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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.


Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.

 

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Freaky the Evil Snowman Delivers Near Heart Attacks To Newport, Rhode Island

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Haunted Snowman Scares Unsuspecting Victims
It's that time of year again. No, we aren't referring to Christmas (despite what premature Home Depot decoration displays would have you believe). We are of course talking about Halloween and, more specifically, Freaky the Evil Snowman. This not being Freaky's first rodeo, he was able to bring the scares rapid fire this time around, making this one of the funniest videos you'll see all day. Where's a blowtorch when you need one, huh?

Related: This Giant Spider Prank Is Cruel, But All In Good Fun

 

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The Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

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It has become quickly known that "Netflix and chill" doesn't exactly mean binge-watching nine seasons of a show with someone while going through the emotional ups and downs together, and then crying into each others arms like I originally thought. Instead, it's the perfect excuse to get a lot closer to your partner.

Unfortunately for the guy below, "Netflix and chill" didn't go according to plan and he used reaction pictures of Alfonso Ribeiro, also known as Carlton Banks, to showcase what occurred. He posted it all on his Twitter and it has gone viral for all the right reasons. Enjoy the heartbreaking/hilarious story:

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

Funny, Saddest Netflix And Chill Story Ever

#Tragedy

Via Tumblr

These folks get it: The Best 'Netflix And Chill' Memes

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The Best American Whiskey Bars From East To West

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In the search of the best whiskey bars in America, it seemed only appropriate to toss back a bit of the dark drink, piss my pants and stumble home to tell you all about it. Whether John, Jim or Jack is your best friend when it comes to the tasting of whiskey ryes and bourbon, let Mandatory be your new drinking buddy - perhaps your hero - as we set you down the path to the perfect whiskey bar no matter where you live. Let's pop the cap on this proverbial bottle and learn us some whiskey bars from east to west with a short pit stop in Bourbon Country along the way.

East

Char No. 4 (Brooklyn, New York)
best american whiskey bars, char no. 4 brooklyn
Southern-style cooking meets Bourbon Country-style drinking in this Brooklyn den. Herein you'll find some of the best pork recipes on their menu, as well as a sizable bourbon list to wet your palette in between succulent meat tastings. Located in the hippest area of New York, you're only a short distance from Brooklyn Brewery, a prime source of reliable northeastern beer. Char No. 4 is a common host to whiskey-related events and classes for your personal whiskey knowledge.

Husk (Charleston, SC)
best american whiskey bars, husk charleston
Another southern-style eatery along the East Coast is Husk, whose bar inside its Victorian-era halls is a whiskey-toting favorite. With a companion location in Nashville and having been voted Bon Appetit's "Best New Restaurant" of 2011, it would be hard to hate on this good old-fashioned whiskey bar with such a top notch, farm-fresh, southern-flavored restaurant on its heels. Mixing historic housing with modern class and a lot of great whiskey bourbon, Husk is a must.

Yardbird Southern Table & Bar (Miami, FL)
best american whiskey bars, yardbird southern table and bar miami
A sticky hot city with a go-to spot that features bourbon heavily in its menu? Believable? Perhaps. True? Absolutely! At least in the case of Miami's Yardbird. From bourbon flights to the craftiest of cocktails, it features food fresh from the garden or straight from the farm with dishes like Chicken 'n Watermelon 'n Waffles, in addition to its lengthy wall of dark-filled bottles. This Miami bar also has a sister location at the Las Vegas Venetian.

Whiskey Kitchen (Nashville, TN)
best american whiskey bars, whiskey kitchen nashville
We gave you the Patterson House as one of Nashville's go-to bars for a good craft cocktail, and now we're recommending Whiskey Kitchen, the second home of any Nashville whiskey or bourbon connoisseur with a foodie fetish. The Southern draw of their dishes paired with their plethora - hate that word, "plethora" - of bourbons, this place cooks up a good time for all whether you want a little food in your belly or a dry ride to tomorrow's hangover. Did we mention the plethora of good advice we have on avoiding a hangover, too? We should be doctors.

Bourbon Country (Next 2)

Haymarket Whiskey Bar (Louisville, KY)
best american whiskey bars, haymarket whiskey bar louisville
Getting away from restaurants and into unique dive bars where whiskey is served up like the Ohio River (which flows right by the town), this Louisville tavern has more than 400 whiskeys and bourbons. They also serve rare and private selections and rotating craft beer, along with hosting live music. That's a whiskey drinking must-have right there.

The Silver Dollar (Louisville, KY)
best american whiskey bars, the silver dollar louisville
This honky-tonk Bourbon Country bar stocks rye from local hard to find, small-time distilleries and serves them up full and cheap with their house chicken 'n' waffles. Do we need to even say more? Voted by GQ as one of the best whiskey bars in the country, The Silver Dollar will unleash your inner Johnny Cash with an extensive list of bourbons and loads of Southern-style food. GQ is never wrong. Ever.

West

Multnomah Whiskey Library (Portland, OR)
best american whiskey bars, multnomah whiskey library portland
We loved this place so much in our Best American Bars piece that we had to serve up this library of whiskey once more. A decadent treat from the indie city of Portland, Multnomah is a wealth of whiskey knowledge. Whether you're new to the game or a seasoned veteran (a.k.a. alcoholic), there's a taste for everyone. With library ladders and a wall of whiskey coupled with brick exposure and a vintage vibe, Portland boasts its whiskey library as the first thing worth studying in their small city on the rise.

Radiator Whiskey (Seattle, WA)
best american whiskey bars, radiator whiskey seattle
The upper northwest of America is littered with great whiskey spots, from San Francisco's Rickhouse to Seattle's Zig Zag Cafe. But Radiator Whiskey, known for its in-house barrel-aged whiskey and exclusive Flask Club, comes with all the whiskey-loving essentials. Between their homemade bitters - rhubarb bitters? Yes please! - and barrel-aged cocktails, this place is the perfect marriage of whiskey science and creative cooking in the realm of craft spirits.

Seven Grand (Los Angeles, CA)
best american whiskey bars, seven grand los angeles
Downtown L.A. is good for few things other than a hefty stash of whiskey and the occasional stabbing. But if you find yourself a few blocks up from Skid Row, you'll be in the comfort of many a moose head - mounted, we promise - some local live music and a vintage aesthetic that screams "take me back" or "don't make me go home." You can shoot some pool or shoot the shit over craft cocktails, or take your drink neat with any of the fine choices from the whiskey stash from thei international wall of whiskey.

Hard Water (San Francisco, CA)
best american whiskey bars, hard water san francisco
If you were hoping for a vodka tonic, take a hike! This beloved bourbon bar is only serving up the best dark drinks. With an award-winning chef who has a flair for Kentucky bourbon, Hard Water hosts private barrels of Buffalo Trace, Willet and other choice bourbons along with a single Kentucky whiskey and 200 additional bourbons. Did we mention the food's great?

 

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These Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Political Statement

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There are many wearable garments voters can model to express the passion they have for their country around election time. One body part, however, has been left out of this patriotic tradition, and it's a body part many men hold dear: their penises. You see, while one can throw a Make America Great Again cap on their heads in support of Donald Trump, our other head to the south has been left out of this American right. Well, not anymore.

Despite the elections being 12 months away, Paradise Marketing, America's top wholesaler of condoms, lubricants, and self-wellness products has created a top-of-the-line condom collection to let your johnson express its political support or cynicism for the 2016 presidential election. These aptly named "Political Condoms" come in red, white and blue designs with clever yet cheesy political slogans on the wrappers.

Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement

Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement

Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement

Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement

Before writing these babies off as some cheap spoof product, however, the condoms are made with premium latex and are as safe as any other condom on the market. But there is bad news. Unfortunately for possessors of long shlongs, these condoms are only available in standard size. But on the bright side, if your wiener's that big in the first place, you can always hang a flag from the thing and show your support in a much more significant way.

An assorted pack of a dozen Political Condoms retails for $11.39, which is quite affordable if you consider the potential benefits of a woman finding humor or arousal in your unique forms of contraception.

Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement

But these aren't the only unique condoms that have been released for reasons nobody really knows or understands. Take a look at some other novelty condoms that have been on the market and are just as unnecessary as they are hilarious:

Netflix And Chill Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
Since everybody knows this phrase by now, a condom making an appearance shouldn't come as a surprise.

Nightlight Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
A green, glowing penis is probably pretty hilarious when the lights are out.

My Face Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
Nothing will turn on a woman more than a man who loves himself this much.

Sarah Palin Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
The Lisa Ann interpretation would've been better.

Bacon Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
Giving new meaning to riding the bologna pony.

Kiss Kondoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
Because Gene Simmons loves to merchandise the shit out of everything.

Dick's Formal Wear Condoms
Funny, Political Condoms, These Political Condoms Let Your Penis Make A Statement
For special occasions.

 

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The Most Messed Up Things People Did After A Breakup

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Everyone has their own way of dealing with a tough breakup; some people move on quite easily, some people dwell on it for months, some eat the entire ice cream aisle, and others yell at any happy couple they see on the street (still can't believe I got arrested for that). Now, thanks to Whisper, people were able to share some of the most insane things they did after a breakup to deal with their sadness (or get revenge).

Check out some of the craziest post-breakup confessions below:

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

Lifestyle, Most Messed Up Things Done After A Breakup

More craziness: The Nastiest Breakup Stories Ever

 

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Guys Go Reverse Trick-Or-Treating For Hilarious Halloween Prank

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Halloween has come and gone and the diabetes is here to remind us what a great holiday it was. But while most people were handing out candy to eager trick-or-treaters, two guys decided to do things differently and instead hand out candy to doors they knocked on.

While Trent Toney doesn't have the massive amount of subscribers that some notable YouTube pranksters have, it's nice to see a prank that doesn't involve people being complete assholes to each other for a chuckle or two. Check out the video below:



I'm starting a petition that will allow people to bring food to my door, regardless of the holiday. That's a tradition anyone (especially me) can get behind.

This is how Halloween shouldn't be done: Here's A Bunch Of People Failing At Halloween Costumes And Pranks

 

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Watch This Giant Cyst Shoot Out Pus When It's Cut Open By A Surgeon (Warning: F***ing Gross)

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Here's one way to get your Monday going right.

Put your breakfast down now. And if you've already eaten, try your best to keep it down because the video below shows the horrifying moment a giant cyst is cut open from a guy's back. A lot of junk comes out of it, and if you're not shaking and rocking back and forth in a corner after viewing it, you are not human.

Check out the video below, but heads up: it will make you sick:


This was done by Dr. Solomon Brickman in Houston, Texas, but I would like to know why things like this happen and why do they exist.

We are awful human beings: Woman's 20-Year-Old Cyst Popped In Front Of Horrified Studio Audience

 

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English Guy Wakes Up After Bachelor Party With Pair Of Sunglasses Tattooed On His Face

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Well that's one way to never misplace your sunglasses again.

The man, in his fifties and from Swansea, who refuses to be identified even though he allowed his mug to be plastered all over the Internet, is claiming that after a long night of drinking during a bachelor party he woke up to find a pair of Ray-Bans tattooed on his face.


"Waking-up the morning after, I thought someone had used a permanent marker on my face," the lad recalls. "I had no memory of getting the tattoo because I had gone out celebrating and when it happened I was drunk."

"When I first came home, obviously I was subject to a lot of stares, but I kind of got used to the tattoo and decided not to get rid of it."

One would be able to tell the difference between a marker on your face and a fresh tattoo, as his face would be swollen and sore, so this guy's story seems a bit iffy.

The tattooed man had this tattoo for two years after he got "used to it," and only decided to remove it after someone made fun of him in a bar instead of behind his back like everyone else was doing.

"The next morning I really started to think about what my family and friends thought," he adds. "I didn't want them to be embarrassed when they were out with me, so I decided there and then I was going to get it removed."

It took six laser treatments to get rid of this man's mistake.

Sounds like this guy just got a stupid tattoo while he was drunk and fabricated the rest of the other details so people wouldn't think he's an idiot. But we still do.

Via Wales Online

These folks know the struggle: 30 Terrible Face Tattoos That Guarantee A Life Of Unemployment

 

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Horrible Parent Busted On Camera Stealing Halloween Candy

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Anytime people leave Halloween candy outside their door with a note you can always expect some little terrible kid to take more than they should, but you probably wouldn't expect a grown woman to do that because adults usually behave better than children. Usually.

Take a look at the greedy mom that decides to kill Halloween for everyone, even encouraging what looks like her own kid to join in the killing:



From the looks of it Miss Trunchbull should probably stay away from candy bars forever.

Take a look at people not being awful: Guys Go Reverse Trick-Or-Treating For Hilarious Halloween Prank

 

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Jerk Tries To Steal From Street Performer, Gets Kicked In The Face By Street Performer

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Usually when you see the "Gold Man" on the Venice Beach boardwalk or streets of New York City, he'll only move when you fill his tip jar with money.

Well, according to Gothamist, he'll also move when you try to steal money out of that tip jar. And by "move" we mean he'll kick you right in the face.

A video posted by Jason King (@kingspriteme1) on


You have to respect the size of this guy's stones. I mean, it takes a pair the size of watermelons to raise your hand in the air and ask for help up from the guy you just tried to steal from. Other than that, there's nothing else to respect in regards to this piece of shit.

You don't steal from street performers, and you apparently don't want to give the finger to monkeys in India: Young Tourist Flips Off Monkey, Gets Drop Kicked By Monkey

 

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Lindsey Pelas Dressed Up As The Hottest Cop Ever For Halloween

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While cops continue to make the news for mostly all the wrong reasons, Lindsey Pelas tried her best to make things a tad more positive by dressing up as one cop that you would have no problem at all pulling you over.

Lindsey posted pictures of her costume on Instagram, but you can take a look at her dressing up as the hottest cop ever right here below:

Protect and Surve 🚔

A photo posted by lindsey (@lindseypelas) on


I'll do the time cuz her love is timeless.🚔 #MrsOfficer

A photo posted by lindsey (@lindseypelas) on


Is that a dart gun in your pocket or you just happy to see me? 🔫

A photo posted by lindsey (@lindseypelas) on


Lindsey really knows how to celebrate: Have The Best Fourth Of July Ever With Model Lindsey Pelas

 

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Weird News: Nebraska Woman Breaks Into Zoo And Gets 'Severely Bitten' By Tiger

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A 33-year-old Nebraska woman thought it would be a good idea to sneak into Omaha's Henry Doorly Zoo early Sunday morning so she could pet a tiger.

It was not.

According to Huffington Post, it is believed that Jacqueline Eide suffered "severe trauma" to her hand after she reached into a cage housing an 18-year-old Malayan tiger and it bit her. The bite was so severe that Eide might lose parts of her fingers.

woman breaks into zoo bitten by tiger
A friend rushed Eide to a local hospital, where authorities said she was "aggressive toward staff and showed signs of intoxication." After a brief investigation, police decided to cite her for criminal trespass.

Not surprisingly, this wasn't Eide's first poor decision. She went to prison in 2011 after her third DUI, and she was arrested in Omaha twice this year. She has also been convicted of graffiti, disturbing the peace, obstruction of justice and shoplifting.

Our advice for Eide? Perhaps try the exact opposite next time. If the brain is telling you to break into a zoo and pet the tiger, perhaps a night of checkers and Hot Pockets with grandma should be in order. Hey, it worked for George Costanza.


This guy tried to trick a wild tiger. He shouldn't have: Dude Thinks He Can Trick A Wild Tiger On The Loose (He Can't)

 

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If Movie Posters Were Internet Headlines

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The Internet is the worst. Every time I go on Twitter or Facebook or Mandatory.com, I'm bombarded with totally sensational headlines trying to dupe me into clicking on something. As annoying as clickbait headlines are, they must be working, because everyone keeps doing it. So what if movie companies tried this tactic? Here's what it would look like if some of your favorite movie posters used Internet headlines instead of titles.

funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters
funny headlines, movie posters

 

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Here's A Great Way To Stop A Street Fight Unless It Doesn't Really Work (NSFW Language)

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The gang at TwinzTV decided it would be fun to pick fights with unsuspecting guys who were either walking down the street or minding their own business sitting on a picnic table. In one instance, one of the guys even went as far as whispering into a stranger's ear that his face reminds him of a "dirty hooker's p---y."

Of course, that would be enough to get any man off of his ass and into fight mode, and that's exactly what the crew was hoping for because the whole idea of the prank was to show that a set of monster boobs on an attractive girl would be enough to stop any fight.

And that was definitely the case. Well, until the last fight.



No word on who the poor bastard was who had to go back there and ask that guy to sign a waiver, but if that girl's rack didn't calm him down, we're not sure what would.

h/t BroBible

Hey, bro. Can you help me get my nuts out of my bike? This 'Nuts Stuck In A Bike Prank' Is Painfully Hilarious (NSFW Language)

 

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Uber Driver Pepper Sprays Drunk, Violent Passenger After Disturbing Attack

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All I can say is, 5 stars to this Uber driver.

In the video below, Uber driver Edward Caban has just picked up a man from Newport Beach, California. The man was noticeably drunk and would not provide Caban with good directions. Because the passenger kept falling asleep and was generally being difficult, Caban decided to pull into a well-lit store parking lot and end the ride. But before he did that, he turned his car's camera around so it would capture video of the incident (at the 2:00 mark). And it's a good thing he did, because things do not go well from there (Warning: graphic violence ahead):


Fortunately, Caban had his pepper spray handy under his leg because he was already uncomfortable with his passenger and had a feeling things were going to go badly. After he was brutally assaulted, he was able to maintain his composure and spray his attacker in the face before he exited his vehicle. And, thanks to his car's camera, he has evidence of the whole thing.

According to NBC News, police arrested the passenger/piece of garbage, whom they identified as 32-year-old Benjamin Golden. He was charged with public intoxication and assault, and has also been banned by Uber. Sadly, Caban says he no longer feels safe as an Uber driver and has quit. But at the very least, hopefully he has prevented further attacks on drivers who don't deserve to ever have to deal with guys like Golden.

More: Guy Uses His Dog To Win Road Rage Fight Before It Even Starts

 

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Looking To Lose Weight? Try An Exercise Program That Gets Results Fast

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While there are those weirdos out there who actually choose to get in shape for their own personal health and well-being, we can't imagine that a large majority aren't just in it for the girls. Fortunately, the following weight loss regimen gives you the results you need in reverse order. No need to get in shape first for several fine females to come knocking at your door (and topless, at that). Of course, there is a a slight catch, but when isn't there?

funny weight loss program, topless exercise regimen
sexy weight loss plan, funny weight loss program, topless exercise regimen
(via Izismile)

Since we bait-and-switched you like that, here's some real workout advice you can take to the bank: A 10-Minute, 10-Station Low-Impact Ab Workout

 

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Crazy Woman Punches Car And Spits On It In Road Rage Incident

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Everyone has been pissed off while driving, and that's the moment when we use our middle finger the way God intended us to. But then there are those people who want to make the situation a bigger deal by exiting their vehicle and acting like a total asshole.

Fortunately for the guy below, he was able to film the exact moment a crazy woman punches his car, spits on it and does something we still aren't sure of with her boobs.


She also has a lower back tattoo, which is pretty much all you need to know about this woman and how much she contributes to society.

Should have had one of these: Guy Uses His Dog To Win Road Rage Fight Before It Even Starts

 

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Ana Cheri Knows How To Get Our Blood Pumping

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Ana Cheri gives us a light stretch, bikini workout and sexy cooldown with her latest Playboy video promoting her Miss October spread. Laced up but barely covered up, she takes us into the Playboy Mansion's backyard to work up a sweat, get the blood pumping (ours, too) and rinse off in the shiny grotto waters with a quick post-workout dip. If there were a gym membership for this kind of training, you can bet we'd be there bright and early every morning.

 

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