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    0 0

    On a day like 4/20, it's important to remember to set aside some time to kick back and enjoy yourself, however you may (bubble sounds) choose to do so (exhales). But no matter how hard you want to push it all aside and take a moment to unwind, life has a tendency to be the worst roommate ever. Hence, any number of the following things can go wrong when you just wanna get stoned and chill out.

    #8 - Fall Asleep Immediately
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, fall asleep immediately
    Don't get me wrong, nodding off is a great way to end your drug-induced stupor eventually, but not to start it off. I didn't even get through ONE episode of "Workaholics"? And now I wake up at 4 a.m. and realize I have to get up for work in three hours! I may as well have just taken a damn NyQuil!


    #7 - Realize You Have No Food in the House
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, no food
    To try and relate to individuals living a healthy lifestyle, getting stoned without having food (especially of the junk variety) in the house is very similar to going on your early morning jog without your personal water bottle -- you aren't going to get very far before resorting to #8 above. Fortunately, that's what delivery is for. It's a small inconvenience in the long run, and at least you didn't have to drive anywhere. But what if you did?


    #6 - Someone Needs a Ride
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, someone needs a ride
    As a guy who used to live close to an airport, I can tell you that giving rides to people is about the last thing you want to do after ripping it -- both from a legal perspective and because you don't want to move. Lucky for you, as technology advances, problems like this resolve themselves. If your friend calls for a ride, tell them you'll order them an Uber. Worst case -- they take you up on it and you're out 15 bucks. Best case -- they realize this would have been the easier option in the first place and you can get back to watching the "Sanford and Son" reruns you were right in the middle of when they called.


    #5 - Mistaking Your Useless Stoner Thoughts For Actual Good Ideas
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, stoner thoughts
    Don't get me wrong, I think the world would be a better place if they made ketchup packets the same size as salad dressing packets because it would save everyone the time it takes opening up four to six small individual packets, but this still isn't going anywhere. Yeah, you took it all down as a note in your phone and labeled it "Geniuos Ketchup Idea" (with "genius" spelled wrong and all), but are you really going to do anything with the idea from there? No. Are you going to tell it to anyone in a position to make it happen? Probably not. Stop wasting your precious stoned time. Either make it into a funny Hits Blunt meme or get back to browsing Tim & Eric videos like the irresponsible person you are.


    #4 - A Knock At the Door
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, knock at door
    Goddammit! I just wanted to sit alone in my home and watch old cartoons on the Boomerang network without having to interact with anyone or feel ashamed. I've already shut myself off from society and turned off my phone. Now you have the audacity to come knocking at my door? All I wanted was my little peace and quiet. Was that too much to ask?... Oh, it's the pizza guy. Sweet! If it had been literally anyone else, this would have been the exact nightmare I was making it out to b-- you son of a John.


    #3 - Minor Injury
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, minor injury
    To those of you fortunate enough never to hurt yourselves while baked, congratulations are in order. It's certainly no picnic, especially when blood is drawn. Sure, an injury, no matter what the actual damage, is no fun with or without the aid of marijuana, but for some reason it is that much more unbearable while high. You can't stop thinking about it. Even something as minor as a nick while shaving has the potential to get you real queasy, real fast. Then again, what the hell are you doing shaving right now anyways?


    #2 - Hear a Strange Noise
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, hear strange noise
    On the flip side of the whole "knock at the door" angle is the paranoia angle. That's when instead of getting pissed at the prospect of strangers beckoning at odd hours of the night, you suddenly begin noticing every creak and crack your place has to offer as you revert back to your four-year-old self seeing the VHS cover to "Child's Play 2" for the first time. Only now, you're an adult, so swap out a killer doll with actual serial murderers you've read about and amplify that fear of them breaking into your home and killing you times 100. Of course, you'll eventually calm down and realize you're only freaked out because you must have some really good stuff...of course, that's when the murderer always strikes!


    #1 - Parents Call
    worst things to happen while stoned, worst things that can happen when high, parents call
    If there's one thing to fear even more than being bludgeoned to death by a madman, it's talking to your folks after peeling off a fresh bong load. Yes, you're an adult; you can make your own decisions, but you still don't want to get caught. Even though it's gotta be painfully obvious that you're just bluffing your way through the conversation right now. I mean, your mom just spent the past 20 minutes telling you every mundane detail of her day-to-day life, and you followed it up with, "So, how's your week been?" because you' were so preoccupied trying to act normal, you weren't paying any attention. Talk about a vicious cycle.

     

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    weed strain sex move or album name game
    420 is one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately, I only remember it about half the time. But that's not going to happen this year, because I've been so focused on putting together this high-brow game to be played on this very day. You may think you know your weed strains, or your sex moves, or your album names, but I'm willing to bet you get them confused every now and then, because there's a lot of eerie crossover in these three realms (which may or may not mean something). One thing this game definitely means: if you get all the answers right, you're our kind of degenerate. (cover photo via Redbubble)

    1. Purple Monkey Balls
    (click for answer)

    2. Ballin' Jack
    (click for answer)

    3. Brown Sugar
    (click for answer)

    4. Blue Moon Rocks
    (click for answer)

    5. The Dirty South
    (click for answer)

    6. Porcupine
    (click for answer)

    7. Hurricane
    (click for answer)

    8. Berry White
    (click for answer)

    9. Alaskan Thunder F**k
    (click for answer)

    10. Alaskan Pipeline
    (click for answer)

    11. Eskimo Trebuchet
    (click for answer)

    12. Canadian Jackhammer
    (click for answer)

    ANSWERS:

    1. Weed!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, purple monkey balls marijuana strain
    Though it sounds like a much worse case of blue balls, it's actually an indica-dominant strain that's apparently great for chronic pain. So if you get really bad blue balls, smoke this. But if they become purple balls, you should probably see a doctor. (click here to return to quiz)


    2. Album!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, ballin' jack
    "Ballin'" is definitely suggestive. As is "Jack." So together, Ballin' Jack has to be a sex move, right? Wrong. Though you can't begin to listen to the early '70s Seattle horn rockers' first self-titled funkified album without busting some moves (on the dance floor, of course). You'll recognize these guys sampled in a number of tunes, including two outstanding rap tunes: Young MC's "Bust a Move" and Beastie Boys' "Shadrach" of "smoking and drinking on a Tuesday night" fame.(click here to return to quiz)


    3. Album!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, brown sugar d'angelo
    How many of you guessed sex move just because you heard the word "brown"? That doesn't automatically mean it's something ass-related, you dirty birds. Though, technically it's a D'Angelo album, so who knows what kind of kinky stuff people have gotten up to whilst blaring these baby-making jams. And how many of you associated Brown Sugar with heroin, a drug you inevitably get into after experimenting with weed?
    (click here to return to quiz)


    4. Weed!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, blue moon rocks marijuana strain
    This is tricky because there's a lot of Blue-Mooning going on in music, but as far as I can tell, no one has picked such an album name as Blue Moon Rocks. There is a rocking little oldie's band called The Blue Moon Rockers, but have yet to produce such an album—just don't tell that to the 13 Spotify listeners tuning in from Stockholm at the time of this writing. For the rest of us, Blue Moon Rocks is a calming cross between Blue Moon and BOG Bubble that's currently rocking a 4.6 out of 5.0 user rating on Leafly.com. Which seems high to me. (click here to return to quiz)


    5. Album!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, the dirty south drive-by truckers
    Sorry, not a greasy fried chicken 69. And no, not the town brown grown down in the country, either. Actually, "The Dirty South" is a heartfelt Drive-By Truckers album, the second of theirs to feature the so-good Jason Isbell. Alt country with truth on the rocks. Heavy stuff, which actually goes better with Bourbon than weed. I'm sorry, did I say "than weed"? I meant "and weed." (click here to return to quiz)


    6. Sex move!
    Maybe the pineapple-y sound subliminally mixed with the "Pineapple Express" connotation and caused you to guess weed strain. Or perhaps you thought some clever metal band thought "Porcupine" would go Platinum. But alas, Porcupine can be used to describe nearly three full pages of sex moves in the Urban Dictionary! And they're all terrible, so I've tried to block them out. But one keeps sticking out. Basically, when you're fisting someone, open up all your fingers and give that special someone the 'ol Pineapple. You know, if you're into that sort of thing. (click here to return to quiz)


    7. Trick question!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, hurricane soulja boy
    It's both an album name and a weed strain! Man, this game is getting fun! Besides the title of a film-inspiring Bob Dylan song, Spotify also identifies plenty of albums named after everyone's favorite natural disaster, including Life House, Soulja Boy, and even Grace Jones—who I'm listening to right now and feel like I'm having intimate discourse with Strangé from "Boomerang". Hurricane is also a weed strain, generally a 70/30 sativa-dominant (sativa is up, indica is down) that's good for a daytime buzz, according to Leafly, my new source for all self-medicating. And for those keeping score at home, I didn't find a Hurricane sex move, but there is the Reverse Cowgirl Hurricane Loveship which involves a bathtub and active circular humping.
    (click here to return to quiz)


    8. Weed!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, berry white marijuana strain
    Thought I might have tricked some of you poor spellers who thought I was talking about Barry White's self-titled debut album. But true Barry White fans know he doesn't have a self-titled album, except for a couple of greatest hits compilations, which don't count. Of course, you stoners—regardless of spelling chops—will know that Berry White is a lovely, relaxing, euphoric strain made up of two stalwarts in the weed world: Blueberry and White Widow. Not only is it a great high, but you also can't help but self-identify as "The Icon of Love" when you smoke it. (click here to return to quiz)


    9. Weed!
    weed strain sex move or album name game, alaskan thunder fuck marijuana strain
    Sure, it sounds like a sex move you might pull if you're in Alaska and it's butt-ass cold out, but a girl—one of the 14 in all of Alaska—who you just met is batshit nuts enough to want to hump you immediately, so you take her outdoors and get to it quickly so nothing important freezes. But no, as fun as that sounds, ATF is actually a "legendary" sativa, which according to Leafly, has a creeper effect and a tendency to give you munchies—two attributes which can actually go well with thunder f**king. (click here to return to quiz)


    10. Sex move!
    Upon further research, it appears there really is an Alaskan sex move (two, actually). To throw you off the scent, I chose this one for the game because "Pipeline" might make you think of pipe, which is what you smoke your weed out of. It also makes you think of surfing, which a lot of weed smokers generally do. But really, the Alaskan Pipeline is a sex move that involves having your partner poop into a condom, freeze it, and then using it as a sex toy. Which you then eat. This is only slightly less disturbing then the other sex move from the Last Frontier, the Alaskan Heatstroke, which I believe is technically illegal, even in Alaska. Or at least in the parts of Alaska actually abiding by the laws of man. (click here to return to quiz)


    11. Sex move!
    I apologize that this game is becoming more of an examination of Northern proclivities, but I just can't stop finding sex acts from up there that would actually make for a great weed strain or album name. This one involves putting your Johnson between your legs like Buffalo Bill, then having your partner suck you from behind, all while farting and puking and splattering in odd places, thus creating the visual of a ... you know, I don't even get what this is. A trebuchet is a siege engine from the middle ages, which definitely sounds like an interesting sex move, but I can't figure out how this move has anything to do with Eskimos. Regardless, be wary of heading too far north. (click here to return to quiz)


    12. Sex move!
    What in the f**k is going on up there, guys? Honestly, I'm not even searching for Northern-themed sex moves, just regular old sex moves in general, and yet you guys keep popping up in disgusting, horrendous, mostly illegal ways. This one is definitively assault, with or without consent, as you just can't go standup-reverse-69ing with someone, and then purposefully drop them on their head. You just can't do that! (click here to return to quiz)

     

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    10 Things To Do During The Purge
    If there's one thing I think about almost every day of my life, it's what I would do during the purge. The problem is that everyone in the movies is doing the purge wrong. Don't waste your one night of punishment-free crime on killing people, you vagrant. Be smart! If you play it right, you could be living the high life the other 364 days of the year. Here's how you do it.

    1. Plan Ahead
    OK, if you absolutely INSIST on killing people during the purge, at least strategize ahead of time and come up with some sort of game plan. There are guys on the street corner selling weapons the day of the purge. This is way worse than trying to go present shopping on Christmas Day. What, are you going to buy a machete an hour before it starts and just run around in the streets and hope for the best? Get it together.

    10 Things To Do During The Purge
    2. Make Some Money
    Why does everyone ONLY focus on murder? There are so many moneymaking opportunities during the purge. Steal an armored car. Rob a bank. Heck, if you don't want to go for a heist that big, just clean out a few gas stations. Get their cash and all those lottery tickets. That has to be a few thousand dollars AND the fun of scratching off all the tickets. There's just no excuse for you to be broke after the purge.

    3. Travel Internationally
    If you REALLY want to avoid the purge just book a trip to Canada or any other country in the world that happens to coincide with purge day. If you have a pet, you should probably bring them with you though, just to be safe. Your home might not be there when you get back, but at least you aren't dead. Wait, why don't you just MOVE to another country? Problem solved!

    4. Advance Your Career
    Let's say you own a car dealership and your big competitor is across town. Lock your place down, then go burn his to the ground. Just like that, you've become the top dealership in the tri-county area. Plus what better way to show how durable and long-lasting your cars are than advertising that they all survived the purge?

    10 Things To Do During The Purge
    5. Invest In Your Night
    Remember that guy that had a fully stocked truck with a massive machine gun in the back? He knew what was up. He knew that, if you're going to go out on a night where thousands of people are just randomly committing murder, you need to do a little more than sharpen a knife. It doesn't matter if you kill your target if now, you're stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing but maniacs between you and your safehouse. If you don't have the money to do it right, then it's probably better to skip this year.

    6. Get Online
    Why does everything think you need to leave your home to commit all these crimes? Do you realize how much damage you could do from the comfort of your own home with nothing but a laptop? You could steal all the money you would ever need, you could destroy your enemies, if that's they type of thing you're into, or you could just spend the whole time illegally downloading all the movies and music you want with no fear of consequence whatsoever. Plus, you're definitely not going to get stabbed! Win-win!

    7. Sell Exotic Pets
    I mean, this is for a VERY specific demographic of people, but if you've always wanted to start an illegal exotic pets business; this is the day to do it. I bet there are plenty of people out there that would rather buy a pet koala than commit a murder.

    10 Things To Do During The Purge
    8. Go Camping
    Let's say you don't have enough money to buy a fortified home for the purge. What do you do? You can't stay there while vandals and murderers break down the door and slaughter you. Thankfully there's a solution. Go camping! Even if you have to leave a few days before to get out in the middle of the woods, it's worth it. Just find a spot in the absolute middle of nowhere and, if you have a friend, take turns guarding the tent on the off chance of someone messing with you. It's honestly a good excuse to get out of the city anyway.

    9. Stock Up On Necessities
    Again, nothing about the purge says you HAVE to be a murderer. Take a group to Costco and stock up on household goods and items that'll last for the next decade. And if you have to get your hands a little dirty in the process, at least now you're stocked up on bleach to get all the blood out of your clothes!

    10 Things To Do During The Purge
    10. Pretty Much Anything Besides Murder
    Literally anything else would be more beneficial than legally killing a bunch of random people. With all this advice, if you get killed during the purge, the only person you have to blame is yourself. Well, yourself and the person that murdered you.

     

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    0 0

    Zero. Not one person has ever died from a marijuana overdose. Not last year. Not the year before. Not ever. That goose egg has remained steady over the years. So go get high and watch "Rick and Morty" on a loop for the rest of the day. You'll be fine.

    Here's How Many People Died From Marijuana Overdoses Last Year

    (Just be careful with actual problem drugs like, ya know, coke, heroin, prescription painkillers and, of course, booze.)

    h/t Huffington Post

    Smoke and learn: 25 Fun Facts About Marijuana

     

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    No matter how you put it, kiss cam is awkward; people go to live games to see sports, not to see people making out on a jumbotron. If people wanted to see a guy eagerly trying to get a clearly uncomfortable girl to kiss him, they would just go see high school me. Although sometimes, the kiss cam offers us some true gems.

    While at the Boston Celtics vs. Atlanta Hawks game, the kiss cam locked in on a couple who quickly start to suck face. But it's the blonde behind them that steals the show:


    Incredible. Now let's add some music to that:


    I don't know if this is staged or not, but frankly I don't care. It is always nice to see people show love to something that really matters: pizza.

    And now to propose to that woman.

    h/t Distractify

    Not as attractive: Here Is Mark Cuban Blowing Kisses To Steve Ballmer On The Kiss Cam

     

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    If you ever find yourself feeling down, just know that you aren't alone. I mean, you really, really aren't alone. Because the photos below should serve as a reminder that we're all in this together; we're all miserable. So hey, take solace in that, and check out the most depressing things the Internet has to offer.

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet

    Most Depressing Photos On The Internet
    Via The Chive

    Although this is pretty depressing as well: The Saddest Home Offices You'll Ever See

     

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    We're just a few days away from the season six premiere of the massive HBO hit "Game of Thrones," and while you're counting down the days, we feel like we've found something from Uplust(warning: link is NSFW) that will definitely help you pass the time.

    'Game Of Boobs' Will Make You Even More Eager For The 'Game Of Thrones' Season Premiere
    It's called "Game of Boobs." That's right, it has the one thing you can never get enough of on the show: boobs. The game is extremely simple: match the pair of boobs to the character. And if you're a perv who happens to be obsessed with the show, you should have no problem matching up those goods.

    From Khaleesi to Margaery Tyrell, there are enough boobs on here for everyone's liking.

    In order to play this NSFW game, head on over to this link. But again, it's NSFW because boobs. But if you're at home then perv away.

    'Game Of Boobs' Will Make You Even More Eager For The 'Game Of Thrones' Season Premiere
    And don't forget about butts: Booty Crush: It's Candy Crush...With Booty Instead Of Candy (Duh)

     

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    Well, then. It sounds like her god shops at Target.

    According to The Smoking Gun, a 34-year-old South Carolina woman was arrested Monday night after police said she intentionally crashed her 2007 Ford Focus into a Camden Walmart.

    Her reason for doing so? You guessed it: God told her to do it.

    woman says God told her to drive her car into Walmart
    Authorities said surveillance video shows Crystal Marshall driving in the Walmart parking lot and then suddenly turning and plowing her car "directly into the building." Officers who arrived on the scene noted that Marshall was "screaming and causing a disturbance" while telling everybody that "God told her to do it."

    Police didn't buy it and booked Marshall on disorderly conduct and "malicious injury to real property" charges after her little stunt caused $1,000 in damages. They don't believe Marshall was under the influence of alcohol, but it's "unknown" if she was on some kind of drug.

    Well for her sake, let's hope she was.

    Now we'll have to wait and see if the same god who told her to ram her shitty car into the store will also show up to bail her out of jail.

    Life is like a trip to Walmart. You never know what you're going to get: The Wild And Crazy People Of Walmart

     

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    By now, you should know that people in Florida do things quite a bit differently than pretty much everybody else on the planet. For example, check out the methods these "adults" from Cooper City used to teach their kids the basic fundamentals of Little League baseball during a recent game:


    Almost as funny as this poor kid just standing at home plate in full catcher's gear trying to comprehend why a group of adults would brawl during a meaningless game of youth baseball has to be the coach that emerges from the bottom of the pile at the 14-second mark and throws his hands up in the air as if to say, "F--k it. Cindy, grab the kids and toys. We're going home!"

    There were no arrests after the skirmish, and that's a damn shame. I for one would have loved to watch a grown man sit before a judge and explain the thought process behind why it was necessary to throw blows at his kid's baseball game.

    h/t Barstool Sports

    This is considered coaching in Russia: A-hole Russian Soccer Coach Kicks Kid

     

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    Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill is a welcome, refreshing update to our nation's currency, but with change comes a flood of other suggestions that are far from ideal. You may not realize it, but at any given time there are hundreds of currency changes being considered all over the world. Here are some of the least popular ones pitched over the past few years.

    1. The Goldman Sachs logo on the $20 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    2. Crying Michael Jordan on the French 10
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    3. Guy Fieri on the Cuban 3
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    4. Nic Cage on the Austrian 1000
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    5. Jar Jar Binks on the Biafran 5
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    6. Kim Kardashian and Ray J on the $100 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    7. Borat on the Trinidadian 100
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    8. Ric Flair on the $1 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    9. Hillary Clinton dancing on Ellen on the Russian 100
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    10. Bud Light Lime-A-Rita on the $2 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    11. The Purge guy on the Russian 3
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    12. Eli Manning on the Polish 20000
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    13. Rob Thomas and Santana on the Trinidadian 1
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    14. The whipped cream scene from Mrs. Doubtfire on the Yugoslavian 100
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    15. Macklemore on the Pakistani 100
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    16. Papa John on the $10 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    17. Shrek on the Polish 1000
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    18. The old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials on the Saudi 1
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    19. Ted Cruz on some Kohl's cash
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements


    20. Some Chinese yuan on the $100 bill
    rejected currency changes, harriet tubman on 20 dollar bill, other currency replacements

     

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    0 0

    We can think of two big reasons why that might happen.

    According to The Sun(warning: link is NSFW), a rather busty Mexican police officer has been placed on "gardening leave" after a picture of her sitting in the back of her squad car in uniform with her semi-automatic gun on her lap found its way onto Facebook. But it's probably the fact that her two magnificent bare breasts were hanging out of the top of said uniform that really got her into hot water.

    Mexican police officer selfie with breast hanging out of uniform
    Nildo Garcia was suspended after her superiors in Escobedo were able to identify the badge on her arm, which we happened to miss for some reason.

    It's unknown how long Garcia's bosses will take to make a decision on the matter, but you have to think if she's reinstated to the police force, the amount of men in her district getting arrested on purpose will likely increase by at least 600 percent.

    If you arrest us, we'll leak nudie pics of you: Sexy Brazilian Cop Arrests Gang Leader, Gang Responds By Leaking Nude Photos Of Her

     

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    The best thing about movies these days is that they are constantly rebooted and sequelled to absolute death. OK, that's actually terrible, but it's good news for the porn industry, which wasn't nearly as prevalent even 20 years ago as it is now. As such, they have a buffet of both classic and modern movie titles to parody. Hell, even if they have been spoofed already, just say it's a revamp of the old one and call it a day. That's what we plan to do if by some absurd coincidence any of the following porn titles we made up actually exist. But we're pretty sure they don't (even though they totally should).

    Squirtigo

    Pump Friction

    Tits & Assic Park


    Captain Erotica: The Winter Boner

    Forrest Dump...On My Chest
    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, forrest dump on my chest, forrest gump
    The world will never be the same once you've seen it through the eyes of Forrest Dump.

    F--k Club

    American History XXX

    Dicklash

    Stand Behind Me


    Glad He Ate Her (Out)
    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, glad he ate her out, gladiator
    "Are you not entertained!?"

    Mount My Python and Hold the Rail

    Hung Like The Elephant Man


    Dial M for Muffdiver

    2 Girls 1 Tin Cup

    12 Horny Men

    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, 12 horny men, 12 angry men
    Life is in their hands -- sex is on their minds!

    A Cock On Lips, Now

    The 12-Inch Pianist

    InFAPtion

    Eternal Cumshot of the Hottest Kind

    Sit On My Scarface

    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, sit on my scarface, scarface, gladiator
    "Say hello to my totally average-sized friend!"

    How to Run a Train on Your Dragon

    Panty Raiders of the Lost Ark

    Indiana Bones and the Ass Crusade

    The True Man Show

    2001: A Space Hottie Three (Way)

    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, 2001 a space hottie three way, 2001 a space odyssey
    "I'm sorry, babes, I'm afraid I can't do that."

    Grind Hogs Day

    The Bone Identity

    Ben-Hur? I Just Met Her

    Pan's Labia

    Who Banged Rhonda's Rad Tits?

    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, who banged rhonda's rad tits, who framed roger rabbit
    It's the story of a man, a woman and a rabbit in a triangle of double...Ds, that is.

    The Rear Hunter

    No Man Holiday

    V for Vagina

    Dong Day Afternoon

    The Sexth Sense

    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, the sexth sense, the sixth sense
    "I see nude people."

    Strangers Bang on a Train

    On the Bonerfront

    Guess Who's Cumming In Her

    My Hairy Lady

    Snatch
    funny porn titles, funny porn titles that should definitely exist, snatch
    Sorry, but some movies are already their funniest porn parody title.

    Related: These 22 Bands Are In Desperate Need Of A Reboot

     

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  • 04/21/16--04:15: Today's Funny Photos
  • I say "funny," you say "photos." FUNNY! (PHOTOS!) FUNNY! (PHOTOS!) Now I say "Samwise," you say "Frodo." SAMWISE! (FRODO!) SAMWISE! (FRODO!)

    That was just a test to see if anyone actually reads these intros. If you did and chanted along -- thank you.

    funny photos, change her oil

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz
    Give us a follow on Twitter and Instagram.

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz
    Check out yesterday's Funny Photos, too.

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, lolz
    More: Funny Photos For Days

     

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    Whether you believe in ghosts or not, it's hard not to feel a little nervous when you're in a dark room and your eyes decide to play tricks on you. And anything resembling something that shouldn't be in the room will freak you the hell out. And that was the case when this person slept over at mom's.

    This Guy Caught A Ghost At His Mom's House
    I'm pretty sure that's the Mothman from West Virginia.

    h/t Pleated-Jeans

    The hell is that? There Is Definitely A Ghost In This Picture A Guy Took At The Stanley Hotel

     

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    Vine might not be the best platform for comedy, but it's a great way to capture unintentional hilarity that would've gone completely unnoticed otherwise. These people may not have meant to be viral sensations, but because of unfortunate circumstances we can now cringe along with them. Here are 20 of the most cringeworthy and hauntingly terrible Vine videos you will ever see.

    1. This nightmare of a romantic ballad.



    2. Hillary Clinton's terrible joke delivered with the conviction of a toddler learning to read.



    3. She hangs on a little too long and then lets go a little too soon.



    4. This kid actually got stuffed in a locker at school.



    5. It's quite possible that no one has taken this long to fall before.


    6. Don't ever grab the mic.


    7. This sums up so much of what life is like.


    8. This is why your mom always yelled at you about playing on the shopping cart.


    9. Grandpa may not have survived this day at the pool.


    10. Dancing on top of a car rarely works out in your favor.


    11. We never get to see the end of this, but it probably did not go well.


    12. What in the world was this gym activity supposed to be?


    13. Oh goodness.


    14. I almost threw up watching this.


    15. It's not funny, but it's kind of hilarious.


    16. This guy tried to do...something at a toy store and it did not go as planned.


    17. So close...yet so far.


    18. Dad gets a little too wild and regrets it.


    19. I have watched this Vine at least 5,000 times.


    20. Just watch the girl in the background and call it a day.


    More: The #FRESHAVOCADO Vine Tag Gets Funnier Every Day

     

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    Life is good. Can I get an amen? But sometimes, life also sucks. And it sucks harder if you do something to really fuck it up. Don't do these things. They are very bad and stupid. (Note: These bad things do not include incredibly obvious bad things like violence, sex crimes or murder. But please don't do those either.)

    10. Get Really Into CrossFit
    crossfit meme, crossfit burpees again
    Do you realize that once you become a CrossFit guy you have to keep it up? That means working out like an insane person for a really long time. Why would you do that to yourself? And even if you do stick with it, you are going to end up miserable and working out alone in your basement just like Bruce Wayne in "Batman v. Superman." Just say no to CrossFit.

    9. Quit Your Job With No Other Job Lined Up
    quit job meme, fuck this shit meme
    It probably felt really good storming into your boss's office and telling him that he sucks. Fuck that guy, right? Well, enjoy the feeling for the next couple days. On Monday when you realize you have $200 left in your bank account, it may be a little less pleasant.

    8. Blow Your Knees Out Playing Pickup Hoops
    along came polly basketball gif, along came polly let it rain, philip seymour hoffman basketball
    Dude, you haven't been good at basketball since high school. And you were only decent then. Now your knee is swollen to the size of a grapefruit and you need a new ACL because you tried to keep up with a bunch of ex-college players in pickup ball at 24 Hour Fitness. If you are older than 30, don't even risk it. Get some of your buddies together and join a bowling league instead. Your body will thank you.

    7. Get Into A Relationship With A Crazy Person
    crazy girlfriend, crazy girlfriend meme
    Nothing is more stressful, time-consuming and downright terrifying than being in a relationship with an insane person. Yet, we've all been there. Sure, it can be entertaining for a minute, but once the "crazy in the sack" charm wears off, you are only left with crazy. And if you aren't careful — or if you are one of those people who says you are attracted to crazy then I'll keep a lookout for you in a future "Dateline" murder mystery.

    6. Drive Home Hammered And Get A DUI
    dui billboard, you just blew $10,000
    The days can be stressful, and sometimes a couple drinks after work sound too awesome to pass up. That's fine. The problem is that a few more drinks after that are going to sound even better, and eventually driving home to pass out is going to seem like the best course of action to take. It's not. If you manage not to kill yourself or someone else on the way home, you still might get pulled over and get a DUI. That is going to cost you thousands of dollars that you don't have because you work a shitty job that you want to quit, need to pay for knee surgery, and are spending all your extra cash on dates with a crazy person.

    5. Cheat On Your Significant Other
    jude law sienna miller, jude law cheats with nanny
    Cheaters never win. Or, they win for a long time but eventually get caught and then look like a huge piece of shit forever (call it the Lance Armstrong law). This applies to relationships, as well (call it the Jude Law...law). No matter how tempting sex with your nanny sounds, it's never worth it. You will hurt the one you love, be labeled an asshole for the rest of your life, feel terrible, and best case scenario, end up like Sad Ben Affleck (he cheated on his wife with their nanny, too).

    4. Cheat On Your Significant Other With Your Best Friend's Significant Other
    jerry springer cheating, cheated with your girlfriend
    Now you're getting really trashy with it. And instead of just fucking up your life, you're fucking up four of them. Way to go, asshole!

    3. Dabble In Meth
    walter white dead, walter white dead gif, final scene breaking bad
    Haven't you ever seen "Breaking Bad?!" You're going to end up very dead and the possibilities of how you are going to end up dead are endless. Oh, and the people you love may end up dead, too. Meth...not even once, bro.

    2. Get A Girl Who You Don't Want To Spend The Rest Of Your Life With Pregnant
    gob i've made a huge mistake, huge mistake gif
    Let me guess: you didn't really want to have a baby right now. And I'll also assume that this girl you just got pregnant is a direct result of #7 on this list. Well, good luck. No matter what, you now have something in common with all the awful couples on "Teen Mom." Have you ever seen "Knocked Up?" Pretty funny, right? Wrong. After the credits roll, that couple grows to despise each other even more and their child grows up angry, dabbles in meth, and eventually does #1 on this list. So sad.

    1. Join A Cult
    the leftovers guilty remnant, not a cult, join a cult
    Don't join a cult. Joining a cult never ends well, even if you think it is a good thing when you are joining it. And if people are asking you questions like, "So, what exactly is with this group you have been spending a lot of time with lately?" and you're first answer is, "It's not a cult," then it's definitely a cult. And you should not join it. If you do, your life will eventually be very fucked up.

    (Honorable mentions go to: Play With Fireworks, Send A Dick Pic and Get Duped By A Ponzi Scheme)

     

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    It is pretty nerve-wracking to call in sick, even when you really are sick, but it's a little less nerve-wracking to call in sick when you don't even work at that place.

    Nate, who goes by Canadian Chest Hair on YouTube, thought it would be fun to call a company he doesn't even work for and notify them that he wants a day off to go fishing. Sylvia, the woman on the other side of the call, doesn't find this amusing and beings to scold Nate.

    Take a look at the hilarious call below:


    Sylvia is a total hardass.

    Or you can use these excuses: 15 Irrefutable Excuses For Calling Out Of Work

     

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    There are a lot of ways to fit in some solid laughs throughout your day, but nothing beats a one-stop shop. This collection of the week's funniest GIFs should tickle your funny bone in all the right places. Just try not to whack it on anything. That hurts like hell.

    funny gifs, dog touches boobs
    Why teach an old dog new tricks when his classics are this smooth?


    funny gifs, horse lays in puddle
    Clearly your white stallion prefers to be a black beauty. Now get off!


    funny gifs, trust fall forward fail
    Too trusting.


    funny gifs, rail slide walk
    I hope it was worth never being able to have kids.


    funny gifs, cat jump fail
    Cats are jerks, so this is just enjoyable to watch.


    funny gifs, man tiny bicycle
    "Eh, without the loop it is a-nothing."


    funny gifs, baby cheerio flip
    Who says you can't learn anything cool from a baby?


    funny gifs, lampshade baby oven
    OK, maybe not this baby.


    funny gifs, toddler on bike hits fence
    Or this toddler.


    funny gifs, ball boy hits wall
    You know what, I changed my mind. Kids are hopeless idiots.


    funny gifs, corgi falls in pool
    This dog's competitive edge is hard-Corgi (and that fills my pun quota for the week).


    funny gifs, man plays guitar under blanket
    Hmm, this GIF would have been way less offensive with sound. Oh well.

    Always leave 'em wanting more, right? Well, last week's hilarious GIFs are right here for the taking.

     

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    If you're going to go through the trouble of getting yourself some pot brownies, just make sure you leave them in a safe place and out of the reach of your two-pound puppy who is eager to tear into everything. Because then this happens:

    This Is The Outcome When A Tiny Dog Eats A Pot Brownie

    This Is The Outcome When A Tiny Dog Eats A Pot Brownie

    This Is The Outcome When A Tiny Dog Eats A Pot Brownie

    This Is The Outcome When A Tiny Dog Eats A Pot Brownie
    Via Tumblr

    Whoops: Here's What Happens When A Dog Accidentally Eats Marijuana

     

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    We're all pretty much in agreement that "Seinfeld" and "Breaking Bad" are iconic shows, but they have actually crossed worlds in more ways than one. Let's start by a tweet posted by Seinfeld2000 that shows that Julia-Louis Dreyfus' character Elaine actually dated two major characters from "Breaking Bad."


    So not only was Elaine shacking up with Heisenberg himself, but with his lawyer, too.

    And Elaine wasn't the only one hooking up with "Breaking Bad" folks; Jerry Seinfeld also had a run-in with someone familiar, too...


    Oh God, it's Skylar. No wonder it didn't work out.

    Stroll down memory lane: The Greatest Quotes From Your Favorite 'Seinfeld' Characters

     

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