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Mandatory

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    Comedian Bill Maher famously said, "Not all Republicans are racist. But if you are a racist these days, you're probably a Republican." We're not sure we buy into that hyperbole exactly, but it doesn't help combat that perception when in an effort to wear their racism -- and bigotry, xenophobia and anti-Semitism -- on their sleeve, some Republicans have turned to the T-shirt to do it. Political party pride can definitely turn into a hot button issue, so maybe it does make sense to wholeheartedly embrace it with one of these super chill racist tees.

    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, make america white again trump uncle sam shirt
    How do you make a great campaign slogan greater? Mix in a healthy dose of white supremacy. A world without people of color in positions of power is the way it should be, right? At least that's what the 2016 Academy Awards have taught us. (photo via Redbubble)


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, put the white back in the white house romney shirt
    If we've learned anything about fashion over the years, it's that it's cyclical. That extends to racist Republican T-shirts, as well. Four years later, pining for a white man in the White House has not gone out of style, whether the alternative is a stuffy Mormon or a bloated businessman.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, don't renig 2012 shirt
    Puns always make for great T-shirts. We saw one once that read "Camping is In-Tents" and now we can't go into an REI without getting the giggles. Also, the three separate fonts here are quite innovative. It's hard to be lighthearted and impactful, but this tee blends them both commendably.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, curious george obama shirt
    Everyone loves Curious George. Everyone loves bananas. Many people love Obama, especially back when he was an idealistic junior senator. So really, what's the controversy here? It's basically a triad of appealing concepts married together into one glorious garment, right?


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, swastika shirt
    How is this a Republican T-shirt? Well, the website that sells it has scores of anti-Obama designs, too, and you know what they say about the company you keep. So if Nike or Hurley logos have become too commonplace for you and you want to stand out in a crowd, this little number might just be exactly what you're looking for. Whether you're line dancing, goose stepping or taking a Sunday stroll, here's a tee that proves you walk the walk. And you've got to admit, it's a beautiful shade of red.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, alien invasion mexicans shirt
    This T-shirt is simplemente fantastico. After all, what's more frightening than world-dominating aliens from outer space? Mexicans, that's what. The typography and hovering sombreros recall the kick a Tim Burton film would give us back in the day. But better act now -- at $8.99, they'll need a continental-sized wall to keep them on the shelves.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, go home deport illegals shirt
    Nothing's cooler than wearing a corporate logo tee. But take that logo for a bigoted spin and you've got yourself something really special. Though one might contemplate the void left by a visit to a Home Depot without any illegals greeting you at its parking lot entrance -- a mind-bending proposition that reinforces the existential gravity of this seemingly simple shirt.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, trayvon martin middle finger shirt
    Republicans are a brave bunch. Believing teenager Trayvon Martin deserved to die might seem like an opinion one would only keep to his or herself (or save for a quiet admission among their closest friends and colleagues at the golf course or statehouse). But if you believe strongly enough about something, then why be coy? And besides, if the good Lord didn't want us to showcase our middle finger every now and again, he would have given us six of them. (photo via Tightrope Records)


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, obama is my slave shirt
    Yes, we imagine the pride brought about by this T-shirt would bring a smile to any wearer's face. Though it might be difficult to argue that the Civil War was mostly just about heritage and states' rights while sporting it. Surely you don't need a mullet to look like a million bucks in this baby. But honestly we can't think of a better accessory.


    racist republican shirts, most racist republican t-shirts, obama 2012 monkey shirt
    Like evolution itself, it all comes back to the monkey. And though Republicans don't believe in evolution, they're all in on the representation of Obama as a primate. Looking back from a future century, the history books will disprove that this came from an 1812 campaign or even 1912. The annals will instead show that as recently as four years ago this sentiment endured. Maybe through enlightenment and progressive understanding, 2112 will be different. Or maybe the immortality of intolerance will make monkeys of us all.

     

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  • 05/02/16--04:33: Today's Funny Photos
  • Welcome back from the weekend. If your hangover is as bad as mine right now, you could probably use some quality funny photos. Well you came to the right place. (FYI: A little Advil doesn't hurt, either.)

    funny photos

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    Follow Mandatory on Twitter.

    funny photos

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    Follow Mandatory on Instagram.

    funny photos

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    Click here for more funny photos.

     

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    If you think you got a shit deal on a place you've rented or are renting, don't feel too bad, because you aren't alone. Thanks to Twitter and the hashtag #VentYourRent, tons of people were able to share their renting horror stories. From living with bedbugs and cockroaches to a basement filled with poop, these horror stories remind us we're all in this together.













    h/t The Berry

    It's tough living with roomies: 'My Roommate Is Weird' Is Probably An Understatement For These People

     

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    When it rains, it pours. And typically, it's just water falling from the sky. But not always. Every so often, thanks to a bizarre quirk of nature, something else will come down from above, whether it be a mysterious rain of bloody meat in Kentucky or a deluge of golf balls in Florida. Sometimes it even rains...cash. In this article, we'll share 10 times lucky people found themselves in the middle of a shower of currency and how it happened. Keep your eyes on the skies, friends. Tomorrow could be your lucky day.

    Dubai
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    The Middle East is a fascinating illustration of capitalism, with the super rich and super poor living in a tenuous peace. So it's not surprising that rains of unexplained cash from the heavens are a fact of life here. In February 2015, a video hit the Internet that depicted a group of pedestrians running out into traffic to gather up 500 dirham notes (about $88 each) that were falling into the street from above. The bills were spotted in several different locations in the Jumeirah district, but nobody has any clue as to their original source. It's highly possible that some moneybags just decided to "make it rain" from their penthouse apartment on a whim.

    Meschera
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    One of the oldest confirmed stories of money falling from the sky comes from 1940 and the small Russian town of Meschera. Residents of the area reported a bizarre rain of coins landing all over town, but this wasn't ordinary currency. When examined, experts discovered that the coins dated from the 16th century -- certainly not something that was in common circulation. The theory at the time was that a tornado had roared through the area and lifted up topsoil covering a buried treasure trove from hundreds of years ago. The natural process of erosion had weakened the ground enough that the wind could lift its bounty into the sky and drop it down on the heads of unwitting peasants.

    Perth
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    In April 2015, motorists on the Mitchell Freeway running through Perth, Australia, had something new to look for on the road besides kangaroos. At about 9:30 p.m. on a Wednesday night, a serious traffic situation emerged when hundreds of $100 bills started falling from the sky. Drivers pulled over to the shoulder and left their cars to dart out into the freeway and grab what they could. Thankfully, nobody was hurt in the bizarre stunt, and once the police arrived they dispersed the crowd. Some Good Samaritans even handed in the money they'd collected to the authorities. As yet, the police haven't identified the source of the bizarre windfall.

    Miami
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    Sometimes rains of money are a little easier to explain. In 1997, a Brink's armored car crashed on an overpass in Miami, Florida's Overtown neighborhood. The truck was carrying a staggering $3.7 million in cash and food stamps, and when the impact opened its back doors, several bags of currency burst out and rolled down the hill. This naturally set off a swarm of people looking to grab everything that they could. By the time police hit the scene and dispersed the crowd, the truck's haul was $500,000 lighter. The Miami Police Department announced a 24-hour amnesty for people who had taken off with the money, but only three people turned themselves in out of over 100 who were at the scene of the accident.

    Worms
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    Here's another tale of cash hitting the road, this time in Germany. A motorist outside the city of Worms on the Upper Rhine went to police in 2007 after a very bizarre incident on the freeway. As she was driving, she spotted a cloud in her rear view mirror, and realized that it was a windswept accumulation of Euro notes. Like any of us would do, she pulled over to the shoulder because traffic wasn't heavy and picked up as much of the free cash as she could. However, in a remarkable act of Good Samaritanism, she then proceeded to the nearest police station and turned every penny in to the cops, who pledged to find who it originally belonged to.

    Seattle
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    There's a lot of money floating around Seattle these days, with big tech companies like Amazon and Microsoft creating a market for overpriced apartments and fancy restaurants. But when cash falls from the sky, things can still get a little unusual. In 2012, a group called Mic Check Wall Street organized a demonstration downtown on Valentine's Day where they dropped currency from atop a building. Each one of the 500 $1 bills that the organization let loose into the streets was stamped with an anti-corporate message urging people to show appreciation for their loved ones without spending money on them. It's a cute statement, but I doubt most of the people in the streets snatching up bills paid much attention.

    Sacramento
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    Sometimes all we see of a rain of money is the aftereffects, as this 1995 story aptly illustrates. Mat Jameson was heading to his Fair Oaks backyard to check on his dog, a cheerful black Lab named Beauty. When he got there, he found something quite out of the ordinary -- his pooch was rolling around in a pile of $100 bills. The currency had fallen from some unknown location on at least three neighborhood yards, and when police counted it the total came to over $10,000. It's unknown as to whether Jameson and the other lucky recipients were allowed to keep their literal windfall, but the dog at least got a pretty good time out of it.

    Boston
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    How often do you see a $2 bill in circulation? If you happened to be walking around Boylston Street in Boston in April 2013, you might have seen some circulating in the air. On one Thursday afternoon, pedestrians were surprised by a shower of bills from the sky, many of which were two buck notes. The source of the cash was never identified, and witnesses didn't see any other suspicious activity. Some people thought that workers in offices at 745 Boylston St. were to blame, as they were seen looking out the windows at the time, but the $2 bill dropper has never been identified.

    Grand Rapids
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    This particular rain of cash had a very visible source, but people still got free money out of it, so it counts. Lunchers enjoying the warm weather in Grand Rapids, Michigan, in May 2015 were treated to a little financial incentive when a drone helicopter flew over and started dispensing free money to the scene. The copter had a payload of about 50 $1 bills, which it let loose over Rosa Parks Circle, a popular spot in the downtown business district. Police believe that the operators were standing on the roof of a nearby hotel controlling the drone, but don't plan to hunt them down and press charges.

    Arizona
    10 Times Money Rained From The Sky
    We're going to close this one out with something very valuable falling from the sky that wasn't money, but better. In September 2015, Nogales, Arizona, resident Maya Donnelly was awakened by a loud crash from her yard. She figured it was just a storm and went back to bed, but later in the day headed outside to check on the damage and discovered that the roof of her carport had been punched clean through by a plastic-wrapped package that fell from the sky. Inside the parcel? $100,000 worth of primo Mexican marijuana. Alas, Donnelly wasn't allowed to keep the weed, and ended up out $500 for repairing her carport. Sometimes life isn't fair.

     

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    Contrary to popular belief, Jimmy Fallon is responsible for the "Lip Sync Battle" and not Satan, so while it's tough enjoying anyone mouth the words to a popular song because of him, it should be quite easy to enjoy his and Paul Rudd's hilarious recreation of the Styx's music video for "Too Much Time On My Hands."

    Check out the hilarious video below that will introduce this 1981 song to a new audience:


    And now check out the original to see just how spot-on Rudd and Fallon's version is:


    They completely hit the mark.

    Apparently Prince was a ping pong pro: Jimmy Fallon's Story About Prince And Ping Pong Is About To Become Your Favorite Story

     

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    If there is only one thing you know about Australia it is that kangaroos reign supreme (probably) so it's no surprise that sometimes humans and 'roos cross paths. Or roads.

    A guy was driving down a super-dark road (where I'm assuming serial killers reside) near Castlemaine, northwest of Melbourne, when a kangaroo jumped out of nowhere and attacked his car. Check out the freaky video he caught on his dash cam, and posted on his YouTube:


    The kangaroo obviously cracks the windshield, but you have to expect that driving by yourself down a dark dirt road will lead to fucked-up things. I mean, it's inevitable.

    Just another day in Australia: Watch These Kangaroos Street Fight Each Other With A Classical Music Soundtrack

     

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    There seems to be nothing more satisfying than seeing puppets sing hip-hop songs, and that has been proven time and time again by Adam Schleichkorn, who shares these amazing videos on his Is This How You Go Viral page.

    While we've seen The Muppets take on Snoop Dogg, and Bert and Ernie take on the song "Regulate," check out what Gonzo and Kermit the Frog do to another classic: the widely known "Ms. Jackson" by Atlanta-based group Outkast.


    I don't know about you, but I feel Gonzo and Kermit make a pretty great Andre 3000 and Big Boi.

    And don't miss this one, either: 'Sesame Street' Cast Performs Bone Thugs-N-Harmony 'Tha Crossroads'

     

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    Crowdfunding websites are something of a recent development. They aid in making people's prospective businesses/products/dreams come true, which is great. The caveat being that others need to support whatever it is you seek funding for.

    These people need to believe in what you're funding so much, that they'd be willing to dole out their own hard-earned cash to make this happen, which is why I created the following compilation of items.

    The following products are so useless and stupid that I have no clue how these projects managed to see the light of day. While only a few of the following products didn't meet their funding requirements (the no-raisin trail mix, for instance), most of the below have, and are now available for purchase. So if you ever feel like wasting some money, take a look at these Kickstarter-supported items below.

    1. Griz Coat
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    First, let's get one thing straight: Only Blake from "Workaholics" can make a grizzly bear-inspired jacket not look dumb as sh*t. Regardless, these dudes tried to appeal to a mass market and somehow succeeded. Almost 200 people donated more than $29,000 to make the weirdness that is Griz Coat happen. Since the successful campaign, they've profited enough to make various renditions, including: a pink bear, a wolf, a black bear and a panda. These things retail for $199.99.

    2. The World's Largest Jockstrap
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    Though a more amazing feat would be to find somebody to fit the jockstrap, artist Michael Barrett raised $854 to make the world's largest jockstrap, a "sculpture" that was accepted by Guinness World Records, which now recognizes "The World's Largest Jock Strap" as an official event. Yes, record breakers, this is what Guinness World Records, the once respected annual tome, has become.

    3. Combat Kitchenware
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    If LARPers ever wanted kitchenware to resemble weaponry you could find on "Game of Thrones," then Combat Kitchenware (aka: the "fighting man's frying pan" as declared by the product's green-haired creator) is the egg-frying appliance for this eclectic group of basement dwellers. The kitchenware received $46,261 from 561 backers.

    4. Southpaw Protector
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    Instead of using soap, the Southpaw Protector strives to rid left-handed writers of those dreaded ink stains that you receive because you write differently from others. The item, which is essentially a glove that wraps around the wrist and pinky is incredibly ugly and is in no way a practical item. Regardless, the glove did earn its goal of $233, which came courtesy of 16 backers.

    5. Crystal Bacon
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    While we can all agree that bacon is delicious, crystal bacon is inedible, and therefore useless. According to comments, those who purchased the item use Crystal Bacon as jewelry (both necklaces and earrings) as well as Christmas ornaments. Worst part is, it's not even made from real crystal, it's just made from an acrylic plastic. But that shouldn't matter, because according to his own video testimony, the jeweler is an "acrylic artist."

    6. No Raisins Trail Mix
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    Raisins are a pathetic attempt at candy. As such, many don't want the dried fruit to interfere with their trail mix. Instead of just picking around them, Michael Starling attempted to create a Kickstarter for a no-raisin trail mix. Though he only asked for $250 to make this happen, he only managed to raise $26 by four people. So unfortunately, this nut mixture (which already exists in various forms) won't see the light of day.

    7. My Little Po-Mo: Volume One
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    This is a compilation of academic essays on "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic," written by the blogger behind My Little Po-Mo, Jed A. Blue, who happens to be a heavyset man with a ponytail, goatee and a shirt that reads "Occupy Ponyville" (so take from that what you will).

    Basically, the guy asked for a little over $1,000 to turn his blog into a book, and 30 people made that happen. In fact, a second volume of his book has been funded as well. Bronies, man.

    8. Sacco Coin Sack
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    Evidently, if you make something LARPers might be interested in, it's going to get funded. Handsomely. The sack is an "excellent supplement to minimalistic wallet," (grammatical error included) and can hold "a handful" of coins, gaming dices, jewelry and more. It's a coin purse that's the size of a man's scrotum, is incredibly impractical, yet managed to earn $14,650 from 556 backers.

    9. A Chicken Burrito from Chipotle
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    "This project involves purchasing a Chipotle burrito, eating it, and rating the amount of deliciousness that it has." This is a quote taken directly from the Kickstarter video that saw a man seeking funds for a burrito so that he can rate its deliciousness.

    Though the guy only asked for a mere $8.10 (which he breaks down and includes a one dollar tip for Chipotle's employees), backers were feeling generous, and gave the dude $1,050 for this very necessary project.

    10. StackUp
    The 10 Dumbest Kickstarter Campaigns To Have Ever Received Money
    This has to be the dumbest of the bunch and should be a joke, but seems entirely legitimate. The StackUp sought to fix the no-problem problem that is presenting Pringles in an appealing way for guests.

    Instead of just opening the can and letting friends have at it, the StackUp lets you present the chips in the exact same way it would sit in the can, except you can see the chips. As you might have guessed, this project didn't even come close to its goal of $93,800.

     

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    Well, this is one way to never have a student show up late to a class again.

    New Jersey Teacher Finally Fired After Having Sex With Student, Sending Half Naked Pics
    Natalie McDonough, a 33-year-old married mother of two, was finally punished almost one year after admitting to having sex with an 18-year-old student, and sending two other students pictures of herself in bra and panties. The only thing my teacher ever sent me was her tutoring schedule.

    McDonough (not surprisingly) has avoided prison, as long as she completes an intervention program. She will be put on three years probation and won't be allowed to teach in the state of New Jersey ever again. Man, it just keeps getting worse for Jersey.

    The charges will be dropped if McDonough completes the program, but if she violates any terms of her program, she can be sentenced to 10 years behind bars (or one year living in Newark).

    McDonough was arrested after it was discovered she had sex with an 18-year-old student while employed at Mendham High School. Since all the students involved were 18, no sex charges were filed. McDonough also sent two other students some pretty hot pictures. Take a look at them thanks to Bro Bible:

    New Jersey Teacher Finally Fired After Having Sex With Student, Sending Half Naked Pics
    And this one, too:

    New Jersey Teacher Finally Fired After Having Sex With Student, Sending Half Naked Pics
    The teacher you wish you had also sent these lads some pretty direct messages (NSFW language):

    New Jersey Teacher Finally Fired After Having Sex With Student, Sending Half Naked Pics

    New Jersey Teacher Finally Fired After Having Sex With Student, Sending Half Naked Pics
    And yes, if this was a male teacher writing to his female students we would be singing a different tune. Just the way things are, folks. And now to angrily mutter to myself while I think of all the non-hot teachers I had.

    h/t Daily Mail

    Quite the education: UK Teacher Had Sex With 15-Year-Old More Than 50 Times, Claimed She Was Pregnant

     

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    It's only Monday, but we may have a front-runner for idiot of the week, and he goes by the name of 50 Cent.

    We all know 50 Cent isn't the brightest bulb, but he proved that even more recently by posting a video on his Instagram mocking an airport janitor for being "high." Aside from acting like an asshole by harassing someone for no reason, 50 looked like an even bigger a-hole when he was informed that this guy is actually disabled.


    50 walks up to the young guy and begins harassing him about being high at work, posting the caption "The walking Dead, SMH LMAO I mean How high are trying to get Damn!!!" along with the video. The Instagram post has since been deleted after Instagram user Rusty Stone informed 50 that the man in the video, named Andrew Farrell, actually suffers from extreme social difficulties.


    50 Cent has of course faced a ton of backlash, and rightfully so, with Andrew himself saying he will be taking 50 to court.

    50 hasn't commented yet on his stupid decision. Man, I like the 50 Cent that pokes fun at Floyd Mayweather for not knowing how to read way more than this version of Fiddy.

    h/t UNILAD

    Now here's 50 being terrible again: 50 Cent Throws Out The Worst First Pitch In The History Of First Pitches

     

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    We've all had to suck it up and reply to our bosses with a fake smile in an email while silently screaming inside. But what if you could write exactly what you wanted in response to your boss's asinine email? You probably wouldn't work there much longer, but boy would it be so satisfying to press that send button one last time. Here's a look at how you respond to work emails versus how you wish you could respond.

    1a. Meeting Tomorrow - How You Respond:
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    1b. Meeting Tomorrow - How You Wish You Could Respond:
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails


    2a. Holiday Work Ethic - How You Respond:dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    2b. Holiday Work Ethic - How You Wish You Could Respond:dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails


    3a. Performance Review - How You Respond
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    3b. Performance Review - How You Wish You Could Responddumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails


    4a. Work Computer Activity - How You Respond:
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    4b. Work Computer Activity - How You Wish You Could Respond:dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails


    5a. Requested Day Off - How You Respond:
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    5b. Requested Day Off - How You Wish You Could Respond:
    dumb emails from your boss, how you wish you could reply to work emails

    Related: Top 10 Reasons Why Your Coworkers Hate You

     

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    Svetlana Bilyalova has given us quite possibly the sexiest breakfast video of all time. Whereas our morning reality usually involves burnt eggs and a bowl of stale cereal doused in expired milk, Svetlana drips, whips and coats herself beautifully while she cooks breakfast. Nothing like a flour-filled fanny slap to start the day, right? If every day started like this, we'd never eat out again. Or would we? Let that joke sink in, then follow Svetlana Bilyalova on Instagram @svetabily.

     

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    That's one way to prove to yourself you still got it.

    Hey, remember Vyacheslav Oliynyk? Me neither. But apparently he won a gold medal at the 1996 Summer Olympics. That's a huge accomplishment. You know what's not an accomplishment? Trying to fight a bunch of cops and not winning a medal at all. That's exactly what Oliynyk did in Kiev after being pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving.


    Only after attacking two cops and still standing despite numerous baton blows and a shot of pepper spray was Oliynyk taken down and restrained by six cops.

    Judges?

    Former Olympic Wrestling Champion Vyacheslav Oliynyk Fights Cops In Ukraine
    Wow, I guess they awarded the effort.

    h/t Deadspin

    Someone was a tad scared: English Guy Shoots Out Pee Like A Fountain While Being Arrested

     

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    It's not every day that your sibling is assaulted by a flying a-hole, so you'd better take plenty of pictures when it happens. Twitter user @steviebaegidden certainly had the right idea when she tweeted the photos below of her sister getting attacked by a duck, but if a later tweet is to be believed, it was a neighbor whose wife was actually the one responsible for saving the little girl who snapped the pics.


    My guess: both the photographer and sister were too busy laughing to even consider breaking up the scuffle. Here are the photos individually so you can analyze/enjoy them even more.

    duck attacks little girl twitter

    duck attacks little girl twitter
    You'll notice I got through this entire post without a single duck pun. That's because Twitter stole them all with their retweets. Or in this particular case, requacks (see why I was holding out now?).

    Looks like we've got ourselves a fresh contender: 20 Photos and GIFs That Prove Cats Aren't the Only A-hole Animals

     

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    Unless soup is Turkish for "sex with your wife," then it's safe to say this guy overreacted.

    According to the Daily Sabah, a man shot his friend for paying his bill at an Istanbul restaurant last Monday and then turned the gun on two other men sitting at the same table.

    Turkish man kills friend for paying for his soup
    Police said Idris Alakus and Hasan Erdemir were arguing over who was going to pay for the soup they just ate when Erdemir grabbed the check at paid for it. Alakus lost his shit, left the restaurant and then returned moments later with gun.

    After putting a few bullets in his "friend," police said Alakus shot the other two men sitting at their table. Erdemir would later die from his wounds at a nearby hospital, but the other two men fortunately escaped any serious injuries.

    Alakus fled the scene but was eventually apprehended by authorities. No word if he went berserk when they wouldn't let him pay them for gas money to get to the jail.

    Ripping out another man's organs during an argument over pasta seems a bit much: Chinese Man Rips Out Another Man's Heart After Argument Over Noodles

     

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    Odds are that when the marketing team at Bud Light came up with their "Up For Whatever" campaign, this isn't what they had in mind.

    According to the River Falls Journal, a 24-year-old Bloomer man was arrested by River Falls police after they spotted him driving the wrong way on a Wisconsin highway early last Sunday morning.

    man craps pants in police car after DUI arrest
    Police said the unnamed man almost drove into a ditch before coming to a stop on the median. When an officer approached the vehicle and asked the man if he was driving the wrong way on Highway 35, he reportedly responded with, "Yeah, that was probably me."

    The officer had the man perform a field sobriety test because he "reeked of alcohol," but the man stopped at some point during the test and said, "This isn't my first rodeo.... I'm done."

    The man was right in the sense that he was indeed done driving that morning, but he was far from done being an asshole. After police struggled to put him in cuffs and later into the police car, that man allegedly shit himself while being transported to the St. Croix County Jail.

    Police said the man was booked on his second drunk-driving offense. Meanwhile, the squad car had to be professionally cleaned for "spit, snot, mucus stains and a very bad fecal odor."

    Maybe it's just us, but that sounds like the same kind of cleaning Ozzy Osbourne gets for his Camaro once or twice a month.

    Naturally, "Florida Man" beat this guy to the punch: Florida Man Speeding Home To Use Bathroom Poops In Squad Car Instead

     

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    Hey, whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't eat you afterward, I guess.

    According to the Daily Mail, researchers were shocked when they recently discovered a species of spider in which the male performs oral sex on the female up to 100 times "before, in between and after copulations."



    Female Madagascan Darwin's bark spiders are 14 times heavier than males and 2.3 times larger, and like several other species of spiders, they will sometimes eat the male after they're done having sex with them.

    Researchers at the Biological Institute ZRC SAZU say that there is an outside chance that the male goes down on the female in hopes of being spared after he takes her to pound town, but they think that it's highly unlikely for the most part. They think the most likely explanation is that the "cunnilingus-like" behavior could "work to boost the chances of paternity by signalling the male's quality or reducing sperm competition."

    Researchers also found that the males emasculate themselves by chewing on their secondary genital organ known as the palp. No word if other spiders have found out that they can achieve the same result just by getting married.

    ​You probably don't want to read this one before going to bed: The Scariest Spider Pics And GIFs Sure To Make Your Skin Crawl

     

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  • 05/03/16--04:25: Today's Funny Photos
  • Quick. Look at your watch. What does it say? Yep, funny o' clock. (If it doesn't, you might need to get your watch fixed.) So get scrolling and laughing before the time changes. And if these pics aren't enough to tickle your funny bone, check us out on Twitter and Instagram.

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    The following animals defy the laws of nature in the dick department. If you're reading this site, odds are you're packing mule meat. It just comes with the territory. But I also hate to break it to you, but your penis pales in comparison to that of a pig, or even a green sea turtle for that matter.

    HUNG

    Argentine Lake Duck: 17 Inches
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    The Guinness World Record for longest penis among birds belongs to the Argentine Lake Duck. The scientifically dubbed Oxygura vittata is known to extend its corkscrew-shaped appendage to "lasso" females. When it's not flinging its ding-a-ling like Spider-Man shooting his web, it's assumed the Argentine Lake Duck dangles its penis in the water like bait and tackle to attract small prey. At least it should.


    Tapir: 19 Inches
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    This jungle pig-horse is classified as endangered, which makes sense. Its penis is so big, one would think it impossible to escape predators with an inconvenient fifth leg. The tapir boasts a jaw-dropping 19 inches. Here you can see it using its penis to scratch its own back. Native to temperate regions in the southern hemisphere, the tapir has a "prehensile" penis that is used to grip and grasp females who would prefer not to limp for an entire afternoon.


    Pig: 18 Inches
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    Ever wonder where the term "hog" comes from? Curly and noodle-like, resembling its tail, the male pig has a notoriously impressive member. While 18 inches is the longest pig penis ever observed in nature, their genitalia usually hovers around the 9- to 12-inch range. Male pigs are also known to orgasm for up to 30 minutes, adding insult to injury if you're a gilt.


    Green Sea Turtle: 12 Inches
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    The green sea turtle can weigh as much as 700 pounds. Much of that is due to its eye-popping turtle dong, which can grow to a highly respectable 12 inches. The Chelonia mydas is listed as endangered because it's often the recipient of boat propeller bludgeonings; although, in theory, it's possible for the green sea turtle penis to break cruise ship propellers if it gets entangled in them.


    Walrus: 25 Inches
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    Urban Dictionary defines "walrus penis" as a "greasy big choad-like penis with extra foreskin." Accurate. Boasting the largest baculum (walrus boner) of any land mammal, their penis bones hide under 2,000 pounds of fat only to be unleashed when a voluptuous female is nearby. Behold, ye pee-pee voyeurs of the Internet, a walrus going to town on itself. As you can see, even they are capable of knowing when they're up to naughty business. Look how ashamed it is.

    In 2007, a four-foot baculum was sold for $8,000 at an auction. It came from a species of walrus that died out 12,000 years ago. Suffice it to say, the descendants of this primitive tusked sea cow got the lucky gene.


    Banana Slug: 6-9 Inches
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    The Latin name for the common banana slug, Ariolimax dilichophallus, literally translates to "long penis." This gastropod's pud is the same length as its body, however long it grows. Equally puzzling is that during sex, sometimes the penises of these slimy creatures get caught in the vagina, and the female chews it completely off, severing it for life. This is called apophallation.


    Barnacle: 25-50 Inches
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    There's a reason why this immobile crustacean just sits there glued to a rock, needing not a job or a skillful pickup artist shtick. It has the largest penis in the animal kingdom proportional to its body size -- a 50-to-1 ratio. It lets its noodle wave around in the sea like a lonely tentacle, and the female barnacle opens up its egg-bearing cavity to let it in. Even Charles Darwin thought it was hot, marveling at the sheer size of barnacle cock.

    However, not all barnacles are equal. Take the Pacific gooseneck barnacle; its penis dwarfs in comparison. The only way it's able to procreate is via a process called "spermcasting," which involves casting its sperm into the salty sea and waiting for a female to catch it between her legs.


    Hyena: 7 Inches
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    Psyche. That's a clitoris. The female hyena is more hung, more muscular, and as a result, more dominant than its male counterpart. The reason for this is an excess of prenatal hormone androgen given during pregnancy, which eventually creates what scientists call a female "pseudo-penis." Female hyenas have to give poo, pee and birth through this one-inch canal. Baby hyenas are two pounds. No wonder they're always pissed.


    ITTY-BITTY

    Silverback Gorilla: 1 Inch
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    Gorillas are giant, marauding, nightmarish beasts that can break your legs like twigs. They also have baby dicks. In terms of evolution, there was never a need for the male gorilla to develop an impressive meat stick because females live in a harem and are given no choice on the matter. Baby dick or bust, basically.


    Orangutan: 2 Inches
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    There's a reason why orangutans often have that sad, meek look on their faces. Like the gorilla, the orangutan isn't working with much. Male orangutans are twice the size of female orangutans and are, thus, often the recipient of rape. The plus side? It's only two inches.


    Chimpanzee: 3 Inches
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    The chimpanzee laughs at the gorilla behind its back. It snickers and points, boasting twice the size. The larger genitalia of the chimp is due to sperm competition. Female chimps are famously promiscuous, and they usually have more than three mates at a time. To commence the sex, the female puts her butt right up to the male chimp's face and waits for it to get a huge, throbbing three-inch power tool.


    Shrew: 0.2 Inches
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    This rodent packs a pathetic 0.2 inches. Interesting to note that this mole-like animal, which is native to every continent on the planet besides Antarctica, has a penis only slightly larger than Bono's.


    Rooster: 0 Inches
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    It's ironic they call it a cock, because roosters ain't got none. Like 97 percent of aviary creatures, roosters sport a different kind of genitalia called a "cloaca." It's a nub. A stub. A tiny stubby nub.

    Hilariously, the process of mating involves the rooster getting behind the hen, placing its feet on her wings, holding her down and forcing her ass up. A little "cloacal kiss" transfers the sperm into the female cloaca. The rooster will then flap its wings in excitement, dismount and strut away like Mr. Big Stuff.

     

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    It's not enough for us anymore to watch the good guys triumph over evil. Now we want them fighting with each other, as well. While this concept varies in quality on the big screen (as we saw with the lackluster "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" back in March), we've got high hopes for "Captain America: Civil War" at the end of the week. But even if it's lame, there is one thing we can always count on: fake scenarios involving superheroes ripping on one another are just plain funny. And it's as true now as it was last time, as this fresh batch of larger-than-life insults may even hint at what caused this whole "Civil War" issue in the first place.

    Iron Man v Captain America
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    Superman v Batman
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    Black Widow v The Incredible Hulk
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    Captain America v Spider-Man
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    Spider-Man v Batman
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    Spider-Man v Deadpool
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    Deadpool (2016) v Deadpool (2009)
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    Iron Man v Daredevil
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    Batman v Robin
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    The Fantastic 3 v The Thing
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    Captain America v Black Panther & Iron Man
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    Hawkgirl v The Flash
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    Thor v Captain America
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    Superman v Iron Man
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    Everyone v Iron Man
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    Batman v Everyone
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    Cyclops v Dating
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    Spider-Man v Your Dinner
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    Batman v Superman
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    Captain America v Iron Man
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    (h/t Heroic Hollywood)

    Related: 10 Superhero Questions We May Never Get a Straight Answer To

     

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