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Anthony Jeselnik's 10 Favorite Moments from Season 1 of The Jeselnik Offensive

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Anthony Jeselnik is a wonderful man. His show, The Jeselnik Offensive, which starts its second season at 10:30pm tonight on Comedy Central, finds a way to delicately tread through the more difficult issues our society struggles to come to grips with.

Just kidding, he's a brutal comedian who ruthlessly mocks everything from cancer to Anne Frank while laughing at AIDS babies. And that's why we like him very, very much.

To celebrate the second season of The Jeselnik Offensive, we asked him to look back and give us his 10 favorite moments from the first season. We included video clips when they were available. Take it away, Anthony...

10. Is That a Baby in the Dryer?
Anthony Jeselnik: One of my favorite panel games. Our graphics guy, Nate, made a clip of a lifeless baby spinning in a dryer and we played different sound effects. Panelists had to guess if the sound was a baby in a dryer or not. One answer was a baby, one was a Panini maker, one was towels, and the last was three babies in a dryer. Classic.

9. Baby 9/11

Anthony Jeselnik: This was one of those bits I thought up years ago and then got to put on the show. Dress up two babies to look like the Twin Towers? Check. Spoon feed the baby while saying "Here comes the airplane." Check. Baby explodes? Check. People either loved this one or hated it. Wonderful.


8. Stuebenville Rape Joke
Anthony Jeselnik: Another of my favorite monologue jokes of the year. "Two teenagers in Stuebenville, Ohio were sentenced to just three years after being found guilty of raping a girl while she was passed out drunk. They actually could have gotten six years in prison, but they weren't pirating music." Nothing beats a rape joke that gets applause.


7. Tom Brady Monologue Joke
Anthony Jeselnik: One of my favorite monologue jokes of the year. "It's rumored that a current NFL player is strongly considering coming out of the closet within the next few months. Insiders wonder whether the player will be ostracized for being gay, or praised for having the courage to quarterback the Patriots to three Super Bowl championships." I hate the Patriots!

6. Black Name Spelling Bee

Anthony Jeselnik: This was an audience game where contestants had to spell some more difficult common African-American names. The best part? Our one black contestant correctly spelled Dont'a Hightower. Minds were blown.

5. Which Kind of Asian is This?

Anthony Jeselnik: This was a game where audience members came out and tried to identify the ethnicity of an Asian person in a photograph. Four contestants, four wrong answers. And a lot of fun.

4. Oscar Pistorious Panel

Anthony Jeselnik: The Oscar Pistorious murder case is ideal material for The Jeselnik Offensive. For some reason, it's okay to laugh at a woman being killed if her killer is a famous athlete with no legs. Patton Oswalt and Nick Kroll dove right in with me. Half the jokes were made up on the spot.

3. Top 3 Things We Can't Talk About
Anthony Jeselnik: The Boston Marathon bombing happened a few days before our season finale. Our corporate overlords refused to let us mention the tragedy on the show in any way. So we came up with this huge F-you to Comedy Central.

2. Cancer Stand Up

​Anthony Jeselnik: In our first episode, I did stand up jokes in front of a group of people currently battling cancer. This bit is everything The Jeselnik Offensive is all about. Starts out uncomfortable. Ends hilariously.

1. Shark Party
anthony jeselnik shark party, jeselnik offensive
Anthony Jeselnik: Shark Party was my favorite bit from the first season of The Jeselnik Offensive. I did a choreographed dance number with girls dressed like sharks and then got a lap dance from a giant shark. All to tastefully mock the victim of a fatal shark attack.

Watch the season 2 premiere of The Jeselnik Offensive at 10:30pm tonight on Comedy Central with guests Amy Schumer and Jim Norton. And follow Anthony on Twitter.

 

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Joselyn Cano Can Do No Wrong

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Motorcyclist Goes the Extra Mile (Literally) to Save Coffee Mug

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If more dudes on motorcycles went around performing good deeds like this, we'd probably be a lot less pissed off when they unexpectedly zoom past us on the freeway going 90 mph and make us piss our pants. Either way, we're proud of this guy, and judging by his little celebration at the very end, he's pleased with himself, too.

 

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Border Collie Writes Enlightening Op-Ed Piece For Local Paper

8 Real Real American Heroes

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A Helpful Guide for Summer Camp Counselors

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The Longer Dwight Howard Went Unsigned: An Accurate Graph

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Ridiculous Captions Make iStockphotos Much Better


Roman Gladiators vs. American Gladiators

Today's Funniest Photos 7-10-13

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Hey Cleveland, It's Time to Let Go of This Whole LeBron Thing

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By Stephen M. Zorio


Three years ago, LeBron James ripped the hearts out of Cavaliers fans in a nationally televised spectacle that should have shamed everyone involved with it.

lebron james, let it go cleveland

It was seen, rightly, as a needlessly indulgent spectacle that obsequiously catered to the whims of a petulant superstar while showing scant regard for the fans who backed him. Jim Gray cemented his reputation as a man who will do anything to be on TV. ESPN proved the spectacle, once again, matters more than the substance.

Fans burned jerseys and attacked LeBron in every medium possible. Dan Gilbert used a font usually found in the diaries of teen shut-ins to vent to make some foolish claims. Claims of racism (not totally unfounded) were levied and the painfully awkward Heat pre-celebration party fueled the hatred even further.

The anger took on a life of its own, culminating in thousands of people (me included) rooting against LeBron/for the Mavericks.

And then LeBron choked and then we all laughed at him and wondered if he'd ever win and then we all got over it ... except for Cleveland.

Many of us know the person who, despite frantic attempts to cut them off with, 'Right, you've told this story ...' plow ahead anyway, regaling you with the 287th version of the time that one person did that one thing and everyone laughed/cried/sealed the emergency exits and prepared for a memorable death.

What becomes clear in the many tellings and re-tellings is that the story has a great personal significance to the person telling it, but little in the way of actual significance.

And while some portion of us will squirm politely and pretend we don't know precisely what Uncle Jeff said to the waitress (it was racist), the rest wish desperately for the story to end. Not because the story was without merit initially, but because at some point it becomes a dull obsession.

Cleveland, we are Uncle Jeff (minus the racism).

lebron james, let it go cleveland

A quick aside on the we: I have been a Cavs and Indians fan since 1983. I have a Kenny Lofton bobblehead on my desk. I lived in Ohio during both The Drive and The Fumble. I have seen the inversely proportionate highlight (Jordan rises, Ehlo falls down) often enough that I have fever dreams about it. I remember the 'Can the Cavs Finally Jam?' Sports Illustrated cover (no, they could not) and Gerald Wilkins calling himself 'The Jordan Stopper' (no, he most certainly was not). I loathe the Marlins. I have NBA League Pass to watch the Cavs (Anthony Bennet ... huh) and MLB League Pass to watch the Tribe (thanks for chasing Terry Francona out, Boston).

In short, when it comes to Cleveland sports, I get it. But, more pointedly, where it comes to LeBron, I got it. Note the verb tense.

It's time to let the LeBron vitriol go. To be fair, this applies to more than just Cleveland fans, but Cavs fans seem to fuel it and provide cover for people who stupidly rip his skill set. Let's be clear: We are watching one of the greatest players to ever set foot on an NBA court. The reflexive response here is something along the lines of 'derrrrr Jordan,' but that is both a nearly impossible standard and irrelevant.

But stats aside, let's look at The Decision for what it was at its core: A 24-year-old male made a poor choice and recorded it. That's it. At its heart, it featured a young man doing a foolish and imperious thing, save that it was writ large.

Putting aside his bizarre final games, the guy holds a stunning number of Cavs records. He carried a franchise to their first ever NBA Finals appearance with a roster that had no business being there. And he almost did it a second time save for a freakishly hot shooting Magic team. He watched a long line of castoffs miss wide open 3s (Donyell Marshall, I'm looking at you). He suffered through Mike Brown's (sigh) bizarre refusal to run an actual offense and watched as a series of second bananas either said no the Cavs or failed in that role.

Yes, he was paid a lot of money and became very rich in the process, but so did the Cavaliers. The city itself benefited from his presence, likely in very concrete and measurable economic terms. LeBron was the best player to ever don a Cavs uniform by far. So the entire loyalty argument is out the door.

lebron james, let it go cleveland

Besides, it's time to be honest about this: Think of yourself in your mid-20s. You can take a lot of money and stay in Cleveland where the weather is ... gray ... a lot. Or you can take a lot of money and go live in Miami and be surrounded by gorgeous women and amazing culture and miles of beaches. Not to mention that you finally get that second guy the Cavs could never land. What is so unfathomable about that choice? Seriously, go look at the forecasts for those two cities right now. It's not a contest and it's foolish to act like it doesn't matter.

Yes, the way in which LeBron left was idiotic. And he has admitted as much. To wit: "[If] I was a fan, and I was very passionate about one player, and he decided to leave, I would be upset too about the way he handled it."

But he left and it's not an unpardonable offense. Young men have been making stupid decisions for tens of thousands of years. This site has ample proof of that. Sure, it was unfair to elevate that decision into a public spectacle, but it's unfair to crucify LeBron for doing something that, fundamentally, is so unremarkable as to be pedestrian.

So move past him, concentrate on the future, hope Kyrie Irving can stay healthy and that Dion Waiters is a legit two and that Anthony Bennett proves Chris Grant is a mad genius. But let LeBron go. For now. And pray his next decision has him coming back.

 

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Exclusive: Free Tickets to See 'The World's Greatest Tribute Bands' Season 2 Live

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GREAT news, music fans: The World's Greatest Tribute Bands is back for a second season! Starting July 15th, every Monday you can tune in to AXS TV to join host Katie Daryl as she leads the rest of us on a mission to find bands that have devoted their time and talent to paying homage to some of the greatest bands of all time.

Not only can you watch all of these epic concerts on LIVE national TV, but you can actually be there in person! Each show is performed in front of a live audience at the Roxy Theatre in Hollywood, Calif. The shows this season pay tribute to all of your favorites including Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Bon Jovi, Depeche Mode and more. The season premier kicks it all off with a tribute to David Bowie and you can be a part of it.



Even GREATER news: Mandatory has been given exclusive access to 100 tickets to all of the shows even if they're sold out!

The tickets are available here and will be distributed on a first-come, first-served basis. Don't miss this awesome opportunity for you to witness these incredibly entertaining performances live and in person.








"The World's Greatest Tribute Bands" is broadcast LIVE, Nationwide on AXS TV (check your local listings) every Monday 8PT/11ET from the legendary Roxy Theatre in Hollywood, Calif.

 

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Amanda Hinchcliffe's Steamy Workout

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Familiar Voices: The Faces Behind Our Favorite Cartoon Characters

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Scott Aukerman Has Really Enjoyable Fake Names on Comedy Bang! Bang!

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The comedian you see pictured below is Scott Aukerman. His name rhymes with a lot of hilarious phrases that make no sense, many of which appeared as his name during the first season of his fantastic show Comedy Bang! Bang! on IFC. Season two of the show premieres this Friday night and I really hope for all of our sakes that his graphics department never uses his real name.

scott aukerman, posh nachomanscott aukerman, stop clockermanscott aukerman, flop chonkentonscott aukerman, stop tacomanscott aukerman, hot saucermanscott aukerman, shop talkermanscott aukerman, hot soccermomscott aukerman, schock jockerman

 

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Jennifer Archuleta is One of the Sexiest WAGs of All Time

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Today's Funniest Photos 7-11-13

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Today's Funniest Photos 7-12-13

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The 31 Funniest Twitpic Jokes on Twitter

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Sometimes a joke can't be contained by just 140 characters and requires a bit of visual assistance. We searched the internet and put together 30 of the funniest Twitpics you'll ever see. Be sure to follow all these hilarious people when you're done! (Click on any of the image links to enlarge.)

 

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The Funniest GIFs of the Week - 7-11-2013

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