When I'm old, hunchbacked and gray, I can only hope I possess the same zest for life these codgers do. It's apparent that your sex drive never fades; it only strengthens with time or lack of sex. Hence, we've ranked the 10 greatest horny old people headlines of all time. Don't judge, just laugh.
#10 - 105-Year-Old Woman Requests Hunky Firefighters for Her Birthday![horny old people news stories]()
On August 18, a woman in Crawcrook, England, turned 105. What did she want for her birthday? A team of hunky firefighters to crawl through her window in a faux rescue operation. The century-old Ivena Smailes requested the present, and the Tyne and Wear Fire and Rescue Service obliged. Smailes told
ABC News,"It was great! Out of this world." Why did the fire and rescue team do it? "All because the lady loves a burly firefighter," they wrote on Facebook. Smailes said next year she would like to meet Prince Harry -- which is possibly another attempt to meet a hunk.
#9 - Two Teenagers Tie 84-Year-Old Sugar Daddy Up for 20 Hours![horny old people news stories]()
SeekingArrangement.com
bills itself as a site where "arrangements" can be sought, mostly of the sexual kind. But one fateful day in 2014, octogenarian Paul Aronson would play the sugar daddy card too hard, and end up the fool. He contacted 17-year-old Shaina Foster through the website. They went on one date. On the second date, Foster brought along her twin sister. They dined at an expensive restaurant in Midtown, and they went back to Aronson's posh brick townhouse located on East 38th Street. He poured them raspberry-flavored rum. Then they tied him to a coffee table using zip ties and proceed to steal $470 in cash and his credit cards. They spent the night buying clothes and makeup.
When Aronson brought the high schoolers to court, Shaina couldn't understand his epic levels of chutzpah: "He asked to do things I wasn't going to do. He is ugly, old and disgusting. I tied him up. I took his money and left. He was starting to creep me out." What a way to go out.
#8 - Four Men -- Ages 85, 77, 72 and 67 -- Caught Banging in Parking Lot![horny old people news stories]()
I'm all for homosexuality. In the 21st century, I say let your multicolored flag fly. But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. In July, police in Danbury, Connecticut, received numerous complaints that
something gross was happening in the parking lot of a public park. So they set up surveillance cameras. Over the span of several days, these candid cameras picked up Michael Melnick, 85, Pat Barbato, 77, Stuart Sherr, 72, and Jay Doyle, 67, banging like cymbals in a car. All of them were charged with public indecency.
#7 - 92-Year-Old Woman Fires Guns at Neighbor's Home After He Refuses to Kiss Her![horny old people news stories]()
Helen Staudinger -- an old leathery woman who has seen some shit judging by her
mugshot -- was peeved to high heaven in 2011 when her neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, didn't kiss her. So she did what any sane, logical, 92-year-old person would do: took a semi-automatic pistol and fired four shots at his house.
"If my head would have been over just a little bit further, a bullet probably would have hit me in the back of the head," Bettner said. According to the official story, Staudinger entered his home uninvited and he told her to, "Get your ass out of my house." She said she wouldn't go unless he kissed her. He slammed the door in her face and then Staudinger popped caps. She told the Ocala Star Banner he was a "smooth talker" who would sometimes give her a peck on the lips or cheek, and they would sometimes go to dinner. Bettner denied those claims, but he did say he kissed her on the cheek once out of politeness.
You stuck your tongue in her mouth, didn't you, you freak? Anyway. The crazy old horndog was placed in jail on $15,000 bail.
#6 - Nursing Home Buys 85-Year-Old Woman a Male Stripper, Son Sues![horny old people news stories]()
"Vile" is the word he used to describe the event. One January day in 2014, Franklin Youngblood
found a picture of a jacked up male stripper grinding his 85-year-old mom. We weren't there to see it, but we speculate Franklin threw the picture down and yelled "AH HELL NAH." His mother, Bernice Youngblood -- whose blood is far from young -- is seen stuffing dollars down the stripper's underwear.
Franklin said his mother lacks the physical and mental capacity to make such a decision, which is quite condescending and ageist to say the least. "I felt terrible. I was shaken and going on." Bro, let your mom get some beef. The facility's attorney rebutted, "There is nothing inappropriate about it," and his case was bolstered by the fact that 16 people on the nursing home panel approved it.
#5 - Senior Citizen Has Penis Amputated After Viagra Overdose![horny old people news stories]()
In the headline we said these are the "best" horny old people moments, but this moment was far from the best for
Gentil Ramirez Polania. In 2013, the 66-year-old Colombian farmer knowingly ingested too much Viagra to impress his new girlfriend. What happened next to his penis wasn't "gentil" at all.
It got inflamed, gangrenous, and fractured. He had a boner for several days. Luckily, surgeons got to work, and according to Dr. Antonio Correa, "The patient showed bruising on the testicles and penis, was treated and is recovering well." The punchline: This all took place in a town called Gigantic.
#4 - Old Woman on the Cusp of 70 Is Arrested for Drunken Public Sex![horny old people news stories]()
If you haven't heard of The Villages, we envy you. This Florida retirement community is home to some of the rankest sexual activity on the face of the earth. STD rates there are among the highest in all of America. It's where old people go to rest...on each other. In the summer of 2014, police found 68-year-old
Margaret Ann Klemm naked, drunk and visibly horned. Her flame, the 20-years-younger David Bobilya, had his pants around his ankles. They were having sex in the public square. Coincidentally, this happened four days after Klemm was cited for DUI when cops found her driving wasted on a golf cart.
#3 - Old Cali Couple, 72 and 62, Caught Smacking Hams in Parking Lot![horny old people news stories]()
In the quiet town of Sonora, California, something not-so-quiet happened in 2013. Two
decrepit lovebirds had just finished eating at Doc's Smoked BBQ and Burgers. Full, they decided they wanted dessert. Customers alerted the police after they walked by their car, where they were jamming. "It gets hot back here and it was obviously getting hot out there," restaurant owner Rachael Shevlin said.
The naked Linda Titus, 72, and Gary Wells, 62, were cited for indecent exposure and soon released. News spread through the town and one local said, "Seventy years old? I hope I'm doing that when I'm 70." Don't we all. Another said, "That's just weird. I don't know, that's all I can say about it." Shevlin said she isn't mad at the couple for their expression of love, and hopes they come back. "It'll be a little awkward. We might all be like 'You go deal with him. No, you go deal with him,' but you know, it will be all right."
#2 - Horny Woman Dials 911 and Begs for Sex![horny old people news stories]()
On February 25, 2014, a Punta Gorda, Florida, woman dialed 911.
Maria Montenez-Colon -- who is 58 but appears to be in her late 60s -- told dispatch that her son took her late husband's Corvette and that she wanted it back. But when the officer arrived to her home, her intentions became crystal clear.
"You are so sexy," Montenez-Colon told the officer. "Are you married?" Things got weirder. "I haven't been penetrated in years." When the officer said she was being inappropriate, she said, "I know, I'm bad." When he further questioned whether there was anything he could do for her, she grabbed the cop's arm and said, "You can f**k me." He gave her his business card and said to never call the emergency line, only the non-emergency line.
But the desperate aged Latina wasn't done. She called 911 again. She told them the officer "pissed her off" and asked to see another. She elaborated: "He was a perfect gentleman, but when I asked him to f**k me, he turned me down so that made me angry." Dispatch asked if she remembered the officer telling her to call the non-emergency line, to which she replied, "I do, but how else am I going to get you to f**k me."
Montenez-Colon was arrested, handcuffed and booked in Charlotte County Jail.
#1 - 81-Year-Old Man Accused of Sex Act with Shrubbery![horny old people news stories]()
In July, a man in Stratford, Connecticut, was arrested for having sex with his bushes. A neighbor videotaped 81-year-old
Wallace Berg naked in his yard humping shrubs. Berg stopped, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized and went inside his home. The nosey tattletale called the police and Berg was sent to jail, where he posted a $10,000 bond.
I thought this was America!?
