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Life/Hacked: Food Hacks for Kitchen Ninjas

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Food Hacks for Kitchen Ninjas

Learn the life hacks you can pull out of your back pocket to amaze your friends and live a better day-to-day, safe in the knowledge that you're a secret genius. This week, we tackle kitchen hacks that'll set you apart and save you cash.

 

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Lucy Collett's Boobs Will Suck You Right In

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Zoo Today gives us a whopper of a good time with Lucy Collett and her latest video selfie, boobs and all. The 25-year-old Brit takes us under the hood for a black and white short where the main characters are her perfectly plump breasts. The upbeat music only adds to the excitement, but we assure you, no music is needed for excitement to be had as Lucy spins and dips, bobs and weaves those beautiful pound puppies for our enjoyment. Thank you, Zoo Today. And thank you, Lucy, for being born.

 

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Man Charged for Bank Robbery Was Super Stoked for His Mug Shot

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Last week in Denver, a man named Michael Whitington reportedly robbed a bank and then attempted to make his getaway on a light rail train. Because public transportation is a terrible way to escape the police, they were able to catch him a few blocks away.

Whitington, 45, was formally charged on Friday, but based on his mug shot, he's probably not even mad about it.

Michael Whitington, happy mug shot
This toothy, wide-eyed smiling face is of course being hailed as "the happiest mug shot ever" in the age of hyperbole we currently live in, but because we don't know how Whitington was actually feeling at the time it was taken (or what drugs he may have been on), we'll just classify it as hilarious.

According to the Denver District Attorney's office, the joyful, toothless Whitington is charged with one count of robbery and is set to appear in court today. So hopefully we'll have more fun news to report about him soon.

Let's not forget about this quality mug shot: Maryland Woman Gives Us Perhaps the Greatest Mug Shot Ever

 

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Parodies You Won't Hear at Austin City Limits

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The Austin City Limits music fest kicks off this weekend and more than 130 artists are scheduled to perform. The line-up includes huge names from years back, like Eminem and Pearl Jam, as well as tons of up-and-coming artists ... and today's most overplayed ones.

We've found a few songs you won't be hearing-so push 'play' and sub-in hilarious parody lyrics to some of the weekend's ACL mainstage anthems below.

Austin City Limits

1. Eminem: Cheatin' On My Diet (Cleanin' Out My Closet)

Austin City Limits

2. Pearl Jam: Buttered Yams (Better Man)

Austin City Limits

3. Outkast: Hey Cheese (Hey Ya)

Austin City Limits

4. Beck: Lost Dog (Lost Cause)
Austin City Limits

5. Calvin Harris: Traffic Jam (Let's Go)
Austin City Limits

6. Foster the People: Pulled Up Robes (Pumped Up Kicks)
Austin City Limits

7. Lorde: Tinfoil (Royals)
Austin City Limits

8. Iggy Azalea: Tacky (Fancy)
Austin City Limits

9. Sam Smith: Bake With Me (Stay With Me)
Austin City Limits

10. Icona Pop: He's Rugged (I Love It)
Austin City Limits

 

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America's 7 Biggest Cougar Towns

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If your career ambition is to become a kept man, a sex slave to an older and wiser woman or a general show pony-happy to be seen and not heard-we've found the seven cities in America where you're most likely to make those dreams come true. Welcome to the real Cougar Town(s), USA.

Austin, Texas
Cougar towns
Expect some competition with other cowboys in Austin, as 22% of the men here are single, and an alarming majority of them are in their 20s (go Longhorns). But it is the most livable city in Texas, and with a growing population of divorced ladies in their 40s (think big hair and big alimony checks), it's well-worth a stroll down 2nd Street to find a sugar momma.

Los Angeles, California
Cougar towns
Los Angeles has the highest number of older women contacting younger men online, according to AYI.com. Cougars run this town, making their dens in exclusive clubs like Express and Zinc. If you're not into dancing, visit the Library Bar downtown, named one of LA's best cougar haunts.

Nashville, Tennessee
Cougar towns
This town has more plastic surgeons per capita than anywhere else in the South-an attractive metric for the cougaring kind. Downtown bars on Division Street make for great prowling grounds; just be prepared to look excited ... for the both of you.

Orlando, Florida
Cougar towns
Divorced women make up 15% of Orlando's population, with many of them earning upper-class incomes. Orlando's also known for being a multi-cultural Mecca, so no matter what look you're into, its likely you'll find it here.

Charlotte, North Carolina
Cougar towns
Gen Y makes up 22% of Charlotte's population; that stat, coupled with a high divorce rate, equals plenty of ladies-of-means on the market. Attractive young professionals are relocating to the area in record numbers for business opps, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that Ballantyne Village serves specialty drinks just for cougars.

San Diego, California
Cougar towns
According to urban legend, Cougar Night Specials actually got their start at San Diego bars. So as one of the original pioneer towns for ladies looking for young men and good fun, your chances of landing one here's particularly high.

Boulder, Colorado
Cougar towns
Boulder is full of high-income power singles. And with women outnumbering men by 6%, odds are ever in your favor, trophy/tribute.

 

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Today's Funny Photos

A Scottish Model Got Super Naked at the Australian Rules Football Grand Final

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Unlike most instances of nudity at sporting events in America, this model is somebody you actually want to see naked.

The Hawthorn Hawks put on quite a show in Saturday's Australian Football League (AFL) Grand Final, defeating the Sydney Swans by 63 points in what is "essentially the sport's Super Bowl." But according to Deadspin, the real show came courtesy of Scottish model Heather McCartney, who decided to bare all after the Hawks won their second consecutive championship:

model strips naked at aussie football final
model strips naked at aussie football game
model strips naked at aussie football game
Rumors began to surface that McCartney was hired as an escort for somebody in the suite, but after kicking and punching police officers who removed her from the game, she told the Herald Sun that she was just at the game with a couple of friends and had a perfectly sound reason for showing off her goods.

"It was a bet," McCartney said. "I said if Hawthorn wins, I'm getting naked. They won and I got naked. What a f*!@ing day, it was great."

However, other "sources" told the Sun that not only was McCartney indeed a paid stripper, but that she also went after one of the arresting police officers with her high heels and called him a "f*!@ing retard."

While it can't be confirmed, it sounds like somewhere in their genealogy, McCartney and Amanda Bynes come from the same person.

This also sounds like something you should see: Cintia Dicker Crushes Grapes With Her Half Naked Body

 

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The Best Affordable Apps for the New iOS 8

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With the release of a hefty iOS 8 update, Apple has sparked a flock of new apps to accommodate the changes, as well as unloading a gaggle of revamped apps (like Pocket). With new apps like Health & Tips offered automatically into your mobile device with the new operating software, these fall app birds are the word. Is anybody getting these avian references? Check out the latest in iOS 8 apps now and be the coolest kid you know.

SwiftKey Keyboard (Free)
One of the biggest updates for folks of the new iOS is the keyboard's QuickType that focuses on predictable language to type faster and save your fingers from hitting the keys too much. The App Store is currently flooded with the downloads of further keyboard apps, particularly SwiftKey (in addition to Swype, Fleksy and Color Keyboards).

SwiftKey combines all the best features and potential of keyboards into one app, allowing users to type and swipe from letter to letter, swap languages and generally work less when it comes to their keyboard. The app also learns from you, so when you're sexting words that don't appear in the dictionary, SwiftKey will catch on. Great for fellow victims of carpal tunnel!

Kindle (Free)
You bought all these books for your Kindle, but you're tired of carrying around both that and an iPad when you travel? Well, does Apple have a gift for you! The Kindle app allows you to read all your Kindle books on your iPhone, iPad or iPod Touch. You get options of more than 1 million books, including free samples, and your load gets a little light. This is perfect for the new iPhone 6 Plus-essentially a tablet itself-users as it justifies having a freakishly large phone the size of your head.

1Password (Free)
Is it to the point where you have 50 different, hard-to-crack passwords that now even you have trouble getting into your own accounts. For people with too many passwords to keep them all straight, the big app for the touch ID iPhones is 1Password, the app that creates those strong, cryptic passwords for you, remembers them for you and logs in for you. All it requires is your fingerprint confirmation. It might also ask you for a favor later that you may not feel comfortable returning.


Mint (Free)
Mint is the personal financing application so good you'll swear by it. Mint is the top financing trick to to keep you on your game by managing your money, creating budgets and setting reminders for bills. Working through a secure connection with your bank, Mint keeps a tally on your expenditures while staying up to date with your goals. If you want to save for a trip or to buy a car, it'll set reasonable goals to help you easily finance those things. It's worth the free credit report alone (no credit card required).

Halftone 2 Comic Book Creator ($1.99)
Everybody can take and terribly edit photos, but let's have a little comic book fun with our photos now, shall we? Halftone 2 has released a very affordable app that lets you curate your photo stock into a clever comic book. Unlike most cheap split frame apps, Halftone 2 lets you customize high quality camera roll photos into a classic comic book border themes with classic comic book text. Your daily dog photos are about to become the super-dog mini series "Mighty Buck and the Tree of Pee" for less than two bucks. You can't self-publish cheaper anywhere else.

Box (Free)
Lots of folks don't know about Box, but the iTunes application Box is the smartest way to save, store and share your files-up to 10 free gigabytes worth. Synced to all your devices, Box lets you have the cloud space of your dreams with instant, easy-to-find files ready, waiting and willing for your attention. That's 10 gigabytes for free, or 100 for $79.99 each year. It's one of the best in the business apps that slipped through the cracks. Maybe they should get a better name.

Fleksy Keyboard - Happy Typing ($.99)
Why should texting be boring when it can be fun!? As an avid text hater, this app actually makes sending and receiving messages a lot less painful. Customize your keyboard from the old boring standard to something bigger, brighter and easier to work with using Fleksy. You can make the text, format, color and sizes of everything-that's right, even emojis-customizable to your liking. If you can't get into texting after this, something is clearly wrong with you.

Asphalt 8
Asphalt 8: Airborne (Free)
One of the best quality graphics in a racing game, and it's free? How is this possible? The lovely people at Gameloft have crafted the ultimate iOS racing game using great landscapes and high performance machines to make waiting in the bank one of the most suspenseful thrill rides in your life. With 56 high-performance cars-Ferraris and Lamborghinis included-and cities around the world, including Venice, Iceland and the Nevada desert, you get nonstop action and great graphics from your phone all for the same price as your American freedom.

Camera Plus ($1.99)
Who needs a camera when you have an iPhone and Camera Plus? Work cleverly with your camera using a tactical play on photography, Camera Plus, that lets you work between multiple devices, using one device as a remote for another's camera using AirSnap. You can control the focus using three different modes, change the lighting and tweak your photos all from the same app. If you thought iPhone photography had gone on a rampage before, this takes things to a whole new level.

Routie ($4.99)
Fitness psychos who were creaming over the new Health app in iOS 8 will be psyched by the likes of Routie, a workout documentation app that tracks your routes in a GPS form, showing you the path, altitude, time and speed of your workouts. You can make notes, share and save for later use with Routie, but the real thriller is realizing just how slow you truly are even when you feel like a lightning bolt going by fellow fitness junkies.

 

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The Pros And Cons Of Shaving Facial Hair Are Equally Hilarious

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Beards, they're in. Then they're out. You can either grow them ... or you can't. Either way, the shaving process can make for some quality entertainment on this old Internet of ours. Here are some of the best photos and memes focusing on our grooming habits.

Funny Shaving Pics, Funny beard pics

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funny shaving meme






dollar shave club

BEARDS ARE FOR THE BIRDS
The way we see it, there's two ways to save money on razors: Either never shave again OR join Dollar Shave Club. Never shaving will get you a ZZ Top beard that'll earn mad respect from bikers. But it limits non-Santa job opportunities. Our advice? Go with the Dollar Shave Club option. They deliver amazing quality razors right to your door for just a few bucks. Plus, you don't have to chase families of birds out of your beard. Join Dollar Shave Club. You'll love it. ​There's no membership fees and ​it's​ easy ​to cancel,​ whenever you want.

 

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The 10 Weirdest Things Found In Toilets

Super Mario Bros. Is Taking Over The Real World

Hurricane Winds Throw Russian Man 30 Feet Into Concrete Steps

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A hurricane recently whipped threw the southern Russian city of Sevastopol, flooding more than 800 homes and leaving thousands without power. We're assuming that most people watching weather reports listened to warnings and either sought shelter or evacuated the area.

Not this guy:


In the video above, a Russian man is trying to secure a tent that looks like it would get blown away if you put a small fan near it much less winds from a hurricane. As you might expect, it doesn't work out that well for him.

Hopefully, he's not too upset about being slightly injured after his short flight through the air because he should really be beyond thankful that he still has a pulse.

Sure, hurricanes will send you flying through the air, but man-made things overseas will also do the trick: This Homemade Polish Cannon is Pretty Damn Powerful

 

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Good Dude vs. Bad Dude: Your Official Guide To Friendship

Watch This Poor Guy Faint Three Times on a Sling Shot Thrill Ride

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Nothing captures the range of emotions people experience on an amusement park ride quite like this video of two bros who recently decided to give the "Sling Shot" a try. The guy on the left is loving it, like he just saw two girls making out at the Shock Wave fifteen minutes earlier. His pal on the right, however, let's just say that he'll probably want to stick with the Tilt-A-Whirl from here on out.

Hopefully, his buddy took him to the nearest candy shop onsite and bought him a $3 bag of Skittles or $10 half gallon of Coke Zero in a collector's edition Batman cup to help calm him down once the ride came to a full and complete stop.

(h/t Uproxx)

A still shot of the guy waking up the second time and screaming before passing out again probably would have made this list: These Are Easily the Best Theme Park Ride Photos Ever

 

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The Most Awesome TV Parodies and Fake Twitter Accounts

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Television: parent, partner, lifeblood. What could possibly be better than television, you might (rightly) ask? Gentle reader, let us introduce you to multi-platform TV enjoyment; the following Twitter handles, spin-offs and recap series will only increase the awesomeness of your regularly-scheduled viewing. You're welcome.

Gay of Thrones
Funny or Die
A camp West Hollywood hairdresser explains what went down on last night's Game of Thrones to his revolving chair of clients (including several famous faces -- even George RR Martin, the author of the books!). In under two minutes, you'll get the full debrief on your favorite characters, including "Baby Kristen Stewart" (Arya Stark), "Mr Sofia Vergara" (Oberyn Martell), "Blonde Cher" (Cersei Lannister), "Christina Aguilera" (Daenerys Targaryen), "Power Bottom King Joffrey" (self explanatory) and more.
'80s Don Draper
TK
What would Don Draper have been like in the '80s? Let's just say he lifted his metaphor game, popped his collar, dropped references to the TV shows we grew up on, and rocked out to Huey Lewis.

Everyday Scandal
TK
Olivia Pope's used to covering up big-time catastrophes, but on the Everyday Scandal spoof series, she finds herself righting wrongs like getting a refund when her client's lost the receipt, staging and Instagram to provoke an ex, and talking sense into a teething infant.
True Detectives Conversations
TK
With the show gearing up for season two, we're excited to see what imagined conversations this tumblr page will come up with next.
Modern Seinfeld
Tk
What would the cast of 'Seinfeld' be up to in New York City in 2014? Modern Seinfeld has some hilarious speculations that are pretty on-point.

Fake Louie Episodes
TK
Some of the plot-lines of Louie are a bit lackluster (even though Louis C.K. manages to make them funny). Fake Louie Eps takes lots of pleasure in poking fun at them.

Sesame Street Spoofs
sesame
Sesame Street takes the liberty of making their own spin-offs for adults, which are rated G but still manage to serve some PG ("pretty good") laughs. "Sons of Anarchy" becomes a puppet-fueled "Sons of Poetry," "30 Rock" is done as "30 Rocks," and others (like "Upside Downton Abbey" and "Homelamb") serve some funny.

 

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The Internet's Most Famous Musicians Aren't Who You Think

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Want to know which musicians are actually crushing the internet right now? Forget your Biebers and Selenas -- these artists are the ones who're really bringing the fame game to online tunes. We've crunched the numbers on Spotify, iTunes and from endorsement deals and the touring circuit to surface the singers who are in the most earbuds.

Kendrick Lamar
Famous musicians
His latest hit song, "i", is the fourth most downloaded songs on iTunes -- due in no small part to the guy's massive Twitter following.

Don Omar
Famous musicians
The name Don Omar might not ring a bell, until you hear his super popular song "Danza Kuduro." Omar has more video views to his YouTube VEVO account than Kanye, and has more followers than Rihanna or Taylor Swift.
Jessie J
Famous musicians
Jessie J is raking in more video views on YouTube than veterans like Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. Her new song, which features Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj, is the third most downloaded song on iTunes, and number four on Spotify.
Jason Aldean
Famous musicians
Jason has not one, but two of the top ten songs on iTunes, and ranks above the likes of Iggy Azalea and Sia. And his last tour brought in more dough than Britney Spears or Adele.

Sam Smith
Famous musicians
UK musician Sam Smith is having a moment; the slightly depressing, national OKcupid user anthem "Stay with Me" is currently number four on Spotify's global list of the most streamed songs, and number two in the US.
Luke Bryan
Famous musicians
During his last tour, this fast-rising country star made more money than P!nk, has sold over 7.6 million digital tracks on iTunes, and accumulated more followers on Twitter than more recognizable names like Kelly Clarkson and Enrique Iglesias.

And now ... for a couple names you already do know ...

Beyoncé
Famous musicians
She managed to sell 617,000 copies of her surprise album on iTunes in just three days. She's one of the most followed celebrities on Twitter, and her last tour brought in over $100 million in sales. Beyoncé is doing it hella right.

Justin Timberlake
Famous musicians
The fact that the other 'N Syncers are sitting around scratching their balls these days speaks volumes about Justin Timberlake. After over a decade of making music, his social/digital fan base is still going strong -- in fact, his last album was the highest selling iTunes album of 2013. JT brought in $43 million during his last tour, which was live tweeted by his 35 million followers.

 

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Adrienn Levai Will Leave You Breathless

The Lovely Ashley Lucero

Florida Man Cursing at Applebee's Punched an 80-Year-Old Man Who Asked Him to Stop

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You have to admit that their "2 For $20" promotion really is a sweet f*!@ing deal, though.

According to Uproxx, 26-year-old Mickie Sawyer was charged with a felony after he punched 80-year-old Harry Sander at a Port Orange Applebee's last weekend just because Sander politely asked him to stop cursing and cuman punches old man after being asked to stop talking about tittes and asst back on the "titties and ass" talk.

Sander told police that he initially approached Sawyer after he heard him "talking obscenities." He then politely asked Sawyer to stop using the F-word and "stop talking so loud about titties and ass."

That apparently didn't sit well Sawyer, who told Sander that he was not going to stop swearing. Sander then mentioned that this sort of thing wouldn't go over too well in his home country of Germany, but Sawyer didn't care, saying, "I don't care where you are from, whether it be Russia or Dutch, take your ass to the other side of the bar."

Dutch, hey?

Sawyer allegedly punched Sander in the face moments later and then threatened to kick an employee's ass after he was followed into the parking lot. Police caught up with him a short while later and arrested him.

Odds are if Sawyer is convicted and sentenced to jail time, he'll probably want to keep the ass talk to a minimum there as well.

​More fun at the "Neighborhood Bar & Grill": Applebee's Menu Adjectives Word Cloud

 

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Today's Funny Photos

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