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This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

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Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.


Want more? Check out last week's hilarious tweets.

 

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Ohio Man Says His Life Was Saved By His Craving For Hot Pockets

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Silly vegans.

According to the Akron Beacon Journal, a 38-year-old Akron man says the only reason he wasn't in his apartment that was recently destroyed when a plane crashed into it is because his stomach was telling him to stop at a Dollar General to pick up a pizza Hot Pocket for dinner and a breakfast Hot Pocket for the morning.

Ohio man says Hot Pockets saved his life

Jason Bartley had been in his apartment 39 minutes before a plane crashed into it Tuesday afternoon. He was on his computer looking for sweet deals for an end-of-the-year trip to Miami when he realized that it was going to take considerable time to find the right one.

Bartley said he hopped in his car to run some quick errands before settling in to book his trip. After stopping at the bank and local grocery store, Bartley said he looked down at the time on his car radio and noticed it was already 2:45 p.m.

Jason Bartley loves him some Hot Pockets

Why he didn't grab dinner at the grocery store is anybody's guess, but Hartley realized he needed some chow for supper and the next morning, so he stopped by the Dollar General to grab some Hot Pockets. Moments later, his apartment was destroyed by the fiery plane crash that tragically claimed the lives of all nine people onboard.

"Sometimes you get nauseous thinking about it," Bartley said. "It's still even hard to comprehend. Everybody feels lucky. But you never feel this lucky."

It's hard to love Hot Pockets more than this: Dude Has Sex With Hot Pocket

 

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Weird News: Chinese Woman Snaps Husband's Penis To Go Online Shopping

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Once again, the penis loses out to shopping.

According to the Daily Mail, a Chongqing woman accidentally snapped her husband's penis this week when she rolled off him during a sex session so she could do some online shopping on her phone.

Chinese Woman Snaps Husband's Penis To Go Online Shopping

The woman had set an alarm on her phone for midnight because it marked the beginning of China's biggest online shopping event known as "Singles Day." But as she rolled off of her husband to commence in an online shopping binge, she forgot about the single most important rule when it comes to boners: Don't break them.

But other than her husband crying out in a type of excruciating pain that we can't even - and frankly don't want to - imagine, the couple could find no obvious signs of damage, so the wife shopped while the husband went to bed.

In the morning, however, it was a different story, as his penis had become "purple and swollen." The couple rushed to a hospital, where doctors told them the man's penis had ruptured. Thankfully, he was able to undergo an operation, and his penis will be back to normal in no time.

Although, you have to think its ego will never be the same knowing that it lost out to really sweet deals on household appliances.

Here's another story that should kill any erection: Woman Sets Cheating Husband's Penis On Fire Because Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

 

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This Guy's Pooping Habit At Work Eventually Cost His Company $250,000

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Pooping at work is a lot like listening to 5 Seconds of Summer in that nobody really enjoys doing it.

But according to BroBible, a 27-year-old dude who admits that he's made some rather iffy life decisions that have put him in the current situation of being the "secretary for an entire office," recently told the Reddit community that his attempts at keeping the handicapped crapper at his office all to himself eventually cost his company $250,000.

dude's pooping habit at work cost his company $250,000

Here's how his embarrassing story played out:

"Now, I don't know about you guys, but nothing ruins my bathroom experience faster than sharing it with others. That won't do, and there are like 4 other bathrooms.

So I discovered that I can lock the stall door beside me from the outside, rendering it inaccessible to anyone without this expert toilet stall knowledge. This was my apple dropping on head moment. This discovery was every bit as major as gravity. I could now shit and be confident I wouldn't have to listen to somebody butt-trumpeting 24 inches away.

Things were good. For a time. There would be days where I would forget to unlock it. People would get annoyed, and they'd tell that guy who looks after this sort of thing to do something about it (guess who that guy is...)

After a summer of this, a rumor started. A rumour that the handicap stall was always broken. A rumor that was my fault, and literally my very job to share with important people. 'hey shoob88 you tell HO about that problem yet?'

So I gave it up. But it was too late.

Today a procession of designers and engineers entered our office to begin designs on the new dedicated handicap stall. Because ours was always broken. We had failed one too many building inspections because of my habit.

Each bathroom will cost $80,000 and each floor will be getting one. It's 100% my fault."


Tough break, bro. Although, if they turn this story into a movie, we could totally see this as Jonathan Taylor Thomas's comeback masterpiece.

Imagine if this is how humans pooped: Watch This A**hole Owl Poop On Another Owl

 

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12 Ways Girls Try To Be Sexy Yet Fail

Abigail Ratchford Gloriously Recreates Kim Kardashian's Paper Magazine Cover (NSFW)

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When it comes to Kim Kardashian's Internet breaking Paper Magazine cover, there have been many imitators. But no one has come close to giving the original a run for its money...until now. Abigail Ratchford is just about the sexiest model in the entire world as far as we're concerned, so it makes sense that while shooting an upcoming calendar recreating iconic photos, she managed to take exposing your derrière to new heights. You can see the uncensored post below.


Keep in mind, this is just a behind-the-scene image. The actual photo is still pending until Abigail's new calendar arrives. We don't think we're alone in saying that we can't wait, so to tide you over, here are a few more of her sexiest Instagram pics.








Related: Abigail Ratchford And Her Double D's Are Social Media Masters

 

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Former Leader Of Colombian Drug Cartel And Detective Posed Nude For Peace

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Hell yeah we'll give peace a chance.

According to the Daily Mail, an ex-leader of a Colombian drug cartel and the ex-detective who was hired to track her gang of enablers - both of whom are beyond smoking hot - decided to team up for one sexy-ass (literally) photo shoot in an effort to promote peace.

Ana Pacheco used to be one of the leaders of the FARC cartel, and Isabel Londoño used to be on her ass as a detective from Colombia's Security Department. Now? You guessed it: They're all over each other's naked asses on the latest cover of SoHo magazine to promote peace in their country:

ex cartel leader and ex cop get naked for peace

Thankfully, somebody put the rest of their photo shoot together in a short video. Grab your popcorn, fellas:



"It's been very important for my life, the image is about being at peace, and what's more beautiful than two women from the opposite sides doing it," Pacheco, who is now a model, told a local radio station.

And it's very important to us, Ana, that you keep "promoting peace" on a regular basis.

Not all female drug lords are sexy: The Most Notorious Female Drug Kingpins

 

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Here's The Harvard Band Spelling Out 'Penis' On The Football Field

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See, even the smart kids get a kick out of dick jokes.

According to SB Nation, the Harvard University Band performed in front of dozens of fans during halftime of Saturday's game against the visiting Penn Quakers. And maybe since there were so few people in the stands, they thought they could spell out "penis" on the field and get away with it.

They did not.


Harvard band spells out penis
No band members or instructors have addressed or apologized for the penis formation, leading some to believe that it was actually an honest mistake. But we think the smart kids tried to pull one over on the other smart kids and all of us dumb kids on the Internet caught them in the act.

Penn would get the last laugh though, as they blanked the Crimson in the second half and ended their 22-game winning streak in the process, which no doubt shriveled many penises on campus that night.

Hey, they do it in the pros, too: Watch This Spurs Announcer Draw A Penis On Your TV Screen

 

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Watch This Security Guard Eat It As He Tries To Stop One Of Many Fans Rushing The Field

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The Bulls of South Florida curb stomped the visiting Temple Owls Saturday night, which was surprising on so many fronts.

For starters, we didn't even know South Florida had a football program. Second, the Owls were unbeaten in conference play and had nearly knocked off Notre Dame just two weeks earlier.

So naturally after witnessing their beloved team win one of the biggest games in their program's history, the hometown fans were pretty damn excited, so much so that a bunch of them ran onto the field to celebrate with the team.

That apparently wasn't cool for one of the rent-a-cops the school hired for security, who despite the fact that hundreds of fans had already rushed the field, thought it was still necessary to go after one guy who wanted to join his pals at midfield for the party.

Thankfully, that's when karma kicked in:



If you know that guard and are still looking for something to get him for the holidays, might we suggest a treadmill or a brain.

h/t Deadspin

Here's another idiot: Watch This Jerk Cop Trip Students Celebrating State Title

 

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Today's Funny Photos

The 10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists In The World

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It was a stipulation that when compiling this roundup, these inked-up beauties must first be talented artists in order to make our super-exclusive list. What came next, of course, was if their appearances matched their artistry. After taking stock of the many gorgeous tattoo artists around the world, I managed to edit the list down to a top 10. So without further adieu, behold: the world's sexiest tattoo artists.

Cleo Wattenstrom
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Cleo Wattenstrom Instagram
About: When it comes to appearances, Wattenstrom's are virtually unmatched. The gorgeous tattooing nomad, to the surprise of nobody, makes a living as an international model in addition to tattooing. Specializing in realistic artworks (both black and white and color), Wattenstrom admits she fell into tattooing as a result of skipping school. Instead, she'd head to local tattoo shops, hang out with local artists, and tattoo those who'd let her. Eventually Wattenstrom discovered she had a knack for this kind of thing, and has travelled the world tattooing ever since.

Where: Everywhere (she's a "travelling tattooer")

Instagram: @cleowattenstrom


Sara Fabel
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Sara Fabel
About: Born in Finland, Fabel found fame when she decided to feature her artwork and modelling shots on social media websites like Tumblr and Facebook. These images understandably spread like wildfire, and she ultimately cultivated a very promising fanbase whom she would not disappoint. Though she has since retired from modelling professionally, there's no need to throw your fists through the wall, gentlemen. Her Instagram account remains sexy as Hell.

Where: California

Instagram: @sarafabel


Moni Marino
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Moni Marino Instagram
About: This badass got her very first tattoo by the only artist she could trust - herself. Despite not having a tattoo machine (which her father eventually gave her at 14) Marino tattooed an "M" on her wrist using a sewing needle, thread, and Pelikan ink. It's no surprise then that she is a self-taught artist, and only spent a few months under the guidance of a more experienced tattooer.

Where: Vienna, Austria

Instagram: @moni_marino_artist


Kinki Ryusaki
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Kinki Ryusaki Instagram
About: Despite the sultry name, Ryusaki is indisputably the cutest tattooer on the list. Thanks to her copious amounts of ink, she's confusingly sexy as well - like a Hello Kitty doll who drinks whiskey from within a paper bag. Ryusaki is proficient in many styles, but her specialty lies in cover-ups, an avenue that is extremely difficult to master.

Where: Kuala Lampur, Malaysia

Instagram: @kinkiryusaki


Megan Massacre
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Megan Massacre Instagram
About: As a TV personality for two TLC programs - "America's Worst Tattoos" and "NY Ink" - it would appear as though Massacre has replaced Kat Von D as the sexy, talented lady-tattooer with killer TV presence. As for her artwork, Massacre describes it as "Creepy yet cute; combining dark imagery with bold vibrant color to create a unique, whimsical style that is of no other." Which, coincidentally, is an effective way to describe her appearance as well.

Where: New York

Instagram: @megan_massacre


Mary Joy
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Mary Joy Instagram
About: An artist in it's truest form, Joy's mentor is none other than iconic traditional tattooer and purveyor of clothing for douchebags and strippers in their off-hours, Ed Hardy. In fact, she's been employed by Hardy at Tattoo City ever since she started tattooing in 2007, and specializes in traditional as well.

Where: California

Instagram: @maryjoytattoo


Kat Abdy
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Kat Abdy Instagram
About: Born in Australia, Abdy decided to make the move to the UK as a means of escaping Perth's competitive tattoo culture where she was discouraged to interact with "tattoo rivals." After traveling through Europe, Adby decided Cloak & Dagger was her shop du jour, as the staff was incredibly "open and accommodating," a concept Abdy hadn't witnessed before. Abdy's tattoo style is neo-traditional, using a lot of black as well as other, more earthy colors.

Where: London

Instagram: @katabdy


Little Linda
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Little Linda Instagram
About: Adopted at six months by non-traditional parents who encouraged her to travel the world before pursuing an education, Linda's travels brought her passion for tattooing to the forefront, where she's since built a stellar reputation as an illustration-style tattooer. Aside from tattooing, Linda loves to cook using local ingredients and hike, thus making her the sexiest hippy chick on the planet, probably.

Where: Texas

Instagram: @littlebabylinda


Rose Hardy
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Rose Hardy Instagram
About: Originally from New Zealand, Hardy now resides in New York, tattooing clients in her traditional style with a unique decorative edge. She draws inspiration from old photos - pre-1920s - and got her start in tattooing thanks to a trusting friend who asked his artist if she could contribute to some of his back piece. This artist was Adam Craft, who let her, and eventually became her mentor.

Where: New York

Instagram: @rosehardy


Tatu Baby
10 Sexiest Tattoo Artists in the World, Sexiest Tattoo Artists, Tatu Baby Instagram
About: Does this gal look familiar? That's probably because Baby was a competitor on not one, but two seasons of Spike TV's "Ink Master". Baby was fortunate enough to compete twice because in a plot twist tossed into the finale during the show's first season, where she placed in the final four, viewers voted Baby back to redeem herself the next season as an ode to her talents, sex appeal, and, well, her derriere. Baby's specialty is in black and gray and photo-realism, though her appearance on "Ink Master" proves she's a Jill of all trades.

Where: Florida

Instagram: @tatubaby

 

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15 People Living With (Hilariously) Unfortunate Burdens

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We all have our problems. But the next time you complain about yours, remember there's a lawyer in Philadelphia named Justin M. Bieber. It could always be worse.

This man ejaculates 100 times a day.
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This man is named Taylor Swift.
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This woman's real estate career was forever tainted by one mistake.
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Jesus Condom
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This girl will never live this down.
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This woman is addicted to her urine.
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The people of Dildo, Canada.
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This man pulled a drunken MacGyver that will haunt him for life.
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This guy works as a lawyer in Philadelphia.
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"I love serving My Dung."
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This man has a 19-inch penis, and it's made his life "miserable."
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This girl can only eat Tic Tacs.
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This man reminds everyone of a serial killer.
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Even worse, this man reminds everyone of a Bill Cosby.
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It's a toss-up whether this guy actually finds his tattoos burdensome or not.
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10 Athletes Who Played Through Gruesome Injuries

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What separates a truly great athlete from the pack? Some say it's endurance -- the ability to get out on the field and play no matter what happens, which breeds a true champion. Here are some grueling, and downright gnarly, examples of athletes who took insanely painful hits yet kept on coming. Measure yourself against these bad-asses and see if you've got what it takes to play through the pain.

Ronnie Lott
Gruesome sports injuries
You're going to see quite a few football stories on this list, especially when you have massive men slamming into each other at breakneck speed; injuries are just par for the course. But few were as grisly as Ronnie Lott's broken finger from a game against the Cowboys in 1985. Lott charged into Timmy Newsome and the pair went down hard, shattering his pinky finger so badly that bone fragments were visible on the field. The very next week, the unstoppable safety was back on the field, his mangled hand simply taped up for play. After the season ended, Lott was given the choice of a painful surgery that would take bone from his wrist or a simple amputation of the top of the finger. He chose the amputation because it meant he could get back to football faster.

Terry Butcher
Gruesome sports injuries
Scrapes and cuts aren't unusual in soccer, where you can't use your hands to deflect a ball coming your way. However, during a 1990 World Cup qualifying match against Sweden, one of England's most vital defenders Terry Butcher suffered a ghastly cut to his head in the first few minutes. He stepped to the sidelines to let the team's doctor quickly stitch it up and was back on the pitch soon after. But a large number of high balls could only be repelled by Butcher's head, swiftly re-opening the wound and causing gobs of blood to gush over his face and jersey. It wasn't life-threatening, but by the end of the game Butcher looked like his namesake and England held Sweden to a 0-0 tie.

Chris Simms
Gruesome sports injuries
Bones are a body's best friend, protecting delicate internal organs from serious harm. But, when you're getting sacked with the force of an NFL defender, bones sometimes just don't cut it. In 2006, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Chris Simms took a nasty hit from the Panthers' defensive line in the second quarter and actually left the game for a few minutes because of the pain. He came back in the fourth quarter to lead his team to a score advantage, but that would turn out to be a bad idea -- the impact had ruptured his spleen. He was rushed to a hospital just in time, but lost five pints of blood during surgery and nearly died.

Shun Fujimoto
Gruesome sports injuries
The Olympic Games are the biggest show on Earth for many athletes, so it's no surprise competitive adrenaline kicks into overdrive. One of the most insane on-field injuries in Olympic history occurred in 1976, when Japanese men's gymnast Shun Fujimoto tripped during opening floor exercises, landing awkwardly. He had shattered his right kneecap, but Japan -- which had dominated men's gymnastics in the last two Games -- needed him to perform, so even with his crippling injury Fujimoto went on to compete in the pommel horse and rings, the latter of which he finished with a twisting double somersault, landing on his feet. Japan took the gold once more, in no small part due to his perseverance. (Photo Credit: Quora.com)

Jack Youngblood
Gruesome sports injuries
If you're on the football field, you need your legs to be working, and Los Angeles Rams defensive end Jack Youngblood's broken leg wouldn't stop that. Widely regarded as one of the toughest players of the 1970s, Youngblood became a legend during the 1979 playoffs, which he took the field for in every game with a fractured left fibula. It didn't slow him down much, as the Rams went all the way to the Super Bowl that year. Youngblood would go on to play in the 1980 Pro Bowl before taking some time off to get it fixed.

Niki Lauda
Gruesome sports injuries
If you're a Formula 1 driver and you crash, you're probably not going to get back on the track anytime soon. That is, unless you're Niki Lauda. The Ferrari driver had qualms about the state of the course for the 1976 German Grand Prix, and those worries came true when his car swerved off the track and rebounded into oncoming vehicles. Lauda was trapped inside his blazing vehicle and suffered brutal facial burns as well as internal injuries. Six weeks later, despite not passing mental health clearance, he was back behind the wheel at the Italian Grand Prix, his face covered in blood-soaked bandages. Lauda amazingly placed fourth in that race and continued driving until 1985.

Kerri Strug
Gruesome sports injuries
Gymnastics might seem like a bunch of flippity-doo, but the women who compete at the Olympic level are human dynamos, capable of exploding off of a jump with incredible force. In 1996, American gymnast Kerri Strug was the team's linchpin for the Games, but during her first run at the vault things went wrong. When she landed, she heard something snap in her foot and lost all sensation in her leg. Coach Bela Karolyi told her to just get through one more run, which she landed for a 9.712, and the U.S. team won their first Olympic championships. After the medal ceremony, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors found two torn ligaments in her ankle -- it was a miracle she could even walk, let alone pull off a leap of that difficulty.

Curt Schilling
Gruesome sports injuries
Before he was a failed video game producer and Twitter crank, Curt Schilling was one of the gutsiest pitchers the Red Sox has ever seen. He made the team's name literal during the 2005 American League championships, when the Sox faced off against lifetime rivals the New York Yankees. Schilling had been fighting off an ankle injury for some time, but the team needed him on the mound. So before the sixth game, the pitcher had emergency surgery to sew a tendon back in place in his foot. The result: Schilling played in a blood-soaked sock, and even though he was battered and bruised he only let one run through in seven glorious innings, taking the Sox to the World Series where they'd beat the Cardinals and dispel the curse.

Tiger Woods
Gruesome sports injuries
Yes, Tiger has pissed away most of his legacy in the intervening years, but few doubted the insane guts taken by Woods winning the 2008 U.S. Open on a broken leg. Two months before the tournament started, Tiger got surgery on the leg to fix an ACL tear. Unfortunately for him, he worked too hard in rehab and ended up fracturing his leg bone in two places. Instead of pulling out, Woods grit his teeth and took to the course, tying Rocco Mediate and forcing an 18-hole playoff, which he would go on to win.

Bert Trautmann
Gruesome sports injuries, bert trautmann injury
The Brits take their soccer very seriously, and during the 1956 FA cup final proved it. Manchester City goalie Bert Trautmann braced himself for impact when Birmingham drove at his goal, but the collision with striker Peter Murphy took both men down to the pitch. Trautmann fell to his knees and gripped his head for a moment, then shook it off and resumed his spot in the goal, playing out the entire game (which Manchester City took, 3-1). Only after he left the field, the true nature of his injury came to the fore: Trautmann had broken three vertebrae in his neck in the impact. He was named FWA Footballer of the Year that season.

Photos courtesy of Getty Images

 

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Miley Cyrus Goes Completely Naked For Candy Magazine

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Here's something to wake you up this Monday: Miley Cyrus naked.

While plenty of controversy has surrounded photographer Terry Richardson, that hasn't stopped him from continuing his beloved hobby of taking naked pictures of people, and Miley Cyrus was next on his agenda.

ladies love a good ol marine @terryrichardson

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


Richardson shot numerous pictures of Miley for the newest issue of Candy magazine, and some of them are quite in your face, including Miley's...upstairs....and downstairs.

Take a look at some of the S(ish)FW pictures we can post here, with some NSFW links that will take you to the full nudes thanks to NY Magazine:

Girls, Miley Cyrus Naked, Miley Cyrus Naked For Terry Richardson

Girls, Miley Cyrus Naked, Miley Cyrus Naked For Terry Richardson

Girls, Miley Cyrus Naked, Miley Cyrus Naked For Terry Richardson

And for those eager to see Miley in all her glory, head over to this extremely, and we are serious, very NSFW link thanks to NY Magazine.

Via NY Magazine

Everyone needs a hobby: Miley Cyrus Aggressively Shows Her Boobs...Again

 

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People Are Tattooing Their Eyeballs For Some Reason

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Looks like the days of hiding a tiny tattoo on your wrist or your ankle from your folks may be long gone. Now people are making sure you can't miss their tattoo by putting it on the one area you won't miss: their eyeballs.

People all over the world are following the trend of permanently tattooing their sclera, which is the white area around the iris. If an eyelash in your eyeball makes you want to rip your eye out, just imagine what a tattoo would feel like. Some medical professionals are calling eyeball tattoos "experimental, extreme and potentially carcinogenic."


This bizarre new trend seemed to have been popularized by US-born body modification expert and tattoo artist Luna Cobra. Cobra has tattooed over 100 eyeballs worldwide, and got the idea after seeing a photoshopped picture of his friend's eyes.

"I think it's just becoming a trend among people that just want to be super-extreme, Cobra states."But the worry is that they are just getting anyone to do it - or doing it themselves - and a lot of people have been hurt, gone blind or lost eyes from this - although I want to stress that hasn't happened to any of my clients."

So that means it's bound to happen. Damn, Cobra. Damn you and your great name.

Take a look at some pictures on Luna Cobra's Instagram of folks who have tattooed their eyeballs:







Via News.Au

Or you can just be a bird: English Man Has Ears Cut Off To Look Like His Pet Parrot

 

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Meet The Hot Owner Of Bikini Beans Espresso

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I can't say that I'm a huge coffee drinker, but any cafe that is called Bikini Beans Espresso is a business that I would like to attend. It's how my interest for car washes peaks when the word "bikini" is put in front of car wash. I am just an eager, disgusting customer.

Carlie Jo is the owner of Bikini Beans Espresso in Kent, Washington, and if the name of her coffee shop doesn't grab your attention, her Instagram probably will, because if there is one way to put your business on the map it's by posting half-naked pictures of yourself.

Happy Friday eve 😍😍

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


Take a look at some of the best pictures from Carlie Jo's Instagram:

#bikinibarista #bikinibeansespressokent

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


Happy Monday 💛💛💛 #bikinibarista #bikinibeansespressokent

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


Meow #bikinibarista #bikinibeansespressokent #thebikinigirl

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


#bikinibarista #bikinibeansespressokent

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


#tgif #twopicfriday #bikinibarista #bikinibeanespressokent

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


#seahawks 💚💙💚💙

A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


A photo posted by Carlie Jo 💜 (@carliej0) on


Via Bro Bible

Hot sisters may grab your attention, too: These Hot Romanian Sisters Have Caught The Internet's Attention With Their Instagram

 

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Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan

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Sports are everything, so in order to keep up with all the highs and lows that come with sports, you're going to have to join the madness even if you don't know the first thing about them. If you're going to hitch a ride on the old bandwagon, you're going to have to go all in.

Follow the steps below in order to be the perfect bandwagon fan and impress all the friends you pretend to like:

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 1: Accept the fact that no one gives a shit about Men's Water Polo and start following a sport people care about.

Step 2: Look up some popular sports teams from your area (not your ultimate Frisbee team).

Step 3: Call your dad and insult him for never teaching you about sports or bonding with you.

Step 4: Try not to cry when he reminds you that you were only interested in board games and films starring Gene Wilder.

Step 5: Tell him to find someone else to pay for his nursing home bills, and then finally hone in on a sports team in your area that is in first place.

Step 6: Buy that team's most popular player's jersey, but quickly return it when you realize you're a grown-up and going with a t-shirt is the better move.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 7: Learn the name of at least one other player on that team. For every superstar there's a player no one cares about. Learn his name. That would impress people.

Step 8: Wear your new digs everywhere you go. Make sure to point at people wearing your team's stuff, too. Say something like, "This is the year."

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 9: Attempt to buy the best seats in the house in order to see your new favorite team in person.

Step 10: Remember that you're poor and decide instead to go to a local bar to taunt fans of the opposing team.

Step 11: Realize you'd rather not get hit in the face and decide to let your obnoxious digs do the talking instead.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 12: Learn a phrase that you can repeat at the bar that is similar to "Let's go team!" Replace "team" with the name of the team you're now following.

Step 13: Chant your new phrase at the bar. Feel like the leader of a cult when other fans join in on the chant. Remember to make a note of this to tell your therapist that this counts as making friends.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 14: Use the commercial breaks to look up fun facts about your team just in case you have to square off with that guy in the opposing team's digs who keeps staring you down.

Step 15: Memorize impressive facts like how many games your team won 24 years ago and who holds the record for doing something about something in the year of something.

Step 16: Realize that the guy staring you down is actually the bartender you've failed to tip all night.

Step 17: Act like it's the end of the world when your team begins to lose. Either sulk with other grown men or start yelling random, angry things at the TV. This shows other people that you've invested a lot in this team or that you have a serious anger problem that was ignored by your loved ones.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 18: Start yelling "I told you!" to no one in particular when your team retakes the lead. Begin that glorious chant once again.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 19: Notice a guy wearing face paint in your team's colors is getting more attention. Hate yourself for not thinking of putting face paint on. Curse your neighborhood for not having a Lowe's nearby.

Step 20: Exit the bar after your team's victory. Be sure to avoid parking lot brawls. Yell "World Star!" as you run away from the chaos.

Step 21: Keep tabs on your team by what's trending on Twitter.

Step 22: Attempt to burn your new digs after they go on a losing streak. Realize that it is not as easy as people make it seem. Bury them instead as part of a ritual.

Step 23: Tell everyone who cares to listen that you would be able to do a better job on the field.

Sport, Funny, Steps To Being The Perfect Bandwagon Fan
Step 24: Learn through a Vine that your team just made the playoffs and are back to their winning ways. Dig up all your clothes and hope the gods you sacrificed them to aren't upset.

Step 25: Convince everyone that you were there for the team through thick and thin. Keep your shovel handy, though, for the next time your team starts losing.

 

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A Genius Made A Portrait Of Donald Trump Using 500 Dick Pics

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Sometimes you are exactly what people say you are, and Donald Trump may have learned that in the most hilarious way because a portrait of him has been made using 500 dick pics. Now that's productivity.

Take a look at the glorious masterpiece below:

Funny, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Portrait Made Out Of Dicks

It's time art made a comeback.

If you want to see the individual dicks that make up the dickface, or if you just want to see if yours is one of the bunch, head over to this Tumblr here (NSFW, because you know, dicks).

Via Distractify

Hey, looks like he truly is a dickhead: A Day In The Life Of Donald Trump

 

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There's A Website That Will Dump Your Partner For You For $10

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If you want to avoid seeing a grown-up sob in front of you, you may want to use the services of a website that is claiming that they will break up with your partner for you, because you know, you might as well own your asshole-ness.

Two not-so-polite Canadians have gone ahead and created The Breakup Shop, a website that will "handle the messy work of the breakup" for you. And all you need is $10.

Sex and Dating, New Website Will Dump Your Partner For $10
If you think that paying $10 to have a website text your partner a breakup message is too much of an asshole move, then you can pay $29 for a phone call or $30 for a custom letter, and hopefully you'll sleep soundly while your ex sets your car on fire. The phone call only lasts one minute because talking on the phone is obsolete and anything longer would be unacceptable.

The Breakup Shop can also send your recently dumped partner a "Breakup Gift Pack" for $80. This pack includes "The Notebook" on Blu-ray (or "Call of Duty"), a Netflix gift card, and even a box of chocolate chips cookies.

Or you can save your money and break up with them in person so that you don't become a Facebook post that goes viral about what a shitbag you are.

Via NY Post

Here's a quick way to get over your ex: Meet Mixxxer, The Sex App We All Knew Was Coming

 

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15 '90s Television Characters And How Old They'd Be Right Now

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Want to feel old? Hopefully you do, since nothing shines a bright spotlight on how old you're getting like realizing T.V. heroes you loved such as Clarissa Darling and Johnny Bravo are technically in their Thirties by now. If you were a child in the '90s, brace yourself, because these are the ages of some of TV's most beloved sitcom characters, like, right now. I can assure you, after this you'll realize just how much time flies.

Clarissa Darling
90s TV Characters Ages Today, Clarissa Darling age
Currently: 38
When "Clarissa Explains It All" began, Clarissa was 14. Now she's teetering on 40, surely much wiser, which means Clarissa can probably explain even more. Finances, parenting, general wisdom - you name it, Clarissa can likely clue you in on it, now in a motherly fashion.

Kevin Arnold
90s TV Characters Ages Today, Kevin Arnold age
Currently: 59
You gotta remember that "The Wonder Years" took place in the late 60s/early 70s, and Kevin was born March 18, 1956, which means he's knocking on 60's door. While Kevin and Winnie Cooper didn't wind up together when the series ended, one can only hope that somehow they found each other and are living the latter part of their lives together.

Doug
90s TV Characters Ages Today, Doug Funnie age
Currently: 29
While the Mr. Funnie we all knew and loved from Nickelodeon's classic cartoon series "Doug" was 11, he's about to reach dirty 30. The guy was balding and had no more than eight strands of hair on his head back in the day, but hopefully whatever he lacks in luscious locks is made up for in personal accomplishments. The guy had a crazy imagination and loved writing in his journal, so I reckon he'd be somewhere in between struggling blogger and super successful author of a teen trilogy.

Baby Sinclair
90s TV Characters Ages Today, Baby Sinclair age, Dinosaurs
Currently: 25
The youngest character on "Dinosaurs", Baby Sinclair would now be old enough to rent a car. However, it's worth noting that this series had a dark, depressing, soul-crushing ending that indeed made it appear the entire family died long before Baby Sinclair had the opportunity to reach his terrible twos.

Baloo
90s TV Characters Ages Today, baloo age, talespin
Currently: 60
One must wonder if Baloo, who was 35 at the time of "TaleSpin", is still capable of being a pilot. Surely the vision is going, or he's needing more frequent bathroom breaks, and sooner than later, his days of flying will come to an end.

Ash Ketchum
90s TV Characters Ages Today, ash ketchum age, pokemon
Currently: 28
The determined-to-catch-all-of-the-"Pokémon" Ash was 10 when we first saw him, which would have him in his late 20s right now. Is he still catching Pokémon? Did he get a real job? Has he found a wife and started a family? If I had to guess, I'd say that's a yes, and two hard nos.

Dexter
90s TV Characters Ages Today, Dexter age, dexter's laboratory
Currently: 27
He was a mere eight years old on "Dexter's Laboratory", but now he's a 27-year-old man who I'd imagine spends just as much, if not more of his time in that lab. In all likelihood this guy is heavily involved in Reddit and doesn't' get out much, which doesn't seem likely to change no matter how much he ages.

Johnny Bravo
90s TV Characters Ages Today, johnny Bravo age
Currently: 37
Wow. "Johnny Bravo" series' namesake protagonist was a 19-year-old bro when we knew him, and now he's a grown ass man who is pushing 40. There's no way that type of personality changes significantly, so I'm willing to bet he's equally, if not more thirsty and pesky towards the ladies than he ever was.

Tommy Pickles
90s TV Characters Ages Today, tommy pickles age
Currently: 25
The baby of "Rugrats" is now in his mid-20s, and based on the smarts and leadership he showed as a baby, there's no way he wouldn't be a success now. Tommy always had that future CEO vibe to him, and as long as Angelica didn't absolutely annihilate his confidence throughout the years, he'd be crushing it in real life.

Will Smith
90s TV Characters Ages Today, will smith age, fresh prince of bel-air
Currently: 42
On "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", Will's birthday is July 3, 1973, meaning he's 42 right now. Just to help you grasp the time that's passed, the Uncle Phil character was 45 when the show began, and would be 70 years old now.

The Powerpuff Girls
90s TV Characters Ages Today, the powderpuff girls age
Currently: 22
Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup were youthful five-year-olds when we first met them on "The Powerpuff Girls", but now they'd be in their early 20s, in the prime of their bar + club nightlife years.

T.J. Henderson
90s TV Characters Ages Today, tj henderson, smart guy, age
Currently: 28
"Smart Guy" sitcom's 10-year-old whiz kid T.J. Henderson is a full-grown man. It's safe to assume that he would've accomplished all of the things by now, and a five-minute conversation with him would have you wanting to update your resume and LinkedIn account.

Rachel Green
90s TV Characters Ages Today, rachel green age, friends
Currently: 44
"Friends" ensemble hottie Rachel was born May 5, 1971, which puts her in that mid-40s area and one can't help but wonder if her and Ross would've remained together this far. Is mid-40s Rachel satisfied with Ross? Is she miserable and on the brink of leaving him for Joey? We can only speculate some things, but Rachel Green being 44 as heck is not one of them.

Yakko
90s TV Characters Ages Today, yakko, animaniacs age
Currently: 36
Yakko's behavior in "Animaniacs" was juvenile as a 14-year-old, so one can only hope he's matured in his 30s because that shtick would just come off awkward and creepy at this point.

Eric Forman
90s TV Characters Ages Today, eric forman, that 70s show
Currently: 55
According to "That '70s Show", Eric was born March 18, 1960, meaning he's currently in his mid-50s, hopefully 20-plus years deep into marriage with Donna Pinciotti.

More '90s Nostalgia: '90s Sitcom Theme Songs Rewritten to Fit Modern Times

 

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