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- 05/20/16--07:05: _Here's How To Take ...
- 05/20/16--07:29: _Lose Weight Using P...
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- 05/20/16--07:56: _This Picture Proves...
- 05/20/16--08:13: _Miley Cyrus Just Fi...
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- 05/20/16--09:35: _These Florida Twins...
- 05/20/16--09:50: _15 Ways Michelle Ta...
- 05/20/16--10:33: _West Virginia Woman...
- 05/20/16--10:52: _Poor Girl Freaks Th...
- 05/20/16--12:23: _Tatiania Eriksen Ha...
- 05/20/16--18:48: _Johana Gomez Is One...
- 05/22/16--16:50: _Ciara Wears Insanel...
- 05/23/16--00:30: _25 Of The Hottest #...
- 05/23/16--03:53: _13 Porn Categories ...
- 05/23/16--04:19: _Today's Funny Photos
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- 05/23/16--05:20: _The Brilliant Ways ...
- 05/23/16--05:50: _These Movies Look B...
- 05/23/16--06:07: _The Dildo Hoverboar...
- 05/20/16--07:05: Here's How To Take Yourself To Prom
- 05/20/16--07:50: Top 10 Reasons Why... Your Parents Are Disappointed In You
- 05/20/16--08:13: Miley Cyrus Just Figured Out A Way To Get Her Nipples On Instagram
- 05/20/16--10:33: West Virginia Woman Fights Her Son Over Taco Bell Burrito
- 05/20/16--12:23: Tatiania Eriksen Has Sex Appeal That Will Leave You Speechless
- 05/20/16--18:48: Johana Gomez Is One Of The Great Wonders Of The World
- 05/23/16--00:30: 25 Of The Hottest #NoMakeup Selfies On Instagram
- 05/23/16--03:53: 13 Porn Categories That Will Make You Quit The Internet
- 05/23/16--04:19: Today's Funny Photos
- 05/23/16--04:41: Andy Garcia Is Not Who You Think She Is, But In A Hot Way
- 05/23/16--05:20: The Brilliant Ways Black Coffee Can Help Your Workout
- 05/23/16--05:50: These Movies Look Better When Guns Are Replaced With Selfie Sticks
- 05/23/16--06:07: The Dildo Hoverboard Makes Your Commute To Work Pleasurable
Prom season is in full swing, folks, so instead of stressing over who to ask out or who will ask you out, a dude named Raulito on Twitter decided to ask the person whom he loves the most: himself. Take a look at how he went all out to make it the most special day in in his life.
Make it a night you'll never forget, Raulito.
Or you can do this, too: Pulling Off This Prom Prank Is Better Than Winning Prom King Or Queen
Thanks to technology and how amazing being lazy feels, we are getting more and more out of shape as the days go by. And whenever we have some down time we find ourselves sleeping, stuffing our face some more or spending some time with our true loves: porn and sex.
That's why the folks at Pornhub want to make sure you're still staying in shape even while devouring all their free content, and while hooking up with someone (or yourself). So get to know their new exercise program, BangFit. And yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.
You simply log in, choose how many "players" are involved in your sex-fest, link it to your smartphone and away you go. Lose weight while partaking in your favorite activity.
Just take a look at the video below thanks to Pornhub's YouTube to really see how this new sex-based exercise program works.
You can even share your BangFit results to social media so all your closest friends, family, doctor and even elementary school teacher can learn what you're up to in your spare time.
h/t A.V. Club
Innovators: PornHub's Wankband Creates Energy When You Masturbate
We all have parents, and many of us are fortunate enough to have both of them around and know that they love us very much. However, just because they love you, it doesn't mean that they're not simultaneously very disappointed in you. Here are the top 10 reasons why you are a failure to them.
It's hard not to admit that by this time we thought we would be seeing some serious and amazing technological advances. And while we've seen some things here and there, it's nothing like what we expected it to be. Take a look at the picture below to really understand.
Our future is in good hands.
Something tells me the guy above has one of these names: These Parents Ruined Their Kid's Future With These Awful Names
I honestly don't know what Miley Cyrus is up to these days, but I do know this: The girl really wants to get her nipples on Instagram. But since Instagram isn't down with the whole nipples thing, Miley took the "if you fail, try, try again" mentality and finally reached her goal of showing off her nips.
Take a look at the photo that Miley recently posted on her Instagram:
Check out that reflection. And check out Miley breaking down barriers. We knew you could do it, Miley. Now on to more world-changing achievements.
h/t The LAD Bible
Classic Miley: Miley Cyrus Freaks Us Out Again In Her New Topless Photo Shoot
Hey, it's 2016. If you aren't sharing every single second of your life to every stranger on the Internet then you aren't living. And that's why this dude named Miles shared a moment of his life with everyone; namely, live-tweeting the moment the boyfriend of the girl he was messing around with came home.
Posted on Miles' Twitter, we are introduced to Miles in his closet, and from there this story takes a lot of strange turns. Take a look at how it unfolded below:
I'm over this girl's crib in Madison and her man here. I got a charger and her wifi I'm coolin. Update soon pic.twitter.com/nHarYdPAAu— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
Update: she asked me what I wanted to eat but for now she brought me a Capri Sun pic.twitter.com/ThXHnZXGjJ— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
10:55 CST: I think her and her mans left. The front door closed so I'm just gonna go to the fridge— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
11:00 CST: Bruh her fridge hella stocked but you already know what a man went for. pic.twitter.com/5vhbdOtf1Q— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
11:41 CST: Escape plan in motion pic.twitter.com/LrbLwCjTMr— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
11:59 CST: I'm out dis!!! Idk why 12 is here. But I'm just gonna mind my business and keep it movin..... pic.twitter.com/exkp81adOf— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
12:10 CST: Road to freedom. Glory to God for keeping me out of harms way. this Diana Ross too nice bruh pic.twitter.com/x8LyHKCFXk— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 201
12:40 CST: made it back to crib about 10 minutes ago. But I'm gonna bump this Carti and hit the bed. pic.twitter.com/thtOJ0UOjJ— darkskin spicoli (@mileskwhitmore) May 16, 2016
h/t The LAD Bible
Sometimes you end up under the bed: Guy SnapChats His Ordeal From Under His Girl's Bed When Mom Comes Home Early
I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking...heinie. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it. Oh, and you have a twin sister? Terrific.
According to the Daily Mail, a pair of Miami twin sisters took 6.5 pounds of fat from other areas of their bodies and transferred it to their "already fatty" asses a few years ago. The result? You guessed it: "the most famous bottoms on Instagram."
On top of the $58,000 worth of plastic surgery, Dana and Nadia Bruna have eaten five meals a day and followed a strict ass workout regimen to give themselves poop chutes that now measure 40 inches each. And because the sisters post up to 150 pictures of those moneymakers to Instagram every day, they have more than 1.2 million followers combined, meaning they're butts are literally moneymakers now.
That's right, kids. Stay in school. Or drop some mad cash on trunk surgery and post butt selfies or "belfies" of the finished product online so you can earn $30,000 a month like the "Belfie Queens."
Here are some more samples of their "work" thanks to Dana's Instagram and to Nadia's Instagram:
👉🏽 Follow @1nstagram__modelsss 👈🏽 "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world 🍑💦, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches". SO CALM DOWN AND BE YOURSELF. If u believe that u are the last Coke in the desert.., u go bad ma ladyyyy..👐🏽⛔️📛⛔️ #calmdown #donttrip #beyourself #juicypeach #humbleisbeatiful #jealousykills Photo credit📸 @jairrmzphotographer
👉🏽Follow @1nstagram__modelsss 👈🏽. The #AlphaFemale is the dominant female in the group. She's #picky, #Strong and #Confident. A hard worker who is often busy. With little time to devote to those who are Not Genuine. This woman is usually sarcastic because she's Powerful and Playful. An Intelligent, intelectual "Problem Solver".. She understands that being an #AlphaFemale is more a state of mind than physicality. At the same time, she uses her feminine and physical charms to her advantage. Often feared or terribly misunderstood by others. She prefers #Passion to Romance, and #integrity over Bullshit‼️👊🏼💥 "IT IS WHAT IT IS"👐🏽✌🏼🤘🏼 hahaha
Without sexy girls, there would be no reason to go to Instagram. Ever: The Sexiest Girls On Instagram, Vol. 4
We all remember Michelle as the lovable baby of the extended Tanner family on "Full House" -- I say "remember" because you probably haven't seen an episode in nearly 20 years -- but the funny thing about memory is that it has a tendency to embellish the past, often making people out to be more pleasant than they actually were. By the end of this article, you'll have a hard time figuring out why you ever rooted for Michelle Tanner growing up or, God forbid, aspired to be like her. Not only was she easily the most devious, manipulative and downright thoughtless member of the Tanner clan, but oftentimes she reveled in it. She is, and always was, a big bully, and it's about time someone called her on it.
Special note: I wanted to give huge props to my actual baby sister Amber for supplying me all the specific examples on this list needed to hammer the point home (she's seen every episode of the series multiple times and still watches it in reruns to this day). You're the true anti-Michelle Tanner behind this whole operation. Thanks, sis!
Since these examples will be in no particular order, why not start with the whopper that inspired this list in the first place? In the Season 7 episode "The Last Dance," Uncle Jesse's grandfather Papouli passes away while visiting the Tanner household. What you may not have realized at the time is that while this is a devastating blow to Jesse and the entire family, Michelle has no qualms making it all about herself, getting incredibly upset and throwing a tantrum because her grandpa was supposed to come show her class a Greek dance during "show and tell" the next day. Sure, she eventually hashes it out with her uncle, but it devolves very quickly into him making her feel better, even though the whole family has let Michelle know that Jesse was the one person they should try the most not to burden with their sadness. Just to reiterate, this is example number one of many.
Can't Take a Joke...
The best way to be a fun, likable person is to maintain a good sense of humor about yourself, which everybody in the Tanner family (minus one) possesses in spades. When her older sister Stephanie films her family's most embarrassing moments for a school project in the Season 7 episode "Wrong-Way Tanner," buzzkill Michelle brings the room down once she realizes that the video contains footage of her scoring a goal in the wrong net during her most recent soccer game. So instead of the family being proud of Stephanie's accomplishments, they spend the rest of the episode trying to stop Michelle from quitting the team and bringing the whole room down with her crybaby attitude.
...But Happy to Dish Them Out
Considering "Full House" lasted eight seasons, you'd think Michelle would have learned some lessons along the way about compassion, especially since she's on the receiving end of it virtually every episode. But lo and behold, in the series finale "Michelle Rides Again," as Stephanie is rehearsing Shakespeare with her latest crush, Michelle sees nothing wrong with not only telling the kid that Stephanie has a thing for him, but also that she can't blame him for not wanting to kiss her dry, cactus lips. Stephanie is humiliated and tells Michelle she will never forgive her. Of course, once Michelle falls off a horse and loses her memory, her sister feels awful about the last thing she said to her. Michelle eventually gets her memory back but never really learns anything about that whole common decency thing most people aspire to possess. Nope, it's pretty much just back to doing and saying whatever she wants and somehow turning it into everyone feeling sorry for her.
Fair Isn't Fair...
In life, you eventually figure out how seniority works. But there's a big difference between understanding it and adhering to it. Michelle "learns this lesson" the hard way in the Season 5 episode "Take My Sister, Please" after oldest sister D.J. demands her own room after getting fed up living with Stephanie. The whole thing should be an easy transition, but Michelle makes Stephanie feel so bad and unwanted in the process that it becomes the focal point of the episode, forcing D.J. and Stephanie to hash things out while not really making any added drama for Michelle. She still eventually moves in with Stephanie, but not until she does maximum damage first.
...Unless It's Unfair In Her Favor
I honestly could have done an entire piece about how middle child Stephanie gets dumped on repeatedly throughout the entire run of "Full House," but you would have just come to the same conclusion as this list. Michelle makes Stephanie's life a living hell at every opportunity, and it's no more evident than in the two-part Season 6 finale "The House Meets the Mouse." In it, Michelle takes Stephanie's turn to rub the magic lamp and becomes "princess for the day" of the whole park, leaving Stephanie understandably jealous and angry. Of course, the power goes to Michelle's head in no time and her sisters wind up ditching her. Again, this story ends with Michelle eventually kinda-sorta doing the right thing by using her third wish to make Stephanie a princess, as well, but by the that point Stephanie had squandered much of her vacation pouting.
Michelle's selfish ways know no bounds. Especially when she was young and cute, she'd use it to her full advantage. Take, for example, in the Season 4 episode "Fuller House" when Uncle Jesse decides to move in with his new bride Becky, who lives roughly 10 minutes away on foot. Michelle throws a fit (what else is new?) and winds up guilting Jesse and Becky into simply moving into the family's attic, where they will eventually raise two children of their own for some reason. But hey, as long as Michelle's happy.
The Season 5 episode "Happy Birthday, Babies (Part 1)" is vintage bratty Michelle. Her fifth birthday is coming up, and she's milking it for all it's worth. After basking in the attention for as long as she can, her dad, Danny, decides it's time to close the book (literally) on her being the baby of the family, as her Aunt Becky is pregnant and due any day now. Danny tries to put one final photo of Michelle in her baby book, but she refuses and claims she is going to stay four years old forever. Once again, everyone in the family has to stop what they're doing to convince her she'll always be special because she's Michelle. Not exactly the first word I'd use for her, but whatever.
Any time Michelle wasn't busy making everyone feel sorry for her, you can bet she was formulating plans to get them to do whatever she wanted. That's how selfish, manipulative people work, after all. The fact that the category of blackmail even made this list is frightening enough, but what's even scarier is that there were at least two instances where Michelle used leverage against her older sister D.J. to gain the upper hand. One such scenario occurs in the Season 5 episode "Sisters in Crime" when D.J. tries to sneak out to go on a date at the movies, but is forced to take her sisters with her and sneak them in. Otherwise, they'll rat her out. The other takes place in Season 7's "Support Your Local Parents" after D.J. gets a speeding ticket. Michelle and Stephanie hold this information against her so they can borrow her clothes whenever they want. Sure, these were more tag team efforts than anything, but they paved the way for even worse behavior from Michelle down the road.
Turning Friends Against Each Other
The Season 7 episode "Be Your Own Best Friend" was practically Blackmail 2.0 for Michelle. Faced with the dilemma of having two best friends and being forced to pick just one for a school project, what do you think Michelle does? If you guessed, "have them fight over who she will choose by making them give her their favorite possessions to try and win her decision," then congratulations.
Being a Complete Ass
"You Pet It, You Bought It" from Season 8 is a little out there, but it still gets the point across: Michelle thinks of no one but herself and is more than willing to inconvenience everyone around her if it's ultimately what she wants to do. After earning more than $200 selling lemonade on a hot day, she does what any kid would do in the situation and buys a miniature donkey from a traveling petting zoo. Being Michelle and all, she doesn't bother inquiring about a return policy, either, leaving the family stuck with the nuisance of a pet until they can give it away. Did I mention it collectively ruins every single person's day (except for Michelle's) along the way by destroying things they love? Because that's sort of the worst part.
Yes, I know she's literally the baby of the family for the first several seasons, but I'm talking about the kind of baby who loses out on the part of Yankee Doodle in a school play (a role both of her sisters played at her age) and tries to then quit altogether because a clearly better performer was chosen. That's Michelle's story in Season 6's "The Play's the Thing." Since it's her uncles Jesse and Joey running the show, this is obviously (and admittedly) a harsh blow. That these two grown men feel they have to not only apologize to Michelle, but convince her she should be proud of her friend and continue on with the show in a more fitting role shows just how wrapped around her finger she has these poor people.
...And Knows It
As I mentioned earlier, this spoiled rotten brat knows how to play her cards right. Not only that, but she's also pretty good at showing off that, let's face it, their dad seems to love her more than the other two. In the Season 4 episode "Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor," Danny is having a hard time punishing his "little princess." Even though she's instigating her older sisters into trouble, he continues to punish them for it because he believes Michelle is still too little to know better. It takes an entire episode of this nonsense for Danny to figure out that Michelle very clearly understands the difference between right and wrong and simply doesn't care. She even says it right to his freaking face at one point! She might as well have spit at him.
The Girl Who Cried Wolf (But Learned Nothing)
Speaking of rubbing her sisters' faces in her triumphs, the Season 4 episode "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" surprisingly only features Michelle in a side story, which is unfortunate considering when less eyes are on her she's even more of a devious handful. Her plot line this time around involves telling people lies, then saying, "Ha ha, ha ha, ha, I fooled you." Sounds about right. Her sister Stephanie, being a decent person and all, decides this is the perfect time to teach Michelle a "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"-esque lesson about not tricking people. This would be easily understood and accepted by most people. However, since Michelle tells a fib about her sister D.J. sneaking out of the house that winds up being true, Michelle figures it's only right to boast to Stephanie that her weak Aesop's Fables ain't got nothing on her.
A Little Bit of Everything
What would a list like this be without at least one all-inclusive example of Michelle's endless quest to be everyone's number one concern at all times? In the Season 7 finale "A House Divided," some snooty, rich British guy comes to the Tanner residence and offers to buy it for an absurd amount of money because it was his childhood home. Well, guess what, dude -- this is Michelle's childhood home now, and she'll fight tooth and nail to convince her family that this matters so they won't sell. Regardless of it being in everyone's best interest besides Michelle's, she's more than crafty enough after all her years of manipulation and bullying to get everyone (including her friends) to help her succeed. Which she does, of course.
Family Doesn't Matter
Last but not least, Michelle was the only Tanner member not to return to Netflix's "Fuller House" earlier this year. Sure, it's because actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were too busy being billionaire fashion moguls to be bothered with a corny reunion series, but the fact that they pretty much used that same excuse for the Michelle character and it fit perfectly into her personality says about all there is left to say about the worst role model children of the '90s grew up admiring.
Then again, things would have been pretty boring without her:
If you're in the marketing department at Taco Bell, go take a vacation. I mean, there is no better endorsement for just how damn good your food is than a mother beating the shit out of her kid over one of your burritos.
According to WOWK, a Milton mother was arrested last Friday after police arrived at her house and found her punching her teenage son in the face. The reason for the altercation? You guessed it: a Taco Bell burrito.
When police officers tried to place Loretta Lynn Armstrong in handcuffs, she took her crazy to the next level. Armstrong reportedly began screaming and cussing up a storm before throwing herself on the ground and rolling around.
Officers were somehow able to keep a straight face and eventually slapped the cuffs on her. After a brief medical evaluation, Armstrong was placed in the back of a squad car and hauled off to jail. Police then contacted Child Protective Services to find a better place for Armstrong's son, which by the looks of things, would be pretty much anywhere else.
A burger worth dying for: Weird News: Florida Man Kills Brother During Argument Over Cheeseburger
Have you ever seen a 12-year-old kid lose his shit as he is being chased by a bee? Do you remember hearing your mom scream the first time a gang of bikers flew past your parked car on the 405? Or have you ever seen a video of a nun who thought she was walking into a church, but it turned out to be a strip club instead?
Well, this is pretty much the same thing, except it's a poor girl whose friend thought it would be a good idea for her to give a virtual reality zombie game a try.
It was not. Check out the video below thanks to that friend's Twitter:
oh my god i can't stop laughing my coworker just played the VR zombie game and lost her goddamn mind pic.twitter.com/XCxf03bTcL— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) May 20, 2016
So, yeah. On the day the zombie apocalypse finally arrives, you can expect this girl to be at the front of the line. Not the one that is getting ready to send the zombies back where they came from but rather the one that is getting ready to jump out the window.
h/t Barstool Sports
Sex in the future is going to be crazy. Oh, and lonely: Virtual Reality Sex Suits Are Making It Hard To Fight The Future
Johana "Jo" Gomez is like any magical monument this world has to offer: tall, dreamy, wet and breathtaking. She's got all the great characteristics of the biggest waterfalls, the tallest mountaintops and the wider horizons, except with awesome boobs. But why continue talking about Johana when we can show you her best work from Instagram @joneofthewonders? Just promise us you'll add her username and follow this hot girl when you're finished taking in the scenery.
Ciara just won all the Billboard Music awards.
It's OK, you can admit you didn't know that the Billboard Music Awards were going on right now. I didn't either. But what I do know is that I really agree with Ciara's dress choice. If you want to know why, go ahead and check out her red carpet pics below. Then go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor.
All images via Getty.
For guys, it can be traumatic to see some girls with no makeup on, especially if they're in your bed latched onto you in the morning. Although, it's better than having their clown makeup stain your pillows and dye your arms as they shed tears of regret from having been naked with you. Point being, there are still some hot no-makeup photos out there. From celebrity babes to models with huge Instagram followings, the #nomakeup selfie has found a small, yet strangely exciting, place in our hearts.
Ich hätte nie gedacht, dass ich es mal schaffen würde, meine Abs so lange zu behalten 😆 aber ich will mich sicherlich nicht beklagen 😅 Das jahrelange "Herum-Expermintieren" macht sich endlich bezahlt - mittlerweile kenne ich meinen Körper und die meisten dazu passenden Go's ✔ und No-Go's ☠ gut genug, um die Form nach Wunsch zu steuern 👍 @roadtogloryjilsai @smilodox_official @esnsupplementscom @fitmart_de @mcello_ @ben_gainz @anni_panda @stefan_riemenschneider #morningface #nomakeup #abs #roadtoglory #roadtoglorygainz #myrtg #girlsgonestrong #girlswithmuscles #fitnessgirls #girlswholift #dedication #tonedbodies #aestheticbodies #swole #fitspiration #fitgirlsmotivation #fitchicks #inkedgirls #iloveliftingheavyshit #irongirl #muskelmädchen #ironaddict #perfectlyimperfect #lassdieandernsichverändernundbleibsowiedubist #gibinternetramboskeinechance #saynotokeyboardwarriors
Search Results on Pornhub: 845
Actual Porn Comment: "But why?"
Explanation: Toothless granny porn involves senior citizens who remove their dentures and place them on the bedside table. What happens after is the reason you're here and not searching toothless granny porn on Pornhub. Cal it an alternative source of income to Bingo.
My Little Pony
Search Results on Pornhub: 922
Actual Porn Comment: "Love Applejack!"
Explanation: Friendship is magic. "My Little Pony" porn isn't. It baffles me personally to know that the ponies on the show are female, yet in porn they have penises. Large ones. Monster ones. One might even say they're hung like ponies.
Search Results on xVideos: 566
Actual Porn Comment: "Boring. 12 minutes is too long."
Explanation: Red Rhapsody is a blanket term for menstrual porn. What's even more shocking is the fact that the approval ratings for these videos hover above 95 percent every time. They're seen by millions of people. The more I live, the more humanity confuses me.
Search Results on xVideos: 45
Actual Porn Comment: "That's a very lucky gnome."
Explanation: Garden gnomes have red pointy hats. These red pointy hats fit perfectly into porno considering the prevalence of other pointy things like butt plugs. Author Fannie Tucker wrote an erotica novel titled "Garden Gnome Sex Party" about a girl who uses her lawn ornaments to pleasure herself. She also wrote a book called "Nostril F--ked by the Micropenis," which brings her into Nobel Prize territory in my book.
Search Results on Pornhub: 844
Actual Porn Comment: "In Japan it's perfectly normal to read the news with your face covered in cum."
Explanation: When you type "Japanese newscaster" into Google, only porn comes up. Which is a shame if you truly want to be a Japanese newscaster. Here's what the smut involves: The Japanese newscaster gets a bit of...um...doughnut glaze on her face. She proceeds to give a news report. The news report is routinely interrupted by more glazing. Par for the course in Japan.
Search Results on xVideos: 743
Actual Porn Comment: "I want both those furry things right here."
Explanation: Anime with animals -- bears, wolves, lions, tigers. The artwork is stunning. It's stunning that someone would create yiff as a profession. The house music in the background is a nice touch, too.
Search Results on Pornhub: 847
Actual Porn Comment: "Names?!"
Explanation: Not recommended to watch while eating cereal, milk enema porn involves ladies and gay guys shooting milk out of their hindquarters. It came to light in 2015 that El Chapo Guzman, ringleader of the Sinaloa Cartel, is into milk enema porn. He called Donald Trump a "caga leche," which translates roughly to "milk pooper."
Search Results on xVideos: 432
Actual Porn Comment: "I wanna hump her stump."
Explanation: That's amputee porn, if you're not into the whole Latin thing. You might think only veterans and circus carnies would be into it, but that's surprisingly untrue. For example, in 2014 a Swiss professor was busted for accidentally showing his entire class amputee porn. It's not just culturally accepted, it's international.
Search Results on xVideos: 314
Actual Porn Comment: "The first time I did this to an ex-girlfriend. She asked if maybe I was gay ... DUH!"
Explanation: A definition from "Fight Club" author Chuck Palahniuk: "Felching is when a man f--ks you up the butt without a rubber. He shoots his load, and then plants his mouth on your anus and sucks out his own warm sperm, plus whatever lubrication and feces are present. That's felching. It may or may not, include kissing you to pass the sperm and fecal matter into your mouth."
Search Results on xVideos: 923
Actual Porn Comment: "Do Italians ever stop talking?"
Explanation: Hirsute is an SAT word for "hairy." Women within this porn category sport beavers that look furious. Snarling, unkempt, beastly things. There's a reason I'm proud to live in 2016.
Search Results on Pornhub: 373
Actual Porn Comment: "Weirdest boner."
Explanation: The earliest appearance of tentacle porn happened in the 1814 Hokusai Katsushika novel "The Dream of a Fisherman's Wife." Apparently, that dream involved her getting ravaged by squid. Personal intuition dictates that since Japanese pornos aren't allowed to show genitalia, they have to resort to something else. Giant octopus arms are a good substitute, I guess.
Search Results on xVideos: 4,067
Actual Porn Comment: "I wish I could lick Selena Gomez's armpits."
Explanation: Ever since we sprang forth from the womb, we've been told that armpits are disgusting. It seems that the taboo of salty pit muck is what drives masses of porn enthusiasts to this genre. Sniffing and licking armpits is surprisingly a cash cow in the adult biz.
Search Results on Pornhub: 96
Actual Porn Comment: "I wish this guy would stop clowning around."
Explanation: The late Hollie Stevens is credited with bringing clown porn to the mainstream. It's supposed to bring out people's playful sides, not just in porn, but in suburban bedrooms everywhere. You could theorize the appeal of it is rooted in childhood trauma, and you'd probably be right.
If you're feeling down on yourself, here are some funny photos to pick you up. Or, just be happy you're not the creepy perv who wrote that disgusting comment on this innocent girl's Instagram account. Either way, this page should greatly improve your mood on another Monday.
Follow Mandatory on Twitter.
Follow Mandatory on Instagram.
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You may think you have to choose between having your coffee and working out in the morning, but you may be wrong. Sports studies have shown a number of brilliant ways black coffee can help your workout. Drinking moderate amounts an hour before exercising can do worlds for your brain, blood flow, output and aftermath.
Check out some of the perks of having a few sips of coffee before your workout, but make sure it's freshly ground and avoid creamers, artificial sweeteners and, for Pete's sake, hit the john before you start your squats. That's a clever reference to a big coffee chain (Pete's). Let it soak in.
Speedy Bowel Movements
We might as well get this shit out of the way, so to speak. It's no secret that caffeine, especially right out the gate in the morning, can hurry the turtles to the race. That, and foods that make you poop, can get the filth out of your system faster, relieving toxins and allowing for a cleaner, smoother workout. There's nothing worse than crapping your drawers mid-squat, am I right?!
Accelerated Fat Loss
Coffee's fat-burning abilities mixed with steady workouts is a powerful duo. Small amounts of caffeine enlist fat cells for the workout, instead of glycogen, allowing you to burn those off first. And larger amounts of caffeine increase metabolism, which keeps you burning calories throughout and after your workout. Caffeine is truly becoming the drug of the new generation. And it's way cheaper than blow, as well as easily accessible!
Increased Blood Flow and Circulation
Japanese studies have found that caffeine also increases blood flow by studying the effects on non-caffeine drinkers, giving regular to some and decaf to others. The people who drank the regular coffee were found to have 30 percent increased blood flow, which allows for better circulation which allows more oxygen to the muscles, and thus, a better workout.
Improved Mental Focus
Like any stimulant, coffee, when not polluted with dairy and dirtied sugars, increases mental capacity and the ability to focus. That focus can prove highly beneficial in the workout scenario, keeping you focused, active and motivated in your exercises. Nobody who ever did great things had a milkshake right before, and I dare you to prove me wrong.
The University of Illinois claims that about two cups of coffee one hour before a short workout reduces the perceived muscle pain. Caffeine, which increases blood flow and mental focus, also has the ability to help you push harder, building muscle and endurance at a faster pace, allowing you to move up in strength training at a faster pace as well.
Increased Endurance and Performance
Sports Medicine has found a correlation between coffee and athletes, allowing for greater putout (maybe I should give my girlfriend more coffee) and longer exercises. Other studies have shown that caffeine improves performance in running, weight training and other common exercises, giving people the edge they crave in workouts. And to think, most celebrities are trending for using "non-steroid drugs" that still get them in trouble. Just get on over to Starbucks, bro! Actually, don't.
Muscle Preservation and Stamina
Sports scientists studied the effects of caffeine on age-related injuries, finding that caffeine was offsetting muscle loss both in the diaphragm and skeletal tissue. This protective property might prove worthy for aging adults who want to work out but commonly face age-related injury. Drinking moderate amounts of caffeine can not only improve the workout, but can also allow exercisers to continue their strength training into the bulk of years where muscle loss is most prevalent.
You'd have to have grown up under a large rock to not know exercise is disease preventing, but caffeine can be especially beneficial due to its antioxidant properties. Not only can it help with the workout, but coffee has an inverse relation to diabetes, some cancers, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, meaning the more moderately you drink coffee, the better off you might be down the road.
In 2014, John Hopkins found that caffeine drinkers have better memory within the 24-hour window of consuming caffeine. When testing people by giving either a caffeine dose or a placebo, results showed the caffeine subjects to score significantly higher than those with the placebo.
Although caffeine is recommended before a workout, not so much after, it can also be somewhat beneficial after (as long as you're hydrating, too!) exercising. In terms of long-term endurance and cardio worker-outers, caffeine has been found to be a double threat when paired with carbs, giving even larger pockets of energy stored in muscles, which can be big for power training and advanced exercises both longer and harder.
You know, that might help you in the sack, too. Everybody wins! Now go chug some coffee.
Eco-friendly advice: Use reusable filters whenever you have a chance, you filthy coffee junkies.
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