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That's Not How That Works: 12 Photos of People Doing It Wrong


Our 8 Favorite NBA Infidelity Rumors of All Time

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An NBA player sexing up a woman other than his wife is almost as much of a part of the game as an alley-oop. Hell, sometimes they don't even care if the woman they're about to have relations with is hitched to a guy in their own locker room.

Whether or not the following accusations were ever proven to be 100 percent true, who cares? They're still good enough to make the cut as the eight juiciest NBA infidelity rumors of all time.
Erin Barry hot
8. Tony Parker allegedly had affair with Brent Barry's wife.

We'll assume most people are asking why the Spurs' point guard would stray from someone as hot as Eva Longoria, so we'll go ahead and throw a picture of Erin Barry on the table to clear things up (pictured left).

According to the NY Daily News, Longoria found hundreds of sexts from Barry on Parker's phone in 2010 and filed for divorce soon after. The Barrys also decided to split, and that fueled speculation that the relationship between Tony and Erin involved more than emoticons. Others maintained the two just leaned on each other while their marriages were crumbling, but that sounds like a terrible story.

7. Shaquille O'Neal allegedly humped Gilbert Arenas's fiancée.

According to Deadspin, Shaq and Laura "Lonnie" Govan had the following email exchange on March 5, 2009:

Govan: just wanted to let u know i am here (disclosed the name of her hotel).
Shaq: said he was "obliged" to attend a function first and then asked if he could "come put it in" when it was over.
Govan: LOL ur crazy! As long as u taste me n make me cum LOL.

Mandatory: Juicy.

Govan denied ever sleeping with the former Lakers center, saying the emails were fake. Shaq later said he never cheated on his wife "disrespectfully." We have no idea what that means.

6. Lil Wayne allegedly f**ked Chris Bosh's wife.


Hey, his words, not ours. In February 2013, Lil Wayne took out some of his frustrations with the NBA and Miami Heat for banning him from events by going on stage and ranting. The rant ended with Weezy disclosing that he had sex with Bosh's wife Adrienne. Now, while there is no proof that Bosh's wife cheated on him with Lil Wayne, it's fairly certain that they were romantically involved before Adrienne and Bosh got married. Whether or not any sort of relationship continued is still up for debate on gossip message boards.

5. Marv Albert allegedly bit a woman's back and wore women's panties.
Marv Albert mugshot
If you have never had a chance to read the transcript of Marv Albert's forcible sodomy and assault trial, do yourself a favor and call in sick to work, grab a sixer and have a go at it. It should have won a Pulitzer. Here's just a taste:

Q. And what did you see then?
A. I saw him standing there with underwear on.
Q. What kind of underwear?
A. He had panties and a garter belt on.
Q. What else, if anything, did you see?
A. He was exposed and arouse
d.

Another woman claimed Albert bit her 15 to 20 times on her back while forcing her to do some really crazy shit. Even crazier, Albert was dating a woman named Heather Faulkiner at the time. They got engaged, tied the knot and are still married today.

4. Jason Richardson allegedly impregnated Steve Nash's wife.

Steve Nash divorces wife
Steve Nash divorced his then-wife Alejandra in December 2010 just one day after the birth of their third child. Rumors began to circulate that Nash was upset that his wife had been cheating on him with teammate Jason Richardson and it was Richardson-not Nash-who was the baby's real daddy.

It looked as though there was actually some truth to those rumors when Richardson was suddenly traded to Orlando several days later, and there were even reports the child was black. That obviously wasn't the case.

Still, neither Nash confirmed nor denied the cheating allegations, so the rumors live on.

3. Delonte West allegedly slept with LeBron James' mom.

delonte west and lebron's mom
Hey, if you can't be the greatest player on the court, why not take down the mother of the guy who actually is the greatest player? That's the road former Cavaliers guard Delonte West allegedly took in 2010, when rumors surfaced that he and Gloria James had a thing going on.

That didn't sit too well with "The King," as he bolted for Miami after the Cavs were bounced from the playoffs by the Celtics. West didn't come back to Cleveland either, and he was out of the league less than two years later.

In 2012, West denied he ever got freaky with LeBron's mom. In August of this year, however, he took a different tone in an interview with VICE Sports, saying, "I don't want my son going to school and people making fun of him for something his daddy did."

2. Michael Jordan allegedly had sex with a lot of women not named Juanita Jordan.

Karla Knafel sued Jordan in 2002 because he allegedly reneged on paying her $5 million in exchange for her not saying anything about him plowing her. Pamela Smith filed court documents in 2013 that asked for Jordan to provide DNA samples to determine whether or not he was the father of her 16-year-old son. Laquetta Theus filed a paternity suit several months later, saying Air Jordan fathered daughter in 2010. You see where we're going here.

1. Kobe Bryant allegedly sexually assaulted a 19-year-old hotel worker in Colorado.

Kobe Bryant Colorado Sexual Assault
The world learned one important thing after Lakers guard Kobe Bryant was arrested in 2003 in connection with a sexual assault investigation: Your wife will forgive you for pretty much anything if you buy her a $4 million ring.

Even more bad decisions: The 10 Worst Coaching Decisions in Sports History

 

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10 Times That Boobs Saved Lives

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Breasts: They're great, aren't they? They feed our children, they fill the bikinis of millions of wonderful women and sometimes they even save lives. Here are ten heartwarming stories about the power of boobs.

Breast Implants Save Life in Bombing

The political situation in Israel and Palestine is a topic way too complex to cover in a silly article about breasts, so let's gloss over the reasons for the Hezbollah rocket attack that sent shrapnel into a young woman's chest in 2006. Instead, we'll talk about what saved her life: a pair of silicone breast implants. The artificial hooters managed to slow the shrapnel down enough that it didn't pass through her ribcage and into her heart, saving her life. She was taken to a hospital in Nahariya and treated, with doctors publicly commenting that it was her breasts that were responsible for the lessened nature of her injuries. Her implants did have to be replaced, though.


PornHub's "Save the Boobs" Campaign

If you're thinking of industries in which boobs play a big part, adult entertainment is right up there. So when online smut merchants PornHub decided to get into the charity game, they did it with a unique sense of style. For the entire month of October 2012, the site donated one penny for every 30 videos watched in the "big tit" and "small tit" categories. That doesn't seem like a lot, but people watch a lot of porn, and it added up to a staggering $75,000. That cash went to a number of different organizations promoting breast cancer research and awareness.


Topless Anti-ISIS Protest

ISIS (the acronym for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a militant Islamic terrorist group) is a real danger in the modern world, so it's not surprising that a number of groups have been speaking out in protest. One of the most unusual came from FEMEN, an all-female group dedicated to fighting patriarchy in all its forms. In 2014, they organized a crazy protest in Paris where they marched topless through the streets wielding plastic assault rifles with slogans painted on their chests. Whether all this nudity actually did anything to stem the tide of religious extremism is up for debate.


Breast Implants Stop a Bullet

Militaries around the world are spending millions to develop new materials to repel bullets, but they could have just covered tanks with boobs if they read this next story. In 2006, a Canadian woman named Eileen Likness was out for a drive with her boyfriend when the pair got into an argument. It escalated to the point that Likness kicked him out of the car in the small town of Okotoks. He got out, but then two shots rang out, with one entering Eileen's right breast. The bullet was deflected in a one in a million occurrence when her silicone breast implant changed its trajectory, letting it pass out of the other side of her chest instead of through her ribcage. Police arrested the boyfriend after he broke into an elderly couple's home and held them at gunpoint.


Model Paints With Boobs for Charity

Sugey Abrego isn't just a pretty face; she also has a big heart-and a large chest in which to contain that big heart. Abrego, a Mexican model who has appeared in that country's Playboy magazine as well as on dozens of TV shows, joined up with a breast cancer group called "Painted in Your Health" to auction off some very unique abstract paintings. Instead of using brushes to create these works, Abrego dipped her hooters in a rainbow of color and mashed them against pieces of paper. We can't find information as to how much Abrego's chest artworks sold for, but we're sure they fetched a pretty penny.


Boob Aid

Let's head over to Japan for this next heart-warming story of boobs in action. In August 2014, a group of nine pornographic actresses assembled for an event dubbed Boob Aid, where they raised over $37,500 for AIDS prevention. Over 41,000 men paid a thousand yen each to have the opportunity to gently caress and fondle the breasts of their choice (after spraying their hands with sanitizer, of course). The event is a tradition in Japan, with the 2014 Boob Aid being the 13th. It was also aired on cable TV for gropers who couldn't make it to the event, but still wanted to watch.


Huge Breasts Save Women in Car Crash

Sheyla Hershey's breasts are probably the largest on this list. The Brazilian-born model and housewife had her natural Bs augmented to an absolutely insane 38KKK bra size, and it may have been those massive mounds that saved her life. In 2012, she was driving to her Houston, Texas, home after a Super Bowl party when she lost control of her Ford Mustang and smashed into a tree by the side of the road. Hershey, who had been drinking at the party and wasn't wearing a seat belt, was thrown forward into the steering column. Her boobs acted as a natural airbag, however, preventing additional damage to her ribcage.


Motorboating for Cancer Research

There are so many sexual acts with weird words that it's hard to keep track of them all, but "motorboating" is pretty simple. You put your face in between a lady's breasts and waggle it from side to side while vibrating your lips to make a "brrrrrr" noise. It's fun! But can it also do good for the world? In 2013, a YouTube channel called "Simple Pickup" that typically presented how-to videos for dudes looking to hit on girls created a video that promised cash donations for women willing to be motorboated on camera. They pulled in $7,000 for the stunt.


Katy Perry Donates Breast Mold

You can't deny that Katy Perry's rapid rise to fame wasn't at least in part due to her truly spectacular rack, so when she had a chance to raise money for cancer charity "Keep-A-Breast" by selling a plaster cast of her sweater puppies, she jumped at the opportunity. In 2008, Perry made the cast (and the creator needed to make extra plaster to accommodate her breasts) and it sold to a devoted fan in 2009 for $3000. It's not known what the lucky buyer did after he took the cast home.


Boob Wallpaper for Charity

Are you renovating your house and need a real conversation piece? Why not consider investing in a room's worth of boob wallpaper, created by British artist Sam Pooley. In 2013, Pooley put out a call for women who were willing to have their ta-tas photographed for a charity project, and hundreds responded. The final project was a collaged design for wallpaper that incorporates bare breasts of every size, age and ethnicity, including grandmothers, models and cancer survivors. Proceeds from sale of the wallpaper go to cancer charity Coppafeel.

 

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Connecticut Murderer Thinks Jail's Ban on Porn Isn't Fair

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An adult male not being able to look at porn for the rest of his life does sound awful, but so does shooting a 35-year-old father of two in the head five times and stabbing him in the heart with a sword seven times.
Dwight Pink Jr sues Connecticut over prison's porn ban
According to UPI, Dwight Pink Jr. was sentenced to 56 years in a Connecticut prison after he was convicted of a brutal murder in 1998, and he hasn't been able to peruse through "printed materials depicting nudity or sexual activity" since.

He's now suing the state of Connecticut on the grounds that the porn ban is "an infringement of his right to free speech." In particular, Pink is miffed about being denied "The Atlas of Foreshortening," a book designed to teach artists how to draw the human body.

Not only is Pink looking to end the prison system's ban on smut, but he's also looking for $25,000 in damages, which would probably be more than enough to stockpile enough smokes for the rest of his sentence.

We're assuming the porn ban must be extremely hard on Pink, as based on his picture, it looks like pornography was a pretty big part of his life on the outside.

Pink really shouldn't have killed that guy. He's missing out on these great skin flicks: The 20 Funniest Porn Titles

 

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Renee Zellweger Now Looks Like a Completely Different Human Being

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Imagine Tom Cruise showing up for the premiere of his next box office flop looking like Harrison Ford or just a random father of four. That's pretty much the best way to describe how Renee Zellweger is looking these days.

According to Uproxx, this attractive older woman is in fact the same person who was allegedly paid a ton of dough to get pudgy for her role in the second "Bridget Jones's Diary" movie a decade ago:

Renee Zellweger 2014
Renee Zellweger 2014
Zellweger attended the 21st Annual ELLE Women In Hollywood Awards at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills Monday night, and to say she turned a couple of heads would be a bigger understatement than saying the Jonas Brothers are a below-average band.

Zellweger's movie "The Whole Truth" hits theaters next year, and it'll be her first starring role in quite some time. Basically, it'll be her first major role since she actually looked like Renee Zellweger.

Plastic surgery seems to have worked out for Zellweger. These people? Not so much: Plastic Surgery Catastrophes

 

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Your Halloween Costume Will Never Be As Clever As These Costumes

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Halloween is just around the corner and you're panicked about what you're going to dress up as. Well, I'm here to tell you not to stress so much. Because whatever you end up going with, it will never be anywhere as clever or well done as these costumes. So, save yourself some time. Accept your defeat now and plan to go as something generic like a doctor or a hockey player. These people have ruined Halloween for all of us.



Bill Lumbergh from "Office Space"


Ralph Wiggum as Idaho and Lisa Simpson as Florida from "The Simpsons"


Dana Barrett/The Gatekeeper and Louis Tully/The Keymaster from "Ghostbusters"


"GoldenEye007" Nintendo 64 Game Cartridge


Hans Solo in Carbonite from "Star Wars"


The Turtle with the Head of Tortuga from "Breaking Bad"


Inspector Gadget


Friends dressed only as Johnny Depp characters in 2012, and then as Jim Carrey characters in 2013


Jon Snow and his Direwolf, Ghost from "Game of Thrones"


If you don't know what this is, you have not spent enough time on the Internet


Stevie Wonder Woman
The Rock: The Early Years


A Creative and Enjoyable Take on Garfield


Stinky Pete from "Toy Story 2"


A Vending Machine


Vincent van Gogh Self Portrait

 

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Professional Prankster, Abusing Tourists

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Professional Prankster, Abusing Tourists

Meet Greg Benson, YouTube's most prolific prankster. We set him loose in Los Angeles to torture tourists for our viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

 

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14 People Share Stories About The Unbelievably Crazy Stuff Their Ex Did

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In some relationships people realize that they make better friends than lovers and end things on good terms. Sometimes they'll even be closer friends after the breakup. That's always a nice thing. Unfortunately, not all relationships end that way. Some end horribly and one or both parties end up bitter and angry. A the good people of Reddit asked users to share their craziest stories of dealing with an insane ex. Here are some of the best.

1. Salad Dressing
My first boyfriend tried to convince me he had slashed his wrists because I wouldn't take him back. The "blood" was very obviously Catalina salad dressing.

2. Secret Ingredient
I once dated a girl who hid butter in all my food because I once told her I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. She proved me wrong. REALLY wrong.

3. Ninjas
My ex-girlfriend was legit crazy. She thought there was a "second spirit" named Shu Dragon living inside of her (along with several others with names like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc.). She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach. When we passed by a closed-down Wal-Mart, she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there.

4. The Vampire
Knew a guy who dated a crazy girl. They broke up after she went to college and she called him one night, claiming that she had been bit through radio waves by a vampire who lived 6 states away. So, naturally, now she was one too and could never turn back.

5. Pregnancy Test
My girlfriend told me the week before I left for college that I got her pregnant, knowing that we were not going to date long distance. She sent me a picture of a stock photo of a positive pregnancy test that she cropped. I literally just Google searched "Positive Pregnancy Tests" and it was one of the first images to pop up. I made her come over and take another one. It was negative. She left.

6. BFFs
When I broke up with my ex, he became so hysterical that the only way he would "let" me leave him was if, after the breakup, we continued to be best friends. Not just any kind of best friend, either. He wanted me to still come over for "sleepovers" and share his bed with him. He told me that any other guy I dated after him HAD TO BE 100% OK with this or else I couldn't date that guy.

7. The Hacker
My ex (I was 18, he was 23) figured out my password to my T-Mobile account online. He went through all my text messages/phone call logs, texted everyone whose number he didn't recognize and demanded everyone who wasn't family or a friend who he knew of to "stop talking to his girlfriend and leave us alone." I eventually ended it because he kept leaving the toilet seat up anyway.

8. The Incest Fest
I started dating a guy named Josh who had a VERY close relationship with his sister. I'm an only child, so I spent months trying to figure out if I was overreacting, asking other people if they thought my boyfriend and his sister's relationship was normal or not. The first time the sister came to visit Josh at University, she ignored me, spent all her time with her arm around him, giggling and whispering into his ear ... sitting on his lap ... people were approaching me and asking me who Josh's new hot girlfriend was.

9. Back in the Friend Zone
I un-friendzoned this guy once. The first 4 weeks we were dating, he told about how he's going to marry me, make me have his children, tried to force me to wear a G-string, started naming our future children and he also wanted to tattoo my name onto his chest. He couldn't afford it, so he carved my name onto his arm with a knife instead. To this day, he still has my name there.

10. Hmmm ... I Wonder Why We Broke Up?
Mine emailed me last night, over a year after our breakup and one day after his 'heartfelt apology': "In my dreams, I see myself spitting in your face and crushing your esophagus with my bare hands."

11. Sexy Cheetah
Ex-girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other. Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.

12. The Incest Fest, Part II
One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep on the hotel's fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them.

13. Surprise!
My ex-girlfriend was waiting for me in the living room about 4 days after we broke up. I forgot she had the second key to my apartment. She had a cup of wine in her hand and a giant knife. I ran for my life and called the police. They got there in time and arrested her.

14. Sign on the Dotted Line, Please
Well, it's kind of a funny story: My first real "girlfriend" preceded our relationship with rules and regulations like it was an iTunes license agreement.
  • Under no circumstances was I to surprise her at home, work or anywhere, regardless of the reason. No surprise dinners, no "boo!" scares for fun, nothing.
  • When out in public, no public displays of affection. No hand-holding, no kissing, no arm around her, no hugging. We had to walk beside each other like we were brother and sister.
  • We worked in the mall, at different stores, and during times when our shifts matched up, we had 15 minutes or prearranged time together. No less, no more, and it was to be at whatever time she visited. Under no circumstances was I to visit her at work earlier, later, or otherwise not prearranged.
  • During sexytimes, it was missionary, her on bottom, me on top. No thrusting, just "put it in and lay there". No fingers anywhere on her body, no foreplay on her at all.
  • Also during sexytimes-and this "rule" is the one that surprises people the most because of how ridiculous it is-when SHE thought it was time for me to, er, finish, SHE would roll over on her side and say "go finish up in the bathroom." She was outright disgusted by it, and under no circumstances was my "love" to get on her or around her.
See Also: 16 People Reveal the Fattest Thing They've Ever Done

 

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The Absolute Spiciest Foods in the Entire World

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Disclaimer: Mandatory.com is not responsible for the hallucinations, permanent loss of tastebuds, severe pain and suffering, or emergency room bills that will surely occur should you sample anything mentioned in our round-up of the seven spiciest dishes on the planet.

Metrics: Each dish below is rated on the Scoville Heat Scale. For those of you new to the eat-it-and-weep genre of culinary masochism, this rates different dishes based on hotness, and has been used since 1912 when devised by pepper deviant Wilbur Scoville. For reference, traditional tabasco rates at 2,500, a jalapeño hits 3,750, and the kind of pepper spray that's used to debilitate bad guys is 2 million.

1) Pearl's Fried Rice
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Pearl Café -- Florissant, MO
Damage Deposit: $7.95
Scoville Says: Between 100,000 and 300,000

This dish is prepared with abundant kachai peppercorns-more potent pepps than half of those known to man-and can be dialed up or down based on your bravado. Order it and fail to finish, and you'll be publicly shamed on the restaurant's Facebook page. Of the 400 folks who've made the attempt, only 21 have cleaned their plates (thus making the meal free). Do you value your taste buds and ability to smell more or less than ten-bucks-and-a-tip?

2) The 4 Horsemen Burger
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Chunky's -- San Antonio, TX
Damage Deposit: $17
Scoville Says: Estimated to exceed the scale

Any meal requiring a safety waiver earns our respect, and as the 4 Horsemen Burger's made with habanero sauce, fresh jalapeño and Serrano peppers, as well as the infamous ghost pepper-the world's hottest-we bow before Chunky's. As will you bow before their porcelain throne after eating, no doubt; the venue challenges daring diners to finish in 25 minutes and wait an additional five to ensure they don't chunder (lest they be charged a $20 cleanup).

3) Papa a la Huancaína
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Peruvian restaurants everywhere
Damage Deposit: $8
Scoville Says: About 800,000

At first glance, this signature Peruvian dish looks manageable. After all, it's just salad with yellow potatoes, boiled eggs and olives. But once you add Huancaína sauce to the mix, made with the ultra spicy amarillo chili pepper, say goodbye to feeling in your lips. Forever.

4) Fire-In-Your-Hole Wings
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: 420 Munchies Cafe -- Sarasota, FL
Damage Deposit: $7.49
Scoville Says: Estimated to exceed the scale

Disgraced Man vs. Food presenter Adam Richman couldn't finish ten of these bad boys, and he eats 7-pound burritos for breakfast. The secret to the spiciness here's the dangerously hot blend of peppers used to make the sauce (hint: ghost pepper makes another appearance).

5) Phaal
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Brick Lane -- New York, NY
Damage Deposit: $7.49
Scoville Says: Over one million

Phaal, the spiciest curry in the world, is made with eight of the hottest chillies-so hot that the chefs who prepare it have to wear gas masks to protect themselves from the fumes. Since Brick Lane restaurant started serving Phaal to New Yorkers, two customers have been rushed to the hospital, and countless others have complained of hallucinations, uncontrollable tears, profuse sweating, days of lava-like vomiting and fire-flows of 'rhea. All for the glory, plus a free beer and a nifty certificate!

6) Sichuan Huo Guo (Hot Pot)
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Pubs of Sichuan, China
Damage Deposit: $24.95
Scoville Says: Over 800,000

One of the key ingredients of this dish, the "flower pepper," may sound like sissy stuff-but you'll start sweating like Rob Ford at a press conference once you hit the hot pot. Add in hua jiao peppercorns and chili oil, and it's no wonder this dish serves as a right of passage for young males before they're viewed as men in Sichuan. There a man's courage is measured by his ability to eat a hot pot-so the faster you slurp, the more street cred you'll earn (if you can keep it down, of course).

7) Bushido's Spicy Tuna Roll
Spiciest Foods
Where's the Fire: Bushido -- Charleston, SC
Damage Deposit: $6
Scoville Says: Over one million

"You can feel your brain cooking," says one of the brave souls who successfully completed the Bushido Spicy Tuna challenge. To be considered a "legend" at Bushido, customers need to eat ten of the rolls, served in ten varying degrees of heat, in under an hour. The spice levels start at one (described as a manageable, pleasant spiciness) and end at ten (a cerebral slow-cooker). Only eight challengers have made it to "legend" status.

 

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A Woman Pranked The Perverts of the Internet Into Oogling Her Husband's Hairy Ass

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We have to send our thanks to Uproxx for bringing this to our attention because it's this kind of reporting that is going to finally win Mandatory the much-deserved Pulitzer. So, let's move this along and get to the award presentation as soon as possible.

Last night, a woman using the moniker "poshpink330" posted this photo of her cleavage on the Gone Wild section of Reddit, as certain women have been known to do.


Nothing out of the ordinary, right? You see this, and then some, practically every day on the Internet, right? Of course that's not right. You read the headline. You know this is going to go ... uh, south pretty quickly. And not the kind of south everyone on that Reddit thread was hoping for.

After many offers of all sorts from potential suitors, the woman came forward and revealed that everyone was not actually enjoying her beautiful, ample cleavage, but were ogling her husband's disgusting, hairy ass instead. Yes, that is pure, bona fide man ass. Here's your proof.



Be careful out there on the ol' Internet, people. It's full of more twists than "Gone Girl."

 

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This One-Minute Film About Bedtime is Freaking People Out

Today's Funny Photos

The Redneck Retriever Meme Is Here To Speak His Mind

Jack-O'-Lantern Monstrosities That Will Really Scare Kids Away

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It's that time of year again. Time to get together with friends and loved ones, find that perfect pumpkin, gut it and then carve something horrifying into it before showing it off by candlelight. If you need some inspiration for keeping children off your porch this year, here are some great examples that might be a little too much for the kiddies, whether intentionally or not.

pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
scary jack-o-lantern, wifi is down
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins

pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
pumpkin carving fails, jack-o'-lantern fails, ridiculous pumpkins
kill me jack-o-lantern
jack-o-lantern flames

 

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These People Are Way Too Comfortable Out in Public

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Some people have no shame, no matter where they're at. Others value comfort over everything else. And then there are those who just don't give a f**k. The people below are probably a combination of all three, but I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of their carefree approach to life.

way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public, no fucks given
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public, no fucks given
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public
way too comfortable, people making themselves at home in public, no fucks given
way too comfortable, topless girl hailing taxi, no fucks given

 

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7 Halloween Pranks That Ended Very Badly

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Halloween is just around the corner. If you're planning on doling out some pranks this year, remember to keep it safe. The following stories illustrate jokes can sometimes go a bit too far, and sometimes the most daring, dangerous gags can have disastrous and tragic results.


1. Supermarket Sells Severed Hands in Meat Section, Issues Apology

"I think it's such a shame we have an American tradition so violently forced down our throats," said humorlessly hypersensitive Facebook commenter Mona Urfjell.

Europris, a Norwegian supermarket chain, merchandised the severed hands and feet next to cutlets of beef chuck and bacon. Customers complained because, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

At least it was complete with a nutrition label. Europris formally apologized and removed the appendages from the stock.


2. Fake Corpse? or Real?

While not exactly a prank, we can agree it certainly fooled a few. Neighbors thought Mostafa Mahmoud Zayad had simply placed a cleverly realistic dummy on his porch. Little did they know, the corpse was real. It turns out the 75-year-old committed suicide days prior with a gun blast to the eye. Slinking back in his chair, the neighborhood was none-the-wiser.

"The body was in pain view of the entire apartment complex and they didn't do anything," Marina Del Rey newsman Austin Raishbrook said. "It's very strange. It did look unreal, to be honest."



3. Teacher Pulls Epic Prank on Student, Family Sues

Finally, a teacher with balls, albeit borderline-sociopathic balls. He asked a teenage student to answer a knock on the classroom door. When he did, a masked maniac swinging a chainsaw burst through into the room. Horrified, the student jumped back and tripped over a few desks, fracturing his kneecap.

The family filed a $100,000 lawsuit citing expensive surgery and their child's newly crutch-ridden status. Geez, take a joke. It was only a prank.


4. Man Gets Creative With His Hatred For His Neighbor

A Florida man erected an insane asylum sign pointing to his female neighbor's residence. He also customized a tombstone that read: "At 48 she had no mate, no date. It's no debate, she looks 88." Cute rhymes.

She sued the man for defamation, harassment and emotional distress. But ironically this would only provide yet another potential reason for her loneliness.


5. Canadians Run Up to People Swinging Axes and Threatening Murder

Police received reports of two individuals running up to people and threatening murder with an axe; the two would then run away and presumably giggle by their lonesome. Pavel Krivov, 18, and Petru Tomcac, 18, of Vancouver were eventually found and arrested.

They said they were only filming a prank. But the royal Canadian mounties would have none of it, booking them on second-degree assault and tossing them in Canadian jail.


6. Parents Pretend to Murder Each Other and Totally Get Their Children

Police received a 911 call explaining two kids ran over to their neighbor's house and alerted them of a masked man, donning the infamous Michael Myers costume, strangling their mother. The two children, 6 and 8, came home and jolted out horrified from the scene.

But charges were never dropped after it came to light their parents were simply pulling a light-heartened joke.


7. Teenager Dies Pranking Little Sister

Big bros are renowned for their punishing antics at the expense of younger siblings. Last September, Jordan Morlan would take it a smidgen too far. His little sister found the 16-year-old hanging from a tree in their front yard in an apparent attempt to spook her.

Drooling and paling in the face, Morlan had slipped into a coma after the noose cut the oxygen from his brain. Investigators concluded organ failure was the official cause of death. He died within 12 hours of the prank.

The moral? Play it safe this Halloween kids.

 

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SnapChat and Sex With Student Ruin Another Teacher's Career

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The fact that the Pasadena High School cheer squad has dudes on it is a little surprising, but it's not as surprising as their 24-year-old assistant coach sending one of them a nudie pic of herself and not expecting him to show it to everybody.
Ashley Zehnder sex with male cheerleader
According to Uproxx, Ashley Zehnder was a biology teacher and assistant cheerleading coach until she resigned two weeks ago after allegedly having sex with a 17-year-old male cheerleader "all summer long."

Zehnder told school officials that a naked picture of her was being passed around amongst the South Texas high school's students, but it turned out that she was the one who initially put it in circulation when she sent it to her lover via SnapChat.

The student told police the love affair started after he lost his cellphone and used Zehnder's phone to call it. He saved her number, and the two began sexting each other. Things eventually escalated to the nudie pic and summer-long sex sessions, and now Zehnder has been charged with a second-degree felony while the student is considered a victim.

No word if a record number of males tried out for the cheerleading squad this fall.

57-year-old men apparently send masturbation vids via Snapchat: High School Soccer Coach Accidentally Sends Video of Himself Masturbating to His Players

 

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The Pre-Game: The Worst Online Dating Profile Pics You Will Ever See

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The Pre-Game: Dating Profile Pic Dos and Don'ts

We're back with another episode of "The Pre-Game" with your host Cy Amundson, our bi-weekly show that features everything you care about in the world of football, social media and comedy. Today's episode features actress Brooke Burns and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe discussing the dos and don'ts of online dating profile pics, picking this week's big NFL game between the San Diego Chargers and the Denver Broncos with a very important cupcake eating contest and much more.

"The Pre-Game" host and producer Cy Amundson has quickly established himself as one of the nation's fastest rising stand-up comedians. He was a standout performer as a New Face at last summer's Montreal Just For Laughs Festival and recently made his television debut on "Conan."

Named CMT's Next Big Comic for 2011, Cy has been on the "Bob and Tom Show" and has performed in the Aspen Comedy Festival, Seattle International Comedy Competition, and the Great American Comedy Festival.

 

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A Fight Between Mr. Incredible and Batgirl Was Broken Up By Chewbacca

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Punch it, Chewie.

According to UPI, a fight broke out between Mr. Incredible and Batgirl around 5pm yesterday afternoon on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in front of the TCL Chinese Theatre, and it was broken up by Chewbacca, Freddy Kruger and Waldo.

While Mr. Incredible is, well, an "incredible" guy in the movies, he seems to be a real dick on the streets of Hollywood. I mean, trading blows with females definitely isn't a trait found in most legit superheroes.


At one point, Batgirl was trying her best to escape from him, but Mr. Incredible caught up to her and threw her onto the sidewalk.

Who knows? Maybe the "actor" playing Mr. Incredible was attempting to impersonate an NFL player. If that was the case, he did a hell of a job.

Police said they didn't receive any calls about the superhero brawl, but they are "following up on reports." It was also unclear if the characters involved in the melee harassed the guy taking video for tips once everything had calmed down.

Now this is a fight worth watching a few hundred times: Boy Gets Scooter Thrown at His Head During Fight

 

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Watch a Crazy Puppy Try to Pull Off a Girl's Bikini Top

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Dogs have quite the life, man. I mean, if I tried doing something like this, she wouldn't be laughing and I'd be be behind bars.

Kendra Moriah is a singer with two singles available on iTunes, but her biggest hit yet just might be this fun little video of her dog attempting to rip off her bikini top while she's trying to catch some rays at the beach:


Since being uploaded at the beginning of the month, the video has been viewed more than 680,000 times, including more than 120,000 in the last thirty minutes alone.

According to her official website, Moriah was born in the back of a trailer in Texas and spent 14 years living abroad in Azerbaijan, so it sounds like her best years are in front of her. She now writes music in San Francisco and apparently spends her off days on the beach getting her bikini yanked off by her pooch.

Now that you're in the mood: 15 Sexy and Controversial Bikini Bridge Photos

 

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