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Articles on this Page
- 05/13/16--11:08: _Marquette Student A...
- 05/13/16--11:52: _Masturbating At Wor...
- 05/13/16--12:16: _Model Jess Adams Ta...
- 05/13/16--13:29: _Don't Leave For The...
- 05/16/16--04:02: _Today's Funny Photos
- 05/16/16--05:20: _The 10 Biggest Car ...
- 05/16/16--05:50: _The 50 Manliest Pho...
- 05/16/16--06:43: _Matthew McConaughey...
- 05/16/16--06:50: _11 Sex Workers' G-R...
- 05/16/16--06:50: _14 Terribly Placed ...
- 05/16/16--06:53: _Los Angeles Weather...
- 05/16/16--07:20: _This Might Be The F...
- 05/16/16--07:37: _More Of The Best Wo...
- 05/16/16--07:50: _Shitty '90s Things ...
- 05/16/16--09:38: _This Houston Road R...
- 05/16/16--09:50: _Fights In Pro Wrest...
- 05/16/16--11:08: _Florida Woman Taken...
- 05/16/16--11:09: _The 12 Hottest Mega...
- 05/16/16--11:16: _Arianny Celeste Tal...
- 05/16/16--11:17: _You Apparently Can ...
- 05/13/16--11:52: Masturbating At Work Is No Longer A Problem Thanks To The JerkShirt
- 05/16/16--04:02: Today's Funny Photos
- 05/16/16--05:20: The 10 Biggest Car Myths Debunked
- 05/16/16--05:50: The 50 Manliest Photos On The Internet
- 05/16/16--06:43: Matthew McConaughey Making A Bunch Of Bizarre Noises Supercut
- 05/16/16--06:50: 11 Sex Workers' G-Rated Confessions
- 05/16/16--06:50: 14 Terribly Placed Stickers
- 05/16/16--07:20: This Might Be The Funniest Tombstone Joke You'll Ever Read
- 05/16/16--07:37: More Of The Best Worst Examples Of Celebrity Fan Art
- 05/16/16--07:50: Shitty '90s Things We Somehow Overcame
- 05/16/16--09:38: This Houston Road Rage Incident Is Absolutely Insane
- 05/16/16--09:50: Fights In Pro Wrestling vs. Fights In Real Life
- 05/16/16--11:09: The 12 Hottest Megan Fox GIFs On The Internet
- 05/16/16--11:16: Arianny Celeste Talks Flirting, Flexibility And Fantasies
- 05/16/16--11:17: You Apparently Can Get A Woman Pregnant Through Anal Sex After All
I'm telling you, man. Nobody reads books anymore.
According to COED, a Marquette student was taken out of the university's library in handcuffs earlier this week after he allegedly jerked off between some bookcases while staring down several female students.
A GUY GOT ARRESTED FOR MASTURBATING IN THE LIBRARY HAPPY FINALS WEEK MARQUETTE pic.twitter.com/a9foC6VFkF— Marie Crowe (@MarieCrowe10) May 12, 2016
A Barstool Sports reader claimed that this wasn't the first time the unnamed student had been arrested for punching his clown in public, and if that is indeed the case, one would think - or at least hope - that he'll be known as a former student from here out.
It's unknown how many female students witnessed the man yanking his crank inside Raynor Memorial Libraries or if any of them were actually flattered that he was staring at them while he gave his hand the business. Let's investigate:
I guess not.
Look how much fun they're having on the bus these days: Iowa Man Arrested After Masturbating On Megabus For Three Hours
CamSoda bills themselves as the "most advanced cam social network on the Internet," as they "bring together the hottest girls, the most advanced technology and do it all for FREE!" Their "models are paid the most and may receive health insurance bonus payments."
But with the invention of the JerkShirt, it appears as though they've really outdone themselves this time around.
I mean, if you're that guy who can't make it through a family reunion or a nine-hour workday at the accounting firm without pounding off, then it's your lucky day, as the JerkShirt comes with a "fully bendable prosthetic arm" that allows you to "jerk it privately at work with no fuss."
In fact, it's "jerktastic." And that's probably also the best way to describe their informercial:
Still not convinced that the JerkShirt is the product for you? Well, just read what Toby from Los Angeles had to say about it:
"I decided to wear JerkShirt to work and I knew it would be a stressful day! Little did my co-workers know I was jerking in my shirt! I even got a high-five for finishing my project early! Thank you JerkShirt!"
I for one didn't need the testimonial. I was sold once I saw that the JerkShirt came with a "splash guard."
Now nobody will be able to see you spanking it in your police car. Thanks, JerkShirt: Here's A South Carolina Cop Accused Of Masturbating In His Patrol Car
Yeah, that's going to leave a mark.
According to TMZ, aspiring model/actress Jess Adams was doing a clothing shoot for her friend last weekend in Malibu when a gust of wind got ahold of a four-prop drone they were using to capture footage, causing it to smash into her face.
The good news for Adams is that she still has a face. The bad news is that it's going to be a while before she's able to do another photo shoot.
You can see the aftermath of what the drone did to Adams thanks to pics from her Instagram:
Well, unless of course "Getting Drilled In The Face By A Drone" magazine needs a cover model for their June issue. Then I think she'll be the first one they call.
Kudos to Adams, though, as she shrugged off the incident with a few chuckles instead of doing the 2016 thing and lawyering up against her friend and the wind.
"If you're gonna get hit in the face with a drone better at least be able to watch it and die laughing," the "Community" actress said afterward.
OK, good. If she's laughing at it, then so are we.
The dildo drone could also poke your eye out:The Dildo Drone Is All About That Hands-Free Pleasure
Hey, we did it. We survived another week and have made it to the weekend. And for that, I think we should all celebrate. And what better way to celebrate then to get up and dance along with this extremely confident dude in a Speedo.
This guy gets down to Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop The Feeling!" Check out the video below via J Mo:
Gotta give this guy kudos for not giving a shit what anyone thinks. I have to take points away, though, for his choice of footwear.
If for some reason you want to see more, check out part two here.
No regrets: The Kid Did The Best 'Cuban Pete' Dance Routine With No Shame
OMG Mondays, am I right?! The. Worst. But, sometimes, the funny photos are the best. I don't know why it is, but there's just something about Monday funnies that make them as good as a potato in a Crock-Pot.
You can follow us on Twitter and Instagram.
I don't want to alarm you, but you may have missed last week's Funny Photos.
Fear not! There are always more Funny Photos on Mandatory.
Fill Your Tank In The Morning To Save Money
Americans are obsessed with saving money on gas, and we'll believe just about anything to shave a few pennies off our fill-ups. One common myth is that it's smarter to pump gas in the morning when the liquid is cooler. Like every other liquid, gas expands when it's heated. So if that fuel has been sitting out in the sun all day, you'll get less of it when you fill your tank. The science is sound (sort of), but the problem with this theory is that service stations store gasoline in huge underground tanks where the temperature barely fluctuates throughout the day. Even if the temperature did change, it takes a shift of 15 degrees to create a mere 1 percent alteration of volume, which would be a penny or two at most.
Winterize Your Car Before The Temperature Drops
If you live in a place with actual seasons, it's highly likely that you dread the coming of winter. Snow and ice are every driver's worst enemy, but your trusty mechanic has clued you in on what you need to do to "winterize" your car before the roads get slick, right? Here's the heat: winterizing is a relic, a holdover from the days when oil and other fluids weren't built to work at all temperatures. Back in the day, sure, you had to use a less viscous oil in the winter, but that's no longer true. Really, the only thing you should be doing before the cold hits is checking your tire pressure, and you should do that anyway. Paying a mechanic to go over your ride is a waste of cash.
Shift Into Overdrive To Go Faster
Now this one we can understand. The phrase "shift into overdrive" has migrated into common parlance to mean "kick it up a notch," and if your car has an overdrive function you probably feel like you need to use it to zoom past some slowpoke on the freeway. But guess what? Overdrive actually just puts your car into a higher gear, meaning that it needs to expend less engine power to sustain its cruising speed. Shifting into overdrive actually reduces the top speed you'll get out of your engine. It's designed for improving fuel efficiency while cruising, not piling on the horsepower. Sorry, basically every movie ever made.
Let Your Car Idle To Warm Up Before You Drive
Here's another cold-weather tip that could actually be damaging your vehicle. It makes sense that a warm engine is a happy engine. So when the snow is out, many people start their car, leave it idling and then go inside for a cup of coffee. Guess what? Not only is this unnecessary, it's bad for your car. Older vehicles, which relied on carburetors to mix air with fuel before ignition, didn't work as well in the cold, but modern fuel injection systems don't care. Idling your car in cold weather wastes gasoline and adds wear to the moving parts of your engine.
Change Your Oil Every 3,000 Miles
It's common wisdom that you need to get an oil change on the regular to keep your engine all greasy and smooth. The number that's usually attached to that is every 3,000 miles, which seems scandalously low in today's hard-driving world. Guess what? That figure is completely out of date. It was first introduced back when engines were significantly less efficient and oil formulations were more likely to leave buildup. The oil and lube industry, however, wants drivers to believe it's still true so they come in for servicing more often. You still need to change your oil, but modern cars only need it between 7,500 and 15,000 miles -- a big difference.
Red Cars Get More Speeding Tickets
It's no argument that red is a hot color for a high-performance car, but a common argument against the paint job is the belief that red cars get pulled over for speeding more often than other colors. According to the statistics, that's straight up not true. The most recent study we have, from 2014, indicates that it's actually white cars that get the most tickets. However, white is also the most common car color on the roads, making up almost 25 percent of all new cars sold. A similar belief -- that red cars cost more to insure -- is equally false. So go ahead and get that cherry paint job that you always wanted on your Subaru Outback.
Drive With Your Hands At 10 And 2
When you're first learning to drive, one of the most oft-repeated maxims is that you should have your hands positioned at "10 and 2," as those numbers would appear on an old-fashioned analog clock. But guess what? If you get in an accident, that could earn you a pair of broken thumbs. The 10 and 2 position was invented in the era before steering wheels came with airbags, and when they burst forth following a vehicular impact, they're likely to impact your arms and hands before stopping your face. It's now recommended that you keep your hands at 9 and 3 - or, in simpler terms, at the left and right sides of the wheel.
Change Lanes More Often To Get There Faster
The advent of multi-lane highways made it possible for us to travel long distances in decent time, but we can always go faster, right? It's human nature to believe that there's one "optimal lane" that you should be in at any given time, but the truth is that changing lanes frequently doesn't speed you up and actually increases the possibility that you'll get in an accident. A study by Donald Redelmeier discovered a visual illusion that tricks our brains -- because we observe people passing us more than we observe our car passing others, we believe that we're falling behind. That's not really the case -- you pass as many cars as those other guys do, but you don't recognize it, and hunting for the perfect lane is more of a distraction than anything else.
Old Cars Are Safer Than New Ones
It's an undeniable fact that classic cars were pretty dope looking, but some people also believed that they were safer to drive in. After all, they boasted steel frames and solid American manufacturing, right? Surely they can handle impacts better than today's economy boxes? As it turns out, no. Modern cars are designed with "crumple zones" that deliberately collapse with impact to distribute the force more safely. The addition of airbags and safety belts has also drastically increased the survivability of on-road accidents. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety ran a battery of tests pitting newer cars against older models in head-on crashes and newer cars won out every time.
Premium Gas Means More Power
When you're at the pump, it can often be tempting to pay a few cents more a gallon for premium gas. But in many cases, that's just a huge waste of money. Yes, some cars absolutely do require premium gas -- mostly high-performance whips. Premium gas isn't more refined or cleaner -- it's actually less combustible than normal gasoline. That's important for engines with high compression ratios, which can be vulnerable to pre-ignition, where the gasoline sparks before the piston is ready, causing knocking noises. That said, many modern cars now ship with engine knock sensors that prevent the problem. If your car doesn't explicitly require you to use premium gasoline, you can use regular without any problems.
1. This Russian was caught on Google maps trying to beat a bear with a baseball bat.
2. A man whose baby is going to hit puberty at five.
3. Here's a Libyan man playing guitar and singing while his Gaddafi-sympathizing comrades fire back.
4. Actual quote: "They blew me up. But I flipped them one to say: OK, I lost this round but I'll be back."
5. It's customary in Kyrgyzstan to hunt with eagles.
6. Little person? Check. Mullet? Check. Studded-out leather? Check.
7. A bearded ginger badass eating a fish.
8. Some kid smoking a cigarette with a chicken.
9. A photo of Steve Jobs flipping off IBM in 1983.
10. A Belgian farmer squirting a cop with cow milk during a protest.
11. A marine feeding a kitten in a trench during the Korean War.
12. This dude just smoking cigar while his house burns down.
13. The bravest dog in the world.
14. A Glaswegian cabbie thwarts a terrorist attack in the manliest of ways.
15. A baby with a beard.
16. A bunch of New Yorkers protesting prohibition in 1932 with appropriate signs.
17. This guy was a cattle rancher and gunslinger in the Old West.
18. Danny Trejo with a white dove.
19. Stuntman Greg Gasson climbing out of his harness and hanging on with one hand. He's OK. His balls broke his fall.
20. A Nigerian man playing with his pet hyena.
21. The other half of the obituary: "He died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors' orders and raising hell for more than six decades."
22. Just some burly dude drinking beer from a keg in the shower.
23. How'd this one get in here?
24. Nothing manlier than riding a pink bike in a war zone.
25. Chess prodigy Samuel Reshevsky at the age of eight beating old men like it's no big deal.
26. A bit of the steep slope.
27. This man, Leon Bekker, was the first person ever convicted for killing a Great White Shark.
28. Say what you want about Gucci Mane, but this is pretty badass.
29. MLK doing a behind-the-back pool shot.
30. Here's a cute little otter eating a crocodile.
31. A Mongolian hunting with an eagle. Equally as badass.
32. Werner Freund inside his wolf sanctuary going a bit overkill.
33. Wing-walkers playing tennis on a plane in the 1920s.
34. Did he really have to unbutton his flannel?
35. Manly or too manly? That is the question.
36. Robert Overacker died flying off Niagara Falls in a jet ski.
37. Just two gorillas doing gorilla things.
38. Photographer Miles Morgan letting his shoes catch on fire.
39. Mr. Harley and Mr. Davidson in 1914.
40. The Rock when he was 15.
41. Even an ant can be a man.
42. Garrett McNamara riding a 100-foot wave in Portugal.
43. A man just chilling 300 feet in the air during the building of a NYC skyscraper.
44. A British soldier catching a smoke and hiding from the rain in 1944.
45. A Swiss inventor named Yves Rossy flew his jet pack across the Grand Canyon, English Channel and Swiss Alps.
46. A Brazilian miner grabs a guard's gun during a dispute.
47. This milkman during WW2 really had to finish the job.
48. Bear Grylls about to skydive down to that little island.
49. Winston Churchill with a submachine gun.
50. Andre the Giant holding a beer.
Matthew McConaughey is one strange and interesting character. And if you've followed his career long enough you'll probably notice that this guy has a fascinating acting style: just make noises. And that has gotten him to where he is today: a highly paid, box-office draw, Oscar winner.
Check out this hilarious supercut of McConaughey making nosies thanks to Owenergy Studios:
Quite a unique approach to your craft.
How to get a role: Here is Matthew McConaughey Auditioning For 'Dazed and Confused'
There are tons of people out there with strange fetishes and likes, and no one knows that better than your good ol' local sex worker. Sure, they still get paid, but these workers sometimes have to deal with some bizarre requests. Check out 11 sex workers confessions.
Via The Chive
Maybe get new friends? Weird Sex Advice People Have Gotten From Their Friends
It's amazing how much a tiny sticker on a product can completely change that product's intended purpose if placed in a bad spot. And whether it is done intentionally or not is probably irrelevant, because they sure as hell make us laugh. Here are a bunch of poorly placed stickers.
Via Funny Or Die
Never change these: 18 Restaurant, Store And Office Names That Are Absolutely Perfect
I guess if you don't wear ski pants and a turtleneck you aren't allow to give a weather report.
Liberté Chan, a weather reporter for Los Angeles news station KTLA, was stopped mid-report and handed a gray sweater after her off-screen co-anchor, Chris Burrous complained that they were "getting a lot of emails" about the dress.
It's an awkward situation. Check out Chan's confused reaction below:
"Everyone's got an opinion about your dress this morning," Burrous adds, with Chan responding: "Alright, well the other dress didn't work, so...I had to wear something."
The woman is there to tell a bunch of idiots if it's going to rain or not. Let her wear whatever the hell she wants while doing it, and Burrous can continue to wear the ties he buys in bunches from the clearance section at Kmart.
Here's a longer clip of Chan's reaction:
Never forget: Yanet Garcia is Your New Favorite Weather Girl
When you lose someone, it's important to do your best to remember the good times and keep morale up. This woman had the right idea even before she kicked the bucket, as evidenced by the hilarious phrase etched on her headstone, which you can only read properly if you're standing right above it.
They don't call them "fun bags" for nothing.
Related: The Funniest Obituaries Ever Written
Now that we have you all warmed up: Hilariously Bad Simpsons Drawings
You can instantly log on to the Internet today, so how the hell didn't we all reach for the cyanide while dealing with dial-up? Aside from the awful noises it made, and that little yellow guy mocking us, we all overcame the murderous feeling we got anytime we were kicked off once the phone was picked up.
All you need to do today is click the "guide" or "info" button and you'll know exactly what you're watching. But in the '90s, we all had to wait to see when they were going to show "Legends of the Hidden Temple." And if you looked away for one second your world came crashing down on you once you'd discovered you missed the channel you were waiting for.
Forget about scheduling a bunch of shows to record while you go out and get drunk, back in the '90s we couldn't do that. You would have to get someone else to pop in a VHS to record "Clarissa Explains It All," or you would miss it and have to hope for a repeat down the line. Now you can simply record and not watch all the shows you have stored.
We would have zero patience for this today, but there was actually a time where we would look up numbers...in a book. I know, sounds crazy. But we actually opened books back then. And read them.
These little bean-filled assholes were everywhere. Every damn kid (and adult) wanted to get their hands on them. Moms would beat each other up to get their hands on the latest one, and today, while we're still poor, the guy who invented these sits back with a daiquiri in hand on his tropical island.
Recording A Song Off The Radio
You had to time it just right in order to record your favorite song off the radio, and it took everything in you not to smash the radio if the DJ talked over the last few seconds of the song. These were tough times, folks.
Even I found myself saying this when I was young. Ever since Joey Lawrence made it popular on the show "Blossom" everyone was saying it. Why do we do these things to ourselves? As horrible as we may have sounded saying this phrase every three minutes, it was sent into oblivion fairly quickly when the show ended, never to be heard again.
I don't know if any of us were as confident as the dude above, but what went wrong in our brains to not hesitate at all when purchasing JNCOs? When we weren't wearing these awful jeans, we were allowing ourselves to get the following type of haircut....
Yep. People actually went out in public with one of these haircuts. And I'm pretty sure my mom gave me one of these as well. Which is just one of the reasons my childhood was traumatic.
Long before GPS strolled along, your dad would open his map on the dashboard just to try to figure out where the hell you were. Eventually you would end up seeing the Grand Canyon, but not before ending up somewhere where serial killers go to drop bodies off.
Before "Gangnam Style" infiltrated our souls, the "Macarena" was doing it in the '90s. We sung the lyrics even though we never got them right, and like trained cattle we all did the dance in a continuous, horrendous loop. And for that, we won't ever forgive ourselves. But since you're thinking about it now, check out it out here.
December 31, 1999
My dad actually built a poor man's version of an apocalypse shelter in the basement. It had one cabinet filled with canned foods. He never got to use it, because when the clock struck midnight nothing happened. The stock market didn't crash, computers didn't take over and all we discovered was that this miserable world was somehow still intact.
Flipping someone off and yelling obscenities should be as far as a road rage incident goes, but for some reason people always want to take it a step further and act like idiots. And that is a complete understatement when referring to this incident.
This insane road rage altercation includes four people, including a woman who has the most annoying scream in Texas and a man who seems like he really misses his favorite childhood fair ride -- bumper cars (skip ahead to the 1:10 mark for when things really escalate):
According to reports, the man in the white car has now filed a police report.
In conclusion, no one in the video is a winner, but we are because we got to see Houston's trashiest go at it.
Then there's this amazing driver: Here's A North Carolina Woman Ramming Two Police Cars Before Flipping Her Own Car
Watching professional wrestling is great because you get all the excitement of two giant dudes getting into a fight without, you know, actually witnessing two giant dudes beating the living crap out of each other. Obviously there's much more showmanship involved and way more spandex, but let's take a look at the differences between fights in pro wrestling versus fights in real life.
Related: 30 Of The Greatest Wrestling Fan Signs
Maybe we should stop bothering things that can bite the hell out of us because then these things happen.
A 23-year-old beachgoer who, according to one witness, was part of a group that was "holding the shark's tail" and "antagonizing" it was bitten by the two-foot long creature. It seems like it was so pissed at the woman that it refused to let go, and still didn't let go all the way to the hospital.
The woman was treated and is fine, but unfortunately the tiny shark didn't make it.
The needy shark is in fact a nurse shark, and they can grow up to seven-feet long.
The lesson here is to stop being a-holes to animals, and just tan and Instagram seashells like normal beachgoers.
Via KTLA (photos courtesy of Boca Raton Fire Service)
She's lucky this didn't grab her arm: Massive, 60-Foot Shark Caught On Film And Now I'm Never Swimming Again
It's Megan Fox's birthday today (she's 30!), so we are going to celebrate that the only way we know how: By getting drunk at our desks and looking at some of her hottest GIFs. And you can join us! Happy birthday, Megan. May you forever continue to look super hot in your movies and TV show appearances.
Related: The 10 Hottest Margot Robbie GIFs On The Internet
Arianny Celeste is kind of a pervert, which is great for us. This recent clip with Playboy gives us some honest Arianny, who tells us what she'd do if she were a guy for a day and had X-ray vision. She also discloses who her celebrity crushes are and what she likes to listen to while she gets down. If you want to know how to look, how to act and which classic cocktails to order Arianny, you better get to watching. Or just check out the Arianny Celeste gallery for more sexy photos.
Sounds like an "ABC Afterschool Special" if you ask me.
According to Metro, a urologist in Atlantic City, New Jersey, recently revealed that he once treated a female patient while he was in medical school who pulled off the rare feat of getting knocked up after she had anal sex.
Dr. Brian Steixner at the Jersey Urology Group said the woman suffered from a rare condition known as "cloacal malformation," where the rectum, vagina and urethra fail to separate into their own tubes and are all connected as a result.
And if you're wondering if that means that everything exits out of the same pipe, you are correct, as it all drains into "one channel" and "opens where the anus is located."
Despite the fact that the woman had an operation to correct the issue when she was younger, Steixner said she was still able to get pregnant from anal sex because a tiny hole or fistula had formed during the surgery that still connected the organs. However, he was happy to report that both she and her baby were fine after a C-section was performed.
The good and far less disgusting news surrounding cloacal malformation? You guessed it: It only affects one out of every 50,000 people, so odds are you're going to be OK if the two-hole is your preferred route.
Losing a wedding ring in a butthole is a bad day: Guy Loses Wedding Ring Inside Wife During Anal Sex