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Articles on this Page
- 06/14/16--06:54: _The Emotionally Ava...
- 06/14/16--07:13: _Red Hot Chili Peppe...
- 06/14/16--08:31: _2001 Was The Absolu...
- 06/14/16--09:54: _Target Staff Comes ...
- 06/14/16--10:06: _A Fight Broke Out A...
- 06/14/16--10:45: _Brave Surgeons Remo...
- 06/14/16--10:54: _Wrong Dude Gets Kno...
- 06/14/16--11:27: _Florida Drainage Sy...
- 06/14/16--12:28: _Everyone's Arguing ...
- 06/15/16--03:09: _10 Money Myths Debu...
- 06/15/16--02:19: _Miss June Josie Can...
- 06/15/16--04:32: _Today's Funny Photos
- 06/15/16--05:03: _This Dining Father ...
- 06/15/16--05:26: _20 People Explain T...
- 06/15/16--05:50: _Camping Must Nots: ...
- 06/15/16--06:23: _If You Pretend You ...
- 06/15/16--06:29: _Kylie Jenner Promot...
- 06/15/16--07:20: _11 Seemingly Innoce...
- 06/15/16--07:43: _Poor Girl Gets Pois...
- 06/15/16--08:13: _Kim Kardashian Pose...
- 06/14/16--06:54: The Emotionally Available Dad Meme
- 06/14/16--08:31: 2001 Was The Absolute Shittiest Year In The History Of Music
- 06/14/16--10:06: A Fight Broke Out At A Florida Bar After Somebody Farted
- 06/14/16--10:45: Brave Surgeons Remove Live Grenade From Soldier's Face
- 06/14/16--10:54: Wrong Dude Gets Knocked Out During Subway Fight
- 06/14/16--11:27: Florida Drainage System Clog Caused By 11-Foot Alligator
- 06/14/16--12:28: Everyone's Arguing About A Woman's Ass On Instagram
- 06/15/16--03:09: 10 Money Myths Debunked
- 06/15/16--04:32: Today's Funny Photos
- 06/15/16--05:03: This Dining Father Proves That The Best Dad Jokes Go Unnoticed
- 06/15/16--05:26: 20 People Explain Their First World Problems
- 06/15/16--05:50: Camping Must Nots: 10 Things To Avoid In The Great Outdoors
- 06/15/16--06:23: If You Pretend You Don't Like These Things, You're A Total Asshole
- 06/15/16--06:29: Kylie Jenner Promoted Her Lipstick By Showing Off Her Nipples
- 06/15/16--07:20: 11 Seemingly Innocent Songs That Are Actually Really Filthy
- 06/15/16--08:13: Kim Kardashian Poses Naked For Her First Ever GQ Cover (NSFW)
It's 2016 and being a father has dramatically changed since the old days. Gone are the tough love tactics of dads who came home, cracked open a beer in front of the TV and hardly communicated with their kids. In their place are a bunch of dads in touch with their sensitive side who want to connect with their children on every level. Allow us to introduce you to the emotionally available dad meme -- it's the meme where dad says what he feels. (And he feels a lot.)
James Corden continues to milk his highly popular segment Carpool Karaoke, and you can't blame him since every single one of them blows up and goes viral. And this most recent one is headed toward the same type of success.
While Corden has sung alone with everyone from Adele to Gwen Stefani and George Clooney, this time around he spent some time with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. From singing their most known hits to getting half naked, it's one weird car ride. Check out the video below:
Now I don't feel too bad about taking my shirt off in my car and singing by myself.
And check out this one, too: Chewbacca Mom Hangs Out With James Corden And J.J. Abrams And Loses Her Mind (Again)
Just take a look at some of this music industry shit that went down in 2001.
Two Of The Biggest, Shittiest Boy Bands Of All Time Performed Together On Stage
I'm talking about Backstreet Boys and NSYNC here. It was the only time the rival boy bands ever did this. It occurred in January at the American Music Awards, an early sign of the terrible, shitty things to come in 2001.
The Grammys Were A U2 Heavy Shitshow
The 43rd Annual Grammy Awards held on February 21, 2001, featured a live performance of "Beautiful Day" by U2, who would go on to win Record of the Year and Song of the Year for "Beautiful Day," as well. That is not a beautiful day at all. To compound the shittiness, Steely Dan beat out artists like Eminem, Beck, Radiohead and Paul Simon for Album of the Year, which makes a ton of fucking sense.
The Longest Reigning Hit Of The Year Was Janet Jackson's Shitty "All For You"
What the fuck is this song? I don't think I've heard it since 2001 if I've ever heard it at all. Either way, it broke several airplay records and was at the top of Billboard's Hot 100 list for seven non-consecutive weeks somehow.
The Most Notable Comeback Of The Year Was Huey Lewis And The News
The band released their first album of new songs in a decade. It was called Plan B. It was shitty. It did somewhat decently in Canada and Norway, though. Somewhat.
You Could Not Escape Creed And Coldplay
Although Creed rose to fame in the late '90s and Coldplay's first major studio album Parachutes came out in 2000, both of these bands' singles were ubiquitous throughout 2001. I worked as a cook in a bar that summer, and every other fucking song on the radio was either Creed's "Higher" or Coldplay's "Yellow." Oh sorry, "With Arms Wide Open" also got major airplay and "My Sacrifice" was released along with Creed's shitty third album Weathered. As a shit bonus, U2 released the single "Elevation" in June 2001. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to stick my head into the fryer that summer.
Napster Shut Down
Napster was fucking awesome. Even though internet speeds and the music of the times sucked, it was still an incredible service to use to get music without going to Best Buy and spending $20 on a CD that had two good songs on it. However, in July 2001, Napster was forced to shut down its entire network because of a bullshit lawsuit and never made a full recovery.
Here Are Some Other Shitty Bands And Musicians That Were Very Popular In 2001
You ready for this? Get a load of these pieces of shit:
Puddle of Mudd
3 Doors Down
There Were Sad Deaths And Tragic Events
Although 2016 has been a shit year when it comes to the deaths of legendary musicians, it's about the same as 2001. Among those lost were legends Joey Ramone and George Harrison to cancer, Aaliyah to a plane crash, and a concertgoer at a music festival during Limp Bizkit's set due to a crowd crush. And, above all else, the September 11 attacks occurred.
To Add Insult To Injury, Nickelback Released Silver Side Up On 9/11
Related: If You Like Any Of These Songs, You Are A Total Asshole
Man, there sure are a lot of old dudes getting angry at everything these days.
Jessie Maher, a mother from Canton, CT, was verbally bashed by some old creep while she was in a Target breastfeeding her baby on Monday. That's right. One day after the worst mass shooting ever in America, some bitter dude decides THIS is what makes him angry. After the dude scolds her with, "Can't you do that somewhere else?... That's fucking disgusting... You are nasty," Maher started filming him and the situation.
Thankfully, some customers and Target staff come to her aid. Check out the video below thanks to Maher's Facebook:
It still boggles my mind that people have a problem with this, and that they go out of their way to make fools of themselves like this guy did. He probably drove home while muttering things to himself, locked himself in his home and watched reruns of "Matlock" till he fell asleep in his own stew of ignorance and bitterness.
This Aussie doesn't care: Australian Mom Is Turning Heads With Her Casual Public Breastfeeding Photo
According to the Miami Herald, words were exchanged, punches were thrown and at least one shoulder was dislocated at a famous Key West bar last Monday, and it was all because an unnamed bar patron dropped ass.
Fifty-three-year-old Richard McBride and his 55-year-old girlfriend Sandra Stoner were allegedly enjoying some cocktails with friends at Sloppy Joe's Bar when Stoner began having words with a woman at another table. Things quickly escalated from there, as McBride rushed to his lover's aid after a man at the table tried pulling Stoner away from it. That man then punched McBride in the face, and McBride responded by tackling him.
When police arrived on the scene, they were shocked to learn the tussle was the result of some unwanted flatulence.
"The argument was due to someone farting," McBride told police.
Even more embarrassing than getting into a physical altercation over ass biscuits? You guessed it: McBride suffered a dislocated shoulder during the fracas and had to get treatment for it afterward. He declined to press charges, in part because nobody knew who in the hell the other couple was.
Plus, it was just a fart.
Oh, somebody makes a fart spray? That's terrific: Georgia Student Arrested For Clearing Out Athens Bar With Fart Spray
Let's all give a shout-out to a group of incredibly brave doctors who risked their own lives to save the life of a soldier. Private Leandro Luna had a live grenade stuck in his face when another soldier accidentally fired off a grenade launcher in his direction. You know that friendship is pretty much over.
The 20-year-old has Colombian surgeons at Bogota's Central Military Hospital to thank, as they removed the "cellphone-sized" M-40 grenade from his right cheek. This procedure has already been hailed as one of the scariest, yet most impressive, moments in medical history. They deserve all the kudos they get.
Check out some footage of the procedure in the video below, but heads up: It's very graphic.
After taking an eight-hour ambulance ride to the hospital with crushed cheek bones and missing teeth, and going through a miracle procedure, the grenade in his face never exploded. "It was a decisive five minutes where any small mistake would've been fatal," chief surgeon William Sanchez tells El Tiempo.
The procedure was performed in the parking lot of the hospital because of the risks involved. Surgeons used a pair of tweezers to remove the grenade and then passed it to the local bomb squad.
After all this, Luna is doing well, though he will require a series of reconstructive surgeries to repair the areas of his face damaged by the grenade.
Now these folks definitely deserve some employee of the month benefits.
Bet he's glad he still has his face: Watch This Soldier Drop A Fake Grenade In His Humvee As A Prank
Life is one big game of "Choose Your Own Adventure."
Take this subway fight, for example.
When two dipshits start swinging bags and belts at each other, you have four options as we see it. For starters, you could take the path that one person thankfully did and pull out your cellphone to record the scuffle, or you could do what I usually do and walk to the opposite end of the platform because there's no reason to leave this world on the account of these two ass clowns.
You could also attempt to bring the skirmish to an end by either calling 911 or standing between the two morons, or you could attempt to get a closer look at the action by standing behind the nearest column, knowing that by doing so, you're potentially putting yourself in harm's way.
Well, one dude recently chose that final option. Let's see how that worked out for him:
I'm telling you, guys. If he just walks to the other end of the platform, he's still awake and getting on the next train, and he's probably home in time for some late night Skinemax. Now he probably doesn't even know where home is.
Here's to hoping he chooses more wisely the next time around.
h/t Barstool Sports
Look how much fun the subway is these days: Here's A Rat Crawling Up A Sleeping Man On A New York City Train
It's official: There is no room left on our list of reasons to not live in Florida.
According to UPI, enough residents in a Fort Myers neighborhood recently complained of clogged drains and a foul stench coming from their drainage system, so a city official finally came out to investigate the reason behind it.
That reason? You guessed it: The corpse of an 11-foot alligator was damn near blocking the entire flow in one of the pipes. Check it out thanks to Roger Desjarlais' Facebook:
One city official said they usually get calls for gators about twice a year, but they are usually much smaller than this beast. Lee County DOT director Rancy Cerchie added that it was "an abnormally large gator," which is something residents can expect to read in this month's "no shit" report.
Florida: If it's not gators clogging your drain pipes, it's your neighbor humping his dog: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull In Front Of His Neighbors
There are obviously a lot of important things currently going on in the world, and a lot of issues that need to be addressed. But don't worry, because some people are taking time to solve one issue: Is a woman's ass on Instagram the real deal or not?
The hoopla started when fitness guru Kayla Itsnine shared a photo of a woman who has been using her popular Bikini Body Guides (or BBG) for a year now. Check out the photo Kayla shared on her Instagram of 29-year-old Canadian Liza Parker:
And in rolled in the opinions:
Criticism reached Liza, as she became aware of everything going on which prompted her to share a video of herself in order to quiet down the haters. Check out the video below thanks to her Instagram:
So here's me making a fool of myself in my kitchen! 😂 But I wanted to have some real talk with all of you and thought it would lighten the mood ✌ I woke up yesterday to @kayla_itsines featuring my BBG progress pic. I couldn't believe it! I was pretty jacked! Then the Internet trolling started🔸 It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I was accused of "getting surgery" to achieve my figure and that I had "photo shopped" my picture. Both completely FALSE. There was a lot more said. Some of which were absolutely hurtful & terrible🔸 I have seen these comments on other progress pictures Kayla has shared and I just don't understand it. As someone who is very open on social media I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinion and I've dealt with negative comments in the past. However I'm never okay with body shaming or trying to discredit the hard work someone has put in🔸On social media we usually share the best of the best. We find the best light, the best angle, and quite often the best filter and it may not accurately portray what that person looks like every day. I was feeling pretty good the day I took my booty progress pic 🍑 I put on my fav shorts, found some good light and posed in a way that I felt accentuated the gains I had made. I didn't think I would ever be attacked for it 🔸For me it has always been about the strength and confidence I have built in addition to the physical gains. I know I shouldn't let comments from people who don't know me get to me but I felt I needed to stand up for myself. This is ALL me. And I love this program. And it works! I love all of you for being so supportive always ❤ Stay classy fit fam! 😉
And here's another picture of Liza showing off her new backside:
Four rounds of BBG done! 👊 Went out and bought some fancy purple shorts to celebrate🎉 Have really learned to love and embrace my body as it continues to change (really not complaining about the booty gains either 🙊🍑) Will be starting another round of BBG 2.0 since I am still really loving this program from @kayla_itsines! Took a few much needed rest days this week to allow myself to reset. I like to do this after each 12 week round to refocus both mentally & physically. The goal for this round is to focus on building more upper body strength, increase my weights, and to make sure I get all my rehab sessions in 💪 Less than 4 weeks and I will be done 1 year of BBG! 🙌
In conclusion: Liza is happy with her new ass, even though the debate continues somewhere between girls at shopping malls (probably).
And then we have someone in better shape than you: Fitness Mom Who Is 8 Months Pregnant Still Has Ridiculous Abs
Carry A Balance To Build Your Credit Score
The credit industry is a massive scam -- you need to build debt to prove that you can borrow more, basically -- and one thing that confuses lots of people is what goes into a good credit score. Many people believe that carrying a balance on your credit cards -- that is, not paying them completely off every month -- is a net positive for your score. That's technically not true. You need to show a balance every statement, but you can pay it off completely and still get the score improvement. The only way you would miss that is if you logged into your credit card's online payment program and immediately paid off all purchases before a statement was issued, and who does that?
It's Better To Buy Than To Rent
Owning your own home is sort of the final boss for adulthood -- it signifies that you're finally in control of how you live. But for many people, it might not be financially wise to stop being a renter. While it's true that you build up equity as you pay off your mortgage, the counter to that is lost "opportunity cost." Being tied to one location makes you unable to move for a better job, for example. In addition, houses as investments aren't always the best choice -- house prices, outside of bubbles, have kept close pace with inflation for the last 100 years. It may be wiser to keep paying rent and put the extra money away in a higher-yielding instrument.
A Bank Is The Best Place For Your Money
From childhood, we're told that the absolute best thing to do with our money is take it to the bank and put it in a savings account to let it grow. But as an adult, there are plenty of better options. The interest rate on a typical savings account is typically barely able to keep up with inflation, and all you're doing when you deposit is extending the collateral that a bank can use to get loans for itself. Back in the olden days, the idea of getting a return on interest was more powerful, but today's financial market just doesn't support it from a bank. Why should you use your cash to pay for another company's operations when there are smarter alternatives?
Invest In What You Know
It's rare that we'll tell you not to heed the advice given by financial megalith Warren Buffett, but this is one place where most money managers disagree with him. The concept of "investing in what you know" makes sense on the surface -- it's easier to evaluate the potential of stocks when you're embedded in the industry that they trade in. That's why you see lots of doctors investing in medical and biotech companies, for instance. The only problem with that is you're opening yourself up to risk due to lack of diversity, as well as missing out on potential windfalls from new and upcoming businesses.
It's Always Cheaper To Do It Yourself
Let's face it: shelling out cash to pay a plumber, an electrician or any other tradesman always feels a little wrong. They're just dudes like you and me, right? Isn't it a better deal to do it yourself? Not always, surprisingly. When you hire a skilled tradesman, you're getting the years of training and experience that they've invested in. It's important to think about the value of your time as well -- sure, you'll have to pay them, but how many more hours of your time will it take to do the job? And if something goes wrong because you're not an expert, how many more will you need to fix it? DIY isn't a foolproof path to a fatter wallet.
Life Insurance Isn't Worth It
Back in the old days, it was almost a requirement to have a life insurance policy to provide for your family in case something happened to you. But in the modern era, life insurance has a bit of a bad rap, with many arguing that it's smarter to put that monthly premium into a higher-yield investment. While that may sometimes be the case, it is possible to use a "permanent" life insurance policy as an extra layer of protection. Because your estate is guaranteed to see a return on the investment, you don't have to worry about losing money, and many policies even let you borrow against them for large expenditures.
Precious Metals Are Safe Investments
If you listen to a lot of talk radio, you've probably heard this one. Put your money in gold and other precious metals, they say, because unlike corporations or bonds, they'll never lose value. So after a global financial crash, you'll be safe. Unfortunately, this investment strategy is flawed to the core. In the event of a financial crisis, we can look to history to see what happens, and it's most commonly people returning to the barter system, trading goods and services for other goods and services. Gold is essentially valueless except symbolically in that scenario, so if you're really worried about the end times, stockpile cans of soup and clean water.
Pay Off Your Mortgage Early
Home ownership is one way many Americans set aside equity for their financial future. Common wisdom holds that, if you can, it's better to power pay your mortgage off quickly to save money on interest and make the most out of your investment. However, that may not be the case for everybody. Chances are, your home interest rate is lower than the rate on other debts, so if you're carrying credit cards or other liabilities, it's smarter to pay them first. Additionally, investing in retirement accounts like IRAs or 401(k)s can give you a return that more than beats the interest you'd pay. Think ahead and put your money where it will do you the most good.
Always Pay Cash
One common piece of advice for people struggling with a budget is to make purchases with cash instead of cards. That gives you a clearer picture of the real money you're spending. But, like many money myths, it's not 100 percent true. Using cash for purchases has a number of downsides. If you misplace cash or get it stolen, there's virtually no chance of ever getting it back, while credit cards can be canceled with a single phone call. In addition, many credit card companies have aggressive bonus programs that, if used correctly, can lead to incredible deals on travel and other large purchases. Just make sure to pay it off every month and you'll be fine.
Save Whatever Is Left Over At The End Of The Month
When people set aside money for their retirement, a common practice is to bank whatever you didn't spend in a month. However, many financial experts warn that if you do that, you're not likely to maximize your nest egg. Instead, the best practice is to "pay yourself first" -- before you do anything else, set aside a chunk of your paycheck and save or invest it. It means you're going to have less discretionary spending (which can be a short-term bummer), but in the long run it'll have big results. The sooner you start putting cash away, the more comfortable your retirement will be. This can be a challenging mental hurdle for some people, but only 23 percent of Americans have enough padding in the bank to survive for just six months with no income.
Keep the busted myths coming: The 10 Biggest Car Myths Debunked
Josie Canseco is a "can do" babe. She can make worthlessly lounging around the house look sexy. She can wear one-piece, see through swimsuits indoors and have it seem normal. But best of all, Playboy's Miss June 2016 can walk around topless no matter how cold it may be, and nobody makes a single complaint. That's the magic of Josie, and we hope you appreciate her as much as we do. She's making a hell of a splash this year as one of the hottest SI Swim models.
With Father's Day coming up, it's important that you listen to your dad and respect his rules. So when he tells you that you have to fill up the boat if you're going to take it out, you damn well better do it and make him proud.
Follow Mandatory on Twitter and Instagram for more.
Here are yesterday's Funny Photos if you can't get enough.
Don't leave! We have so many more Funny Photos for you.
Father's Day is rapidly approaching, which means you should really start paying attention to dear old dad. This is especially the case when you notice him acting squirrelly (as Twitter user @biticonjustine did). Odds are he's up to no good. Or, you know, at least up to something if he's just sitting there staring at you. Sure, he could just be waiting for the right moment to get all emotionally available on you, but it's more likely that he's waiting for his incredibly cheesy joke to stick its landing.
I think your work here is done, pops. Now pay the bill and let's get out of here before you make some other prehistoric reference to embarrass us.
(h/t Tastefully Offensive)
Maybe just call for Father's Day next year: Play Bingo Using Phone Calls With Your Dad
Peanut Butter Ice Cream Woes
I'm 57. Let's see, we bought some chocolate/peanut butter ice cream the other day that I thought was going to be good, but it sucked. Now, for the first time in my life, I may have to throw ice cream in the garbage. Beyond that, I can't think of any problems in my life.
The best noodle bar in town is 20 minutes away and does not deliver. An inferior noodle bar is 10 minutes away and they do deliver.
I masturbate with Olay body lotion and now my penis looks half my age.
My knees hurt when I sit at my desk all day, earning what would be a fortune in many other countries with virtually no chance of being killed today. Also, sometimes my eyes get tired from looking at all the different screens that are built to entertain me.
Not Enough Sex
63, and my biggest problem is not getting enough sex. But that's been my problem since I was 16.
Well, That Escalated Quickly
I should be sleeping right now, so I will be tired tomorrow. Since I will be tired tomorrow, I won't do well at hockey. When I do bad at hockey, my coach won't play me. When my coach won't play me, I won't get a scholarship. If I don't get a scholarship, I won't get an education. If I don't get an education, I won't get a job. If I don't get a job, I will be homeless. If I am homeless, I will end up sucking dick for money. After I suck dick for money, I will get arrested for prostitution. After I get arrested, I will go to jail. When I am in jail, I will get stabbed. After I get stabbed, I will die.
I love eating Oreos for breakfast, but I end up eating too many and giving myself a stomach ache. Sometimes the pain is too much and I end up calling in sick to work, which forces me to use PTO. Now I'm stuck at home while getting paid $18 an hour and unable to find something to watch on several hundred cable channels.
When I take a dump, the poop is really hard. I started eating more fiber, now my poop is soft but I fart more during the day. Should I sacrifice the soft poops to stop fart? I DON'T KNOW REDDIT HELP ME!
My house stays so cool that the stone tile in my bathrooms are so cold when I get out of the shower, I had to buy rugs for it. Now I can't see the pretty tile.
I'm running out of room in the corner of my granite kitchen countertop to store new liquor bottles. I need to build a minibar in the corner of my kitchen because of it.
My big $2,000 couch is too soft and poofy to rest your drinks on. The carpet is too soft to rest drinks on without them falling over. I have to hold my drinks when sitting on my couch.
Since I broke my wrist I can't masturbate, so my girlfriend gives me hand jobs every other day, but without lotion.
My penis is too small and my wife's pussy is too big. It's like putting a hot dog into a big pussy. A smaller hot dog though.
Not being able to have your favored brand of bottled water.
My toaster, sometimes, will stop halfway through toasting. It hits me like a question of ethics while I wrestle with the idea of putting half-toasted bread-toast in a toaster. What do you expect? Am I going to try and spread butter on a food item that lacks the tensile strength to handle the force of a butter knife? It's like putting popcorn back in the microwave. It simply doesn't feel right.
I hate when you finish a cup of yogurt or pudding or something like that and you don't want to get up to put the spoon in the sink. So you just leave it sitting in the cup but the spoon is too tall for the cup and it falls over.
Sometimes I have to interact with actual humans at the college I attend on a scholarship paid by my state so I can charge my smartphone because I've left my charger in my heated, well-insulated, safe home in a decent neighborhood. It's awful.
I have three bottles of champagne in my fridge. I don't like champagne. I'll be moving soon and taking them with me will be a hassle. Three bottles of champagne...is a hassle.
I'm 50, and my butthole smells like clams.
Jelly About Jamaica
The other night I was at a wedding reception sitting with a table of guests I didn't know very well. One woman was asking another about her marriage, and the topic of honeymoons came up. Where did you guys go?" "Jamaica. It was nice, but we stayed too long. We stayed for ten whole days. It was brutal. There are only so many things to do down there! We got bored after the first few days."
Meanwhile I had to deplete my savings and go light on groceries in order to make it to this wedding. I wanted to reach across the table and smack her, or at the very least throw something at her. But I didn't. I helped myself to another slice of free cake."
"Unexpected item in the bagging area. Please wait for assistance." Pisses me off just typing this.
Sometimes I'm eating while watching TV and I can't hear the TV over the crunching.
I've got twins, bills, blue balls, I'm getting fat, I'm tired, my wife's a beast, I'm underwater in my house, my dog died, my truck broke down, my boss is stupid and has an ugly mustache.
Arriving After Sunset
It takes a bit of time to set up shop. You may not think so, given your ability to grocery shop and pack for a trip in an impressively short span of time, but camping is a whole other animal. Not only does it take preparedness and a cool head, but it's also a time-consuming yet fun hobby. Between finding your spot, hitting your mark, unloading supplies, assembling sleeping quarters, failing miserably, arguing with anyone in shouting distance, breaking a few key pieces out of spite, makeshifting a MacGyver-style tent and preparing a couple meals, you're going to need all the time you can get. And you don't want to do it in the dark.
Dressing Like A Hippie Gypsy
It pays to have a sense of summer style, but not really when it comes to camping. Walking barefoot and going all "Blue Lagoon" isn't going to pay off in the end. We're saying wear some socks for crying out loud. Ticks, mosquitoes and cold nights can get the best of you, not to mention blisters, if you go without socks while hiking. Even when you think you know Mother Nature's forecast, remember she gets PMS with the best of them. Be prepared for anything, but don't try to look cool when it comes to staying warm and protecting yourself.
Not Protecting Your Meat
We're referring to actual meat products here, anything that might seem attractive to, say, a ginormous grizzly bear. Store it out of reach a ways from your campsite; maybe set up markers in case it's hard to find. But don't put yourself in harm's way. Whenever you make assumptions about camping, that's when you're likely to make a mistake. To be a successful camper, you actually have to use common sense here and there.
Being A Slob
No one can see what a mess you're making, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't clean up after yourself. Minimize your camping footprint and be a model citizen no matter who's watching, and that should extend past camping. Basically, don't be an eco-a-hole. Clean up your garbage, tidy your space when you go and, for Heaven's sake, pick up your dog crap. Leave the place better than when you found it for the next people. This is how the camping world works, sport.
Being A Wimp
There's nothing less becoming of a man in the wilderness than when he acts like a total pansy. Especially in the case of bears, you're going to want to be a much bigger version of yourself than usual, but also when it comes to taking the initiative. You think Leo would have survived a bear attack if he had hesitated all day? (Not sure if that makes sense, but stay with me.) Get your act together and do some manly shit. Start a fire without looking it up on your phone, make some decisions for once in your life, then watch your fellow campers take notes while you roast some weenies.
Trusting The Sun
Camping, by definition, is almost the worst time to work on your tan. There's nothing worse than trying to get a good night's sleep in an already less cozy place than your bed than when you're covered in sunburn. Sunscreen and smart clothing are the way to go. Don't believe us? Try hiking or simply enjoying yourself when you look redder than your dad that one time he took off his shirt all day at the start of your family vacation.
Forgetting The Essentials
First aid kit, sizable cooler, clean drinking water, libations, flashlights (plural, with batteries); these are just a few of the must-have things to bring. Leave the cologne at home. What, are you trying to impress the animals? You're going to attract bugs. Speaking of which, you'll need insect repellent, a pot or pan for cooking, comfortable sleeping supplies, a can opener and, yes of course, a corkscrew. There's nothing worse than being sleepless with bug bites in the middle of a hot day with no wine.
Assuming You're An Expert
Chances are you're going to want to eat, and if you're camping long enough that you'll need a decent cooked meal, you'll want a fire. Despite what you've seen in the movies, it can be a bit tricky making one out of Mother Nature's short and curlies, so bring charcoal, preferably the kind with the lighter fluid attached (and a lighter). Your matches are only classy when there's not a heavy wind assaulting your camping game.
Packing Like A Girl Would For A Week Vacation
Not to be rude, but come on ladies, it's true: You're heavy packers. The space allotted in the car should be designated for supplies for sleeping, lounging, eating and staying safe, but also for having fun. You're not going to need umpteen pairs of shoes, a number of wardrobe choices or all your beauty supplies. You need a basic uniform whose goals are to protect, warm or allow for comfortable movements. There's nobody in heels climbing any large rocks. And don't bring the dog if you're not supposed to. Aside from taking up a lot of extra room, there might be a good reason dogs aren't welcome where you're going. If they are allowed, by all means, take them and have a good, safe time. Maybe leave the wife home instead.
Bring a compass, batteries, phone chargers, maps, and even walkie-talkies if you have them. There's nothing worse than being someplace you don't know without cell reception and no clues as to where to go while nightfall rolls quickly around. Learn how to use a compass, whether it's old school or new (your phone) school. Study the sun and understand your surroundings. Take a camping guide if you need to, but don't go it alone. But if you do fly solo, let people know where you're going. You can leave a trail of itineraries behind, maybe even a Reese's Pieces trail, but stick to the beaten path if you're new to camping. Oh, and read the damn signs. Only then will you sleep comfortably. Am I the only one who saw "127 Hours" here?
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Let's start with a band so universally adored, it will weed out the true a-holes toot sweet. Anyone who doesn't abide by The Dude is already a complete turd, but if you actually want to sit there and act like you can't stand CCR, the band you've never heard anyone say something negative about other than, "Hey, why isn't this song playing louder?" then get the f--k right outta town. Of course, if you're simply stating that Centerfield by John Fogerty is kinda lame, that we can understand.
Heath Ledger's Joker performance in "The Dark Knight"
Just admit it was good! No one is going to think more of you for saying, "Eh, just alright. meh..." In fact, people will find you less interesting for not thinking it was the greatest take on The Joker you'd ever seen on the big screen. OK, you don't have to take your praise that far, but somewhere in the middle. Then we got no beef with you.
Oh, so you're not a fan of fun? Cool. You must be a riot at parties. Oh, right, you don't know what parties are because you never get invited to them. You know, because YOU DON'T LIKE SWIMMING POOLS and all. For real, somebody push this guy in so we can dunk him until he admits pools are great.
The fact that not even an animated GIF can do them justice is a testament to how awesome fireworks are. And how much we detest you if you aren't impressed by their majesty. They're essentially a Michael Bay movie minus all the bad stuff. And if you think using Michael Bay as an argument for why something is good is a major flaw in the system, screw you! We don't freakin' care! We might even do it again later just to piss you off.
Honestly, haters of this show probably don't exist, but there are those out there who still haven't just sat down and watched it yet even though literally everyone they've ever met has told them it's a masterpiece. What the hell are you waiting for, idiots!?
You make me sick. And no, I'm not talking about pizza itself. Sure, it's made most of us violently ill at one point or another from eating too much of it, and it steadily increases your blood pressure the older you get, but we keep going back because it's just that goddamn delicious. And if you don't feel that way, well, then you're probably not going to agree with our next thing, either. That's two strikes against you, a-hole!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
To be fair, maybe you aren't the worst person in the world if you don't like the Ninja Turtles. After all, that means you had a terrible childhood or are super old. We wouldn't want to rip on anyone for that. But if you're between the ages of just born and 50 still living in your mom's basement, then you dig the TMNT. It's just what you do. Heck, if Michael Bay can't even ruin them, that's gotta say something, right?
He's done it all from "Wet Hot American Summer" to "Ant-Man" and then back to "Wet Hot American Summer," making us laugh all along the way. Plus, we can't say we've heard a single bad thing about the guy. While we're not suggesting he hasn't starred in a few stinkers along the way that you are absolutely allowed to revile ("I Love You, Man" is the worst piece of bromance garbage ever put on film), he makes up for all that with this recurring gag on "Conan" alone.
Biscuits and Gravy
Just look at that heaping pile of gravy goodness. We've never actually heard anyone say they don't like B & G, but those would be fighting words, indeed. They do vary from restaurant to restaurant, but like Paul Rudd and his track record with quality movies, "60 percent of the time, it works every time."
Obvious joke aside, this was such a bland, inoffensive show, how the hell could you go as far as to hate it? If you're just trying to sound clever, hate to break it to you, but "The Simpsons" already did that joke to perfection years ago.
Kylie Jenner sure knows what sells.
So how does one promote a lipstick? By showing off their nipples of course. Well, that's Kylie's marketing strategy (the same strategy that everyone else in her family also has). Kylie took it to her Instagram to promote her new Lip Kit color Majesty. But the lipstick is probably the last thing anyone notices because her nips steal the spotlight.
Check out the picture below:
Kylie also added this picture recently to her Instagram to remind everyone to get the lipstick:
And this is how she asks for your opinion: Kylie Jenner Wants Your Opinion On Her Lipstick (But We're Too Busy Looking At Her Lingerie)
It's these musicians that we're calling out in this article; a collection of musicians that include everybody from the legendary Beatles to today's biggest pop stars like Lady Gaga (and then some has-beens whose songs you've undoubtedly heard before). So if you want to know what some of your favorite (and not-so-favorite) songs actually mean beyond the surface, take a look at what we've uncovered below.
1. "All My Life" - The Foo Fighters
The 2002 hit appears to be about what most rock songs are about: frustration. However, as it was revealed to an inquisitive fan, the song is actually about something else many rock songs tend to be about: sex. In this instance, Dave Grohl's (the band's lead singer) affection for oral sex.
"I'm very fond of giving oral sex to women. It's a pleasure-giving experience," he said. "It's about giving someone something that they'll remember for the rest of their lives, and if you do it right, they will." Which seems a little self-serving, doesn't it? First of all, by attesting he "Does it right," without anyone to back him up, and secondly, the more poignant fact that telling an audience that you're a generous lover isn't something most people -- or at least most humble people -- do.
2. "Summer of '69" - Bryan Adams
In this classic anthem that every man over 40 gets down to at weddings, Adams muses about his first guitar and relationship in the heat of summer. According to his lyrics, these events occurred in 1969.
This is where things get blurry. "69" actually bore no significance to Adams and is instead a child-like reference to the oral sex position, not unlike many young women did with their hotmail accounts on MSN messenger. "A lot of people think it's about the year," he said, "but actually, it's more about making love in the summertime, using '69' as a sexual reference." So there you have it, folks.
3. "Peacock" - Katy Perry
As a kid, I remember being fond of the word "pistol" because it allowed me to say "piss" without my mom smacking me in the head. I bring this up because Katy Perry has a similar fascination with the word "peacock," except she's singing this thinly veiled smut to children. Millions of children.
In the song of the same name, Perry uses "peacock" to blatantly replace the word "c*ck" and then muses about how badly she wants to see one. She does this in a very obvious way, perhaps to appeal to her very elementary audience.
4. "Ticket To Ride" - The Beatles
Though this is common knowledge among more mature audiences, it's been heavily cited that The Beatles' song "Ticket To Ride" is about having sex with disease-free prostitutes. Charming, isn't it? The "ticket" in the song's title references doctor-issued cards that were historically given to sex workers in Germany as proof that they were disease-free. Who knew The Beatles had a taste for German prostitutes?
5. "Poker Face" - Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga admitted to the media that her song "Poker Face" had nothing to do with the card game, but was instead a less obvious ode to her bisexuality, calling out that sometimes, during sex with a man, she puts on a facade -- a poker face -- to conceal the fact that she really wants to be penetrated by a woman. Interesting.
6. "Who Let The Dogs Out?" - Baha Men
This song is actually deeper than most give it credit for. I'm not saying it's profound -- not in the slightest -- but I will say the song is about more than opening a gate and watching dogs flee. According to Anslem Douglas, the writer of the song, the piece of music was used to bash men who catcall women. Here's what he said: "The men started the name-calling and then the girls respond to the call. And then a woman shouts out, 'Who let the dogs out?' And we start calling men dogs. It was really a man-bashing song."
7. "Get Down" - B4-4
The one-hit boy band comprised of two twins and another similar looking dude revealed over a decade after the song was released that their suggestive tune "Get Down" was indeed about oral sex. "We said it was about the give and take in a relationship. Looking back at it, the song is about sex," B4-4 admitted to Vice. "The song is about oral sex, obviously, there was nothing to hide." Well, except for the fact that your audience was primarily children.
8. "Liquid Dreams" - O-Town
Looking at the title, I'm sure you can guess what the song's about. But as a child, I sure as hell had no clue. The members of the forgettable boy band O-Town -- winner of Diddy's "Making The Band" television show -- each sang lyrics describing the kind of woman each likes to masturbate to. A circle jerk of music, if you will. Evidently, these fellows like their ladies exotic, creating a female composite of Destiny's Child, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson and others.
9. "Peaches" - Presidents of the USA
Indeed, peaches have long been the fruit to represent a woman's lady-parts, and one-hit wonder Presidents of the USA ran with it. The song begins innocently enough, with the singer insisting he will "eat a lot of peaches" when he moves to the country. To throw us off, he even says "peaches come from a can." But there's no denying the comparison he makes to crushing a peach in his fist, likening the sensation to "poking a finger down inside" to "make a little room." This is where things get, shall I say, "juicy"?
10. "Pearl Necklace" - ZZ Top
Let's just say this isn't the kind of pearl necklace one buys in a jewelry store. This should have been evident in the fact that they use "pearl necklace" as a verb, not a noun.
11. "Milkshake" - Kelis
I always knew this song had some sexual meaning behind it, but I could never discern what it was. Something about warming up a milkshake didn't seem right to me. Thanks to Urban Dictionary, I've come to find that a "milkshake" is a euphemism for a handjob -- get it: "milk" and "shake"?
Do this: replace "milkshake" with "handjob" and suddenly the song starts making a lot more sense. Here's another incriminating line: "Damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you but I'd have to charge."
Damn nature strikes again.
Emily Petrozza was fishing with a friend in Connecticut when she first noticed a rash on her arm. It got worse, as she discovered "little red bumps" around her eyes just before going to bed, she tells Buzzfeed. And upon waking up she quickly discovered that poison ivy was the culprit.
This terrible circumstance wouldn't have been found out by many other people if it wasn't for the 21-year-old's younger sister, Lauren. Lauren decided to post pictures of her sister's post-poison ivy attack on her Twitter:
DONT GET POISON IVY ON YOUR EYES pic.twitter.com/yy9oOf2sHM— Laur (@lauren_petrozza) June 13, 2016
Here's a closer look at the fallout:
Lauren wasn't done there, as she also posted a video of her sister dealing with her bad luck, all while she laughs at her.
Don't worry, Emily is OK now, but her bond with her sister Lauren is broken forever (probably).
Sorry, mom: Scottish Girl's 'Allergic Reaction' Snapchat Prank Sends Mom Into Panic Mode
While Kylie Jenner is off promoting her lipstick by showcasing her nipples, Kim Kardashian is reminding everyone that she can pose naked, too. GQ allowed Kim K to grace their cover -- the first time she has ever posed for GQ.
Let's first take a look at the cover courtesy of GQ's Instagram:
And here's one of her holding her boob and trying to make art:
And GQ even added some to their Twitter. Here's Kim walking up some stairs naked like us normal folks do:
Our work here is done.
Hey! She's naked again: Kim Kardashian Shares Her Bare Buns On Instagram