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Articles on this Page
- 08/11/16--04:29: _Today's Funny Photos
- 08/11/16--04:43: _9 Innocent Photos T...
- 08/11/16--05:03: _The Funniest GIFs O...
- 08/11/16--05:45: _How The Presidentia...
- 08/11/16--06:50: _I See London, I See...
- 08/11/16--07:04: _Malia Obama Caught ...
- 08/11/16--07:50: _Just How Successful...
- 08/11/16--07:58: _This Is The Best Wa...
- 08/11/16--08:00: _Check Out The Avera...
- 08/11/16--11:17: _Olympic Gymnastic E...
- 08/11/16--11:25: _Guy Makes Most Accu...
- 08/12/16--04:04: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 08/12/16--04:41: _The 37 Greatest Lin...
- 08/12/16--04:47: _Today's Funny Photos
- 08/12/16--06:10: _12 Times People Att...
- 08/12/16--06:10: _15 Cars That Were T...
- 08/12/16--06:49: _Seth Rogen Pranks G...
- 08/12/16--06:52: _The Best Of The Koo...
- 08/12/16--07:20: _BootyFlipCup Is The...
- 08/12/16--07:24: _Donald Trump Holds ...
- 08/11/16--04:29: Today's Funny Photos
- 08/11/16--04:43: 9 Innocent Photos Turned Into Horribly Disgusting Sex Jokes
- 08/11/16--05:03: The Funniest GIFs Of The Week
- 08/11/16--05:45: How The Presidential Election Would Play Out As A WWE Storyline
- 08/11/16--07:50: Just How Successful Were These Shitty Bands?
- 08/11/16--07:58: This Is The Best Way To Write An Obituary
- 08/11/16--08:00: Check Out The Average Weights Around The World
- 08/11/16--11:25: Guy Makes Most Accurate Point Ever About Girl's New Back Tattoo
- 08/12/16--04:04: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 08/12/16--04:41: The 37 Greatest Lines In Comedy Film History
- 08/12/16--04:47: Today's Funny Photos
- 08/12/16--06:10: 15 Cars That Were Tricked Out In The Name Of Popular Snacks
- 08/12/16--06:49: Seth Rogen Pranks Grocery Store Customers Using Talking Food
- 08/12/16--06:52: The Best Of The Kookslams Instagram
- 08/12/16--07:20: BootyFlipCup Is The New Trend You Won't Have An Issue With At All
- 08/12/16--07:24: Donald Trump Holds Up White Sign, Internet Launches Assault
Did you guys know that if Michael Phelps was his own country, he would rank 39th overall in gold medals? That's right, ahead of entire countries like Argentina and Austria. Meanwhile, I have won the exact same amount of gold medals as Bolivia. I'll let you figure out how many that is. Here are the funnies!
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Also check out: Yesterday's Funny Photos
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All of the photos you are about to see below are totally innocent. Until you look at them with the accompanying captions -- at which point they become the most depraved sexual punch lines you can imagine. Enjoy, ya filthy pervert.
Call it the opening stare-emonies, if you will.
High diving and trampolines clearly don't mix.
Synchronized beer pong diving is closer than ever, though.
The bottle flip as an Olympic event? It is rather impressive, but we'll see.
Do they get points for distance?
Boat sports might take some tweaking. Maybe in 2024.
Not sure this is even a sport, but give that dog the gold anyhow.
When she wakes up, she's gonna be crushed.
Pretty sure Pokémon Go-related sports will have worn out their welcome by 2020.
Get back to semi-reality with last week's hilarious GIFs.
Donald Trump vs. Jeb Bush - No Disqualification Match
Although Jeb was thought to be a fan favorite going into the match, the fans were so uninterested that he had to ask them to clap when he entered the ring. Trump crawled from under the ring and immediately started hitting Jeb with a baseball bat. He constantly taunted Jeb and would scream in his face about how Jeb's brother's championship run was filled with terrible matches and bad ratings. Jeb tried his best to rally back, but Trump took advantage of the "No Disqualification" stipulation and ran over Jeb with a car. Some viewers were horrified, but many of the hard-core fans were excited to see blood in the ring. The "No DQ" style definitely suited Trump considering he had literally no in-ring experience and never applied a single hold the entire match. He just kept yelling the names of moves and people would cheer.
Ted Cruz vs. Ben Carson - "I Quit" Match
The match was entertaining, yet quite confusing. At times, Cruz would just stand in the corner while Carson beat himself up and shadowboxed with no one in particular. When Carson finally focused his attention on Cruz, he was able to apply a vicious sleeper hold. It seemed as though Cruz was about to say, "I quit," but instead yelled, "I'm the Zodiac Killer!" Carson started celebrating his victory by yelling, "He said 'I quit'! He said 'I quit'!" The ref only heard Carson yell "I quit," so he gave the victory to Cruz. Carson didn't really seem to understand what was going on anyway. After the match, he asked if this was a cartoon.
Chris Christie vs. Rand Paul - Leather Strap Match
This match had a lot of hype going into it but certainly didn't live up to the expectations. The way to win a leather strap match is by knocking down your opponent, then touching all four corners of the ring. Both wrestlers blew opportunities for big moves and Christie ended up pulling off the victory by creating a traffic jam so Paul couldn't advance to the next corner, thus giving him the easy win. This certainly angered fans and definitely cost him in the long run.
Carly Fiornia vs. Mike Huckabee vs. Marco Rubio - Triple Threat Match
In a match no one really wanted, Rubio pulled out a victory while most of the fans in attendance were taking a bathroom break or in line at the concession stand. At one point, Huckabee was in a figure-four leglock that he blamed on the devil and said he would have been able to break out if fans prayed harder. No one cheered except his manager Kim Davis.
Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders for the DNC Championship
The two squared off in a ferocious match. They both started out strong, then Hillary landed a Pant Suit Stunner and everyone thought it was over. Bernie kicked out and no one could believe it. He rallied back with technical holds and a ground-and-pound attack until he set her up for the Berning Star Press from the top rope. He landed it, but Hillary somehow kicked out. Bernie staggered up and Hillary immediately shoved him into the corner. He bumped the ref, who was immediately knocked out. Hillary grabbed Bernie's leg and put him in the Sharpshooter! Bernie wasn't tapping, but even if he had, there was no ref. That's when referee Debbie Wasserman came down and took over the match. Bernie reached for the ropes when Wasserman called for the bell! She said she saw him tap, but he claimed it never happened. The fans had a mixed reaction, but were truly excited to have their first woman DNC champ.
Chris Christie vs. Marco Rubio - Tables Match
Before the match even began, Rubio and Christie were standing in the ring, and Trump's music hit. He walked down to the ring sticking his middle fingers up at everyone and telling them to "suck it." Most booed, but some fans were into being verbally berated. He got in the ring and started talking about how this is going to be a garbage match that no one cares about. Christie and Rubio turned to the crowd and asked them what they thought, but in that moment of being distracted, Trump pulled out an actual knife and stabbed Rubio in the leg -- this might be a crime and not even a wrestling storyline anymore. Trump hit Christie in the back of the head with a barbed wire baseball bat, instantly knocking him out. The ref called the match, but Trump wasn't finished. He woke Christie up and started making him eat dog food out of a boot. A few of the commentators said he'd gone too far and needed to stop, so Trump jumped out of the ring and started breaking chairs over their heads. Again, he had yet to do a single wrestling move, but his fans didn't seem to mind. He left the ring as paramedics attended to Rubio and Christie.
Donald Trump vs. Ted Cruz - Hell in a Cell Match for the RNC Championship
Trump was greeted with a mixed reaction, while Cruz was taunted with chants of "ZO-DI-AC, ZO-DI-AC!" He pretended not to hear them, but he definitely did. The match started and Trump immediately tried to run over Cruz with a lawnmower. Cruz barely escaped having his legs cut off. You could see Trump getting a little rattled, but as soon as he started losing a little momentum, a masked man dropped from the ceiling into the ring and started helping him attack Cruz! The two of them beat him to a bloody pulp until Cruz finally gave up and Trump emerged from the cage victorious. The masked man removed his mask. IT'S CHRIS CHRISTIE!? Why would the man that Trump just made eat dog food out of a boot now join his side? The answer is irrelevant because Donald Trump was the new RNC champion.
Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton - Face Off
In a very heated and highly publicized match, the two faced off in front of a huge crowd. Hillary kept going after Trump's lack of wrestling abilities, while Trump would just wildly throw haymakers at her. Even if they didn't land, his fans would cheer. He claimed they were tired of wrestlers and wanted someone raw and unpredictable. He even claimed that Bernie Sanders would join his new world order and called Bernie down to the ring. Bernie stepped into the ring and Trump talked about how he should have won his match against Hillary and how, if he weren't a coward, he would join their group. Bernie looked at Hillary, then turned to Trump and took the shirt from his hands. The crowd was shocked! Was he really going to join Trump and Christie's new world order? Trump gloated, but then Bernie kicked him in the stomach and hit him with the Pant Suit Stunner! Hillary landed one on Christie and they cleared the ring to a massive applause. The celebration was short-lived when MIKE PENCE came out of the crowd and hit Bernie and Hillary with a chair! MIKE PENCE was the third man! The group began to brawl when the lights went down and a familiar song hit. The crowd completely lost it. It was THE OBAMAS! Barack and Michelle are here! They came down to the ring and cleaned house. At one point, Trump's wife tried to do the same moves as Michelle, but failed miserably. Trump, Christie and Pence fled, but swore everyone was playing right into their hands and they'd now be stronger than ever to finish the job and win the title. Hillary tweeted a GIF about how she wasn't intimidated by Trump. Who's going to unify the titles and become the United States Champion? We'll find out in November!
Man, Orlando Bloom sure has had a lot of luck. Not only did he get paid to bring his garbage acting skills near Johnny Depp for a couple of pirate films, but now he's enjoying a vacation in France with Katy Perry. And boy, Katy is showing everyone what a vacation with her looks like.
Perry took it to her Instagram to show off a little peek of what she and Bloom have been doing in France, and it seems like it involves a lot of biking. That and a lot of Bloom biking behind her for obvious reasons. Check out what I mean below thanks to Perry's Instagram:
Man, being a whiny actor sure does have its benefits.
And now let's focus on her boobs: Katy Perry Has Awesome Boobs: A Retrospective
Man, Malia Obama is going out with a bang.
Just a bit after the president's daughter was caught twerking at Lollapalooza, she was also caught smoking weed at the music festival, and people can't believe that an 18-year-old would do such a thing. Take a look at the video that is making everyone go bonkers:
People took it to Twitter with the most hilarious reactions to Malia smoking some of that green (coolest thing I've said in years).
It would be suspicious if Malia was able to gett through Lollapalooza without getting high.— Myka Fox (@MykaFox) August 10, 2016
I can't believe Malia Obama is the first human female teenager in history to experiment with marijuana— move your feet katie (@katefeetie) August 10, 2016
Try to find a picture of me at Malia Obama's age NOT high.— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) August 10, 2016
If you NARC on Malia Obama you don't deserve to have friends.— Tim Duffy. (@TimDuffy) August 10, 2016
Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) August 10, 2016
Malia Obama was filmed smoked weed, but in her defense, she looked much dorkier doing it than her dad did. pic.twitter.com/uU3EMfbW2w— Jaime Lutz (@jaime_lutz) August 10, 2016
Barack Obama: I just wonder where Malia got that pot from?— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 10, 2016
*Joe Biden slides stash under bed with foot*
Malia smoked pot? Is this what the institution of Lollapalooza has fallen to?— Jeff Grips (@erasmuslijn) August 10, 2016
Malia Obama smoked pot. How typical of that type. You know, kids who grew up w/ access to the Surgeon General & correct health information.— Johnny (((Mc)))Nulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) August 10, 2016
Malia Obama is getting her ENTIRE life and I ain't mad. pic.twitter.com/wOy3YZRdAe— Raquel Willis (@RaquelWillis_) August 10, 2016
Now read up: 25 Fun Facts About Marijuana
This sentiment couldn't be truer for the following bands who were once incredibly successful (due to a hit track, album), but have fallen off the charts and have become a punch line over time. But just because they're relatively unknown now doesn't mean they didn't earn a lofty living while in the spotlight. To find out just how successful these bands were, I've provided album sales for each album released by 10 former frolicking bands and musicians.
To find out these numbers, I -- a writer who choses to be a writer because he sucks at math -- did some math. According to Fusion, artists only collect roughly five percent of each album sold, as most of the money goes to distributors, the label and so on. So, after summing up all of the records sold (statistics which were very hard to find), I've found out -- roughly -- the profits each artist collected on these sales.
The totals provided are the sums of money earned from record sales in the U.S. alone. So realistically, this number could be doubled when looked at worldwide, in addition to the fact that these bands have toured, sold merch and so on. In other words: every one of the artists below were filthy rich at some point.
1. Spin Doctors
"Pocket Full of Kryptonite" (1991): 5,000,000
"Turn It Upside Down" (1994): 1,000,000
"You've Got to Believe in Something" (1996): 75,000
"Here Comes the Bride" (1999): NA
"Nice Talking to Me" (2005): NA
"If the River Was Whiskey" (2013) NA
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $3,037,500.00
2. Limp Bizkit
"Three Dollar Bill, Y'all$" (1997): 2,000,000
"Significant Other" (1999): 7,000,000
"Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavored Water" (2000): 8,000,000
"Results May Vary" (2003): 1,500,000
"The Unquestionable Truth" (2005): 400,000
"Gold Cobra" (2011): 250,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $10,375,000.00
"My Own Prison" (1997): 6,500,000
"Human Clay" (1999): 11,690,000
"Weathered" (2001): 6,400,000
"Full Circle" (2009): 444,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $25,034,000.00
"Silver Side Up" (2001): 5,528,000
"The Long Road" (2003): 3,591,000
"All The Right Reasons" (2005): 7,910,000
"Dark Horse" (2008): 3,000,000
"Here and Now" (2011): 2,000,000 (this is worldwide)
"No Fixed Address" (2014) 58,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $11,043,500.00
5. Pussycat Dolls
"PCD" (2005): 2,900,000
"Doll Domination" (2008): 400,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $1,650,000
6. Jonas Brothers
"It's About Time" (2006): 123,000
"Jonas Brothers" (2007): 2,409,000
"A Little Bit Longer" (2008): 2,082,000
"Lines, Vines and Trying Times" (2009): 757,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $2,685,500.00
7. Linkin Park
"Hybrid Theory" (2000): 11,048,000
"Meteora" (2003): 6,100,000
"Minutes to Midnight" (2007): 3,300,000
"A Thousand Suns" (2010): 906,000
"Living Things" (2012): 681,000
"The Hunting Party" (2014): 300,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $11,167,500.00
"Daughtry" (2006): 5,040,000
"Leave This Town" (2009): 1,357,000
"Break the Spell" (2011): 513,000
"Baptized" (2013) 270,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $3,590,000.00
9. 3 Doors Down
"The Better Life" (2000): 5,653,000
"Away from the Sun" (2002): 3,863,000
"Seventeen Days" (2005): 1,434,000
"3 Doors Down" (2008): 820,000
"Time of My Life" (2011): 225,000
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $5,997,500.00
10. Ace of Base
"Happy Nation" (1992): 21,000,000 (worldwide)
"The Sign" (1993): NA (worldwide)
"The Bridge" (1995): 5,000,000 (worldwide)
"Flowers" (1998): 2,000,000 (worldwide)
"Cruel Summer" (1998): NA
"Da Capo" (2002): 500,000 (worldwide)
"The Golden Ratio" (2010): NA
Total collected in record sales (roughly): $14,250,000.00
After leaving my loved ones behind, my biggest concern is what they will say about me in my obituary. I want them to say something that will be memorable, a touching tribute. Or just something that will go viral for tons of people to read on the internet, just like we are reading William Ziegler's perfect obituary.
Ziegler passed away just a few weeks ago, but his friends and family made sure to let everyone know just what a life he lived. Check out his obituary below thanks to Reddit:
Cheers to you, Ziegler.
More where that came from: The Funniest Obituaries Ever Written
Now check out how your state fares: This Map Of The Fattest States Is Something They Didn't Show You In Geography Class
You could probably say it about a number of sports -- or just about anything still around from the '50s for that matter -- but Olympic gymnastic events are much more riveting now than they were back in the day. And by back in the day, I mean before most of us were even born. Thanks to MTV News' Facebook page, you have all the proof you need. The following video captures the essence of both time periods' best athletes, and it's clear that they've stepped up their game quite a bit in the interim.
Seriously, as soon as time travel is invented, I'm going straight to the 1952 Games in Finland and becoming the best floor exerciser the world has ever seen. And I won't do a lick of practice beforehand.
Related: The Rio Olympics Are Killing It On The Unnecessary Censorship Front Without Even Trying
Almost everyone has tattoos nowadays it seems, some more terrible than others, but sometimes you will come across a tattoo that really makes you think -- one that just blows your mind. The girl below decided to share a picture of her new back tattoo, and one guy knew exactly what to say.
So deep. Up to you if that pun was intended or not.
You can always cover it up: These 17 Cover-Up Tattoos Are Just Plain Awful
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
BOSS: This is hard to say...we need to make cutbacks— batkaren (@batkaren) July 29, 2016
ME: What's so hard? "We need to make cutbacks" See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me— gregory erskine (@cat_beltane) August 19, 2015
Dave: ya dont worry
Steve: which pic did u use
Mark: dont worry about it pic.twitter.com/JRiB79dxbh
through tears, i take a step towards my only son's grave. i muster the only words i can. "this is some shit straight out of game of thrones"— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 2, 2016
Imagine a casino where you can stare at women close-up as long as you want and they won't even call the police pic.twitter.com/RUcDtQ2t7i— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) June 2, 2015
No song gets to the point like "Everybody Dance Now." A lady screams "Everybody dance now" at you right at the beginning.— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) June 23, 2016
[At a bar]— Yael (@elle91) October 12, 2015
Guy: Did it hurt?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
just went to the cincinatti zoo and I wasn't aware that the 3 year old kid is still in the enclosure. He lives there. Was his plan all along— slick (@dlicj) August 1, 2016
I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure spring, fall asleep, and maintain an erection.— (((guterman))) (@danguterman) July 3, 2012
Adding Eric Trump to Twilight photos is the only thing that soothes me pic.twitter.com/6mlA18buxp— elan gale (@theyearofelan) August 2, 2016
This my fife song— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) August 2, 2016
My woodwind pipe song
2016 is working out for everyone pic.twitter.com/jzfxrtpNSx— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) March 24, 2016
how twitter works is once a day someone who makes more money than you says something really stupid & then you spend the entire day being mad— Sam Kriss (@sam_kriss) July 29, 2016
Like all activities, rapping can be hard on the teeth. I get it. I'm 50 Cent & I'm here to talk to you about dentures pic.twitter.com/p9b1vYH2Ld— lisa goodwin (@LisaGoodwin1) August 14, 2015
I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is liking my Instagram photos— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 12, 2016
I'm only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status "I like dicks" and I was too polite to correct them.— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) June 9, 2016
i asked a 14 year old why she only uses snapchat to text her friends and this is what she said pic.twitter.com/loROSDrxGe— eve peyser (@evepeyser) July 27, 2016
Make a chill wish pic.twitter.com/nNSU1shNUz— Eli Olsberg (@EliOlsberg) August 3, 2016
Thank you for correcting me on the sex of your dog.— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 17, 2016
Can't argue with facts pic.twitter.com/xrBXnQcGyl— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 14, 2016
*Dinner with 5 people from history*— Spencer Porter (@porters) April 23, 2014
FDR: "Wait, do we die again when this is over?"
Grandfather: "I don't want to die."
Jesus: "HELP US!"
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
Caution: Some NSFW language.
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
- "Animal House" (1978)
"Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond."
- "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (1986)
"I crap bigger than you."
- "City Slickers" (1991)
"I once thought I had mono for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored."
- "Wayne's World" (1992)
"You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."
- "Tropic Thunder" (2008)
- "The Big Lebowski" (1998)
"You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you, change your fucking tampon and have another drink, you crazy fucking bitch! And you, 'Waaa, I don't know what to be when I grow up.' Join the fucking army or something, goddamn. And you. Fuck you Monty! Always gotta be right with your little quips! We get it man, you're fucking edgy and cool. Yeah. You're the coolest fucking guy at Shenanigans! Woo! That's like being the smartest kid with Down Syndrome."
- "Waiting..." (2005)
"Hey, if you would take a second, and take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, OK? If you can get it from my kung fu grip then you can come and have it, OK? Otherwise, step off, bitch."
- "Meet the Parents" (2000)
"Mr. Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
- "Billy Madison" (1995)
"If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
- "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" (1989)
"Shitter was full!"
- "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" (1989)
"He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fat, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking."
- "Liar Liar" (1997)
"Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?"
- "Tommy Boy" (1995)
"Anyone who brings candy to this camp is not your friend. He is a destroyer."
- "Heavy Weights" (1995)
"Oh, stewardess! I speak jive ... He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him."
"All right. Would you tell him just to relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?"
"Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side. ... Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help! ... Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow. Shit."
- "Airplane!" (1980)
"Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."
- "Dumb & Dumber" (1994)
"Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? Alright. Welp, see ya later!"
- "Dumb & Dumber" (1994)
"How do you write women so well?"
"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."
- "As Good As It Gets" (1997)
"Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction, man. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?"
- "Half Baked" (1998)
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything. So pussies may get made at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
- "Team America: World Police" (2004)
"You're an inanimate fucking object!"
- "In Bruges" (2008)
"I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into nine guys you fucked!"
- "Boondock Saints" (1999)
"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"
- "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" (2004)
"You're killing me, Smalls!"
- "The Sandlot" (1993)
"What's a Nubian?"
- "Chasing Amy" (1997)
"I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
- "High Fidelity" (2000)
"True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom, blindfolded, like a goddamn magic show ready to double-team your girlfriend and--"
"And it stops right there, and it continues right here, because what I think my friend Mitch is trying to say is that true love is blind."
- "Old School" (2003)
"Hey, where the white women at?"
- "Blazing Saddles" (1974)
"Here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it."
- "Dodgeball" (2004)
"When I buy my wife, at the start she was, uh, cook good, her vazhïn work well, and she strong on plow. But after three years when she was 15, then she become weak, her voice become deep: BORAT BORAT. She receive hair on chest, and her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard."
- "Borat" (2006)
"You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear."
- "Office Space" (1999)
"PC load letter? What the f--k does that mean?"
- "Office Space" (1999)
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds--pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it."
- "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" (1997)
"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."
- "Clerks" (1994)
"Good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous."
- "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" (1994)
"Now I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight."
- "Orgazmo" (1997)
"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You're hypocrites, all of you!"
- "Groundhog Day" (1993)
Do you see what I see? Yep, that's right: a bunch of funny photos to fix your day and put a smile on your face. Not enough for ya? How about you follow us on Twitter and Instagram.
Click now for more funny photos.
Click now for more funny photos.
I get it -- opening a champagne bottle can turn into a horror movie if you aren't lucky, as someone's eye is usually at risk. And since so many champagne bottles are opened daily for a party, a wedding or just to celebrate the fact that you've survived another day in your life, chances are that accidents are going to happen.
Check out 12 times that folks felt the wrath of a botched champagne bottle opening.
Looks like he left his bride unsatisfied.
Bro, wait a few years into the marriage before you start thinking of eliminating your wife.
When everything in your life is too perfect and something has to give.
Getting her wet was his plan all along, right?
Champagne will come in handy in case he finds out he can still have children after that.
Knocking out your lady sure is something those party guests won't ever forget.
He was asking for it when he decided to wear socks and sandals.
Buy a bottle of champagne and take home a broken nose for no extra charge.
Man, he thought he was in the safe zone. He was wrong.
When adulthood hits you.
As if he didn't look uncool enough.
Is that Miley Cyrus? And is that karma for the music she's made us listen to?
No champagne needed for this: 10 Cringeworthy Pregnancy Announcement Fails That Will Make You Fear For The Future
I'm not super into cars, but I am super into snacks, and any car that wants to promote food in any way is fine with me. That's why the cars that were pimped out below in honor of snacks are something we can all get behind of. Hell, even Xzibit and his fake show would be a big fan of this.
Then there's this doozy 10 Cars Driven By The Biggest Movie Assholes
As if foulmouthed food wasn't enough of a reason to go see a movie, Seth Rogen decided to play a prank on the people of New York by voicing food and surprising the hell out of customers at a grocery store. Take a look at the hilarious prank below all in the name of promoting Rogen's new movie "Sausage Party."
Leave it to Rogen to make me feel bad for eating numerous loafs of bread.
May want to give these a shot: 12 Gloriously Cruel Pranks That You'll Want To Try Yourself
For those who don't know, "kook" is slang for a person who really wants to be a successful surfer, skimmer, wakeboarder or something of the like. So, a "kookslam" is when one of these people fails miserably. The Kookslams Instagram is devoted to these epic fails, and often adds music to them. It's nonstop entertainment. Check out some of our favorites below.
While the majority of us are engrossed in the Olympic games, there is another event that we should be paying attention to: BootyFlipCup. This pretty much involves women putting a plastic cup on their back and attempting to flip it so that it lands on their ass. You know, important things that drunk college girls come up with.
Take a look at the GIFs below to see this in action.
Now these are women you want to marry.
Via The Chive
Might as well check this out: The 20 Best Booty Accounts To Follow Instagram
Everything Donald Trump has said or done the past few months has been pretty much hilariously mocked, and that's really because he makes it so easy. And this is no different.
The controversial and idiotic figure was speaking to the National Association of Home Builders when he pulled out a blank white sign. Check out the original picture below:
Go to town, folks. pic.twitter.com/iy3gcLixAS— Rob Flaherty (@Rob_Flaherty) August 11, 2016
And wouldn't you know it, the internet got to work. Check out the most hilarious things that people put on that blank sign.
The internet never sleeps: That Hug Obama Gave Hillary Clinton Got Photoshopped In The Name Of America