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    My buddy proposed to my sister by pretending he had a flat tire and asking her for help. Another one of my pals recently proposed to his girlfriend while they were meeting the cast of "Hamilton" backstage. Hell, even I went the cute route by putting an engagement on my girlfriend's purse dog's collar so she would see it when she picked him up for a pet sesh.

    Well, to say they do things differently in Romania would be a bigger understatement than saying Kim Kardashian enjoys taking selfies, as one man recently proposed to his girlfriend by...wait for it...having three of his buddies dress up as police officers and execute a fake ambush.

    Let's see how that turned out:


    Damn, son.

    There were two things that surprised us the most after watching that savagery. For starters, she still said "yes" after that. Who knows, maybe she was still scared shitless and wasn't in the mood to see what would have happened if she would have declined his proposal?

    And speaking of shitless, we were also shocked that she was able to maintain a clean pair of shorts through that ordeal. What control!

    h/t Mirror

    Two can play this game, dick: Girl Gets Savage Revenge On Boyfriend After His Fake Proposal Prank

     

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    It was a truly historical and magical moment at the Rio 2016 Olympics Games last night, as legendary American swimmer Michael Phelps won his 22nd gold medal by defeating the competition in the 200-meter individual medley.

    As I watched the race unfold live at the Visa VIP Lounge with four Olympians and roughly 250 of Chicago's finest, we were going crazy as Phelps was in charge or close to it for the majority of the race, and as he began to pull away down the stretch, the entire place erupted in unison with a "USA! USA! USA!" chant.

    However, Phelps fans watching in Canada probably weren't as jubilant about the finish as their American counterparts thanks to CBC broadcaster Elliotte Friedman totally blowing the call, as he thought Ryan Lochte was Phelps and Phelps was Lochte.

    Here's how it played out north of the border:


    All right. Let's take it from the top. Take two, everyone. Oh wait. That was live? Damn.

    Hey, at that point, there's nothing you can do but totally own up to the fact that you dicked up and apologize, and to his credit, that's exactly what Friedman did on air and on Twitter:


    h/t Yahoo! Sports

    No mistakes from this reporter despite six gallons of liquid boogers spewing from her nostrils: Reporter Delivers Story Flawlessly Despite Stream Of Snot Pouring Into Her Mouth

     

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    When you're 6'5" tall and built like a brick shithouse like Deebo in "Friday," it doesn't take much more than just walking up to somebody and telling them that their bike is now yours. But when you're just an average-sized bike thief or barely bigger than the bike that you covet, then you have to think outside the box.

    Case in point, surveillance footage from Changsha, China, showed a man go the extra mile Monday afternoon when he literally chopped down a tree in an effort to go home with the bike that somebody had locked around it.

    And it appears as though the effort really paid off, as the dude wound up with the bike while some other poor bastard/former bike owner will probably have to walk to work for the rest of the year.


    h/t BroBible

    This is what happens when you try ganking a bike from the gang at Twinz TV: Bike Thieves Get The Hell Shocked Out Of Them In Instant Karma Prank

     

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    It all started back in December of last year with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Since then, BBC Radio 1 has been crushing the "Playground Insults" game for our viewing pleasure. Or rather, the celebrities involved have. The latest battle of wits would have been no exception if not for Will Smith, who clearly wasn't prepared to tangle with the lovely and talented Margot Robbie. Watch her make verbally beating up on her "Suicide Squad" co-star look like a walk in the park, even after his pathetic attempts to insult her mama.


    They can say Smith is just too nice a guy all they like, but he just got his ass handed to him regardless.

    Let's not forget this classic showdown: Seth Rogen And Chloë Grace Moretz Go Toe-To-Toe In Another Round Of 'Playground Insults'

     

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    Voice actor Billy West is one of the greatest of our time. After all, such classic TV characters as Doug Funnie, Ren and Stimpy and even the Red M&M would be nothing without him. However, West is probably best known for his work on "Futurama," where he voices a number of the main characters including Fry, Dr. Zoidberg and everyone's favorite boorish loudmouth, Zapp Brannigan. So what does any of that have to do with presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump? Well, we said "boorish loudmouth," didn't we? Earlier this week, West began tweeting Trump quotes using his Brannigan voice and tagging them #MakeAmericaBrannigan. Needless to say, it's pretty seamless.


    Again, just to be crystal clear, those were all actual Trump quotes. We can't stress that enough.

    Related: 'Sassy Trump' Videos Are About The Only Way To Make Listening To His Nonsense Tolerable

     

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    Hey, if it doesn't work out for this artist with the police department, it looks as though he or she should have no problem finding work at Coney Island or Six Flags Magic Mountain.

    According to WFMZ, some dude wielding a knife robbed a Valero gas station in Cumru Township, Pennsylvania, last week, but the real story is the police sketch of the suspect that was released in hopes of bringing the guy to justice.

    I mean, look at this thing:

    worst police sketch of 2016
    Maybe it's just us, but it certainly appears as though Berks County police are looking for the result of a backseat plow session Sebastian Bach had with a Muppet after a show in Albuquerque in '87.

    The police sketch artist's rendering comes from eye witness accounts and this surveillance footage:

    worst police sketch of 2016
    So yeah, when the police are done looking for this guy, they might want to think about testing each witness and the sketch artist for shrooms.

    Here are a few more police departments that probably have new sketch artists today: 15 Comically Bad Police Sketches

     

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    It looks as though we have found our winner for the "You know, that's actually a rather genius idea" award. We're just not sure he'll be able to make the award ceremony.

    According to AL.com, a beer delivery man has been working hard recently to make sure product is leaving the shelves of stores in the Prattville area. The problem for those stores, though, is that the man is 22-year-old beer enthusiast Darrius Williams and not a real beer delivery driver.


    Genius.

    Perhaps even better than the idea itself is how surveillance footage shows Williams turning around almost as if he can't believe that his idea just worked, and he's now walking out to his car with 20 free cases of beer.

    By the looks of things, Williams prefers Budweiser and Bud Light, which we totally understand. For starters, buying or gaining access to a collared Bud Light shirt these days is pretty damn easy. And second, those beers are pretty damn delicious.

    And your grand prize winner at the "Irony Awards" is: Georgia Man With Last Name 'Miller' Steals Beer Truck, Gets Run Over By Beer Truck

     

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    Fans of the movie "Tropic Thunder" who have been wondering what Simple Jack and his pals have been up to lately can wonder no more, as it looks as though they are taking videos of themselves dancing in close proximity to massive bonfires.

    I mean, why not? By the looks of things, fire m-m-m-makes them happy. Let's see how that's working out for them:

    just Having some fun right next to a huge fire

    For starters, you have to keep your eyes on Simple Jack at all times, so stationing him that close to the fire and behind everybody else in the dance party was their first mistake.

    However, we'd be real dicks if we didn't mention how much of a hero Jack's buddy is for getting him out of the fire that quickly. I mean, if that guy takes even just a few seconds to weigh out his options, Simple Jack is no more.

    h/t Reddit

    This is why they don't sell fire at Toys "R" Us: These People Played With Fire And Got Burned

     

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  • 08/15/16--04:44: Today's Funny Photos
  • You are here, which means you want funny photos, which means you aren't even reading these words, which means I should be off drinking a beer somewhere instead of typing out an intro to today's funny photos. See ya at the bar.

    funny photos

    funny photos

    funny photos

    funny photos

    funny photos

    funny photos

    funny photos
    Follow Mandatory on Twitter.

    funny photos

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    Follow Mandatory on Instagram.

    funny photos

    funny photos

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    funny photos
    Hurry up and click now for more funny photos.

     

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    Having once been an ethical journalist, though I'm mostly recovered, I still find it necessary to let you know that at the time of this writing, I'm completely hammered. But as a method writer, I had no choice. And as Hemingway -- the Big Papa of all the successful drunks out there -- once may or may not have said: "Write drunk; edit sober." That's why I have an editor, whom I now owe a drink. But thanks to such difficult research, the sentences below should successfully regale these most triumphant drunks. They all helped shape this world, which, coincidentally, requires heavy drinking to properly enjoy.

    Ernest Hemingway
    most successful drunks in history, ernest hemingway
    Whether Hemingway said as much about editing or not, it's well known that his spare, concise writing -- the exact opposite of what a drunk might sound like -- was greatly aided by many bottles of booze (up to three a day) including wine at meals, by some reports. He was such a great drunk writer, someone even wrote an entire book about it. All justly deserved, of course; you have to really know what you're doing to create a concoction as imaginative and effective as the champagne and absinthe cocktail Hemingway dreamed up. But you have to be one of the greats to perfectly name it "Death in the Afternoon."


    Socrates
    most successful drunks in history, socrates
    Without Socrates, the whole Western Philosophy party might never have happened. And the big gadfly/barfly of that scene was 'ol So-crates himself, who could drink every other dress-wearing philosopher under the table and never appear to be any worse for wear. But after drinking and bullshitting so much, he finally realized that he knew absolutely nothing. This led to the discovery that knowing as much meant he knew even more than the rest of the big swinging Athenians. Maybe that's why he got served with one very stiff final drink of hemlock.


    Ulysses S. Grant
    most successful drunks in history, ulysses s grant
    In 1854, Grant was asked to resign from the Army because of his binge drinking ways. Fortunately, they had the good sense to let him back in, as Grant's success on the Civil War battlefield was vital to this nation not being any more f--ked up than it already was. Unfortunately, many times, heavy boozing absolutely requires heavy cigar smoking. Which causes cancer. Which kills you dead, even if you're a great general. But hey, when an appreciative citizenry sends you 10,000 boxes of stogies to say thanks for beating back those Rebs, a gentleman smokes them.


    Winston Churchill
    most successful drunks in history, winston churchill
    Many a royal Brit has been born with a gin and tonic in hand, including the Queen Mother herself, but only one of them sat down with Stalin and Roosevelt to divvy up the free world as we know it. Who knows how much those three partied at Yalta, but Churchill reportedly kept himself good and lubricated most days and nights. He liked to begin the day, whilst still in bed mind you, with a "tipple" of Johnny Red and water. Or a "Papa Cocktail," as his kids used to call them. And that was just one of Winnie's go-to adult beverages. But who can blame him for drinking for sustenance? It's not easy coming up with pithy quotes about alcohol all day long.


    Alexander the Great
    most successful drunks in history, alexander the great
    What's the dumbest thing you've ever done in a drunken rage? Well, Alexander apparently took over the world during his. That's certainly exaggerating a bit, but it's at least one scholar's take that Alex did a lot of boozing along the way, and possibly died of "an acute fever, possibly malaria, aggravated by alcohol." After being properly schooled by Aristotle -- who learned from Plato, who learned from that old drunk Socrates -- Alexander went on a conquering streak the likes of which the world had never seen, and everyone knows that optimal conquering requires feasting, which requires much praising of Dionysus. This generally culminates in orgies. Damn, I gotta do more conquering.


    Joseph McCarthy
    most successful drunks in history, joseph mccarthy
    Sure he's a historic asshole -- as far as assholes in history go, they don't get much bigger than Drunky Joe -- but there's no questioning he was successful. You don't get an "ism" associate with your name without being good at your job. And nobody rooted out commies quite like him. Drunky Joe eventually got rooted right out of the Senate, which pretty much led to him drinking himself to death at the age of 48 due to acute hepatitis from years of alcoholism. Proving yet again that the bottle always wins.


    Frank Sinatra
    most successful drunks in history, frank sinatra
    Sinatra and his always-tipsy cronies made damn fine money playing up their heavy drinking ways, and God bless them if they didn't just make being a drunk cool again in the process. But even though Sinatra was a functioning alcoholic most of the time, he did have the artistic strength to go cold turkey in the weeks leading up to important recording sessions. Still, Ol' Blue Eyes did it his drunken way most of the time. According to his fourth and final wife, Barbara: "Our friends often formed a private pact to stay up with Frank in shifts over several days, so that no one person had to carouse with him night after night in what he called the American Olympic Drinking Team." If that doesn't make you patriotic, then excuse me while I tell old Drunky Joe on you.


    Cleopatra
    most successful drunks in history, cleopatra
    Like many men of her time, she drank her fair share. But when you're the exalted Queen Cleopatra VII, Pharaoh of the Ptolemaic Kingdom in Egypt, then you have to stand out, so she also bathed in wine. Plus, it was supposedly good for her skin. Though she may not be as successful as some of the other pro drinkers on this list, having screwed up ruling enough to become the last pharaoh of the Ptolemaic Kingdom, she is the only person on this list we want to think about bathing in wine.


    Oprah Winfrey
    most successful drunks in history, oprah winfrey
    Actually, there's no evidence that Oprah drinks heavily at all, but I just wanted to see if any of you drunks were paying attention. Oh, and for the record, I would like to think about Oprah bathing in wine.


    Andre the Giant
    most successful drunks in history, andre the giant
    Let's face it, a lot of us need a little alcohol to function properly. But Andre needed a lot. Like a whole lot. Like more alcohol per year than most countries can produce. It's well-documented that he was a stud drinker, but this list is as much about being successful outside the bar than in it. If WWF World Heavyweight Champion plus WWF Tag Team Champion plus WWE Hall of Fame inductee doesn't add up to success, then color me sober.


    Ben Franklin
    most successful drunks in history, ben franklin
    I'm not saying freedom wouldn't exist if it weren't for booze but... wait, yes... yes I am. FREEDOM! Anyway, many of our Founding Fathers were daily drinkers, as was rote for the times since bacteria in the water supply could have killed off Zika. It was actually safer to drink anything fermented or distilled. But Franklin romanticized drinking better than any other man who signed the Declaration of Independence, so he gets the honor of being listed on this magnum opus. Long before Homer Simpson spoke so eloquently about the many-splendid glories of booze, Franklin summed it up best: "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

     

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    Relationships are tough, that's why 93 percent of relationships don't work. Now I don't know if that figure is right or if I'm just taking my personal experiences and putting a percentage on it; nevertheless, relationships take some work. And one way you can do that is by taking a step back and looking at your relationship and seeing how things truly are.

    That's what the Twitter user below did, and boy, he learned quite a bit.

    This Guy Looks At His Relationship In A Lot Of Ways

    This Guy Looks At His Relationship In A Lot Of Ways

    This Guy Looks At His Relationship In A Lot Of Ways

    This Guy Looks At His Relationship In A Lot Of Ways
    I think he's going to be OK, folks.

    h/t Tumblr

    And if you have a tough time moving on try this: This App Will Play Nickelback If You Try To Look At Pictures Of Your Ex

     

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    When I was young I used to own a bunch of VHS movies until my mom sold them all to some creepy guy at a garage sale who was really eager to own "The Lion King" and other Disney movies on VHS. Nevertheless, it's pretty amazing to see these modern movies in cool VHS retro form. And while we've seen modern TV shows in VHS form, check out some movies now thanks to the Instagram of IAmSteelberg.

    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    A photo posted by Steelberg (@iamsteelberg) on


    Bet you had these: 21 VHS Tapes You Most Likely Had In Your Childhood Collection

     

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    Flooding ravaged the state of Louisiana over the weekend, killing at least three people and destroying homes everywhere. But thanks to the efforts of rescuers, especially one brave man, a woman and her dog are alive today.

    Rescuers on a boat can be seen trying to break a woman out of a submerged car, attempting to break the car's window. One of the rescuers, David Phung, decides to jump in the brown water in order to save the woman. And oh yeah, her dog, too. Check out the video below thanks to WAFB:


    That woman owes that dude a steak dinner.

    h/t NY Daily News

    And this ladies and gentleman is an idiot: Irritated Reporter Rescues Clueless Old Man From Sinking Car On Live TV

     

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    My family was never big into family photos, but I do remember going to Sears one time in a last-ditch effort to try to prove to one another that we still liked each other. It didn't work -- no beach setting background could fix our dislike for each other. But anyway, enough about my dark family history, let's focus on the girl that made this family's photo one to remember.

    Check out the mischief that this Twitter user's niece got into:

    Girl Makes Appearance In Other Family's Photo, Makes It Unforgettable
    This is one to put in the entrance hall for all to see.

    h/t Tumblr

    Also unforgettable: All It Takes is One Kid To Completely Ruin A Family Photo

     

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    There are tons of ways that weddings can go horribly wrong, including an owl smashing head first into a windowpane, but the dad below is making sure that his kid's wedding guests attend a wedding they will never forget. And he's doing that by preparing an unforgettable speech.

    Take a look what a dad came up with when his offspring asked him if he wanted to make a speech at the wedding:

    Dad Prepares More Honest And Truthful Wedding For His Daughter
    You knew it was going to be legendary when this dude kicked it off with a "four score."

    Via Tumblr

    This is also quite memorable: It Doesn't Get Better Than This Stone Cold Steve Austin Wedding Entrance

     

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    We know that TV bad guys are great at talking shit, as sometimes we tune in just to see what else they have in store. But it's in the movies where you can find the most savage, most brutal insults. And whether it's Daniel Day-Lewis delivering the blow or Billy Bob Thornton, the burn from these movie insults will last a lifetime.

    "There Will Be Blood"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Full Metal Jacket"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "A League of their Own"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "The Mist"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "The Big Lebowski"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Step Brothers"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Goodfellas"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Roxanne"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Scarface"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Swimming with Sharks"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Get Carter"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "War of the Roses"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "The Breakfast Club"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Gangs of New York"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "The Princess Bride"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Army of Darkness"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Billy Madison"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    "Bad Santa"
    The Most Brutal Movie Insults

    Via Izismile

    Now use these on your enemies: The Most Savage Insults In 'Bloodsport'

     

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    I don't know how well things would go for humans if every time they got angry they took it out on someone's face with some of their poo, but that's the good thing about being a baboon: you can do whatever the hell you want. And the baboon in this video had enough of everyone's...shit.

    The family below was just enjoying their time at Tiger World in North Carolina when their day was ruined by a baboon that was not in a good mood at all. Take a look at a poor girl being completely traumatized forever:


    Shout-out to the dad who is too busy gagging to help his shit-covered kid.

    h/t hello U

    And this monkey was also pissed off: Young Tourist Flips Off Monkey, Gets Drop Kicked By Monkey

     

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    Well, it seems one of them tried to go for the gold that night.

    Hoje as 16 horas plataforma 10 metros sincronizada 🇧🇷💪🏼💚💛

    A photo posted by ƗŇǤŘƗĐ ØŁƗV€ƗŘΔ (@ingrid.oliveira96) on


    Reportedly, the diving team of Ingrid Oliveira and Giovanna Pedroso practiced and worked hard for years only to let sex come between them and their Olympic medal dreams. That's right, sex. According to the NY Post, 20-year-old Oliveira kicked 17-year-old Pedroso out of their room at the Olympic Village so she could have sex just one night before the pair was supposed to compete.

    Let's first take a look at Oliveira below thanks to her Instagram:


    And here is her partner, Pedroso, via her Instagram:

    🙆🏻

    A photo posted by Giovanna Gomes Almeida Pedroso (@_giovannagomes_) on


    So what was more important than Olympic gold? A canoeist. Yep, Oliveira kicked out her partner in order to hook up with canoeist, Pedro Goncalves. I had no idea canoeists were drowning in vagina.

    Somos 6• melhores do planeta! FINALISTA OLIMPICO 🇧🇷🏆 .OBRIGADO BRASIL

    A photo posted by ᴘᴇᴅʀᴏ ʜᴇɴʀɪǫᴜᴇ ɢᴏɴçᴀʟᴠᴇs-ᴘᴇᴘᴇ (@pepehgoncalves) on


    Well, he sure looks happy.

    Oliveira had no comment on the matter, simply saying, "My personal life, I do not speak about."

    But Pedroso let loose: "I have been waiting for four years to be present at the Olympics and for her it was better to have fun and therefore threw me out of the room," she told the Sun. "After the Olympics, I will focus on my individual. It's good because I will not need to depend on anyone. Then I will be able to improve and evolve more."

    Hope Oliveira had her Olympic storybook ending.

    And here's more on that exciting diving sport: The Rio Olympics Are Killing It On The Unnecessary Censorship Without Even Trying

     

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    When you're riding the train, it's always a nice thing to give up your seat to an old person, a pregnant woman or a lazy a-hole like me. But if you spot the old guy below on your train, just be aware that he's probably going to do something you won't expect.

    Check out what good old grandpa did when he was offered a seat on the train.

    Check Out What This Old Dude Did When He Was Offered A Preferred Seat On The Train
    "Yo."

    Check Out What This Old Dude Did When He Was Offered A Preferred Seat On The Train
    "Check this out."

    Check Out What This Old Dude Did When He Was Offered A Preferred Seat On The Train
    "How you like me now?"

    No word yet if those words were actually spoken.

    Via imgur

    Now check out these old folks: 12 Old People Who Are In Way Better Shape Than You

     

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    I'm just going to assume that the guy below didn't hear about the dude who was eaten by an alligator after yelling "F**k that alligator," and he hasn't heard about the guy who hid from police in a pond only to be demolished by an alligator, either. And I know he hasn't read any of that because he attempted the dumbest thing ever.

    Meet Fred Boyce. Fred is a herpetologist, so you'd think he would have some logic when dealing with gators. Fred doesn't have logic. Proof he doesn't is below:

    Guy Tries To Grab Alligator, Absolutely Fails Big Time
    You dun goofed, Fred.

    Check out the video of this idiot here.

    h/t imgur

    Now check this alligator out: Video: Gigantic Alligator Strolls Across A Florida Golf Course

     

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