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Articles on this Page
- 09/08/16--09:10: _If You've Always Wa...
- 09/08/16--09:21: _Italian Supreme Cou...
- 09/08/16--09:35: _Probably The Greate...
- 09/08/16--10:24: _Here Are 101 Ways T...
- 09/08/16--11:20: _Pro Surfer Ellie-Je...
- 09/09/16--04:49: _This Week's 20 Funn...
- 09/09/16--04:50: _Today's Funny Photos
- 09/09/16--05:20: _iPhone 7: Yay or Nay?
- 09/09/16--05:54: _Shower Beers Is Cur...
- 09/09/16--06:16: _January Jones Goes ...
- 09/09/16--06:20: _Fall 2016 Is Cramme...
- 09/09/16--06:45: _The Obama And Putin...
- 09/09/16--07:48: _New Zealand Kid Tro...
- 09/09/16--07:50: _10 Songs That Make ...
- 09/09/16--08:11: _Chelsea Handler Rem...
- 09/09/16--08:50: _What Are 'Blue Ball...
- 09/09/16--08:57: _Shaquille O'Neal's ...
- 09/09/16--09:22: _So Here's Mariah Ca...
- 09/09/16--10:42: _Dude Live-Streams S...
- 09/09/16--12:57: _The Dictionary's Tw...
- 09/08/16--09:21: Italian Supreme Court Says Masturbating In Public Is Legal
- 09/08/16--09:35: Probably The Greatest Onside Kick Of All Time
- 09/08/16--10:24: Here Are 101 Ways To Deal With Stress According To A Teacher
- 09/09/16--04:49: This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets
- 09/09/16--04:50: Today's Funny Photos
- 09/09/16--05:20: iPhone 7: Yay or Nay?
- 09/09/16--05:54: Shower Beers Is Currently The Hottest Viral Trend Out There
- 09/09/16--06:16: January Jones Goes Completely Topless For Instagram (NSFW)
- 09/09/16--06:20: Fall 2016 Is Crammed With Great New Music Record Releases
- 09/09/16--06:45: The Obama And Putin Death Stare Was Too Perfect Not To Photoshop
- 09/09/16--07:48: New Zealand Kid Trolls Newspaper By Dedicating Quiz Win To Harambe
- 09/09/16--07:50: 10 Songs That Make You Rethink Everything
- 09/09/16--08:50: What Are 'Blue Balls' And Are They Real?
- 09/09/16--09:22: So Here's Mariah Carey With Her Boobs Out In A Bath On Instagram
- 09/09/16--12:57: The Dictionary's Twitter Destroyed A Troll With Just 6 Words
NBC executives came up with the crazy notion that people actually wanted to spend their Wednesday nights watching Bear Grylls do his thing, so they gave him his own show called "Running Wild with Bear Grylls," where celebrities join him somewhere in nature and they...wait for it...run wild.
Last night's "celebrity" was Melanie B from the Spice Girls, and let's just say that things got really wild when Grylls got stung in the hand by a jellyfish and Melanie B did the only thing that came to mind to save him.
Yup, you guessed it: She pissed on him.
I mean, congrats to Bear Grylls, I guess. After all, there are guys who will pay top dollar these days to have a good-looking woman take a leak on them, and he wound up getting a golden shower for free.
Some people drink urine for breakfast, and they are not my friends: Urine For Breakfast: The Wildest Athletic Diets We've Ever Seen
Hey, great news for guys who enjoy punching their clown next to the cart return at Target.
According to News.com.au, the Italian supreme court La Corte di Cassazione actually decided to hear a case this week about a 69-year-old man who was arrested for jerking off in public. Even crazier? You guessed it: They determined that the man didn't commit a crime by doing so.
The man on trial was arrested earlier this year and sentenced to three months behind bars after he was caught taking his bishop to church in front of students outside of the University of Catania. But he'll be free to go now because the court ruled that "a recent government reform meant 'the act is not included in the law as a crime,' meaning the court has eliminated the criminal aspects of sentencing for obscene acts in public places."
So remember that the next time you take your kids to the Italian equivalent of Toys "R" Us. If there's a guy wanking it on the hood of his Toyota Prius in the parking lot, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Why settle for the open air when you can safely spank it on the job? Masturbating At Work Is No Longer A Problem Thanks To The JerkShirt
We are beyond shocked that the great Bill Belichick didn't either come up with this on his own or steal it from a team that he was illegally videotaping.
Pretty simple concept here, kids. It's a lot like dressing up the fattest kid in your school in a shit ton of hockey pads to make him even fatter and then sticking him in front of a hockey goal to play goalie.
This video is from a recent high school game, and we couldn't give two craps where either team is from. The takeaway is that in order to recover the onside kick, you drill it as hard as you can at the player you think has the worst shot at catching it, which is usually any receiver who plays for the Eagles or Vikings.
And when it's done correctly, it's a thing of beauty, much like Kate Upton getting out of a pool:
It's not quite as revolutionary as the basketball play where a kid runs to the corner and gets down on all fours and starts barking like a dog, but I still love it....
The NFL returns tonight, baby! 26 Of The Funniest NFL Tweets To Get You Ready For The New Season
If you don't want to bury your face in a pillow and yell for hours like I do, or if you're not in the mood to cry in the shower, perhaps you should take a look at this list of different ways to deal with stress. Because these days it's pretty impossible not to feel the weight of the world pushing you down until you're six feet under. Hooray for colorful images!
Thanks to Twitter User Lina, we are able to read a list her psychology teacher, Mr. Philips, gave her in order to reduce his students' stress. Take a look at the list below and feel free to try some of them.
I'll keep my pillow just in case.
Now deal with your anger: Anger Management: Tips And Tricks To Tackle Your Outbursts
I will be honest, pro surfing is not a sport I care much about, and the only time I care about it is when I see videos of awesome dogs on surfboards. Well, that is about to change because I have just learned about Ellie-Jean Coffey.
The 21-year-old Australian gal is a professional surfer who is always sharing pictures of herself wearing super tiny bikinis on her Instagram. So if you're too lazy to catch some waves, just kick back and catch some of Ellie-Jean's hottest pics:
Time to check out more surfers: The Hottest Surfer Girls On Instagram Are Getting Us Excited For Summer
Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2016
"Think about it.....who closes the door after the bus driver gets off?..... Crazy, right?..." pic.twitter.com/ym8PxIAvKg— A. (@FreshAir_In) August 29, 2016
Ultimately the message of all self-help books is, "If you were a totally different person, you could have a different life."— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) September 3, 2016
pass me the blunt so i can throw it away and call the cops— irag war lo key thic (@HumanPog) September 3, 2016
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN pic.twitter.com/RfrkI9qPa1— saw ur tweet. u ok? (@KasaiREX) September 4, 2016
Everyone in Florida, please stay safe tonight. Not because of the hurricane. Just cuz you live in Florida— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 2, 2016
When your deadbeat dad picks you up for the weekend pic.twitter.com/9YA7AXvJI0— Potna B (@MyPotnaB) August 28, 2016
all u kids starting school i hope u do well! good luck u deserve an A+. and if u dropped out that's cool too hope ur music career works out— spicy😤boy😩 (@shawnwasabi) August 31, 2016
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?— Andy Sandford (@AndySandford) August 27, 2016
opinions are like assholes. there are special sites on the internet where you can see really messed up ones— DougExeter (@DougExeter) August 30, 2016
Maybe Odell Beckham Jr had watched an episode of Girls and assumed Lena Dunham doesn't talk to black people— Petty Friedan (@jneslo) September 2, 2016
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016
date 5: i don't think the moon is real
CBS really should have switched the tag lines for Kevin James new sitcom and the new MacGyver... pic.twitter.com/VEbbL2B6LK— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) August 29, 2016
Rest in Peas 🙏🙏🙏 https://t.co/qwl4TCTJNL— Moe Alayan (@MoeAlayan) May 22, 2016
Emily Ratajowski is always alone by a pool.— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) August 28, 2016
Still laughing at this terrible memorial for Gene Wilder pic.twitter.com/VYZaXgC307— Amy Wood (@amy_wood) September 1, 2016
🤔If Carly Rae Jepsen👊— jake (@HUNTYCHAN) August 30, 2016
😘 & my man👦😍
😬 and I can only save one😤
💀catch me at his funeral💀
😭listening to E•MO•TION👊
What if Odell Beckham had engaged Lena Dunham in conversation? pic.twitter.com/XkuYc9jK8b— Dave Septemberkowitz (@davelozo) September 2, 2016
I am witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ at Dave and busters right now pic.twitter.com/5UNVYGIMhy— Ryan Oakes (@ImRyanOakes) July 27, 2016
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.
Somehow, someway we have gotten through another week, and we are still alive. And since we are still alive it's time to start living like it's your last day on earth. And how should you start that? By checking out all these funny photos, of course. And then after you can cross this off the bucket list that you'll start when you're too old and fragile to do anything on this list anyway. Happy Living!
And these are more Funny Photos.
But you'll always have more Funny Photos.
But you know what isn't? Yesterday's Funny Photos.
September isn't just the start of fall but also the start of unending jibber jabber about how great or how not great Apple's latest iPhone is. With 10 major features, a couple of surprise new features and impressive new performance and design, this is by far the best iPhone yet. Or is it? Follow along as we cruise through the main talking points of the new iPhone 7 and 7 Plus, then decide if you need to splurge your beer money on the latest or perhaps go with the deal on the previous model. One thing is for sure: There are some tech geeks creaming their jockeys today.
Size didn't matter at this week's Apple conference, but that doesn't mean we weren't blown in another way. The iPhone 7 features a refined, high gloss and seamless wrap that is both the most durable and sleekest designs we've seen yet. With a jet black finish added to the usual color schemes, the two new models, 4.7-inch and 5.5-inch, feature integrated antennas that not only mask any protruding edges, it's just plumb sexy.
Performance Anxiety? Or Excellence?
The newest of Apple chips, A10 Fusion, features the highest performance to date for any iPhone, as well as any phone in history. In addition to the new operating systems, including September's iOS 10 download, the new chip features the highest ability in both motion and graphics (M10). In addition, iPhone 7 features their alleged longest battery life yet, which will be interesting to hear more about once some of these other features come into play.
Like the new Apple Watch, the newly enclosed body is not only the first waterproof (and dust-proof) case from Apple, it's going to save you from having to live off Facebook for a week while you recover from the eager splashes from the urinal walls after another failed multitasking. The splash-proof style both expels water, probably not as intensely as the new swim-appropriate Apple Watch, repels dust, which is great for all you burning men. We're eager to see just how water-resistant these really are.
Picture This: Another Camera
We could talk all day about improvements, and we will, but first let's hit the honeypot: two camera lenses on the iPhone 7 Plus. With two built-in lenses, a telephoto lens (ƒ/2.8) in addition to the original wide-angle lens, we can now tap the optical zoom that allows for 12MP pictures even when we're zooming, so no sacrifice on quality anymore, thanks to the additional lens.
As far as specs on the camera itself: still with the 12MP of iPhone 6, but now with a better image stabilizer for focusing on moving objects, the new iPhone 7 camera offers ƒ/1.8 aperture and is 30 percent faster, with the ability to take several photos in a row and offer a conglomerate of its best parts in one single photograph. The new Quad-LED True Tone (four LEDs) gives more artificial lighting in the most natural way, and a flicker sensor, along with better white balance and noise reduction than ever before.
The camera offers multi-face detection, another process added to the billions of processes happening in mere milliseconds. Now with RAW capabilities and a 7 MP selfie camera, in addition to the extra lens, makes this by far the best iPhone camera we've seen.
Are You Too Good for Your Home (Button)?
It makes sense that the button our fingers use most would be in sync with our fingers themselves. As with Apple Pay and Touch ID activation, the new force-sensitive Home button tracks like the track pad on your Macbook and iPod. Quick actions based on the touch of your finger allow faster, more accurate movement on your phone from one small, circular space.
One Mean Screen
In addition to the beautiful casing, the screen itself seems a bit brighter as well. In terms of "brighter," we mean iPhone 7 illuminates a wider gamut of colors by 25 percent, compared to the previous model. And the improvements of 3D Touch layers and an improved depth of field, perfect for a photographer-style portraits, means we'll get sexier Instagram stories than ever.
Do You Hear What I Hear
The audio on iPhones tends to get a revamp every few models, but this is the biggest boosting Apple has had of its iPhone speakers in some time, if ever. For the first time, Tim Cook and the kids are releasing stereo speakers, both at the bottom and up top, a quality sound that gives off twice the volume of iPhone 6S. There wasn't much talk about how water resistant the speakers are, but if you're getting stereo speakers for the same price as the old ones, it's a definite win.
Struck by Lightning (Again)
Say goodbye to the analog headphone jack. As reported, Apple did away with the tiny pinhole audio port after ages of tiny pinhole audio ports. Moving to lightning port, which allows for audio in the same space as charging, Apple once again kills two birds with one eco-friendly stone. For the infuriated holdouts who like their tiny pinhole audio port from "back in their day," Apple offers a convenient adapter (which may come with the phone or may only cost you your first born).
Of course, you cannot multitask a charge and an earbud phone conversation, which could be trouble for busy business types. Whatever will they do!?
AirPods for All
Problem solved. You can say goodbye to your headphone cables. With the same body, you can now get wireless headphones; something we've been waiting for. However, the move by Apple to put charging and audio in the same port seems to force the issue. AirPods, which, along with, their impressive wireless chip (W1) that's compatible with all your devices, will mark up the cost of your listening pleasure a whopping $159.
AirPods offer five hours of listening, a tidy charging case and will arrive in October, shortly after you've cursed your phone out for its singularity. [Cue plug for new Beats 3 Wireless using W1 chip.]
The Price Is Right
Same as always? You bet, only now you're getting stereo speakers, a faster and brighter body and -- wait for it -- 32 gigabytes as the starting storage. The iPhone 7 starts at $649 ($27/month for 24 months) for 32GB, followed by 128 and 256 GB. The iPhone 7 Plus starts at $749, also with upgraded storage. Apple will make the new phones available for preorder on Sept. 9 for a Sept. 16 release. iOS 10 is available for download on Sept. 13.
Yay or Nay?
If you're in the yearly upgrade plan, you'd be a fool not to get the new iPhone (that's the whole point of it). It comes with improvements across the board that'll work well with the iOS 10 operating system. However, if you're grandfathered into a two-year contract, you may consider a cheaper buy with the 6S, and we say that because the new iPhone 7 doesn't have all the same perks, like the extra camera lens, as the 7 Plus, and the AirPods are available for purchase separately.
So you have to decide if you want to have the new sleek splash-proof body for your constant bathroom mishaps and playing in the rain, which will cost you a tiny bit more. Or do you want to save the money and get a lot of the same features? A major perk is the additional gigabytes for the same price. Your use of the camera, audio and overall amount of usage may play a big role in your decision. If you want all the perks, you have to get the Plus model, or maybe you'd be better off getting a reduced price older model. If we had to choose, we'd say "yay," but either way, there are going to be perks to shutting off your cell phone at one point or another.
Every so often a new viral trend will sweep the internet, reeling in a bunch of people from all over the globe. And while we had a fantastic time checking out the amazing and useless BootyFlipCup trend, this new shower beers trend is one useless trend we hope sticks around.
Thanks to Reddit, we all can see a bunch of gals drinking some beer while naked in the shower, with only the beer covering their goods. Check out some of the best below:
These gals are true innovators.
Can't forget this one: #AfterSexSelfies Is The Latest Trend That Will Make You Shake Your Head
Sure, "Mad Men" is done and over with, but that doesn't mean that we have to forget all the ladies on it. So while we enjoyed seeing Christina Hendricks, we also certainly enjoyed January Jones, too. And Jones recently reminded us why we enjoyed her so much by sharing some topless pics on the internet.
Jones took it to her Instagram to share a topless picture of herself with the caption "Lil JJ all naked and such.. It was in a gallery so technically it's art Mom." Yep, this is art I can get behind. Check it out below:
And this isn't the first time Jones has gone topless on Instagram -- just a little while back she shared this:
Oh, and also this:
Short story- So I was doing this photoshoot for @violetgrey a while back and I was in a black evening gown and we decided it would be fun to fill a bathtub and have me get in it with the gown on(shenanigans), and it turned the bath water violet(happy turn of events), so then we decided I should take off the gown(not easy when wet), and get back into the violet bath naked and take more pics. #bathtubscanbesofun
Keep them coming, Jones. We can't get tired of this.
That's the spirit: January Jones Poses In Her Underwear To Get More Followers On Instagram
Jack White "Acoustic Recordings 1998-2016"
Release Date: September 9
White's first album since 2014's solo "Lazaretto" is a long-spanning 26-title recording of several fill-in-the-gap moments of his career with The White Stripes, Raconteurs and his personal solo work. Between B-sides, rarities and demo alternatives, White offers us nearly two decades of broken down melodies.
Local Natives "Sunlit Youth" and Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds "Skeleton Tree" are also set for Sept. 9 release.
Usher "Hard II Love"
Release Date: September 16
He's been doing it for more than 20 years but shows no signs of slowing down (or aging, for that matter). Usher is back after a decent hiatus of four years after 2012's "Looking 4 Myself," filming a Sugar Ray Leonard film with Robert De Niro, which was sent to Cannes this year. It seems he found himself, as he makes his triumphant return with "Hard II Love," although we can't imagine what's not to love about this guy.
Taking Back Sunday "Tidal Wave"
Release Date: September 16
One of the longest-running indie bands in the biz is back with a "tidal wave" of music. Nearly 20 years in the bag, the band is back with new material written from their 2014-15 tour for "Happiness Is," this being their seventh studio offering. The Long Islanders released their second single in August, "You Can't Look Back," following the album-title debut track earlier in June.
Devendra Banhart "Ape in Pink Marble"
Release Date: September 23
The bilingual troubadour, South American at heart but a toe dipped in the hip waters of L.A., is set to reveal a new family of songs, his first offering since the groovy-to-the-gills "Mala" of 2013. Two songs, "Saturday Night" and "Middle Names," have already graced us with their entrancing sounds, some might say dreamy, meditative psychedelic folk rhythms (nobody says that, just me). Now we wait patiently for the rest of the group.
Bon Iver "22, A Million"
Release Date: September 30
Dropping the same day as Cali locals The Mowgli's new record, "How'd Your Weekend Go?" is the first record in five years from burly, bearded man Bon Iver, possibly the most long-anticipated album of the year. It's only his second full-length album, but as with any Bon Iver song, written in code and delivered with grace, it's probably worth the wait.
The Pixies, Van Morrison and Yellowcard are also set to release new music on Sept. 30.
Green Day "Revolution Radio"
Release Date: October 7
If this is Green Day's way of saying they're going to be the only band plugging up the radio, much like the days of "American Idiot," count us out. Unless of course there's a Broadway musical on the horizon, then count us back in. "Revolution Radio" is the 12th studio record and first major release since 2009's multiplatinum "Idiot," unless you're counting 2012's three-album release ("Uno!" "Dos!" Tres!"), which you really shouldn't.
Placebo is back with two records on this day as well. Some bands just don't know how to pick and choose.
Release Date: October 7
We'd give praise to Sum 41 for staying alive with their upcoming "13 Voices," but we've grown tired of talking punk and would rather talk Phantogram follow-ups with "Three," a convenient title for their third studio album. Aside from a fall tour, the electro-duo has been busy with the premiere of their "You Don't Get Me High Anymore" and looking super freaking hip.
Kaiser Chiefs' new release "Stay Together" is also set for Oct. 7 release, along with silly Sum 41.
Kings of Leon "Walls"
Release Date: October 14
Any pastor's son in a giant touring band is going to have some walls to tear down, and we expect nothing less as Kings take up their rightful rock throne with "Walls." Their first since 2013's "Mechanical Bull," possibly their longest break yet, the Followills are back looking dapper as usual with their hot wives and heavy riffs. Lead man, Caleb Followill, claims the recording was a very love/hate family process of getting the right sound (Arcade Fire, Coldplay producer, Markus Dravs, at the helm) so don't be surprised if some riff battles culminated in some damn good tunes.
Jimmy Eat World "Integrity Blues"
Release Date: October 21
We got a sweet taste for some new sounds from an old favorite with the tasty lick "Get Right," the first heavy groove from what appears to be another loving mix of fast and slow, light and heavy Jimmy. The Mesa men are consistent in their releases, though 2013's "Damage" seemed quiet in comparison to their earlier work. Let's see if "Integrity Blues" has a little clarity to it.
Empire of the Sun "Two Vines"
Release Date: October 28
Another tour fan favorite is back to round out the fall music cycle with "Two Vines," Empire's third album. Following up the quiet-in-comparison "Ice on the Dune," which had to follow its monster "Walking on a Dream" debut, this album dropped two new tracks in 48 hours for the synth sound-makers. The leadoff title track offers that multidimensional vibration in which the song can change directions in a blink, highlighting the highly distinguishable vocals in the most wickedly bitchin' way.
Sure, it's incredibly easy and fun to poke fun at Donald Trump, as this uncomfortable picture became the focus of the internet for hilarious Photoshop jobs, and just like this gross, naked statue was all people could talk about. But hey, we like to spread our joy, and this time around it landed on our current president.
A picture of Obama staring down Vladimir Putin like there's no tomorrow made it to the internet, and once again the internet couldn't resist. Check out the original picture below:
And now check out the best of the best Photoshop jobs thanks to Reddit:
Totally worth it.
h/t Huffington Post
Don't forget about Hillary: That Hug Obama Gave Hillary Clinton Got Photoshopped In The Name Of America
It's been almost four months since the killing of gorilla Harambe sparked an outcry, and yet people refuse to let the animal rest in peace, as the Harambe memes continue to roll in. Although we have to admit some are pretty funny. And the Harambe jokes don't seem to be ending anytime soon, as one high school kid used the gorilla to troll a newspaper.
Finn Cattaway, a 14-year-old boy from New Zealand, won the Otago Daily Times current events quiz this week. And his reward included getting his name and photo (along with his teammates' names and photos) in the newspaper. But of course Cattaway took this time to mention the fallen gorilla, and dedicate the win to him.
"We still haven't had justice for Harambe," Cattaway tells the newspaper.
Check out the newspaper clippings below:
this is still extremely funny to me pic.twitter.com/E0CDPJ8dDV— Jason Thoughtsman (@lewis_woah) September 8, 2016
May his memory live on.
Thanks, dad: Dad Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad For Son In Hopes Of Finding Him A Wife
Perhaps the most Zen rocker ever, Adam MCA Yauch, may his funk never rest, was the spiritual soul of the Beastie Boys. If you only know the Boys from "License to Ill," when they were activists for partying mostly, then there's much for you to learn (as there is for us all). Their follow-up "Paul's Boutique," is, for my listening pleasure, the greatest album of all time, and it made me rethink everything, musically speaking. But the next album, "Check Your Head," made me rethink everything on a philosophical level. Sure, the Boys are all over the place with rap references that go from the mundane to the sublime, but this was also the first album they played their own instruments on, which meant they had to simplify their lyrical content for those numbers. And that's where you really start to feel Yauch's Eastern-leaning philosophy, particularly on "Gratitude," "Lighten Up" and "Namaste." Check it out, then check your head, and soon your mind and body will follow -- hey, it's cheaper than a yoga class.
"Turtles All The Way Down"
In the last five years, if there's one artist who has consistently caused me to re-examine the way I think, it's this guy. And I'm over 40, when influencing the way someone thinks is tough business. You wanna know how outlaw Sturgill Simpson is? This rebel didn't even wear cowboy boots to the Grand Ole Opry. Although he'll tell you the most outlaw thing he ever did was "give a good girl a ring." That was the line that initially hooked me, but it's the philosophy he drops in the song above that really made me rethink things, particularly what the f**k I was doing in Seattle if the devil was there. The title of this song is in reference to a philosophical paradox that basically equates the world with a giant turtle standing on top of another giant turtle on top of another giant turtle, and so on, all the way down -- which honestly, I can't even begin to grasp, but it seemed like reason enough to move back to L.A.
"No Church In The Wild"
I'm still trying to figure out the answers to the questions posed in this song, namely, "What's a mob to a king? What's a king to a god?" and "What's a god to a non-believer? Who don't believe in anything?" I'm guessing it has something to do with cocaine and threesomes being next to godliness, but I'm still rethinking it.
"Once In A Lifetime"
"Road To Nowhere" was very close to being my Talking Heads entry here, as it made me rethink how much better I felt about my poor sense of direction. But since I've seen David Byrne in concert three times now, and all three times this song blew my mind into seeing how much a part of everything and nothing my little life truly is. And yet somehow that's empowering, mostly because it comes straight from a man so tapped into the water flowing underground that he makes me want to swim in it too -- preferably with my beautiful wife, who I desperately hope is real.
"Tomorrow Never Knows"
The Beatles learned early on that acid would put them in direct communication with the Muses. But back when people still kind of thought they were innocent, the cute boys from Liverpool dropped this trippy song on the world and changed everything. By putting this WTF question mark at the end of "Revolver," they basically created the sonic point in history when everything became more confusing and girls started burning bras. This song certainly didn't help clear things up, as George Harrison supposedly claimed that even John Lennon -- the guy who took acid and was directly influenced by either "The Tibetan Book of the Dead," or a book by Timothy Leary and pals comparing that book to LSD -- didn't even understand the concepts within.
"All Things Must Pass"
But George understood it all, consciously and unconsciously, finitely and infinitely. Listen no further than Lennon-and-McCartney's-whipping-boy-no-more's first solo album, which laid out the universe on this title track to a mind-body-and-spirit expanding album that also includes higher-living lessons "My Sweet Lord" and "What Is Life." You can feel it on this track most powerfully, though, the spirit of transcendence he felt after breaking away from such a dysfunctional family, especially since Lennon and McCartney flat-out rejected the song for "Get Back." In doing so, George moved me to rethink how I feel about my own physical limitations, and to believe that transcending them is truly possible. No one's actually ever made me feel better about dying, not even Woody Allen.
"Don't Worry Be Happy"
As the son of a neurotic and overbearing mother, this is a very hard lesson to learn. But Bobby McFerrin's sweet a cappella grooves found their way into my fretful soul and made me realize the fallacy of my worried ways. If only such a spirit could linger beyond the duration of the song's time in my head. Fortunately, the song has a way of sticking around a while. But while it may have worked well in my formative years, back when the song and the feeling were everywhere, now that I watch the video above and see Robin Williams all happying about, I realize how fleeting such a bullshit concept as happiness truly is, and I'm rethinking everything yet again.
"No Woman No Cry"
You could easily go with Marley's "Three Little Birds" here, but since you can learn the same "don't worry about a thing" life lesson from the song above, I'm going with "No Woman No Cry". Plus, though perhaps not as Bob intended, it has been a helpful reminder to me that you really don't need a woman in your life to be happy. Of course, it was easy for Bob to say such things, as he seems to have been good enough with the ladies so as to populate half of Jamaica. Actually, come to think of it, "everything is gonna be alright" has the same ring to it as the two "don't worry" tunes, but it's a lot tougher to remember when you're not getting laid.
"Hearts And Bones"
You want world-changing stuff? Try getting Princess Leia to fall in love with you and then realizing that's not exactly as ideal as you think. And that's still a beautiful thing. That's what Paul Simon wrote this song about, of course that was before the whole divorce happened. Still, the second I learned that love has cracks and doesn't look like a Disney movie is the second I stopped paying escorts to dress up like Princess Jasmine.
For a while there, Eminem's version of Rocky's theme song was enough to get me out of bed every day and write for no one. I was seizing my moment, I owned it. Alas, I stopped waking up to this song, I let it go, and now I write for you folks.
If this post on why you shouldn't give markers to kids, or this one on why you shouldn't leave toddlers alone for seven minutes wasn't enough to steer you away from having kids, perhaps this important public service announcement from Chelsea Handler will sway you.
Chelsea took it to Instagram to explain to the world why it's great being child-free and alone (including having a cocktail at 10 a.m). Chelsea states that being "childless and alone are everything they're cracked up to be." Check out the hilarious video below:
I'm glad that Chelsea is doing her part to save people from misery. Now if only people would stop bringing newborns to the movies we would be on to something.
We also liked when she did this: Chelsea Handler Goes Topless On Instagram Again, This Time In The Name Of Politics
Blue balls. A condition with such a colloquial term couldn't possibly be real, could it? To guys who've experienced the pulling pain of an almost orgasm, yes, it's very real. But medical professionals do speculate about its legitimacy, believe it or not. To this I say: those who do not believe blue balls are a medical condition must be female and therefore not have balls. Because as a man, we've all been there, and it hurts like hell.
When you search the colorful term online, one of the first results that pops up is none other than that of millennial-generated terminology source Urban Dictionary, which describes the ailment as such: "The excruciating pain a man receives when his balls swell to the size of coconuts because of lack of sex, unfinished bjs, and just not cummin when he knows he should."
While some of what's described above is indeed true (except the coconut part, because, like, f**k), the definition isn't very eloquent or as accurate as it could be. But don't fret, gentlemen, that's what I'm here for.
So, first thing's first, let me tell you that blue balls are indeed a cited medical condition (at least according to some) and we can all agree that it really, really sucks.
Medical professionals don't refer to the ailment as "blue balls," however, instead opting for something far less fun and more difficult to pronounce. This term being: "epididymal hypertension." Fun, right?
What Are Blue Balls?
Essentially, blue balls are your genitals' way of telling you that you've let them down. You've really, really let them down. I mean, you got them all excited and prepared for a messy climax -- your veiny boner is ecstatic that he's about expel something that isn't urine -- then you suddenly decide: "Actually, no. I don't want to have an orgasm. I've changed my mind."
Except your genitals haven't. They still want that orgasm. In turn, they seek revenge on your wavered decision and attack your body with what feels like a dull headache in your balls. A headache that can only be cured if you complete the task you originally set out to do: have an orgasm.
Obviously, I'm being tongue-in-cheek here. I'm trying to make this lecture a tad more fun. But I understand that you probably came here for a more official, scientific explanation. So here's what actually happens.
When a guy gets turned on, blood begins to flow directly to the penis and scrotum, which causes everything to become engorged (see: rock hard boner and tight balls). As a man continues to stimulate himself through masturbation or intercourse, pressure from said blood flow continues to build until you ejaculate, after which the blood begins to flow out from your penis and scrotum and you become flaccid and tired, and want to take a nap.
But, if a man continues to stimulate himself without any payoff and remains aroused for an extended period, this pressure can become too much for your genitals to handle, which causes the aforementioned epididymal hypertension. Guys need not worry about the pain, though. Experts insist blue balls can not kill a man, nor can they damage your precious jewels.
Where does the "blue balls" part come in? There's an actual scientific justification for this. Apparently, this buildup of pressure can actually cause a guy's testicles to darken and turn an almost violet color, hence why we jokingly dismiss this painful condition with such a fun, jovial term.
How Does One Treat Blue Balls?
Suggestions for treatment of blue balls vary widely. Some insist a cold shower does the trick, while others say you've gotta sleep it off. But most agree that if you want to get rid of that dull aching feeling ringing in your balls like an angry bell tower, all you have to do is load up some videos of Christy Mack doing something filthy, climax into a tube sock, then discreetly discard said sock in the laundry bin by burying it deep within its sweaty contents.
Again, I'm being colorful here. All you've gotta do is ejaculate.
Even after orgasm though, a guy might still feel pain -- a less intense pain -- in his downstairs, but this is totally common, you just kind of let it go away on its own.
So there you have it, guys. Your balls are vengeful pricks. If you get them excited about something and you don't deliver, they will hurt and hold you hostage until you do. So give your balls what they want. Ejaculate, would ya?
Shaquille O'Neal, one of the all-time great NBA players, will be inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame later tonight, but while he dominated on the court (15-time All Star, four championships), O'Neal's Twitter seems like it also deserves to be recognized by everyone, because it's so damn random and hilarious.
Now while he has made us laugh on television (usually unintentionally), Shaq is making us laugh on the internet, too. Check out some of his gems thanks to his Twitter.
h/t The Chive
These athletes are doing it wrong: 25 Of The Dumbest Tweets By Athletes
If you aren't close to being as relevant as you once were back in the '90s, your best bet is to release some new material. And if no one cares about that new material, your second best bet is to just put your boobs on the internet. And that's exactly what Mariah Carey did.
The 46-year-old singer took the time to not only get inside a bubble bath, but to take naked pictures for us so that we can enjoy the bath with her. Not a bad move at all, Mimi. Check out the photos below thanks to her Instagram:
And here's one more for you:
I wonder if Nick Cannon saw this after everyone ignored him on "America's Got Talent."
Want more: Mariah Carey In 10 Sexy Photos
There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. Number one: Let's not live-stream ourselves having sex with someone because good things will never come from that situation. Number two: If you do, be sober. And finally: Make sure you don't tag your partner's dad, because that is a horror movie.
A couple decided to live-stream themselves having sex in a family vacation home they weren't supposed to be using, but now the girl's dad knows because her idiot boyfriend tagged him. The couple looked like they did it in every room in the house. But you don't have to tell the dad that because chances are he saw.
Here is another thing you can bet on: That girl will need years of therapy. And one more thing you can put your money on: That dad will murder that dude and set that house ablaze.
In conclusion: Let's not put our sexual adventures on Facebook. Facebook is for sharing stuff that doesn't lead to a traumatic event.
h/t Elite Daily
And sometimes the dad is the idiot: Dad Accidentally Puts Dick Pic On Snapchat Story, Traumatizes Daughter
The Merriam-Webster dictionary's Twitter has over 120K followers that love words and nothing but words. And wouldn't you know it that it only took six words to shutdown some nerd who was hellbent on trolling good old Webster. Let's first take a look at what the dictionary tweeted that kicked off this hoopla:
It's fine to use mad to mean "angry"—even if doing so makes some people mad. https://t.co/Z5ClzvAnaZ— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) September 7, 2016
Well, Gabriel Roth, an editor with Slate didn't like that tweet so he offered a bunch of his opinions:
If no one's making rules for us, it means we're responsible for our own decisions, and we feel kind of ambivalent about that tbqh— Gabriel Roth (@gabrielroth) September 7, 2016
or dictionary, I guess, in this case— Gabriel Roth (@gabrielroth) September 7, 2016
The dictionary had had enough of Roth because they were ready to kill him:
@gabrielroth No one cares how you feel.— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) September 7, 2016
Oh damn, the dictionary sure has changed since I was young -- it doesn't take anyone's shit now.
Twitter of course lost their word-loving minds:
@ortile I'm dead and buried right now— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 8, 2016
Don't mess with the dictionary.
h/t Elite Daily
Hey dictionary, add these: 21 Clever Words That Should Be Added To The Dictionary Immediately