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The Guy Who Tracked His Masturbation Habits Is Back With His Six-Month Numbers

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The last time we heard from Karl Ryker, he was busy tracking his masturbation habits over a three-month period and sharing the results with the Imgur community through a series of charts and graphs.

Well, it looks as though Ryker found nothing better to do with his free time in the three months that followed, as he continued to punch his clown to "solo" and "gangbang" videos at an alarming rate and record the results.

Here are some of Ryker's more fascinating totals from his 184-day jerk-off-a-thon:

*On either Halloween or the day after, it looks as though Ryker masturbated for three hours. Sure, it wasn't three hours straight, but three hours is three hours, man.

*His longest session was 80 minutes, which he said was a new record.

*At one point during the 184-day crankfest, Ryker pleasured himself thrice a day for eight consecutive days, which is something he'll probably regret when he's diagnosed with arthritis before the age of 30.

And here are the rest of his numbers:

Karl Ryker's six-month masturbation totals
Amazing stuff, Karl. I'm sure everybody at Jergens says thanks.

h/t Some Cards

The art of tossing one off has really come a long way: The Evolution Of Masturbation

 

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Ireland Baldwin Shows You What Breakfast Food She Likes In The Hottest Way

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Sure, it's hard to imagine Alec Baldwin not always looking miserable, and I don't see how any sane person can stand him, but somehow Alec got Kim Basinger to shack up with him 20 years ago and now Ireland Baldwin exists and we are all OK with that.

We really don't know what "Show me them waffles" means, but no one cares because she can caption her sexy bathroom selfies in which she is wearing nothing but a t-shirt however she wants:

show me them waffles

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


Waffles sound great.

Let's take a look at some more hot pictures of Ireland thanks to her Instagram because she will always be our favorite Baldwin. Sorry, Daniel.

watch as Houdini Baldwin attempts to defy science and slip into a size 000 🍑

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


@jillstuart and @stuartweitzman 🍧🍭🍰

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


a kiss on the hand may be quite continental... 💎

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


90's Britney inspiration 💗💐🎶🎒

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


caramel by Connan Mockasin was playing in the background

A photo posted by Ireland Basinger-Baldwin (@ireland.basinger.baldwin) on


So this is what happens at the gym? Four Sexy Words: Ireland Baldwin Butt Selfie

 

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Kid's Christmas List Asks Santa For 'Grand Theft Auto V' Without The Hookers

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Kid, that's like ordering a Mountain Dew without the caffeine. I mean, what's the point then?

According to Huffington Post, one Irish boy's Christmas list has gone viral, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he asked Santa for a cardboard tard.

By the looks of things, Rory Smith is quite the Dr. Who and Legos enthusiast, and why not? I mean, if they're making "Back to the Future" Legos now, then I have no shame in purchasing a set or two for myself even though I'm just a few years shy of 40.

And like most kids, Smith loves video games. That's why he asked the fat man at the North Pole for "Grand Theft Auto V" this year. And to show Santa that he really is a good boy, he let him know that he just wants to "play with the cars (not the hookers)."

Kid asks Santa for Grand Theft Auto V without hookers
Rory's mother Cathy said her son has Asperger's, but in their house, it's something that is celebrated rather than viewed in a negative sense.

"As you can see from the letter, Rory is a huge 'Dr. Who' fan," she said. "He has Asperger's and this is his favorite thing. He is very literal, hence the 'hooker' line but also has a brilliant sense of humor. He knows he has Asperger's (and dyslexia) and was fine about his sister Olivia sending the email (photo)."

Let's hope Santa fulfills this kid's wish and brings him the video game minus the hookers. And hey, if need be, he can always send them to us.

Kids write the darnedest things: This Little Girl Said She Couldn't Answer A Math Question Because Of Girl Code

 

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Say This Guy's Name The Next Time Your Mom Asks You To Do Your Chores

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We promise it will not backfire.

This is something that really shouldn't make us laugh because we are supposed to be grownups who pay taxes and vote and say "excuse me" when we sneeze, but I'm sorry, this guy's name is something that we will never forget. Take a look at his passport and say his name out loud slowly in front of your coworkers.

Funny, This Guy Has The Perfect Name, Hilarious Name On Passport
That's right -- this guy's name matches up perfectly with his "I don't put up with anyone's shit" look that he showcases.

Kudos, Bich, kudos.

Via Imgur

Screw adulthood: A Gallery Of Horribly Unfortunate Names

 

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Horrible Study Suggests The Happiest Couples Have Sex Just Once A Week

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What's better than having sex once? You guessed it: Having it twice, three times and so on.

But according to the Daily Mail, a new study suggests that the happiest couples are having sex just once a week, and that sounds almost as disturbing as overhearing your sister say that she slept with Charlie Sheen.

happy married couple
Extremely patient researchers surveyed 30,000 people over 40 years and found that happiness levels increased in couples who had sex once a week. But those who were bumping uglies more than that? Not so much.

"Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week," one Canadian researcher said. "Our findings suggest that it is important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don't need to have sex everyday as long as you're maintaining that connection."

Two other studies in the U.S. pretty much came to the same conclusion, and that's just awful.

These guys seem pretty happy getting oral sex at football games: Redskins Fan Receives Oral Sex In Public While Watching The Game

 

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The Voluptuous Alexandra Daddario Will Star In New 'Baywatch' Film

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alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting
There is perfect casting, and then there is this wonderful piece of news. Alexandra Daddario, the up-and-coming actress you've no doubt taken notice of in films like "San Andreas" and the HBO original series "True Detective," will play the lead role of Summer in the upcoming film adaptation of "Baywatch." She will be joined by her "San Andreas" co-star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Zac Efron. Director Seth Gordon has also teased "big casting announcements coming soon," so we can only imagine more sexy starlets are on the way.

After The Rock congratulated Alexandra on her recent casting via his Instagram page, she took to Twitter to thank him for his kindness while also getting us even more excited for her upcoming film:
Since "Baywatch" currently doesn't have a premiere date, you'll need something to tide you over (pun intended). Here are a few of Alexandra's sexiest photos to fill the void.

alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting

alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting

alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting

alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting
As for that slow-mo Alexandra has apparently been working on, we think she's got it down.

alexandra daddario, alexandra daddario baywatch casting
Related: Alexandra Daddario's Boobs Are Out of This World

 

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Today's Funny Photos

TV Shows That Killed Off Main Characters Way Earlier Than Expected

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After logging in enough time with your favorite shows, how do the writers repay you when they kill off their main characters early? They just love to twist the knife, usually killing off one of the beloved characters and leaving us with the Skylar Whites of the TV world. Our favorite is when the show "Valerie" killed off Valerie. Love that. Have a look at TV shows that killed off some of their main characters early, but be forewarned -- Massive spoilers ahead!

Jimmy Darmody on "Boardwalk Empire"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
The HBO crime drama dropped one of its lead characters, played by Michael Pitt, in the early seasons to many people's surprise. While the Prohibition-placed series only went on for five seasons, fans still didn't see the early death coming for young Darmody in the season two finale when he was gunned down in the rain. Luckily, they still had Steve Buscemi left to run the show.

Zoe Barnes on "House of Cards"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
The young, blossoming reporter with a bit of sass and a big secret of Frank Underwood's was expected to be one of the series' leading characters, that was, until Underwood pushed her into an oncoming train in early season two. Don't worry though, as we're sure her death will be what brings the president down.

Shane Walsh on "The Walking Dead"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
The battle between Rick and Shane, the two leading men of "The Walking Dead" the first two seasons, was a heavy conflict of the show. Their push and pull as to how the group should be led, along with their shared love interest for Rick's wife - Lori also died fairly early - made for great arguments and the occasional scuffle as survivors tried to pick sides. Eventually they had to come to blows and a leader would be chosen. Apparently there can be only one Highlander. See what we have in store for the fates of the "The Walking Dead" characters.

Charlie Pace on "Lost"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
Fan were "lost" when J.J. Abrams killed off one of the most lovable characters, sweet Charlie. The washed-up rocker who had cried wolf a few too many times with the group was one of the few to board the ship that would get everyone off the island. Instead he drowned while learning some hard truths. Turns out, it was "not Penny's boat."

Nicholas Brody on "Homeland"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
Everyone expected Brody to die early on, but when he didn't we thought he might actually have a shot at surviving with Carrie. Any man who can be accused to consorting with terrorists, even be considered one himself, and live through that, despite his family (including his hot wife, played by Morena Baccarin) hating him, could make it out alive. Turns out he couldn't, and season four found Brody in a noose too tight to get himself out of, even for Carrie.

Eddard Stark on "Game Of Thrones"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
Despite having a show mostly about death and sex and thrones, fans were overwhelmed by the beheading of Ned Stark early in the HBO series, the first season, in fact. The show also lost main characters like Joffrey, who ordered up Ned's death, by way of poisoning, along with Renly Baratheon in the early seasons, demonstrating that its writers have no fear in cutting out characters at any point along the path of the TV adaptation. But don't be surprised to see some flashbacks involving these characters in the duration of the show.

Marissa Cooper on "The O.C."
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
No one understood how the Fox teen drama could kill off their leading hot girl, but since the show covered so much territory during high school - bankruptcy, deaths, cage fighting - it found itself ending after only four seasons. The character of Marissa Cooper, played by Mischa Barton, was always destined for early demise, and it was lead character, Ryan Atwood, who kept saving her from certain death until he couldn't anymore. Though it makes sense in retrospect, it also makes sense that the show couldn't survive more than one shortened season without their hottest draw.

Rita Morgan on "Dexter"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
In the peak of the Showtime killer, just before this terrific show went terrible started to flop, the show guest starred John Lithgow who played a marvelous psychopath and ultimately taught the leading man, Dexter Morgan, about the greatest loss of all. The death was a catalyst for launching our lovable serial killer into a murderous rampage, but in hindsight we can see that Rita's final - also gruesome - scene was also the death of the show. The series would go on for four more awful seasons before the biggest series finale letdown of all time.

Charlie Harper on "Two and a Half Men"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
This story needs no introduction, as Charlie Sheen's wig out some years back lead to his own character's demise. Sheen became the talk of the town, that was, if the town could get a word in between all his rambling incoherence. Sheen was written off the show with the old 'pushed in front of an oncoming subway' scene. So that's where "House of Cards" picked that up!

Derek Shepherd on "Grey's Anatomy"
Entertainment, TV, TV Shows That Killed Their Main Characters Early
The fatal car crash of Dr. Derek caused a major fallout for fans of the ABC drama in the spring of its eleventh season, as most of us are huge fans of Patrick Dempsey. In addition to the removal of Dr. Shepherd, the show also killed off Lexie Grey a few years earlier, also to many fans' shock. Now in its twelfth season, the Ellen Pompeo-led show has begun something of a reboot, which a lot of folks are not on board with. You should never have hurt Patrick Dempsey. Never!

 

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The Weekly Mandatory Meme Contest Winners: Deer Me!

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Yesterday we asked you to use our meme generator to create some hilarious memes to unleash on the Internet. There were a lot of entries, but we managed to narrow it down to these fine and deserving winners. Congratulations, you truly understand what the Internet is all about. And to those of you who lost ... oh well, there's always next week!

Note: since next week is Thanksgiving, you will actually have an extra week to create a new hilarious meme for our next contest right here. Winners will be announced on December 3.

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: paul s

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Gavin Skeen

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Brad

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: jANINE

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Lindsay

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Yoni

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Michele

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: Brodwyn

weekly meme contest, meme contest winners, deer me
Submitted by: philip c

 

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16 Reasons You Should Be Watching HGTV

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I'm a big fan of HGTV. It's television that actually teaches you something useful. Not only do you learn how to make repairs to your own place, saving you thousands and thousands of dollars, but many of the hosts are beautiful women. So you get to learn a skill AND see stunning women teaching it. If you're not watching HGTV yet, here are 16 reasons why you should start ASAP.

16. Nicole Curtis, the host of "Rehab Addict." Be still my heart!
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

15. Danielle Bryk from "A Bryk at a Time." What a beautiful young lady.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

14. Joanna Gaines, the little cutie pie from "Fixer Upper."
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

13. I saw an episode where they put a door in the floor and decided to try it myself.

12. The results turned out really well!
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

11. It's so sturdy you can stand on it with no problems whatsoever.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

10. OH GOD NO!
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

9. It collapsed. I fell through the floor. I may be seriously hurt.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

8. I'm gonna try to crawl out.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

7. The collapse caused the one opening to close in. I can't get out of here.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

6. My leg is bleeding so much and there's nothing I can do. There's no cell service down here. Is this how my life is going to end?
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

5. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. Friendships that ended, relationships that never were, apologies I never made. I don't know which pain is worse.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

4. If anyone finds this, please tell my parents I'm sorry and I love them. Everything is going dark.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

3. I just wish there were someone here with me in this moment. To know that your life is over and not having someone to at least hold your hand as you cross over is heartbreaking. I've never felt so much pain and so much sadness.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

2. Honestly it doesn't even hurt anymore. I feel warm. I feel sleepy. This is the end, but I've accepted it. I've made peace. I'm just going to close my eyes and drift away. Farewell, world. Farewell.
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

1. Alison Victoria from "Kitchen Crashers!" Hubba hubba!
why you should watch HGTV, rob fee HGTV gone wrong

 

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This 10-Year-Old's Letter To The Troops Explicitly States Exactly How He Feels About ISIS

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While recent awful events occurring in Paris and other parts of the world have everyone on edge, the ten-year-old in this story decided to put his thoughts into a letter that was shipped off to all the men and women trying to keep us safe.

He may be ten years old, but this kid already knows a bunch of assholes when he sees one. Take a look at the letter below:

Funny, Kid's Letter To The Trip Includes The Best Advice

Funny, Kid's Letter To The Trip Includes The Best Advice

Indeed.

Via Daily Dot

Only difference is Drake has a conscience: Everyone Thinks This ISIS Member Looks Like Drake

 

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Everything You Need To Know About Thanksgiving

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It's November and it's time to prepare yourself to be lowered head-first into a 55-gallon drum of delicious turkey gravy, just like how all real Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. Before you do that, however, you might be interested in the uniquely weird ways this holiday came to be, from the myths surrounding the Pilgrims' "first" Thanksgiving to international Thanksgiving traditions from Japan to Canada.

MYTH: THE TRYPTOPHAN IN TURKEY MAKES YOU SLEEPY
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Tryptophan in its pure, uncut form does indeed help the brain to go to sleep. Tryptophan surrounded by hot delicious turkey juices, however, has no actual effect on the brain; the claim that it did was actually part of a publicity campaign by a coalition of mattress manufacturers in the '80s. So what makes you so drowsy after Thanksgiving dinner? It might have something to do with gorging on ten meals' worth of food and booze and then having to watch the Detroit Lions play terrible football.

FACT: A 'TURKEY SHOOT' ACTUALLY USED TO BE PRETTY HARD
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Turkeys are notoriously difficult to hunt, so it's odd that the phrase "turkey shoot" has become slang for something almost ridiculously easy. As it turns out, a turkey shoot wasn't a mano-a-birdo contest of stalking and hiding skills, but a 19th-century tradition where farm-raised turkeys were tied to logs with only their neck and head showing and Thanksgivers were challenged to decapitate the fowl with a single shot. That's easy with modern guns, but with a smoothbore musket, crude iron sights, and a marksman who was almost certainly drunk, initial turkey shoots could be tricky propositions.

MYTH: THE PILGRIMS INVITED THE NATIVES TO THE FIRST THANKSGIVING
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Ever end up at a party just by walking by and noticing lots of loud music and drunk people? That's sort of how Native Americans ended up at New England's first Thanksgiving, with the added element of "what the hell are those crazy assholes shooting at?" The Wampanoag had a loose treaty with the first settlers-defined by one Native historian as "you watch our back and we'll watch yours"-and the gunfire and chaos of the English harvest feast drew Wampanoags worried that the settlement was under attack. As it turned out, it was just a case of white people acting the fool, and the Natives were welcomed with beer, pie, and the occasional condescending religious sermon.

FACT: THE SPANIARDS TOTALLY DID
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
The REAL first Thanksgiving actually took place September 8, 1565, in what is now St. Augustine in Florida, held by the forces of Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles, and combined the common European tradition of giving thanks at the end of harvest season and a special giving of thanks for allowing them to survive an insanely dangerous sea voyage. Menendez invited the local Timucua tribe to partake in the feast, and the Natives not only agreed but brought along venison and native specialties like tortillas and refried beans. This marked the beginning of Latin American cuisine and also one of the few times the Spanish ever did anything to Native Americans that wasn't horrible.

MYTH: EVERYONE AT (NEW ENGLAND) THANKSGIVING DRESSED LIKE A HUGE DORK
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
The persistent image of the first non-Spanish Thanksgiving is sober Pilgrims in black buckled hats and shoes breaking bread with noble Natives in loincloths and headdresses. This is dumb for many reasons: one, buckles were expensive luxury goods not generally available to desperate religious fanatics who had just crossed an ocean. Two, the all-black Protestant Reformer look was long out of style by the time the English were settled in America-they were wearing comfortable, colorful clothes just like most other Europeans. Three, no Native American in history has ever been dumb enough to wander around New England in late autumn just wearing a breechcloth-like all sensible people they were bundled up in buckskin jackets and long shirts.

FACT: THANKSGIVING OFFICIALLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF THE CIVIL WAR
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Abolitionist, novelist, editor, and "Mary Had A Little Lamb" creator Sarah Josepha Hale spent 17 years trying to make Thanksgiving an official nation-wide holiday rather than a randomly chosen evening for New Englanders to pig out on turkey and cornbread. Four different presidents chose to ignore the crazy poet lady and her insistence on standardized turkey consumption, but a letter to Abe Lincoln in September of 1863 hit a nerve: Hale, who had always believed in a unified and strong America, argued that a new national celebration could help bring the North and South together after the war. Lincoln agreed, and a nationwide date for Thanksgiving (originally the last Thursday in November) was set at the end of Reconstruction in 1870.

MYTH: ONLY AMERICA CELEBRATES THANKSGIVING
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
In fact, most cultures have a fall harvest celebration of various degrees of religiosity often known as a day of giving thanks, but America isn't the only one to officially call it Thanksgiving. Canadian Thanksgiving occurs on the second Monday of October and supposedly descends from a mass held by Martin Frobisher in 1578, which leads many smug Canadians to declare it "the real first Thanksgiving" because they too have forgotten about the Spaniards in St. Augustine. Canadian Thanksgiving is almost identical to American Thanksgiving, right down to the Canadian Football League's Thanksgiving Day Classic (which the Detroit Lions also lose, in this case because they're not invited to play in it). The sole significant difference is the setting of an additional seat at each table for Wayne Gretzky and that by Canadian law all drunken arguments between family members must be concluded with the word "sorey."

FACT: THANKSGIVING WAS MOVED TO BOOST THE ECONOMY
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Fans of our horribly broken two-party system might like to know that the date Thanksgiving was celebrated was once a political issue. In 1939, the last Thursday of November was the 30th, and retailers were worried about not having enough time for Christmas sales. Franklin D. Roosevelt (or as he is often known, "F-Dawg") declared the second-to-last Thursday to be the new Thanksgiving, and about half the nation agreed (Democrats), about half sneered at the so-called "Franksgiving" (Republicans), and a minority celebrated both Thanksgivings (people who love turkey). Congress eventually declared the fourth Thursday of November Thanksgiving, which was sometimes last and sometimes second-last. This was settled in October 1941, giving everyone lots of time to settle down and not worry about getting involved in a gigantic war.

MYTH: KFC IS PART OF THE JAPANESE THANKSGIVING TRADITION
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
No, you're actually thinking of Japanese Christmas or "Kurisamasu," which is at least ten times weirder than Japanese Thanksgiving and does indeed involve the venerated Colonel Sanders, or "Uncle Kentucky" as he is often known in Japan. Japanese Thanksgiving is officially Labor Thanksgiving Day, and combines the ancient harvest festival of Niiname-sai with a day of recognition for all Japanese laborers, particularly public servants like police and garbage collectors. The modern tradition was started in 1948 to establish the new civil and labor rights guaranteed by the post-war Japanese constitution, and Labor Thanksgiving Day meals typically include rice, pickled vegetables, rice, pickled meats, rice, pickled rice, and probably still stopping by KFC for a Famous Bowl.

FACT: EVERYONE GETS CRUNK ON THANKSGIVING EVE
Everything You Wanted To Know About Thanksgiving
Some call it Drunksgiving, some call it Blackout Wednesday, some can't even form coherent words, but everyone agrees that the night before Thanksgiving is the night to hit up your local and drown your brain in booze. Bars across America know "Thanksgiving Eve" can be one of the most profitable nights of the year, rivaling St. Paddy's and Labor Day: almost everyone has tomorrow off, lots of people are in their hometown looking to relive old memories, and no matter how bad your hangover is going to be you can count on huge amounts of food to cushion the blow.

 

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The Funniest GIFs Of The Week

Our Happy Hour Last Night In L.A. Was Awesome (And You Should Come To The Next One)

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mandatory la happy hour, busby's mandatory happy hour

We had our second Mandatory happy hour event last night (the first one was in NYC last month) at Busby's West in Santa Monica, and it was fantastic. Thank you to everyone who showed up and had a good time with us. For those who missed out, though, here is a quick recap:

THERE WAS AN OPEN BAR:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory


THERE WAS PING PONG:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's mandatory happy hour

mandatory la happy hour, busby's mandatory happy hour


THERE WAS BEER PONG:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory

mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory


THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD FEELS:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory

mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory

mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory

mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory


THERE WERE PRIZES:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory
The lovely Noelle won the first prize of the night -- a fine bottle of Dobel tequila that came in a mini guitar case.

mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory
But Everett (@rad_milk) was our big winner of the evening, as not only did he win a 16 oz. bottle of lube, but also...


THERE WAS AN UNVEILING OF A NEW T-SHIRT:
mandatory la happy hour, busby's happy hour mandatory
He won the very first Mandatory Mana-tee. That's right, it's a t-shirt with a manatee all over it. We had two made up (a medium and a large), so I popped on the other one for modeling purposes. We hope to bring these to the market in 2016 so you all can have your very own.

Once again, a big thank you to all of our fans who came to meet us and support us. We love you all. Keep an eye on our Facebook page for the next Mandatory happy hour announcement. We're not sure where it will be yet, but it will also be amazing.

 

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10 Dogs That Got Their Beds Hijacked By Cats

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Dogs don't ask for much; food, water, daily trips outside, and some love is usually about it. And oh, they also prefer not to live with a little asshole that's going to sleep in their bed because they told you getting a cat would be a bad idea, but no, you had to go ahead and be caring and loving and take in another pet, and now they have to deal with it.

Anyways, here are ten pissed off dogs that have had enough of cats claiming their bed as their own.

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny

Dogs Getting Their Beds Hijacked By Cats, Funny
Via Tumblr

This is a solution: These Pics Of Dogs Sitting On Cats Are Way More Enjoyable Than They Should Be

 

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GoPro Video Of A Woman's Flawless Ass Riding A Motorcycle Is Exactly What It Sounds Like

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Why try and fluff up the truth? If you are a fan of nice butts jiggling around at breakneck speeds, this is the video you should be watching. We don't know what else there is to say. It's literally a 1:46 video of a woman's ass bouncing around on a motorcycle as she cruises the neighborhood. Sure, we could mention that it's probably NSFW unless you're a rap video producer, but that kinda goes without saying after everything we already wrote. Anyways, we've enjoyed talking to ourselves since there's no chance in hell you read a word of this since the headline. She picks a wedgie at about the minute mark if you're into that kinda thing. That about covers it. (via WorldStarHipHop)

Related: 10 Things 'Idiocracy' Predicted Would Happen, and Sadly Already Have (you'll see why when you get to the last one)

 

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This Woman Will Have Sex With You If You Take Her To The Harry Potter Theme Park

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So, what do you get if you buy her a season pass?

According to Elite Daily, a huge Harry Potter fan jumped on Craigslist recently in hopes of finding a fine gentleman to take her to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Florida.

What is she willing to do in exchange for hotel, food, entry fee and other travel costs? You guessed it: Have sex with you in the morning and again at night.

woman says she'll have sex with any guy who takes her to Harry Potter World
The woman assured her potential suitors she's "not a slut," but she knows what guys want and has a knockout body, so that's why she's offering it up in exchange for a trip to a theme park. She also offered up a few pics to prove she wasn't lying about the goods:

woman offers sex in exchange for trip to Harry Potter theme park

woman offers sex in exchange for trip to Harry Potter theme park

woman offers sex in exchange for trip to Harry Potter theme park

woman offers sex in exchange for trip to Harry Potter theme park
Let's be honest: The S-L-Y-T couldn't have been more perfectly placed on this girl.

The good news for guys looking to take her up on her promise of sexual favors is that it doesn't look like you're going to need to drop a ton of cash on food for her. The bad news is that two two-day park-to-park tickets are going to set you back roughly $400, and two nights at a decent nearby hotel will cost you another $250.

That's a lot of scratch, fellas, so if you're that hard up for some loving, your best bet might be to take 40 bucks down to Thee DollHouse and see what you can get for that instead.

It doesn't get much better than a Craigslist missed connection: Unfortunate But Hilarious Missed Connections On Craigslist

 

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Weird News: Texas Man Allegedly Assaulted His Girlfriend Because She Wouldn't Smell His Armpit

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There are better ways to check if you forgot to put on deodorant, dude.

According to WIBW, a Midland man was arrested last week after his girlfriend told police he hit her in the back of her head and held a knife to her stomach after she...wait for it...refused to smell his armpit.

Texas man assaults girlfriend because she won't smell his armpit
Robinson Pinilla-Bolivar's girlfriend said she was doing dishes the night of November 5 when he asked her to take a whiff of his pit. She declined, and that's when she said Pinilla-Bolivar lost his mind. She was able to escape and ran to her apartment building's office.

A worker said Pinilla-Bolivar then tried to drag her out of the office, but he bolted once he was informed that police were on the way. Police eventually caught up with him last Friday during a traffic stop and hauled him off to jail.

The good news for PInilla-Bolivar is that he should have no problem finding somebody to smell his armpit there.

This Texas man wanted a horse to do more than smell his pits: Man Arrested After Trying To Have Sex With Horse...For A Third Time

 

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Experts Say Holding In Your Poop Can Be Fatal

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Looks like it might be time to bite the bullet and start taking dumps at work, guys.

According to Mirror, experts are saying that repeatedly refraining from dropping a deuce despite the fact that you really have to go can lead to a "dysfunction in the muscle used for pooing," and in extreme cases, it can even result in death.

Holding in your poop can be fatal
Some people who hold in their poops can develop an "impacted bowel," which is basically just a huge rock of shit that gets lodged in your rectum. Of course, this would lead to chronic constipation and perhaps death.

Some experts say that delaying a crap sesh even once is bad because it "allows stools to build up."

Our advice? If you have to poop, then poop. Even if there are hot girls at work who share the same stalls, drop away. Based on our experience, what they're dropping is going to be ten times as foul.

And if you need help, just make a run to your local Taco Bell.

Can't poop? Try eating this stuff: Foods That Make You Poop

 

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Victoria's Secret Model Wants People To Stop Telling Her She's Too Skinny

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"Can we STOP with the skinny shaming please?"

Victoria's Secret model Bridget Malcolm is fed up with strangers being overly critical of her slim physique on social media and has decided to take a stand through her Instagram.

The 23-year-old Australian model wrote an emotional caption alongside a selfie of her slender body posing in a red sports bra, exposing her fit torso with black tights.


"I am extremely fit and healthy and am not in the slightest way anorexic," Malcolm says.

Curves have become a new norm of sorts in pop culture with celebs flaunting bigger butts and fuller waistlines such as rappers Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea, along with the "Queen of the Selfie" Kim Kardashian, who are all social media mainstays -- leading those who praise fuller bodies to turn up their noses at skinnier women. Fashion retailer Lane Bryant even went so far as to create an "I'm No Angel" campaign which showcases plus-size models who go against the ultra-slim, thin and chiseled Victoria's Secret "Angels" aesthetic.

"I may not be the curviest," she adds, "but I am a woman who has every right to look the way I do."

Last month fellow Australian model Natasha Oakley, from A Bikini A Day, faced criticism over a paparazzi shot of her in a bikini with cellulite.

The 24-year-old told her 1.4 million followers she is "very happy, healthy and proud of my body".

Here's more snaps from the Victoria Secret model's "Angel"-like Instagram:


Related: Australian Instagram Stars Posts New, Honest Captions Before Quitting Social Media Forever

 

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