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- 04/14/16--12:51: _This Tinder Battle ...
- 04/14/16--13:02: _Chef Tells Court He...
- 04/14/16--13:42: _Florida Man Overdos...
- 04/14/16--16:14: _Cheeky Woman Shows ...
- 04/15/16--02:15: _This Man Is Not Hom...
- 04/15/16--04:01: _10 Annoying Health ...
- 04/15/16--04:21: _Today's Funny Photos
- 04/15/16--04:22: _The #FRESHAVOCADO V...
- 04/15/16--05:50: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 04/15/16--06:29: _KFC Tried A Dick Jo...
- 04/15/16--06:50: _12 Celebrities Who ...
- 04/15/16--07:45: _Top 10 Reasons Why....
- 04/15/16--08:21: _Texas Middle School...
- 04/15/16--08:53: _This Is The Best An...
- 04/15/16--09:21: _The Envy Is Clearly...
- 04/15/16--09:49: _Saying You Will Go ...
- 04/15/16--09:50: _Original Names Of 9...
- 04/15/16--11:20: _Dude Sets Super Mar...
- 04/15/16--11:34: _This Amazon Review ...
- 04/15/16--11:59: _This Selfie Proves ...
- 04/14/16--12:51: This Tinder Battle Of Mean Pickup Lines Is Aggressive And Hilarious
- 04/14/16--16:14: Cheeky Woman Shows That 'No Pants Are The Best Pants' in Amsterdam
- 04/15/16--02:15: This Man Is Not Homeless But You Should Still Feel Sorry For Him
- 04/15/16--04:01: 10 Annoying Health Myths Debunked
- 04/15/16--04:21: Today's Funny Photos
- 04/15/16--04:22: The #FRESHAVOCADO Vine Tag Gets Funnier Every Day
- 04/15/16--05:50: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 04/15/16--06:29: KFC Tried A Dick Joke On Twitter And It Completely Backfired
- 04/15/16--06:50: 12 Celebrities Who Got Their Start In The Adult Entertainment Biz
- 04/15/16--07:45: Top 10 Reasons Why... I'm So Tired This Morning
- 04/15/16--08:53: This Is The Best And Only Way To Sell A Motorcycle
- 04/15/16--09:21: The Envy Is Clearly Evident In These 20 Photos
- 04/15/16--09:50: Original Names Of 9 Famous Bands Before They Were Popular
- 04/15/16--11:20: Dude Sets Super Mario Bros. World Record With Unbelievable Run
- 04/15/16--11:59: This Selfie Proves The Bathroom Is A Pore Place To Take A Photo
As if you needed more evidence that cheesy pickup lines don't work, this guy came along and proved it yet again. Of course, at least he was prepared and went out in a blaze of insulting glory afterwards, so kudos there. Still, get a chat room, you two. This is getting ugly.
And by "ugly," I meant hilarious. Sometimes you gotta know when you're beaten and walk away applauding.
Then again: These Hilariously Awkward Breakup Texts Will Make You Feel Better About Yourself
Geez. How spicy was the Indian food at this place?
According to the Daily Mail, a 46-year-old chef at an Indian food joint in England is literally in deep shit after it was determined he took a dump and wiped his ass with his bare hands before preparing meals at the restaurant.
Inspectors visited Yeahaya Flavour of Asia in the English town of Swindon last year and "found an empty plastic milk bottle which was extremely dirty and was covered with brown fingerprints." When they asked Mahbub Chowdhury why the bottle was so filthy, he told them it was because he "filled the bottle with water from the kitchen taps and used it to clean his bottom after visiting the toilet."
Chowdhury also told investigators that he didn't use toilet paper for "cultural reasons," and they eventually came to the conclusion that each brown fingerprint on the bottle was indeed...wait for it...his poop.
The former chef pleaded guilty to 10 counts of "breaching food hygiene" and will now wait for the Swindon Crown Court to sentence him. We truly hope they take into consideration that he was already fined more than $7,000 last year for "similar offenses."
That's right, Indian food enthusiasts in England. This wasn't the first time he was busted using his poopy hands to make your fish curry.
Still thinking about going out to eat tonight? 11 Chef Confessions That Will Have You Eating At Home
That's one hell of a day, even for "Florida Man."
According to UPI, a photojournalist for CBS 12 was shooting B-roll for another story at a West Palm Beach Walmart Wednesday afternoon. At the same time, paramedics who had responded to a heroin overdose in the superstore's men's room were wheeling out the victim on a stretcher and preparing to load him into an ambulance.
Let's be honest: They must have loaded up that guy with some pretty good shit. I mean, to go from unconscious in a bathroom because of a heroin overdose to sprinting like you're at the Olympic Time Trials is no small feat. In fact, the man was so quick that police and paramedics were unable to find him.
Usually "Florida Man" goes to Walmart to steal from children: A Florida Man Stole Money From Girl Scouts Selling Delicious Cookies
We've seen videos like this before of a woman in body paint walking around like nothing is amiss, but is anyone going to complain that there is another? The latest sexy blonde to take to the streets in a thong and not much else (besides a shirt reading "NO PANTS ARE THE BEST PANTS," of course) hails from Amsterdam, where I've always sort of assumed even a fully naked woman in public probably wouldn't arouse that much suspicion. And it turns out I was pretty much right.
Don't forget about that other time, too: Model Walks Around Hong Kong With Painted-On Skinny Jeans, No One Notices
They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but in the case of the photo below, sometimes you end up with the same result.
Apparently, some marriages are really rough.
Red Wine Will Help You Fight Alzheimer's Disease
Some of the most popular dietary myths are the ones that tell us things we want to hear. So when a number of studies showed a connection between resveratrol, a chemical found in red wine, and positive effects on the brain, tipplers worldwide had a new way to justify their two buck Chuck habit. Unfortunately, the negative health effects of alcohol vastly outweigh any of the positives, and drinkers are statistically more likely to suffer from dementia, not less. Although the health benefits of resveratrol are real, the amount you get from a glass of wine is one one-thousandth the amount you'd need for a therapeutic dose. Stick to water, buddy.
Salt Will Give You A Heart Attack
When it comes to dietary boogeymen, one of the most notorious is sodium. For decades, the prevailing wisdom has been that eating high-salt diets will put you on a one-way street to a heart attack. The truth is, the body needs sodium for a number of important reasons. While increased salt intake can pump up blood pressure in the short term, there's no indication that it has any long-term affects. In fact, decreasing your sodium intake has been shown to lead to elevated triglycerides and cholesterol levels. Many, many laboratory tests have been unable to find a solid connection between cutting salt and reduced risk of heart attack.
Tryptophan In Turkey Makes You Sleepy
Know-it-alls love to talk about the individual chemical components of food and what they do to the body. Around November, you typically read a lot about tryptophan, an amino acid that occurs in turkey meat. According to the stories, this substance is an important element of several brain chemicals that induce relaxation, and when you eat turkey you get a potent dose. Only one problem with that: plenty of other foods contain tryptophan and don't make you sleepy. Cheddar cheese has tons of it, and we don't want to take a nap after we eat a bowl of Kraft. What's really getting you tired after Thanksgiving dinner is a much simpler explanation: You ate too much food, you lummox.
Eggs Are Bad For Your Heart
As you age, it's important to watch your cholesterol -- the waxy substance that travels through your bloodstream and can build up in your arteries, leading to heart attacks. One popular food that's often blamed for cholesterol is eggs, but their risk is so overstated that it's not funny. Two kinds of consumed fat raise cholesterol: saturated and trans. An egg has a puny 1.5 grams of saturated fat and absolutely no trans fat. Although the yolks themselves contain cholesterol, very little of it actually makes its way into your bloodstream from your digestive tract. And eggs are an awesome, low-cost source of proteins and other important vitamins and minerals.
It's Better To Eat Lots Of Small Meals Than Three Big Meals
One incredibly common weight loss myth is that your body will more effectively process food if you eat at regular, short intervals throughout the day instead of the traditional breakfast, lunch and dinner. This is one of those things that seems like common sense, but the truth is completely different. When you eat, your body produces insulin to break down carbohydrates into energy. That excess energy is then stored as fat. By waiting longer in between meals, you let your body shift into it's postabsorbtive phase, where you burn that stored energy. It's also harder to track your caloric intake the more you eat, meaning chowing down multiple times a day can cause you to overdo it.
You Have To Drink 8 Glasses Of Water Every Day
Drinking lots of water isn't ever going to be bad for you (unless you somehow manage to guzzle so much you get overhydrated, which can be fatal), but the long-held belief that each and every one of us needs a solid eight 8-ounce glasses each and every day simply isn't true. The new recommendation is a half an ounce for each pound you weigh, but people in different climates and with different activity levels might need more or less. It's pretty easy to tell if you're not getting enough water: just take a piss. If your urine is dark yellow, chug a glass. If it's light and clear, you're fine. Most doctors now recommend not freaking out about the number of glasses and just listening to your body.
Vitamins Are Good For You
The vitamin and supplement industry rakes in billions from Americans convinced they need to get more minerals and other chemicals that aren't in their food. It's one of the longest-running scams in health history, but there's little to no scientific evidence that popping pills will get you anything a well-balanced diet won't. Indeed, some studies -- including a 2010 University of Minnesota survey -- show that taking vitamins can actually be bad for you, increasing the risk of heart disease and cancer. There are a few examples to the contrary -- increasing your vitamin D intake, especially during the winter months, seems fine -- but for the most part, you shouldn't be depending on little pills to keep your body running smoothly.
Milk Builds Strong Bones
A lot of food myths are constructed around a pretty primitive view of biology. Bones are made of calcium, and milk and dairy products have calcium, so milk makes your bones strong. While dietary intake of calcium is important for bone growth, there are several other minerals and vitamins that are just as vital -- vitamin K and magnesium, for example, neither of which is found in dairy products. You can get all three, and tons of other useful stuff like fiber, from leafy greens like collard, mustard and kale. And with those vegetables you're not getting the negative aspects of milk, like fat and calories.
Organic Food Is Better For You
More and more Americans are thinking about the food they eat, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, a clever marketing myth has many of them spending extra money for products that aren't actually better for them. The organic trend started in the 1970s but really picked up steam with the global expansion of Whole Foods, and on first examination seems pretty logical -- food grown without chemicals has to be better than the alternative, right? Many studies have proven that there are no nutritional or health benefits to choosing organic over conventional, and some of the "natural" pesticides that organic growers use can actually be more hazardous to human health than chemical ones.
High-Fructose Corn Syrup Is The Worst Thing Ever
If you're friends with a lot of high-strung moms on Facebook, you've probably had to sit through endless rants about the demon that is high-fructose corn syrup. This sweetener has been blamed for just about every disease under the sun, with haters claiming that pure cane sugar is much better for you. Here's the truth: They're wrong. There's nothing innately bad about HFCS compared to other sweeteners. It was created to mimic table sugar as closely as possible and calorie-wise it's identical. The problem is in how much sweetener in total we pump into our fat faces -- the average American diet includes over twice as much added sweetener as doctors recommend.
FRIDAY! The best day of every week. The only way this day could get any better is if a brand new batch of funny photos just suddenly appeared...and would you look at that? Wow. It must be your lucky day. Enjoy it wisely and we'll see you on the other side of the weekend.
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Going into this collection of Vine videos, you should know that the whole #freshavocado concept is a creeper. In fact, the original Vine (which we'll post first) isn't really all that funny initially. It's what people ended up doing with its ridiculous soundbite that became comedy gold. After a couple of repeat viewings, you should be laughing your ass off.
Now let's see what happens after some very creative Viners got their hands on it.
Of course, if you'd like to see more #freshavocado Vines without all the digging, there are a slew of YouTube compilations where these came from.
Related: Waiting At The Drive-Thru: A Collection Of The Most Hilarious Vines
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Cooking spinach pic.twitter.com/FqLdJrXQFM— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 31, 2016
hey how's it goin— FOOLVO (@fro_vo) January 22, 2015
"not much you"
"yeah good talkin to ya"
I've a lot of respect for Mark Hamill's 30 year attachment to this jumper. pic.twitter.com/Bv418Ucohd— paul haine (@paul_haine) March 29, 2016
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) March 30, 2016
Superman: I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-— ♡ Good Account ♡ (@SortaBad) March 30, 2016
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
You could say that my "signature dating move" is texting 'r u getting these lol'— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) March 30, 2016
I would give you a ride home but I haven't come up with a good explanation for all the half drunken bottles of water in the backseat.— Moses Storm (@MosesStorm) March 29, 2016
*roasting a marshmallow over the fire* tell me where you hid the jewels you bastard— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) March 30, 2016
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming.— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) September 22, 2014
Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G— Jake (@jake_lach) August 6, 2015
ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
What romantic comedies never show is the color of the water after someone takes a bath.— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 30, 2016
If you're ever engulfed in a Pompeii-style eruption, look up & over your shoulder to avoid being fossilized with a permanent double chin.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 30, 2016
This account has been swearing at a feminist outlet for weeks to show her support for Trump. I can't stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/3dO2bML5X6— Katie Klabusich (@Katie_Speak) March 29, 2016
A good way to remember how many chains 2 Chainz has is to just think "he has 2 chains"— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2016
[a man stops breathing]— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) July 25, 2015
Wife: "Help my husband! Does anybody know CPR?"
*smugly step forward*
Me: "I know all the letters of the alphabet."
[opening Pop Tarts, I find Ninja stars]— Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 21, 2016
Me: what the hell?
[Pop Tart sails by me & lodges into cabinet]
Ninja behind me: what the hell?!
trying to fit into my summer clothes again pic.twitter.com/8KweF1U19j— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 31, 2016
1996: if I just made 40k I'd be fine— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) March 29, 2016
2006: if I just made 60k I'd be fine
2016: if I just made 9 million dollars I'd be fine
I couldn't remember the term "hazmat suit," so I called it a "science burqa."— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 20, 2016
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
Dick jokes are funny when we hear them in every Seth Rogen movie ever made, but it seems like KFC Australia wanted to get in on those laughs and they thought it would be a good idea to make their own dick joke on Twitter.
In a Tweet that now has been deleted, a picture shows a woman reaching for a guy's crotch that has been pixelated. Check out the picture below:
Hey, this is some pretty funny and sassy marketing on Australia's part, but the people that follow KFC Australia on Twitter for some reason weren't exactly on board. Here are just some of their reactions:
At KFC you can now get a handjob using searing grease as lube.— part-time meme queen (@dylanjakemorris) April 15, 2016
Wait, is KFC introducing jerk chicken? Was that the joke?— barry (@barrysaunders) April 15, 2016
Today @KFCAustralia learned that chicken is not THAT sexy.— Barbara J (@mintie) April 15, 2016
@KFCAustralia so new hot and spicy KFC is cumming soon. How soon? like a couple of minutes lol— Richard Edwards (@richieaussie) April 15, 2016
Well, after all that hoopla KFC Australia was quick to apologize to all those chicken lovers:
We are very sorry for our earlier tweet on H&S - we didn't mean to offend and removed it when we realised we'd made an error in judgment.— KFC Australia (@KFCAustralia) April 15, 2016
I don't know about you other mates, but I thought that joke was gold. But I also write about boobs and butts for a living.
Not the best choice of words: Watch The Moment This Hockey Announcer Realizes He Accidentally Made A Penis Reference
Who knows, the next woman you see tearing her clothes off to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me," could very well be the next generation's Lady Gaga, or, perhaps less stimulating, the next Nene Leakes.
That's right, the hottest of "Charlie's Angels" appeared in a softcore porn film at the ripe, impressionable age of 19. As one could understand, Diaz has since tried to cover up her pornographic past, but thanks to the Internet (combined with how far perverts will actually go to see her nude), she's been relatively unsuccessful in doing so.
Since the video is indeed "softcore" and was filmed in the early '90s, one could argue that the video isn't even worth watching, as Diaz has done her fair share of nude scenes in big-screen film anyways.
As it has been for many celebrities (think of it like a Mickey Mouse club for '90s television actors) the softcore porn series "The Red Shoe Diaries" was a launching pad for David Duchovny's fame. After shooting this nude scene, he was picked up for his iconic role in "The X Files."
Channing Tatum (or: the actor your partner would definitely bang if she had the opportunity) started stripping at 19 after dropping out of the University of South Florida. Tatum's sordid career was quite profitable at the time, he admits, insisting he'd made over $150 on a good night, and around $70 on a bad night. However, much of those profits went to booze, as Tatum confessed he used to be quite the irresponsible partier. Seems to go hand-in-hand with stripping, really. Who can blame him?
Before Pratt got famous, he lived out of a van in Hawaii working as an unsuccessful stripper at unofficial venues."I did go one time and audition on a stage for a club, but I don't think I got the job. I don't think I'm a very good dancer," he told media outlets. No proof exists, but the above picture is Pratt shirtless on his Instagram, and looking more ripped than any of us will ever be.
Although his alleged gigantic penis has been the topic of much Internet fodder, Hamm's past in porn wasn't as an actor, but as a set-dresser for Cinemax softcore movies in the late '90s, which he likens to his one of his worst jobs ever. Really, Jon? Dressing porn stars? Seems like a pretty good/easy gig to me. There's no video footage of Jon working on set, but the picture above from "Mad Men" is close enough.
Like Duchovny, Leblanc also starred in the softcore porn series "The Red Shoe Diaries"in the mid '90s before he snagged his iconic role as Joey Tribbiani on "Friends."
Amber Rose, who's probably best known for banging Kanye West before Kim Kardashian and marrying (then divorcing) scrawny rapper Wiz Khalifa, stripped for the first time at the very illegal age of 15 before deciding it wasn't for her. However, at 18, she had another go at it and stripped from 18-25, insisting her career was fantastic, saying, "I was young, beautiful, I was onstage, I wasn't really ashamed of my body. I made lifelong friends." You can see more pictures, like the one above, on Amber's Instagram.
Though he's relatively civilian save for the fact that he's married to talk show host Kelly Ripa, Consuelos worked as a stripper to pay for school when he attended the University of South Florida. According to Ripa -- because of course they'd interview her and not a mere C-lister -- he started out as a roadie for a travelling stripper troupe, and was eventually "talked" into stripping. Yeah, OK. No one was eager to take a picture of Mr. Kelly Ripa stripping, so take this screenshot from the classic "Husband for Hire" instead.
Since we all know "burlesque dancer" is a conservative way of saying "stripper," Lady Gaga confessed to doing so at 19, while she tried to make it as a singer. Though she insists she only stripped down to her bikini and showed "boobies sometimes" we're going to assume she was naked much more than she lets on, considering she's nude in more than half of her music videos and televised appearances. Gaga herself tweeted the photo above on her Twitter from her stripper days.
In 2007, Pitt admitted he used to drive strippers to and from their gigs. "I'd pick them up, and at the gig I'd collect the money, play the bad Prince tapes, and catch the girls' clothes." Though this career couldn't necessarily categorize him as a "stripper," a frat brother of his from the University of Missouri claimed Pitt was also in a dance group called "The Dancing Bares," who would put on choreographed dances in the nude when he was 21. So yes, he was most definitely a stripper at one point. No proof of that, but I feel he was probably dressed exactly like in the picture above from "Thelma and Louise."
A single mother at 25, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" star confessed she was a stripper who went by the alias "Silk" by bluntly telling cameras on her reality show, "I sold the fantasy: my p*ssy."
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Less surprising than me informing you that grass is green, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of "Jersey Shore" fame formerly worked as a stripper in an all-male group named "All American Male" when he was 22. "It was probably the laziest job that I could pick where I could use the looks that I had at the time. And it worked out," he said. Sounds about right. I don't exactly know what "The Situation" is doing in the picture above on the legendary show "Jersey Shore," though.
If you're anything like me, you're tired. A lot. You may even be tired right now trying to read this. It's OK; we all get tired. Here are the top 10 reasons why I'm so tired this morning.
Not a smart decision, Ms. Modisette.
Kylie Modisette, a 28-year-old middle school teacher at Huntington Independent School District, was arrested after admitting to authorities that she sent nude photos to one of her former students through Snapchat.
Modisette was once the kid's English teacher, and somehow ended up sending him sexts. While the kid was able to delete the pictures his teacher sent him, one of his friends took a screenshot of one of them and spread it through the school.
Modisette, who has been teaching at the school for three and a half years, was arrested and charged with a Class A misdemeanor distribution of harmful material to a minor. She has obviously been placed on administrative leave pending further investigation.
Now, while it has not been confirmed, this is the Snap that Modisette reportedly sent that lucky kid:
One interesting note is that if you head over to Rate My Teachers, Modisette has a rating of one star and a review that reads: "she sends nudes to her students."
And now all her classes are full.
Via NY Daily News
Quite an education: Teacher Has Sex With Students In Car, Roof Of School, Gets 22 Years
Everyone wants to sell their junk nowadays and sometimes it is pretty easy for yours to get lost in the shuffle. But something tells me that the ad below won't get lost, and that's mainly because the description of this dude's motorcycle is probably the best you'll ever read.
Check out how great this "bad ass" Honda 2000 CR500 is:
I was sold at "this thing is going to shake your arms off."
Another genius: This Is The Greatest Used Car Craigslist Posting Of All Time
Apparently envy is a sin that people commit a lot; or at least they do according to the photos below. Whether it's a gal wishing she had her friend's boobs, or some poor guy wishing he had reeled in a bigger catch, these folks were caught the moment jealously was painted all over their faces.
Also very obvious: All These Guys Were Caught Checking Out Women
When we wake up tired and feeling awful, we tell ourselves that we will go to bed at a decent hour that night. The only problem is that we never do, and somehow find the energy to stay up late yet again instead. And only this video of Shaq posted on Insta_Comedy explains that recurrence perfectly.
Try again tomorrow.
No explanation needed: This Is How To Truly 'Drop It Like It's Hot'
Guns N' Roses
Hollywood Rose sounds like a drink special at Applebee's, but it's actually part of the budding band that blossomed into Guns N' Roses, a group that's about to break up again. Before Hollywood Rose though, Bill Rose, Issy Stradlin and Chris Weber (not of Fab Five fame) actually started a band called AXL, which is where Bill nabbed his famous name. Then they started calling themselves Rose and quickly realized that was taken, too. So they added "Hollywood." When they added Tracii Guns of L.A. Guns and dumped Weber (who didn't call a timeout he didn't have and lose the championship), they dropped the drink special and formed Guns N' Roses. Which, by the way, almost sounds as good as Guns N' Axels.
The Goo Goo Dolls
As is, they have the worst name in band history. I don't know what the f--k a Goo Goo Doll is, and I don't care. All I know is from the second I heard the name, I wanted nothing to do with a band that would call themselves something so stupid. Now, had they gone with their original pick The Sex Maggots, I might have given them a shot. Unless, of course, their music still sounded like Goo Goo Dolls.
When Larry Mullen was but a wee Irish lad of 14, he got himself a new drum kit and needed some mates to rock out with. So on the bulletin board at Mount Temple Comprehensive School, he posted up an ad for The Larry Mullen Band. Six dudes responded; three of them, along with Mullen, make up the entirety of the band we know today. Of course, back in 1976, Paul Hewson wasn't yet known as Bono, but he was apparently already a bit Napoleonic, because Mullen's name lasted about as long as Bono's legs. Shortly thereafter, they were known as Feedback, and then The Hype, which also featured The Edge's brother Dik Evans. But mid-show, in a planned phasing out, Evans walked off the stage. And from that moment on, U2 would soar forever more as a foursome. And then Apartheid fell.
Simon & Garfunkel
Remarkably, here's another somewhat lasting group that met as little ones. Granted, S&G didn't have the sticking power of the boys from Dublin, but they did start performing together as sixth graders in a production of "Alice and Wonderland." Soon, they were doo-wopping up a storm and going by Tom & Jerry (because "Tom and Jerry," and they didn't want to sound so Jewey). Paul went with Jerry Landis, because he dug a girl named Sue Landis; Art went with Tom Graph after his undeniably Jewish love of graphing chart toppers on graph paper. Tom & Jerry garnered some early success, even playing they're minor hit "Hey School Girl" on "American Bandstand" after the Killer sang "Great Balls of Fire." But, as we Jews are wont to do, Paul and Art went off to college. When they started the band back up again in 1964 as the folk duo Simon and Garfunkel, they bravely let their Jew flags fly, especially Art, who showed the world a Jew-fro the likes of which they'd never seen before, and essentially paved the way for Drake.
Red Hot Chili Peppers
OK, obviously there's a trend developing here: If you start your band young, the name might not stick. Indeed, Anthony Kiedis, Hillel Slovak and Michael Peter Balzary (a.k.a. Flea) all went to Fairfax High School together. According to lore, they came together at the suggestion of a friend in the band Gary and Neighbor's Voices, who thought the three would-be Chilis should open for them even though the trio didn't actually have a band (or any songs for that matter). But whatever, they "wrote for the occasion," rocked the house, and the club owner, a well-known lover of alliteration, invited Tony Flow and the Miraculously Majestic Masters of Mayhem back.
Before becoming one of the biggest selling girl groups of all time, Destiny's Child started out as six tweens going by the name Girl's Tyme, and even appeared on "Star Search" as such. Alas, in one of the greatest injustices ever witnessed by Ed McMahon, perhaps the whitest, most theater dorky band ever Skeleton Crew took out Bey's bunch. So Bey's dad and manager -- the Queen Father -- cleaned house, dropped some tweens, and changed the band's name to Something Fresh, then Cliché, then Dolls, then Destiny, before deciding to pick up the good Book of Isaiah and plucking the words "destiny's child" for repurposing.
Chris Martin and Jonny Buckland first started making the world a softer place at University College London, where they had a band called Pectoralz, which is pretty bad considering it means nothing to seemingly anyone, but sort of suggests men with their shirts off to everyone. So when Guy Berryman joined up, they changed their name to Starfish, which definitely suggests anal sex. Alas, apparently the name Starfish wasn't wussy enough, so they finally decided on Coldplay. The name came to them via another UCL student who had been calling his own band "Coldplay" until he decided that was just too depressing. So apparently Coldplay has actually been trying to depress us all along.
Earth, Wind & Fire
If you love soulful, funky baby-making music, you'll love Maurice White's earlier band The Salty Peppers. I get the Peppers part, but I hear no saltiness, just a whole lot of sweet as saccharine "La La Time." Alas, the band's name was ripe for a changing after their second single "Uh Huh Yeah" didn't catch on in the Midwest (where White was a steady session player for Chess Records). That's probably because it was pretty much disco before disco was even a thing -- but you know, good disco. Either way, it was way too ahead of its time for the stiffs in the Flyover States, so White loaded up the truck and moved to California. Then he launched a bigger, groovier experiment under the name Earth, Wind & Fire, which has something to do with Zodiac elements and his birth sign Sagittarius.
Just when you thought Creed couldn't suck any harder, you learn they originally called the band Naked Toddler. Reportedly, guitarist Mark Tremonti carried around a newspaper clipping in his wallet about a "naked toddler" getting kidnapped. And Tremonti was somehow convinced this would make a great band name. Even more disturbingly, he convinced other terrible people of this as well. Fortunately, they had the good sense to change the name after realizing it reminded people of naked toddlers being abducted. Unfortunately, they never quite recovered.
When I was still pissing the bed as a 10-year-old fourth-grader, the only way to make it through a game of Super Mario Bros. on Nintendo in less than 10 minutes was by attaching the Game Genie to your cartridge and reading through the latest issue of Nintendo Power to find the best cheat codes.
Fast forward to 2016, where this gamer Darbian basically is the Game Genie.
Darbian live-streamed his most recent effort to beat the Nintendo classic in world record time, and he also rigged the console to display his heart rate during the process. The result? You guessed it: A nearly flawless run that not only doubled his heart rate but also "destroyed" the previous world record by a few milliseconds.
Shortly after his record-breaking performance, Darbian said his quest was finally over, and he's done with Super Mario Bros. Only time will tell if he gives River City Ransom the same treatment and goes for a perfect run through the frat guys' turf.
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Though I've never actually used the product myself, I assume that 5-Hour Energy comes in small bottles for a reason. Namely, to be ingested one at a time and, at most, twice a day. But if you're an individual of an extreme persuasion who believes they could handle the energy drink in Big Gulp proportions for a boost that lasts all day (and possibly night), you may be forced to reconsider after browsing the following Amazon review.
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Did you spot the grammatical error in that headline? Well, I assure you it was more intentional than the blunder in the picture below. No matter how good you think you look in the light of the bathroom, it's important to remember that there are numerous items in there that could contribute to the downfall of your self-esteem. While not the worst sexy selfie gone wrong ever taken, things get a little more up close and personal in the following photo than anyone would like to see.
No boogers up there, at least. That's gotta count for something, right?
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