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13 Abandoned Building Security Guards Share Terrifyingly Creepy Stories

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I will never understand why anyone would want to go into an abandoned building by themselves. I've seen enough scary movies to know how that night ends. Unfortunately, there are some people who have to patrol these buildings as their job. I don't know why you'd want to do that, but god bless them for it. A Reddit thread asked those brave souls to share the scariest things they've experienced. Here are some of the best ones:

1. Ghost Tour
I was working security at a "ghost tour" at night at the old Missouri state penitentiary. Nothing happened to us, but in the gas chamber this girl in our group had a full on asthma attack and said she felt like she couldn't breathe. We walked out of there and she had these awful red scratch marks all over her arms. I don't know if she was faking it all or what happened but definitely was creepy.

2. The Nun
My dad worked at a mental hospital that used to be connected to an abandoned nun's home by underground passage. He says that one night he was walking down there when he saw a praying nun. He walked by her and said hello. She did not acknowledge him.

My dad does not believe in ghosts, but he says there was a nun down there that night.

3. The Funeral Home
I used to pick up dead bodies for a funeral home. One stormy night, I was in one of the coolers, putting a guy on the shelf. In a matter of a couple seconds, the following happened:
  • The guy on the next shelf up shifted and his hand fell down in my face.
  • The doorstop slipped and the cooler door closed behind me.
  • The power went out and the lights went off.
All purely coincidental, I'm sure, but I still pooped in my pants.

4. The Watchman
I was the night watchman at an abandoned mental hospital turned state park for a summer in college.
One night, we saw flashlights moving around so we called an officer out and went in. The officer pulled her gun and flashlight and in we went. We could hear footsteps on the floor above us and we slowly and quietly went upstairs. We checked every room and found nothing. Then we heard footsteps above us again. This happened for a few floors until we were on the top floor below the roof. We heard footsteps up on the roof so we went up there. Still nothing. We never found anyone or any indication that anyone had been there. It was friggin' creepy.

5. The Room
I worked at an asylum in southeastern Michigan. The worst thing wasn't the dirty patient records scattered on the floor, the broken furniture, the torn up walls, the leaking water pipes or the huge fungal bloom from the leaking water.

The worst part was finding a tunnel and following it to a place inside where power was still on. There was a light, ominous-looking double doors and an active security camera. It was like ... why is this here? What's going on?

6. The Hospital
I did security for an old abandoned hospital. There was always a bad feeling in that place, almost like we were intruding. One time, when the feeling was particularly strong, we decided to get the hell out, but the door slammed shut and refused to open. It wasn't just stuck either-the doorknob was FROZEN in place.

7. The Clock
I work security for a government building that isn't even abandoned. One day, I'm staring at the security camera screen and this clock on the wall that the camera is facing starts spinning like crazy. Suddenly, it lifts off the hook on the wall and goes flying across the room into the wall. I ran into the stairwell where the camera was filming and there was no one there. I showed all my co-workers and we were all freaked out. There was no rational explanation for it.

8. The Alien Farm
I did security at this abandoned building nicknamed "the alien farm." People call it the alien farm because they claimed it's used to study and communicate with aliens.

So we get past the alien farm and are near the entrance to where we think the abandoned house is when we realize that since the ground is wet (snow), it might not be safe to drive out to the house. We sat in my friend's car discussing whether or not we wanted to attempt the drive when all of a sudden there's a huge flash of blue light off in the distance.

We all saw it and tried to think of what it could possibly have been but came up with nothing. I still have no idea what it was but it scared the piss out of me.

9. On Patrol
I was driving along one of the building's trails through the woods with one of my friends. There are no lights at all on the trail. Only light source was my headlights. About 20 or 30 yards down the road I saw a big branch down. I slowed down to drive around it and my friend screams, "Holy s**t!! That tree branch just looked at me!!!" I jammed on the brakes, we both jumped out and someone took off into the trees. It was some dude in full head-to-toe camo!

10. The Mental Hospital
I broke into an abandoned mental hospital to film a movie with some of my friends. It wasn't a ghostly presence that made it creepy, just the atmosphere. Old rusted-out cribs. Stains on the wall. Asbestos falling down like snow. The place had a documented history of patient abuse and overcrowding. In the Sixties, you could get thrown in a state facility relatively easily. Many of my friends are being treated for mental health conditions, and it really freaked me out that had some of them been born forty years previously, they may have been subjected to the same conditions.

11. The Women's Jail
I didn't work there, but my two friends and I visited an old jail (a local company did regular tours.) The jail used to regularly keep women and children there, and there were a lot of deaths, especially in the winter. During our tour, my friends and I went inside one of the cells just as the tour group moved along to the next section of the jail. We finally decided to catch up ... except we were locked in. Nobody was there to do it and the doors were NOT self-locking. Someone would have had to push the bolt across from the outside. We couldn't get out. We ended up having to shout for help to have someone come and set us free.

Almost ten years later, none of us have an idea what happened.

12. The Figure
I was inspecting an abandoned manufacturing plant years ago. The first floor was aisles with large shelves on either side.

At the end of the aisles, there was a staircase that went up to a second floor. The floor was mostly rotted through, so moving around up there was dangerous.

We were up there probably 20 minutes when my buddy yelled over to me that he saw something move downstairs. We assumed we were busted, so we snuck back to the staircase. We didn't see anything moving around downstairs after a couple minutes, so we went down.

When we reached the bottom, we saw someone/something sprint at the other end of the aisles to the northernmost aisle, where the window we broke in through was. We moved towards the south end slowly, watching for movement. Eventually we saw something move on the stair side of the northernmost aisle and we bolted for it, got out, got in the car and drove away.

13. Unexplained
There is this abandoned mental hospital in my town called Prudhoe hospital.

My mom worked at an auxiliary nurse there for years and she said at night, the crippled kids who couldn't move due to severe diseases and birth defects would somehow get out of their cribs and into the middle of the floor on the wards. Whatever was [enabling] this would also go around and remove blankets from all the patients and again pile them in the center of the room.

Eventually security was hired, believing it was someone getting into the hospital at night and doing all these things to scare people or to just be trouble.

However, even with security, they never found out who was doing these things at night.

 

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The 7 Best Songs From the End Credits of '80s Movies (and 1 Major Dud)

This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

The Strange Jobs of Movie Stars Before They Were Famous

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If you saw the not-so-rocking jobs of rock stars before they made it big, you're going to love the even weirder jobs that movie stars had before they got famous. From male strippers to women's shoes salesmen, let's take a look at the early carechristopher walken lion tamerer paths of some of your favorite on-screen characters.

Christopher Walken - Lion Tamer
Playing the role of son and assistant in popular lion tamer Carol Jacobs' show, the idolized actor used to be closer to large animals of the circus variety than to the camera lens.


Sylvester Stallone - Lion Cage Cleaner
Sly made a slow living cleaning cages at the Central Park Zoo for $1.12 per hour, along with starring in an adult film for $200, before he signed his first big deal for "Rocky."


Johnny Depp - Pen Salesman
The pen is not mightier than the sword when it comes to the pirate-playing Depp. The former pen salesman used to offer free trips to Greece to people in order to sell them customized ballpoint pens. Maybe the handsome buccaneer should have tried going door-to-door instead.


Hugh Jackman - Party Clown
Before he was winning Tony awards and sharpening his claws for Wolverine roles, Hugh Jackman was a party clown for kids' parties. He went by the name Coco the Clown, and he didn't have a single trick for those poor kids.


Matthew McConaughey - Chicken Coop Cleaner
Well before his "alright, alright, alright" days, Matthew McConaughey worked in the hot Australian outback cleaning out chicken coops. This is likely the time after high school where he learned that "chicks" loved when he took off his shirt.

jon hamm mad men
Jon Hamm - Adult Film Set Dresser
The "Mad Men" star used to move cameras, set up sets and help with continuity for adult films before he was everyone's favorite chain-smoking ad man. Maybe when the final season finishes airing, he'll go back to the skin biz?


Whoopi Goldberg - Phone Sex Operator
Anybody who wasn't already a sucker for classic Whoopi will roll over when they learn she used to work as a phone sex operator, as well as a morgue makeup artist and a bricklayer, in her dark days before becoming a steady actress. She addressed her past on "Good Morning America" when the topic reared its head. Now who wouldn't want to be on the other end of that phone line?


Bill Murray - Hot Chestnut Vendor
One of his earlier jobs before busting ghosts and camp counseling was selling hot chestnuts outside of a local grocery store before landing on "Saturday Night Live." Yet, he remains the coolest man alive.


Amy Adams - Hooters Girl
Golden Globe winner Amy Adams used to rock her golden hooters for the provocative restaurant chain in order to save up for a car. Once she had enough in the bank, she bought a used Chevy and quit.


Matt Damon - Breakdancer
This wasn't really a steady job, but for extra cash, Matt Damon would breakdance in Harvard Square in the middle of Cambridge, Massachusetts. How do you like them apples?
channing tatum magic mike

Channing Tatum - Male Stripper
The brooding beefcake used to strip as "Chan Crawford" after dropping out of college. "Magic Mike," co-financed by Tatum and director Steven Soderbergh, was based loosely on Tatum's experience.


Quentin Tarantino - Porn Theater Usher
It should come as no surprise that director/actor Quentin Tarantino walked the aisles of the Pussycat Theatre, an adult film house in Torrance, California, before putting butts in the seats with his own morbid creations.


George Clooney - Tobacco Cutter
Before he was fictitiously saving lives on "ER" and starring in Oscar-winning films, George Clooney was a tobacco cutter, as well as a real-life Al Bundy type, selling women's shoes in a department store. He was also a door-to-door insurance salesman, but Clooney admits that cutting tobacco was the strongest of his odd jobs.

Sean Connery - Coffin Cleaner
Connery was cleaning and polishing coffins for a living long before he was putting men in coffins as James Bond on the big screen. And to add to his charming résumé, he was also a milkman at one point. It'd really be something if he were doing that now.

 

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Gamblin' With Gary is Back and Better Than Ever

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Gather 'round, my gamblin' friends, because I'm back in action and ready to make us all rich again. Last season I went 21-11-1 picking college and NFL games leading up to the Super Bowl (and went 4-2 on those picks). I didn't start betting until mid-season, so an early start this year means more picks and more wins. You may say I have a problem; I say I have a solution. These bets are 100 PERCENT GUARANTEED TO MAKE US ALL RICH.* I am willing to share them with you to prove it, too. Starting today, I will post three to fiveBoise State v Connecticut money-making wagers every Friday and keep track of how I do. I'm putting my money where my mouth is. Feel free to join me.

CAN'T LOSE BET #1 (College Football)

UConn (+3) at Tulane - UConn +3

If you followed me last season, you know that I love to bet against trends. And it hasn't failed me yet. UConn is one of only two teams in all of college football that is 0-5 against the spread (ATS). North Carolina is the other one, but UConn is the team to bet on this week. They are 3-point underdogs on the road against a Tulane team that should never be favored. The Huskies had a tough loss two games ago at South Florida, then got smoked at home by Temple in their most recent game. However, they are coming off a bye, so expect them to bounce back, play hard and probably beat Tulane on Saturday. Take the points just in case, though.

CAN'T LOSE BET #2 (College Football)Central Florida v Houston

Houston at Memphis - OVER 50

Houston has been known for having a high-scoring offense the past several seasons, so it's quite surprising that all five of their games so far this season have seen the under hit. They are still fully capable of scoring a ton, though, putting up 47 points in a game twice this year already. After scoring only 12 points in a bad loss last week at home against Central Florida, I expect the Cougars to rebound and score a lot. Memphis also has a pretty decent offense, averaging 35.6 pts/game. The over is a lock.

CAN'T LOSE BET #3 (NFL)
Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers
Pittsburgh at Cleveland - UNDER 47

The Browns being 2-2 right now is a surprise, but what's more surprising is that the two games they lost were by a combined 5 points. They have also shown some grit in a couple of come-from-behind wins, and are currently putting up an average of almost 26 pts/game. The Steelers are 3-2, but have been wildly inconsistent scoring points. When these two teams met in Week 1, the Steelers won 30-27. The over has hit in all four Browns games. All signs point to betting the over, but that's what Vegas wants you to think. I expect a tough, defensive, division game battle. Hammer the under.

CAN'T LOSE BET #4 (NFL)

New England at Buffalo - OVER 45

The Bills offense has not been very good, but Kyle Orton has had another week of practice with the starters after a nice win in Detroit last week in his season debut where he threw for 308 yards. The Patriots offense looked dismal until Tom Brady and company gave us all the middle finger on Sunday night in their beat-down of the Bengals. Buffalo games have all been under the total so far this season. It's time to buck that trend. This feels like a back-and-forth game with each team scoring in the high 20s or low 30s. Bet the over, and start spending your money now.

Cincinnati Bengals v New England Patriots
Spreads and totals via Vegas Insider. *Not a legal guarantee.

 

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We Are Not Sure How to Properly Obey These Signs

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We all have enough confusion in our lives that we don't need a bunch of crazy signs and instructions making it worse. Whoever was responsible for the contradictory, overcomplicated and head-scratching signage below deserves a swift kick in the butt. But no butt-kicking allowed.

confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
confusing signs, contradictory slides
via Memewhore

 

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Chinese Guy Shoved Metal Rod Into His Penis and It Ended Up in His Bladder

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As a four-year-old kid, I remember my mother telling me that bad things would happen if I took a fork or anything metal and shoved it into an electrical outlet.
Chinese guy shoves rod into penis but it slips into bladder
Apparently, the same warning holds true when shoving metal rods up your peehole.

According to UPI, a 52-year-old Chinese man was recently hospitalized after he shoved a metal rod into his penis in an attempt to "become sexually aroused and maintain an erection." Unfortunately for Kang Niu, he jammed the rod so far up his urethra that it fell into his bladder during intercourse with a woman, sending him to the hospital.

Niu told doctors his impotence was "preventing him from maintaining a girlfriend." Well, and an erection. He waited months before seeking medical help, hoping the "rod would pass on its own."

The good news? Doctors were able to surgically remove the rod. The bad news? Niu is still impotent.

We're not sure if it will make Niu feel any better, but apparently this kind of thing happens all the time in Asia: Malaysian Man Has Ten Metal Balls Removed From His Penis

 

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15 Amazing Photos From the Past Brought to Life With Color

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Some may consider it controversial, but there is something fascinating about taking a classic black and white image from the past and bringing it to life with colorization. Pixartprinting highlighted the works of some of the top names in color restoration, including Jordan J. Lloyd, Mads Madsen and Wayne Degan. Here are 15 of their most notable pieces that you can watch change from black and white to color and truly appreciate the amazing transformation that takes place.

Courtesy of Jordan J. Lloyd:

historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past

Courtesy of Mads Madsen:

historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past

Courtesy of Wayne Degan:

historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past
historical photos colorized, colourizing the past

 

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Somebody Painted a Penis on a $2.4 Million Car

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Wow, that takes balls bigger than the ones painted on the hood of this poor rich guy's vehicle.

According to Metro, some guy in Seattle recently had the stones to park a $2.4 million Bugatti Veyron on the city streets, and some other guy had the stones to spray paint a big red dick on the hood of it.

penis on bugatti veyron
The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport is the world's most expensive production car and goes from zero to 60 in just 2.6 seconds thanks to 1200hp under the hood. But it's what was painted on the hood that is drawing all the attention this time around.

The dick pic was obviously quite the hit on the web, drawing both cheers and complaints about the "art." And, of course, there were even those who questioned the integrity of it, claiming the penis was Photoshopped into the real picture below:

penis on bugatti veyron
Real or not, we think the penis on the hood was a friendly reminder that the guys who usually drive cars like this are a little lacking in that department.

Here's another instance of positive vandalism: Baseball Card Vandalism Makes Baseball Cards Worth Collecting Again

 

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Bride-To-Be Was Impregnated by Dwarf Stripper at Her Bachelorette Party

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You'll hear stories about marriages that were doomed from the start, but this one really puts the "short" in "short-lived."
Spanish woman nailed by dwarf stripper and gives birth to dwarf kid
According to the Mirror, a Spanish woman in Valencia recently gave birth to a child who suffers from dwarfism and eventually confessed that the kid was a result of the sexual intercourse she had with a dwarf stripper on at her bachelorette party.

The woman's husband was under the impression the child was his until his wife broke down and confessed after birthing a dwarf. Even the woman's closest friends and family members had no idea that a dwarf took her to pound town the night of her "hen" party.

No word if the husband plans on sticking around and giving the marriage a second chance, or if he'll bolt and let his bride live the rest of her life with her little reminder that she should have just stuck with a crown, penis straws and "Suck for a Buck" that night.

We're sure all of these places provide the potential for dwarf sex: The Greatest Places to (Bachelor) Party

 

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10 People Who Ran Themselves Over With Their Own Cars

12 Celebrities Who are Even More Filthy Rich Than You Thought

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If you ever needed motivation to be successful, here are a dozen surprisingly rich people who have done very well for themselves in both quick paydays and well-played careers of longevity and smart spending. It'll inspire you to go out there and write a hit song, start your own clothing line, or just go back in time and be born into money.
julia louis-dreyfus and father
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Estimated Net Worth: $200 million
She might be considered the First Lady of Comedy, having gone from "Saturday Night Live" in the '80s to "Seinfeld" in the '90s up to her hit "Veep" today, but not only does Julia have a net worth of $200 million on her own, but her father's business is worth several billions. Her estimated net worth including that little nugget of information is closer to $3 billion.

J.K. Rowling
Estimated Net Worth: $1 billion
Who says writing is a pipe dream when you can squeeze out fiction worth a billion big ones? Between her literary, film and licensing sales for her Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling has become one of the biggest writers in history. Her last two books alone sold more than $20 million copies while the films grossed more than $7 billion. It's safe to say she's a bit of a wizard herself.

Mitt Romney
Estimated Net Worth: $250 millionmitt romney laughing, mitt romney rich
Successful businessman and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has a surprising amount of money for someone who had one of the most expensive presidential campaigns in history, despite losing. Romney had to sell off stocks during his run for presidency, ones that might conflict with his campaign stances, as well as a way to support his failed attempts at earning the presidential office, but he remains about as wealthy as he was five years ago.

Giorgio Armani
Estimated Net Worth: $7 billion
They say the clothes make the man, and in this case, the clothes make the man very rich. Anyone would expect Mr. Armani to be rich from his fashion empire, but not that rich, except that Armani now has his name in seven luxury hotels and three resorts overseas, including Dubai, all of which have interior design done by Armani himself.

Dave Grohl
Estimated Net Worth: $260 million
People think of alt-rocker Dave Grohl as the lead guy of Foo Fighters, but people tend to forget he was a drummer for one of the best-selling rock bands ever considering Nirvana's short lifespan. Between Nirvana album sales and royalties, his eight studio albums and consecutive tours with Foo Fighters, film career and now HBO special for his band's new album, it should come as no surprise that Dave is worth more than the average self-taught, radio-friendly rocker. Not relatively bad, considering Bob Dylan is worth $180 million.

Eric Clapton
Estimated Net Worth: $250 million
With more than 50 years of music under his belt, a boatload of awards and hit singles, Clapton made a decent chunk of change already. In addition, he's a bit of an art collector and recently sold at auction for more than $30 million, which is the most in a transaction by any single living artist. Now Eric has earned his way towards $250 million with no end in sight.

Larry David
Estimated Net Worth: $900 millionlarry david, larry david shocked
LD has a huge back-end on "Seinfeld" syndication and box sets earnings. The co-creator and now HBO star also made quite the lump sum in the late '90s as "Seinfeld" wrapped its run. The show alone has made nearly $3 billion since going off the air, and surprisingly enough, Larry David's net worth is more than Jerry Seinfeld himself, who is at around $820 million.

Celine Dion
Estimated Net Worth: $500 million
Between Grammy, Academy and Golden Globe Awards for her hit song from "Titanic," Dion hasn't had any trouble with record and concert sales going through the roof as one of the fastest earning entertainers in the world with more than 200 million record sales since 1997. That's a lot more than what U2-the biggest current rock band-has sold in their entire career as a band.

Howard Stern
Estimated Net Worth: $500 million
Stern made a steady living on his radio show for nearly two decades, and then in 2006, he was offered a hefty contract with Sirius radio, which guaranteed him $100 million (annually) for expenses. Within five years, he had a net worth of $500 million. Looks like having a filthy mouth, getting celebs to say things they will say nowhere else, and getting girls to take their clothes off are very hot skills to have. A gig on "America's Got Talent" doesn't hurt either.

Dr. Dre
Estimated Net Worth: $780 million
With his record label Death Row Records, his album sales and acting career, along with his Aftermath Entertainment production company, Dr. Dre was already a wealthy man before his line of wireless headphones and speakers came out. Beats by Dre, recently bought by Apple for $3 billion, has not only helped Dr. Dre earn his title, he's now well on his way to being the first billionaire rapper.

Bill Cosby
Estimated Net Worth: $350 millionbill cosby as cliff huxtable, bill cosby tv show
Between having one of the longest running stand-up comedy careers and being a trailblazer on television, Bill Cosby is not only one of the funniest men alive, he's the richest comedian and second richest African American actor at approximately $350 million. That's more than Will Smith and Samuel L. Jackson combined. That's a lot of pudding pops.

Bono
Estimated Net Worth: $900 million
It's not surprising that Bono would be an incredibly wealthy rock star, but the fact that he has more money than Paul McCartney, John Lennon and any other musician is very impressive. That's what 12 hit albums, 22 Grammy awards and an intimate relationship with Apple will do for you.

Also check out: A Day in the Life of Bono

Estimated net worths via Celebrity Net Worth, Forbes and TheRichest.

 

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Nicki Minaj Doing Regular Everyday Things

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Nicki Minaj has made a very successful career of being incredibly eccentric. At this point, she's pretty much a living and breathing cartoon character. But that doesn't mean she isn't human. She still has to do the normal, everyday things the rest of us do. And while I'm sure she dresses down from time to time, it's still fun to imagine her going about her regular, daily chores and errands dolled up like a the totally over-the-top pop star she has become. Here's what I imagine a typical Sunday of running errands would look like for Nicki Minaj.

Grocery shopping

Taking out the trash

Unclogging the toilet

Mailing a letter
Nicki Minaj Doing Regular Things
Doing the laundry

Going to the doctor for a checkup

 

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The Absolute Most Revolting Thing You Will See Today

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The following photo comes with a warning. If you don't feel like dry heaving today-or even wet heaving, for that matter-you might want to stop scrolling. We'll give you a few chances not to look, so eventually it's up to you if you want to do it anyway.

First, let us tell you what it is and then you can decide if you still want to take a peek.

At the end of last week, a user on Twitter who happened to be riding the subway in Manhattan-as New York City residents are known to do-spotted a condom wrapped around one of the subway poles. You know, the poles you wrap your hand around to keep from falling while the train is in motion? But wait, it gets worse. The condoms appears to have been used and still ... has ... fluid ... in ... it.

I'm gonna go vomit while you make your final choice about whether to scroll down or not. I'll see some of you on the other side.


gross subway condom, used condom subway
(Photo credit: Twitter user @meandtherhythm)

OK, are we all accounted for? Now that none of us ever want to eat again, let's discuss this a little further.

There is a very good chance that this is just a hoax and the condom was filled with something like lotion to gross people out. But if you believe that, then you've never been on a subway before. Subways are filthy cesspools comprised of germs and the weirdest people on the planet. According to Gothamist, the man who took this photo, and other passenger accounts, the condom has been there with people accidentally touching it or just barely missing coming into contact with it since September. SEPTEMBER! It's mid-October and it has yet to be removed!

Apparently, the reason New York is the city that never sleeps is because people are having nightmares about their morning commute with used, semen-filled subway condoms.

 

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Rosie Jones Returns to Zoo Today to Get Naughty

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Rosie Jones is making it difficult to blink with her new Zoo Today video up and running on our computers all day. Heck, even when I blink, it's all I see. The 24-year-old Middlesex Brit is not only a looker, she's a bit of a goddess when it comes to lingerie shoots. For those of us who thought twice about getting out of bed today, this is our reward for flipping open the computer and following Mandatory's dirtiest, most provocative section of all. Here's to you for taking the initiative for once, and here's to sweet Rosie for making our day a bit brighter.

 

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Sabrina Nellie Juarez Revs It Up

Juli Proven Proves That She's Hot

Kansas City Burger Joint Owner Tells Reporter He Would Love to See His Meat in Her Mouth

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Despite the fact that they are led by one of the worst managers in Major League Baseball, the Kansas City Royals are winning postseason games for the first time since 1985, and everybody in town is going bananas.

Joe Zwillenberg owns the Westport Flea Market, which surprisingly is not a place where you can find used quilts at unbeatable prices, but rather one of the best burger joints in Kansas City. To celebrate the fact that the Royals are in the ALCS for the first time in 29 years, Zwillenberg is offering his famous burgers at 1985 prices, meaning patrons can chow on some cow for just $2.99.

Naturally, the promotion has been quite the attention-getter, and KCTV reporter Courtenay DeHoff stopped by last week to get a taste of the madness herself. But when she asked Zwillenberg if she could try one of the burgers, it got almost as awkward as that time grandma passed gas in church:


Not the first time she's heard that, eh? Thanks to the power of the internet, we're sure it's also not going to be the last.

This was the start of another internet phenomenon: Reporter Interrupted During Live Broadcast By Very Vulgar Videobomber (NSFW Language)

 

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Today's Funny Photos

13 Limo Drivers Share Their Most Ridiculous Stories on the Job

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crazy limo stories

There's something about being in a limo that makes people lose their minds. They turn into monster divas that think laws no longer apply to them. A Reddit thread asked limo drivers to share the craziest and most ridiculous stories from their time on the job. Here are some of the best ones:

Eminem
Some woman got in carrying a life-size blow-up doll of Eminem. No one except the lady and "Eminem" was in the entire limo. So I was silent as I witnessed her sitting in the back seat making advances on an Eminem inflatable.

The Party Bus
My mother used to work for a company that built limos and party buses and the owner also ran a rental service.

They had one bus that was aptly named the "Stripper Bus," the thing had poles, a see-through shower, satin and velvet, everything.

The bus was rented out in Detroit one time and it came back in terrible condition, so bad that it had to come into the shop to have a lot of work done.

When my mom asked what happened, the owner simply replied: "Fifteen cops and 30 hookers ..."

We Forgot Something
A friend of mine owns a limo company. A few weeks ago someone took a dump in the ice box in one of his limos. The best part was that someone from the party called a few days later and was like, "We left something in the limo." Yes, yes you did.

Bad Timing
I saw what seemed like the last few moments of a mugging. The guy had gotten seriously injured, and I would have felt incredibly guilty if I had left him there so I rolled down my window and offered him a lift to the hospital.

While I lifted him, I could see that he was bleeding profusely out of his right arm. As I leaned in for a closer look, I saw that it was a bullet wound, and he told me that they would probably be back for him.
As soon as he got in, I could feel my window shatter onto my arm. The guys who were beating up my new passenger had decided to wreck the car as well, and presumably me. They ended up taking all my money. All three of them left, and I took the victim to the hospital to get fixed.

Bad Bachelor Party
My mom was a driver for about 12 years.

She just said, "A dead body."

Apparently a bachelor party had booked the limo and had the partition up while they were doing drugs.

The guy OD'd and they just left him there.

Too Many Drinks
I was driving in Times Square right after a show let out on a Saturday night. Needless to say a LOT of people around to witness a limo drive by with a twentysomething woman hanging her head out the window vomiting on her long hair and all over the side of the limo. Proud night.

Prom Night
My limo driver for prom made an illegal u-turn on a major road and caused a 6-car pile up.

He was making the turn to pick us up. We had no idea until we were sitting at the light waiting to leave and a lady came banging on the window that she was calling the police.

Once we heard him speak, it was clear he was intoxicated. We immediately got out of the limo and I sat on a curb waiting for our parents.

We forfeited our time and never did get our money back.

Bono
When my parents started dating, my dad was a limo driver for musicians who played in major concerts in Philadelphia. On my parents' second date, he was going to pick her up then take U2 to their concert. My dad picked my mom up, then picked up U2 from the airport, and they proceeded to be complete jerks to my mom for being in the limo. They got dropped off for their concert and my parents went to dinner.

Shrooms
I gave a ride to a man who was tripping balls on magic mushrooms. He kept telling me and the other (much more coherent) passenger about how the road is the universe and each dashed line in the lane markings is a human lifetime. In retrospect, that ain't half bad (as far as analogies go).

Drunk Ladies
My friend was a town car driver and one night he picked up a group of drunk people: two women and two men. One of the women sits up front with him and starts slurringly flirting at him. He is laughing and having a good time, but is paying attention to the road and doesn't see her grab the intercom thing for the radio (the thing used to contact dispatch). By the time she realizes what she has in her hand, she has already pressed the button and starts talking about how she wants to sleep with him. All the other drivers heard it and had a good laugh about it.

Whoops
I don't think post people realize there are hidden cameras in the back of limo's for the driver's protection. The most common thing recorded is people changing clothes, but just know you're probably being filmed.

Big Spenders
One time, I picked up a group in our nicest limo and they had me drive them to TGI Fridays. Living the high life.

Owning is Better than Renting
I once owned and drove an old beat-up limo I bought for $500. I would pile in some friends and go cruising down our strip here near Milwaukee. We would somehow pick up women way out of our league and take them to house parties. The people at the parties would be upset we took up so much room parking that giant car out there, but who's gonna mess with 15 dudes in a beat-up limo?

 

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