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Seattle Man Goes on Naked Rampage After Epic Drug Binge

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Let's be honest: If they make a movie out this, Gary Busey would be the odds on favorite to play this guy.

According to KOMO News, a man in this 30s was arrested Tuesday night after going on a drug-induced naked rampage in the Eastlake section of Seattle.
Seattle man goes on drug induced naked rampage
Seattle police received a complaint around 7:30 p.m. of a man who was naked from the waist down and throwing rocks at cars. When police found the man, they noticed he had also pulled out patches of hair from his head.

As police questioned the suspect, he gave them a fake name and ran off, but not before removing what little clothing he still had left and threatening the officers with a rock.

The cops eventually found him a half-mile away, lying in a planting strip. Once in custody, the man asked police for some clothing but then argued that it was too hot.

He also told police he had taken cocaine, LSD, methamphetamines and other drugs, so now this story should make a hell of a lot more sense.

He's not the first naked guy in the Pacific Northwest to wreak havoc in the streets: Naked Dude Hit By Car While Doing Push-Ups in the Street

 

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ThisIsMarkTwain@aol.com: Season 2, Episode 2

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Mark Twain made his not-so-triumphant return to YouTube last week in the Season 2 premiere of our hilarious web series ThisIsMarkTwain@aol.com, and this week he's trying even harder to gain back some fame and respect. However, things go south fairly quickly with Twain's interview with Huffington Post, and he ends up on a list that is surely not going to help his mission.

For more funny original content, subscribe to Mandatory's YouTube channel and be sure to follow Mark Twain on Twitter.

 

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How To: Be in a Band Without Being a Douche

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Don't be a douche if you are in a band
You just love music ... and so do your buddies! So it makes perfect sense to think up the worst possible band name on the planet, convince a local bartender to allow you to play your first gig and behold - Nuke Baby Whales (For Jesus) is born. Congrats! Unfortunately, brother, we've got some bad news for you; it's inevitable you're on your way to becoming a certifiable douche. Unless you follow a few simple rules, ignored by the majority of working musicians. Let's spell 'em out for you.

Don't be a douche if you are in a band
DON'T

* Don't wear your own band's T-shirt. Sure, the mushroom-in-the-shape-of-a-cross-coming-out-of-a-cartoon-whale's-blowhole is a clever design, and you need to self-promote, but not like this. Have some respect.

* Don't throw your tracks down at parties. Unless you really hate being invited to parties.

* Don't talk about how you struggle for your art. Sure, it's hard to be a working musician. But your non-musician frans (friends + fans) think it's a lot harder having a real job.

* Don't request a ridiculous rider, or trash the place you've been invited to play or stay. Promoters actually talk to each other, and it's a surefire way to blacklist NBW(FJ).

* Don't play too loud. There's one guy in every band who refuses to match his levels, and you don't want that guy to be you. How do you get your guitarist to play quieter? Put sheet music in front of him. And how do you get him to stop playing entirely? Put notes on the sheet music.

Don't be a douche if you are in a band
DO

* Show up on time for every rehearsal, load-in and gig. No one else cares why you were late, or what you were doing with which groupie, while they were waiting for you to grace them with your presence.

* Show up sober. NBW(FJ) is a great excuse to party, but do so during and after the show rather than before.

* Pitch in. Everybody loves the guy that sets up the merch display (and gets his girlfriend to volunteer to work it, while encouraging frans to sign up to the email list) and helps his band mates schlepp their equipment - not just his own.

* Practice solo. Sure, rehearsals are the perfect time to nail it as a group and shoot around new ideas. But if you show up to those rehearsals polished, and with a few ideas of your own, your band will improve at an accelerated pace.

* Play the peacekeeper. The more NBW(FJ) plays, the more time you'll be spending with the other members of your band; don't get into petty arguments or sweat the small stuff.

 

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Regional BBQ 101

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BBQ
There are few foods as intrinsically American as BBQ. Hell, even George Washington threw 'em back when we were just starting out, plating up pork ribs not too different from the ones we enjoy today. And though it's generally accepted that BBQ came into its own in the South (70 of the country's top 100 BBQ joints exist in the swathe of states between Texas and Virginia), each region puts its unique spin on things. Meat + smoke + a side of sauce equals a very different dish in Dallas than it does in Durham. So let's take a look at how meat's made great in different parts of the U.S.

BBQ
Carolina
A region so diverse it warrants two states, Carolina-style actually represents five different approaches to BBQ. It's all pork-based, be it pulled, shredded or chopped, and is often rubbed with spices and vinegar.

In North Carolina you've got the Eastern approach, which sees the use of the whole hog. Expect a thin sauce of vinegar and cayenne pepper. Go west (also called 'Lexington-style') and you'll be served pork shoulder dressed up with vinegar sauce and a bit of tomato paste.

Venture south and the main difference you'll encounter is in the sauce; the further west you go, the more peppery and ketchup-based your condiment will be; in the eastern part of the state, your juice's spicy and full of vinegar; square in the middle, expect some sweetness by way of mustard and molasses.

BBQ
Kansas City
Mo' meat, mo' fun is the saying in Missouri, as Kansas City-style BBQ isn't limited to pork ribs. The Show-Me State also smokes up chicken, turkey and beef, slow cooked low over hickory wood. The results are topped with a thick, spicy, sweet molasses-and-tomato sauce, which sets the region's BBQ apart. If you're a fan of the tangy taste that sticks to your fingers no matter how many Wet-Naps you use, you'll also enjoy the focus on side dishes in Kansas City BBQ; baked beans, fries and 'slaw are staples. But don't think that bottle of KC Masterpiece on your fridge door is the real deal (the packaged stuff's way sweeter than the authentic version).

BBQ
Memphis
In Memphis, the focus is back on pork ribs and shoulders, rubbed with paprika and garlic, and slow-cooked in a big pit. Order your rack either 'wet' or 'dry'; 'wet' ribs are marinated in a tangy, thin tomato-based sauce, and brushed with more throughout the cooking process, whereas 'dry' ribs are salted and spiced and served naked.

BBQ
Texas
In a state the size of two-dozen European countries, you can expect some subsets of the regional take on BBQ, but wherever you hang your cowboy hat you can expect your meat to come chopped rather than sliced.

East Texas BBQ is cooked slowly over hickory wood until it falls off the bone, and is served with a sweeter sauce than it's neighbors'. Out west, they use mesquite wood, which gives the meat a completely different flavor. Smack dab in the middle, they use pecan or oak wood; again, the wood used has a profound influence over the taste of the meat (due to how the myoglobin reacts with the smoke's carbon dioxide, because science). Down south, there's less pretext around the wood - the focus instead is on the thick, molasses-based sauce. Statewide hot sauce has become the go-to condiment to ensure your brisket brings tears to your eyes.

So there you have it. Who's hungry?

 

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Mandatory Viewing: Miley Cyrus Topless

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Welcome to Mandatory Viewing -- our weekly show where men talk sports, politics, current events, and really weird Internet videos they hope their children will never see. This week: Miley Cyrus topless, World Cup llamas, and much more.

 

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How To Fake Your Way Through The World Cup

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The most popular sporting event on the planet is taking place in Brazil ... and you probably have no idea what's going on. So here's our top tips to ensure you LOOK like you know what you're talking about when it comes to the World Cup.

 

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Watch This Police Chase on a Golf Course

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After watching this video, you might be less inclined to go off on your golfing buddy the next time his cell phone rings during your back swing.

According to CBS Minnesota, police chased a man wanted on theft and drug charges onto a Moorhead golf course Tuesday afternoon, and it was all captured on video by a golfer.

Cody Fuller was enjoying a nice afternoon at Village Green when 34-year-old Kendall Feist attempted to evade local police by hitting the links as well:



Fuller told reporters he could see golfers scattering and running all over the place, adding that his "eyes got about the size of golf balls."

Police eventually caught up with Feist at the West Acres Mall in Fargo, North Dakota, and he can now add fleeing police and property damage charges to his resume.

Speaking of property damage: Model Sues Playboy For Hitting Her in Butt During 'Golf Tee in Butt' Stunt

 

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Texas Marine Listed as Deceased Even Though He's Very Much Alive

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It's not everyday that you get a phone call from your mom in which she says, "Hey, you're dead."

But according to Click 2 Houston, that's exactly what happened to a United States Marine who served two tours of duty in Iraq and has been receiving disability checks from the Department of Veteran Affairs for the last seven years. Well, at least he was getting them.

US Marine classified as dead even though he's aliveJoe Morris said his parents received a condolence letter from the VA that said he died on April 1, and his wife is still getting them. The letters said that Morris had been classified as deceased, so he would no longer be receiving disability checks.

Morris was obviously still alive, so he contacted the VA to straighten things out. They told him it was a computer glitch that had automatically classified him as deceased, and "it had just done it on its own."

Morris thought the issue had been resolved, but the VA also contacted the Social Security Administration about his "death," and now he and his wife are having problems getting a loan to buy a house.

While it couldn't be confirmed, we'll make the assumption that the letters Morris's family received were supposed to be addressed to Corey Feldman's career instead.

Here's a Marine who can make everybody feel alive: Shannon Ihrke is One Sexy Marine

 

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Study Shows Having a TV in Your Bedroom Leads to More Sex

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Well, then it looks like I'll be installing four of them in my bedroom this weekend.

According to Your Tango, a recent study in the UK revealed that couples who have a television in their bedroom are having twice as much sex.

TV in the bedroom leads to more sex67 percent of those polled said they thought having a television in the bedroom led to a better sex life. Meanwhile, half of that 67 percent said they were thrilled they could watch their favorite television program and plow at the same time.

47 percent of those polled said they didn't necessarily watch what was on the television while they were going at it with their partner, and 26 percent said they thought having a TV would actually make them less intimate in the sack.

37 percent of those polled loved the idea of the TV in the bedroom because it meant they could watch porn with their partner. 29 percent said their partner usually puts something boring on the TV, so they would have sex just to distract them from terrible programming.

The bottom line is that if television can get the guy in that picture laid, then it should be able to seal the deal for everybody.

Or you could just be really funny instead: How to Make Girls Laugh ... All the Way to the Bedroom

 

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Texas Supermarket Tried to Sell Bull Penis as Human Food

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Finally, it looks like we have found something worse than eating Taco Bell.

According to KXAN, a Texas supermarket recently tried to sell bull penis to its customers and even went as far as labeling it as human food.

Texas supermarket sells bull penis as human food

MT Supermarket in Austin might soon find itself empty after the Texas Attorney General's Office slapped them with a lawsuit for selling "non-inspected, adulterated and misbranded beef pizzle as human food."

For those not up to speed with their animal penis terminology, "pizzle" is another word for a bull's boom stick. It is most commonly used to make chewable dog toys as well as specialty glues. Poor Fido.

The lawsuit is calling for $5,000 in fines against the supermarket as well as several employees, but let's be honest. If I'm one of the poor bastards who ate some pizzle because your store labeled it as "food," you better have at least $5 million ready to fork over. I mean, this isn't an episode of "Fear Factor."

While we can't be for certain, here's to at least hoping the supermarket still would have sued even if the bull's penis would have been inspected and unadulterated.

We're not sure how this works if you eat one: Somebody is Finally Offering Penis Insurance

 

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Today's Funny Photos

Nothing to Hate About Apple's iOS 8

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The annual developer's conference this June brought Apple announcements that, in turn, bring smiles and hard-ons to social techie junkies around the world. Herein we discuss the coming changes, new features and things thaiOS 8 previewt'll make a little pee come out. These aren't the only new features in iOS 8. These are just the crème de la crème.

Escape From Group Messages
The day has finally come that man will no longer sit through endless notifications of ignorant, semi-racist remarks from unknown numbers in a group conversation he never wanted to take part in. And on top of that, you can name, organize and invite people into group chats as you wish. And then you can leave once it's run its course. It's like getting a quiet, clean divorce without all the paperwork. Beautiful! Aside from that, you can send multiple photos and videos at once and later, when you're lonely and horny, you can pull up all the photo attachments at once.

Real Life LOLs!
Probably the most immediately abused feature is the innovative iMessage soundbite. Within a text conversation, you can now record your actual voice, sounds or songs to add right into the middle of the conversation. Now you can LOL for real; every man's dream. And the cherry on top is the new video feature, which allows for instant video recording in a message to be shared on a moment's notice. Bet you didn't think things could be any more instantaneous than they already were. You lost that bet.

Smart Keyboard
Grammar flunkies of the texting realm can rest easy, as iPhone's new smart keyboard will make them seem like English scholars. Its new predictive typing tries to get ahead of you byiOS 8 preview, smart keyboard guessing what you're going to type based on what you're typing and who you're typing to. Drunk texts have never looked so sterling. Tweens and their incessant texts have never been faster either. In addition, the keyboard offers a swiping style option, which allows users to run their finger from letter to letter instead of having to pinpoint type words. This is where the single sausage finger finally excels in life. What's next, world peace?

Interactive Mindblowers
Apple's mobile layout is becoming so convenient, it reminds us of the days when our mothers would always be there to take care of everything. The new interactivity of iOS 8 is a lot like that, nicely laying out notifications - incoming emails, texts and reminders - that we can respond to without disrupting our current activity. A cool new plus is the multitasking screen, which pops up with a double tap of the Home button and now offers recent and favorite contacts, in addition to recently opened apps, so you can get in touch with people more quickly. And Safari's great new layout, which arrived with iOS 7, is now available on iPad as well, so you can get the reading lists and iCloud connectivity of all devices for Safari searches right where you want them. The only thing iOS 8 doesn't do now is iron our pants and dress us in the morning. Good thing you still live at home!

Family Sharing Is CaringiOS 8 preview, family sharing
Finally, your mother will know what it means to be cool because now she'll have access to all the books, music and other iCloud storage you have on your devices. That can't go wrong at all. It's actually a clever idea, allowing families (up to six people) to share everything with one another, meaning if your dad buys a book, you can read it via iCloud family sharing, and you can get him back by buying a Fleetwood Mac record you can both share. Enjoyable family trips have never seemed more possible.

iCloud Orgy
A developer's dream just came true as iCloud is being fully utilized by sharing its documents across all devices in a very organized, very useful iCloud Drive. The same way we use hard drives for work, iCloud Drive shares files across mobile devices so you can pull up spreadsheets, presentations and images anywhere through your iCloud. Perfect for work productivity, iWork programs like Numbers, Keynote and Pages are more accessible, and all the edits are updated to the synced devices. For instance, you can start with an idea on your iPhone, type it up on your iPad and then edit and send from your computer. This orgy has no discernible order and prejudice when it comes to your work.

Health Junkies Get Funky
Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine has a chart on her behavior at every doctor's office she visits? Well, that's a real thing now. Health has never been more easily recorded and siOS 8 preview, health dashboardhared as HealthKit organizes everything from your fitness regime and stats, daily diet and heart rate. Things as telling as sleep habits and calories burned can be noted and sent to any person or practitioner of your choosing. Your blood pressure can be regularly kept up to date with your doctor. Your eating habits can be sent to a nutritionist and your daily heart rate can go to your fitness instructor to keep you honest. HealthKit is aimed to keep people in touch and current with their health status, and if sharing the number of times you masturbate with your therapist doesn't put everyone at ease, I'm not sure what will.

Handoff Is a Real Nice Handjob
Speaking of masturbation - sorry, I'm having a dry spell - the connectivity conquest known as Handoff is quite the little feature. Much like iCloud Drive, Handoff is exactly what it sounds like, an iCloud assistant that helps you start the race with one device and finish strong on another. Users can now swap devices mid-search, mid-text and mid-email thanks to the instant connectedness of iCloud. In other words, you can text your ex-girlfriend "please" on your iPad and finish with a strong "stop telling people you're pregnant with my child!" on your phone. Technology is cool, ain't it now?

Spotlight Gets Bright
We saw Spotlight coming into its own as the new, innovative search tool when iOS 7 rolled out, and now iOS 8 takes it little further, making it more predictable for the pathetically predictable human brain. What once was a simple search bar for your phone is now an intuitive search space iOS 8 preview, spotlightthat predicts (as you type) and pulls up the information you need instantly. Whether it's pointless information off Wikipedia, popular places nearby, or trends you crave, Spotlight is always on top of it. So the next time you want to know the score of the Bulls game, the address for the Italian place down the block or the number of times Ron Jeremy nailed so many girls his penis nearly fell off, Spotlight will tell you!

Photos Galore
The all-new Photos app exposes every photo on all your devices instantly from your iCloud Library. The new Photos makes finding and sharing easier by organizing them by time and location, allowing you to favorite your best and edit before you share. Speaking of editing, the new in-app tools make cropping, enhancing and filtering the color well enough you won't need second-hand editing apps and your changes are updates across all devices. Taking a good dick pic, editing and sharing from any device has never been easier for a politician.

 

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10 Movie Villains Who Overshadowed the Hero

If Travelocity Had Ratings for Movie Hotels

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In honor of Wes Anderson's "Grand Budapest Hotel" (out on Blu-ray this week), we've decided to cash in some miles and check out the availability of some of the best fictional lodges in movies. There's something for everyone - families, singles, the recently retired and the recently deceased. Just remember that even in a fleabag run by cannibals, the minibar is always a rip off.

 

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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

20 GIFs From 'The Simpsons' to Use in Lieu of a Verbal Response

This Is the Greatest Camp Letter a Kid Has Ever Written

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Just when I had started to fear for the youth of this country, this kid comes along to completely redeem them. The kid, who covers all of the most important aspects of camp life, makes sure that his parents sure as hell won't be bored by his letter. The closing line is one for the record books and will probably be my new email signature from this moment on.

 

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From Briefcase Model to Movie Star: The Lovely Anya Monzikova

Today's Funny Photos

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