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Appalling Celebrity Crimes That Nobody Seems to Care About

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Fame has its perks - oceans of cash, legions of followers, mile-long queues of women fluttering anxiously for an autograph on the boobies - and sometimes such privilege even comes with slipping through the cracks of livid public scrutiny or even cheating lengthy prison sentences. Here are some of the most notorious examples of famous people causing immeasurable harm and somehow remaining spotless in the eyes of adoring fans, media and the world at large.

Liberace Was a Legit Pedoliberace and scott thorson, celebrity crimes

Liberace's career is adorned with two Emmy Awards, six gold albums, two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and a reckless sex/social life that inevitably led to his death in 1987. Orphan runaway Scott Thorson was 16 when he met Liberace, and he immediately sunk into the promiscuous drug-addled lifestyle Liberace celebrated. Thorson claims he and Liberace bumped uglies right after they met, making this a clear-cut case of statutory buggering.

'Twas a creepy father-son romance, too: Liberace paid for extensive plastic surgery to make Thorson look like him, even though he was 40 years his junior. Michael Jackson later cozied up with Thorson as well, but that's a whole other bag of pedophilic potato chips to be opened later.


On Elvis Presley: "Fourteen was a magical age with Elvis. It really was."
elvis presley and young girls, elvis presley sex offender, celeb crimes
Elvis called them "young cherries," and he gravitated toward them with the irrepressibility of a crack addict on a coke farm. He met his future wife Priscilla Beaulieu when she was 14. Eighteen was simply too old for "The King." He fooled around with Jackie Rowland, 14, whom he taught to "kiss in a grownup way," Frances Forbes, 13, Sandy Ferra, 14, and Reeca Smith, 14.

Despite decades of apparent pederasty, Presley received a Lifetime Achievement Award at 36, three Grammy Awards, multiple inductions into the Hall of Fame and generations of adulation the world over.

woody allen mugshot, celeb crimes, woody allen sex offender
Stepdaughter Claims Woody Allen Molested Her

Self-absorbed neurotic director-writer-comedian-actor Woody Allen possibly (probably) molested stepdaughter Dylan Farrow when she was seven. In 1993, Farrow was playing with her brother's train set in Connecticut when Allen walked in and slid his fingers up her dress (as stated by Farrow). She hasn't changed her story in two decades, and Allen went on to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award in 2014 at the Golden Globes.


Jay-Z Stabbed a Dude in the Stomach ... With a Knife ... a Sharp One

In Manhattan's Kit Kat Club in 1999, Jay-Z became furious after hearing a bootleg copy of "Vol. 3: The Life and Times of S. Carter" had been leaked. All signs pointed to record producer Ljay-z arrested, jay-z stabbing, celeb crimesance "Un" Rivera as the culprit. Instead of politely asking whether the rumor were true, Mr. Carter jabbed his knife into Rivera's abdomen.

He was initially sentenced to 15 years for felony assault, but because fame is invariably used as a tool for exculpation, he paid an undisclosed sum between $500,000 and $1 million to Rivera - which, in normal people's money, would translate to roughly $161 to $322. Since then, this pretty-much attempted murderer has racked up 47 different awards including Grammy for Best Rap Album, a BET Award for Best Rap Artist and the time-honored Soul Train Award for Best Music Video.


The King of Pop Was the King of Popping Young Boys

Although everyone knows deep down Michael Jackson probably did what he did, the day michael jackson mugshot, celebrity crimeshis scientifically engineered face laid to rest, it were as if a modern-day Jesus had died. Jackson spent $35 million covering up boys' tales (tales, not tails). Child actor Wade Robson recently came out and claimed he was seven when Jackson began the horseplay, lasting until he was 14. "He performed sexual acts on me and forced me to perform sexual acts on him."

When Jackson died, an online lottery attracted 1.2 million applicants to try to attend his memorial within 24 hours. Cultural icons Magic Johnson, Diana Ross, Nelson Mandela, Queen Latifah, Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder and Kobe Bryant gave fawning, glowing and stirring eulogies. And then NAMBLA inducted him into the Hall of Fame.

tim allen mugshot, celeb crimes
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor Arrested for Possessing 650 Grams of Cocaine

I grew up watching "Home Improvement." I had no idea my celluloid father figure pleaded guilty to drug trafficking charges in 1976 for having 1.43 pounds of coke on his person. Tim Allen spent two years and four months at the Federal Correctional Facility in Sandstone, Minnesota - time presumably spent perfecting the art of carpentry. Subsequently, Allen was arrested in 1997 for drunk driving after blowing a respectable .15.


Marky Mark: The Vietcong Slayer
marky mark, mark wahlberg young, celeb crimes
Mark Wahlberg is a badass - he tries to make that abundantly clear in his movies. However, did you know that in 1987 he once blinded a diminutive Vietnamese man with a large wooden stick? Hurling racial epithets, Wahlberg attacked two Saigon immigrants. He released "Good Vibrations" with the Funky Bunch four years later and is now everyone's favorite bad-acting multimillionaire.

For one more example of an awful yet disregarded crime committed by a celeb, check out #11 of this: 11 Totally Adorable Facts About Hardcore Gangsta Rappers

 

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The Slow Mo Show: Mentos & Soda Explosion

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The Slow Mo Show: Mentos & Soda Explosion

Welcome to the Slow Mo Show, where we take cool things back a few steps to show you how awesome they really are. This week? We went crazy with Mentos and soda. In the name of science.

 

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Mandatory Viewing: Beyonce's Bikini Break-in

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Mandatory Viewing: Beyonce's Bikini Break-in

Welcome to Mandatory Viewing - our weekly show where men talk sports, politics, current events, and really weird Internet videos they hope their children will never see. This week: Beyonce crashes a wedding (in a bikini), a lady streaks a major stadium game, and more.

 

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Are These Reality Shows Real Or Fake?

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reality shows real or fake

There's little doubt that the increase in reality shows is the cause for most of the problems in the world today. Are you really going to try and tell me the Benghazi wasn't a direct result of "Storage Wars"? If you think all of the shows you see on TV these days are awful, you need to put your knowledge to the test and see if you can tell which of these reality shows are real and which ones we made up. I can almost guarantee you won't get all of them right. Reality television feels like the death of art. Enjoy!

(Scroll down for the answer key)

1. Sperm Race
A bunch of men donate sperm and then we watch as the sperm race to see which will get to the egg first. The winner gets a new car.

2. More to Love
This would be a similar style to most dating shows where a man chooses between a group of girls, except the man and all the girls would be plus-sized.

3. Shark Love
Cameras follow a deep-sea diver that is convinced a shark he encountered years ago is actually the love of his life as he searches the seas for his dream shark.

4. Bikini Barbershop
A show that covers the life and antics of a group of women at a barbershop in Jersey that requires all its stylists to wear bikinis.

5. Pawn Pirates
A group of modern day pirates open a pawn shop, but what people don't know is that most of the store's merchandise has been stolen from ships at sea.

6. Chains of Love
One contestant picks between four different possible romantic interests and then must be literally chained to them for days to see if the relationship would last.

7. I Want to Marry "Harry"
Women go into the show thinking they're competing for the heart of Prince Harry, but it's just a guy who really looks like him.

8. American Hoggers
A group of Texans hunt wild hogs and help people get rid of the ones that have been causing havoc on their property.

9. I Want a New Mommy
Teenage and adult children confront their widowed fathers about the idea of a sex change so they can have a motherly figure in their lives again.

10. Playing It Straight
A woman has to pick between a group of men for a love interest, but the catch is that some of them are actually gay and pretending to be straight.

11. Who's Your Daddy
People who were given up for adoption as a baby get to meet 25 different men and try to figure out which one is actually their birth father.

12. Panda Hunters Exposed
Cameras go deep undercover in the jungles of Asia and follow around a secret group of underground panda hunters that capture them and sell them on the black market as pets.

13. Dating Naked
Think of "Naked and Afraid" combined with "Blind Date." Basically, they just set people up on dates, but they have to do the whole thing naked.

14. Devil Pastor
A church agrees to bring in a guest pastor for two weeks to conduct services and perform the weekly duties of the clergy, but what they don't realize is that he's actually a high priest in the church of Satan.

15. Married By America
Instead of a contestant picking their romantic interest, they let viewers vote and decide who would be the most compatible.

16. Conveyor Belt of Love
Men are put on a conveyor belt and given a few seconds to grab the attention of women before they pass by and are eliminated.

17. Mommy Surprise
A doctor's office is filled with hidden cameras as they inform their female patients that they aren't actually pregnant. Little do they know they're actually pregnant but the doctor is keeping it a secret until it's time for delivery. Mommy surprise!

18. The Littlest Groom
It's basically "The Bachelor," but with little people.

19. Radio Shaq
Shaquille O'Neal takes over as the assistant manager at a Radio Shack in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, for a week to see what happens.

20. The Real "Exorcist"
A priest will go around performing real, unscripted exorcists on people claiming to be possessed by demons.

21. Mr. Personality
A woman has to pick between guys just based on their personality. To keep looks from being an influence, the men must wear masks.

22. Extreme Cougar Wives
A bunch of women in their 50s reveal all the details of their relationships with men young enough to be their sons.

23. The Fresher Prince of Bel Air
A troubled teen is taken from Philadelphia and moved into a luxurious home in Bel Air, just like Will Smith did on the hit sitcom. The show follows the young man around to see if he can adjust to the new lifestyle.

24. American Stuffers
A reality show that follows around a team of taxidermists and the customers that come in wanting their pet preserved forever.

Answer key below:

1. REAL (Source)
2. REAL (Source)
3. FAKE
4. REAL (Source)
5. FAKE
6. REAL (Source)
7. REAL (Source)
8. REAL (Source)
9. FAKE
10. REAL (Source)
11. REAL (Source)
12. FAKE
13. REAL (Source)
14. FAKE
15. REAL (Source)
16. REAL (Source)
17. FAKE
18. REAL (Source)
19. FAKE
20. REAL (Source)
21. REAL (Source)
22. REAL (Source)
23. FAKE
24. REAL (Source)

 

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The Perviest Moments in Sports Broadcasting: The Supercut

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When beautiful women are shown on live TV, sometimes guys just can't contain themselves. Even though these men knew they were on camera and/or mic'd up, they still just couldn't find it within themselves to behave like decent human beings. And it got the best of them. From 50 Cent to Joe Namath and Brent Musburger (three times), this is a supercut of the perviest moments in sports broadcasting.

Subscribe to Mandatory's YouTube channel for more hilarious and original content.

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week

Florida Thief Falls Asleep Inside Home He Was Robbing

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It looks like ransacking a home to find every last piece of jewelry is more exhausting that previously thought.

According to Huffington Post, a 29-year-old attempted burglar is in trouble after falling asleep on a bed inside the house he was robbing...wait for it...next to the bag of jewelry he was planning to steal.
sleeping burglar in Florida
A cleaning lady in the midst of her daily routine at the house in Nokomis found Dion Davis napping on the bed next to a large baggie of the home owner's jewelry and immediately contacted authorities.

Police said Davis was in such a deep sleep that he didn't wake up when they arrived nor while they were taking pictures of him as evidence. He was arrested and charged with "burglary of an unoccupied dwelling."

No word on what Davis was on that made him decide that only half of his body needed to be resting on the bed, nor why in 2014 this is the highest quality photo that cameras belonging to the Sarasota County Sheriff Office can produce.

Hey, it's not as bad as getting busted humping mannequins at the store you're robbing: Surveillance Camera Catches Suspected Thief Humping a Mannequin

 

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Women Who Perform Oral Sex are Happier, Study Suggests

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Let's be honest: It looks like we now know why so many marriages these days end in divorce.

According to the Daily Mail, researchers who recently studied the effects of semen's mood-altering chemicals found oral sex to be good for women's health.
blow jobs make women happier
Scientists with the State University of New York system studied the sex lives of 293 women and compared them to their mental health, and they found that women who give their men a beej on a regular basis are happier because "seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants.

They also found that women who are having unprotected sex on a regular basis are "less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests" while those who are bumping uglies using condoms are just as depressed as those who thought abstinence was a good choice.

Researchers emphasized that it's not just women who are having a ton of unprotected sex who are happier, but rather those who are getting the most semen shot into their body one way or another.

Or basically, it's the exact opposite of what was taught in sex ed.

Guys, do them a favor and eat a lot of pineapple: Pineapple Juice Really Does Make Your Load Taste Sweeter

 

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Working From Home vs. Working at the Office

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We all have to find ways to pay the bills, but the harsh reality is that some people are luckier than others in how they are able to do that. Possibly the luckiest of the employed are those who are able to work from home on a consistent basis. If you don't agree with that, take a good look at this timeline comparing a typical workday between an office guy and a work-from-home guy.

typical workday, working from home vs working at office, workday timeline

 

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Study Suggests Tripping on Shrooms Can Help You Quit Smoking

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Wow. What's next, doing crank will help you run a two-minute mile?

According to Gawker, a recent study at Johns Hopkins University heavily favors the notion that doing mushrooms will help you quit smoking.
taking shrooms helps you quit smoking
Twelve of the 15 volunteers who took "pills containing psilocybin alongside a battery of counseling and journaling" were completely off cigarettes six months later, and those who had the "trippiest of trips" responded best.

"The therapy occurred over two or three sessions. Volunteers came to a laboratory set up like a living room, took a 20 milligram pill of psilocybin, covered their eyes and relaxed with music for several hours as the psychedelic effect took hold. Those who had a transcendent experience, where people say they went into a mystical state that helped them feel unity with themselves and the universe, tended to have more success, the researchers said.

No word if the 12 people who quit smoking quickly ballooned to 250 pounds, but I'm sure there will be a new study on how to combat the post-smoking weight gain by huffing glue right around the corner.

​If you're not into shrooming, then maybe these tips will help you kick the habit: How a Single Guy Quits Smoking

 

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Things You're Only Pretending to Like About Fall

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Things I hate about fall
Have you felt that 'crisp' element in the air? Smelled the season's first wood fires from chimneys? Or gotten lost in the Christmas Lawn Ornament section of Costco on your way to the free food samples? Admit it -- its Fall. And although it sucks that summer's over, we've found a few silver linings you really can look forward to.

1) Leaf Peeping with Your Lady
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: For the next two months it's not just socially acceptable -- it's almost a requirement -- for couples to go on meandering, destination-less drives to look at trees.
On the bright side: Leaf country is also home to some kick-ass distilleries -- before jumping in the car, do your homework and add a side trip. "Need another restroom stop, honey? Oh look -- I'll bet they have some here; as well as free tours and tastings? Well, I'll be damned."

2) Trick-or-Treaters
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: Your front stoop's about to turn into a veritable soup kitchen for neighborhood brats on sugar highs, and you're likely accountable for funding it ... and working the front line.
On the bright side: You're totally entitled to have a bowl full of candy bars in your house, which you can clandestinely refill, and you're not genuinely excited? C'mon, man.

3) Pumpkin-flavored Everything
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: No longer just the realm of pie and latte, the wicked gourd's wormed its way into just about everything. Oreos? Tick. Pop-Tarts? Check. Pringles? Uh-huh.
On the bright side: At least eggnog and gingerbread flavoring's still another six weeks away.

4) Costume Parties
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: It's hard enough to get dressed for work each morning. Coming up with a creative-yet-un-embarrassing-and-masculine ensemble is all but impossible.
On the bright side: Expect no less than ten women at each party to be dressed like Dragon Baby Momma from Game of Thrones.

5) Apple Picking
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: They sell apples at the grocery store ... what is this? Ye Olden Times? Are you expected to churn your own butter, too?
On the bright side: Those picking places usually sell homemade pies. Mmmmmm, pies.

6) Layering
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: No matter what you wear, you'll be uncomfortable multiple times each day. With the heat on in some buildings, the air conditioner blasting in others, and Mother Nature doing whatever the hell she wants, there's no way to be prepared. Give up.
On the bright side: You've got a built-in excuse for dressing poorly -- "Oh, this? I know, right? My cashmere sweater was too heavy for the office, and my tailored shirt too light for happy hour, so here I am at dinner in my Eagles jersey. What can ya do, huh?"

7) Family
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: You will, no doubt, be expected to spend triple the time (in the car) or money (on a flight) to spend time with people you've endured for longer than, literally, anyone.
On the bright side: Those people are beholden to do your laundry, feed you, and let you watch SportsCenter uninterrupted, minus the occasional cheek-pinching -- which is worth it in the end.

8) Daylight Savings Time
Things I hate about fall
Ugh: It's dark when you travel to and from work. It's dark when you're at the gym. It's dark when you catch up with friends. It's actually dark all the damn time -- apart from the hours you spend in an windowless office.
On the bright side: Nothing bright aside from those fluorescent lights above your cubicle, we're afraid. But at least there's that extra hour of sleep to look forward to.

 

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Someone Needs to Make This Into a TV Show Immediately

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If you don't know who Brian McCann is or what great things he has done, let me enlighten you. McCann was one of the genius writers/performers on Conan O'Brien's late night show for 17 years. He was responsible for bringing us hilarious characters like Preparation H Raymond, S&M Lincoln, Cloppy the Horse, the FedEx Pope and countless others. A random YouTube commenter probably put it best when he wrote: Brian McCann was one of thee funniest motherf**kers on TV of ALL TIME!

So my question is, why is he not on TV right now?! What you see here is a trailer for an independent pilot titled "Now That's Entertainment!!!...With Reginald Westinghouse," and it's guaranteed to bring more fun to the talk show circuit than it's seen in years. If you're out there looking to make a TV show, look no further than the quirky comic stylings of McCann's Reginald Westinghouse for your answer.

More funny stuff: Watch Conan and Dave Franco Explore Tinder Together

 

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How Blockbuster Superheroes Really Got Ripped

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When it comes to transforming your body into superhero shape, there's more than one sure-fire way to go from man-titties to man-in-tights. These seven actors got shredded using techniques as diverse as hot yoga, kickboxing, near suffocation and a whole lot more. So open another bag of Doritos and make your own plan ... for next summer.

1) Hugh Jackman -- Wolverine
Super Hero
Who do you go to for advice when you're trying to get ripped? Dwanye "the Rock" Johnson, of course. Jackman took The Rock's advice and followed a fasting plan called "the 8hr diet" when he was preparing for the role - consume 6,000 calories a day within an 8-hour time frame, then fast for the remaining 16 hours. If you replace the word "fast" with "sleep," that pretty much describes what we like to call "college."

2) Chris Pratt -- Star-Lord
Super Hero
Chris Pratt made a pretty dramatic transformation from the flabby Andy Dwyer on "Parks and Recreation," to super buff Star-Lord in "Guardians of the Galaxy." Pratt's workouts included P90X, 10K runs, 5-mi swims, boxing, kickboxing, hot yoga and an actual triathlon.

3) Andrew Garfield -- Spider-Man
Super Hero
Instead of working on each part of his body, Garfield's training focused solely on multi-functional movements using heavy weights, so his entire body was working all the time. Since Andrew didn't start Pratt-fat, he had to bulk up on a 5,000 calorie diet purely made up of veggies and lean meats.

4) Henry Cavill -- Superman
Super Hero
Here's a new one - training with "nose breaths." Imagine doing 100 reps ... and only being able to breathe through your nose eight times between sets. Henry Cavill did just that (it's also known as "the tailpipe") while gearing up for his role as Superman ... while also consuming 5,000 calories per day.

5) Chris Hemsworth -- Thor
Super Hero
There were no breathing regulations or 8-hour diets for Chris Hemsworth while he was training for his starring role in "Thor." Instead, he did an old-fashioned full-body regimen, which included T-bar rows, wide-grip chins and cross-bench pullovers.

6) Chris Evans -- Captain America
Super Hero
For Chris Evans, the key to building muscle quickly was to keep his body confused. He hit the gym four to five times per week for two hours each day, focusing on wild-card muscle groups each visit.

7) Robert Downey, Jr. -- Iron Man
Super Hero
By now, Robert Downey, Jr. knows what he needs to do in order to get into shape for a big role like Iron Man. He's relied on the Wing Chun technique for years - a combative martial art made famous by Bruce Lee.

 

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Roger Goodell's LinkedIn Profile

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Man, this whole Ray Rice videotape controversy has really shaken up the NFL. But no one in the corporate office is under more fire than the Commish himself. There's a chance he might be out of a job soon, so it's a good thing his LinkedIn Profile is all up to date. He might need it. Here's a screenshot of his profile, just in case any of you out there are hiring.

Roger Goodell LinkedIn, Ray Rice
Design by Chris Kim

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The iPhone 6: Worth the Purchase?

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Seasons change and another iPhone has made its way into our sickly dependent lives. The iPhone 6, a heavily anticipated tech ticket item, was announced this week by Apple. But did it live up to the hype, or was it completely overshiphone 6, iphone 6 plusadowed by the new Apple Watch's wearable branding? Here we discuss the big changes of the new iPhone in terms of wins and losses with its additional largest model, iPhone 6 Plus, to see if Tim Cook's latest creation is worth the purchase or just another fart in the wind.

3 BIG WINS:

Bigger, But Thinner & Lighter
The big expectation for the new iPhones was the potential of two different-sized models for people who have been pining for the larger bodies, cursed with sausage fingers or generally are too blind to read and function within the smaller iPhone screens. Apple announced both a 4.7-inch and 5.5-inch screen (as predicted) with the larger iPhone 6 Plus coming in at a higher price line. The model may be bigger, and although the phone is lighter than ever, it may be too big for your skinny jeans. But to help us out there, Apple rolls out its thinnest available models yet with the 6.9 mm-wide iPhone 6 (7.1 mm for iPhone 6 Plus).

Faster, Yet More Efficient
People may assume that a faster iPhone than the 5S model would make the battery even worse than it already is, but even though the new A8 chip makes it faster, Apple managed to squeeze a - supposedly - better battery into this tight package. How can something faster and smaller have a better battery? Science. The A8 chip is not only faster, but it works quicker across a bigger display than ever. Add the extra battery life of a 64-bit architectured M8 motion coprocessor, and you've got the fastest iPhone to date in the largest, yet thinnest size, that is 50 percent more energy efficient than its predecessor. Jackpot.

Apple Pay Innovation
The biggest new innovation in functionality for the iPhone 6 that previous models won't have is the new Apple Pay, a digital wallet within your iPhone that allows one-click purchasing and over-the-counter scanning to make paying quicker and more revolutionized than ever. Can't wait to see how quickly men pick up the check for their women now!

3 BIG LOSSES:

Lacking Big Overhaul
People hoped for curves, space lasers and answers to all of life's riddles in the new iPhone, but what they got was a lot of the same features improved, which is usually reserved for the follow-up models (like the 5S & 5C). Tech junkies love to be dazzled, so having Apple Pay be the only big new innovation and keeping the same style body didn't do much for that tough crowd. The new sizes only affect a limited space of the market, and the lack of improved screen, flashy colors and camera features outweighed the improved battery life.
iphone 6, iphone 6 thinness
No More Megapixels
Although the camera function got an update with its iSight camera's new sensor to allow faster auto-focus and new high-definition video features like time lapse mode, folks still balked at the fact that Apple hasn't upgraded the megapixels in its camera from 8 MP, especially since Androids have been touting a higher number for some time. As much as people are excited by video specs, the still photography feature is always big in the rumor mill, especially considering Apple has its teeth in things like Instagram and other photo featured programs.

Same Scratchable Screen
You know that glass screen that is cracked like a windshield after an ex-girlfriend and a baseball bat respond to the fact that you were cheating on her the entire relationship, well, the expected redesign with a sapphire screen to better protect your phone when it gets dropped or smacked around never appeared. The new, rounded metal edges that meet the same old glass - albeit with better retina display than ever - will only help us continue to chip, scratch and crack the screen every other day until we can't read texts from our mothers. In fact, with the thinness of the new phone, we're more susceptible to breakage than ever, BUT you can now quickly pay to have it fixed with the new Apple Pay (woot woot).

THE VERDICT:

In the end, Apple still makes the best product on the market in terms of being succinct and reliable, and with iOS 8 coming in the fall, people will feel the full effect of that. But (and its clear to big tech reviewers), the lack of a big expected redesign was quickly dismissed by the eye-opening spring line of Apple Watches. Without that wearable tech announcement, people would be severely bummed about the lack of glitz in the glamorous new iPhone 6 line. They say go big or go home, and even though Apple went big, a lot of people think they went home, too.

iphones, iphone line, iphones comparison

 

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9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props

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They may not have had any lines like their human costars, but these notable props didn't need a pulse to make their mark on screen. Something about their very presence, look and/or purpose has lofted them above the thousands if not millions of other inanimate objects we have seen on film and given them an uncanny life of their own. Here in no particular order (though we may have saved the very best for last) are 9 scene-stealing movie props.

Chachapoyan Fertility Idol - "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
So many props hurled at, held, excavated or worn by Indiana Jones are iconic. We could do a whole anthology series on his whip's greatest hits alone. But it's the object that is traded for a bag of sand that sets one of the greatest movie franchises ever in motion.

For everything that goes Indy's way, there's always a delightfully terrifying example of something gone wrong. First and foremost is his attempt to recover the infamous gold statue in the opening minutes of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Officially remembered as the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol by fanboys and trivia night hawks alike, Indy's poor ability at guessing the weight of this 6-inch-tall relic gives the audience a memorable preview to one of the archaeologist's greatest skills ... running like hell. In this instance, from the darts, boulders, and collapsing surroundings triggered by his removal of this enchanting treasure.

Moviegoers were never able to forget the majesty of the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol and its place in filmdom has been copied, parodied, and heralded since "Raiders" premiered in 1981. (Photo credit: Paramount Pictures)

Treasure Map - "The Goonies"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
Tee up your "Citizen Kane" or "The Godfather" counter arguments all you want, but "The Goonies" might be one of the greatest movies ever made. And along with this distinction, it only makes sense that it would feature one of the greatest movie props ever imagined. With our pint- and liter-sized heroes and heroines facing mass eviction, what in the world could lead to enough immediate riches to save their town? A glass-framed treasure map, of course.

But as their adventure unfurls, we are soon aware that this no ordinary treasure map. As if a Spanish language, riddle-laden, booby trap-warning guide wasn't enough of a showpiece, this scrap of parchment also not only doubles as a Mad magazine-style fold-in but triples as life-saving sheet music. As Mikey and the gang hold this inscribed fortune-finder in their various hands, we, the audience, do the same with our own childhood, letting each mapped twist and turn rekindle our earliest thrills, fears and fantasies like the most wonderfully wild waterslide emptying into a pirate's cove. (Photo credit: Amblin Entertainment/Warner Bros./Photofest)

Pack of Cigarettes - "Foul Play"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
In a movie filled with a dwarf, an albino, high speed-loving Asians, Chevy Chase's leading man debut, and Goldie Hawn in her very early 30s, it takes an awful lot to stand out. But the troublesome pack of Marlboros in "Foul Play" does just that. Unknown to contain a roll of incriminating film, this box of cigarettes is what ignites the movie's uproarious action. And while the pack of smokes succumbs to an unpredictably fiery fate, its preceding presence lights up the screen with an undeniable tension not all actors can pull off themselves. (Photo credit: Paramount Pictures/Photofest)

The Briefcase - "Pulp Fiction"
scene-stealing props, pulp fiction briefcase
"Pulp Fiction" is another masterwork with lots of interesting props: bag o'heroin, a bequeathed wristwatch and one badass adrenaline shot. But the 1994 classic's most intriguing prop and maybe perhaps, all of filmdom's, is Marcellus Wallace's recovered briefcase. First of all, aesthetically, it just looks cool: silver, hard metal; it quite convincingly portrays the container of an item (or items) that could stir up so much death and mayhem.

But mostly this accessory steals scenes because of what we don't know about it and never do. So much has been written and speculated as to what is inside. We do know Tim Roth's Pumpkin, upon looking there, states, "It's beautiful." We also know that it generates light. And perhaps irrelevant, perhaps not, the case's combination is 666. That detail has led to the most popular theory: It contain Marcellus Wallace's soul. That may or may not be true, but when placed amongst a cast including Rhames' Wallace, Bruce Willis' Butch or even director Quentin Tarantino's coffee snob Jimmie, the "Pulp Fiction" briefcase holds it own admirably. One might even say this silver, cool, hard metal object has a soul of its own. (Photo credit: Miramax Films)

The Monolith - "2001: A Space Odyssey"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
HAL gets all the credit as the most ominous figure in "2001: A Space Odyssey." But don't underestimate the monolith. Actually there are three: TMA-0, TMA-1 and TMA-2 - or their full name (known by fanboys and trivia night hawks) Tycho Magnetic Anomaly. But moviegoers know it as the monolith, so let's keep referring to it as such here.

All seen separately throughout different chapters of the film, the first is discovered at 3 million years B.C. by a group of down-on-their-luck ape-men struggling to survive in the African desert. The second by scientists on the Earth's moon, and its discovery gives them an earful. The third hovering in space near Jupiter, taking our hero astronaut on a psychedelic ride culminating in his rebirth.

Not necessarily a villain, the monolith is just as intimidating as director Stanley Kubrick's most memorable ones. Kubrick has a habit of creating tantalizing yet static menaces. Men, women or children who are most frightening when they are perfectly still. The monolith is the same: a simple, tall, black, thin rectangle whose towering presence sparks curiosity, excitement, awe and spooky, extradiegetic music. An inert object that can harness the attention of every living being with eyes on it and spur evolutionary development without moving so much as an inch. (Photo credit: MGM/Photofest)

Teddy Bear - "Die Hard"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
This entry may seem like a stretch, but let us explain. The teddy bear represents so much to one movie for one prop. One: John McClane's devotion to his family; what better way for an estranged dad to reunite with them by bestowing a big stuffed animal? This also makes his transformation from regular dad to all-out hero even more profound. Two: Christmas. It's a Christmas present, by gosh, and an onscreen reminder that "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie, maybe the ultimate one. ("Miracle on 34th Street"? Puh-leeze.) Three: It's another element of comic relief that's going down in Argyle's car, right when we need it. Four: Based on its own size, its first appearance suggests that what lies ahead in the coming reels is, again in one word - big. Five: While teddy kicks off the greatest Christmas action movie ever made, he also concludes a worthy successor as the last shot of 1990's "The Hunt for Red October." That sure counts for something. (Photo credit: Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation)

Wood Chipper - "Fargo"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
"And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper."

This simple, disheartened observation by Frances McDormand's police chief Marge Gunderson makes reference to one of the most shocking examples of body disposal ever put on film.

"Fargo" is the 1996 gem that displays good vs. evil in bloodily stark relief against the blizzardy backdrop of hometown Midwest America. As audience members we'd already just been jolted by the frightful axe murder of henchman Steve Buscemi by his incompatible partner-in-crime, Peter Stormare. But it's what happens after that makes our collective jaws and stomachs drop further than we thought possible.

Marge's tenacious investigation finally leads her to the killers' hideout where she is greeted by a loud, persistent whir. As she rounds the corner to the backyard the black comedy climaxes in its ultimate horror. The spray of bloody remains has blanketed a swath of white snow red where Stormare's Geaer is diligently shredding the last piece of Buscemi's unlucky Carl through the teeth of a hungry, relentless wood chipper.

With very little actual screen time, the wood chipper not only steals its scene, but leaves its ghoulish image forever seared into the public consciousness where it's now become very difficult to reference the film without the fearsome machine and vice versa. This makes logical sense because, while the words "This is a true story" that begins the movie are untrue (it's a work of complete fiction), the inspiration that led its filmmakers, the Coen Brothers, to create "Fargo" was the real-life story of a man who was arrested for disposing of his wife's body using a hungry, relentless wood chipper. (Photo credit: Gramercy Pictures)

Bicycle - "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
Yes, it's not in the title, but "Big Adventure" is all about the bike. A beautiful one, frankly, with more whistles and bells than one can count. And like our hero, Pee Wee, we are desperate to see it again as soon as possible. Damn you, Francis! (Photo credit: Warner Bros./Photofest)

Leg Lamp - "A Christmas Story"
9 Scene-Stealing Movie Props
What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

This trivia contest question begets the most "indescribably beautiful" "major award" ever put to film. The "A Christmas Story" leg lamp has been lighting up smiles since Old Man Parker uncrated it in way back in 1983. No, it's not Italian, but its fishnet stocking and seductive curves would make anyone want to caress it as slowly and awkwardly as possible. And thanks to TNT, it steals scenes for 24 whole hours every single Christmas, making winners of us all.

The prop's popularity has definitely reached cult-like status and launched its own cottage industry. You can easily purchase one of your own online and in specialty stores. Just make sure to place it in your home's front window to bring joy to the whole family (except for Mother, of course). (Photo credit: MGM/UA Entertainment Company)

 

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The 'Sons of Anarchy' Intro Isn't As Cool With Motorcycle Fails

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Whether you love or hate "Sons of Anarchy", this is something we all can enjoy. The opening credits of that show are so serious and badass which sets the tone for the show itself. But when you lay the theme song over a bunch of idiots eating it on motorcycles, it tells a much different story. A more enjoyable story, if you ask me.

 

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11 Fun Beers for Fall 2014 Cheers

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