Chick flicks follow an effective and commercially foolproof formula -- which is just great for those who profit from or enjoy those kinds of things. What's not okay, however, is when chick flicks parade around as movies geared toward male audiences, tricking us with crude jokes or action sequences in the trailers. When we pay $20 to sit in a crowded theatre (add to that another $20 for a bucket of soda coupled with an oil drum's worth of popcorn), we don't want to be fooled into watching something that hits nowhere close to what's expected or advertised. It's not that any of the movies I'm about to mention are bad, per se, it's that they were supposed to be movies for dudes, and that wasn't the case -- mostly. It's thievery at its core, and I'm about to call out the 10 biggest offenders.
Ted
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Ted was a good movie. It made us chuckle. But to say it wasn't a chick flick is misguided. The entire movie is about a relationship at an impasse. John (Mark Wahlberg) is weighing his friendship with Ted against his relationship with Lori (
Mila Kunis). Lori likes Ted, but believes he's keeping John from reaching his full potential.
**Spoiler alert** Ted, a teddy bear, dies at some point, and Lori miraculously brings him back to life after realizing he had more of an impact on her than she originally thought. The three then live happily ever after -- at least until the second film, when John moves onto Samantha, played by
Amanda Seyfried.
A Million Ways to Die in the West
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Seth MacFarlane has duped us again! In this film, Albert, a lowly sheep farmer (played rather poorly by MacFarlane himself), is dumped by his girlfriend, who shacks up with another man. With the assistance of a mysterious new woman in town named Anna (
Charlize Theron), Albert valiantly tries to get his ex back -- but, wouldn't you just know it, he falls in love with Anna instead! Too much love and not enough tomfoolery, MacFarlane.
Jerry Maguire
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A movie about sports from the perspective of a successful sports agent who has lost it all is the classic underdog tale every man loves. Reading the film's synopsis, it would seem that "Jerry Maguire" is the ultimate guy film. That is, until audiences are introduced to Renee Zellweger's mug and a script that inscribes panty-dropping poetry such as "You had me at hello" and "You complete me." Before long, the audience realizes that the initial sporty appeal was merely the backdrop to a tender love story between a Scientologist and a human lemon.
Anything by Judd Apatow
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Every film the man makes is an undercover chick flick designed to throw us off by featuring actors with dad-bods making off-the-cuff jokes about video games, drugs, booze and porn - things traditionally associated with "male humor." Want to know what happens in every one? The two main characters fall in love no matter how bizarre the circumstance ("Knocked Up", "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", "This Is 40" and so on). Throw in an M. Night Shyamalan twist every now and then, Apatow! You've taken enough of my money!
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
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A movie about filming a porno and the opportunity to see
Elizabeth Banks nude? Score! Unfortunately, audiences saw neither of those things. What we did see, however, was the whole damn porn production get derailed because two best friends who've lived together for years suddenly realize they're in love. No thanks, guys. I wanted boobs.
The Change-Up
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Using the tired moviemaking tradition of two opposites swapping bodies -- neither of which were Lindsay Lohan or Jamie Lee Curtis, thankfully -- a responsible father of three (Jason Bateman) switches bodies with his buddy, a man whore (Ryan Reynolds) after being struck by lightning as they pissed in a fountain. After sitting through a plot that was more emotional than it was funny, the lesson we learn when the whole charade is over is that love is more meaningful than sleeping with hundreds of gorgeous women. Seriously? Come on!
American Reunion
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"American Pie" was an honest and hilarious look at male pubescence through high school and "American Pie 2" was more of the same except the actors were slightly older. "American Wedding" doesn't even matter because nobody was in it, so I'm instead going to pick on "American Reunion." The movie essentially tells audiences that after getting married, men are douchebags who will want to bang the younger girl-next-door. Also, there was next to no
Shannon Elizabeth, or boobs for that matter, which is a crime in and of itself. However, they managed to please female audiences by showcasing Jason Biggs' wiener and reuniting Oz (Chris Klein) with Heather (
Mena Suvari), who we already assumed were together anyways.
Click
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"Click" was a total departure from all Adam Sandler films before it. The movie wasn't funny at all, and I'm not even sure if it was supposed to be. It was more like a Lifetime original presented by the Syfy network. Worst of all, it was schmaltzy as all hell by the end.
Van Wilder
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Van Wilder is a love story between a longtime party boy and a snarky journalist (
Tara Reid) who don't seem compatible at all. She has an Ivy League boyfriend who seems much more her type, but he's a total asshole. After being assigned to write an exposé on Wilder, the two fall in love, she helps him graduate and the party's over for Wilder. Reid's Gwen character manages to do the impossible: change the notorious bad boy and make him an upstanding citizen and wonderful boyfriend.
Zombieland
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A traditional "love at first sight" story with an nontraditional twist: flesh-eating zombies.
