant VS. Michael Jordan: It's Not Even Close
It's writing stories like this that reminds me how much all my hard work in college is paying off.
While regular soccer involves a bunch of people chasing a ball around in what many believe is the number one way to treat insomnia, the gals in Brazil and France have been playing a much better game: slip-n-slide soccer.
It's just a bunch of attractive women in bikinis trying to score a goal, all while covered in soap. Sounds good to me. Take a look at this fantastic sport below:
I appreciate all the hard work these women put into their sport.
Hey, there's also this: Lingerie Football Touchdown Might Be The Craziest (Sexiest) One You'll Ever See
Right, except it's usually your wife's towels and not somebody's house.
According to The Huffington Post, a 25-year-old Clearwater man was arrested last week for vandalizing a home in Largo, but the incident turned quite awkward when he told police he had been jerking off to loud music when he suddenly "felt like going out and destroying stuff."
Police said they were responding to a call about a man beating the piss out of a mailbox last Friday when they found William Timothy Anderson "shirtless and covered in dirt." They also found a busted garden angel, broken real estate sign and a shattered window.
Anderson admitted to wrecking all three items but then dropped the bombshell that he only did it after punching his clown while listening to loud music and suddenly getting the urge to run out and destroy shit.
No word on what tunes Anderson had cranking from his cassette player, but by the looks of things, it was most likely something from Danzig, GWAR or Taylor Swift.
The ultimate "Florida Man" story: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull In Front Of His Neighbors