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Freddy Krueger, Made of Meat, Will Live in Your Nightmares Forever

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Freddy Krueger, Made of Meat, Will Live in Your Nightmares Forever

In our latest video series on Mandatory, "Fast Food Formations," we play with dinner like total pros. In this week's episode, we recreate your childhood nightmare, Freddy Krueger, out of meat. It's as terrifying and disgusting as it sounds. Enjoy!

 

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Notre Dame Wide Receiver Beds Porn Star Lisa Ann

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There are different ways of getting over a tough loss to one of the nation's top college football teams, but 18-year-old Notre Dame freshman wide receiver Justin Brent is probably in better spirits than most of his teammates this week.

According to Deadspin, Brent spent Wednesday night at Madison Square Garden taking in some New York Knicks preseason basketball. Oh, and he did so with popular 42-year-old porn star Lisa Ann:

notre dame wide receiver and Lisa Ann
Since one of the teams on the court was the Knicks and his date was a porn star, we'll assume the best action of the evening for Brent took place in the sack later that night, and this selfie supports our theory quite nicely:

notre dame wide receiver and Lisa Ann
Brent might have zero catches on the field this year, but it looks like he has at least one big catch off of it.

At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Hey, does this guy ever go to class?" But let's be honest: The sex ed course he took Wednesday night will be more beneficial in the long run than any class offered at Notre Dame.

This isn't the first time Lisa Ann has rocked a college kid's world: College Student Attends AVN Awards With Porn Star Lisa Ann Thanks to Sign Held Up on ESPN

 

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Watch This Adorable Dog Ring a Bell Every Time She Wants a Treat

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It was cute the first 18 times, but we wouldn't be surprised if the bell is no longer a part of Maddie's toy collection.

According to Huffington Post, Kirk Miller was trying to teach his 10-week-old dachshund puppy named Maddie to ring a bell every time she wanted a treat. Because treats are delicious, Maddie decided to ring the bell a lot:


Miller uploaded the video in 2012, but it has recently been viewed hundreds of thousands of times after being picked up by Viral Viral Videos.

We're assuming the video isn't too high on hotel front desk clerks' lists, and we're pretty sure the cat at the beginning of the clip wasn't too crazy about it either.

Watch this dog's epic couch jump fail: Overconfident Dog Learns His Lesson in Slow Motion

 

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The Pre-Game: The Ultimate Pickup Line Challenge

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The Pre-Game: The Pickup Lines Challenge
We're back with another episode of "The Pre-Game" with your host Cy Amundson, our series that features everything you care about in the world of football, social media and comedy. Today's episode features TV host Brooke Burns and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe dishing out dating advice and picking this weekend's biggest games. Then watch as Cy and Tony test out their best pickup lines on Brooke. (It's not pretty.)

"The Pre-Game" host and producer Cy Amundson has quickly established himself as one of the nation's fastest rising stand-up comedians. He was a standout performer as a New Face at last summer's Montreal Just For Laughs Festival and recently made his television debut on "Conan."

Named CMT's Next Big Comic for 2011, Cy has been on the "Bob and Tom Show" and has performed in the Aspen Comedy Festival, Seattle International Comedy Competition, and the Great American Comedy Festival.

Visit the Home of "The Pre-Game" for more episodes.

 

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This Is The Plot Of Every Episode Of 'Storage Wars' You've Ever Seen

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Storage Wars
There was a time period when I would record every single episode of "Storage Wars." I don't know what it was about watching a bunch of thrift shop owners purchase inventory for their stores, but I was addicted. Since then the show may have spread itself too thin with spin-offs and new characters, and those bizarre lawsuits, but let's remember the glory days of "Storage Wars." The crazy thing is that we kept watching even though every episode was basically the exact same thing. This sums up the plot for nearly every episode you've ever seen:

Dan: All right-who's ready to buy a room full of someone's life that they couldn't afford to store so we're selling it off and making absurd money for a reality show?

Everyone: Yeah! We love it!

Dan opens the locker.

Dave: Well, there's a refrigerator box. I just looked it up and, if my sources are correct, there's probably a refrigerator in there. You can easily sell those for $8000 so I'll be bidding on this one.

Darrell: Hmm, I'm not seeing any tanktops in there so I'm probably not interested. What do you think, Brando?

Brandon: Dirt bikes are cool.

Darrell: Brando, stop talking about dirt bikes and watch the master at work. Now hand me my sunglasses. You'll know which ones are mine because they'll match the sunglasses tan line on my face that I keep at all times.

Jared: I like this one. Should we bid on it, Brandi?

Brandi: I would like to bid on a locker that's full of shirts because you've been wearing a variation of the same Outlaw T-shirt with a pair of JNCO shorts for the last decade.

Jared: So is that a yes or no?

Brandi: OK, but our limit is $500.

Jared: Perfect.

Barry rides in on the shoulders of a gorilla riding a unicycle.

Storage Wars
Barry: I don't want any (Barry lowers his sunglasses) monkey trouble.

Dan: Barry, that's not even a pun.

Barry: Who cares? I'm rich!

Dan: Did you look in the locker yet?

Barry: I bid $9000!

Dan: We haven't started yet.

Barry: What? Sorry I guess you could say I have (Barry lowers his sunglasses) more monkey, more problems.

Dan: Again, that doesn't make sense. Let's start the bidding at $100.

Dave: YUUUUUP!

Jared: Dave is bidding so now I have to bid. I'm bidding $450.

Brandi: That's fine but remember our limit is $500.

Darrell: I bid $500.

Jared: $700!

Brandi: Oh my god, are you serious?

Jared: What if there's more Outlaw shirts in there?

Brandi: Trust me, there's no Outlaw shirts anywhere else in the world.

Jared: OK, then I'm out.

Barry wants to bid but he has a pair of novelty buck teeth stuck in his mouth and has to be escorted out by a paramedic.

storage wars
Darrell: Looks like it's just me and you now, Dave. I'm going to bid way more so it looks dramatic but really, we're just wasting each other's money for no reason.

Dave: Sounds good!

The two do a series of bids where Dave yells "YUUUP" then Darrell does some kind of weird blinking move or fart sound with his armpit. Eventually Dave wins the locker.

Dave: Yeah! That's why I'm the best at buying storage lockers. This is a real thing I brag about. You can buy my shirts online!

Everyone leaves as Dave starts going through the locker.

Dave: Well, here's a lava lamp. Those are really valuable. I price this one at $800. This mattress with urine stains should go for around $1100. Here's a box of packing peanuts. I used to work in the moving industry so I can guarantee these will sell for $4400. Oh my, what is this?

Dave pulls a graduation picture out of a box of a man named Kevin Simpson.

Dave: Wow, this is fascinating. I'm not really familiar with the value of graduation pictures but I know an expert that can help me appraise it.

Dave leaves and goes to see some sort of photo expert.

Dave: So, what is this worth?

Expert: Well, I mean if you found the family of the guy who was in these photos and he had passed away and they had no photos of him whatsoever, you could probably sell it to them. Otherwise, it's completely useless.

Dave: How much do you think I could sell it to them for?

Expert: Again, this is a completely fictitious story I made up in a very bizarre hypothetical situation. More than likely your picture is useless, but if you wanted to sell it to this imaginary family I would guess they'd pay $5,000?

Dave: Wow. I just made $5,000 just on this one item alone. That's why I'm the mogul. Darrell, you can suck it, buddy. I'm the best. Combine this with the other items I overinflated in that locker and I turned a $900 investment into approximately $85,000. I'm assuming I'll get full retail value on most items or that they'll be a rare collector looking for the others, but I'm confident they'll all sell immediately. There's no way this junk will just end up sitting on the shelves of my thrift store. Nope. No way!

(All photos courtesy of A&E)

See Also: The 12 Most Annoying Things People Say on "House Hunters"

 

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Two Guys Following Swerving Driver End Up in Crazy Car Crash With Her

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(Note: Skip ahead to 1:55 for the bulk of the action. Some NSFW language included.)

The video above begins with two guys filming a swerving car in front of them (which we later find out is being driven by a woman). You can skip ahead to the 2-minute mark for the first major swerve out of her lane, but there are plenty of smaller swerves before that, and you may want to watch the whole thing to let the tension build. Eventually, the erratic driver causes a major wreck, and one of the guys yells, "I knew it was coming!" afterward. You'll see it coming, too, but that doesn't make it less scary. Trust me.

Reportedly, two of the drivers were taken to the hospital, and Pennsylvania State Police are still investigating the crash. (WWLP.com)

 

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The Professional Prankster Photobomb

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The Professional Prankster Photobomb

Meet Greg Benson, YouTube's most prolific prankster. We set him loose in Los Angeles to torture tourists for our viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

 

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Shia LaBeouf Dresses Like An Asshole

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Shia LaBeouf is a super popular actor who has absolutely no idea how to dress himself when he leaves the house. That being said, the more I stare at some of these outfits, the more I find myself thinking maybe he's on to something here. He may not look stylish, but he definitely looks comfortable.

shia labeouf
shia labeouf
shia labeouf
shia labeouf
shia labeouf
shia labeouf
shia labeouf

 

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If The Names Of Your Awful Halloween Costumes Were Honest

Today's Funny Photos

These 7 Spider Stories Will Make Your Skin Crawl

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Yep, this article is fear-mongering at its finest. I want you to shiver in fright, not be able to go to bed tonight, and forever fear those eight-legged beasts of nightmares for the rest of your days. Here are seven stories of spiders doing very, very bad things.

Spider Stories
Doctors Find Big Fat Spider in Woman's Ear
A Chinese woman referred to only as Mrs. Lee checked into China's Changsha Central Hospital after complaining about an itchy ear. Doctor's investigated, finding a hairy, four-eyed, eight-legged demon just chilling ... in ... her ... head.

The arachnid crawled into her ear canal while she slept and kicked it old-school for five days. The doctors poured saline solution in her ear until the spider walked out on its own volition.

The next time you feel itchiness within your ear, it might be better to just kill yourself.


Spider Burrows Into DudeBro's Stomach
Traveling bro Dylan Thomas, 21, woke up to see his appendix scar a little bit longer. After feeling a "very searing, hot burning sensation" within his abdomen, he went to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with "spider-in-the-chest" syndrome. It had been there for three days.

Doctors excised the strange tropical spider from beneath his skin. And Bali's tourism industry took a brutal hit.


Family Flees Home After Thousands of Deadly Spiders Infest It
You probably heard about this little ditty recently. In a literal rendition of "Arachnophobia," approximately 6,000 Brown Recluse spiders converged on a suburban Missouri home.

The family witnessed hordes of spiders bleeding from the walls. The owners sued the previous owners for not making this little detail clear in the lease, and subsequently abandoned the home.


Hairy, Poisonous Tarantulas Invade Indian Village, Killing Child and Man
In 2012, the small Indian town of Sayida experienced horror the likes of which is unmatched by even the creepiest, crawliest Hollywood flicks. Thousands, possibly millions, of mysterious tarantulas converged on the village, killing two. Victims suffered "excruciating pain and nausea" after being bitten.

The villagers were running and falling over one another to escape this sudden plague of spiders. The breed was described as highly aggressive, and they would even latch onto their victims after they bit them. I am currently crossing Northern India off my travel list.

Brazilian Wandering spider - Phoneutria - listed in the Guinness World Records as the world's most venomous spider since 2010 - specifically the 2 most notorious are Phoneutria fera and Phoneutria nigriventer..This one was found in a bunch of bananas from Waitrose by neighbour's of Dave Dillon
The World's Deadliest Spider Gets Sent in Food Delivery in UK
A Brazilian spider whose Greek scientific name translates to "murderess" was found in the grocery bag of a South London family only a few days ago. It seems imported fruit sometimes brings some of the world's nastiest specimens to the First World.

The father picked up the bananas and a hulking, hairy Brazilian wandering spider fell off the batch. It assumed a threatening position, standing up on its hind legs, hissing, until the father dropped the bananas and pinned one of its legs. The spider then tore off its leg to escape, commencing a frantic household search for the deadly arachnid.

To make matters worse, the family found hundreds of eggs on the bananas. They were left "deeply traumatized," but Waitrose (the grocery delivery service) offered £150 worth of shopping vouchers and a free family shopping spree. Sweet gesture. But I would personally boycott Waitrose for life.


Irishman's Testicles Swell to the Size of Apples after Spider Bite, Later Dies
In July, an Irishman by the name of John Kennedy was bit on his neck while watching a movie with his family. The bleeding was severe, and it took nearly two rolls of toilet paper to stop it.

Stubborn and Irish, Kennedy said he'd be fine in the morning. But his organs began to fail, his stomach swelled up, his eyesight failed and he started to vomit blood. Did I mention his testicles swelled up, too?

Paramedics couldn't save him. The perpetrator was a Redback Spider, yet another tropical killer which made its way to the UK via imported foods.


Fact or Fiction? Spider Lays Eggs in Man's Stomach
It could be a myth, or it could be a case of the victim being too embarrassed to tell his story. You decide.

California man Tom Wilkinbooth was sleeping in the wee hours of the morning when he felt a tingling sensation on his tummy. He awoke to find his body riddled with rashes, and going to the bathroom was incredibly difficult. After visiting the doctor and taking X-rays, he learned that hundreds of spider eggs had hatched inside of his stomach.

When the five-hour surgery was complete, Wilkinbooth peered beside him to see a baggy full of baby spiders, which the doctor had exhumed from his belly.

 

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The Stars of 'Baywatch' 25 Years Later

6 Things You Didn't Know About the World Series

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6 Thinks You Didn't Know About the World Series

You're a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to sports, aren't you? Well, prepare to be thoroughly embarrassed as we school you in World Series factoids that'll put you back on top of sports pub trivia.

 

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Here are Several Idiots Who Incriminated Themselves on Facebook and Got Arrested

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It should go without saying, but if you commit a crime-no matter how hilarious you think it is-or are running from the authorities, you should probably keep it on the down-low. If you just have to share your recent criminal activity with someone, be sure it's a person you trust. What you should NEVER do, however, is post any of it on social media. Don't take it from me; learn from the idiots below.

people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
people who incriminated themselves on facebook, dumb criminals
via Izismile

 

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Woman Spends Seven Years Crushing Ribs Just to Look Like Jessica Rabbit

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No word yet on how she plans on turning herself into a cartoon character to finish the job.

According to BroBible, Kelly Lee Dekay now has a 16-inch waist thanks to the fact that she has spent the last seven years of her life crushing her ribs in an effort to look like Jessica Rabbit from the 1988 hit movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Yes, this Jessica Rabbit:


And now, the photo of Miss Dekay for comparison:
Kelly Lee Dekay, jessica rabbit in real life
All right, one more for good measure:
kelly lee dekay, jessica rabbit in real life
Images via Kelly Lee Dekay's Instagram

Dekay said Storm of Marvel Comics/X-men fame also inspired her to drop to a size 16. The number one reason for crushing her ribs to look like a cartoon character and a superhero? You guessed it: "They wore their personalities externally."

She said she uses a corset to help slim her down, and while she doesn't necessarily encourage it, she's done some pretty crazy things like playing softball and hiking mountains while wearing it.

"But if I do want to do something extreme, I don't limit myself," the 27-year-old said. "If I have to be out of corset, then I'm out of it. I don't go to the gym in a corset-that's really dangerous because I do weightlifting."

Actually, it It looks like she may have also been eating a ton of these cookies: Japanese Cookies Claim They Can Make Breasts Bigger

 

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French Cop Face-plants While Chasing Topless Protesters (NSFW)

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Let's be honest: Boobs can be quite the distraction. Apparently, dozens of bare-breasted women running down the street were so distracting to one French police officer over the weekend that he forgot how to execute the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other:


If only somebody had taken the time to add audio of the late Howard Cosell yelling "Down goes Frazier," we really would have had something here. Then again, since we're dealing with exposed jugs, we're sure nobody is really that busted up about it not being in there.

According to Gawker, the demonstration this weekend was "organized to protest the 'sexual exhibition' conviction of Iana Zhdanova." Zhdanova was arrested for allegedly "stabbing a statue of Vladmir Putin while topless."

Zhdanova and the fleeing demonstrators are part of a feminist protest group called FEMEN. Founded in Ukraine in 2008, the "often-topless" group is now based in Paris.

We're unsure if such an award even exists, but if it does, we'd bet that they've been named France's most popular group of protesters at least twice.

Chasing a group of topless women is ridiculous, but tripping students rushing a soccer field is even worse: Watch This Jerk Cop Trip Students Celebrating State Title

 

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California Man Busted With 500 Pairs of Panties and Stolen Guns in His Room

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Oh, so that's why so many women in the Bay Area don't wear underwear: They were all in Benjamin Hawkins' bedroom.

According to CBS San Francisco, Hawkins is in deep, deep trouble after Petaluma police discovered almost 500 pairCalifornia man arrested for stealing 500 pairs of pantiess of women's underwear and several stolen firearms in his bedroom during a burglary investigation last week.

Police were under the suspicion that the 18-year-old Hawkins was responsible for a recent theft involving several firearms, including a sawed-off shotgun. After obtaining a warrant to search his residence, police not only found the stolen guns but also nearly 500 pairs of panties and several pieces of stolen women's jewelry.

Police said that most of the panties were likely taken during "lawful visits with his friends" as well as residential burglaries.

Hawkins' bail was set at $40,000, which means he would have to sell every pair of stolen underwear at 80 bucks a pop if he's hoping to prepare his case outside of jail.

Check out this thief who not only stole some poor woman's panties but also tried them on: Burglar Caught on Video Trying on Panties

 

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Today's Funny Photos

A Heartwarming Tinder Love Story In Three Photos

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For anyone who doubts social media and its ability to help people find true love, I present to you this modern day tale of romance and passion. I mean, how can you look at this and not feel warm and tingly inside? (And maybe just a little bit hungry for some quality brunch, too.)

funny photos, tinder bacon
funny photos, tinder bacon
funny photos, tinder bacon

Via Tumblr

 

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The Biggest and Best Live Concerts Left to See in 2014

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