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If you think humans have some weird sexual preferences and traditions, wait until you see what our friends in the animal kingdom prefer. Forget the amount of money you spent on that online dating profile, these guys are giving their lives for a chance at a night of passion. Here are some of the most bizarre animal sex facts you've ever seen.
1. Which Animal Has The Largest Clitoris?
I know you lie in bed every night wondering which animal has the biggest clitoris. Well, rest easy tonight because the blue whale holds that distinct honor. When she is fully grown, her clitoris is around three feet long.
2. Flatworms Battle With Their Penises
Flatworms have both male and female organs, so their mating process is interesting to say the least. Two of them will start a sort of duel as they each try to jab their penises in one another. Whoever wins not only gets to penetrate the other, but also doesn't have to get pregnant and give birth. It's a weird way to win a fight, in my opinion, but I could be wrong.
3. Seahorses Are Monogamous
You've probably heard that seahorses flip gender roles as the males get pregnant, but did you know that they're also monogamous? Once a seahorse chooses a mate, they stay with that same mate for life. Awwww.
4. Banana Slugs Often Get Stuck During Sex
If it were up to me, every type of slug would be wiped off the planet. They're disgusting and live in my nightmares. Unfortunately that's not the case and they'll keep reproducing. The banana slug will sometimes get stuck to one another during sex and so both slugs will bite on the male's penis until they disconnect.
5. Female Bedbugs Don't Have a Vagina
Instead of sex being a romantic act with lit candles and a Keith Sweat album, for bedbugs it's something much more violent. Since the females don't have vaginas, the males use their needle-like penises to drill a hole into the female and inject sperm directly into the female's body. Yikes.
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6. Dolphins Can Swivel Their Penises
Not only can they helicopter their penises like no other creature, they can also retract it and use it to feel out objects, like it's an extra arm. They're extremely sexually aggressive and will try to penetrate almost anything, including other animals or just random objects.
7. Luckily, Dolphins Have Terrible Sexual Stamina
As aggressive as dolphins are sexually, they're not exactly top-notch performers. Their average time of sex is around 12 seconds. Good job, fellas. Don't feel bad for them, because they're pretty much all jerks. They've been known to force themselves on females, which makes all those cute dolphin shows at the zoo kind of terrifying.
8. Clownfish Can Change Gender
Did you know Nemo's dad could also be Nemo's mom? Clownfish are all born as males. Obviously this is a problem for procreation, so they can actually change sexes in order to become a dominant female.
9. Kangaroos Have Three Vaginas
And you thought the coolest thing about a kangaroo was her pouch. Kangaroos actually have three vaginas and two uteruses. They're lined up in a row, with the middle one being used only as a birthing canal for their babies. The other two are used for loose change and smuggling cigarettes into prisons, I suppose.
10. Which Animal Has The Biggest Penis?
Just like with the clitoris, the whale also has the biggest penis. The average whale's penis is 8 feet long. Not only are they massive in size, they can also move it around in order to get a better penetration of the female. It's, of course, for her pleasure.
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11. Elephants Get Erections to Help Climb Trees
Elephants have giant penises. They're so big that they're often used an additional leg for balance and even swatting away pests. If they're trying to get food out of a high tree, they'll get an erection and use that as a middle leg to hold them up and help reach the top of the tree. Do your thing, guys.
12. Pandas Enjoy Porn
Most pandas in captivity have little desire to mate. Their sexual desire was so low that a research base in China decided to show them videos of pandas having sex in order to stimulate them. It actually worked, so now many zoos will show them some panda porn videos to keep them in the mating mood.
13. Honey Bees' Testicles Explode During Sex
When a queen bee is ready for mating a few chosen male drones will fly with her and try to mate with her. The "lucky" winner will penetrate her and then his penis explodes and breaks off inside of the queen. He'll also die. There is no night of sex you've had that's worse than this.
14. You'll Never Guess How Long an Alligator Has An Erection
There's no need for Viagra in the alligator world. A male alligator will maintain an erection for their entire life. Not one per day, but 24 hours of every day of their entire life they have an erection. There are too many jokes here and I need to go lie down for a bit.
15. How Does the Praying Mantis Keep Having Sex After the Female Eats the Male's Head?
Most of you have probably heard that a female praying mantis eats the head of her lover while they're having sex. But how does he keep going? In addition to the brain in his head, he also has a "bottom brain" that keeps the body going so sex can finish after he's been eaten.
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16. Female Hyenas Have Pseudopenises
The female hyena has a larger clitoris than you'd expect, not that you had put much thought into the clitoris of a hyena. They even have the ability to make it erect whenever they want. In mating, the male hyena has to struggle to fit his penis inside of the erect clitoris. It sounds like a great night where everyone is going to leave satisfied and happy, doesn't it?
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Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor mentioned in the email that the EPA was talking with a workplace violence expert after several disturbing incidents, including the clogging of several toilets with paper towels and, of course, human fecal matter being found in a hallway.
