Articles on this Page
- 06/09/16--15:04: _Watch This NYC Citi...
- 06/10/16--04:11: _Today's Funny Photos
- 06/10/16--05:50: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 06/10/16--06:20: _Curing Pornhead: Th...
- 06/10/16--06:50: _The Craziest Things...
- 06/10/16--07:00: _Mandatory's 2016 Sp...
- 06/10/16--07:38: _'Family Guy' Nails ...
- 06/10/16--07:50: _The Cozy Kitchens O...
- 06/10/16--08:15: _Why You Should Neve...
- 06/10/16--09:05: _Sand Sculpting Segm...
- 06/10/16--10:48: _This Flight Itinera...
- 06/10/16--10:55: _This Relationship C...
- 06/10/16--11:07: _Poor Telemundo Repo...
- 06/10/16--11:40: _Weird News: Here's ...
- 06/10/16--11:56: _Antje Utgaard Domin...
- 06/10/16--12:21: _Woman Recording Men...
- 06/10/16--16:31: _This Guy's Hot Girl...
- 06/13/16--03:10: _This Dog Just Told ...
- 06/13/16--04:02: _10 Deadly Toilet En...
- 06/13/16--04:43: _Today's Funny Photos
- 06/10/16--04:11: Today's Funny Photos
- 06/10/16--05:50: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 06/10/16--06:20: Curing Pornhead: The Benefits of Giving Up Your Dirty Porn Habits
- 06/10/16--06:50: The Craziest Things People Have Yelled During Sex
- 06/10/16--07:00: Mandatory's 2016 Spirits Guide For Father's Day
- 06/10/16--07:38: 'Family Guy' Nails The Sad, Painful Truth About Marriage
- 06/10/16--07:50: The Cozy Kitchens Of Our Favorite TV Shows
- 06/10/16--08:15: Why You Should Never Dance In Tight Suit Pants (NSFW)
- 06/10/16--09:05: Sand Sculpting Segment Goes Wrong On Live TV
- 06/10/16--10:48: This Flight Itinerary Will Immediately Put Your Mind In The Gutter
- 06/10/16--11:07: Poor Telemundo Reporter Gets Attacked During Live Report
- 06/10/16--16:31: This Guy's Hot Girlfriend Keeps Falling For His Spider Pranks
- 06/13/16--03:10: This Dog Just Told The Worst Knock Knock Joke Ever
- 06/13/16--04:02: 10 Deadly Toilet Encounters
- 06/13/16--04:43: Today's Funny Photos
President Obama was in New York City Wednesday afternoon for an appearance on "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" and a fundraiser, meaning numerous streets were either closed or barricaded for security purposes.
As is usually the case, not everybody in the Big Apple got the memo. In particular, 59-year-old Daniel Provencio paid a heavy price for not knowing what was shaking at the corner of Park Avenue and East 50th Street:
Despite officers yelling for him to stop, not to mention the fact that there were police lights already flashing at the intersection, it looked as though Provencio had absolutely no intention of stopping, so officers were forced to tackle him and the innocent ride-sharing bike to the ground. And given that this is the president of the United States we're talking about here, Provencio should feel rather fortunate that this was the method officers used to bring him down.
Provencio was issued a disorderly conduct summons, which seems like a small price to pay for being an absolute dipshit in front of the commander in chief.
We think Provencio deserved a tackle more like this: This Rugby Player Almost Got His Penis Ripped Off During A Tackle
Friday is here, so kick back with the last funny photos batch of the week and then get to the bar. Go ahead. Hurry up. Get to scrolling.
Follow Mandatory on Instagram.
Follow Mandatory on Twitter.
Click here so you never have to stop laughing at funny photos.
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
[creation of insects]— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 31, 2016
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Starting to think Soulja Boy didn't actually serve time in the military— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 2, 2016
That boy lil Nicki from Fresh Prince grew up to look like every UPS driver ever pic.twitter.com/CfDRLzFn6w— Future Millionaire (@FunnyMaine) June 3, 2016
we're all out of ultrasound jelly i hope grape is ok— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) June 1, 2016
The perils of not knowing your art. 😆 pic.twitter.com/dXsouRpkXs— (((Helen Ayres))) (@Raphaelite_Girl) June 4, 2016
Invest in my startup, Strangr. We send a stranger to your location. What happens after that is up to you. You're gonna hate it.— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 3, 2016
I thought these were loaves of bread and I got very confused but also excited pic.twitter.com/spYubLLB6z— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) June 5, 2016
[getting owned by a group of teens]— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) May 29, 2016
ME: listen dudes, you should respect your elders
TEEN: suck my dick
ME: i won't. i will not do that
If only there was a visual metaphor for how well 2016 seems to be going so far. pic.twitter.com/hzfdgrNadL— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 30, 2016
*throws my life away* Kobe— an pigeon,, (@imskytrash) June 3, 2016
My greatest high school achievement pic.twitter.com/wcTqhqMggg— leonardo semma (@LeonardoSemma) June 5, 2016
"Damn, RIP Ali. Legend." - guy who thinks Cam Newton needs to tone it down and wishes LeBron would never speak out on anything except sports— Justin Morissette (@JustinMoris) June 4, 2016
couldn't decide what art to put in my living room so i hung up a picture of the living room pic.twitter.com/tlwpIzlo7o— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 3, 2016
youve never plowed a U Haul 60 ft into the lobby of a marriott inn, killing a bellhop? guess youre a perfect driver who never makes mistakes— Mike F (@mikefossey) June 2, 2016
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) June 1, 2016
Uber, but for having desperate human beings locked in cages because they slightly inconvenienced you for a second. pic.twitter.com/JCdj9SJxfE— Ryan J. Reilly (@ryanjreilly) June 3, 2016
I just want a guy that will hold my hair back while I light things on fire.— denise (@Stellacopter) February 10, 2015
Spanish: The h is silent— Magark (@markedly) May 13, 2016
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Just got a peek at my neighbor's schedule for today. pic.twitter.com/yuFrkidKk2— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) June 5, 2016
Why people be so happy on cereal boxes for like bruh I know u not that happy eating fiber one— Kevin Castro (@KevsDgaf) June 5, 2016
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
Now, let's consider some of the actual benefits, scientific or otherwise, for giving up your dirty porn habits. You might be surprised that giving up your pornhead lifestyle might actually improve your mack in the sack. What does that mean? You'll just have to read and find out, because we're not exactly sure ourselves.
More Time for Actual Sex
Like real sex? Sold! With all the time you spend destroying your brain as a pornhead, you can actually redirect that energy toward meeting real-life girls. Rediscover the simple pleasures of sex all over again, just like losing your virginity all over again.
This may pave the way for some seriously freaky sexual fetishes, as well as a scientifically proven decrease in erectile dysfunction! If nothing else, you'll have more time to enjoy the perks of rubbing one out that doesn't have to end with intense hand release followed by postpartum peen depression when you have to finally let go of your johnson.
More Spank Bank Deposits
Aside from putting some distance between you and your free porn apps, it's time to finally enjoy an idealized pre-internet era where your memory, imagination and favorite girl-on-girl kisses in film dictate where your solo sex life goes. There's nothing quite like using bits of real life in your "sextra-curricular" activities, just as long as it's not in public. When it comes to the spank bank or ATM (asexual testicle machine), anything is possible, and the best part: It's just as easy to make a withdrawal as it is to make a deposit.
Lowered Sexual Threshold
This is a problem for pornheads, as well as people and their vibrators: building such a high threshold that simple, ordinary pleasures have little effect on the "out-cum." (Are you sick of our sexual innuendos yet?) Getting away from porn will make you appreciate common gestures offered by your sexual partners. Otherwise, you'll be asking her to do some things she's not comfortable with just so you can get yours and a good night's sleep. Just know she won't sleep a wink after tonguing your butthole after you ate Taco Bell for the third straight day without showering after work.
Realistic Expectations of Partners
While it's not always as easy to find a real-life girl willing to lick your backside as it is to find one on the net getting paid and filmed, getting away from porn may set some realistic boundaries for you. Sure, porn is a good way to escape and see something you wouldn't normally see, sort of like a 3-D Michael Bay joint, but too much can become a real problem and may affect your ability to function in the real world. The same holds true for anything involving shitty Michael Bay.
Goodbye Carpal Tunnel
You know you're deep in the rabbit hole when your porn habits are causing injury, especially when that hole has a tunnel of carpal at the end. As a writer and single aficionado, I can tell you this: carpal tunnel is real, as well as depressing. In addition, porn tends to build a stronger climax than a regular masturbatory session, which in turn causes more intense dehydration, sleepiness, unplanned naps and, again, strained muscles. Do yourself a favor and get off the net and get a real girlfriend who will rub your junk. Your wrist(s) will thank you.
Studies show that getting rid of your pornhead habits can lead to increased testosterone, which leads to lovely symptoms of feeling healthier and motivated, as well as working better and exercising more efficiently. Though you may not need it, a little black coffee can help your workout, too. And studies also show you could get a deeper voice. The perks are endless!
Better Focus and Energy
Along with increased testosterone, your focus and energy, two things you wave bye-bye to after a lengthy session in the blackhole vortex of porn, will boost. If you wonder why you're constantly struggling to complete the most medial tasks, consider how much porn you're tuning into. Take a few days off and see if you don't notice a difference. If it's working for you, make porn more of a reward for a hard day's work. You thought we were going to make another innuendo there, didn't you? We don't have to; we're giving you pornhead just reading this.
Less Sleepy, More Stimulated
As far as lethargy goes, porn has been known to have calming perks, but if you're already a calm and cool cucumber, porn will send you into sleep mode when you don't want it. In addition, it makes waking up more difficult, between the dehydration and loss of all that protein. If you're going to do it at an inopportune time, be sure to drink a lot of water afterwards to keep yourself awake, keep some coffee close-by or go for a walk to keep yourself with the world until it's time for bed. If you do it before you sleep, drink plenty of water so you can get up and be enthusiastic about the following day.
Increased Willpower and Self-Control
All these things included, you'll notice the more self-control you have, the less you feel like a dirty-handed slave to your peen. Your confidence in your newfound willpower will have you the master of your own domain, bringing a great deal of excitement and motivation to move into other areas of your life. Should you give up porn as a hobby, see if you notice other unplanned areas of your life improving as well. Who knew you were so good at basketball? It's so much easier to compete when you have two free hands at your own disposal.
Finish That Book You've Been Working on
With more time, confidence and willpower, you'll have more than enough time to tackle those passion projects you've been putting off for so long. How about that terrible novel you have brewing in your head? Not that head, the other one. Now, take your hand off the mouse and make something of yourself, dammit!
Well, I feel as though I've helped some people today. Think I'll go reward myself with some good old-fashioned pornography!
A lot of people have had extremely weird things said to them after sex, but that's nothing compared to the awkwardness that occurs when bizarre and random things are said during sex. Thank to Whisper, folks that have either heard bizarre things or, even worse, have said them were able to confess it for all of us to read and enjoy. Check out some of the craziest things people have yelled during sex.
It's not always smooth sailing: Incredibly Awkward Things That Have Happened During Foreplay
"Endless Rant IPA" From Adam Carolla
I asked Mr. Carolla why this beer would make a good Father's Day gift and he replied, "Because the best way to connect with your father is with a cold beer and a warm buzz." Can't argue with that.
A balance of the classic West Coast IPA citrus and pine character with the new school tropical fruit profile hops supported by a solid malt backbone and a clean bitter finish, The Endless Rant IPA tastes delicious and is great for any occasion -- from unwinding at home and watching sports to backyard barbecues and summer gatherings. (6.2% ABV, $9.99 for 22.5 ounce bottle)
Special Edition Rolling Stones Jose Cuervo Especial
For the rock star dads out there, not afraid of the front row at a concert or partying at the club, there is the Cuervo family's blue agave recipe bottled at 81 proof. The bottle is a portal into rock 'n' roll history; his chance to party like The Stones and the gaggle of celebrities and fans in their wake. The bottle was created to celebrate the pivotal role Jose Cuervo® played in fueling The Rolling Stones™' notorious 1972 North American tour, which was dubbed the "Tequila Sunrise Tour." Rock on! ($19)
For the dad who enjoys luxury items. Milenio is premium extra-aged anejo tequila, matured for 40 months in American Oak barrels. The liquid spends four months being finished in French Oak ex-cognac barrels. It has a surprisingly balanced, soft and unique flavor with notes of vanilla, cinnamon and caramel ($225)
Even if your dad's not a pirate, he still probably enjoys a good rum (and if he is a pirate, awesome). Exquisito is a bold dark rum blend which marries younger rums aged seven years and matured rums aged 23 years aged in oak barrels and finished in sherry casks. After the aging process, the rums are blended, transferred and stored in sherry casks to rest for a minimum of one month; the result is a bold, yet delicately balanced rum. Exquisito combines the fruitier notes of its seven year-old rums with the smokier and spicier notes of its 23-year-old rums, each bringing its own distinct aromas and taste to this smooth, silky blend. Exquisito is best served neat to experience all the nuanced flavors the liquid has to offer. ($149)
The Glenlivet 21 Year Old Single Malt (Engraved Custom Bottle)
Dad loves scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Down into his belly. This Father's Day, complete a true whisky aficionado's collection with an engraved bottle of The Glenlivet, the single malt that started it all. The 21 Year Old is produced in small, bespoke batches. Each cask is nosed and approved, making every batch unique To add a personalized touch, custom engrave a bottle of the rich and intense 21-year-old single malt to make your gift even more memorable and heartfelt. ($255)
Booker's Annis' Answer
Last but not least, here's a bourbon that is only for the real dadly dads out there (not sure what that means). What I mean by that is that it is 126.7 proof. If you want to sip on some with your old man, just be warned that it'll put hair on your chest. (And you should probably sip with ice or cut with water.)
Booker's Batch 2016-02, also referred to as Annis' Answer, pays tribute to Booker's proposal to his wife and the day they were married. Annis' Answer features a unique batch label depicting an engagement ring, so there's a nice love story behind this one for your old man. Annis' Answer is now available nationwide ($59.99)
If you've taken the plunge, you probably understand all the ups and downs that come with it -- even though the downs are what really stand out after a short time. If you're still on the fence about getting married or not, allow "Family Guy" to sway you in the right direction. Take a look at the following pictures that communicate precisely what the consequences of marriage can be.
And now check out the clip here.
h/t The Chive
Or maybe you'll have better luck marrying these things: 10 Bizarre Things People Have Married
Since 1989, four of New York's finest have hashed out their qualms with everyone and every bit of society in this tiny bachelor pad. The kitchen itself saw a hilarious redesign in season eight, as well as a modern upgrade for the foursome's guest appearance in season seven of "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
When most "Friends" fanatics think of the kitchen, they think of that gaudy paint job across the hall from Joey and Chandler's apartment. How these two apartments were in the same building is beyond us, considering one space had huge ceilings, a porch that comfortably fit six and a view of the city, while the other one had foosball and a duck. Strangely enough, most men would probably gravitate towards the one with the duck, especially if it had two recliners and Jennifer Aniston was briefly your roommate with consistently hard nips.
"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
How many fat jokes about Uncle Phil and crybaby shots at Carlton did you see Will dish out in this classic kitchen between 1990 and 1996? Check out where the cast of "The Fresh Prince" is now, being that it's been 20 years since the finale. We'll give you a hint: Tatyana Ali is still bangin' hot.
In a show about a place where nothing is real, the candid morning conversations and "bagel schmearing" was not only very real, but a thing of beauty. Despite only four seasons, the Cohen family kitchen felt like childhood all over again, whether someone was just shot with bullets or botox.
The kitchen seemed to be the only place Tim Taylor was safe from himself. He was destructive when it came to cars in the garage and work on set, and when he wasn't screwing things up with the wife, he was gathering sage wisdom one of the best in class TV neighbors we want to live next door to, Wilson. The laughs were enough to make you ho-ho-ho. We're not sure if that's a "Tool Time" reference or a shot at "The Santa Clause."
Before Don was a single ladies' man, he was a married ladies' man, and this was the kitchen he shared with sweet Betty (January Jones). Although the arguments and make-up sex of the early seasons were lovely to live through in this cozy kitchen, we much preferred the later years in the New York penthouse.
"King of Queens"
The sheer number of self-inflicted fat jokes cracked in this kitchen by Kevin James alone, Lord only knows. Between the witty banter of his wife, Carrie (Leah Remini), and the classic appearances from his basement dwelling father-in-law, Arthur (Jerry Stiller), this tiny little nook saw a hell of a lot of laughs in its nine-season run.
With the cast back now in "Fuller House," it got us thinking about how little some things change. The kitchen is still spotless, still the place for lots of heart-to-heart pep talks, still cheesy as all get out. You just never expect the annoying neighbor will eventually move in with you.
"Beverly Hills 90210"
If you were born in the '80s and know anything about life, chances are you were practically raised on "Beverly Hills 90210," which means the father-son talks with Jim Walsh were a regular occurrence in this kitchen. It wasn't until Jim moved out and all the friends moved in that it got a little borderline incestuous, which is what the '90s were all about!
God bless the man, and his kitchen too. The late "Sopranos" actor had many a family moment in this cozy kitchen, some not so cozy though. Between the whacking, the arguing and the betraying, this kitchen was likely the safest place on the entire mob series, which went to black at the end of its sixth season in 2007.
Dancing and trying to look decent is a tough thing to do, but when you add a pair of too-tight suit pants it just becomes an impossible task. And no one knows that better than this poor dude below who attempted to bust a move, and ended up doing way more than that.
Check out the GIF below to know what I mean, and just know that this is VERY NSFW. Seriously.
And there goes his only pair of dress pants.
This guy sort of understands. Sort of: Naked Man Playing Ping Pong Uses Penis As Paddle (Extremely NSFW)
There were plenty of hilarious news bloopers in 2015, but this year hasn't struggled to deliver plenty of bloopers as well, including the one below that involves what is supposed to be an innocent sand-sculpting-for-charity segment. But host Mike DiGiacomo from KMTV's "The Morning Blend" completely ruins it when he tries to sculpt something on his own.
Check out the hilarious video below thanks to KMTV:
Mike seemed to have something on his mind.
We're OK with these bloopers: Sexy News Bloopers Might Encourage You To Actually Watch The News
Ever traveled by air from Pensacola to Charlotte? While that may sound like the setup to a lame joke, it isn't. But it is the setup to a hilariously filthy joke. All you need is the flight itinerary in hand and you've got the punchline of a lifetime.
Seriously, though, you're all a bunch of perverts.
Related: Years Of Sexual Innuendo And Fart Jokes Have Made Steve Harvey's Life As 'Family Feud' Host A Living Hell
Relationships aren't easy, and if you want to be in a successful one you have to work on it day in and day out. That's why one 8th grader did everything in her power to ensure that her relationship goes smoothly. How did she do that? By writing out a relationship contract with terms and conditions and making her guy sign it.
Check out the document, below, thanks to Max Linksky:
I'm just concerned about all the English lectures she clearly missed out on while writing this note.
Kid has a point: Little Girl Gets Hilariously Honest Note From Crush
City of Brotherly Love, my ass.
Telemundo 62's Iris Delgado was wrapping up a live report outside City Hall in Philadelphia Wednesday night when an obviously insane woman jumped into the shot, tried asking her a question and then...wait for it...grabbed the back of her head and punched her in the face.
We're sure there are dozens of ways to describe what happened to Iris Delgado Wednesday night, but odds are none of them sum it up quite like "Ay, Dios mio!"
Members of Delgado's television crew said 37-year-old Waheedah Wilson punched Delgado three times and pulled her to the ground before they could push her away. They then followed Wilson for about a block before police arrived on the scene and arrested her. She was charged with simple assault and recklessly endangering another person and will now await a preliminary hearing after failing to post bail.
Here's to hoping the crew at "Tosh.0" sees this clip and offers up Delgado a Web Redemption where she and Wilson have the opportunity to switch roles.
Speaking of role reversal: Brazilian Reporter Punches Criminal In The Face After He Spits On Him
Here's something you probably won't see in the "Zootopia" sequel.
According to the Daily Mail, a Sydney student on a recent research trip in Australia's Northwest Territory walked past a farm and saw the damnedest thing. Yup, it was kangaroo having sex with a pig while a goose looked on in delight (CREDIT: RYAN FRAZER/CATERS NEWS).
Ryan Frazer said he and a colleague were looking at each other like, "Should we be standing here, watching, taking photos?" Thankfully, the answer was "hell yes," and they snapped a few pics for the greater good of humanity.
After roughly five or 10 minutes of action, Frazer said the pig turned around as if to "reciprocate" the good times, and that's when he and his pal decided they had seen enough.
Even crazier than a pig getting plowed from behind by a roo? You guessed it: The owner of the farm where the hump sesh went down is named Greg Dick, and he said he once tried to remove the pig, but he decided against it after the kangaroo damn near tore down the fence. The two have been in a relationship for almost a year, and according to Dick, "They're in love."
Yeah, no shit.
Asked by a local newspaper for the lovers' names, Dick said he calls the pig "Apples" while the kangaroo goes by "F**k It," although odds are that's not the name he was given at birth but rather one he earned later in life.
Dude, there are two rhinos are having sex behind you. Seriously: Photographer Totally Misses Chance To Capture Two Rhinos Humping
It's not as if Kate Upton isn't still raising eyebrows these days, it's just that we have a new blonde bombshell on our radar by the name of Antje Utgaard. You might know her from Twitter, Instagram and, yes, Snapchat as the title suggests. If you don't, take a look at the type of posts you are missing out on below.
Did we happen to mention?: Antje Utgaard Is The Next Kate Upton
A group of people in Georgia decided to take video of a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke that had transformed into a rocket thanks to the addition of Mentos, presumably to see for themselves if it was indeed as awesome as everybody said it would be.
We'll venture a guess that everybody in the group thought the end result was pretty badass except for one person. And we'll venture another guess that that one person was the woman who was filming the rocket up until the point that it slammed into her face.
The ol' Mentos and soda gag is slow-motion is spectacular: The Slo Mo Show: Mentos & Soda Explosion
For whatever reason, when girls are scared of spiders (and moths if the following video is to be taken at face value), they react rather erratically to their potential presence. But put that woman in skimpy lingerie and that "erratically" changes to "erotically" pretty darn quick. The following video from Kevin Freshwater is essentially everything I just said, considering it's a compilation of him tricking his busty lingerie wearing girlfriend into thinking she has spiders, moths and even the occasional wasp on or near her. Let the bouncing around begin!
Well, that was entertaining. Better watch it about 10 more times to be sure, though.
What goes around, comes around: Girl Gets Savage Revenge On Boyfriend After His Fake Proposal Prank
You gotta give this pooch kudos on his delivery, at least. Not since bad joke eel has somebody nailed the punchline with such enthusiasm. Let's see if it pays off.
Jeez, tough room.
We almost forgot about this guy: The Best Worst Jokes From Pun Husky
There are more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the United States per year. Because this is a sincere epidemic that deserves our full attention, here are 10 deadly encounters of note which happened to take place on the crapper.
Venomous Redback Spider Bites Aussie's Penis
In April of this year, a 21-year-old tradesman named Jordan popped a squat on a portable toilet. As he was wiping, he felt a piercing arachnid bite strike his nether regions. You see, in the same way that fish are attracted to worms, redback spiders are notoriously attracted to human penises. According to spider expert Julian White, "going back 80 years or so when people were still using outhouse toilets it was extremely common, something like up to 80 percent of cases of spider bites were bites on the male genitalia."
From the survivor himself: "I was sitting on the toilet and towards the end of me finishing I felt a really big sting. I seen the spider web going from one side to the other and just seen a redback crawling from the seat back down and instantly I knew." But this tale would have a happy ending: "The moment I looked at [my penis] it was a little bigger."
Note to self: Cup shaft and keep above seat.
Vacuum Toilet Sucks Out Senior Citizen's Intestines
In 1986, something happened to a 70-year-old Phoenix woman that we only thought existed in urban legends. She was on a Pegasus cruise ship that was docking near Vancouver when she pressed flush. The suction power, coupled with the spatial blockage of the woman's obesity, inhaled her small intestine.
Dr. J. Brendan Wynn -- who I'm sure just wanted a little peace and quiet on the cruise and not to repair an old lady's butt pipe -- was called, and he found her lying on her bunk "with several feet of small intestine trailing behind her." Dr. Wynn said it "defied belief," since to his knowledge it never happened before or since. But all's well that ends well because the woman was sent home from the hospital within 10 days.
Python Bites Thai Man's Member, Latches on for 30 Minutes
Attaporn Boonmakchuay, winner of Thailand's best name award, was a loser in the following instance. A 10-foot python had slithered through the plumbing in his home and bit what appeared to be a smaller snake. But it was no snake; it was Attaporn's penis. With blood spraying the walls and floor, Attaporn tried to pry the massive serpent from his member for 30 minutes. With the help of his wife, he was able to do it, but he passed out from blood loss directly after. Rescue officer Danupol Tapo said, "I had witnessed snakes come out of toilets many times, and when they bit it mostly would be at legs or butts. Not the penis, this is the first time."
Pythons are non-venomous, but their fangs can pierce through even the toughest mushroom heads. However, the 38-year-old victim is fine, and so is his penis.
Death Row Inmate Electrocutes Himself On Toilet
Convicted killer Lawrence Baker was sitting on the porcelain one day in 1987 listening to music on his homemade headphones. While watching TV, one of the wires from his headphones dropped into the aluminum, water-filled toilet. It sent volts of electric death straight to his brain. The 47-year-old Pennsylvania inmate avoided the electric chair, but got the electric john instead.
Nazi Submarine Toilet Malfunctions, Forces Nazis to Surface and Get Attacked by Allies
German navy submarine U-1206 was prowling the high seas of the Atlantic in search of British and American ships during World War II. Greenhorn Captain Karl Adolf Schlitt -- not sure why so many Germans were named Adolf in this era, but the name for some reason has lost popularity -- was taking a dump. The idiot then flushed the toilet wrong and opened a valve in the hull, causing the submarine to flood. The salt water, combined with the batteries of the motor, which was idiotically located right below the toilet, created deadly chlorine gas which swept through the sub. The 50-man crew had no choice but to ascend to the surface.
As they were only eight miles off the coast of Scotland, they were immediately attacked by Allied aircraft. One German crew member was shot and killed, three were drowned, and 10 were captured. The rest were saved by other German boats in the area. Coincidentally, this happened on April 14, 1945, less than a month before the war was over.
Kansas Woman Stuck on Toilet for Two Years
Her skin had grown around the toilet. Pam Babcock of Ness County had a strange love affair with one particular loo. For two full years she perched on it inside her boyfriend's home. Police, the media, the toilet -- all confused, even to this day.
In 2008, Kory McFarren called the cops and told them something was wrong with his girlfriend. It took him two years to make this phone call. Sheriff Bryan Whipple described the scene: "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body." Babcock's legs atrophied, as well. They used a crowbar to remove the toilet, leaving the seat attached to her bum, and took her to a Wichita hospital. In the end, McFarren was sentenced to six months probation for mistreatment. Six months later, he won $20,000 in the state lottery, the second time he won that year. Which is f--king bizarre, too, right?
African Boy Drowns in Dung Pit
It's like that scene in "Slumdog Millionaire," except infinitely sadder. In 2014, a Limpopo boy went to the latrine during recess. He never returned to class. A few hours later they found the six-year-old dead in a pit toilet. He had fallen in and drowned. There are no jokes to be made about this story.
King Edmund Ironside Assassinated Through the Butt
Historical accounts quibble, but they all indicate King Edmund died "attending to the calls of nature." In 21st century Americana-speak, that means he died taking a shit.
Here's how it went down: In 1016, Cnut of Denmark wanted to extend his empire to the British Isles. He needed to destabilize the region by assassinating King Edmund. So he sent one of his Vikings to infiltrate the king's chamber and hide in his latrine. When the king sat down to "attend to calls of nature," the Viking thrust his longsword straight into his anus, severing his innards. King Edmund Ironside is just one of many English kings to suffer the unfortunate fate of dying on the toilet.
Yet Another Snake Bite
Imagine, there you are inches from the bog taking a leak. Everything is right in the world. You hum Katy Perry and think about waterfalls. Then, a snake pops its scaly head out of the yellow waters and strikes your pecker. In July of 2013, that's what happened to a 30-year-old Israeli man in the village of Nofit. He ran from the bathroom in horror and rushed to the hospital, where they found no venom. He left with just bite marks on his penis and probably a new outlook on life.
The Most Infamous Toilet Death of All
On August 16, 1977, Elvis Presley was found on the floor of his Graceland mansion in a pool of his own vomit. He was feet away from the toilet. All accounts suggest he suffered a fatal cardiac arrhythmia. After an autopsy, they found 10 times the prescribed dose of codeine in his system, along with a cocktail of other drugs, including morphine, valium and quaaludes. The King died like a king -- high atop the porcelain throne in his castle.
Monday is the most horrible day of all days. I'm here to let you know it's going to be OK. We're all in this together. So instead of tackling the new week with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and inspiration, why don't you waste some more time avoiding the new week with today's funny photos. It's much easier. Trust me. (I'm going back to sleep now.)
Follow Mandatory on Instagram.
Follow Mandatory on Twitter.
Don't worry, you can always click here for more funny photos.