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How to Compliment Your Girlfriend's Mom

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How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

Since there's no way you're going to win dad over when you're dating his little girl, you might as well try your luck with her mom. Here are some non-creepy suggestions for complimenting your lady's old lady when invited over for that fateful first dinner meet-up.

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

1) Tell her she looks nice

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

2) Say that you love her taste in furniture

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

3) Bringing flowers never hurts

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

4) Alternatively, a nice side dish?

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

5) Make sure you comment on how delicious her cooking is

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

6) Tell her that her daughter looks just like her

How to compliment your girlfriend's mom

7) And thank her for raising such an amazing woman

 

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Jessica Vaugn is a Playboy Vixen

The Slow Mo Show: Getting Punched in the Face

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Welcome to the Slow Mo Show, where we take cool things back a few steps to show you how awesome they really are. This week? We took a punch to the face, kicked soccer balls at a pretty girl's head, and more. In the name of science.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

Sometimes People Attempt To Hack Life And Fail Miserably

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Look, if you're looking for some kind of cool shortcut for something, this ain't the place. All of the following attempts at making life a little bit easier should never happen again. If any of you out there are responsible for the following pictures, I'm surprised you can even read this. All of these failed hacks are so unbelievably dumb, they're almost genius.










Failed Hacks

 

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What If Told You: The Best of the Matrix Morpheus Meme

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The Matrix Morpheus meme is awesome for a couple of reasons. First of all, it offers all sorts of sage advice to the annoying people in your life. Secondly, it comes from a famous movie phrase that doesn't even exist. (Check the tape - Morpheus never says "What if I told you...") Either way, here is a collection of our favorite Matrix Morpheus phrases.

matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you
matrix morpheus meme what if i told you

 

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The Most Expensive Film Props

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There are truly some diehard movie fans out there. Before you say you're one of them, you should take a look at this infographic. If you consider yourself diehard and haven't spent your child's future education on a Velociraptor cage or a full scale model of a T-800 from the Terminator films, then you're pretty much a disgrace to term. All of the props on this list sold for thousands to millions of dollars. Only in Hollywood can a dress cost more than a car.


most expensive film props

 

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Where to Escape the Last of the Summer Heat

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Escape the heat

Face it -- summer's over. But tell that to your omnipresent back sweat, the tropical storms on both coasts and heat waves in between. You may no longer be able to get away with flip flops in the office, but you're quite likely still in need of a place to chill out, literally, so here's a list of unique places to escape the last of the summer heat.

Escape the heat

At an Ice Bar (23 degrees)
The Ice Bar concept isn't new -- they've popped up all over the world -- but if you haven't been, here's what to expect: upon arrival you'll pay a hefty cover; and at the coat check, rather than handing something over, you'll be given a heavy down jacket, as the temperature inside's kept below freezing.

Escape the heat

Each Ice Bar has its own signature drink, though you may be tempted to order a warming scotch, straight up. In the US there're Ice Bars in New York and Orlando, and further afield you'll find them as far flung as Sydney, London, Tokyo and Paris.

Escape the heat

At an Indoor Ski Slope (30 degrees)
If you're serious about shredding, or just totally miss layering, carve it up at an indoor ski slope. The most famous of which, Ski Dubai, features five runs spread over three football fields of fake snow, in the middle of a mall, in the heart of the desert.

Escape the heat

An even larger indoor field, complete with a terrain park, is Snow World in Holland. Can't leave the country (hey, we all got problems)? Mini Mountain's an indoor ski and snowboard school in Bellevue, Washington where you can cool off and prep for winter.

Escape the heat

In Barrow, Alaska
You can also stay stateside (just barely) by heading to the northernmost settlement in all of North America. Barrow's above the Arctic Circle, so even at its warmest you'll need a coat (you weenie). Bonus: the sunset's followed by sunrise in just a few minutes, which is pretty surreal. Downside: there are no bars in Barrow, and locals need a permit to order booze from Fairbanks (500 miles south).

 

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Sweet Glow-in-the-Dark Sports

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Glow-in-the-dark sports

If the first thing that comes to mind when you hear "blacklight" is that 20/20 documentary on how gross motel rooms actually are, it's time to readjust your thinking; we're willing to bet these glow-in-the-dark sports are more fun than any laser tag party you've been to.

1) Volleyball
There's no excuse for hitting the net when it's glowing in the dark.

Glow-in-the-dark sports

2) All-Wheel Sports
Dorney Park's All-Wheel Sports Show has an entire segment dedicated to tricked out, glow-in-the-dark stunts.

Glow-in-the-dark sports

3) Foosball
America's favorite bar game comes in a glow-in-the-dark version, and can be all yours ... for a certain price.

Glow-in-the-dark sports

4) Basketball
Any room can become a glow-in-the-dark B-ball party room with the right decals (especially if your girlfriend helps on the Pinterest front).

Glow-in-the-dark sports

5) Tennis
It's easier to score love in the dark (admit it).

Glow-in-the-dark sports

6) Skateboarding
Get your ollies on late at night at this glow-in-the-dark skate park in France.

Glow-in-the-dark sports

7) Surfing
No word on whether or not this glow-in-the-dark surfboard attracts sharks ...

Glow-in-the-dark sports

8) Bowling
Glow-in-the-dark bowling will distract everyone from the fact you still need bumpers.

 

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The Second Careers of Famous Athletes

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Famous athlete second careers
Being a pro-athlete comes with a ton of perks, but with an average career span of just 5-10 years, most retired pros find themselves looking for a second act. Luckily, these eight athletes found something else to do besides bingo and crosswords. Derek Jeter, take note!

1) George Foreman
Who would've thought this two-time World Heavyweight Boxing champ would end up selling a glorified hot plate? In one of the biggest athlete endorsements in history, George was paid $127.5 million (roughly 63,500,000 lbs worth of turkey burgers) to put his name on the Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. Over 100 million units've been sold since the 1995 launch.

Famous athlete second careers

2) Arnold Schwarzenegger
You know him as the Terminator (and today as the Governator), but back in the 1970s Arnold made a name for himself in the pro bodybuilding world, and took home the Mr Olympia title a whopping seven times. Arnold is technically on his fourth career (as a politician); his lesser-known third career, as a restauranteur played out in 2003, when he founded Planet Hollywood with Demi Moore, Bruce Willis, and Sylvester Stallone.

Famous athlete second careers

3) Franco Harris
You probably weren't even a twinkle in your father's eye back when Franco Harris was helping the Pittsburgh Steelers earn four Super Bowl championships. He was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1990 (you might've been old enough to watch Rugrats by then). Harris went on to invent Super Bakery, a healthy doughnut shop that supplies guilt-free doughnuts to all 50 states -- because the only thing more American than playing football just might be eating doughnuts.

Famous athlete second careers

4) Mo Vaughn
What do you do when you retire from being one of the highest paid baseball players of your time? Three-time All-Star Mo Vaughn of the Boston Red Sox, Anaheim Angels, and New York Mets turned his concerns to low-income housing, and was probably one of the only people in real estate to actually make money during the recession. Vaughn founded his real estate firm, Omni New York, in 2004; it buys properties using government incentives, fixes them up, and manages them. He added 1,000 units to his firm alone in 2007-2008, and has over 8,000 units today (that's 40 times more offices than Starbucks in NYC).

Famous athlete second careers

5) Dhani Jones
A decent number of athletes go on to host sports shows, but not many also build their own creative agencies and start fashion movements. After 11 years as an NFL linebacker, Dhani Jones hosted his own sports-centric shows, built the brand innovation agency VMG Creative, and founded The BowTie Cause -- an organization that serves underprivileged youth, inspired by Jones' late friend Kunta Littlejohn, who once told him, "If you wanna be somebody, you've gotta rock a bow-tie."

Famous athlete second careers

6) Shaquille O'Neal
While Shaq was making basketball history throughout the 90's and 2000's, he moonlit at every on-camera opportunity (literally -- he even appeared in Aaron Carter's music video). He threw down some pretty catchy beats on his platinum album, "Shaq Diesel" in 1993, and even became a reserve officer for Los Angeles County (... can you imagine getting arrested by the genie from Kazaam?).

Famous athlete second careers

7) Heath Shuler
With an NFL career as unspectacular as Heath Shuler's, you need to come up with a noteworthy second act. Shuler graduated with one of the highest passing records at the end of his college football career, but after being drafted by the Washington Redskins, he played just four seasons -- with 15 touchdowns to 33 interceptions. He then went on to become a US congressman. Turns out he was much better at passing bills than he was at passing footballs.

Famous athlete second careers

8) Michael Jordan
What's a guy to do after his third time retiring from the NBA? Buy a team, of course. In 2010, Jordan gained majority ownership of the Charlotte Bobcats -- making him the first former NBA player to ever go owner. But Jordan is no one (or two) trick pony -- he's a published author and a former minor league baseball player -- not to mention that time he saved the universe from aliens in Space Jam.

Athletes with second careers

9) Rashard Mendenhall
We're used to seeing retired athletes take to the big screen for cameos, but former NFL running back Rashard Mendenhall is taking a more behind-the-scenes approach. Mendenhall started publishing his thoughts on the Huffington Post back in 2012, speaking on his decision to retire at 26 after just six years with the NFL. He recently announced that he'll be writing for an HBO show, set to premiere next summer.

Athletes with second careers

10) Jonathan De Falco
De Falco quit his pro-athlete career at 26 as well, after playing right-back for soccer teams in Brussels and Belgium. He also got into show business -- as in, showing it all as porn star "Stany Falcone" in various gay pornos, winning the Hustlaball award for Best Newcomer in the Gay Porn Industry -- because, who needs a lousy World Cup trophy anyway?

Athlete second careers

11) Giovanni Carmazzi
Giovanni Carmazzi never played a single game during his roster season with the San Francisco 49ers. Today, he owns 5 goats, no TV, and lives off the grid in Northern California.

Athlete second careers

12) Tony Siragusa
This former NFL defensive tackle spent 12 seasons with the Indianapolis Colts and Baltimore Ravens. We weren't surprised to see him on The Sopranos playing Frankie Cortese, or even hosting the show Man Caves on the DIY network -- but we never would've guessed this tough guy would be appear in commercials for Depend for Men.

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

Steven Tyler Tells the Ladies They Can Sit on His Face

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Aerosmith is in Atlanta for a show tonight at the Phillips Arena, and lead singer Steven Tyler is doing his best to clean himself up for it.

According to Defamer, Tyler tweeted a pic of his new clean-shaven look last night and told the ladies of the world that as long as he has this face, "y'all have somewhere to sit."


As expected, an invitation like that drew quite the response on Twitter. It has been favorited more than 5,900 times and retweeted more than 4,900 times, and based on some of the comments left by his female fans, it sounds the invitation might have been responsible for some wrecked panties:
Let's be honest, Billie Messenger: Bareback with a guy who's been part of the rock scene since the '60s is probably just as dangerous as a game of Russian Roulette.

See if Tyler made the list: Rock History's Greatest Frontmen

 

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20 Worst Things You Could Say During A Eulogy

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Giving a eulogy comes with a tremendous amount of pressure because you're basically in charge of summing up a friend or family member's entire life in a matter of minutes. How do you define a lifetime with just a few sentences? It can be difficult, but to help you out, here are 20 of the worst things you could say during a eulogy. The first step in finding what to say is to eliminate what not to say, right?

1. "Not a lot of people knew this about Greg, but he stole a lot. Like, all the time. He probably stole from you, actually."

2. "I remember this one time when Greg caught me on the Nanny Cam making love to his wife..."

3. "Greg, or as we liked to call him around the office, 'that human piece of garbage we pray will die'..."

4. "Sure, in the eyes of the law Greg was considered a traitor to his country, but he was one heck of a bowler..."

5. "Greg may not have been allowed within 500 feet of a school, but he was definitely allowed within 500 feet of our hearts..."

6. "Greg sure did love whores..."

7. "My first memory of Greg was when he stabbed a Juggalo at a Papa Roach concert in 2005..."

8. "Greg would spend hours in the bathroom and he always had blood on his hands when he came out. We didn't know what he was doing, but we still loved him."

9. "No one did a better Borat impression than Greg. That was the most important part of his life."

10. "I'm going to miss Greg, but now that he's gone there's no other witnesses to what happened last July in the swamp, and for that I'm grateful."

11. "If there's a silver lining to Greg's passing it's that his smoking hot wife is now single. What's up, Samantha?"

12. "If Greg was here today he'd say, "Who invited all these black guys?" Greg was so racist."

13. "Eh, it happens."

14. "Steve was my best friend. I mean Greg. Greg was my best friend. Well maybe not best friend, but we hung out a couple times."

15. "How do you sum up Greg in one word? Easy...fat."

16. "Can I unfollow him on Twitter now or do I need to wait a few days?"

17. "Let's remember all the important things Greg did. Like when he borrowed my lawnmower and never gave it back. Can I come over and pick that up today? Thanks."

18. "How long do I need to speak because I really don't have that much to say at all?"

19. "If there's one thing Greg had no interest in whatsoever, it was his family."

20. "At least now he's in a place where the herpes don't matter anymore. Rest in peace, Greg."

 

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Here's the Weirdest Sex Toy Review You Will Ever Read (We Hope)

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We're not sure which part of this review is crazier, the fact that 454 other people found the review helpful, or that somebody thought a chin strap dildo was a great idea for an Easter gift.
crazy sex toy review
According to Uproxx, "The Accommodator" is a chin strap dildo that can be yours for less than 28 bucks at AdamEve.com (caution: NSFW link), and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what it's normally used for.

But according to "Robotom," who took the time to write one of The Accommodator's 65 reviews, the face dildo can also be quite handy when you're shopping for donuts or trying to get into your apartment complex:

The other day, while I was carrying my Starbucks and groceries, I stopped at a convenience store for a snack. I asked for 4 of those warm donuts that they keep under the heat lights. Not wanting to put down my groceries and coffee, I was able to carry my donuts OUT of the store, holding them casually on my ever equipped Accommodator. Later, after I took the train back to my apartment, drawing many impressed stares, I found myself in a similar position, distressed at the prospect of setting my lettuce down on the grimy, stained floor of the elevator. Using my engineering mind, I cleverly used my Accommodator to press the floor 6 button. This was the BEST Easter gift ever!

Thanks Robotom! It looks like we'll be using the stairs a little more often.

Apparently sex toys can also be weapons: New Mexico Woman Arrested for Beating Her Mom With a Vibrator

 

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Yankees Catcher Takes Foul Ball to the Junk

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Just squatting behind home plate 130 games every year takes a toll on a catcher's body, so we can't even imagine what something like this does to it.

The New York Yankees curb stomped David Price and the Detroit Tigers last night thanks to an eight-run third inning in which the Yanks pounded out nine consecutive hits off the Tigers lefty. Still, that wasn't even close to being the worst beating somebody suffered in the game.

In the bottom of the fifth inning, Detroit's Raji Davis fouled off an 0-1 pitch that sent Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli to the dirt in a heap of pain. To add insult to injury, the YES announcers thought Cervelli got popped in his collarbone when in fact the Yankees backstop had really taken it in his nads:


"That is not the collarbone, nope."

Even if you're a Red Sox fan, that's painful to watch.

We thought this was the most painful thing we had seen at a baseball game this year until poor Cervelli took one to the stones: There is Somehow a New Worst First Pitch of All Time

 

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Mandatory Viewing: JLo Rear-Ends Iggy Azalea

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Welcome to Mandatory Viewing -- our weekly show where men talk sports, politics, current events, and really weird Internet videos they hope their children will never see. This week: when JLo rear-ends Iggy Azalea, a major rope swing fail, and more.

 

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The Josh Shaw Story Creator

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Last weekend, USC senior cornerback and team captain Josh Shaw injured his ankles then told the world an unbelievably heroic tale of how it happened. Shaw said he jumped from the second story of an apartment complex, then crawled to a nearby pool to save his 7-year-old nephew, which he did using solely upper body strength. Pretty amazing, right? Oh, except for the fact that it turns out the story was entirely fabricated.

We don't know exactly what happened yet, but we thought we'd tweak our Excuse Creator, to help Josh Shaw come up with another story for when the times comes.

Josh Shaw Excuse, Josh Shaw Lie, Josh Shaw Story Creator

 

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Lauren Houldsworth is Worth the Wait

Today's Funny Photos

How Many More Movies Does Your Favorite Superhero Have? Breaking Down Marvel Universe Contracts

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From Robert Downey Jr. to a legion of shirtless dudes named Chris, the Marvel movie universe is growing in size and star power by the month. You've probably heard that some of the key players have signed ridiculous, eternal contracts that will have them donning mech suits well into the next millennium, but the reality is that many of them have already checked off a huge chunk of their contracted heroism.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Contract Length: Movie to movie (just re-upped for two more films)
Number Fulfilled: 4 ("Iron Man," "Iron Man 2," "The Avengers," "Iron Man 3")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron," Untitled "Avengers 3"
Future: Rumors he'll sign up for "Iron Man 4," then ... who knows? Does Don Cheadle's Rhodey take the Iron Man mantle, as he did in the comics?



CHRIS EVANS
Contract Length: 6 films
Number Fulfilled: 3 ("Captain America: The First Avenger," "The Avengers," "Captain America: The Winter Soldier")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron," Untitled "Avengers 3," Untitled "Captain America 3"
Future: We've been introduced to two men who have been bequeathed Cap's shield in the comics - Sam Wilson/Falcon and Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier - so there are options seeing as Evans' run is all but in the books. Marvel just signed up Winter Soldier Sebastian Stan to a 9-picture deal, so he's the favorite.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Contract Length: 6 films
Number Fulfilled: 3 ("Thor," "The Avengers," "Thor: The Dark World")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron," Untitled "Thor 3," Untitled "Avengers 3"
Future: A surprising variety of people have wielded Mjolnir in the comics, including a woman, a frog and a horse-faced alien. Hemsworth is replaceable.



SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Contract Length: 9 films
Number Fulfilled: 6 ("Iron Man," "Iron Man 2," "Thor," "Captain America: The First Avenger," "The Avengers," "Captain America: The Winter Soldier")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
Future: Sam is both flexible (his appearances on the TV series "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." don't count against his contract) and an actor who never turns down a role. There's probably a re-up coming his way.

MARK RUFFALO
Contract Length: 6 films
Number Fulfilled: 1 ("The Avengers")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
Future: Are you ready for some more Hulk? Marvel hopes so, since Ruffalo's barely made a dent in his contract and he's already the third guy to play Bruce Banner.



SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Contract Length: Movie to movie
Number Fulfilled: 3 ("Iron Man 2," "The Avengers," "Captain America: The Winter Soldier")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
Future: Scarlett (and fans) have been clamoring for a Black Widow solo movie. The success of "Lucy" might just make that happen



JEREMY RENNER
Contract Length: Movie to movie
Number Fulfilled: 2 ("Thor," "The Avengers")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
Future: "How do we up the ante in 'Avengers 2'?" "I guess an Avenger has to die." <whole room turns to stare at Renner awkwardly>




SEBASTIAN STAN
Contract Length: 9 films
Number Fulfilled: 1 ("Captain America: The Winter Soldier")
What's Next: "Avengers: Age of Ultron" (unconfirmed), Untitled "Captain America 3"
Future: His first appearance as Bucky in Cap 1 was pre-contract, so Marvel clearly has big plans for Stan. Probably involving a lot of red, white and/or blue.


ANTHONY MACKIE
Contract Length: Movie to movie
Number Fulfilled: 1 ("Captain America: The Winter Soldier")
What's Next: Mackie's been openly begging to appear in "Avengers: Age of Ultron," but probably won't.
Future: Looking like sidekick city.





CHRIS PRATT
Contract Length: 7 (possibly 8)
Number Fulfilled: 1 ("Guardians of the Galaxy")
What's Next: Untitled "Guardians of the Galaxy 2"
Future: A hell of a lot more Star Lord, which is great, so long as his crew is locked up, too.

 

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