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This might be hard for you to hear right now, but *blows on a dog whistle*
- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 21, 2015
I don't know what a trap queen is but my neighborhood has a raccoon problem and I could use all the help I can get.
- Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 13, 2015
My dr asked if I'm careful about showering alone since I have low BP & I'm like well I wasn't but now I'm gonna use it as a pickup line.
- wine/trash baby (@1followernodad) October 15, 2015
Your sexy Halloween costume is "Adult Who Got Plenty of Attention as a Child, but That Still Wasn't Enough. It Will Never Be Enough".
- Mark Leggett (@markleggett) October 27, 2015
Lamar Odom has to be the first man in history to save his marriage by almost dying in a brothel
- ♡ Man Who Loves U ♡ (@SortaBad) October 21, 2015
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
- tara shoe (@tarashoe) November 11, 2014
8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid.
- Josh Hara (@yoyoha) October 24, 2015
I just buy bananas now to watch something slowly die for a week.
- Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 14, 2015
You're 42; you don't have a squad.
- $pencer (@13spencer) October 21, 2015
Songs with lyrics like, "We don't need sleep," why are you rebelling against naps? What are you--four?
- Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 28, 2014
1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! ... ... ... ... ... ... 2015: Taco Emoji!
- braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) October 22, 2015
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
- Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 7, 2015
if you love something, post a photo of it online. if it doesn't get at least 100 likes, set it free
- Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 14, 2015
Putting Trump quotes next to former presidents is my new favorite thing to do pic.twitter.com/NaQy2Yc7R5
- Ally Maynard (@missmayn) October 26, 2015
Norwegians use 'Texas' as slang for 'crazy' which makes sense because Texans use 'bless your heart' as slang for 'I'm planning your murder.'
- Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 21, 2015
For Halloween I'm dressing up as my potential and getting wasted.
- maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2014
If you're a woman over 30, you can get fired for not bringing a yogurt to work
- C. (@bossy_bootz) October 19, 2015
Haven't been to the gym in a couple months but I still got that muscle definition that the ladies love! pic.twitter.com/ctA26GpDRr
- AX KILLIN' MASH (@mynameisntdave) October 19, 2015
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
- Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
- Julian McCullough (@julezmac) October 24, 2015
Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.