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Mandatory

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    It's not often that someone else's shitty day (pun intended, believe it or not) ends up advancing your career, but that's precisely the picture the following text exchange paints. It will also put some rather disturbing imagery in your head, but let's just try to tune that out as much as possible. The bottom line here is that the girl sending messages to her friend whilst sitting on the toilet winds up in quite the predicament, but still not as crappy a situation as the person she is talking about.

    disastrous poop storydisastrous poop storydisastrous poop storydisastrous poop storydisastrous poop storydisastrous poop story
    Is it wrong of us to assume this story ended with her becoming her supervisor's number two? I guess we'll never know.

    via imgur

    Here's a visual reenactment of how this story likely unfolded: Seeing This Woman Poop In An Elevator Is As Disgusting As Advertised (NSFW and Gross)

     

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    Once Playboy stopped featuring naked women in the pages of their magazine, a void was left in the hearts of men everywhere. Sure, you can literally find nudity around every corner on the internet, but it's not always this caliber of sexy.

    Fortunately, Lui Magazine (NSFW link because, you know, it's French) has stepped up to the plate, featuring not one, but three gorgeous -- and most importantly topless -- Brazilian cover models for their September issue. Those models names are Isabeli Fontana, Fernanda Liz and Lais Ribeiro, and they are looking mighty fine. Check out the tweet below containing all three covers:


    Of course, since these photos aren't exactly the kind of NSFW you were probably expecting, you can check out the uncensored versions on Maxim. We haven't been this excited for a magazine's release in months.

    Related: Charlotte McKinney Goes With Hand Bra Pose For GOSEE Magazine Cover

     

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    PETA has been known to push the envelope when it comes to their mission statement, which protects the rights of animals and urges a shift toward a vegetarian lifestyle. But no PETA ads have ever been quite as provocative as the ones featuring some of the hottest women in the business. From your favorite actresses to the sexiest models, we're giving you the dirtiest SFW spreads of PETA's boldest advertisements. (Depending on where you work, SFW is open to interpretation with these girls.)

    Pam Anderson
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Evelyn Lozada
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Helen Flanagan
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Jenna Jameson
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Joanna Krupa
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Joss Stone
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Kelly Brook
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Kristen Johnston
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Kym Johnson
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Louann von Brochwitz
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Lucy Watson
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Olivia Munn
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Sofia Sisniega
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Sophie Monk
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Alexandra Burke
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Suzanne McCabe
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Angela Simmons
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Claudelle Deckert
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Elen Rivas
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls


    Miss USA (Alyssa Campanella, Shanna Moakler, Shandi Finnessey, Susie Castillo)
    PETA sexy ads, hot PETA models, sexy girls

     

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    The power of film is on full display in the list below, as each and every entry is a movie that philosophically spins you in another direction. These films were highly influential, and have helped shape the mind you read here. Fair warning: if you don't want to turn out to be a free thinker, unencumbered by such stultifying concepts as time and space and guilt and facts, then perhaps you need not expose yourself to such visionary fare. But if you dare to seek, then perhaps you, too, can free your mind enough to allow your own self to believe you're actually a foot taller than you are.

    "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
    movies that make you rethink everything, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
    This list blew up in a hurry, so I had to be a bit more ruthless than I wanted to be, which means picking one of two Jim Carey films. So "The Truman Show" is getting the boot, though it certainly merits placement. (Sorry, list making is a tough business.) But while both films will make you question the very existence of reality, or at least the very perception of it, Michel's Gondry and Charlie Kaufman's masterpiece is the winner. Sure, both films make a powerful case for perception determining reality, but only in "Sunshine" does that come with a hopeful future where one can completely forget about their ex.


    "Dead Poets Society"
    movies that make you rethink everything, dead poet's society
    Just because "The Truman Show" didn't make the cut, that doesn't mean director Peter Weir should be left out. And few movies have made me rethink everything as much as "Dead Poets Society." Most people start to see things in a much more "carpe diem" light after seeing this one. While that's certainly world-turning stuff, I also learned a different lesson from Neil Perry killing himself because his dad didn't want him dressing up like a nymph: f**k Shakespeare. That's a lesson that's changed my life for the better. Once you shake off such time-honored beliefs about what society holds sacred, that's when you can really start carpe diem-ing with the best of 'em.


    "Inception"
    movies that make you rethink everything, inception
    Another tough choice, this time between not two, but four Christopher Nolan movies: "Inception," "Interstellar," "The Prestige" and "Memento." All four question everything we've ever been taught about the elasticity of time and space, and all four f**k with your brain in their own unique and twisted way. But for me, "Inception" is the one that comes closest to a possible reality. For how else can you explain reality except to say that it is very much a dream state? Should you need more proof than the fact that I actually think I'm living a dream by writing lists for Mandatory -- which had to be an idea planted by someone far less intelligent than me -- then perhaps you don't believe in the reality of dreams at all.


    "Waking Life"
    movies that make you rethink everything, waking life
    "Your life is yours to create" is a powerful message to grasp, especially for someone trying to find their way in the world, as many of Richard Linklater's characters are wont to do. Many of his ideas appeal to the young and miserable, who wouldn't mind shedding such a shackling reality. But while some of his other films convey messages more subtly, "Waking Life" is by far the most overtly philosophical, getting into ideas as complex as ideating itself. If you can grasp all the reality-questioning theories explored within, then you could probably parlay that into an undergrad philosophy degree from Phoenix University. So give it a shot.


    "Fight Club"
    movies that make you rethink everything, fight club
    Like every list, a lot of this comes down to how I was personally affected by the entry. And few films have had a more lasting effect on my way of life than David Fincher's "Fight Club." I was ready to burn down Corporate America after I first saw it. And everything's been different since, as I actually haven't held an office job again, for fear of punching myself repeatedly in the face. But I still love IKEA. Sorry, Tyler.


    "Super Size Me"
    movies that make you rethink everything, super size me
    Another film that fundamentally changed everything about the way I actually live (because it ruined McDonald's for me), and therefore made life far less worth living while at the same time insuring that I would live longer.


    "The Matrix"
    movies that make you rethink everything, the matrix
    This film allows you to realize that life is more than what it appears to be. But it also makes a pretty good case for taking pills to make you forget about that reality.


    "Into the Wild"
    movies that make you rethink everything, into the wild
    I grew up in Colorado, so I fancied myself a bit of an outdoorsman and an environmentalist, which in turn helped me develop a less-is-more philosophy. I have no idea why I also became distrustful of hierarchical society in general, but it's just another thing I have in common with Christopher McCandless, the young man whose life and death inspired this film. Perhaps in knowing I had so much in common with such a man messed me up, especially after seeing what ultimately became of him -- dying alone on a frozen tundra that his own hubris led him to in the first place. So consequently, since viewing the film, I've given up camping and started rigorously amassing worldly possessions and feeling much better about consuming in general.


    "The Lobster"
    movies that make you rethink everything, the lobster
    I used to believe in love. Then I got married. And sometime after that I saw this bizarre film, which ruthlessly attacks the timeless institutions of love and marriage by presenting a land where those unfit for love are turned into animals. The good news is that if you are unfit, you get to choose which animal you want to end up as. Or you can go out into the woods and hang out with the rest of the unloved losers -- though you're not allowed to love any of them -- and hide from all the couples out there making a daily forage into the woods to hunt you down. All of this basically made my boring idea of love and marriage seem all the more enticing.


    "Life of Pi"
    movies that make you rethink everything, life of pi
    This film helps you learn that man is a formidable beast in his own right. When faced with unbearable hardship, he can transcend his dire lot by using the power of his own mind. It also makes a pretty good case for killing off the hyena population.


    "Magnolia"
    movies that make you rethink everything, magnolia
    I don't know if I've ever fully understood why P.T. Anderson unleashed those raining toads upon what had been, up until that point, a very realistic film. But I understood on a visceral level what that amphibious rain meant: It just doesn't matter. Even if the apocalypse is coming, even if God is sending down plagues in your direction, the necessary sequence of events is going to occur. The universe will go on chugging, as it was gassed up to do. It is, as it must be, and must always be. Which does make you rethink everything, but isn't exactly helpful information to learn. However, I have greatly benefited from another eye-opening aspect of the film: the girl-getting philosophy of Tom Cruise's self-help guru Frank Mackey, which basically boils down to "Respect The Cock, Tame The Cunt."

     

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    The long weekend is almost here, which means that you really just need to hang in there for one more day. Though the true slacking off won't begin until tomorrow, why not get a little practice in by getting lost in the latest roundup of the funniest GIFs this week had to offer? After all, your boss wouldn't possibly fire you on a Thursday; it's just not good business sense.

    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week, randy's donuts boobs
    Damn...that's a big donut.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    Cross that off your bucket list. Am I using that right?


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week, cat walks on feet
    Do your little turn on the catwalk. Wait, am I using that right?


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    That's pretty funny, but I think we can do better.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    Yeah, that's more like it.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    That's technically a new long jump record, at least.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    Like a glove.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    So that's why mom always said "no ball in the house."


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    Beer=good. Belly=bad. Beer belly=hilarious. Beer + Beer belly=hilariously good/bad.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    I'm just as confused as the cat.


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    I've heard of depantsing, but repantsing?


    funny gifs, funniest gifs of the week
    Nailed it.

    Speaking of, last week's hilarious GIFs.

     

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  • 09/01/16--04:50: Today's Funny Photos
  • So how do we celebrate now that we are one day away from Friday, which means we are closer to the weekend? By looking at these hilarious photos, of course. My therapist says I have to keep doing these because they distract me from the horrors of life. So let's stop on that bright note and enjoy these funnies!

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31



    Today's Funny Photos
    Tell your mom about our Funny Photos.

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31
    Tell your dad about our Funny Photos, too.

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31

    Today's Funny Photos 8/31
    No, we're serious, tell everyone about our Funny Photos.

     

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    Ever feel inadequate? Ever wish you could transform into a modern-day Lothario for just 24 hours? Well, study the following men. You might never be a movie star, a basketball icon or an American Idol judge, but you could...well, let's face it, you're never going to have sex with 2,000 women. We present to you -- The 2K Club.

    Jack Nicholson: 2,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Kate Moss, Margaret Trudeau
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, jack nicholson
    Remember that scene in "The Departed" when a coked-out Frank Costello throws nose candy on those prostitutes? This might've been adopted from Jack Nicholson's real life. Probably. The man who was by his own admission raised by women grew to love them every which way, and he's reportedly defiled over 2,000 of them.

    According to Jack, he's slept with women of every legal age, including their mothers (see the mother of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau above). Let's hope some of those legal women weren't above the age of 60, or else he would've gotten into some pretty gray territory. Today, the 79-year-old thespian legend leads a quiet life, enjoying yacht rides with models and playing dad to his five children from four different women. Hey, it comes with the territory.


    Simon Cowell: 2,080 women
    Notable Conquests: Lauren Silverman, Sinetta, Carmen Electra
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, simon cowell
    From 1980 to 2000, the American Idol judge and millionaire music producer bagged two women a week. In 2010 he came clean, saying, "Yes, I've had sex with 2,000 women." Smug, prissy and undeniably metro, many thought he was gay. But that was probably just a front to get them to let down their guard. Here's a young Simon Cowell in 1987. His trick: "I like women. I just like them. I like flirting and I like to listen." Men, listen. And learn to say things like "ghastly" in a posh British accent.


    Gene Simmons: 4,800 women
    Notable Conquests: Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman, Farrah Fawcett
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, gene simmons
    Poor Brad. We'll get to more Angie later. After 37 years of touring with KISS, one journalist asked Gene Simmons how many women he slept with. "A lot of them didn't get any sleep," he replied. Some of you are probably in doubt, but in an interview with British tabloid The Sun, he was frank: "It's 4,800. I took Polaroid photos for a long time. I took photos of the vast majority. It just proves you can be an ugly bastard and if you've got the right job you'll have the access." OK, then.


    Charlie Sheen: 5,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Denise Richards, Winona Ryder, Melanie Rios
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, charlie sheen
    "I don't pay prostitutes for sex, I pay them to leave." When it came to light in 2014 that Charlie Sheen had contracted HIV, the media reported that he could soon be sued by 700 women. In addition to ladies of the night, casual groupies and possibly the occasional chinchilla, sources have said that he even "cohabited" with a dozen men and transsexuals. He spent $1 million on hookers in 2013, leading one to believe that his brother Emilio is quite the laggard.


    Warren Beatty: 12,775 women
    Notable Conquests: Madonna, Diane Keaton, Annette Bening
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, warren beatty
    Um, what? In 2010, Beatty biographer Peter Biskind dropped the bomb. In his book, "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America," he wrote the number was around "12,775, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on."

    Yes, Beatty has porked the population of a small town. He lost his virginity at 20, meaning that over the course of the next 35 years, he had sex with two woman per day. Possible, seeing as though in the 1960s he was quite the handsome chap. According to one of his bones, Joan Collins, "He never stops. It must be all those vitamins he takes."


    Fidel Castro: 35,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Slaves
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, fidel castro
    Journalist Ann Louise Bardach once asked the totalitarian Cuban dictator how many children he had. "Almost a tribe," an aide said. From 1959 to 2008, Fidel Castro was the leader of Cuba, and legend has it that he amassed more than 35,000 flames during his 49-year reign. I say "flames" because he probably threatened to burn them to death if they rejected him.

    According to the New York Post, best-selling author Ian Halperin interviewed an ex-Castro official named Ramon who said, "He slept with at least two women a day for more than four decades -- one for lunch and one for supper. Sometimes he even ordered one for breakfast."


    Ron Jeremy: 3,000 to 4,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Tera Patrick, Amber Lynn
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, ron jeremy
    What can we say about The Hedgehog that hasn't been said? He bangs. With a 14-girl scene and more than 800 pornos under his belt, Ron Jeremy himself estimates the official number to be between 3,000 and 4,000.


    Dennis Rodman: 2,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Madonna, Carmen Electra
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, dennis rodman
    He was a shy boy. He lost his virginity at 20, but only because his friends paid a prostitute $20 to have sex with him. From there, the famous Bull became a literal bull in the bone department. But let's focus on Madonna, because it's hilarious.

    Dennis Rodman never used condoms until he had sex with Madonna. Smart. "She wanted to get pregnant really bad," he wrote in his autobiography "Bad As I Wanna Be." Madonna allegedly told him, "I want every drop of your cum inside me. I won't let it go because I want to have your baby." Once again, smart on the condoms, Rod. He also never gave oral sex to Madonna. This guy deserves a Nobel Prize! In 2010, years after the aging succubus tried stealing his seed, Rodman totaled the number at 2,000, but "500 of them were gold diggers."


    Mick Jagger: 4,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman, Farrah Fawcett
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, mick jagger
    David Bowie was allegedly one of them. The Rolling Stones singer, according to biographer Chris Andersen, "has slept with 4,000 women over the course of his life, and in retrospect, I think that might be kind of a low figure." The 73-year-old is still touring -- a testament to his stamina, which is now officially Guinness-worthy.


    Wilt Chamberlain: 20,000 women
    Notable Conquests: Lynda Huey
    famous men who have had sex with over 2,000 women, men who slept with 2000 women, wilt chamberlain
    We've all heard the tale. Some of us have digested it with wonderment. But at one point in his life, the greatest scorer in NBA history rolled over in bed to his girlfriend Lynda Huey and said, "What's a zero between friends?" To some, this implies one of the zeroes was exaggerated, a myth, a boastful number to make his legend grow taller. Which makes sense, because 20,000 is f**king impossible.

    As the math goes, if Wilt started having sex at age 15 and over 40 years laid pipe to 20,000 women, he would've had to have sex with 500 girls every year, or 1.4 a day. In 1999, Chamberlain had some final words on his life of sex and hoops right before he died. "Having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I've learned in my life. I've (also) found out that having one woman a thousand different times is more satisfying."

     

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    With the last days of summer on the horizon, we need one last hurrah over Labor Day weekend to make it count. Consider some of these the best getaway places to go over the long weekend, because we both know Disneyland is going to be packed with greasy people and giant sweaty furries. But for the love of all that is holy, do not go to Las Vegas, unless you like loud noises, HPV and losing all your money.

    Sequoia National Park
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Of all the best national parks, Sequoia offers the clean water of low-lying streams mixed with the high-flying trees. You may need to check up on camping do's and don'ts before you do, but once you're out there, it's one of the best places to set up camp.

    Big Bear Lake
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Boating, hiking, getting lost in the woods with no cell signal: These are just a few of the things you can find in the wonderful land of Big Bear Lake. If you can find lodging, this is the place to be as the sun sets on summer. If we can offer a suggestion, get some friends out on a pontoon (with very functional life vests) and practice your 12-ounce curls while you work hard on your last tan lines of 2016.

    San Onofre State Beach
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Beach camping is the best. You back up in the sand, pop the tailgate and get a better view than any five-star hotel. Get out in the water, play with the pups, cook your dinner over the fire pit and then dance naked under the stars until someone calls a park ranger on you.

    Glacier National Park
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    In terms of national parks, Glacier ranks one of the most awe-inspiring, given that Montana is one of the last great untouched places in America. Enjoy it while you can before someone builds a parking lot on top of it, but also before it gets cold. If you're a bit of a traveler, Glacier ranks up top of must-see places to pop a terrible selfie.

    Yosemite National Park
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    If you're terrified of camping alone and being eaten by bears, this is a great time to go to Yosemite, when there are plenty of other campers around to get eaten. In terms of hikes, this is easily a great place to do a multi-day jaunt, mixing mountain cliffs of El Capitan with woods and waterfalls of Bridalveil Fall. Stroll into Yosemite Village for a bit of lodging, shops, great galleries and restaurants.

    Snoqualmie Falls
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    If you can make your way to the upper northwest of America into Washington, you'll get some rural gems east of urban areas like Seattle. If you're into raging waterfalls, this is a good one to catch, but if you're into pancakes, this is the place to go to see what all the fuss is about.

    Colter Bay
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Now, if it's pizza and scenery you're after, Colter Bay might be the trick. Follow traveling photographers like @bohemian.dreamer on Instagram for plenty of tips of where to go. Places like Colter Bay remain a quiet option among busy park places and other outdoor weekend adventures.

    Arches National Park
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Utah, another great state with underrated views, hosts Arches National Park, a monument of sandstone arches along the Colorado River. Check out Devils Garden and Balanced Rock, or just get chased by some wildlife. Either way, it's a great workout with plenty of opportunities for a sexy Instagram shot.

    Yellowstone
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    This volcanic hot spot is likely enjoyed during its dormant moments, and Labor Day weekend seems like the best of those kinds of days. This massive national park, primarily displayed in Wyoming, also reaches into the beautiful outback of Montana and Idaho. If you're hoping to run into some elk or antelope, scream at some bears or howl with the wolves, maybe Yellowstone is just a Labor Day away.

    Big Sur
    The Best Getaway Places for Labor Day Weekend
    Lined along the northern edge of California, Big Sur needs no introduction, especially if you watched the "Mad Men" finale as many times as we did. With ancient hot springs hanging off the high cliffs, a road that runs along the edge, a library commemorating one of Big Sur's greatest authors (Henry Miller) and a coffee shop that understands the importance of caffeine while camping, Big Sur is easily the best in California for decompressing and upping your Instagram following. Or you could just shut off your phone this Labor Day and live your actual life. You pick.

     

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    I won't deny the fact that I'm a terrible cook, and if it wasn't for the numerous delivery services out there I would probably starve to death. But I shouldn't feel too bad because it seems there are more people like me out there, and one of them is a dude named Warren who received the best cookbook ever, written by his sister.

    An imgur user shared the cookbook she made as a gift for her "kitchen challenged" brother, and with the title "Recipes You Absolutely Can't Fuck Up," you definitely know where this is headed. From "not on the toilet kind" curry, to cream cheese spaghetti bake in case Warren ever "manages to bring a girl over," this is a gift that keeps on giving.

    Check it out below:

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother

    Girl Makes Hilarious, Profanity-Filled Cookbook For Kitchen Challenged Brother
    I think I'll save this for future reference.

    These folks should save it, too: These People Tried To Cook For Their Significant Others And Failed Miserably

     

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    This isn't the first time and definitely won't be the last time we hear of a guy going bonkers over being rejected by a woman. And with every rejection comes a different reaction, so while one rejected dude might respond with nothing but cringe, another rejected guy will respond with nothing but passive aggressive comments. But let's check out how the tool below reacted to being rejected by a girl he met on Tinder and continued talking to through text.

    It all kicked off with an odd question by him, and then everything spun out of control.

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl

    Rejected Dude On Tinder Absolutely Loses His Mind On Girl
    Dude used his mom to get laid. He's going to get haunted big time.

    Via imgur

    Now check these dudes out: 11 Guys Who Seem To Have A Difficult Time Handling Rejection

     

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    Whether you'd like to admit it or not, everyone has seen those porn clips that kick off with a guy informing us that he's a fake casting agent who will be holding porn auditions that will obviously end up in sex. Well the video below is similar, the only difference is the guy auditioning these porn stars claims to have never seen porn, and it quickly shows when he begins messing with the women.

    Porn stars Joanna Angel, Nickey Huntsman and Alex Chance visit comedian Ross Everett in hopes of landing a porn gig, but things don't turn out the way they expected. Check it out below:


    Never knew watching someone play Bop It could be so erotic.

    These are the things that matter: Porn Stars Casually Reveal The Kinkiest Stuff They've Ever Done

     

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    The quest for the coveted orgasm is a treasured one. Some will even go as far as to have sex with an inanimate object to get their rocks off. For instance, you might have recently heard about the man who managed to have sex with a McChicken sandwich from McDonald's and film it.

    I'd like to say this isn't something that doesn't happen a lot, but if I did I'd be lying, as evidenced by the many news stories released on the subject. Look below at some of the most bizarre objects people have managed to have actual sex with. I guess it is true: Guys will f**k just about anything.

    1. A Dirty Sidewalk Couch
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    A couch is a pretty common piece of furniture to have sex "on," but to have sex "with" a couch is not nearly as common. According to reports, 47-year-old Gerard Streator was caught by a New York City policeman "thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.

    When the officer noticed the nonsense, he understandably shouted, "What are you doing?" and Streator ran away into the night with a fully erect penis. He was eventually caught and sentenced to five months in jail.


    2. Some Uncooked Pizza
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Reddit-user casualiama confessed to something not-so-casual when he admitted to having sex with some uncooked pizza dough. "In short, it was one of the best things in my life," he passionately added.

    To make this odd interaction newsworthy, lady-tome Cosmopolitan spoke to an expert (Dr. Allison) about potential dangers associated with fornicating with pizza pie. Here's her professional advice: "Well, if your guy enjoys boinking pizza dough, be sure that he uses a condom. Not because he risks getting the pizza pregnant, but because you don't want to get a yeast infection from the yeast in the dough." Well, then. Good to know.


    3. An Innocent Picnic Table
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Art Price, 40, of Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table. The report adds that "Price was seen on four separate occasions, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon, having sex with the picnic table." Curious as to how a man can have sex with a picnic table? Let me clear things up for you: The table had a hole in the middle of it "intended" for an umbrella.


    4. A Not So Innocent Street Sign
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    A 60-year-old man in South Dakota was held on $10,000 bond for many things (including burglary), the most suspicious being that he was caught on two year's worth of film masturbating and "engaging in sex acts with traffic signs."

    While I'm not exactly sure how penetration with a traffic sign is possible, these two were clearly in an intimate, long-term relationship. Just leave them alone.


    5. A Drink Cart
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    A UK man was arrested for attempting to have sex with a drink cart while traveling to Glasgow on a train. In case you haven't guessed or it wasn't incredibly obvious, the humper was completely wasted. Andrew Davidson reportedly loved the booze cart so much, that he aggressively humped the cart while screaming, "I want to kiss you! I want to fuck you!"

    After his odd declaration, Davidson fell to the ground, began masturbating and continued his explicit narrative by shouting the obscene sexual things he wanted to do to his boyfriend, then tried to kiss a female passenger. When sober, Davidson admitted to everything and was sentenced to 100 hours of community service.


    6. A Laundry Basket
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Nobody likes doing laundry, except one housewife who takes the phrase literally. On an episode of "In The Bedroom With Dr. Laura" a sexually dissatisfied wife explains how she likes to hump the corner of her laundry basket to climax and that this was something she's done since college. She admits she prefers this interaction more than sex with her husband, Steve, who, she adds, has a mighty large penis. Good for him, I guess.


    7. An Inhabited Wasp's Nest
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Yes, you read that correctly. A 35-year-old Swedish man was foolish enough to have sex with a swarm of bees in the comforts of their own home. As a result, the man was found dead outside his farm with a total of 146 wasp stings, 54 of which were on his penis and balls.

    How did reports conclude that this was the result of fornication? Because they found the man's sperm on some of the dead wasps as well as an abundance of his public hair in their nest. Some pretty condemning evidence, I'd say. According to Snopes, this turned out to be untrue, but something tells us someone out there has been insane enough to try this.


    8. An ATM
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Surprise, surprise, another drunk guy. 49-year-old Lonnie Hutton casually strolled out of a bar to grab some cash at a nearby ATM in Nashville, Tennessee. Instead of whipping out his debit card though, Hutton instead pulled down his pants and underwear, whipped out his schlong and "attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM."

    Officers took Hutton aside mid-penetration and told him to sit at a wooden picnic table so that they could speak to him. Bad idea, because Hutton exposed himself yet again and began f**king the wooden picnic table. As a result, he was charged with public intoxication and booked into the Rutherford County jail on $250 bond.


    9. A Chunk Of Swiss Cheese
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    An actual real-life man, Christopher Pagano, 41, offered a woman money to watch him f**k a piece of Swiss cheese. We'd think this was fake too, but there's actual blurry, photographic evidence of this happening, and it's just as awkward as you'd expect it to be. He's since been dubbed the "Swiss Cheese Pervert." And that is that.


    10. The Eiffel Tower
    10 Bizarre Objects People Had Sex With That's Not A McChicken
    Erika La Tour Eiffel lives in San Francisco, but claims to have married the Eiffel Tower. Like. In France. Her first infatuation with an object was with "Lance," a bow that helped her become a world-class archer. Erika's admitted she's had sex with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom, as well. As for her new beau, the ceremony the two shared was reportedly intimate, with a handful of friends. As you can see, Erika took his surname.

     

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    Now before you all go rushing to follow Kaley Cuoco on Snapchat, just know that she doesn't have one of her own, and the original snap came from her stylist, Brad Goreski's Snapchat. And now you all can rush to become a certified stylist to a hot actress.

    If you're following Goreski's Snapchat for some reason you may have caught the moment Cuoco let one boob slip out of her robe, because things like that happen sometimes. You can check out the snap below, and I promise you that you will hate emojis even more now.

    Kaley Cuoco Flashes Her Boob On Snapchat
    Sure, Goreski as a creepy old man is pretty funny, but that heart emoji isn't as amusing.

    Speaking of not amusing, we all still hate "The Big Bang Theory," right?

    h/t Unilad

    Good going, Kaley: Kaley Cuoco And Her Cleavage Stole The Show At 'The Big Bang Theory' 200th Episode Celebration

     

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    A new school year means a clean slate, a fresh start for you to kick the year off on a good note, so naturally you put on your best outfit and get hyped up to get things going. And that was exactly what the little girl in these pictures did.

    Let's first take a look at how happy she looked before she headed out the door for her first day of school:

    This Little Girl's Before And After Pictures Of Her First Day Of School Is So Damn Relatable
    So much joy, so much hope.

    And now let's take a look at what she looked like after the first day of school when she realized she's going to have to do this for years to come:

    This Little Girl's Before And After Pictures Of Her First Day Of School Is So Damn Relatable
    Yep. Notice the look of fear in her eyes. She gets it.

    Here's a side-by-side look:

    This Little Girl's Before And After Pictures Of Her First Day Of School Is So Damn Relatable
    Hang in there, kid. We've all been there.

    Via imgur

    Now check out these tweets: 13 Tweets That Remind Us How Much We Hated The First Day Of School

     

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    Everyone loves a good, harmless prank, but you also have to be careful when you're pranking your girlfriend. You know, the girl who allows you to flop around with her naked. Because that's just one prank that might end up with you on her bad side.

    So while this guy pranked his girlfriend using a fake spider, and this guy pranked his lady using saran wrap, the guy below simply used numerous inviting signs. Check it out below:

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight

    Guy Trolls His Girlfriend In A Way That Will Have Him Sleeping On The Couch Tonight
    That sure is a lot of effort to go through to tell your girlfriend she's a slob.

    Via Izismile

    Try these out: 25 Cruelest Bathroom Pranks Sure To Piss Anyone Off

     

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    Everyone loves a good attractive criminal story, and fortunately, this one features two of them. Unfortunately, the following photos are likely the last time you'll see either of these women outside of a jail cell. That's because during Melina Roberge and Isabelle Lagace's lavish $15,000 cruise from Southampton, United Kingdom, to Sydney, Australia, over the last two months, the Canadian duo was secretly smuggling 200 pounds of nose candy into the Land Down Under.

    Speaking of down under, here's one of many photos taken by the pair as they chronicled their entire crime spree on their respective Instagram accounts:

    #LosGemelos 👯

    A photo posted by Isza (@belliszaa) on


    Apparently, they were shooting for the whole "hidden in plain sight" strategy as far as their master plan was concerned. But once Australian authorities uncovered what is now considered to be the single largest drug bust via boat or plane in Australia's history, they were taken into custody and charged with importing a commercial quantity of cocaine. They now face life imprisonment if convicted.

    But enough of all the legal mumbo jumbo; let's get back to those sweet vacation pics featuring all the fun and excitement these ladies had in Ireland, Peru, Tahiti and everywhere in between. It's what you came here for, after all.

    First time in Papeete and not the last one ✌🏼️🌏

    A photo posted by @melinar___ on



    Collect moments, not things. #Tahiti 🌺🍈

    A photo posted by Isza (@belliszaa) on



    Gone to a place very peaceful • leave a message after the tone 🌎💦

    A photo posted by @melinar___ on





    In my top 5 for sure 📍🌴 #equateur

    A photo posted by @melinar___ on



    #NoFilter #Bermuda #WorldCruise2016 🐙⚓️

    A photo posted by Isza (@belliszaa) on


    h/t Uproxx

    Related: Woman Accused of Committing 42 Break-Ins Is the Most Attractive Crook You Will Look at Today

     

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  • 09/02/16--04:27: Today's Funny Photos
  • The long Labor Day weekend is finally here, which means you aren't reading a word of this intro. Therefore, I'm just going to close it out with some actual Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics that tried equally as hard as I am as I frantically edit the rest of my work and dash out the door like the rest of you: K-i-s-s-i-n-g/Chicka chicka dee/Do me like a banshee/Low brow is how/Swimming in the sound/Of bow wow wow/Aw, baby, do me now/Do me here I do allow.

    Have a safe and fun weekend, folks!

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz
    Funny Photos and cannonballs practically go hand in hand.

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz
    Have our Funny Photos ever let you down?

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz

    funny photos, funny memes, funny pics, lolz
    You know what to do -- party hearty!...(and check out yesterday's Funny Photos **cough cough**).

     

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    Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.

    Follow @robfee on Twitter.


    Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.

     

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    It was less than 20 years ago that making a call from the car was for life-threatening emergencies only. Now look at us: We can't stop with the texting and snapping of chats, and making calls from the car is now so far gone it's considered lame. Nay, psychotic. Now imagine what would happen if you were suddenly without this thing you rely so heavily upon.

    10 Unexpected Perks of Shutting Off Your Cell Phone

    You might find some unexpected perks from shutting off your cell phone. So I implore you, especially you -- the Twitter generation -- to take a day, even an hour (hell, a minute) to lock your phone in its holster with no intent to draw and just simply live the life in front of you. You might find some of these perks in it for you, perhaps more.

    Your body feels like new.
    In 2015, it was reported that people spend upwards of five hours each day on their mobile devices. Add sleep to that, and there's more than half the day. That's half your life wasted right there. Should you set the devices -- phones, laptops, tablets -- aside, you'll be amazed how refreshed your finger, wrists and eyes feel in comparison. No, don't go binge Netflix. Go outside and be present for your life.

    Your anxiety is sufficiently decreased.
    Did he get my text? Is my text going through? Why hasn't he responded to my text? Let me check my email. Quick Instagram post. Tweet about how silly texting is. Where is my text dammit!?
    It's maddening to have a serious relationship with your phone, one in which you impatiently wait for it to send you things, then the rest of the time you spend responding to so many things you become numb to the good things that happen in your life. Removing that need to check, respond and judge everything happening inside a device will remove all sorts of anxiety you're unaware of. You'll feel lighter, happier and, ironically, more connected to the world.

    10 Unexpected Perks of Shutting Off Your Cell Phone

    You won't miss the plot of the movie.
    How many times have you thrown on a movie, only to be sidetracked by your phone while you attempt to multitask? After all, you multitask with the best of them. Fast forward 90 minutes later, and you have no idea how Timmy got in that well in the first place.

    Not only will you be able to keep up with movies, you won't be the terrible person asking your annoyed friends obvious plot questions during the climactic part of the film. If you're going to be on your phone -- that bright light and annoying ringtone everyone shares -- make yourself useful and pop some corn for the people who aren't coked out on sexy Instagram stories.

    You begin to notice certain things more.
    When walking down the street without your phone in your face, you'll notice jasmine is in bloom; it's your favorite time of year; and maybe, just maybe, you'll get to see a shitty couple fighting and scratching each other's eyes out. The alternative would be to keep your head in your phone, find your Pokémon and eventually get hit in a crosswalk, unable to tweet how much your life sucks.

    10 Unexpected Perks of Shutting Off Your Cell Phone

    You're actually nice to be around.
    The only thing worse than being on a date with someone on their phone is being with a friend without benefits on their phone. You can't get a full sentence out and get a full one in return without the wifi signal coming between you.

    Setting the phone aside for a few hours each day to have a meaningful connection is not only key, it's crucial. People spend so much time trying to keep up with everyone else when the obvious solution is right in front of them, but they ignore it in the name of a timely Facebook comment.

    You have time for more important things.
    How many times have you gone to a concert or art show in the last couple years and said, "Oh, I wish I could do that more, but I never have the time." Well, if you laid off swiping right for an hour, set down the selfie stick and picked up a pencil, you'd be amazed at how much you can accomplish. Artists aren't immune to technology; they're disciplined. Teach yourself a little discipline and create something actually worthwhile you can be proud of. Because we both know no amount of Tinder matches is going to make you happy.

    You have time for new things.
    Hell, people don't even have time to get loaded anymore. Instead, they're too busy documenting their lives with videos nobody cares about. If you can make the time, learn something new. Have you ever driven a motorcycle? Shot an arrow alone in the woods? Hopped on a plane on a whim? Do something adventurous with your life before you're an old, arthritic mess who can't climb the stairs. You know what, screw making time for new things. Just make time for anything.

    10 Unexpected Perks of Shutting Off Your Cell Phone

    You're getting better sleep.
    Staring at your phone from dawn to dusk and then carrying it into bed with you will screw with your head while you're trying to sleep. Devices should not only be turned off an hour before bed, they shouldn't be in the same room as where you sleep. Bedrooms were made for primitive beings who need only two or three things for survival. Bringing your phone to bed will give you nightmares, and one of them will be the look on your girlfriend's face when she sees you texting during sex. And try having an actual relationship for once. Don't be a chicken shit.

    10 Unexpected Perks of Shutting Off Your Cell Phone

    You're present.
    Phones tend to drum up the past with all the photo memories and gossipy texts, but they also have you on alert for the future with the constant barrage of notifications and reminders. Anchor yourself in the present moment; feel the tingle in your veins you get when you're completely still; and remind yourself that this is all you need. The rest is just noise. The more present you are, we promise, the happier you'll become.

    Ironically, you're more connected to the world.
    As we said before, there's a great irony in a world that tries so hard to create new addictive gimmicks and tricks for your phone in order to bring us closer together. The irony being that the more Snapchats, Tinders and Periscopes we invent, the less connected we'll become. One day you'll look up at your parents and realize they're old; your dog will suddenly be missing an eye; and you won't have a goddamn clue what the hell is going on. So, again, we urge you: Shut off your damn cell phone for once.

     

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    In the wild and wet hot history of television, there have been a select number of shows that have challenged the norm by going against tradition. From no longer relying on laugh tracks to groundbreaking hot button issues, these nontraditional shows changed the course of TV, in format, character and story design. We just cannot stop bingeing.

    "The Office"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: American mockumentary without studio laughter.

    Of course prefaced by the better BBC mockumentary (or was the American version better?), Steve Carell's "Office" was huge for paving the path of America's small-screen shows in the removal of the so-relied-upon laugh track. In addition, the show featured the characters in a mockumentary style of isolated interviews in a separate room, which served as extra commentary and comedic delivery. Also, it somehow made Creed creepier.

    "Breaking Bad"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Transform the main character from hero to villain.

    Of all the TV shows with characters who drastically change, "Breaking Bad'" was one of the first to polarize us with the transformation of any main character into the villain of the story. Walter White, a seemingly incapable pushover, working two jobs (neither of which he was respected in) and failing to support his family became the money-thirsty drug lord who used cancer as a crutch to run his meth flag up the pole, all the while under his DEA agent brother-in-law's nose.

    "Better Call Saul"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Spinoff with potential to outdo its origin.

    Not since Frasier's meek number have we seen a follow-up show hit right on the money, possibly more on the money than the early seasons of its origin story, "Breaking Bad." While Vince Gilligan delivered one of the best TV dramas the first time around, he's got a good feel for his characters with "Better Call Saul," and he's teasing us with "Breaking Bad" gems to up the ante on his comeback prequel. While most aren't nearly as indulged as they were with Walter White's story, Saul Goodman is slowly reeling us in after only two seasons.


    "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Low-budget cult buddy show.

    If you look back to the first few seasons of "Sunny," you'll get a dose of what feels like a home video, but after three or four seasons, the cult comedy started getting its due, and with the improvement of televisions and camera resolutions, what once was a low-budget look to a buddy comedy is now one of the longest currently running comedies in American television.

    "Horace & Pete"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Internet show with zero marketing.

    Delivered more like a 10-act play, Louis C.K. dumped his bank account into his quietly sold new project, "Horace & Pete." With a star-studded cast of top-shelf actors, including Alan Alda, Edie Falco, Steve Buscemi and Louis himself, the show is gaining traction, but not from any help with marketing. The show, a "tragedy rather than comedy," was sent out via email from Louis himself, offering people episodes at different prices, not engaging in the usual promotional warfare. A dark comedy, shot well and written better, people might be thrown off that not every line in the show is a joke, but then again, Louis seems to think the cast and writing speak for themselves, enough to barely plug it.

    "True Detective"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: TV miniseries with revolving film actors.

    HBO has had a number of groundbreaking hits from the classic "Sopranos" to their newer "The Leftovers." However, "True Detective" dared explore another route with the premium service as a miniseries with revolving film actors. These are your typical cop stories, as "True Detective" shares a kinship with literary existentialism and near-ancient, late 1800s crime neo-noirs, thanks to its writer, Nic Pizzolatto. What started with an unprecedented debut season with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson led to a less-appreciated though still carefully crafted follow-up with more film actors, including Colin Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Rachel McAdams.

    "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Niche internet series only a genius could pull off.

    It may have the largest number of cozy TV coffee shops, given that it changes each episode, but a series itself about a guy who likes cars and coffee and talking would never have been possible if it weren't for Jerry Seinfeld. His decades-long career as a standup comedian, along with co-creating the greatest sitcom in history, led him to roll the dice and peel some rubber, combining his interests with a revolving car door of comedian guests, both young and old.

    "The Affair"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: A multi-perspective story within each episode.

    There's nothing fascinating about a multi-angle show or a flashback scene, but a show that tells the same story from multiple interlacing perspectives within the same episode, the details of which vary depending on the perspective, is revolutionary and captivating in a way we've never felt before. Showtime started us off with two perspectives for the first season to whet our whistles, but season two gave us twice the excitement, bouncing back and forth from episode to episode. Should be interesting to see what they have in store for the third season this November.

    "Beverly Hills 90210"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Teen drama tackles major adolescent issues & paves way for hundreds others.

    Laugh all you want, but the original "90210" had it all: hot '90s babes, hunky dudes, fancy homes, fancier cars, sex, drugs, death and drama all beautifully rolled into one nostalgic package. The series itself spawned a reboot and a number of similar shows, none of which seem to last as long or jump-start as many careers.

    "Curb Your Enthusiasm"
    10 Nontraditional Shows That Changed the Course of TV
    Claim to Fame: Premium network improv show with real comedians on no time constraint.

    Not only is "Curb" an almost entirely improv-shot show, they make it whenever the big guy, L.D., is in the mood. With eight seasons in the bucket, including a redo spoof on the "Seinfeld" finale, Larry David recently announced his plans to return for a ninth season, which will likely be overflowing with his genuine rage for the general public in the most honestly appealing way imaginable.
    And if you don't believe us, maybe it's time you checked out our Larry David Guide to Being a Decent, Sensible Human Being. It's "prettay, prettaaaay, pritty good!"

     

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