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Missing Penis Causes Road Closure

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road closed for missing penisIf you're planning on hooking up with a gypsy woman and your rationale is, "What's the worst that could happen?" you might want to keep reading this story. And then strongly reconsider your taste in women.

According to Daily Mail, a busy motorway in Middlesbrough was brought to a halt today after police closed it to look for a missing penis.

Why was a man missing his penis on a Thursday morning in Middlesbrough? You guessed it: a damn gypsy gang cut it off because they found out a man had slept with one of their women.

The road was closed after police arrived on the scene of what was described as a man lying on the ground in a "distressed state," which is about as big of an understatement as me saying I would like to hold Kate Upton's hand.

The man was taken to a nearby hospital and put into an induced coma, and all road closures have since been lifted. It is still unclear, however, whether or not authorities found the man's missing hog, which is really the most important part of this story if you think about it.

Sadly, even having penis insurance wouldn't have helped this lad: Somebody is Finally Offering Penis Insurance

 

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Today's Funniest Photos

These People Like St. Patrick's Day Way More Than You Do

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10 Movie Car Chases "Need For Speed" Needs To Live Up To

Cocktail Recipes: St. Patrick's Day Edition

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It's always a bummer when St. Patrick's Day doesn't fall on a Friday or the weekend, but that just means you get to start celebrating early. Our friends at Jim Beam are aware of this, and provided some excellent Irish-themed cocktails for you to mix up this weekend or enjoy on Monday after work. Either way, you can't go wrong. Cheers!
jacob's st paddy's day spritzer, st. patrick's day cocktails
Jacob's St. Paddy's Day Spritzer

Ingredients:
2 parts Jacob's Ghost[TM] White Whiskey
½ part DeKuyper(R) Peachtree
6-8 Fresh Mint Leaves
Juice of ½ Lime
Club Soda

Preparation:
In a mixing glass, muddle mint leaves. Combine Jacob's Ghost, DeKuyper(R) Peachtree and lime juice. Pour into a highball glass and top off with club soda. Garnish with a lime wheel. Serve immediately.


Pot O' Goldpot o' gold, st. patrick's day cocktails

Ingredients:
2 parts Jim Beam(R) Honey
1 part DeKuyper(R) Melon
Fill with Light Beer

Preparation:
Build in order over ice in a beer mug. Garnish with a half-moon orange wheel on the rim.


St. Paddy's Day Off, St. Patrick's Day cocktailsSt. Paddy's Day Off

Ingredients:
2 parts Jacob's Ghost[TM] White Whiskey
½ part Cruzan Coconut Rum
½ part Cruzan 9
3 parts Pineapple juice
Float of cranberry juice

Preparation:
Build over ice in a collins glass. Garnish with a pineapple wedge and a lime.

All cocktails created by Bobby "G" Gleason, Beam's Master Mixologist. For more, follow Jim Beam on Twitter and like them on Facebook.

 

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Which 'The Walking Dead' Characters Need to Die?

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It's becoming more challenging to be a fan of "The Walking Dead" these days. We've invested almost four complete seasons into the series, but it has to be one of the most inconsistent shows out there right now, regardless of how good it can be at its best. We understand that character development is vital in walking dead death chartgetting to know these people in order to care for them. But ever since the group of survivors split up after the mid-season finale of Season 4, not only has the show become little more than a post-apocalyptic soap opera, but the overacting plot (if there even is one at this point) has slowed to a crawl.

First thing's first: this is not an article about where the comic book plot goes and, hence, where we think the show and its characters will be taken. We don't care about that. The series has shown that it can deviate a great deal from the source material and that's fine by us. We just want the show back on point, and sadly, that's going to take blood. Most of the remaining living characters have now been around long enough for us to know who works, and as for the rest, only a few show even the slightest signs of potential. Therefore, we've decided to go through the characters one-by-one and give our thoughts on which should live or die in order to give the show a fighting chance to live up to the potential it had at the onset. Surely, many fans and even haters will disagree with our choices, but a list like this wouldn't be much fun if they didn't. So please feel free to give us your insights, as well. Let's begin.

rick grimes walking dead
Rick Grimes

This show doesn't exist without Rick Grimes. It's really that simple. Sure, creator Robert Kirkman wants you to believe that anything is possible, and that the show can go on forever with or without Rick, but we call B.S. He is the show. At its core, this is about him waking up in this new world and taking charge. He's certainly had his low points along the way, and boy can it be frustrating to watch, but eventually Rick will always come around and be the leader this group needs. If they were seriously to even consider something as stupid as killing Rick off and expect people to stick around for very long after, then this show is even worse off than we thought.

Verdict: Live (Duh)


daryl dixon walking dead
Daryl Dixon

We really hate saying this, but after the dreadful excuse for an episode that was Season 4's "Still," and last week's "Alone" which wasn't much better, everyone's favorite loner seems infinitely less badass than he ever did before. It's the curse of the lone wolf. Over-exploration can easily kill what it was about a character that made them so compelling in the first place, and that is only going to happen more when it comes to Daryl. Plus, we can thank Beth for totally jinxing him by saying she knows he'll be the last of the group to survive. Now he pretty much has to not only go down, but most likely do so saving her unworthy ass. While it would certainly be a shame to see him go, it's better sooner than later if he's to retain what's left of his outsider appeal. Plus, if they get rid of him, we'll feel a lot better about giving up on the show entirely next time it decides to jerk us around.

Verdict: Die


Glenn (Steven Yeun) and Walkers - The Walking Dead _ Season 4, Episode 10 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC
Glenn Rhee

We're certainly coming around to Glenn more and more. Ever since Season 3's "When the Dead Come Knocking," where he managed to not only take down a zombie with his hands behind his back, but a chair to boot, he's had our full support. Hell, sidelining him with a deadly sickness was still a move we could get behind, even if he was down for a bit longer than he should have been (aka every "The Walking Dead" storyline). Unfortunately, if there is one overarching message that the series seems to want to get across more than anything, it's that there is no happy ending, and we should abandon all hope of such a thing. Glenn getting knocked off would illustrate that quite effectively, so even though we aren't saying we love the idea, it makes solid story sense, and we could back it on those merits alone.

Verdict: Die


maggie greene walking dead
Maggie Greene

Now, killing off Maggie instead of Glenn would equally drive the "we're all screwed" point home, but there are a number of reasons it just wouldn't work and would probably piss people off way more. For starters, as much as Glenn has become a stronger, more well-rounded character and zombie-killer, Maggie is still better than he will ever be. Plus, just based on the characters so far, we feel like Maggie would do better coping with such a loss, even if she is dead set on finding him. Besides, they brought up the pregnancy scare for a reason. Glenn can die and a part of him will always live on if they conceive a child, but that baby isn't seeing the light of day without a living, breathing Maggie to bring it into the world. This one seems about as obvious as keeping Rick.

Verdict: Live


Carl Grimes (Chandler Riggs) - The Walking Dead _ Season 4, Episode 9 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC
Carl Grimes

This one is a bit more complicated than it seems on the surface. Carl has always been a poor decision-maker to say the least, but the longer the series has gone on, the more we've realized that it's not just that. After all, he is just a kid, and while he should be showing improvements, we could at least understand his shortcomings if the actor who plays him, Chandler Riggs, was simply better at acting. We can't feel for this kid because the person portraying him can't invoke those feelings. In all honesty, the Carl character could easily be one of the most engaging of the group in the right hands, but we don't see that happening without some sort of huge time jump between seasons. Nevertheless, there's nothing worse than a mopey, wussified Rick, and we've seen enough of that in the past two seasons. If Carl were to go down, we would never get the Rick we love back, so this decision puts that above all else.

Verdict: Live (but please replace Chandler Riggs)


michonne walking dead
Michonne

Remember, this show ran almost two complete seasons before Michonne showed up, and we liked it just fine then. Of course, we like it a lot better with her in the picture, and can only imagine how much better it would have been with her there all along. They are starting to explore Michonne's background more, much like they have with Daryl, but with her it seems to work better and is anything but underwhelming. Since we've now got the basic gist of how she got to where she is now, we simply recommend that they slow it down a bit as far as specific details. That's easily avoidable if they amp up the action, allowing her less time to chat it up with Carl. But again, that dynamic still works much better than Daryl/Beth, and we're actually excited to see where it goes.

Verdict: Live


Carol (Melissa Suzanne McBride) - The Walking Dead _ Season 4, Episode 3 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC
Carol Peletier

We imagine the masses are pretty split when it comes to their feelings on Carol, as we've never quite been able to peg her down ourselves. On the one hand, we've seen her grow tremendously from a timid, battered housewife type, to a 'take charge and do what has to be done' type. The problem there is that she doesn't seem to realize when things HAVE to be done, and that makes her come off kind of stupid. Now that she sees that she doesn't have to take crap from anybody if she doesn't want to, she doesn't. Ever. That is going to get much more annoying, too, and ultimately, seals her fate as far as we are concerned. We'd rather see Daryl end up with someone else, anyways.

Verdict: Die


beth greene the walking dead
Beth Greene

Like we said, love her or hate her, Beth really screwed Daryl when she told him he'd be the winner of the zombie Royal Rumble, so to speak. Jeezus, she couldn't have at least knocked on wood? Come on! So far, Beth has given us little to root for, but now that Daryl has her back, we figure she's going to last at least as long as he will, regardless of how we feel about her. Besides, she's a character that, unlike others, we could see turning it around with the right storyline and some good writing. After all, we didn't expect her to even make it off the farm, let alone another two seasons. Plus, she's Maggie's sister, and that should say at least something about her potential as a survivor. Until they do something with her that would make the death meaningful in some way, we really don't see the point in cutting her loose. Eww, now we are starting to sound like her.

Verdict: Live (for now)


tyreese the walking dead
Tyreese

To be honest, Tyreese is kind of like Beth. Not physically, but regarding his story, what has he really been given to do so far? He lost someone he cared about, basically stopped caring until all hell broke loose, and now he's on the run with some kids he barely knows while the woman we assume killed his girlfriend tags along. Hey, wait a minute, those are actually some pretty good storylines. So why isn't he more interesting? In fact, why are we even debating this any further at all?

Verdict: Die


Sasha (Sonequa Martin-Green) - The Walking Dead _ Season 4, Episode 3 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC
Sasha

You would think that a character who started off as little more than an uninteresting character's sidekick would be just as, if not more, uninteresting, but Sasha has at least given us no reason not to like her. She seems to pull her weight, managed to survive the prison attack, and is well on her way to becoming one of the better characters on the show. But now that they've gotten her breakdown out of the way (seriously, though, shouldn't everyone be beyond the point of breakdowns by now?), we look forward to where they can take her character. In fact, we are banking on it with our pick here. Don't let us down, Sasha.

Verdict: Live


bob stookey the walking dead
Bob Stookey

The thing about Bob that makes him different than everyone else on this list is that we didn't like his character (like, at all) before they sort of retooled him in "Alone." He's gone from the shitty guy in the group with a drinking problem that not even an apocalypse will sway him from, to a genuinely great guy who just wants to stay together with this group because he's already been on his own twice. The problem for us is that this sudden change of character greatly resembled what they did with The Governor right before "Too Far Gone," which makes us think they are again just trying to make us like a person before pulling the rug out from under us and killing him off. But we really hope they don't, because his character exploration made us come around to him, and realize he could be an asset if he keeps it together.

Verdict: Live


Tara (Alana Masterson) and Glenn (Steven Yeun) - The Walking Dead _ Season 4, Episode 10 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC
Tara Chambler

We can predict where the story goes if Tara and Glenn find the rest of the group, and we are already dreading it:

Maggie: What's she doing here?! She was one of the Governor's people!
Glenn: She saved my life.
Beth: I won't feel comfortable with her around.
Carol: We should kill her.
Carl: I'll do it.
Rick: NO!
Daryl: We'll figure out another way.


And it goes on like that until someone decides to just take matters into their own hands and do the deed themselves after way too much time is spent on the issue. Let's just cut to the chase and save ourselves the frustration on this one.

Verdict: Die


abraham ford the walking dead
Sgt. Abraham Ford, Dr. Eugene Porter and Rosita Espinosa

These three are by far the most interesting development of the latter half of Season 4, and they have barely been touched upon. Killing them would be a colossal waste of time. Besides, we're pretty sure that at least one half of the overall story involves getting these three to Washington, D.C., so we can't wait to see the challenges that has in store, not to mention how things could and inevitably will go wrong when they get there. They had just better not kill Eugene before he can spill the beans on the cause of all this, or it will be the biggest cop out in TV history.

Verdict: Live, Live, Live


lizzie and mika samuels the walking dead
Lizzie & Mika Samuels

These two are both going down. Absolutely no one could possibly be rooting for them, regardless of how wrong that sounds considering that they are young girls. Seriously, though, Mika is about as clueless as they come, and Lizzie is a complete psychopath. While we admit that her story will at least keep our interest, that interest will be fleeting. So however it's all going to wrap up with her (most likely murdering Mika), it needs to happen hopefully by season's end, because nobody is going to care much longer than that.

Verdict: Die


judith the walking dead
Judith Grimes

Come on, we're not monsters here. Sure, Judith is a baby that can literally do nothing but poop and cry, but that only keeps things more interesting. Besides, she still needs to be reunited with Rick and Carl, otherwise keeping her alive in the first place served no purpose. And seeing as how the group coming back together will most likely be a Season 5 occurrence at the rate things are going, we're in no hurry to axe an infant for no purpose but shock value. Rock on, Lil' Asskicker.

Verdict: Live

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets


Meet the Man Who Has Mastered the Art of Crappy Homemade Cosplay

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Crappy homemade costumes are embarrassing if you didn't mean for them to be crappy. However, if you're doing it on purpose, the results can be glorious. The guy who hosts the Facebook page, Lowcostcosplay has mastered the art of the homemade costume and has even inspired others to try to top him. He has close to 100,000 likes, so he must be doing something right. These are some of the best crappy costumes to appear on the page:



See Also: Accidental Cosplay Fails

 

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10 Disappointing Final Films of Legendary Actors

10 of the Weirdest Theme Parks From Around the World

Reporter Tries to Run Away for His Sign-Off, Bites It Hard Live on the Air

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If you are a news reporter looking to change it up with a unique sign-off, watch this clip before you try any shenanigans. Paul Cicala of Tucson's KVOA News 4 tried to run away at the end of his sports report and, well, let's just say he should leave the athletics to the guys he reports on. At least the camera cut away almost immediately as Cicala smashes his face into the pavement, but the clip still got enough footage of the flop to live on forever on YouTube. Cicala later joked about the blooper on Twitter, promising not to "trip" again on the air. At least he learned his lesson.

 

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8 Totally Insane Animal Battles

This Is What An Earthquake Looks Like Live On The Air

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A substantial earthquake rocked Los Angeles this morning, registering a 4.4 on the Richter scale. The local news station KTLA was broadcasting a standard morning news report when the quake hit and the cameras were rolling the whole time. Anchors Chris Schauble and Megan Henderson both look shocked at first but immediately know to jump under their desks for cover. The quake is over rather quickly and the anchors immediately return to their seats and start reporting on what is happening in their studio as equipment and cameras continue to tremble around them. Talk about pros.

 

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Diver Wearing GoPro Camera is Attacked by a Shark

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A diver was culling lion fish in the West Caribbean Sea when a shark came from out of nowhere to attack him. He managed to fend the shark off initially and kept a close eye as the shark continued to circle him. The shark made a few more attempts at him, but the diver was able to fight the shark off. He understands that he was in the shark's environment and the shark was just acting accordingly, but it was still way too close of a call if you ask us.

Here is the what the diver, Jason Dimitri, had to say about the entire experience on his YouTube post:

"Caribbean Reef Shark encounter in the Western Caribbean Sea. We were Lion Fish Culling when the shark came out of no ware. It scared the crap out of me. Filmed on my GoPro 3 camera. We were in about 70' of water when the shark encounter occurred.

The Cayman Islands is where I learned to dive and one of the best dive locations in the world. I would strongly recommend that anyone take a vacation here to enjoy the beauty of its reefs. You will see amazing animals everywhere. I especially recommend night diving. I love this place and will continue diving here for the rest of my life. In no way did this encounter discourage me from getting back into the water.

I want to make it clear that I am hunting lion fish to help protect the reef from the destruction that they cause. The shark was acting in his natural environment. I have no ill will toward him and will get back in the water and continue to protect the reef for future generations. I would strongly encourage anyone out there to donate to REEF.org or other organizations to help protect our reefs, Sharks and the beautiful creatures in them. "

 

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Typos and Misspellings Can Really Ruin The Point You Are Trying To Make

12 Truly Unfortunate Names

This Bike Stunt Gone Wrong Doesn't End The Way You Think It Will

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There's nothing wrong with wanting to show off all of the stunts you can do on your motorcycle. Hey, if it's spectacular enough, you could end up an Internet sensation overnight. Then there's that other way you could end up with a highly-viewed video on YouTube: when something you're attempting goes hilariously wrong. If you know this site at all, you know that this video falls under the second category.

 

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Science, You've Done it Again. Working Dr. Octopus Arms Well On Their Way

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As if we didn't already have enough reasons to fear artificial intelligence, German engineers had to go and whip up something like this.


The bionic elephant trunk featured in the video above, which the engineering firm Festo provided proof-of-concept for three years ago, is now in full swing, so to speak. Meant to mimic the flexibility of the trunk of an elephant as opposed to any sort of human appendage, which people like Spider-Man will surely find comforting, the arms' unsettling resemblance to supervillain Dr. Octopus' robotic tentacles has not gone unnoticed.

However, according to Geekosystem, the mechanism is much more than just a scary looking prop. Made of pneumatic artificial muscles with 3D-printed segments attached to help it grip objects, the robot was also given artificial intelligence and muscle memory. In layman's terms, it learns through a system of trial and error that has been dubbed "goal babbling," adapting its own positioning and muscle behavior when picking up different objects.

While designed as a means to simply help humans in industrial environments grab things, one can't help but feel slightly on edge due to the mechanisms A.I., which has to be trained just like a human being in order to do its job correctly. We can definitely foresee this going terribly wrong.

Couldn't they have just taught it "Ace of Spades" instead?: Robot Band Rocks Out to Motorhead

 

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Man Rents Out Apartment, Comes Home to 'XXX FREAK FEST'

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Over the weekend, 31-year old comedian Ari Teman rented out his New York City apartment to Airbnb user David Carter, who was not only a verified member of the site, but had also been given several positive reviews. Yet, instead of using Teman's residence as a place for his brother and sister-in-law to stay for a wedding (which was the agreement), Carter had bigger plans in mind. Much bigger, as it turns out.

According to The NY Post, Teman handed his apartment keys off to Carter, then headed out to dinner before he planned to ship off for the weekend. When he returned to his place to grab luggage, he walked into a sex orgy filled with plus-sized women. As Teman put it, "The worst part of the Internet right there was in my apartment."
Web Ad for Orgy Story, airbnb orgy
Although Carter claims he was just having a small get together involving "friends and family," a quick search of Carter's phone number on the internet by Teman revealed what was really going on. Namely, "Turn Up Part 2: The Pantie Raid," as it was being advertised online. "XXX FREAK FEST" was also being thrown around for good measure. We pity the poor soul who unwittingly hosted Part 1.

Since the incident, Teman is being evicted from his apartment, but according to Gawker, reimbursed and given a new place to stay by Airbnb. Maybe he should leave renting out his apartment to the professionals next time. Oh, wait: Kinky Realtors Used Client's House as Sex Pad.

 

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