Back in the days when the headlights of your car filled the living room after a swervy drive home from the bar, your lady lover let out a sign of disappointment as she became chiefly aware that your smelly hair, yellow teeth and bonfire-stench clothing were about to bombard her perfectly scented lavender living space. In addition to being extremely blotto, making inexcusable comments about her weight and mother, she had to lay next to the steaming chimney
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of rotting tobacco because you were too loaded to shower before bed.
Fast-forward to today and the ladies are much happier that cigarette smoking has been outlawed in and around public places. No matter how much you look like Don Draper, the effects of smoking on yourself and the ones around you always outweigh how charming you think you might be. With that said, your ciggy smoking habit might just be the reason you're currently looking for love in your life, and here are a few more reasons why a single guy should quit.
Diseases
Despite what you believe or how many times you've seen "Manhattan," smoking is, in fact, on the decline. In case you're not attuned to the downsides of smoking and are only aware of its phantom benefits, lung cancer, emphysema and, oh yeah, death, are the first words a doctor will use if you were to inquire about cigarette smoking. That, or the words will be "you effing idiot."
It's estimated that nearly half a million people die from cigarette smoking related illness every year. And that's a better statistic than the 1960s when everybody used to smoke ignorantly with no clue that the Marlboro Man was really Satan on horseback. Despite the steady decline of nearly a third of smokers quitting, the hardcore smokers soldier on like stubborn mules.
Secondhand Sickness
Piggy-backing off the unhealthiness of cigarette smoking is that you're not only hurting yourself, you're bringing your friends down with you. You may notice how people keep their conversations with you short, typically one and two-word answers, in order to get away from you before you can blow another drag in their defenseless faces.
Just to give you an idea of how shitty you are when you blow smoke in someone's face, it's estimated that nonsmokers increase their risk of heart disease by 30 percent just being in the same room as someone smoking. And it's estimated that secondhand smoke causes more than 40,000 heart disease related deaths each year. So, yeah.
Single and Stinky
Even if you're a social smoker, you have to admit that it's nice going to a bar or restaurant and not coming home smelling like a tar pit. Since smoking bans began back in the late 1990s, it's estimated that cigarette smoking has been reduced by roughly 33 percent. In fact, most U.S. brands are making their money overseas since Americans are slowly shaping up.
If you're still part of the 67 percent and wondering why girls start walking the other way when you pull out your Parliaments, it's because she just realized she could do better. The National Smoking Hotline did a survey showing that 94 percent of women are not fond of kissing smokers. Funny thing is, a number of those women are probably smokers themselves, but that doesn't help you any. So unless you have a Harley, chicks probably won't go for the smoking anymore. It's like disco, man; it's over. You had your fun, now move on.
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Bad Breath Billy
If you're wondering why you don't have refreshing kissable breath after sucking down a cancer stick, it might be because cigarettes are made with urea, arsenic and hydrogen cyanide. Urea, like the chief chemical found in your urine, and cyanide, which is what Hitler killed his dog with after the Holocaust. That's right, your breath smells like Hitler's sins stained in your own urine. Good work.
You know it's bad when your dog won't even stick its tongue near your face. And that dog's breath probably smells like the trash and crap it just licked while you were out puffing on old smoky. Now you're feeling rejected because even colorblind canines won't love you.
Waste of Money
Typically, a pack of cigarettes runs close to five dollars, for the sake of simple calculation, meaning that if you smoke half a pack to a full pack each day, you're paying somewhere between $1,000 and $2,000 each year to smoke (way more in states where cigs are more expensive). It seems smoking is an expensive habit with few benefits of substance.
Upon reading this, one would think that it'd actually be healthier to drive across the Brooklyn Bridge, stick your body out the window and just throw a couple grand out into the air. At least then you wouldn't be doing any damage to yourself and people would begin to regard you as a genuinely nice chap, unless of course you cause a 20-car pile-up on the bridge.
Our advice: Find a new cheaper, more productive habit, like sidewalk chalk or making beaded jewelry for your girlfriends. And if you're smoking to lose weight because you're too lazy to work out or too cheap to buy a gym card, then you're probably going to be one of those obese people in the motorized carts in places that don't need motorized carts, holding up the lines, getting your wheels caught on displays and looking real pathetic in general.
Three (Death) Wishes
Here they are again: Cancer. Emphysema. Death. Aside from stimulation and relaxation, which sound like conflicting benefits, there are not many reported benefits to cigarette smoking, yet people continue to do it habitually. Sure, it seems okay having one with your coffee or taking down a clove with your cocktail, but to get out of bed at 4 a.m. specifically to blacken your lungs is about as smart as shaving your wiener everyday in the shower.
In the end, it's all a matter of freewill. Everybody has the ability to quit. There are people who want to quit but think they can't, people who don't give a damn and people who just don't know any better. Life is very much worth living, no matter who you are, and cigarettes put an immediate damper on that lifespan. It doesn't matter if you think cancer is hereditary; smoking won't help your chances. At the end of the day, cigarettes won't do anything for you that coffee or a donut can't.
It's Never Too Late
Scientists have thrown out the number 14; referring to the number of years the average smoker loses off their life. Obviously, the number increases with a dramatic increase in smoking. However, the silver lining is that it only takes roughly five years for the black tar-like damage of your lungs to clear up. That statistic is not used to give you an excuse to procrastinate quitting even longer, but if you think your ship has sailed and you're still relatively young, think again. You're not far from being a lovable little turd once again. Just slap on the smoking patch, get yourself some of that nicotine gum and start investing in the minty splendor that is the candy cigarette. Health and life benefits will follow.
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light finish.
of rotting tobacco because you were too loaded to shower before bed.
