Book Adaptations Hitting The Big Screen In 2016

January 18, 2016, 5:00 am

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After a big year for books to the big screen in 2015, we get a whole new bulk load of words jumping from the page to the theater in 2016's big list of book adaptations. Come on, we can't be the only ones excited about "The Little Prince," can we?

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (In theaters now)

Michael Bay's latest direction features the true accounts of 9/11 (in 2012) by Mitchell Zuckoff in Libya brought explosively to the big screen. The story follows a group of six members of the Annex Security Team who defend their U.S. base in Benghazi from Islamic attacks. John Krasinski, a now ripped Jim Halpert, leads the way. Zuckoff's book and its adaptation help bring out the "inside account of what really happened in Benghazi."


Pride & Prejudice & Zombies (February 5)

A literary satire of Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice" by Seth Grahame-Smith is now something for us to gawk at, mixing 19th century's popular social class love conflict with modern day's popular zombie apocalypse. We really have fallen to idiocy. At least this comes with Lily James and Lena Headey.


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (March 4)

A single, expendable reporter (played by Tina Fey) is sent overseas to cover war times in Pakistan and Afghanistan, getting her away from her boring life and relationship out into the real world for some gun shooting, ethnic love and wild white woman fun. Margot Robbie joins in as an unnecessary but completely sexy addition. The film is based on the 2014 debut novel by David Shafer.


The Little Prince (March 18)

Set for a limited release, the director "Kung-Fu Panda" takes on artistically invigorating one of the most timeless children's books in history, written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry about a pilot who lands in the Sahara and comes upon a boy who claims to be an extraterrestrial prince. James Franco, Marion Cotillard, Rachel McAdams and more voice the film.
"Allegiant," the final film of the "Divergent" series comes out the same day. We just don't care about it as much as we do our "little prince."


The Jungle Book (April 16)

The storybook adaptation that's been pushed on its release several times is upon us. Directed by Jon Favreau with the likes of Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, Idris Elba and Christopher Walken manning the voiceovers, the story of Mowgli, they raised by wolves comes to live action this spring, mixed with a bit of impressive CGI of course. Seriously, that's a perfect cast of voiceovers. Who doesn't want to hear Bill do Baloo?


Alice Through the Looking Glass (May 27)

Didn't get bored enough with Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" back in 2010? Good, there's more to that book, as Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter suit up with painted faces and get back into their places for another magical journey for director James Bobin. Alice Anne Hathaway travels back in time to save the Mad Hatter (Depp) in this much darker, yet still very Disney fantasy sequel.


The BFG (July 1)

In this Steven Spielberg-directed Disney dream adventure, "BFG" stands for Big Friendly Giant, who, with the help of little girl, Ruby, and the Queen, stops an invasion of man-eating giants. The film is based off the independent reader genre scribe, Roald Dahl, starring Bill Hader, Rebecca Hall and Mark Rylance.


The Girl on the Train (October 7)

Paula Hawkin's 2015 novel, albeit a boring title, stars Emily Blunt (yes, Emily Blunt!) in a psycho-thriller about a girl on a train who comes upon the "perfect" couple, only to get entangled in their web of mystery and murder. Also, Rebecca Ferguson! You know, one of the few actors who do their own stunts.


Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (October 21)

Tom Cruise is back as Jack with his hard-hitting bad ass ways in the action sequel of the year. Jack returns to his headquarters to discover he's the suspect of a homicide. The film follows the first film in 2012, its book written by Lee Childs.


Inferno (October 28)

Tom Hanks reprises his role as Professor Robert Langdon in the sequel to "Angels & Demons" from 2009. In this Dan Brown book adaptation, the Harvard teacher investigates a mystery that he believes to be linked to Dante's Inferno. The film is directed by Ron Howard, written by David Koepp, adapted from Dan Brown, co-starring Felicity Jones and scores by Hans Zimmer. Dun-duh!

Related: Top 10 TV And Move Graphic Novel Adaptations Of All Time

 

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The Biggest Flops In Music History

January 18, 2016, 5:50 am

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If you ask musicians, they'll tell you a pretty dire story about the future of their industry. Gone are the days when even mid-level artists could make a living wage off of their tunes; replaced by a digital environment that squeezes every last penny. But this isn't a new event — since the dawn of music, record companies have been betting big on stars with expensive production and marketing budgets. In this feature, we'll spotlight ten records that had everything they needed to succeed...except good music.

Meat Loaf, "Dead Ringer"

One of the most unlikely rock 'n' roll success stories of the 1970s was "Bat Out of Hell," the sophomore album from Marvin Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf. Featuring bombastic production and ridiculously complex arrangements from writer Jim Steinman, it's possibly the ultimate dad rock album, having sold 43 million copies around the world. So expectations were high for Loaf's 1981 follow-up,

"Dead Ringer." Unfortunately, the Loafster didn't live up to them. The record's choogle style was painfully out of date in the early '80s and it sold a measly fraction of its predecessor, pissing off record label execs to no end.

Kreayshawn, "Somethin' 'Bout Kreay"

One lesson that record companies are learning the hard way in the 21st century is that viral video success doesn't necessarily lead to big sales. Rapper Kreayshawn had an enormous YouTube hit in 2011 with "Gucci Gucci," which picked up over 3 million views in just a few weeks and brought "basic" into the white girl lexicon worldwide. She was signed by Columbia Records and 2012 saw her first album, "Somethin' 'Bout Kreay," drop. The record was given plenty of promotion and featured Diplo, 2 Chainz and Kid Cudi, but nobody wanted to actually pay money for it — it sold a measly 2,900 copies its first week. In January 2014, Kreayshawn tweeted a royalty statement of one penny for her cut of sales. Ouch.

Van Halen, "III"

The replacement of David Lee Roth to create the abomination we call "Van Hagar" was bad enough, but when Sammy left the band, too, things got really bad. The 1998 album "III" marked the debut of singer Gary Cherone, formerly of Extreme, and also featured minimal contributions from long-time bassist Michael Anthony. The end result was an album full of meandering jams that didn't capture the greatness of either previous era of Van Halen. Although it debuted at #4 on the Billboard rock charts, "III" fell fast, and the band wouldn't release a new studio album for over 12 years (with David Lee Roth back behind the microphone, as God intended).

Carly Hennessy, "Ultimate High"

"American Idol" was seen as a one-way ticket to musical success, but one contestant in the show's seventh season had already been through the industry grind and failed. Carly Hennessy (or Carly Smithson as she was called on the show) signed with MCA in 2001 and released "Ultimate High," an innocuous dance-pop record that the label had big ambitions for. They spent over $2 million to market the platter, which seemed pretty stupid when it sold just 378 copies in its first three months. After Smithson was eliminated from "Idol,: the album enjoyed a second wind, but not $2 million worth.

Garth Brooks, "Garth Brooks In... The Life of Chris Gaines"

In the 1990s, Garth Brooks was on top of the world. His rock-tinged crossover country had captured a massive audience and paved the way for dozens of artists. But by 1999, he wanted more. He wanted to step outside of his comfort zone, and did so in the weirdest way possible: by becoming someone else. Chris Gaines was a fictional Australian rock star who Brooks invented for a feature film called "The Lamb," and recorded a tie-in album to be released in advance to raise interest in the project. Unfortunately, "The Life Of Chris Gaines" had the opposite effect. Even though it debuted at #2 on the Billboard charts, it sank like a stone afterwards and Brooks announced his retirement from touring and recording the next year.

Soulja Boy, "The DeAndre Way"

In a just and perfect world, Soulja Boy wouldn't sell a single record ever. But the Atlanta rapper won the love of the record industry with the insane success of "Crank That" in 2007, and he was quickly signed to Interscope, where he released a debut album entirely produced with the free version of FruityLoops. By his third album, he announced that he wanted to work with Jay-Z and Eminem (both of whom declined). "The DeAndre Way" was released in 2010, but the highest-profile guest was 50 Cent. The album only sold 13,360 copies in its first week, compared to 117,000 for his debut. Of course, he blames the label and not his own complete lack of talent.

Jesse & the 8th Street Kidz, "Jesse & the 8th Street Kidz"

For an album to truly be a flop, we believe it needs to have the muscle of a major record company behind it. Plenty of indie records drop every year to single-digit sales, but when you've got big money and big media involved, it means a little more. Remember Jesse Camp? He was the winner of MTV's first "Wanna Be A VJ" contest — MTV used to show music videos, and VJs were the people who introduced them — and became an instant pop culture icon. Hollywood Records signed him to a deal, and he put a band together and recorded an album in 1999 that featured guests like Stevie Nicks. The record, which consisted of glam-metal that sounded dated in the post-grunge age, sold a measly 2,600 copies on release, failing to even crack the Billboard Top 200 despite a promo deal with Best Buy.

Allman and Woman, "Two the Hard Way"

Usually, pairing two world-class recording artists is a recipe for big money. But for Cher and Gregg Allman, who were both at the top of their games in the late 1970s, that recipe made an inedible meal. The duo, who met in 1975, released "Two The Hard Way" as Allman And Woman in 1977. It's an incredibly demented product, trying to fuse Allman's southern rock with Cher's mid-period disco and creating a sort of polyester Frankenstein. When it dropped, fans of both artists were disappointed and the album sold poorly. Cher dumped Greg Allman after his drug use led him to pass out face-first into a plate of spaghetti, and since she owns the rights to the album, it may never be re-released.

Robin Thicke, "Paula"

With the massive success of "Blurred Lines", Robin Thicke was poised to be the next Justin Timberlake — a white R&B crossover success who appealed to men and women alike. Then he cheated on his wife with his massage therapist and it all went to hell. In 2014, Thicke and Paula Patton split up after almost ten years of marriage, but the crooner wasn't done yet. He spent the year preparing "Paula," a "baby take me back" album designed to repair his relationship with Patton. It... didn't work. On any level. Not only did the duo stay split, the record was a complete bomb, selling only 30,000 copies in its first two weeks. Critical response was equally dismal, and Thicke spent the next year out of the public eye hoping fans would forget.

Guns N' Roses, "Chinese Democracy"

When the legendary Los Angeles hard rock band Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy" in 2008, record company Geffen had to know that they'd never make their money back on it. Frontman Axl Rose had been working on the album since 1994, going through an army of musicians and studios and racking up costs that allegedly exceeded $13 million — the most that's ever been spent on a single album. It would have to be a "Thriller"-level success for the label to recoup that. Spoiler: it wasn't. The label secured an exclusive deal with Best Buy to debut the album, and sales dropped a flabbergasting 78% in their second week. It was eventually certified platinum in 2009, but by then the writing was on the wall.

 

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17 More Extremely Inappropriate Children's Books

January 18, 2016, 7:50 am

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Since we are mostly all gross human beings who have been tainted by society, it's difficult to see the innocence in anything. However, it's still difficult to categorize the books below as "children's" books since all of them are a tad more mature.

Take a look at these extremely inappropriate books supposedly aimed at children.



































Via Pleated Jeans

Well these are awkward: 8 Totally Inappropriate Moments In Read Kids Books

 

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Hayden Panettiere's Cleavage Stole The Show At Last Night's Critics' Choice Awards

January 18, 2016, 2:21 pm

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It's been a while since Hayden Panettiere has been in the spotlight, which is why her red carpet appearance last night at the Critics' Choice Awards was so wonderful. Well, that and because of her cleavage:


The last bit of major news we heard about the "Nashville" and "Heroes" actress was that she was battling with postpartum depression in 2015. However, she is reportedly doing great and has stated that it was a long process, but now she is doing fine. "Fine" would also be the word used to describe how she looked last night. Here are some more stunning shots:








(Photos via Getty)

Related: Kirsten Dunst's Cleavage Was On Full Display At The Golden Globes

 

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Watch This Kid Sucker Punch His Twin Brother After Losing A Wrestling Match

January 18, 2016, 8:25 pm

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Sure, 2016 is younger than a girl Roman Polanski likes to date, but it looks like we already have a video of the greatest thing that is going to happen in Iowa this year.

Chris Schlichting's twin boys are wrestlers, and by the looks of things, they had to square off against each other in a duel for the ages over the weekend. When the dust had settled, one of Schlichting's sons was named the winner while the other started crying like an old woman watching "Old Yeller."

But when it came time for the post-match handshake, my how the tables turned:


Hey, that sucker punch might have cost that kid a trip to Baskin-Robbins on the ride home, but let's just put it this way: Nobody uploaded footage of the actual match to the Internet. Just saying.

h/t Barstool Sports

Swing and a miss: Man Totally Whiffs With Sucker Punch In Epic Cheap Shot Fail

 

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Here's An A**hole From Oregon State Intentionally Tripping A Referee

January 18, 2016, 9:09 pm

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Heading into Sunday's game against Utah, Oregon State forward Jarmal Reid had averaged 4.2 points, 2.2 rebounds and 15.7 minutes of playing time per game this year.

But for at least the next four games, he'll be throwing up the same stat line as me: zeros.

That's because Reid felt it was necessary to intentionally stick out his leg and trip a referee with roughly three minutes left in the game after he thought he was fouled while securing a loose ball and didn't receive the call.


The score was tied when Reid was ejected for his jackassery, but Utah took advantage of the situation and outscored the Beavers 7-1 down the stretch to secure the victory.

Oregon State and the Pac-12 suspended Reid for "at least four games" following the incident, and whether or not that suspension grows will depend on Reid being able to make it through the next two weeks without reverting to his asshole ways.

h/t Deadspin

Tough year to be a ref: High School Basketball Coach Delivers Brutal Headbutt To Referee

 

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Flight Attendant Gets Note That Suggests A Farting Passenger 'Might Have Ass Cancer'

January 18, 2016, 10:11 pm

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People fart on planes all the time. It's like science or some shit.

But according to the Daily Mail, one passenger seated somewhere "in the area of rows 10 to 12" on a recent flight kept passing gas that was so putrid that a nearby passenger felt the need to write a note on a cocktail napkin to a flight attendant, asking her to call out the farter over the intercom because he or she probably needed to see a doctor for "ass cancer" treatments.


The flight attendant never made the announcement, but she brought the note home and gave it to her son. He thankfully posted a picture of it on Reddit, and the world has been a better place ever since.

A University of Copenhagen clinical professor named Jacob Rosenburg says the average amount of times a person farts each day increases in the air due to a drop in air cabin pressure, but I'll just stick to blaming the guy in row 11 who devoured the entire oversized bag of Combos he purchased from Hudson News.

Sheep farts can set off smoke alarms: Weird News: Sheep Farts Forced A Flight To Malaysia To Make An Emergency Landing

 

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Today's Funny Photos

January 19, 2016, 4:08 am

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The first day back from a long weekend always sucks. Let us ease your pain with these funny photos.












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Check out more funny photos on Mandatory.

 

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My Favorite Puff Daddy Outfits From '90s Videos

January 19, 2016, 4:57 am

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Puff Daddy. Puffy. P. Diddy. Diddy. Sean Combs. Call him whatever you want. One thing is for sure: the man knows how to pull off a suit. Especially when it's shiny and/or inflated. No time was that more apparent than in the '90s. If you turned on MTV back then, chances are Puff would be on. And he would be wearing a suit shiny enough to make you put on sunglasses. This here is a tribute to those glorious suits.


Nothing goes better with a shiny suit than goggles.


See? Goggles really pull the shiny suit together.


Or sunglasses, I guess.


Just make sure your arms are extended.


Like, all of the time.


"Oh shit, where'd my shirt go?"


"It's all good, I'll just start holding my arms out again."


"Wait a second, Godzilla's gonna be in this video with me? Ok, let me pull out my three-piece."

 

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The World's Weirdest Sex Cults

January 19, 2016, 5:19 am

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In our list of dream jobs, "cult leader" ranks pretty high. As the voice of God (or whatever kooky idea you trot out to your adoring flock), you can get away with just about anything, plus you don't pay taxes. Many prophets, preachers and other cult leaders have used their unholy influence to indulge the pleasures of the flesh as well as the spirit. In this feature, we'll tour the world spotlighting ten insanely weird cults that mix knocking the boots with their religion.

The Family

There's no denying that the promise of "free love" can be a potent motivator, but no cult put it into practice quite like the Family (also known as the Children of God), the Huntington Beach, Calif. religious movement that started in 1968. The group's leaders invented the concept of "Flirty Fishing," where distaff members took to the streets with instruction to use their feminine wiles to draw in new converts, by any sexual means necessary. The group conducted the practice from 1974 to 1987, and during that time it's alleged that Family women slept with nearly a quarter of a million people! The looming AIDS crisis finally forced cult higher-ups to put a stop to the madness.




Sathya Sai

The stereotype of the Indian "guru" who can perform miracles with his body has enabled a number of unscrupulous cult leaders to get away with all kinds of weird stuff. Sathya Sai Baba, the figurehead of the Sathya Sai organization, claimed to be able to do all kinds of paranormal feats, from reading minds to vomiting eggs made from solid gold. He created a huge network of meditation centers in 126 countries and used the group's money to fund a number of public health programs. Unfortunately, he also used the group to find young boys to fondle. Baba was a bad boy, luring teens and younger into his private chambers for "healing sessions" that turned into molestation. He passed away in 2011 dogged by controversy.


Oneida Community

We tend to think of cults as a 20th century phenomenon, but religious lunatics were setting up shop in the United States from the beginning. This big new country offered fertile ground for apostates to spread their ideas. In 1848, John Humphrey Noyes set up a commune in Oneida, N.Y. based around the principle of "complex marriage," which held that any two consenting adults could have sex with each other at any time. This wasn't just for pleasure, though -- Noyes felt that free humping would strengthen bonds within the community, and often paired off members to deepen their emotional commitment to Oneida. When the community's archives were opened to the public in 1993, scholars were shocked to find out how much schtupping was going on.


Rajneeshees

If you lived in the Pacific Northwest in the 1980s, you know all about Rajneeshpuram, the massive outpost of followers of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, an Indian-born guru who also carried out the single biggest bioterror attack on American soil when he ordered his followers to contaminate restaurant salad bars with salmonella. Rajneesh was just as sloppy in the bedroom, often forcing his devotees to get it on in front of him to "break down their inhibitions." In addition, teenage girls in the group would be made to give their virginity to higher-ups, but younger kids who sucked their thumbs had to wear rubber gloves to protect against AIDS -- some real "logical" stuff here.


Nuwaubianism

New Yorkers in the '90s were often treated to sidewalk setups of the United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors, a bizarre Nation of Islam spin-off that incorporated lots of Egyptian symbology. The group was led by Dwight "Malachai" York, a charismatic R&B vocalist who taught that African people were originally green but rusted to brown in Earth's atmosphere and aliens invented both the polio vaccine and the Hula hoop. York eventually moved the group to a compound in Putnam County, Ga., where he made men and women live apart from each other, even if they were married. York himself didn't stick by those rules, and in 2002 he was arrested on over a thousand counts of child molestation. His conviction swiftly followed and York was sentenced to 135 years in jail.


Little Pebble

Japan is not a nation known for its raw and open sexuality, so the fact that a tiny cult where the founders have sex in front of the congregation on a yogurt-covered altar can exist there is a little surprising. The "Little Pebble Dohsyuku-kai" takes its inspiration from an Australian man named William Kamm, who convinced a small group of people that he was the future leader of the Roman Catholic Church. One of those people was Jean-Marie Thornbush Little John, who emigrated to Japan and started his own thing in Akita. Services at the Little Pebble often involve Jean-Marie rubbing other congregants with yogurt and honey, 69ing them and more. Oh, and they're Catholics that also perform gay marriages.


River Road Fellowship

America is, in many ways, the Promised Land for cult leaders. Our bizarre respect for Christianity and guns provides fertile soil for self-proclaimed holy men to set up shop (see David Koresh for an example). Victor Barnard was one such man, a Minnesota native who proclaimed himself the resurrection of Jesus Christ and presided over the River Road Fellowship. Because Barnard was a supernatural being, he argued, he could have sex with any of the group's women -- even if they were married -- and it wasn't rape. And when parishioners started to have female children, he extended that edict to them as well. In 2014, two members of the group went to the police and Barnard fled to Brazil, where he was eventually arrested.


Self Improvement Foundation

Leave it to Russia to have a totally insane sex cult and call it the "Self Improvement Foundation." Led by psychologist Vyacheslav Vesnin, the 200-member group was located in the city of Orenburg and would regularly meet for massive orgies that parents were encouraged to have their children watch. When the police raided his compound, they found over 100 totally nude people of all ages, as well as videotapes in which Foundation children were made to sing profanity-filled songs while their parents stripped on stage. Investigators are still trying to document all of the screwed up sex stuff the group got up to.

Providence

The expansion of Christian theology into Asia took root hard in South Korea, and with it came people looking to exploit that fervent belief to their own benefit. Providence was founded by Jung Myung-seok, originally as an offshoot of the Methodist Church (which later expelled Jung). The group's basic beliefs are close to the Unification Church, but with some additions -- most notably, that Jung is the Messiah. And with Messiah status comes lots of free sex. Starting in 1999, allegations that Jung used his position to bang female followers started to hit the media, and the beleaguered "prophet" fled the country. He was eventually picked up in China and convicted in 2009. Startlingly, the cult continues to groom "brides" for him for when he gets out of jail.


The Banana Cult

Religions since the dawn of time have tried to connect sexual activity with the fertility of crops, but a recent religious leader in Papua New Guinea took things to a whole 'nother level. A man in Port Morobe province assembled a good-sized congregation for his religion that had just one simple promise: every time parishioners had sex in public, the banana harvest would increase. The group gathered around 30 members and even jailed the mayor of the small town of Yamine when he tried to stop them. When cops came to shut down the group, the leader fled naked into the jungle with a retinue of followers.

And in another case of devotion & lust: Devout Christian Bodybuilders Ironically Have A Website For Swingers

 

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The 43 Funniest Tweets About Sex Of All Time

January 19, 2016, 5:50 am

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Twitter is a great place to get up to the minute news, sports scores, find out what your friends are doing, and watch people reveal deep, revealing tales of their sex lives in the most hilarious ways possible. Here are 43 very funny people sharing tales of their sex life in 140 characters or less. Enjoy!

*whispers in your ear during sex* technically Wolverine has died several times, most recently in issue 756

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 1, 2014

Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012

face down ass up left right left right b a start

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 13, 2013

If my boobs hurt my first thought is that I'm maybe pregnant and my second thought is that I maybe closed them in the oven door again.

— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 2, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant

— Merry Cocoa (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012

I have no sympathy for grooms who worry "this is the only vagina I'll have for the rest of my life." I live that nightmare every day.

— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) May 16, 2014

Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 1, 2015

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing

— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014

guys, i love havin sex, and... parrot behind me interrupts: "SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQUAWK i hope they believe me"

— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) July 24, 2013

Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.

— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) July 3, 2012

Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) March 24, 2014

I wouldn't say I "enjoy" sex so much as I "let the pursuit of it control my life".

— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 31, 2012

In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.

— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013

Son, it's time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee's. *pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*

— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 21, 2015

Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.

— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012

[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) January 25, 2015

Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded

— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) February 7, 2013

made a spreadsheet of all the muppets I think fucked each other pic.twitter.com/zo39cyZcsy

— i watched hostel 3 (@ruinedpicnic) February 13, 2015

We can't have sex until I see you around a bee

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 30, 2015

My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 30, 2012

Pick Your Favorite Sex Position: ⚪️doggy style ⚪️missionary ⚪️girl on top ⚪️reverse cowgirl 🔘just happy to be here

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 25, 2015

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012

Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND "ORGASM" WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 6, 2011

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

— ♡Handsome Tweet Guy♡ (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014

most people dont even know why 69 is funny they just laugh so they dont feel weird. its basically a sex number though, thats why i laugh

— deg (@degg) June 21, 2012

A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, "Does anyone want to bang?!" It also has more dignity.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 5, 2014

my fav sex move pic.twitter.com/6k1rkFB0XA

— Natalie Mooney (@nataliejmooney) January 26, 2014

Sex is like a hot dog. I haven't had a hot dog in a long time. Please someone give me a hotdog

— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) November 23, 2015

I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 19, 2012

sext: i am skinny and very cold. you somehow mistake my shivering for twerking & are impressed. your standards are low. i like that.

— Jeff Pussy (@lil_escher) May 22, 2012

ONE IF BY LAND AND TWO IN THE PINK

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 8, 2014

PORN IS BIASED. Either MILF or 18. What about postgrad w/ bad credit who drives Subaru to 1pm matinees? No one wants to jerk off to that?

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 10, 2012

Are there glory holes for just holding hands?

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 8, 2013

Bob, I'm gonna need you to draw me two dinosaurs having butt sex. "Sure thi--wait, why?" Uh, ever hear of GOD'S PLAN? pic.twitter.com/vXgzGd5C5x

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) December 12, 2014

I did that Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini to a guy once but my jugs are so big that he got too full and starting vomiting everywhere.

— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) July 6, 2013

I slept with this guy and left him SO speechless, he hasn't been able to call or text since. Still got it!

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 19, 2012

I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 18, 2013

Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012

Don't tell anybody, but I think about Melissa Etheridge sanding a cabinet when I have sex with my bf.

— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 9, 2012

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2015

its still funny to me that guys figured out a way to fuck boobs

— Cornell Reid (@CornellReid) February 23, 2011

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) September 10, 2012

Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

— moody monday (@mdob11) September 26, 2013

 

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Disney Classics Gone Completely Wild

January 19, 2016, 6:20 am

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As innocent and wholesome as Disney movies are, people seem to forget that there were some questionable moments in the Disney movies below that flew under the radar for some reason; moments that would have changed the entire tone of the movies. Check out some of the wildest moments in these Disney classics just like Walt himself would have wanted.




































Via The Chive

This is quite eye-opening, as well: 4 Points About Disney Movies That Will Change How You Think About Them Forever

 

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Jimmy Kimmel Tells People Martin Luther King Jr. Has Endorsed Donald Trump -- And They Believe It

January 19, 2016, 7:18 am

≫ Next: This 20-Year-Old Model's Instagram Photos Are Causing A Hell Of A Lot Of Controversy

≪ Previous: Disney Classics Gone Completely Wild

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If you're still wondering how the hell Donald Trump has a shot to become the leader of the free world, the video below can probably explain it: there are just a lot of idiots out there. And some of those idiots were showcased when Jimmy Kimmel told some folks on the street that Martin Luther King Jr., the important leader during the Civil Rights Era, was endorsing Donald Trump.

Check out some of the reactions below:


These folks are going to be super bummed when they learn that Martin bit the dust.

More people who have lost their minds: A List Of Celebrity Donald Trump Endorsements Thus Far

 

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This 20-Year-Old Model's Instagram Photos Are Causing A Hell Of A Lot Of Controversy

January 19, 2016, 7:43 am

≫ Next: The 18 Types Of Unredeemable Tattoos Men Get

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If you have over 200 thousand followers on Instagram, some of which are celebrities, it's pretty obvious you're doing something that is catching the attention of people. The 20-year-old girl below has definitely caught some attention with her racy photos that have brought forth controversy.

do i even like u or do i just like the attention?

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Jan 13, 2016 at 7:23pm PST

Seattle native Eileen Kelly is a youthful-looking model who has been reeling in followers with half-naked photos that have had some people comparing her to the 12-year-old character in "Lolita" in the popular novel.

"I took a whole class on ['Lolita']. She's a 12-year-old girl in distress," Kelly explained to The Post. "It's written from his side of the story and she's dating this 60-year-old. That's not normal. I don't think I give off that vibe."

"A million people probably write on my photos, 'She's slutty' or something. And I'm like, 'Cool, call me slutty.' You're still looking at my page," the model adds.

Well, "slutty" or not, here are some more of Kelly's pictures thanks to her very controversial Instagram:

whips & chains excite me ;)

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Oct 31, 2015 at 8:33pm PDT

she done been through so much pain she don't give a damn

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Jan 13, 2016 at 7:21pm PST

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Dec 13, 2015 at 7:15pm PST

do u even skate bro?

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Nov 21, 2015 at 6:03pm PST

boy im done w u

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Dec 3, 2015 at 3:31pm PST

thEm cold nights tellin u, Ya gon be Alright

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Jul 28, 2015 at 7:58pm PDT

still not over this 💭 thx @ondine_vinao for the wonderful make up

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Oct 31, 2015 at 12:50pm PDT

the one that u needed was leezy from hooters on peachtree

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Oct 25, 2015 at 4:07pm PDT

say my name

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Sep 30, 2015 at 12:22pm PDT

aw do i offend u?

A photo posted by @killerandasweetthang on Sep 17, 2015 at 3:59pm PDT

Another Instagram gal that's turning heads: The Nude Yoga Girl On Instagram Still Hasn't Been Kicked Off Even Though She's Always Naked

 

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The 18 Types Of Unredeemable Tattoos Men Get

January 19, 2016, 7:50 am

≫ Next: The Weekly Mandatory Meme Contest: 'Man Seeking Woman'

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Tattoos were be ink-to-skin artwork that made a person unique. What's happened though is that everybody has gotten them, making those without ink the unique party. Irony, right? Another, more optimistic way to view this trend is to say that tattoos have finally become socially acceptable – at least for most people. Because truth of the matter is, some tattoos shouldn't be acceptable. Some are so awful they're unredeemable by anyone's standards; it doesn't matter how great of a person you are. These are the unredeemable tattoos that some dudes actually pay for.

1. Barbed Wire Armband

Had to start with this one. All that the barbed wire tattoo signifies is that you decided to get a tattoo at a young, stupid age in the mid-'90s.

2. The Name Of A Current Girlfriend

You figured getting a tattoo of the girl you're dating but not engaged to was something your buddies would endorse? You figured wrong, friend. It's kind of creepy.

3. Pinup With Nudity

Nudity in tattoos are pointless. Unless you're aiming to look like the kind of guy who giggles when an unexpected boob pops up in a PG movie.

4. Any Neck Tattoo Ever

This is only cool if you're an established rock star (meaning you're so rich future employment won't matter), a tattoo artist, an extreme sports athlete, or seasoned criminal. None of these jobs are easy to come by, nor are they respected by any parent or adult-like figure. Same applies for facial tattoos, which are somehow even more stupid.

5. A Tiger Or Panther Fighting A Snake

Do you know what this means? It means you wasted half of your arm on an image that thousands of other people also have. Could you have at least come up with a different set of feuding animals, or did you just pick this baby off of the shop's wall?

6. A Cartoon Or Video Game Character

No. Let her find out you're a nerd after you've slept with her.

7. A Quote From A Modern Pop Star Or Lyric

Is what today's celebrities have to say really anything special? No, probably not.

8. An Alcoholic Product

You like beer so much you got a tattoo of it? Right on. You probably got this baby when you were in college, didn't you? Yeah, that's cool. Most of us don't make good decisions after a liter of whiskey at 3AM on a Wednesday.

9. A Brand

Did you get free product for it? A lot of free product? Sure as hell hope so.

10. A Self Portrait

Only Steve-O can pull this off. This guy clearly can't.

11. A Skull & Crossbones

Traditional, but in a bad way. Getting this tattoo only makes you look tough if you're a biker. If you're not, it looks like you're trying to be a biker. Not nearly as intimidating.

12. A Butt Tattoo

A drunken mistake. Not as funny as it was when you got it – even though that wasn't really funny, either.

13. Anything Topical

Bet that Psy tattoo seemed like a better idea when you expected him to follow up "Gangnam Style" with an equally adored hit.

14. Any Scripture In Gothic Font

You didn't go to prison. You haven't even illegally downloaded a song. Quit pretending.

15. Mythological Creatures

Aside from conjuring up images of some 30-year-old larper in grandma's basement, it's better to stick with creatures that actually exist.

16. Technology

Apple changes their entire product lineup like twice every year – or at least it seems that way. So the tattoo you just got to symbolize your affection for the billion dollar tech company will also be obsolete when you shell out $2,000 on their latest version of said product.

17. Something Intentionally Offensive

If you have a swastika or confederate flag somewhere visible on your body it's safe to say you're a dude who's looking for trouble. You knew when you got this tattoo that it would stir up some shit. With tattoos like these, most assume you're a guy who doesn't have many friends, but know the bar staff in town quite well because they're all you really talk to.

18. An Eagle Holding A Skull Or American Flag

You're proud of your country, that's awesome. But couldn't you have displayed this affection in a less aggressive/generic way?

 

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The Weekly Mandatory Meme Contest: 'Man Seeking Woman'

January 19, 2016, 9:33 am

≫ Next: Appropriate Excuses To Use For Taking Too Long To Reply To A Text

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Appropriate Excuses To Use For Taking Too Long To Reply To A Text

January 19, 2016, 9:50 am

≫ Next: Jamie Foxx Saves Driver From Burning Car

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I'm sure you have waited for a person to respond to your text only to be answered back days or even weeks later. Well, instead of going all "Carrie" on those folks who dared not respond immediately to that meme you sent, here are some appropriate excuses you can use the next time you feel like making them wait for a text back.

 

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Jamie Foxx Saves Driver From Burning Car

January 19, 2016, 10:10 am

≫ Next: A Car Dealership Is Pissing A Bunch Of People Off With Their Sexist Signs

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Well, it's hard to find Jamie Foxx irritating after reading this story.

While the majority of people were enjoying their day off from work yesterday, Foxx was busy pulling a person to safety after his car skidded on the wet road and flipped. The accident happened around 8:30 PM in Los Angeles in front of the actor's home.


Witnesses explain that Foxx apparently heard the car accident and ran to the scene only to see the driver, now identified as 32-year-old Brett Kyle, still buckled into the seat of the burning vehicle. Foxx then proceeded to unbuckle the driver and drag him to safety for fear that the car would explode like he's seen in plenty of action movies he's been in.


Foxx had called 911 beforehand, as well.

The driver did sustain major injuries, including burns, and is currently residing in the hospital. He was also arrested for "driving under the influence."

As much as we'd like to believe that celebrities are just useless robots that reel in millions of dollars, stories like this remind us that they can do good things sometimes, too.

Via Safety For Citizens

Meant to be: Ohio Man Says His Life Was Saved By His Craving For Hot Pockets

 

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A Car Dealership Is Pissing A Bunch Of People Off With Their Sexist Signs

January 19, 2016, 10:27 am

≫ Next: You're Gonna Watch This Kate Upton Video And You're Gonna Like It

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I guess not every Canadian is polite.

Mellish Motors, a car dealership in Prince Edward Island, Canada, is causing an outrage after some of their signs were branded as sexist. Check out the signs that the owner of the dealership, John Mellish, has put up recently.



After the outrage, the sign was changed to this:

And now it's been changed to this:

"I'm not putting that out to any individual person, or any group. That's a humorous saying on my sign that people can interpret any way they wish," said Mellish of this final sign change. "Even though it says 'drama queens' it can be applied to males, females."

Mellish also says that he believes the signs are in "good humor."

The most offensive thing about this is that some people still go to car dealerships.

Via Buzzfeed
Pictures: Chelsea Ling/Krystalle Ramlakhan

Let's work on our advertising skills, folks: 'Tasteless' Caitlin Jenner Billboard Taken Down In New Zealand

 

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You're Gonna Watch This Kate Upton Video And You're Gonna Like It

January 19, 2016, 11:17 am

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Listen, folks, this is a video of everyone's favorite blonde bombshell, Kate Upton, and she's parading around the Cook Islands in a bikini. I went to college so I can show you stuff like this, so you're going to watch this and enjoy it because there is no way you can't.

Aside from Upton looking fantastic in her bikini, be sure to look out for Upton's impression of Marilyn Monroe when she gives us her rendition of "Happy Birthday Mr. President."


No need to thank me.

h/t Sports Illustrated

Yep, you might as well see this, too: Here's Kate Upton Looking Hot In Tiny Bikinis Just Because

 

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