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- 08/25/16--05:15: _10 Shows That Never...
- 08/25/16--05:59: _These Millennials A...
- 08/25/16--06:20: _This Is Quite Possi...
- 08/25/16--06:38: _Houston Realtor Cau...
- 08/25/16--06:59: _Weird News: Ohio Ma...
- 08/25/16--07:10: _The Dirtiest Cakes ...
- 08/25/16--07:19: _Guess Which One Of ...
- 08/25/16--07:48: _Texas Students Go T...
- 08/25/16--08:30: _Emily Ratajkowski A...
- 08/25/16--20:02: _Here's Kim Kardashi...
- 08/25/16--20:43: _Dude Hoping To Crow...
- 08/25/16--21:04: _Weird News: Ohio Ma...
- 08/26/16--04:19: _Today's Funny Photos
- 08/26/16--04:51: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 08/26/16--05:20: _The Most Hilarious ...
- 08/26/16--05:50: _20 Movie Stars And ...
- 08/26/16--05:50: _The Best Song For E...
- 08/26/16--06:51: _Mom Scolds Daughter...
- 08/26/16--07:20: _The Importance of B...
- 08/26/16--08:12: _Obama Wore A Virtua...
- 08/25/16--05:15: 10 Shows That Never Should Have Left Comedy Central
- 08/25/16--05:59: These Millennials Are A Bunch Of Freaks!
- 08/25/16--06:20: This Is Quite Possibly The Best Answer To A Science Question Ever
- 08/25/16--06:38: Houston Realtor Caught Having Sex In House She Just Sold
- 08/25/16--07:10: The Dirtiest Cakes You've Ever Seen And Will Ever See (NSFW)
- 08/25/16--07:19: Guess Which One Of These Dogs Chewed Up Their Owner's Shoe Insole
- 08/25/16--07:48: Texas Students Go Through With Their 'Cocks Not Glocks' Campaign
- 08/25/16--08:30: Emily Ratajkowski And Her Butt Sure Have Been Enjoying Greece
- 08/26/16--04:19: Today's Funny Photos
- 08/26/16--04:51: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 08/26/16--05:20: The Most Hilarious And Bizarre Things Found In School Textbooks
- 08/26/16--05:50: 20 Movie Stars And Their Stunt Doubles
- 08/26/16--05:50: The Best Song For Each Day Of The Week
- 08/26/16--06:51: Mom Scolds Daughter For Eating Ice Cream Meant For The Cat
- 08/26/16--07:20: The Importance of Being Ernest P. Worrell
The Ben Show
Air dates: Feb. 28, 2013 - April 18, 2013
In 2016, Ben Hoffman released a country album that peaked at No. 9 on the U.S. Country chart. The album was titled "Redneck Shit," which should give you a clue as to his unique brand of comedy. A Jew from Lexington, Kentucky, Hoffman premiered on Comedy Central with "The Ben Show," a mix of sketch comedy and man-on-the-street encounters.
What made "The Ben Show" special was its unforced authenticity, basically a charmingly lackadaisical series that felt as if you were hanging out with Hoffman himself. Sometimes he brought gold (Football Coach), while other times he produced corny paleface R&B anthems about black women hugging (Black Women Hugging). At all times, however, you were on the edge of your seat waiting for the next 24-karat nugget of comedic genius.
As one unimpressed college student at the University of Michigan wrote in a column, "The format doesn't make sense....This show doesn't cater to immature 12-year-old boys, nor is it brimming with intellectual wit for more sophisticated audiences." Exactly! That's exactly right. And it's why the show garnered cult status among jaded twenty-something humor aficionados tired of the status quo. Unfortunately, it's also why it was canceled.
Air dates: January 22, 2003 - July 23, 2006
Between 2003 and 2006, audiences -- both black and white (and yellow and green and magenta) -- guffawed on a weekly basis at the ingenious spectacle that was "Chappelle's Show." It took on cultural taboos that no one would go near, including a "Racial Draft" and recurring human interest pieces on the life and times of one Tyrone Biggums. Audiences loved it, and would laugh freely at these touchy subjects without an ounce of discomfort. But alas, it would end, because the only person uncomfortable in this equation would be Chappelle himself.
In June 2004, Chappelle was performing stand-up in Sacramento, CA, when audience members began chanting, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" He left the stage in a heat and said, "The show is ruining my life." The man who seemingly solved racial issues in America was a victim of his own fame. Chappelle cited burnout, loss of creative control and an uncomfortable work environment as reasons for his departure. Plus, the 20-hour workdays, he said, took time away from his true passion of stand-up comedy.
Those who believe Chappelle went nutty and flew to Africa to cope are completely absent to the fact that Chappelle hit grand slams in every sketch, in every episode. That type of perfection is only possible through a monopoly of creative control, something he lost more and more of as his show went on. In one blogger's opinion, me, Chappelle simply didn't want to tarnish the masterpiece he created, and instead of continuing down a path of creative surrender, he booked it.
Important Things With Demetri Martin
Air dates: Feb. 11, 2009 - April 15, 2010
Only Martin's unorthodox, heady brand of comedy could produce such an unconventional show. Basically, it was "The Jeselnik Offensive" with brains. Each show had a theme, or "important thing," and sketches were in the form of vignettes. In an interview, Martin offered his thoughts on the show's cancellation: "It wasn't so tough because even after the first season, I was exhausted and wasn't sure I wanted to keep doing it. It was 80 hours a week and I made it harder for myself because I wanted to put so many segments in each episode." One must wonder how Daniel Tosh is able to do it if a Yale graduate couldn't.
Nick Swardson's Pretend Time
Air dates: Oct. 12, 2010 - Nov. 16, 2011
"I regret to inform everyone Pretend Time is over. The ratings were solid but it was too expensive for the network and tough creatively. I thank all who supported it." - Nick Swardson via Facebook, 2012
If a show produced by Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions featuring a cocaine-addicted cat, a gay robot and a masturbating sniper can't survive the death clutches of Comedy Central, where's the hope for anyone else? Following the standard format of Comedy Central sketch shows, Swardson began each episode with his gregarious goober stand-up routine and proceeded to feature sketches bordering on the absurd. If you like "Grandma's Boy," it has the same feel -- gross, immature, and undeniably awesome.
The Man Show
Air dates: June 16, 1999 - June 19, 2004
In the summer of 1999, two unapologetic louts by the names of Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel captured testosterone-addled hearts everywhere with juggies and beer. But juggies and beer weren't the only redeeming qualities of "The Man Show." Who could forget Kimmel and Carolla campaigning to end women's suffrage? And what about Bill Foster, the legendary beer drinker who would down a pint in less than two seconds? And that talking deer on the hood of a car?
Featuring live pranks and sketches, "The Man Show" was the impetus for catapulting two hairy assholes to national stardom. The show could've gone on, but Kimmel had higher ambitions, as he told the Observer in 2002, "The idea that I am this guy who runs around snapping people in the ass with a towel, that's not really me. I like to think there is a little more to me than that. I know there is." It's a shame, but "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" remains freshly edgy to this day and in 2011, "The Adam Carolla Show" became the most downloaded podcast of all time.
Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn
Air dates: Dec. 9, 2002 - Nov. 4, 2004
In New York City, there's a stand-up club called the Comedy Cellar. In the Comedy Cellar, there's a legendary table where all the regulars sit and rip each other to pieces. It's basically a rite of passage for newbies, but a veritable home for comedians like Jim Norton, Nick DiPaolo, Hannibal Burress, and the late, great Greg Giraldo and Patrice O'Neal. This table, and the conversations held there, inspired Colin Quinn's one and only show on Comedy Central.
Unpolished, unrehearsed, and as a result, controversial as hell, "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn" was basically Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" with balls. Guests spoke of race and politics without a hint of fear, often berating each other until Quinn stepped in to right the ship. Sometimes stars like George Carlin and Jerry Seinfeld showed up, but the panel usually included DiPaolo, Giraldo, Norton, O'Neal, Rich Vos, Keith Robinson and Judy Gold. As is the case with most brash and racy shows, it was canceled due to battles with network executives over content issues.
Insomniac with Dave Attell
Air dates: Aug. 5, 2001 - Nov. 11, 2004
One could consider Dave Attell a degenerate Anthony Bourdain, a man whose show "Insomniac" involved traveling to more than 40 American cities and partying with the locals. After performing sets, Attell would head out with a camera crew and hit up clubs, bars and landmarks. Rumor has it he canceled the show himself to avoid getting too popular, so that he could remain unrecognized in order to continue mingling with normies without pretense.
Air dates: July 23, 2003 - July 8, 2009
Lieutenant Jim Dangle was at the helm, and the rest were a ragtag crew of inept Nevada officers wholly incompetent at even arresting a paraplegic pedophile. Mockumentary-style, "Reno 911!" was a satire of "Cops" starring comic actors. Like "Cops," it dealt with subjects like race, substance abuse, mental disorders, sexual orientation and rape. Little do many know, it was mostly improvised with very little scripting. In 2009, Thomas Lennon announced via Twitter that Comedy Central had canceled the show, stating, "Won't be wearing the shorts again."
Key & Peele
Air dates: Jan. 31, 2012 - Sept. 9, 2015
After watching "Luther, Barack Obama's Anger Translator," the president himself replied, "It's pretty good stuff -- it's good stuff." But it isn't like ex-MADtv cast members Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele needed the endorsement. They already won critical acclaim and Emmy nominations -- not to mention a Peabody Award -- for "Key & Peele."
The show was the first to utilize YouTube as a conduit for advertising without giving a hoot, putting nearly every sketch on the medium. Some sketches, like Substitute Teacher above, received tens of millions of views. In 2015, the duo was canceled. Not because they didn't have a choice, but because they decided to move on.
The Burn with Jeff Ross
Air dates: Aug. 14, 2012 - Feb. 5, 2013
Jeff Ross is something of an enigma. He's basically anonymous, but he kills every time he's live on TV. It makes you wonder why he's anonymous until you look at his face. In 2012, "The Burn with Jeff Ross" premiered, and as expected, it featured Ross' specialty of roasting everyone and anything. It involved segments such as "Speed Roasting," where audience members requested to be roasted, and "Friendly Fire," where Ross and his panel of comedians would sling zingers in hopes to break each other. Surprisingly good, "The Burn with Jeff Ross" ended in early 2013 with a 7.8/10 rating on IMDB.
UGH, I am so sick of these damn entitled millennials and their asshole behavior. Just take a look at some of these weirdos.
It's time to grow up, you fucking millennial brats.
Honest test answers are always the best, but when one guy came across a science question that involved nitrogen atoms and the age of a bone he took this moment to spew the whole truth to his professor. And he really spilled his guts out.
Check out the answer he provided, plus the response he received, thanks to imgur:
Damn, Mr. J, you couldn't even give him some credit for that? School blows.
More funny students: These Are The 20 Most Hilarious Students Of All Time
Man, talk about a housewarming gift.
Kayla Marisa Seloff, a 22-year-old Houston real estate agent was caught having sex in the empty home she had just sold the day before. It all started when a nearby neighbor called police after seeing two people with a flashlight enter the house. Those two people? Kayla and her 27-year-old lover Joshua Leal.
When police arrived at the home and looked inside they found the horny pair together on the floor of one of the rooms having sex. Kayla originally told police that she and Leal were married and the actual owners of the house -- a lie that was quickly erased when Kayla revealed the truth.
Kayla only confessed everything when police found weed and a glass pipe inside her car.
The folks Kayla sold the house to turned right around and pressed criminal trespassing charges against her and her man.
Seloff and Leal were incarcerated on $1,000 bail on the trespassing charges, but she wasn't charged for the pot.
Kudos to Kayla for playing out a porn scene I've seen about 100 times.
(Pics via Facebook)
h/t NY Daily News
Here's someone else who got caught having sex: Teacher Has Sex With Students In Car, Roof Of School, Gets 22 Years
It looks as though some people are taking the death of Harambe pretty hard. Literally.
According to The Smoking Gun, a 32-year-old Warren man was arrested last week after he was caught "acting like a gorilla" and punching his clown for all to see on a city sidewalk.
Police responding to a call about a "pair of white males running around the lot taking off their clothes" said Timothy Cook was also punching cement and growling before "squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently."
Witnesses told police they saw Cook waving his arms around wildly after he entered a local DMV. His next move? You guessed it: He ran outside and began jerking off on the sidewalk.
It turns out Cook wasn't hopped up on Mountain Dew, as he was treated for some kind of drug overdose by paramedics on the scene. Police wouldn't say which drug Cook was on, but it sounds to us like it was probably a mixture of crack, motor oil and laundry detergent.
It's been one hell of a week for Ohio Man: Weird News: Ohio Man Arrested After Having Sex With A Van
Sure, cake is tasty and for some reason representative of celebration, but do I want to spend $600 on something that might feed 20 people? No. However, What I MIGHT spend $600 on is an extravagant cake that accurately resembles something that will definitely make sure that there are no kids present at said celebration/event.
What you will witness below are the dirtiest cakes available on the internet. The further down you get, the dirtier the cakes become. 17 is just the worst.
1. Boob with Penis Design
Obviously, this piece of lingerie isn't doing much in terms of fit, but perhaps more confusing is why this female has an absolutely gigantic schlong that 99 percent of the male population, including me, is envious of.
2. Booty Cake With Fondant Whip
Now this one looks like the real deal. I'm impressed. It's the Twerking Butt of novelty cakes.
3. Clitoral Hood Piercing Cake
A fantastic educational (and toilet-looking) cake for the man who can't find the clitoris.
4. Eat My Pussy Cake
This is the actual name of the cake. The website also insists it's "great for milestone birthdays," which is pretty much the last occasion I would think this would be appropriate for. Besides, is all that blood necessary?
5. Curved Shaft Cake
The skin on the penis is so damn realistic, but the spherical and smooth balls just ruin it. The addition of icing semen is disgusting, but probably delicious nonetheless.
6. Stand Up Penis Cake
That penis is so girthy she can't even wrap her hand around it!
7. Super Penis Cake
I have this same underwear, only my penis isn't nearly as friendly.
8. Titty Job Cake
Where the semen is literally the icing on the cake.
9. Vagina Cupcake
This is by far the messiest vagina I've ever seen. Fiercely unappetizing.
10. Hairy Butt Cake
So funny. The dirtiest, pimpliest, hairiest ass anyone has ever witnessed. Bravo on the inclusion of corn. Despite the clever artistry, however, there's no way I'd touch any of that cake.
11. Naughty Cupcake Collection
They're all really well done, but this is the first butt-hole cake I've seen in my searches.
12. By The Balls Cake
The cake is horribly decorated, I just thought it was a smart idea for an engagement party where kids aren't welcome.
13. Oral Sex Engagement Cake
I've included this one because I believe that's a gaming controller next to him.
14. Vagina Close-Up Cake
15. Tampon Cake
I have no idea which occasion this would be suitable for.
16. Eat A Bag Of Dicks Cake
Taking the insult literally.
17. Two Girls One Cup Cake
If you saw the video, you know what that cup is supposed to be filled with.
By the looks of things, this guy's feet must taste like peanut butter.
We'll go ahead and set this puppy up for you.
A Buenos Aires man owns two dogs. He also owns a pair of shoes that at one time looked as though they were sporting a pair of super comfortable insoles.
Well, apparently those insoles are also rather tasty because one of the dogs decided to take one of the insoles to chew town, and the owner is none to happy about it. In an effort to find out which one of his pooches was the guilty party, he lined up both of them and held out the insole for both to see.
Now, take a guess at which one did it:
All right. Which one of you mutts ate my pot brownies? This Is What Happens When A Tiny Dog Eats A Pot Brownie
Careful with those cocks, though. They'll shoot as well if you hold them too correctly.
According to Yahoo! News, a group of genius students at the University of Texas fulfilled their promise of a "Cocks Not Glocks" campaign after the state passed a law making it legal to carry concealed handguns in the classroom.
And here's what that looked like:
Openly displaying sex toys is technically illegal because of local indecency laws, but Jessica Lin probably put it best when she told reporters that she and other students were doing it to "fight absurdity with absurdity."
"Texas has decided it is not at all obnoxious or illegal to allow deadly concealed weapons on campus," Jin said. "But walking around with a dildo could land you in trouble."
On the day when many students returned to school in Austin, the "Cocks Not Glocks" campaign distributed hundreds of sex toys to get their point across. Let's hope they also got the message out that they should wash them first before using them.
Traffic makes me horny, baby: Woman Too Busy Using Sex Toy In Traffic Crashes Into Van
Emily Ratajkowski is quickly becoming one of our favorite girls at Mandatory, and that's mainly because she's not afraid to share her gifts with us. And we truly do appreciate it. And even though Emily has been living it up in Greece, it doesn't mean she has forgotten about us.
Just take a look at what Emily shared on her Instagram -- a photo that really makes us wish we would have tagged along (damn you, restraining order).
And here's just a closer look:
What the hell, just one more pic:
Um, what were we talking about again? Emily Ratajkowski Drinks Wine In A Low Cut Dress You Won't Be Able To Look Away From
If you are vacationing in Mexico right now, odds are you are about to regret your decision to save six or seven bucks by staying at the Mexican version of a Hampton Inn instead of ponying up some real dough for once to stay at the resorts where people who matter--like Kim Kardashian--decide to shack up.
Well if that's you, I'm sorry, but you really dicked up this time around. While you watched from the sideline as the staff at your hotel pool was busy trying to coax a homeless guy out of the pool, just think, you could have been sipping on Mai Tais poolside where Kim was running around in what she considers to be a swimsuit.
So yeah, odds are you are currently pretty pissed about missing that. Luckily for all of us, though, somebody snapped a few pics and threw them up on the World Wide Web for all to see.
Here's a much needed closer look.
Now check the uncensored version out thanks to this Twitter post(Warning: NSFW):
h/t Barstool Sports
Kate Upton? White shirt? Getting out of a pool? Um, yes please: Kate Upton Getting Out Of A Pool (Gloriously NSFW GIF)
There are many different parts that go into a successful crowd surf.
For starters, you usually have to be drunker than shit to even think about crawling or climbing up onto something and then jumping down onto a group of people who you've never met. I mean, there's a level of trust involved there that is usually reserved for people who you've known for at least a few months if not a few years.
Then there's the establishing of the fact that you are going to jump down onto the people below and receiving the acknowledgment that they are indeed going to catch you when you do.
But perhaps the most important part of a successful crowd surf or stage dive is actually being caught by the people below, and son of a bee sting, that just didn't happen here:
If you're looking for a "glass half full" take on the situation, at least now every time he looks in the mirror, he'll be reminded that trying to crowd surf or stage dive later that night will be the same as it always has been: a really dumb idea.
Maybe he'll share a hospital room with this moron: Naked Man On Way Too Many Drugs At EDC Stage Dives Headfirst Onto Ground Below
But if he only has the top half, then where is he going to stick his...oh, her mouth. Now I get it.
According to The Smoking Gun, a 26-year-old Ohio man was arrested and charged with felony breaking and entering after he broke into an Elyria porn shop and made off with $2,650 worth of sex toys, including the torso of a $2,000 sex doll.
Police said Ellis Doyle broke into Cirilla's early Saturday morning by climbing through a ventilation pipe. After walking around the store several times, Doyle decided on snatching a few sex toys and lubricants before zeroing in on a sexy mannequin/sex doll named "Eva."
Eva didn't totally do it for Doyle, but that was nothing a $46.99 blonde wig couldn't fix. Surveillance video showed Doyle and just the upper half of his new flame with her new do exiting the store and then trying to get back in, but the doors had locked behind him.
Police used the video to help identify Doyle, and they even found the top half of Eva, which of course was "discarded outside a Red Roof Inn near Cirilla's."
This guy humped a mannequin that was missing its left arm: Weird News: Police Find Tennessee Man In Bed With Mannequin He Stole From Hustler Store
Funny photos are a lot like like tacos -- it's hard to stop at just one. Unfortunately, also like tacos, if you indulge in too many, you may end up crapping your pants. We think we included just the right amount in today's roundup to keep you satisfied, yet not to the point where you laugh so hard that you evacuate your bowels. Although, if you did, that'd be pretty impressive on our part. Anyways, onto more poop jokes.
Did you know that Funny Photos refers to more than just today's collection?
Fun fact: Funny Photos are endorsed by four out of five dog mayors across the country.
ICYMI: Yesterday's Funny Photos
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
so Ryan Lechte gets robbed at the Olympics & everyone talks about it, but when Gangnam Style got robbed at the Grammys y'all were silent? 🤔— adam crouch (@TheHoshuah) August 16, 2016
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
him: what's wrong?— errkuh (@hairicaaa) July 25, 2016
me: nothing i'm fine
[we live a long prosperous life together]
me kneeling at his casket: i just think it's funny how-
Therapist: have u tried to harm yourself before— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 5, 2016
Me: one time I read the comments of a YouTube video I was in
my fave part of "the godfather" is when his mustache turns into a tree pic.twitter.com/1cCG2mNSM9— brandon soderberg (@notrivia) August 22, 2016
I need to do some good deeds or my obituary is going to be all about the time I accidentally drove that train out of the museum.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2016
There's a lot of bitterness on this truck driver meme page pic.twitter.com/PiYUt67axm— orin (@orin_anne) May 13, 2016
Genie: 1st wish— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 20, 2016
ME: I wish for a pen
M: another pen
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
If you were at Florida for all of 2007, you shared a campus with:— Stephen Schramm (@stephenschramm) August 19, 2016
Stop pretending Cinderella had a happy ending. She ended up with a guy who threw a party so women could audition to be his wife.— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 20, 2016
Wizards probably don't use Voldemort's name because they don't want a bunch of unhinged Death Eater randos popping up in their mentions.— Katie Coyle (@krcoyle) August 20, 2016
Lovely, then ominous pic.twitter.com/i9Ug4uOrGB— jonronson (@jonronson) August 15, 2016
The coolest dog ever is not allowed: pic.twitter.com/lHXk4yKLb9— CrankyPappy (@CrankyPappy) June 27, 2015
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan— Shawn (@online_shawn) October 9, 2014
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 2, 2016
Me: *never blinks again*
Date an RV https://t.co/ZBXNND9yqT— Matthew (@matthewtreaves) August 9, 2016
I love that euphoric feeling you get after a really good workout so that's why I try to set aside at least an hour each day to do drugs.— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 16, 2016
asking for a friend pic.twitter.com/AAJtJSFpyX— tinybaby (@tinybaby) August 20, 2016
My "Pi" tattoo is taking longer than I thought— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) May 15, 2016
we really did take myspace for granted. i am sick of having to do this every weekend pic.twitter.com/ftl50YFlo7— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 21, 2016
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
The last memory I have of textbooks is spending an absurd amount of money on them only to use them once in the semester. And now? Now I use them to prop up my laptop. Thanks, college. I'm not in school now, but some of you kids are back there, so enjoy these textbooks that had some funny and strange things included in them.
Here's a fun activity to do when you're bored in class: The Funniest Defaced Textbooks
Some movie stars take pride in doing their own stunts, but even then the big bosses up top won't put the people they've invested so much in in harm's way. And that's where those poor stunt guys and gals come in, ready to take the fall for the rich and famous. While we've seen some stars and their stunt doubles, here are 20 more of them.
No stunt double needed here: The Craziest Stunts Done By Real Actors
"Sunday Morning Coming Down" - Johnny Cash
I'm not just handing this one to Johnny, even though he's threatening me from the grave, promising to haunt my every Sunday if I don't give him the crown over such worthy contenders as U2's "Sunday, Bloody Sunday," No Doubt and The Velvet Underground's separate "Sunday Morning" songs (Maroon 5's need not be considered), Etta James' "A Sunday Kind of Love," and the tempting runner-up The Commodores' "Easy Like Sunday Morning." But this one is just so poetically deep. Kris Kristofferson wrote it after his wife and kid left, and he learned the hard way that Sunday is by far the worst day of the week to have no one to hold, particularly back in Nashville where the bars didn't open until after one (yet he still found a way to have a beer for breakfast and one more for dessert). Kris got a lot happier once Johnny Cash took it to No. 1 and depressed the hell out of the rest of us. Beautifully so, of course.
"I Don't Like Mondays" - The Boomtown Rats
You can see no reasons, cause there are no reasons, but that's the reason The Boomtown Rats barely beat out "Monday Monday" by The Mamas and Papas, the front-runner among such other worthy contenders as The Bangles' "Manic Monday," Fleetwood Mac's "Monday Morning," Jimmy Buffett's "Come Monday," and T-Bone Walker's "Call It Stormy Monday." But some 35 years later, Bob Geldof's poppy murder ballad may even resonate more than it did when he wrote it, back in 1979 after a 16-year-old girl shot up a playground full of kids in San Diego. The title of the song is the response she gave for why she did it, while adding "this livens up the day." And yet the majority of the working world has taken it to heart as a plucky sing-along to make the ride to work more bearable after a rowdy weekend.
"Tuesday's Gone" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
So many good choices here -- The Rolling Stones' "Ruby Tuesday," The Moody Blues "Tuesday Afternoon," and ILoveMakonnen's "Tuesday" (feat. Drake), just to name a few -- but I gotta give it to Skynyrd's "Tuesday's Gone" because at this point, it's simply impossible to separate it from the crescendo scene of one my favorite movies "Dazed and Confused." After Clint beats up the dancing brainiac, when the Moon Tower kegs run dry, Wooderson finally gets that redheads' phone number, and Randall "Pink" Floyd loses one girl but picks up a hotter one. It's the second best use of a song in one of the best soundtrack films ever, a song soulful and honest and epic enough to help capture the fleeting nostalgia of all those Tuesday's gone by the wayside back when you were feeling up cheerleaders under the bleachers.
"Business Time" - Flight of the Conchords
This may just be the thinnest day of the bunch, with the only other real contenders being Simon & Garfunkel's "Wednesday Morning, 3 a.m." and John Lee Hooker's "Wednesday Evening Blues." But neither of those holds a business sock to the Conchords' finest number. I hear some of you complaining already that Wednesday should be in the song's title, or that it should be what the song's about. I understand your feeling disgruntled, I do. But while the main point of the song is to regale Jermaine's sexploits, such lothario-ing couldn't be possible on any other night of the week, "when everything is just right" for weekly lovemaking. If that's not an ode to Wednesday, then perhaps I'm misconstruing the meaning of Hump Day.
"Thursday (Here's Why I Did Not Go To Work Today)" - Nilsson
The Weekend's "Thursday" is tough to beat sonically, and David Bowie gets the sentimental nod with "Thursday's Child," but no one feels as passionately about Thursdays as Harry Nilsson on "Thursday (Here's Why I Did Not Go To Work Today)." Granted, I have no problems with Thursdays myself. In fact, I rather like them. But not Harry, who must have really f**ked up on a Thursday or two to have developed such wariness of the day. Unless there's some other way of interpreting "If Thursday was a boat, I bet it'd sink," that is. But, in music, heartfelt always wins. Plus I have to factor in bonus points for giving us all another excellent reason to get out of work, which is basically: "Oh, sorry, couldn't make it today, you know, Thursday."
"Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" - Katy Perry
With nearly 100 million YouTube views, the popular choice here would be Rebecca Black's "Friday," but what the f**k does popular have to do with best? In this case, nothing, as those 100 million views represent a great many people who are less cool for having seen the video. Yet again, Bowie would be the sentimental pick here with "Friday on My Mind," which is a better song than his Thursday effort, but just misses taking the top spot here. As does The Cure's "Friday I'm In Love" and Steely Dan's "Black Friday." But all these worthy contenders pale in comparison to Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" for one very important reason -- the 1:13 mark of the above video, which, now that I look at it, has over 740 million streams (presumably with most of those pausing at the 1:13 mark). So I guess popularity does win in this case. One for the people!
"Another Saturday Night"
Just to show you I'm not a sentimentalist, Bowie's "Drive In Saturday" is out of the running, though his bassist does win the consolation prize for best sideburns. I'm sure a lot of you think the winner here should be Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting," but I can't condone violence. "Saturday Night Special" certainly gets a nod, but we only have seven "best songs" to award here, so would it really be fair if Skynyrd took home two? I'm sure a case could be made for the entire "Saturday Night Fever" album, but since none of those songs even mention Saturday, I won't be the one making it. And heck, if I was a big skating fan, I might even give the nod to Bay City Rollers' "Saturday Night," but skating's stupid. So basically it comes down to Chicago's "Saturday In The Park" and Sam Cooke's "Another Saturday Night," which is a quandary indeed, but I'll give it to Cooke since Cat Stevens recorded a version that rival's both songs in the running, which means one song performed by two solo artists gets more points than one song recorded by many kick-ass bandmates. Because math.
F**k You Day
If you disagree with any of these, please feel free to replace them with this one. Always a solid choice.
I've never been a cat person, which is surprising to me because their cold demeanor, how distant they are and their death stares are things I can really relate to. But while I'm not a cat person, there are tons of people out there who would die for their furry pet, and one of those people is the mom below who wasn't too happy when she found out her daughter ate the ice cream intended for the family cat, Coco.
Check out the bizarre and hilarious convo below.
Just going to assume Coco will murder that girl in her sleep.
Oh, mom: Mom Grounds Daughter After Finding 'Drugs' But Then Learns The Hilarious Truth
Between the lesser-known facts, impressive milestones and life lessons herein, it seems you're about to go to school....Ernest goes to school. "Knowhutimean?
Between 1987 and 1990, four indie Ernest movies generated $100 million.
Those first "Ernest" movies had very low budgets and few effects, relying mostly on Varney's ability to carry a scene throughout. "Ernest Goes to Camp" had a budget of only $3 million, and the ones to follow weren't much higher, yet generated close to $100 million. Five more films were released independently, mainly for the video and television markets, and also did fairly well.
He was a master of impersonation.
Late great actors like Varney and Robin Williams, whom Varney was great friends with, both passed before their time, but they were masters of multiple-personality impersonations. Not only did Jim Varney inhabit the Ernest persona for a lengthy bit of his career, he filtered in other outside characters in his movies, dressing up as army brats, elderly women and other hilariously random characters, which held no significance to the movie other than pure enjoyment.
Varney was nearly a genius.
Most Ernest fans would assume Varney to be a hillbilly, based on "Beverly Hillbillies" or a goofball, based on his prevalent Ernest character. But Varney had an incredibly high IQ and had studied Shakespeare. He was also a standup comedian and a musician, sort of an overall renaissance man.
He proved Malcolm Gladwell right, honing his craft in the face of rejection.
Ernest was used in more than a reported 4,000 local commercials, sometimes 25 shot per day. The invention of Ernest P. Worrell came to the out-of-work actor around the time of the actors' strike in the late '70s. Back home in Tennessee, Varney was offered local commercials to do with his off-camera buddy Vern. This led to the creation of Ernest movies, for which he earned a Razzie award. One year later, he won a Daytime Emmy. Talk about dedication.
Varney wasn't in it for the money.
He kept it simple with the flourishing advertisement gig. It wasn't in Varney's interest to take the ads nationwide, as they were built for a local audience. Although he probably could have. They shot with a low budget and kept the scripts fun and simple, which was the charm of the character of Ernest.
Success didn't spoil him.
Jim Varney's busy schedule and unwavering ability to please the crowds didn't stop with the ads or the TV show or the 20-something Ernest credits he had in under 15 years. Instead, he continued to do what he loved, performing standup in small Midwestern joints, one of his last videotaped in the '90s. Varney, along with Robin Williams, was one of the original Comedy Store alumni. Did you know? When asked if he was a chain smoker, he said, "Nah, they're real hard to light, and you have to carry that big torch around."
He stayed grounded, despite his busy career.
Most people think to be a successful actor, you have to live in L.A., but Varney kept it simple, moving back to his native Tennessee (where he would pass) amidst the busy times of his career.
He gave back, even despite his illness.
Ernest P. Worrell was one of the most lovable characters of any '80s child, his movies made to please the masses with simple, quirky humor. But Varney gave back, too, even when he was sick with cancer, he still got into character and visited children from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
He did a 1986 anti-smoking ad before dying of lung cancer.
When he was diagnosed, he quit cold turkey, albeit too late. The anti-smoking ad was one of the local "Hey Vern" commercials right around the time Ernest was set to take over the big screen. It was only a little over a decade later that Varney became incredibly ill from smoking himself.
Ernest lives on today.
With more credits than years to the name Ernest P. Worrell, Varney had immortalized his classic character. With advertising credits as early as 1983, movies as early as "Ernest Goes to Camp" in 1987 and unfinished work as late as 2000's "Ernest the Pirate," which was never released due to his untimely death at the age of 50, there's a wide array of Worrell greatness. Even one of the local auto malls immortalized Ernest as a CGI character. Whether or not you've enjoyed Ernest as earnestly as some children did, there's no end to the mark made by this talented man, one both irreplaceable and deeply missed.
"Life's just a bus stop to somewhere infinitely better." -Jim Varney
It's that time once again, folks, when a picture makes its way onto the internet, and you lovely people rush to get the perfect photoshops of it done. And this time around? Well, it's your very own president. Obama was captured wearing a virtual reality headset, and the internet did the rest.
Let's first check out the original picture thanks to Pete Souza's (the official White House photographer) Instagram:
Now here are the gems:
Now take a look at this one: That Hug Obama Gave Hillary Clinton Got Photoshopped In The Name Of America