Classic Vinyls That Are Worth A Lot Of Dough

September 21, 2015, 5:50 am

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Next time you're in your dad's basement and you're not thinking about getting murdered down there because every basement is a crime scene waiting to happen, make sure you dust off your old man's classic vinyls. If your dad doesn't have a basement, or if you don't know who your dad is, try to see if your friend's dad (who always liked you better than his own son) has some of these records that you can steal and sell for some big bucks.

The vinyls below are worth quite a bit of money.

Prince And The Revolution - Purple Rain (Promotional version, 1984)

Price: $43.00

The Doors - L.A. Woman ("Slide cover" version, 1971)

Price: $44.00

Michael Jackson - Thriller (CBS Mastersound series, 1982)

Price: $53.00

Bruce Springsteen - Blinded by the Light (Single, 1973)

Price: $72.00

Pink Floyd - A Saucerful of Secrets (Rare label, 1968)

Price: $75.00

The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico (First pressing, 1967)

Price: $102.00

Bruce Springsteen - The Ghost of Tom Joad (First pressing, 1995)

Price: $109.00

Phil Spector - Back to Mono (Boxed set, 1991)

Price: $153.00

The Replacements - Let It Be (Limited edition, 1984)

Price: $159.00

Pink Floyd - The Division Bell (First pressing, 1994)

Price: $161.00

Metallica - Metallica (First pressing, 1991)

Price: $169.00

Tom Petty - Wildflowers (First pressing, 1994)

Price: $217.00

The Alan Parsons Project - I Robot (Limited edition, 1983)

Price: $250.00

Bruce Springsteen - The Rising (First pressing, 2002)

Price: $256.00

The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (Limited edition, 1996)

Price: $282.00

Zappa - The Old Masters, Box Two (Boxed set, 1986)

Price: $300.00

Phish - Lawn Boy (Limited release, 1990)

Price: $500.00

The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Boxed set reissue, 1982)

Price: $500.00

Led Zeppelin - BBC Sessions (Boxed set, 1997)

Price: $538.00

Pink Floyd - The Dark Side of the Moon (Gatefold sleeve, 1973)

Price: $593.00

U2 - The Joshua Tree Collection (Boxed set, 1987)

Price: $672.00

Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin (Rare first pressing, turquoise lettering, 1969)

Price: $806.00

The Beatles - The Collection (Boxed set, 1982)

Price: $1,000.00

Nirvana - Bleach (Limited release, 1992)

Price: $1,100.00

Via The Chive

Make sure to get these, too: The Best Records To Have On Vinyl

 

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British Man Banned From Any Place With A Slide Because He Likes To Have Sex With Them

September 21, 2015, 7:02 am

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I remember looking at several choice slides and swing sets as a kid and thinking, "Those look they're going to be a good time."

But this is ridiculous.

According to The Huddersfield Daily Examiner, a 46-year-old pervert from Stoke has been banned from any park or facility with a slide after he was busted "simulating a sex act" with a slide last month for the second time.


The Coventry Magistrates' Court slapped Christopher Johnson with a three-year "Criminal Behavior Order" which bars him from going to any parks, leisure centers, swimming baths, lidos or recreation grounds where there is a slide after four people spotted him going to town on a local slide last month.

Johnson's latest slide humping came just over a year after he was arrested for molesting a slide at a park in the town of Keresley.

Johnson was ordered to pay $434 in fines and court costs as well, and he must also go to rehab to seek treatment for his "sex offender" ways. No word on what he plans to do in the meantime, but you have to think that the slide ban means the teeter-totters of England better be on high alert.

Somebody had sex with a helicopter: The Weirdest Objects People Have Had Sex With

 

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Florida Man Breaks Into Bar And Defecates On The Floor

September 21, 2015, 7:54 am

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Hey, Grandpa. Tell us the one about the time you went on a drug, booze and pill-induced bender and took a poop on the floor at Joey D's. Please?

According to Huffington Post, a 60-year-old Naples man was arrested last week after he broke into a local bar, destroyed a few computers and the cash register and then took a massive dump on the floor.


Police found Robert Predmore unconscious outside of Joey D's Tuesday night, and they were able to piece together that Predmore was responsible for the break-in and defecation episode because he had also crapped his drawers.

They said Predmore was responsible for thousands of dollars of damage and a pile of human feces that was left on the floor next to a bottle of Sambuca. After searching through the pooping perp's backpack, police also found "several prescription pill bottles and a clear plastic baggy with marijuana."

Predmore is still being held at the Collier County Jail on charges of criminal mischief, pot possession and burglary. No word if he's still wearing the same pants though.

Apparently, girls also poop: This Bikini Poop Stain Prank Will Gross You Out And Crack You Up

 

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There Is A Very Obvious Downside To Working With Cows

September 21, 2015, 7:55 am

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The photo below lends itself to many easy jokes and puns, so I'm going to let you all handle that. I'm just going to say that it appears this gentleman was having a very nice day at work, but then it took a turn for the worse. Perfectly timed photos are still the best photos.


Via Reddit

More: These Photos Will Not End Well

 

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Model With Large Natural Breasts Jogs Toward Tony Toutouni In A Bikini

September 21, 2015, 8:08 am

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If you're wondering what Tony Toutouni does most of his days, this video might be a clue. Signaling at busty women to come over to you and then filming them run in slow motion is not easy, but someone has to do it. Because sometimes you have to set time apart for important things:

Tag anyone who loves natural boobs @whitneyarielle

A video posted by Tony Toutouni (@lunatic_living) on Sep 21, 2015 at 11:54am PDT

And if you're wondering who that very excited and eager woman in the video is, well her name is Whitney Arielle. And she wants you to know that "yes, they're real." Let's take a look at some more pictures of her to make sure:

You will never be everyone's favorite , stay true to you and Keep a positive vibe ! :) always keep that smile ! #yestheyrereal

A photo posted by whitneyarielle (@whitneyarielle) on Sep 4, 2015 at 9:58pm PDT

Shine bright like a diamond ! #draisubc2015 #idealimage #ubcvegas #bestbikinicontestever #bikini #bikiniHustle #herewego #almostfriday #drais #vegas @ultimatebikini_drais @draislv #yestheyreReal #naturalchick

A photo posted by whitneyarielle (@whitneyarielle) on Aug 27, 2015 at 9:16am PDT

Bikini invitational finals @rehablv . See ya soon! #rehablv #yestheyrereal #rehablv #bikiniinvitational #lasvegas #Vegas #bikini @bellinarebelle

A photo posted by whitneyarielle (@whitneyarielle) on Sep 12, 2015 at 7:52pm PDT

 

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Drunk Blue Jays Fan Rips Urinal Off The Wall And Floods Stadium

September 21, 2015, 8:10 am

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The Toronto Blue Jays lost a tough one at home to the Boston Red Sox Saturday night, but it was the 500-level at the Rogers Centre that lost a urinal and had sportswriters and fans going crazy on Twitter.

At some point during the Jays' 7-6 defeat, a drunk Toronto fan passed out while taking a piss. And when he woke up, all hell broke loose:

Drunk man fell asleep taking a leak, pulled the urinal off the wall and flooded the upper concourse of Rogers Centre. #cheapseats #bluejays

- Condescending Jay (@condescendingBJ) September 19, 2015

Rogers Centre elevator apparently snafu'd by well-lubricated fan who pulled urinal off wall, flooding shaft ... Catch the Jays fever.

- cathalkelly (@cathalkelly) September 20, 2015

Further to Urinalgate, drunken Rogers Centre fan was half-naked as he pulled urinal off wall. The wrong half.

- cathalkelly (@cathalkelly) September 20, 2015

We're in a holding pen in Section 529 at @Rogers_Centre #SkyDome because of a massive flood on the 500 level. @BlueJays #LetUsOut ..lol.

- mark 'dub' (@youvebeendubd) September 19, 2015

@cathalkelly Thanks for the info - I was caught in the flood on the 500 level. The Dome staff were in full panic.

- Andrew Gregg (@andykat2) September 20, 2015

Naturally, some fans were left asking how something like ripping a urinal from the wall was even possible, and apparently the answer is that once you finish your 15th silo of Labatt Blue, you turn into the Incredible Hulk. Or maybe it just isn't as hard as you would think:

@alisonsykora pic.twitter.com/7sOd2TX6yw

- Casey Johnston (@DarthHockey) September 19, 2015

h/t Barstool Sports

They don't pass out while drunk at a Canadian rodeo: Just A Threesome Going Down In Broad Daylight At The Calgary Stampede

 

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'Pizza Rat' Drags An Entire Slice Down Some Stairs In New York

September 21, 2015, 8:28 am

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Rats are filthy creatures, especially those living beneath the steps of the First Avenue L station in Manhattan. That doesn't mean these little varmints aren't capable of making us laugh, though. Case in point: this video of a pre-mutated Master Splinter trying to bring food home to his sons. Obviously, ninjutsu skills don't transfer to foraging, because this story ends with the rat not getting the cheese. How are we supposed to "Cowabunga!" to that? (h/t Gawker)

Related: The Very Best Pizza Memes

 

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Model Tries To Blackmail Jaromir Jagr, Reveals Her Own Adulterous Ways Instead

September 21, 2015, 9:14 am

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Oh, to be 18 and incredibly dumb.

An 18-year-old model thought that she had a fantastic idea: she would take a picture of herself in bed with Florida Panthers winger Jaromir Jagr, and then she would blackmail Jagr by threatening to post the picture if he didn't pay up. The only problem was that Jagr didn't care, and the model instead posted a picture of herself with another man...a man who isn't her boyfriend.


After the model asked Jagr for about $2,000 or she would post the picture for all the Internet world to see, Jagr responded with "I don't care." So the model posted the picture.

Well thing is, Jagr is single. The girl is not. She's reportedly dating Czech hockey prospect Domink Rudl, who calls Jagr his idol. Although something tells me he isn't his idol anymore.

Clearly the model ended up looking quite dumb in all of this as not only may she be out of a boyfriend, but she was part of a hilarious meme that you can see more of on Uproxx.

Someone tried to blackmail Jerry Jones, too: Check Out These Pictures Of Jerry Jones Groping Women In A Restroom

 

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Woman's 20-Year-Old Cyst Popped In Front Of Horrified Studio Audience

September 21, 2015, 9:20 am

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We're assuming you read the headline before clicking, so we probably don't need to warn you any more about how truly stomach-churning the following video is. It comes from a segment on "The Doctors" in which a patient finally decides to have a cyst that had been growing on her head for 20 years removed. The "good stuff" happens at around the 1:12 mark if you don't want to wait around to lose your lunch.


Why someone would wait 20 years to get a cyst the size of an egg removed is beyond our comprehension, but then again so is the utter repulsiveness of what we just watched. Beyond that, there is not much to say. After all, reactions speak louder than words, so we'll just let them take it from here.




Let's see how much more you can handle: A Man Finally Had The 3-Month-Old Cyst On His Leg Popped And It's Disgusting

 

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Today's Funny Photos

September 22, 2015, 12:19 am

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12 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Talented Painters

September 22, 2015, 1:50 am

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One creative medium usually lends itself to another, which is why many talented actors, musicians and all-around artists spill their leftover energy onto a blank canvas. We recently gave you a good look at some great underground artists, but there are also a number of celebrities you probably didn't know were avid painters. Here are 12 notable examples.

Jim Carrey

The funnyman himself, Jim Carrey, is much more than your average comedic actor. In a recent episode of "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," he gave a rare look into his art studio and some of the larger scale, brightly colored abstract pieces he's been working on. Aside from painting, he's also a bit of an existentialist and spiritual person, which is apparent in his work. In 2012, he did his first solo show, "Nothing to See Here."

James Franco

He does it all: acting, writing, student, teacher, and the list goes on and on. James Franco, the renaissance animal he is, somehow finds time to work painting into his creative repertoire, too. Aside from this mural he did for the film "This Is the End," Franco also garnered extra attention for rendering the sketches of a naked Seth Rogen by artist Christopher Schultz into paintings. Yes, he painted Seth Rogen nude, which is very bold.

Lucy Liu

For a long time, one of "Charlie's Angels" was an abstract artist, working under the brush name Yu Ling. In more recent years, Lucy Liu has come out with work under her own name. She works in the form of traditional art, as well as 3D renderings and sketches, but some of her best works are her textured paintings.

Johnny Depp

The quiet, dark mind of Johnny Depp typically lends itself to the silver screen, as well as live musical performances, but he is also known for painting portraitures. People like Patti Smith, Keith Richards, Bob Dylan and Marlon Brando are all subjects that semi-tortured artists like Depp have painted. He also paints his children a lot, with emphasis on capturing their emotion therein.

David Bowie

Colorful and insanely surreal like what you might expect from a David Bowie painting, the hands behind Ziggy Stardust are also known for their use of acrylics and computer collage on canvas. He also does a bit of sculpting. It's been that way since he studied art and design once upon a time. His earliest installations were in the mid-1990s, but his work comes from as far back as the 1970s.

Steven Tyler

He's already the lead singer of Aerosmith and a panel judge for "American Idol"; what more could you ask for from a man? How about some art? Steven Tyler has been painting and selling for years, and most of his work revolves around what he knows: rock 'n' roll. So it should come as no surprise that many of his projects incorporate skulls and guitars.

Sylvester Stallone

Here are a few things you should know about Sylvester Stallone: he likes to paint in the nude, his acting and painting go hand in hand and his brightly decorated paintings depict some of his acting career highlights such as "Rocky" and "Rambo" (we probably shouldn't have led off with painting in the nude, as it either scared you off or turned you on). Retrospective modern art from one of the mighty Expendables? Go on. After decades of painting, Sly has gotten a little less shy about showing his work off, doing exhibitions in France, for example, right outside of Cannes Film Festival.

Stevie Nicks

The Fleetwood Mac singer and solo artist never picked up a paintbrush until the 1980s. After her best friend was diagnosed with leukemia, Stevie Nicks was inspired by the etheric work of angels, which you can see above. By the mid 1990s, she was even getting noticed for her work. Now painting is right there on her list of things to do alongside music.

Anthony Hopkins

The 77-year-old actor shows us you're never too old to pick up a new hobby. Coming from a gray England, Anthony Hopkins has been fascinated by the colors of California since his move in the 1970s to pursue acting. His studio up in the hills of Malibu is accompanied by music, a brush, and an oil set to help him escape the intensity of L.A. fame in the film industry. Some consider him a modern day Picasso, which is fitting since he's played him onscreen.

Joni Mitchell

She considers herself a painter first and a musician second, but that hasn't stopped Joni Mitchell from excelling at both. In fact, one helps the other, as many of her album covers are her own paintings. Starting with drawings in the 1940s moving on to painting several decades later, her catalog is as full as her music career. Felt pen on paper is another popular medium for the singer, and she loves doing portraiture of interesting folk artists, as well.

Swiss Beatz

Though he's better known lately as a promoter of other artists, curating shows with his art collection that includes Jean-Michel Basquiat, Keith Haring and Andy Warhol, Swiss Beatz is a bit of a painter, too. Be on the lookout for his work alongside other underground artists.

Bob Dylan

After more than 50 years of putting out music, Bob Dylan has only been known as a painter for a relatively small amount of time. His art, much like his music, seems simple and nearly childlike in its composition and has become his documentation of places he's traveled while on tour. Even though he has published a few art books of his own, Dylan has been accused of plagiarism for many of his paintings. The claims say he steals from popular photographs and uses them as his own body of work, specifically when referring to the "The Asia Series" back around 2010.

 

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21 Sex Positions Ranked

September 22, 2015, 2:41 am

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Everyone likes flopping around naked with someone (although actually flopping around may explain a lot about my downfalls), but, of course, not everyone likes the same things when it comes to sex. That move that you like doing so much might be the the move that your girlfriend hates the most.

Here are 21 sex positions ranked from worst to best (according to Metro). So blame them if you're a huge advocate of tea-bagging and feel that should be ranked higher.

21 - Anal

This one doesn't need much explaining. But not many people can get behind this.

20 - The X
You and your partner are supposed to form an X and somehow make it pleasurable.

19 - Wheelbarrow

It's sort of like that game at family reunions where you hold your partner's leg and maneuver your way to the finish line. But you're naked. And your family isn't there. Hopefully.

18- Headrush
Your partner lies on the floor with their legs on the bed and you do your thing to them, and then you talk about how funny it was when the blood rushed to their head and you couldn't tell if they had passed out or not.

17 - Tea-bagging


16 - Pretzel
If you're attempting this, have 911 on speed dial just in case

15 - 69
All about working together.

14 - Spoons
This counts as cuddling.

13 - V


12 - Cunnilingus
Gotta give to get, fellas.

11 - Standing
I prefer sitting on a chair with wheels and just rolling myself to all my destinations, but standing could be fun too.

10 - Reverse Cowgirl


9 - Lapdance
A chair is usually involved, so you can finally use that random chair in your bedroom you have for some reason.

8 - Facesitting
Just make sure you don't accidentally kill your partner.

7 - Handjob
Good thing you did those wrist curls that one day.

6 - Cowgirl


5 - Blowjob


4 - Tit wank
"Tit wank" is also the name I finally settled on for my band.

3 - Missionary


2 - Face-to-face
So your partner can see you and ask themselves why they decided to hook up with you.

1 - Doggy


Might want to be careful with these: 10 Ridiculous Published Sex Positions That Will Definitely Send You To The Emergency Room

 

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Scottish Guy Drowns Out Anti-Gay Street Preacher With Bagpipes

September 22, 2015, 3:04 am

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There are a lot of idiots out there who wake up and decide they're going to take hours out of their day to rant and yell hateful things on the street just for the hell out of it. And while many of us sometimes want to yell back and point out how dumb they sound, one Scottish guy decided to take a better route -- the bagpipes route.

When a homophobic preacher hit Market Street in St. Andrews with a microphone and amplifier and started screaming about how gay marriage is ruining the economy, a Scottish guy thought it was time to showcase his bagpipes skills. There's always time for bagpipes.



The preacher was apparently warned by police that he was disturbing the peace. Kudos to the Scottish guy for thinking of a nonviolent way of shutting up all that nonsense the preacher was spewing, and kudos to him for reminding us of the power of bagpipes.

Bagpipes may have been needed here: Scottish People Are Hard To Understand When They're Angry

 

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Faces That Accurately Represent Your Relationship With Food

September 22, 2015, 3:50 am

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Food is everything. It should be your number one priority over everything and everyone, even over your loved ones. So it shouldn't be too difficult to relate to all of the situations below because they have happened to us numerous times.

Kick back, grab your favorite junk food, shorten your life by a few years and enjoy these pictures.






























Via Distractify

Makes Sense: Survey Says People Who Eat Grilled Cheese Have More Sex

 

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Domino's Pizza Delivery Man Accidentally Delivers $1,300

September 22, 2015, 4:06 am

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Well, that's one way to get a good review on Yelp.

Mike Vegas, a man from Berkeley, California, decided that he wanted to fill his body with pizza and wings from Domino's and then worry about his lifespan later, so he did just that. But along with his pizza and wings he got something else delivered to him: $1,300 in cash.





Vegas ate some and put the rest of the food in the fridge only to return later for it:

"My phone started blowing up and I wasn't looking at the random messages. I was at work so I wasn't answering," Vegas says. "About 5 a.m., I got home from work and went to my refrigerator and pulled out what I thought was wings. It turned out to be 1,300 bucks."



The pizza delivery guy was apparently on his way to the bank before making Vegas his last pit stop. So instead of putting it away in a safe spot, the delivery guy decided to put $1,300 in the wings box for safe keeping until he could go to the bank.

"I wrote a Facebook post and of course there's a long list of people arguing you should keep it, you shouldn't keep it, you should keep it, you shouldn't keep it" Vegas explains. "I wanted to keep it, believe me. But I can't, I can't do that."

Vegas ended up returning the cash, and for his good deed that Domino's general manager rewarded him with a year's worth of free pizza. I guess that's why they say no good deed goes unpunished.



Via ABC7 News

Ordering pizza has its downfalls: The Excruciating Process Of Ordering Pizza For A Group Of Friends

 

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Possibly Possessed Woman Tries To Bite Her Own Tongue Off

September 22, 2015, 4:16 am

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At first glance, we were like, "Wow. Here's a rather attractive Brazilian woman with some dope interpretive dance moves."

But then we read the video's title and realized it was quite the opposite. She and her male counterpart were apparently possessed by the devil, and the locals gathered to offer up some sick beats as a way to exorcise their demons.

And if that was really the case, then you'll see that the devil wasn't going down without a fight, as the dude tried on at least one occasion to snap his own neck while the young lady attempted to bite off her own tongue.


We'll take them for their word that these people were actually possessed, but we're also leaving the door open that it could later be revealed that this was actually a Brazilian PSA discouraging the use of bath salts.

We prefer stories like this one out of Brazil: Brazil's 'Miss Bumbum 2014' Contest Kicks Off Today

 

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Steve Harvey's 'Favorite Answer' On 'Family Feud' Is All About Sticking Fingers In Things

September 22, 2015, 4:27 am

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"Family Feud" enjoys prompting its contestants with questions that leave open the possibility of a ridiculous answer for the simple purpose of getting laughs and ratings. They've been doing it for years, but it hasn't been more prevalent than with Steve Harvey at its helm.

It's working. They shouldn't change what they are doing. Because nothing is more amusing than seeing Harvey's face of shock or disgust or utter hopelessness. The man can't deal with it. And with that said, here's Harvey's favorite answer ever:



"That's my boy" is what his mom decided to say in that very moment.

Talk about having real fears: This Guy On 'Family Feud' Hopes Nurses Aren't Saying How Little He Is Down There

 

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Witty Tinder Profiles That Instantly Got A Right Swipe

September 22, 2015, 5:16 am

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As long as Tinder is around there will be plenty of bios that won't follow the same rules, and that's totally OK with us because then we wouldn't be able to write stuff like this. The women below thought it would be more entertaining to have not only a witty bio, but a bio that will have hundreds of eager pervs swiping right until they get carpal tunnel.

Still dealing with that myself.





































Via Izismile

But very entertaining: These Tinder Profiles Prove That Some People Have Zero Boundaries

 

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Azealia Banks Has Meltdown On Plane, Uses Homophobic Slur

September 22, 2015, 5:21 am

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Azealia Banks, or Yung Rapunxel, as she is known to no one but herself, sure seems like a lovely girl, the type of girl you can take home to your mom. And she continues to show why she's that type of girl by how she acted on a Delta flight that was headed from New York to LAX.

Banks was apparently pissed that she couldn't get off the plane fast enough because she was blocked by a French couple that was trying to take their luggage out from the dreaded overhead bin. When the French guy put his hand up for Banks to stop, Banks lost it and began spitting and hitting him until a flight attendant came to calm things down.

The flight attendant took Banks' bag and attempted to calm her down before Banks dropped the f-word. Actually two of them -- and neither one was food.

Cops were called and Banks got away, but the cops caught up to her. No charges were pressed because the French couple were on vacation and didn't want the headache.

Don't worry, Azealia, we get it; we know you're hard. We just don't think Drake feels the same.


Via TMZ

He's a free dog: Crazy Lady Gets Kicked Off Flight After Refusing To Put Her Dog In Its Carrier

 

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The 10 Types Of Uber Drivers You'll Experience On Your Rides

September 22, 2015, 5:50 am

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We live in a wonderful time period where you don't even have to drive yourself around anymore if you don't want to. That honor used to be reserved for the rich and whoever it was that hired Mr. Belvedere, but now even the most basic of us can afford to be driven around like Miss Daisy. So what can you expect when you get into an Uber? Here are the ten types of drivers you'll probably encounter, if you haven't already.

1. The Chatter

If you think for a second that you're just going to sit quietly in the car while being transported to your destination, think again. The chatter is going to make sure there isn't a moment of silence as you two talk about everything from the weather to ... the weather. If you get a phone call and think that will stop him, think again. He'll interject into your conversation and, if you aren't careful, will jump on the phone to talk to your friend about the weather as well.

2. The Old-School Cab Driver

This guy is only doing Uber because he absolutely has to do Uber. If it were up to him, you'd still be in the back of his cab getting charged $370 as he slowly circled around your block over and over pretending he didn't know where he was going. Of course you can't tell him any of this because he's taking his 60th call via his Bluetooth headset. Who is he talking to and why is he always yelling at them? Are they his friends? What is happening?

3. The Entertainer

How do you know if your Uber driver works in the entertainment industry? Don't worry because they'll tell you almost immediately. The conversation will go something like this:

You: Hi, how are you?
Driver: I was in a Clorox commercial in 2009.

4. The Modern Columbus

I know there's an app that literally gives the driver step-by-step instructions on how to reach your destination, but this particular driver plays by his own rules. Unfortunately, that rule is to ignore the map and depend on you to verbally instruct him every step of the way. You'd better keep your eyes on the road because he's not going to do it for you. He'll also keep mumbling things like "stupid app" like he's a bad guy who just got unmasked on Scooby-Doo.

5. The Five-Star Seeker

This driver is great, but they want your approval so desperately it's almost like a really clingy first date. They'll have bottles of water and mints at your disposal, but the desperation is so thick you can almost see the stars in their eyes. You'd gladly give them five stars for their amazing service, but there's always that awkward moment when you go to get out of the car and they softly whisper, "Five stars, right?" You get the rating, but you don't get my love. Let's just forget this whole ordeal ever happened.

6. The Human Inferno

It's 175 degrees outside and this guy has decided to leave the air conditioner off and barely crack the windows. That means every time the car comes to a complete stop your skin starts melting off your bones as if you'd just looked directly at the Ark of the Covenant. I would pay extra to guarantee that the vehicle I'm about to enter has the air cranked so high that just opening the door would tear a hole in the ozone layer.

7. The Language Barrier

America is a big, wonderful melting pot, so encountering someone who speaks a different language than you isn't something negative or surprising, but it is amusing when a driver speaks a different language and still tries to do the typical Uber chitchat. One time I asked a driver if we could turn on the air and she replied, "Four months." I still don't know what she thought I asked or why she laughed after her answer.

8. Uber: Confessions

Conversations with drivers can take a sharp turn into uncomfortable when they begin to tell you all the details of every crazy passenger they've ever had. Then it turns into a reverse episode of "Taxicab Confessions," and by the end of the trip you know about every sexual encounter they've ever witnessed and explicit details of the nipples of the drunk lady that flashed him last week. Thanks, buddy.


9. The Networker

He has a business and, you might not believe this, but you can be an investor! He might ask what you do for a living, but it's only so he can take a breath deep enough to tell you every detail of his career ambitions in one single sentence without having to stop and chance you interrupting him. He's a DJ, consultant, farmer, actor, doctor, explorer, president, CEO, rapper, inventor and shark. He's a busy guy.

10. The Party Bro

Dubstep album: Check.
Unnecessary sunglasses: You know it.
Seat leaned back way too far for no reason: Yup.
Smells a little like weed: Oh, heck yeah.
You've just entered into the chill bro's car. Buckle up. Or don't. There are no rules in the party bro's car. Except have fun -- that's the one rule. So earlier, when I said there were no rules, I take that back. There is one, but it's a good one. Do you have any weed I could buy?

 

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