Another week, another batch of inappropriately hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They'll think you're hilarious, but inside you'll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter, and check out his bestselling comedy album, "Grape Stomp," on iTunes.
Believe it or not, most film flops don't take place in the summer. It's a real shame, because we had the perfect burn for one of cinema's biggest bombs of all time: Forget "The Alamo." Man, that would have been sweet. However, just because that gem had to be tossed to the wayside, it doesn't mean there weren't plenty of stinkers that took place between Memorial Day and Labor Day (what we're defining as summer for the sake of this piece) for us to tear new ones. Let's take a look at 13 of the more famous examples of summer box-office bombs and see just how much fun can be had at their expense, provided anyone even saw them. You are so lucky, "Hudson Hawk" (release date: May 24, 1991). You missed the cutoff by the skin of your teeth, or in this case, the hair clinging for dear life to Bruce Willis' scalp.
Sources: FilmSite.org, IMDb and Box Office Mojo
Gigli (2003)
Budget: $74 million
Opening Weekend: $3.75 million
Worldwide Gross: $7.3 million
One word explains this failure: "Bennifer." It's always a bad sign when the general public is already sick of a film's two main stars before it is even released. This one wasn't just a bomb; it was considered the worst movie of 2003. The film was so bad that it was pulled from theaters after just three weeks. In fact, people hated the whole "Bennifer" thing so much that it even affected another movie called "Jersey Girl," starring Ben Affleck, released in 2004. Sure, the movie had only a brief Jennifer Lopez appearance, but that was apparently "Enough." Get it? Anyway, the director of "Jersey Girl," Kevin Smith, had this to say on a "Clerks II" DVD interview about the fallout of the movie stars' relationship, which perfectly encompasses why both films flopped: "All these people were just trashing this movie's stars instead of looking at the movie itself. I get that a lot of people didn't like it, but dude, I spent two years of my life on that movie."
Stealth (2005)
Budget: $170.8 million
Opening Weekend: $13.25 million
Worldwide Gross: $76.9 million
Even though it sounds like their slogan is "FX Has the Movies," we're pretty sure if you listen very closely, it's actually "FX Has D Movies," which is exactly what "Stealth" is and on what channel it can normally be seen. If you've somehow sat through this entire film before, then we're guessing you probably stayed put for the "Two and a Half Men" marathon that followed. Panned by critics and moviegoers alike (with Roger Ebert colorfully referring to it as "an offense against taste, intelligence and the noise-pollution code"), the film opened in fourth place, making a measly $13 million and change. That might not sound so bad, until you factor in the film's budget and worldwide gross. Leave this one buried deep in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart where it belongs.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Budget: $167 million
Opening Weekend: $11.4 million
Worldwide Gross: $85.1 million
This was the first full-length movie to use computer-generated effects for props, environments and human characters as well. But when it comes down to brass tacks, why go see a movie that is based on a video game and looks like a video game, but isn't a video game? Or, at least, that is probably what everyone was thinking based on these numbers. Plus, when it comes to something this dorky, if the story isn't all there or doesn't measure up to the video game itself, the nerds will revolt (on the online message boards).
K-19: The Widowmaker (2002)
Budget: $135 million
Opening Weekend: $12.8 million
Worldwide Gross: $65.7 million
Bet they wish they had waited until Liam Neeson was actually a box-office draw to put this baby out. Who'd have thought that the general public needs a little more than the name of a submarine and a subtitle that they don't quite understand to go purchase tickets? Now, U-571, there's a group of letters and numbers we can all get behind. Another joke at the movie's expense: When you type "K19" into the IMDb search, the top titles include "The World Is Not Enough," then "K-19: The Widowmaker." But that's not really a joke as much as it is just a true statement.
Windtalkers (2002)
Budget: $145 million
Opening Weekend: $14.5 million
Worldwide Gross: $77.6 million
It's surprising this one doesn't get brought up more often when it comes to box-office bombs, because you have to imagine MGM shit a brick after pulling in that not-so-cool $14.5 mil on opening weekend after spending $145 million on the film. It was more or less critically panned, with the big complaint being that while it is a film based on Navajo Indian soldiers using their native language as an uncrackable radio cipher, it centers on Nicolas Cage. The last part of that statement is reason enough not to go see it.
Around the World in 80 Days (2004)
Budget: $140 million
Opening Weekend: $7.6 million
Worldwide Gross: $72.2 million
It actually went around the world in 93 days, and still came up about $68 million short of making its money back. While it was "based on" the Jules Verne novel by the same name, many criticized the film for having little to no resemblance to the novel. Couple that with being nominated for two Razzies, including Worst Supporting Actor (Arnold Schwarzenegger), and you can see why this film didn't rise to the same heights as its titular characters.
Jonah Hex (2010)
Budget: $47 million
Opening Weekend: $5.4 million
Worldwide Gross: $10.9 million
This one is based on a DC Comics character that not many people know about. There's the disconnect right away. Couple that with poor critical reviews and the fact that it opened the same weekend as "Toy Story 3," and it isn't very hard to see why this film opened at a meager No. 7 at the box office. It performed so poorly, in fact, that it was not widely released overseas, making only $356,195 outside the U.S. As awesome (and one can only assume buoyant) as Megan Fox's rack is, it couldn't keep this stinker afloat.
Osmosis Jones (2001)
Budget: $75 million
Opening Weekend: $5.27 million
Worldwide Gross: $14 million
Not too many people know that this bomb was directed by the Farrelly Brothers. It was part live action, part animation, with its biggest live-action draw being the always hilarious Bill Murray. One can't help but wonder if the film would have done better or worse if it had kept its original PG-13 rating instead of being cut to a more family-friendly PG. At least it spawned a children's TV series called "Ozzy and Drix," so it wasn't a total loss. We're suckers for the Farrellys and Bill Murray here, so we can't give this one such a tough time, but it was still a failure.
North (1994)
Budget: $40 million
Opening Weekend: $3 million
Domestic Gross: $7.2 million
This one had Elijah Wood, Bruce Willis, two "Seinfeld" cast members (Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus), and was directed by Rob Reiner. Not a bad start. Then you get to the premise. As much as we'd love to describe it to you, Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert do a much better job in this YouTube video that has been making the rounds for several years. Tell us how you really feel!
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (2000)
Budget: $76 million
Opening Weekend: $6.8 million
Worldwide Gross: $35.1 million
Does this movie actually exist? You never even see it on HBO Family, for crying out loud. But apparently it does exist. Though the film didn't do horribly with critics, supporting actors Jason Alexander and Rene Russo were somewhat panned. So much so, in fact, that Alexander apologized for it on "The Howard Stern Show." If you ask us, it was the movie's horrible CGI and the fact that it was based on a show that aired its first episode in 1959 that failed to draw an audience. Kids had no clue what it was and adults didn't care.
Green Lantern (2011)
Budget: $325 million
Opening Weekend: $53.2 million
Worldwide Gross: $220 million
This is another case of DC Comics betting too much on the wrong horse. And by wrong horse, we are talking another superhero that the general public knows very little about. It's not like Green Lantern is Batman or Superman. When the most the average person knows about a superhero is that he flies around in a stupid-looking CGI suit wearing a ring, its not the smartest plan to throw $325 million his way. And this isn't even taking into account the abysmal reviews the film received. "Green Lantern" is hard to sit through on even the laziest of Saturdays while lying around in your underpants and eating ice cream. And yes, that is coming from experience.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Budget: 120 million
Opening Weekend: $2.2 million
Worldwide Gross: $7.1 million
Say what you will about this film, but at least Eddie Murphy didn't have to put in the work of playing multiple characters. Or hell, maybe he did. No one has seen "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," so we can't be certain. We know Murphy played multiple characters in "Meet Dave," another summer tank-job in 2008, but even that movie was not nearly as big of a disaster as "Pluto Nash," the biggest summer box-office bomb of all time.
Side note: While it is easy (incredibly, incredibly easy) to make fun of Eddie Murphy's shameless portrayals of multiple characters in his films, it actually paid off quite handsomely in the past. "Norbit" actually turned a profit of nearly $100 million worldwide, and combined, the "Nutty Professor" films pulled in a whopping $302 million of pure profit. Our brains continue to deteriorate.
The 13th Warrior (1999)
Budget: $160 million
Opening Weekend: $10.3 million
Worldwide Gross: $61.7 million
More like the 13th flop on this list. Burn! This film is up there in terms of most money lost, especially in terms of summer movies (but not quite as bad as "Pluto Nash"). For all it cost to make and market, it still premiered at No. 2, which is exactly what it is. A big, steaming pile of No. 2. The best reviews weren't that good, and as for why it failed, let's just say you don't exactly hear people walking around saying "I'm in the mood for a good Viking movie" very often. Add that to the fact that test audiences hated it, prompting reshoots that doubled the film's original budget, and you have the perfect recipe for box-office failure.
The "Totally Bizarre" section of Ebay can be a pretty traumatizing place to spend your Web-surfing time. There is a collection of incredibly odd stuff that can be yours to take home provided that you win the auctions.
Why in the hell anyone would want to bid on these items is beyond us, but they sure are entertaining. Also, it will become immediately apparent to you that people who sell crazy things on eBay really love their caps-lock keys.
This is a small collection of the weirdest items currently for sale on eBay.
Item: A Wooden Log Coffin
Description: Log caskets have existed for centuries. They are once again becoming popular for people who believe in "green" burials. I thought constructing a miniature log casket would be fun. Not bragging, but I think it turned out fantastic. I have a few piles of honeysuckle wood behind my garage that I use for firewood. I selected a dry and interesting looking log and the pictures speak for themselves as to how it turned out. I carved the inside of the log out and inserted a SKELETON OCCUPANT.
Starting Bid: $39.95
Item: Haunted Baby Doll With the Spirit of a Neglected Middle Child With Severe Autism
Item: Canned Unicorn Meat (butchered unicorn plush inside)
Item: Someone's old Doorbell
Item: Scary Dead Zombie Baby Doll Riding a Skeleton Horse Lamp
Item: Preserved Pig Fetus in a Jar
Item: Your Message on Some Dude's Beer Belly
Item: Fake Toilet Pee
Item: Kangaroo Scrotum Coin Pouch
Item: A Spell That Someone Will Cast on You to Make Your Penis Larger
Item: Donation to This Guy
Item: Preserved Pig Heart
Item: Mr. Clucker Chicken Willy Warmer
Item: Time Machine
Item: Actor James Woods' Dental Impression Teeth
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
On the first weekend of August every year, Twinsburg, Ohio hosts the Twins Days Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world. In honor of this event and twins everywhere, and in the spirit of the Summer Olympic Games currently taking place in London, here are some sexy photos of Brazilian twin sisters having fun and supporting their country. Enjoy this two-for-one gallery, and have a great weekend.
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There are a lot of awesome photos on the Internet. Here's a bunch of them.
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I'm looking forward to a good "workout" tonight.
Knowing is half the battle.
What's so funny? Ohhhh, right.
I'm pretty sure that's not a legal move.
Seriously, the bears are waaaay too happy.
This is my favorite scene in Forest Gump.
The reality of the Internet.
Whoa, grandpa. This isn't a groping bar.
Oh crap.
I'm here for the party.
Hang in there, buddy.
There's something very wrong with these two newspaper headlines.
It's refreshing to see an honest sign.
A slow news day.
Editing at its finest.
Take a right to see the most depressing party in the world.
I'm no plumber, but I'm pretty sure this is not what you want.
Vol. 1.
Yet another unfortunate ad placement.
We all need a little more Catfro in our lives.
It's all about attitude.
I guess that's a weakness.
If you've got it, flaunt it.
Let's see, is a 25% interest rate worth a watermelon? (Probably.)
This doesn't look that raunchy.
Handguns are more dangerous than I thought.
Live dammit!
Mom jokes will never not be funny.
Just a bunch of Olympic divers on toilets. That's all.
The Russian women's track and field team is going for gold.
The troubles of being a step-ladder.
The most depressing Japanese language book ever.
I wouldn't call this the "best" drawing of Jesus.
Do NOT mess with Mr. McDonald.
This graph looks 100% accurate.
If you ever want to know what type of driver is ahead of you on the freeway, just check out what type of stickers they have plastered all over their ride. From political views to the schools their children attend to the types of sex partners they prefer, you can tell a lot about a driver by their bumper stickers. Here are some of our favorites.
True, but he would also probably drive way below the speed limit.
Of course it is. It has you picking up its poop.
It is very considerate of this john to do his part to limit fender-benders in the red-light district.
Anyone who has ever gotten a ticket has thought about using this excuse. Because we've all been there, right?
We have a feeling this guy is not going to get the honks he is hoping for.
There's something admirable about a man who sets goals for himself daily and achieves them.
Sometimes the truth is both comforting and hurtful.
Desperate, single cat ladies all across America just broke down in tears after reading this one.
Did you figure out who this person is supporting yet?
But I swear, it will only be two trips and should only take an hour. Come on, man, I'll buy you some beer!
Perhaps they are referring to a friendly thumbs-up gesture.
This would have made for a much more realistic movie about a girl growing up in Kansas.
Fool me once, M. Night Shyamalan, shame on you. Fool me on my own bumper sticker, shame on me.
And if you are getting pulled over, at least the officer will know how funny you are.
It's important to remember these things.
This is a diet and exercise plan with guaranteed results.
Soon you will be called in and fired.
We're guessing the answer will be no, but what about "The Dr. Oz Show?"
It's important as a driver to not mislead anyone with your bumper stickers. That's where low-quality handmade bumper stickers come in handy.
A rare mix of funny and depressing.
Either this mother has a good sense of humor, or she is not shy about promoting her side business.
The technological advancement of stickers is amazing.
And creepy, "beerholding" uncles everywhere have a very interesting idea of what can pass as beauty.
The few. The proud. The elevator men?
What we should all aspire to be.
And if the kid gets an endorsement deal, he'll make a lot more money than your honor student too.
We weren't quite sure if this person was pro-Obama or not based on the dozens of bumper stickers, but luckily the vanity plates cleared it up.
A different kind of sexy.
This message is probably more effective than the threat of getting a ticket.
A classic that really makes you ponder life.
This is a strange one, and may possibly be an inside joke among fans of the band Phish, but to see in on a car out of context is just fun.
We wonder how many times Jimmy Carter has actually had that thought bubble.
One for the ladies. Take that, men everywhere!
Oh, right back at you, bitter single lady!
Politics are confusing.
Now that's a campaign slogan we can get behind.
Also, click here for more Cthulhu.
Well, that really puts things in perspective.
Yeah, now stop tailgating, you a-hole.
Something doesn't add up here.
It seems like way too often there is a story about someone disappearing. The world is still a big and dangerous place, and unfortunately a missing person can be hard to find. But sometimes luck is with people ,and they escape whatever bizarre circumstance took them away from their family and friends. Here are 10 stories of people who disappeared and then reappeared a long time later. It's enough to make you want to never leave the house.
Jaycee Dugard, 1991
One of the most notorious missing persons cases in recent memory was the abduction of Jaycee Dugard, taken from her South Lake Tahoe, Calif. street as she was walking to the bus stop at age 11. Dugard was snatched by couple Phillip and Nancy Garrido, who shocked her with a stun gun and dragged her into their van. The Garridos took Jaycee to their home, where they would keep her for a staggering 18 years. During her captivity, Phillip Garrido got her pregnant at 13, kept her in a shed in the backyard and brainwashed her, at one point even putting her to work in his print shop. After his weird behavior brought some police attention on the house, investigators managed to lift his brainwashing and return Jaycee Dugard to her family in 2009.
Philip Sessarego, 1993
Most of these disappearances are orchestrated by somebody other than the vanished person, but Philip Sessarego is a special case. Obsessed with the British Army's SAS division, Sessarego was rejected by the group twice, and decided to fake his own death with a car bomb in Croatia. Going underground, Sessarego constructed a new identity, that of writer Tom Carew. Carew built an amazing career, positioning himself as an expert on Muslim extremism and even having his book, "Jihad," serialized in The New York Times. In 2002, one of his kids recognized him and blew his cover, and he fled the country in disgrace. His body was found rotting in an Antwerp garage in 2009, and sadly this time he was dead for real.
Denise Desruisseaux Bolser, 1985
Here's a pretty bizarre little story for you. In 1985, young bookkeeper Denise Desruisseaux Bolser simply vanished from her Raymond, Fla. home. The only clue was a note from a kidnapper that read, "We have your wife." No kidnapper actually existed, though. Bolser was actually afraid for her life, claiming that her employer had been embezzling funds from the company and threatened to kill her because she found out. The cops eventually fingered her for stealing $12,000 from the firm, but she was in the wind. 17 years later in 2002, a private detective connected her with a woman named Denise James, and exposed her deception to her shocked neighbors.
Steven Stayner, 1972
When you're abducted as a kid, it can change everything about your life. Young Steven Stayner was snatched off the streets of Merced, Calif. at just 7 years old, and was transported to the custody of Kenneth Parnell, a convicted child rapist who told him that he had been granted legal custody of Stayner because his parents couldn't afford to have so many kids. Parnell kept Stayner for seven years, regularly interfering with him sexually, but when Stayner began to enter puberty, Parnell cast his net for a younger boy to add to the household. When Parnell snatched 5-year-old Timmy White, Stayner freed him and went to the cops. Parnell spent only five years in prison before being paroled. In 2003, he tried to coerce his medical caregiver into buying him a 4-year-old boy, and was thankfully arrested and incarcerated until he died.
Gabriel Nagy, 1987
In 1987, Australian native Gabriel Nagy called his wife Pamela to tell her he'd be home for lunch. That lunch never happened, and Pamela was distraught to hear that his car was found burnt up by the side of the road. Two weeks later, his bank account showed a withdrawal that was used to buy camping supplies. And then there was no more sign of him. Nagy was missing for 23 years. The last thing he could remember was waking up from his car crash with a head wound and nearly total amnesia. He drifted around Australia for over two decades, working odd jobs and drinking heavily, until his memory started slowly returning and he used his real name to get a Medicare card for cataract surgery, which tipped off the authorities to his location.
Takeshi Terakoshi, 1963
North Korea is like a scary roach motel. Once you go in, you never come out. So when a Japanese fishing vessel sunk off the shore of the Hermit Kingdom in 1963, grieving families said their prayers and moved on. But the boat had three survivors: 13-year-old Takeshi Terakoshi and his two uncles. But unlike most countries, which would duly deport them back home, North Korea instead decided to keep the Terakoshis. It wasn't until 1987 that they allowed Takeshi to communicate with his parents back in Japan, who had long since given him up for dead, and then even more bizarrely, his father decided to move to Pyongyang to live with him in 2001.
Elizabeth Smart, 2002
Many of these people were abducted from public spaces, but in the terrifying case of Elizabeth Smart, she was actually snatched from her own bedroom. Smart, an ordinary girl from Salt Lake City, Utah, was abducted by Brian David Mitchell, a crazy fundamentalist Mormon who had somehow selected Smart to be his second wife. Keeping her tied to a tree outside his weird mountain hideaway, Mitchell would go with Smart and his first wife into Salt Lake City -- the ladies wearing veils -- and attend such non-Mormon events as keg parties. Mitchell's identity eventually was deduced, and cops rescued Smart from his clutches after nine months of creepy captivity.
Nguyen Thi Van, 1992
Hanoi teenager Nguyen Thi Van got in trouble with her parents one night for staying out past midnight, and found herself locked out of the house. Sadly, this would result in a 21-year disappearance. Van went to a karaoke bar with friends and met an older woman who took them to a different bar. The young girl woke up the next day in China. The older woman told her and three other girls that they would be forced to marry older Chinese men or be beaten and fed dog poop. Van married a farmer and lived with him for decades before just recently escaping in a pig truck and making her way back to her shocked parents in Vietnam.
Natascha Kampusch, 1998
Austrian Natascha Kampusch was another young woman abducted by a creepy old man. She was held by Wolfgang Priklopil in a converted bomb shelter for eight years after she was snatched off the street in 1998 at the age of 10. Priklopil kept her in a windowless, soundproof room for months at a time, but as she grew, he slowly began to give her more freedom in the house, and eventually even took her on a ski trip. Priklopil told her that all the windows and doors were rigged with explosives and he also owned a gun with which he would not hesitate to kill her. In 2006, she saw the opportunity to escape when her jailer was distracted by his cell phone and she was running a vacuum. She used the noise to her advantage and ran away, finding a neighbor who was able to alert the police and return her to safety.
Steve Carter, 2012
Let's close this list with a very strange missing-persons case. Steve Carter was a young man who always knew that he was adopted from an orphanage in Hawaii. But when he clicked on a website that featured missing kids, he was shocked to see a picture of himself. He was searching missing kids in Hawaii from 34 years ago, and a computer-generated image of a boy named Max Panama Barnes looked eerily like the adult Carter. More investigation revealed that Barnes had been kidnapped by his birth mother at the age of 6 months. When she wound up in a mental institution, he was placed in an orphanage with no name, where he was then adopted. How awesome is it to solve a missing kid case that's your own?
Everyone likes pizza, so we wanted to compile some of best pizza wins and worst pizza fails from around the Internet. Make sure you're on the winning side the next time you order up your favorite pie.
As for this one, we think it's just about done.
Something about this doesn't look "normal."
Once you order from here, you always seem to order once a year for the rest of your life.
This is the greatest pizza ever delivered. Slayer would be proud.
Oops.
Let's face it: more pizza places should be called this.
It might help if the delivery guy didn't hold the box on its side the whole way.
Even nerds love pizza.
You might love pizza, but it's rare for a pizza to love you back.
We're no scientists, but we think there's a pizza in your air bubble.
Just cheese? C'mon, man. If you're trying to impress a girl, the least you could do is throw a few toppings on there.
The pizza-delivery guy is finally putting geometry class to good use.
Finish it!
Probably should've just opted to eat it cold.
Just like on the box!
There always one asshole at every pizza party.
If there's one thing that can be depended on to scare the piss out of middle America, it's Satan worship. When people pledge allegiance to the big red guy, they're capable of pretty much anything. While many satanic crimes actually turn out to be horribly overblown, there are some that are so grisly that they really give the whole deal a bad name. In this feature, we'll shine the cold light of justice on 10 of the most horrific satanic cult acts in human history.
Say You Love Satan, 1984
The '80s were the peak of satanic panic in America, with parents freaking out over dark influences in music, movies and roleplaying games. While most of it was hokum, there were real Satan-obsessed creeps out there. One such person was Ricky Kasso, a Long Island burnout who was into two things: drugs and the occult. After stealing a skull and other items from a local cemetery, Kasso was hospitalized but released soon after. He then rounded up a posse and murdered associate Gary Lauwers in the woods, holding a knife to his throat and commanding him to "Say you love Satan" before gouging out his eyeballs and burying him. Kasso later claimed that Satan, in the form of a black crow, had given him the order to snuff Lauwers.
Satanic Threesome, 2011
If you're looking for sex on the Internet, you have to expect that you're going to meet some weirdos. And if you're looking for satanic sex, you're going to end up in trouble. In 2011, a young man from Arizona met a pair of Milwaukee women who invited him to travel to their home for a three-way. Upon arriving, the man engaged in sex with the two women, Raven Larrabee and Rebecca Chandler, but then they tied him up with duct tape and began cutting him with knives, inflicting over 300 wounds onto his body. He escaped, and cops followed the blood trail to the women's apartment, taking them both into custody and finding a number of occult and satanic books on the premises.
Russian Goth Murders, 2008
Obviously, the biggest sacrifice you can give the dark lord Satan is to spill blood for him, and a quartet of Russian devil worshippers did so with gusto in 2008. Led by the charismatic and disturbing Nikolai Ogolobyak, the group lured four teenagers into the woods outside of Yaroslavl and proceeded to stab each one of them exactly 666 times before cutting off their genitals, scalping them and removing some of the most tender meat to cook and eat over a bonfire. After some of the remains were found in a pit outside of Ogolobyak's house, the four were arrested and sentenced to as much as 20 years in prison.
Beasts of Satan, 1998
On their own, Satanists aren't particularly threatening. It's when they buddy up with each other that murders happen. One of the most fearsome devil-worshipping groups in Europe was Italy's Beasts of Satan, a loosely organized tribe of heavy-metal lovers. They claimed their first blood in 1998 with the ritual double murder of Chiara Marino and Fabio Tollis, two teenagers who were actually friends with the group. The group's ringleaders, Andrea Volpe, Nicola Sapone and Mario Maccione, buried the corpses in the woods and screamed "Now you're both zombies!" at the grave. Six years later, Volpe killed another two people, and the police investigation led to the previous two bodies as well. Sapone got a life sentence and the other members caught 25-year bids.
Ripper Crew, 1981
Do you know why they tell kids to keep away from unmarked vans? It's because of creeps like the Ripper Crew. Between 1981 and 1982, this quartet of satanic sickos led by former John Wayne Gacy employee Robin Gecht drove around Chicago picking up prostitutes in their van. Once they landed a streetwalker, they would take her back to Gecht's apartment and murder her while Gecht read from the Satanic Bible. Then they would chop off the prostitute's breasts and desecrate them before eating them. Thankfully, their reign of terror was soon stopped, and all four members received the death penalty for their grisly actions.
Jealous Killing, 1995
Worshipping Satan doesn't necessarily mean that you'll turn to evil, but it does give some people the inner strength to carry out nefarious deeds. Christa Pike was an ordinary high-school dropout working with the Job Corps in Tennessee when she began to get jealous that a co-worker had designs on her boyfriend. Along with the boyfriend and another woman, Pike lured the victim, 19-year-old Colleen Slemmer, to the woods, where they began beating and stabbing her, even carving a pentagram in her chest. The killing blow came when Pike crushed Slemmer's skull with a piece of asphalt. She even kept a fragment of the cranial bone as a grisly souvenir. Within a day and a half, the trio were arrested, with copies of the Satanic Bible found in the boyfriend's room. Pike was given the death penalty.
Slayed for Satan, 1995
Heavy-metal music is one of the most common soundtracks for Satanism, and the 1995 murder of San Luis Obispo teen Elyse Pahler brought one of the world's greatest metal bands under serious scrutiny. Pahler was lured from her house one summer evening by three male acquaintances who murdered her and had sex with her corpse as part of a satanic ritual to give their garage-metal band, Hatred, the "craziness" they felt they needed to make it big. Over the next few months, the creeps returned to the body to further violate it until it was discovered in March of 1996 when one of the three confessed. Pahler's parents tried to sue metal band Slayer, claiming that the band's music made the three teens commit the vile act, but a judge threw it out of court.
Black-Metal Bloodbath, 1998
It's interesting that some of these Satan worshippers have the charisma necessary to draw other people into their bizarre acts. Finnish metalhead Jarno Elg strangled and murdered a 23-year-old man in 1998 after torturing him and eating some of his body parts. The amazing thing is that Elg actually got three other men to come over and help him out, all the while blasting death metal by the band Ancient. After one of the corpse's legs was found at a dump site, police traced the corpse back to Elg and his cohorts, and sent Elg to prison for life.
Satan's Orders, 2001
If you saw German couple Manuela and Daniel Ruda walking down the street, you'd probably have gotten out of their way. The imposing Satanists had mouths fitted with vampire fangs and upside-down crosses shaved in their hair, and often supped on human blood. In 2001, Rudel allegedly received a spiritual message from Satan asking for a sacrifice, so he invited co-worker Frank Hackert over to his house, knocked him unconscious, hung him upside down and stabbed him 66 times before carving a pentagram into his chest. Cops found the body and hauled the love-struck killers in, and they're now both committed to a secure mental institution in Germany.
The Night Stalker, 1985
Satanism and serial killing go together like a hand in a tight-fitting black glove, and perhaps the most notorious murderer in thrall to the devil was Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. Ramirez terrorized Los Angeles with his seemingly random crimes, which saw him attacking women, raping and murdering them and sometimes leaving drawings of pentagrams behind. Ramirez claimed 14 victims in his brief killing career, and when he was arrested, he claimed to police that he was a minion of Satan sent to Earth to carry out atrocities for the devil.
This is Donna Feldman, a tall, striking, dark-haired, brown-eyed supermodel and actress. In the last 10 years, she has appeared in countless high-fashion and men's magazines (Maxim, FHM, GQ and Esquire). She has also appeared on numerous TV shows and was in the 2008 movie, "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." Click on to see more stunning photos of Donna Feldman, and learn more about her.
Donna Feldman was born in Calabasas, Calif. in 1982. Her parents are Israeli of Jewish descent from Russia and Poland.
Before pursuing modeling full-time, Feldman graduated from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in California.
In 2003, Donna was featured in the Justin Timberlake music video for "Senorita."
Donna got her big break in 2005 when she distracted the eyes of international TV viewers during the Academy Awards as the stunning hostess hired to escort Oscar winners across the stage.
Her Academy Awards appearance led to a spot on the TV game show "Deal or No Deal." Feldman held the No. 22 suitcase for most of the first season.
After that, Donna Feldman became a regular cast member of My Network TV's primetime soap series, "Fashion House," as the conniving vixen Gloria.
After seeing Feldman in Stuff magazine, Adam Sandler offered her a role in his 2008 movie, "You Don't Mess With the Zohan."
Donna Feldman has also appeared on the TV shows, "Las Vegas," "Chuck" and "Castle."
Currently, Feldman can be seen playing a super-sexy daredevil girl in the new Visa Black Card commerical.
In the March 2010 issue of FHM Australia, Donna Feldman was given the title America's Hottest New Superstar Model.
Feldman has also appeared in music videos for Dwight Yoakam and Sugar Ray.
In 2008, Feldman was ranked No. 17 in FHM South Africa's 100 Sexiest Women in the World list.
Donna's seductive charisma and dark, sultry features are only leading to more modeling and acting gigs, so be prepared to see plenty more of her in 2012 and beyond.
"I'm going into next season with the mentality that I'll do anything I can to get any edge possible, and now I'm focusing on nutrition and what I can do off the field," Newton says. "That means I watch what I put into my body, whether it's an hour before a workout or practice, or an hour after. It's about helping me build up the right way instead of being sore the next day. And it's completely new for me and a big morale booster." (The QB doesn't need any work in the swagger department--learn 
