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10 Historical Mysteries That May Never Be Solved

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The Downside of Sex Apps Like Bang With Friends and Tinder

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Twenty years ago, the mobile phone idea was a bit of a phenomenon, this idea of making calls away from your home. Nowadays, though, phone calls are just a small piece of the pie, as technology has given birth to things like mobile matchmaking, a real time-waster and horny hobby of idle hands. What you get out of apps like Tinder and Bang With Friends (as a man searching for a woman, just as an example) are a couple photos, an age and overly used Marilyn Monroe quotes. None of which is much to base a solid judgment of a person, but instead an estimated guess as to who they are. Should she reply in kind, you're in and the madness can begin.

Sexually explicit technology is of particular interest because of the fantasy involved, but the benefits rarely outweigh the potentially awkward, creepy and disturbing outcomes. And if you're new to the fast-paced superficial game of mobile ocular molestation, you're bound to make a lot of first-timer mistakes. Here are examples of failed attempts at love you might see along the way in this humorous take on sex searches and lonely hearts in the mobile universe. It's clear from what follows that some of these guys just had bad mothers. Hopefully in the end you'll realize that meeting normal girls in normal situations is the better play, but we doubt it.

Too Much Too Fast
With mobile technology we accumulate this jadedness with all of the instantaneous gratification. Before modern technology, guys would take girls out for a few chivalrous dates before rounding the bases, but with technology like this, it's becoming the norm to make the march down south before ever hearing her soft voice.

In not knowing what to say to a girl you've never met, most Rico Suaves will likely try to stick out of the herd and make their opinion very clear to improve their odds, failing to pump the brakes a few times before stepping on the gas. But gas is always bad when it comes to women.


Her Friends Are Already Your Friends
The most awkward part of this social network matching game is when you approve of a girl and then it turns out she is already friends with a number of your Facebook friends. That's like sitting down to dinner with your future in-laws before getting laid. Surely that fatal risk won't outweigh the horniness that got you here in the first place, ultimately leading to a forced awkward conversation with a girl you don't know, and one who only knows two things about you: who your ex-girlfriend is and that you're outwardly interested in infiltrating her naked body after just meeting. This can't go wrong.


Seduction at Its Finest, or Just Catfish
There are no doubt going to be entertaining things to see when you scroll through photographs of girls trying to exert their talents in a couple quick pics. Be prepared for the extra slutty, extra efforts of girls who most likely snort macaroni and cheese powder for lunch everyday.
If she's buying the seriously lame come-on lines you googled, and it seems too good to be true, then it is. You've caught yourself a serious catfish, buddy, and it's best to toss that one back before she convinces you to quit your job to fly to South America to meet, where you will unknowingly become a drug mule hauling blow in an "empty" suitcase. Seriously, that's already happened at least once.


A Full Blown Relationship Before Meeting
Some people are in it for the long haul, even in the worst environment possible for a healthy relationship. Expect the occasional simple, easy question to wind up molesting the conversation into a textual nightmare.

If she's sharing that much before you've met her, just think about all the great, heavily detailed stories you'll get to hear in person. Anyone brave enough to pursue this situation to the next level must really be in need of some loving, so much so that robbing a bank in order to get some prison ass isn't ruled out as a possibility.


Nobody Gets Carded at the Door
Entering into these situations is like going to a college nightclub; you might meet someone who is the age they say they are, but it's doubtful. In any event, mobile apps welcome people of all types and more dangerously, all ages. If you're smart, you'll keep it legal and when you start communicating with someone obviously too young, you'll move along. Just because it's on your phone doesn't make it real. You think just because Ghostbusters catch ghosts in a movie that ghosts are suddenly real? Well, those actually are, but that's not the point. The point is to watch your ass.


Too Much Ice Breaking
If you were standing on a frozen pond, you wouldn't instinctively start driving a sledgehammer around your feet. At a certain point, you'd fall in and quickly be drowning, and so it goes with breaking the ice in conversation with these sex apps.

Anybody who starts off with questions about love before a casual salutation is going to have a hard time backing up to the simple questions. With lady strangers, the strategy should be no sudden movements, because if you start waving your sledgehammer around like a goddamn construction worker, you'll scare off any chance for some good old-fashioned normal casual sex.


Trying Real Hard, and Reeking of Desperation
Guys will say anything at any hour to get anywhere with a girl; it's our basic nature. However, some words should not be combined together in the same sentence, such as "Kathy Griffith's standup" and "enjoy."

Once you've gotten your foot in the door, it's time to be cool and show her some personality. Don't let your anxiousness well up like a kid who just got a glimpse of a pony hiding in the garage on Christmas morning. This will lead to drunken 2:30 a.m. texting with some girl you don't know. You may think she's as into the late-night hookup as you are, but you're wrong; women have vibrating toys for that kind of thing.


Convoluted Group Photos
In a game of superficial, judgmental actions without anyone to play devil's advocate, it feels more like a numbers game when it comes to group photos, so you'll obviously make a hasty decision. If there are five girls and three of them are cute, the percentage weighs in favor of "eh, go for it" when you can't figure out which one she is. It's a smart play on her part if she's on the B team, but then again you'll take anything, so what does it really matter?


It Takes All Kinds
Even druglords in search of a new partner in crime need love. That's it. Just something to think about.

Related: Here's 10 Things About "Breaking Bad" You Might Not Know


Pedophilia Pass to Prison
For a quick shortcut to the big house, you can always believe whatever number people put next to age, as if you've never once lied about yours. Let's put it this way: If she shows up licking a giant lollipop with bows in her hair and Velcro shoes, she's probably not as old as she says she is and you are about to run into Chris Hanse. That, or she has some real problems, and you've still made a huge mistake.

 

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College Basketball's Most Infamous Vacated Wins Teams

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Today's Funniest Photos 4-4-13

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week - April 4, 2013

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Goatstep Makes Skrillex Listenable

Professor Kayla Collins Uses Her Bikini to Help Explain String Theory

Teenage Average Normal Turtles


Quick And Dirty Guide To Casino Games

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You don't have to be a genius to lose your money at a casino. They were designed that way. It so happens that in one popular but possibly intimidating casino game, craps, the less you know the better off you'll be.
casino games, casinos, craps

Craps may appear a hot mess of a stacked chips, flying dice and loud men like that scene from "A Bronx Tale"-it's all true, actually-- but craps (and two other common games) are pretty simple once you've read a quick explanation and played for a little bit. Which is the point of this article.

Put your legs up and stay for a minute so next time you stroll across a casino floor you won't hesitate to put down your cash at a craps, blackjack, or roulette table. One last housekeeping note: this is by no means a comprehensive explanation of each game or common strategy; quite the opposite, it contains only the basics you'll need to play and marginalize the house advantage.

Craps

casino games, craps1. Each game technically begins with the "come out" roll, which isn't an expression of sexual preference but the first roll of each turn.

2. Put your money (the minimum bet) on the "pass line," which is basically your ante into the game.

3. If the shooter (dude with the dice) rolls a 2, 3 or 12, that's called "craps" and you'll lose your bet. Tough luck.

4. If he rolls a 7 or 11, you win your bet and get to celebrate with all your friends (craps is fun with a group of buddies) or strangers at the table.

5. In either of those scenarios: 2/3/12 or 7/11, the shooter will roll again. That is, until:

6. He rolls a 4, 5, 6, 8, 9 or 10... which will become "the point." A dealer will move a marker over this point along the table near the stacks of chips.

7. At this stage, take an amount at least equal to your pass line bet and put it a couple inches behind that bet in a separate stack.

8. With this bet (the "odds bet"), you're getting very, very close to the true odds of the point getting rolled. So put down even more back there if you can afford. All those other crazy bets - such as "hard four" (2 and 2) or "C&E" (2, 3, 11, 12) - are pretty much sucker bets. So they might look fun but it's a fast way to lose a lot. Stay the course with the pass line and odds bet.

9. Each game will end when the shooter hits the point (rejoice!) or "craps out" with a 7. When either event happens, the game restarts with a come out roll. If the point hits, do not drop a chip atop your odds bet in an attempt to secure a higher payout - a stunt Denver Broncos safety Quinton Carter allegedly pulled in Vegas a couple weeks ago. That's a felony.

10. You don't have to roll if you don't want. If you do, just grab 'em and chuck 'em (as opposed to fiddling with them until they display some "lucky" formation - that's annoying), but don't launch them off the table. Unless there's some prick across the table who really, really deserves a shot between the eyes.

Blackjack

casino games,  blackjack1. Actually print out and bring a card advising what to do in literally every possible scenario you might encounter (someone already made the card for you!). There's nothing wrong or cheesy about this; in fact, savvier players probably will appreciate that you're adhering to "the book" rather than just going with your gut, which may be filled with cheap booze and buffet food.

2. Face cards are all worth 10; an ace is one or 11 (depending on your hand); numbered cards are exactly what they say.

3. Place your bet in the circle (stick with the minimum for starters) and the dealer will put down two cards in front of you, in front everyone else playing a hand, and one card face up and another card face down in front of himself. No one knows what's underneath but always assume it's a 10. So if you can see the dealer has a 4 showing, assume he has 14.

4. The dealer must hit on 16 or anything less; once he reaches 17 or busts (has a hand exceeding 21) - the dealer will stop.

5. You can do whatever you want, but refer to your card. Your move is based on what the dealer shows, which will impact your play (you won't see the face down card until after you decide what to do with your hand).

6. A few rules worth memorizing but you don't have to: (a) If you have 12 to 16 and the dealer has a 2 to 6 showing, don't hit unless you have a "soft" 12-16 (a hand comprised of one ace); (b) double down on 11 when the dealer appears has a 9 or lower showing; (c) always split Aces and 8's. Why? Because both combinations make a really crappy hand and by splitting you'll have a much better shot.

7. When you split or double down, you must put down another bet, effectively giving you two hands during the same game.

8. You actually have to motion with your hand when you want to stay (simple lateral wave above the table) or hit (tap a finger or two against the table). Remember, you're being watched on camera, hombre.

9. Experience is key with blackjack. After a few turns through the shoe (the giant stack of cards) you'll have a much better grasp on what's going on and how to act in each situation. If you're unsure, you can ask the dealer who will help you - not try to trick you.

10. Remember, don't be an a**hole to the dealer; he's just the messenger. If you go on a run, it's good form to tip.

Roulette

casino games, roulette1. Step one: take a look at the board. You'll notice there's squares on the outside and ovals on the inside marked with numbers, which correspond to the numbers on the wheel.

2. You can make "outside bets" or "inside bets," each of which carries a varying degree of risk and reward. For example, the odds the dealer will roll any single number is 37:1; if you hit the correct number on that inside bet, you'll get paid 35:1.

3. A popular outside bet is simply RED or BLACK, which has just shy of a 1:1 shot of hitting (because the 0 and 00 make the odds less than even) and pays exactly what you wagered if you win ($10 if you bet $10).

4. If you want to make bets on the "inside," ask the dealer to give you "singles," or pretty colored chips that only you will use at that particular table. You can bet on any amount of single numbers each roll (and actually on more than one at the same time - if you lay a chip across two numbers, which splits your bet by half for each). BUT...

5. Don't be a moron and (1) splash your chips on the table or (2) spread too many chips on the table on a single roll (good rule of thumb: avoid putting much more than the table's minimum in singles on any given roll). If you're playing a ton of numbers, you're exposing yourself to a lot of losses and basically hedging against your other bets (reducing a possible win).

6. But if you're feeling really spicy - place a bunch of chips on the same number or a couple numbers.

7. We like to stand closer to the wheel where it's easier to place bets at most places on the table, and where you can see the ball dance around until it finds its resting spot.

8. As far as those outside bets - you can play those at the same time you play the inside. Try Red or Black, or one of the thirds (1st 12, 2nd 12, 3rd 12) or Even or Odd.

9. Perhaps the most important rule: After each roll, the dealer needs a moment to determine who gets paid what. The dealer will put winnings on the table but DO NOT attempt to collect anything until AFTER the dealer has lifted the eyeglass thingy that he'll place on the winning number right after the spin.

10. No matter your wager, the odds are stacked against you; meaning, unless you're some kind of mystical roulette luck genie, you will eventually get cold and lose. So after a great streak of luck (then a couple losses), it'd be wise to get up out of there and go to Denny's.

 

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The Funniest Baseball Players Ever

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The 12 Hottest Women of 'Mad Men'

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Childhood Dream Jobs That Were Ridiculous Ideas

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Real Life Don Draper Meme

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Don Draper is one of the most captivating characters on television. He is also by almost all accounts a total asshole. Draper gets away with a lot of stuff that none of us would ever dream of trying in real life. Which begs the question: what would happen if Don Draper had to face realistic consequences for his actions? The Real Life Don Draper meme takes some of the bad-ass luster off of Draper's fascinating life and puts him more in the category of Bad Luck Brian.

real life don draper meme, drinks all day in the office
real life don draper meme, sleeps with every woman he meets
real life don draper meme, smokes cigarettes non-stop
real life don draper meme, steals a soldiers identity
real life don draper meme, always drives drunkreal life don draper meme, dies alonereal life don draper meme, prostitute mother

 

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Sexting Examples: Your Official Guide To Phone Sex

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Let's be honest, we've all at least attempted to do a little sexting. No matter if you were trying to spice up an existing relationship, starting a new one, or just being a creepy dude who tries to get pictures of girls for his own private collection, you've done it. A side note to the creepy dudes, you know if you just want pictures of girl's boobs you can turn off Google safe search and literally anything you type in will bring up boobs. Try that.

Here are some steps to guide you through your sexting experience. Now I know you're excited and can't wait to dive into your new world of textual exploration but slow down. Here's your first rule:

1. DO have a conversation.

Here's an actual text a female friend of mine received from a guy WHO GOT HER NUMBER FROM FACEBOOK:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

There are obviously so many things wrong with this.

The first mistake was hunting down a phone number on Facebook like Joey Greco from Cheaters but that's a whole other set of issues. Her text was "UGH" and he responded with the word "Pic." Was she really going to say "Wow, this stalker found my number, revealed who he was to my dismay, and now he wants a provocative picture of me? OF COURSE!" To make matters even worse, he waits ten hours or so and this time puts PIC in all caps like maybe yelling it in her face will change her mind.

If you're thinking about this approach save yourself some time and toss your phone into the nearest natural body of water because you are insane. If you're going to sext with someone at least have some sort of conversation first.

If not then you might as well just text random numbers and hope someone is impressed:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

2. DON'T send a picture of your penis.

According to the dozens of girls I've spoken to about this, it's crazy how eager guys are to send a picture of their penis to just about anyone who will look. It's not even in the heat of sexting, it's almost a conversation starter for some guys, like a coffee table book; a horrible, flaccid coffee table book. Here's what NOT to do:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

If you must send a picture, keep it from the waist up unless specifically asked. Also, if you send a picture of your penis know that she's sent it to her friends as a joke. Trust me on this, I wish it wasn't true because I've jokingly been sent more awkward penis pics from my female friends than I'd care to mention. Just stop sending them so they'll stop sending them to me, OK?

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

3. DO learn how to spell.

Look, I know you're in the moment and probably typing with one hand but seriously, make sure you don't have a typo. Is there anything that would kill the mood faster than this:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

It doesn't matter how sweet you are or how sexy you are trying to be, terrible spelling and grammar is a deal breaker. Also, for the love of god, don't misspell her name:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

4. DO use multiple adjectives (or get a thesaurus)

If you're going to be sexting, you're going to need a deep bench of complimentary adjectives. You don't want to type something like this:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

Don't be too proud to pull up a thesaurus and look up some other words for "awesome" instead of sounding like a pre-teen describing Taco Bell.

5. DO take your time.

While sex with you may only last for 2 minutes, your sexting should not. Taking your time is a must. If you go straight to the sex there's not much left to text about.

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

If you don't have time to get detailed then you don't have time to do it at all. This is just going to make you look stupid and we both know you're better than that. Go slow and pay attention to details. You're describing an intimate sexual encounter, not a random, drunken hook-up in an Arby's parking lot.

6. DON'T try to sext multiple girls at once.

This should go without saying but don't try to pull a double header and sext multiple girls at once. Even if you aren't dating any of them and you're just casually trying to hook up, this could result in a nightmare:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

Needless to say you aren't going to be doing any more sexting with Shannon and if there's any pattern in the universe at all, she probably knows who Stacy is and will be talking about what a jerk you are with her by the end of the night.

7. DON'T type out your orgasm.

I did not believe this was an actual thing. I didn't know there were guys out there who did this, but apparently I was very wrong:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

Seriously fellas, if you get to that point maybe just let them know with your words and not the sound. Also, how did you type that while having an orgasm???

8. DON'T exaggerate too much.

You want this girl to think you're sexy but try to keep your physical descriptions realistic. While this may be how you see yourself, it's probably not that accurate at all:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

Maybe you're being a little too kind to yourself? You could add a little bit onto your, uh, length, but don't describe yourself as the horcrux snake that accompanied Voldemort in Harry Potter.

This doesn't just apply to you, don't exaggerate what you're going to do to her too much either:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

You want her to know that you're a strong, passionate lover, but settle down a little pal. If this surfaced in a court of law you would instantly be found guilty.

9. DO sext with iPhone users.

This may sound silly and pretentious but let me explain: when someone is texting you and you each have an iPhone you'll get this in your chat window:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

That way you know they've seen what you've written and they're responding to your text. It's wonderful.

On the other hand, if you have an iPhone and they don't, you get this:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

Is she typing? Is she no longer interested? Did her battery die? Did she die? Who knows because all the texts are green and I can't see when anyone is responding. It sounds petty but these questions will eat you alive if she hesitates at all in responding.

10. DO realize she's probably not doing all those sexy things she's typing.

I asked my female friends what they're actually doing while sexting and, unfortunately, some of the results might make you sad:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

It isn't much better on the picture end either fellas:

sexting, sexting examples, how to sext,

But don't look at that as a bad thing. Consider this, a girl is attracted to you enough to pretend to be having sex with you! She even sent you a picture of her cleavage! So dust off that phone, turn on some Barry White, and get your sexting muscle in shape! Uh, your fingers, not your penis.

 

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This Week's 20 Most Inappropriately Hilarious Tweets

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Today's Funniest Photos 4-5-13

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Christina Hendricks Drinks Johnnie Walker, Answers 3 Ridiculous Questions From Jimmy Kimmel

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Christina Hendricks is the best reason to watch "Mad Men." As we gear up for season 6 this Sunday, here's a nice teaser of the lovely redhead sitting down with Jimmy Kimmel and a glass of Johnnie Walker to answer three ridiculous questions. It's finally your chance to see if Hendricks would rather marry a tiger or a bowl of soup. (You know you've been dying to find out.)

Click here to learn the proper way to drink Johnnie Walker.

More from Mandatory: The Hottest Women on Mad Men

 

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Let's All Head to the Beach This Weekend

Olga Kurylenko Will Knock You Into 'Oblivion'

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Ask a Girl: Jewelry Shopping?

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Our friends over at StyleList want to help you out. So, instead of just assuming you know everything a woman desires, why don't you listen to the editors at the premiere fashion site on the Web and make sure you are doing the right thing when it comes to the opposite sex?

This week: How to pick the right jewelry for your lady.


I'M CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO SHOPPING FOR JEWELRY. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS IF I FEEL LIKE GETTING SOME FOR A GIRL?

We get it: Jewelry can be scary. It's pretty, sparkly and usually in a hue of the rainbow you wouldn't dare go near. But one thing is true: Ladies LOVE jewelry! Women of all ages and personalities appreciate a little bling to their daily look. And jewelry, more than other gifts, carries a heavy sentimental value. So, if you want your girl to wear something and think of you, go with jewelry! The only things that makes buying jewelry slightly complicated, fellas, are that it can be pricey and very specific to one's personality, style, and wardrobe.

To make buying jewelry for that special someone easy (and yes, fun) follow our helpful tips and tricks on how to buy jewelry and exactly what to get her based off on her personality ... all under $100.

Before you head to the store, think of the following factors:
1) Keep It Simple - Especially if it's your "first rodeo," get something simple that she could wear with lots of different outfits.
2) Is She a Gold or Silver Girl? - This can usually be determined by her watch and any piece of jewelry she wears on a frequent basis.
3) Check Her Out - Scope out her daily wardrobe. Take note if she wears a lot of color, only wears black, or already has 10 bracelets on her wrist.
4) Keep Your Ears Open - She could already be dropping hints of something she wants, therefore making your job that much easier, and the gift that much more meaningful.

All right, now that you know the basics, and you're ready to make the purchase, here are 10 pieces under $100 that are sure to wow your girlfriend:

SHE'S PREPPY AND CLASSIC
J.Crew Classic Tortoise and Brass Link Bracelet - $68
C. Wonder Emerald Links Layering Necklace - $98

SHE'S TRENDY AND A LITTLE EDGY
Luv AJ Septum Studs in Rose Gold - $55
Luv AJ Crystal Cross Bracelet - $99

SHE GETS EVERYTHING MONOGRAMMED
Helen Ficalora Initial Charm - $50
C. Wonder Enamel Initial Cuff - $48

SHE'S A LITTLE BOHEMIAN
Minx Minx Blue Larimer Bracelet - $38
Dannijo Lindsay Bracelet - $80

SHE'S A MINIMALIST
Jennifer Zeuner Small Open Square Necklace - $99
J.Crew Golden Knot Earrings - $35

And just for good measure, always keep the gift receipt.

 

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