Everybody loves a good drunk story. By this I mean: an epic story of drunk debauchery that is told while sober. This does not, by any means, reference a story somebody tells while drunk, as these mumbled tales rarely make any sense. Since this is the case, I decided to reach out to the masses and ask for your best drunk stories -- told sober, I assume.
From a spontaneous threesome to almost getting shot by an armed farmer, these are your wildest drunk stories.
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Stranded In Mexico
I went to Mexico recently with a group of friends. My friend (let's call him "Nate") came with us. Nate had always been a bit of a heavy drinker and a trouble maker.
Two hours into the trip, Nate's card is declined at a strip club. He's already purchased a lap dance and now he can't pay for it. So instead of helping him, we drunkenly thought it would be funny to let the bouncers have at him.
They took his wallet from him, which had his ID and made him leave. We stayed and figured he would make it back to the US just fine. What we didn't realize was that he had no money, no ID or passport, and no way to tell us that he was royally screwed. He then walked three miles to the US/Mexico border and got in line.
Hours later, we showed up and were almost through the line when we looked into the holding area to see Nate in a room making phone calls and border patrol officers hovering over him. We called over a guard and explained the situation, told them he was an American citizen, and let us talk to him.
It took him four hours, but they finally let him through.
Nate never went back to Mexico. – Wes, 28
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Kidnapped At An Afterparty
I was downtown drunk by myself because my friends had left in a cab. I didn't have enough money to cab myself, so I went into another bar and luckily found a couple guys I knew.
Next thing I know, I wake up in a super creepy basement with two guys I've never seen before staring at me. It didn't help that there were swords and knives all over the walls, either. As such, I ran out the door and down the street.
As I'm running, I look back and see one of the guys chasing me. I finally see a house with lights on so i bang on the door, screaming, "Call the police, I'm being chased!" Sure enough, the cops were called, took me home, and talked to my mom saying they hoped I wasn't assaulted.
I woke up the next day and my friend messaged me on Facebook saying someone was texting her from my number saying they had all my stuff. So I picked up my friend and went to the house to get my stuff. The guy told me I was hanging out with him and his friends at the bar, they invited me to an afterparty, we drank, then I passed out for about 15 minutes, woke up, didn't remember them, and ran out of the house.
I asked him why he chased me and he said, "I was just trying to give you your stuff back!" My alleged kidnappers turned out to be very solid dudes! – Madelin, 26
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Drunk Driving In A Convertible
Picture four teenagers in a top-down convertible, case of beer in the trunk and a couple of plastic six-pack rings on the back seat. It's about 2AM on a Saturday night.
Stopped at a stop light, a dark-colored car pulls up behind us. "Let's shaft this one," the front passenger said. The light turned green, the car went into park, and we executed the proverbial perfect "fire drill". Both doors flew open and the front seat emptied. We made two full laps around the car and the driver behind us just sat there patiently waiting for the idiots in from of him to finish the stunt.
After diving back to our seats and slamming the doors, burning tire rubber was the final insult to our victim. Turns out, the vehicle was an unmarked cop car. Me, being the youngest of the group (only seventeen at the time) I tried to bullshit my way out of telling the cop my real age. It didn't work. After receiving several tickets and switching drivers, the car was allowed to go on its way.
Me, I got a complimentary ride in the back of the unit to the police station, where I languished until morning until my father came to get me, cursing me out all the way home. With that, I was grounded for the last two weeks of my summer vacation. – Chuck, 58
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How To Get Out Of A Ticket
I lived in Southern California and a whole bunch of us went to a bar in a neighboring town. I had too much to drink and decided to drive home. On the way, I was pulled over by a policeman. He asked me get out of the car, as he wanted to give me a drunk test. I said I did not feel well and as I bent over to get out of the car, I threw up all over his shoes.
Expecting to be taken to jail, he instead shut my door and said, "Drive safely!" – Tina, 59
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Standoff With An Armed Farmer
Driving across pastures outside of town somewhere around midnight, my buddies and I were armed to the teeth with .22 caliber guns and a 12 gauge shotgun (we are talking Texas, after all). It was open season on jackrabbits and we went hunting in this poor farmer's field. We were very, very drunk.
Several rabbits had escaped our aim, so out came the shotgun. "Don't need to aim this f*cker," said someone in the back seat, as the first blast ripped perpendicular to the left side of the car. We hadn't shot shit.
Even in an all-out drunken stupor, we knew it was time to call it. So before heading back to civilization, we needed to piss. Zippers down lined-up beside the convertible, we noticed something unexpected -- car headlights had spotlighted us from the fence, dicks out and all.
Shit! Had the sheriff been called? We sure as hell weren't going to be caught drunk, armed and trespassing, were we? I know I hadn't finished peeing, but I dove head first into the back seat as the car started moving.
We punch it toward the gate with the barbed wire fence that had been our access point to the field. But no, the farmer was smart and he was damned tired of hearing gunshots for the third night in a row. We soon saw the gate was blocked by his pickup.
He was just standing there in our headlights, beside the pickup, bravely facing four armed and hammered teens charging at him in a car, just daring us to run him down or fire another shot. I'm not sure what it costed him to fix that barbed wire fence line, but that didn't matter, as we veered to the right of the gate and punched his own way back to the highway. No cops in sight and we got away scot-free. Needless to say, that was our last rabbit hunt. – Chuck, 58
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Spontaneous Threesome With A Stranger
In Niagara Falls on a hockey tournament, my buddy and I were just about to head out to the casino when a cute latin girl caught my eye and we started talking. No longer than 15 minutes later, she asked that she and my buddy join her in her hotel room.
She brought us to her room, proceeded to take her clothes off, and jumped in the bath tub, ushering us to join her. We obliged. Soon enough we were engaged in a full-on threesome.
Eventually, once the threesome was over, me and my buddy were sitting on the bed and she stood up and began dancing behind a panel, turning her figure into a sexy silhouette. It was damn hot. That is until she slipped and fell into the tub. Hard.
We took this opportunity to grab her bra and bail. The garment hung in our room as a chandelier decoration for the remainder of the weekend and we therefore became legends among the hockey team. – Dan, 26
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Painting The High School In Puke
It was a grade 10 high school dance and I was heading over with the girl I had a crush on (we'll call her "Tracey"). Wanting to impress her, I pounded a hockey water bottle's worth of Bacardi rum, and we proceeded to the dance. As soon as I got in there, I knew things were bad and that they were going to get worse. I was seeing triple.
Before long, I'm sat on the sidelines being handed water by my philosophy teacher who was serving as a chaperone. Instead of drinking it, I instead poured it out on my hand, lifted Tracey's skirt in front of a group of people (including my teacher), and slapped her ass as hard as I could.
Next thing I know, I'm puking in the guys washroom with an audience of seniors watching me. This same teacher (my drunken savior) came in, cleared the crowd and asked my two largest buddies to discreetly escort me out so that I didn't get suspended or expelled.
Discretion, according to my buddies, was lifting me over their heads and walking out with my 10-feet above the ground. They then called my dad, who said if I puked in the car, he'd kill me, and I literally crawled up the stairs to resume puking. I then passed out with my arm in the toilet and covered in vomit. I never was expelled, thankfully. – Rob, 26
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The Puke-Covered Barefoot Hike
After making out with a guy who I'd liked for years and had a girlfriend, drama had hit its peak, so my friends decided it was time to take me home. When we were about five minutes away from my friend's place, I puked everywhere -- all over the cab, and my friends. I was kicked out (barefoot, for some reason), and decided to scatter off on my own through a field -- again, barefoot. My friends tried chasing after me, but I was drunk and therefore superhuman.
When my friend Tina finally caught up to me, I called her out. "Wanna go?" I shouted at her, and raised my fists as if I were Holly Holm. She, who was drunk as well, responded by crying, which led me to escape again. Hours later, my friends (who had been searching until the early morning to find me) discovered I was crashed in my friend's bed (this is the place we were heading to in the cab) since 3AM. I had somehow travelled roughly four kilometers barefoot through fields, suburban neighborhoods and the outskirts of my high school, without so much as a scratch. – Sarah, 26
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Stopped On A Highway
A group of friends (guys and girls) had booked a hotel near a club we wanted to hit up nearby. The club was pretty good, and me and two friends headed back to the hotel when it was closed, where two of our friends had already retired to.
When we came in, we walked in on pure mayhem. The one girl we were with had snapped and for some reason we didn't know, started to absolutely freak on us. Various heavy objects were thrown in our direction and the room behind her was a total mess.
My buddy, declaring this was no place to get in a fight, made the foolish decision to drive home with me and another girl serving as passenger. He was absolutely hammered. So hammered, that out of nowhere, he (who was in the middle of a busy highway at this point) came to a complete stop on the highway, and said he shouldn't be driving. That he was too drunk.
Needless to say, we talked him back into driving and we made it home. But damn, I'd never been stopped in the middle of the highway before, and I hope I never will be again. – Sean, 26
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