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Tina Wallman is the True 'Queen of Hearts'

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Playboy Model Sydney Barlette Demands Your Attention

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How a Single Guy Ages Gracefully

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Unless you're Tom Cruise, you cannot avoid aging. Getting old, weak and eventually dying from lack of strength and organ functionality is all part of life. Although those things seem far from now, the process of aging is hair loss, young man agingone that should be recognized early on in order to to handle it gracefully. By this, we mean taking care of yourself now so that down the road you won't look like Keith Richards or an old catcher's mitt. Aside from knocking boots and plastic surgery, here are a few suggestions on aging well and outliving your loved ones.

Don't Fight It

You'll only make things worse if you resist the fact that you're not getting any younger; just look at Bob Barker and Carrot Top, both very orange, fake plastic people. The efforts of cosmetic and aesthetic surgery have certainly come a long ways to make wonderfully superficial things possible, but, and it's a big "but," they don't have it down to a science.

Instead of trying to unnaturally fix everything you think is wrong with yourself, why not try focusing on the things you can control? You're a little overweight and perhaps a bit pale? Go for a run on the beach or in a park. Don't waste your hard-earned cash trying to look 25 when you're 45, because chances are it'll just frighten the people who are used to your natural mug. And if you decide to go with experimental gels, creams, pills and surgeries of the world, know that these actions have consequences, anywhere from liver failure to man boobs.

Lay Off the Dark Stuff

Coffee, soda and whiskey...these are things that taste good now but look bad later. The caffeine you pump into your shungover businessman, drunk depressed guyystem is merely a Band-Aid for your raging, aging hangovers after a night of overconsumption and dehydration, leaving you with bags under your eyes and stains across your formerly pearly whites.

Though it might be true you don't notice how bad you should feel when you're on a steady diet of poison, it's also true cigarettes, booze and caffeine are all things best done in moderation (if at all). If you were to cleanse your body of these toxins and lower your tolerance, you'd notice how damaging they are immediately and how they shouldn't be routine habits. Take a break from being so hard on yourself and get that glow back from the days you used to stay out past curfew, tomfooling with girls way younger than you.

Exfoliate

It may seem girly and overtly metrosexual, but it's not such a bad thing to try. If you're trying to keep a healthy glow and circulation in the face, while avoiding medical procedures that'll turn you into a monster, consider some quick, painless alternatives you can share with your lady love, and before you know it, you'll be doing book club and knitting sweaters together. Joy!

To exfoliate the face, you can do something as simple as mixing one teaspoon of sugar with two tablespoons of lemon juice and massaging your face for 10 minutes before rinsing it off. You'll feel lemony fresh, and it won't cost you anything compared to the shit people do to themselves under the knife. Chances are you've already inadvertently done this while drinking on a Sunday afternoon.

Get Yourself a Young Girl

But she better not be too young. Ever wonder how those rich geezers with 24-year-old girlfriends live to pitch a tent in their 90s? It's probably because the presence of youth is an infectious facade that keeps the spiritgeorge clooney, stacy keibler very alive. As a single guy who happens to be in the market for a companion, why not shoot for the stars and find someone who's fresh off the college circuit and bring a little excitement into your life.

Chances are being an ageist is a fool's errand though, as older, seasoned women are the best means for finding love that don't include Molly raves and Katy Perry dance parties, both of which get old after two to three years. But if it's not love you're looking for, young girls have been known to work.

Floss, Brush, SPF

All the things your mother, dentist and high school coach told you to do since you were too short to ride the slide at your local water park were designed to keep your teeth in your head, your skin from turning to leather and, in general, keep you from looking like trash.

To avoid the foul-mouthed gum diseases of the world, all you have to do is floss once a day after brushing. Things you think you'll do fine without, like SPF on a summer day or a jockstrap during a quick season of intramural basketball, you're not fine without, so change your ways and look out for yourself, because you're the only one who will. You may have thought you were invincible once before, but if you live all devil-may-care with your body, you'll have doctors trying to fix you your whole life, meaning a group of strangers touching you in your sleep while in a public facility.

Hydrate & Moisturize

Any list involving looking, feeling and staying healthy is going to tell you to drink water and stay hydrated. It's the natural need for the body in order to not snap, crackle or pop. Plus, it's weird to be known as the guy who sheds on other people's furniture with your dry, flaky skin like some diseased dog found on the side of the freeway. And whereas water hydrates you inside, moisturizing man washing face, hydrationis the purely topical outside ritual needed to look healthy and hydrated all the time. As a single guy, you may notice that your dick is the healthiest looking part of your body, probably because you take the time to moisturize it every time you get an itch. Just think how good you could look if you took good care of your entire body like that.

Diet, Diet, Diet

Don't go on one; just watch yours. Everybody is always talking about being overweight, but truthfully not everybody was built to be skinny. The trick is looking as healthy as you can for your body type. Start adding some greens into your regimen, and if you hate that idea, get a blender and make some smoothies so you can't tell they're going into your body.

Just eat smart and watch what crap you put in your body. If you eat something shitty, you're probably going to feel shitty, so think about that each time you eat out when you could just cook from home.

Get Those Endorphins Going

You want to eat shit even after we just got done telling you not to? That's fine, but at least exercise and work off whatever hell you just brought to your bones. It's no mystery as to why the couch-cuddling obese folks of the world won't outlive the Rob Lowes of the world; because exercising is about half the battle.

Whatever it is you do to get a sweat on, do it and make it routine. If that means shacking up with random girls you meet on Craigslist, go for it (but be safe). Running, yoga, paddle boarding and swimming are all things you can get into that are readily available no matter where you are, but if you'd rather thrust your special stuff into girls you don't know, then to each his own. The point is to get some exercise, burn off those bad food calories, stay in shape and keep the negativity at bay.

Transcend the BS

Exercising your body is a huge deal with life longevity, but so is exercising your mind. In this case, the exercise is to not exercise it at all, and it's called transcendental meditation (TM), a process for finding some tranquility that anybody can easily learn to do. You can do it ten minutes in the morning before you start the day and again before bed. The purpose is to calm your mind from the outside world and focus inward, which helps to reduce stress, anxiety, anger and all sorts of bad vibes.

You can wash your car to keep it clean and in good condition to people passing by, but if you know it's a mess on the inside, full of trash and filth, you'll still think of your car as disgusting. The same goes with your body, meaning you need to take care of what's on the inside first so that your exterior is not some fake car show that fools people passing you by.

It's as simple as finding a mantra, usually words with which you have no mental or emotional attachments, and closing your eyes in a quiet place, using repetition with your mantra to go deep inside yourself, giving you clarity and a little inner peace in your stressful life. Look it up online. It's more popular than you know, as many successful, gracefully aging people have made it a daily practice. Perhaps you should, too.

 

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"Haunted" Shopping Cart Moves By Itself, Messes With Target Customers

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Magician Rahat Hussein made shopping at Target a little more interesting for some customers recently. Hussein hollowed out a standard shopping cart and covered it in fake items so he could stroll around Target, Flinstones-style, and ambush unsuspecting shoppers. Hussein's runaway cart made its way around the store freely - until security showed up. That's when he ran out of magic and the gig was up.

More from Mandatory: The Funniest Photos You Will See Today


 

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10 Cases of 'Family Guy' Ripping Off 'The Simpsons'

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We don't want to say that "Family Guy" straight up stole these bits or concepts, as there are several reasons (including having many of the same previous writers/animators as "The Simpsons") why that would be an unfair statement. simpsons family guy mashupHell, if you look hard enough, you could find plenty of examples where the shoe is on the other foot, with "The Simpsons" seemingly using a "Family Guy" joke. Somewhere down the line we may look into that, too, but for now let's focus on the former. "The Simpsons" was around long before and ever since, and its influence on "Family Guy" is evident in these examples of instances where the show seemed to directly take from its predecessor. If you have any thoughts on this, as well as any other examples, let us know in the comments section below.

Guy Incognito

It is entirely plausible that these two jokes could have been thought of on their own. However, if you have seen "The Simpsons" episode where Homer discovers he has an exact double who was beaten unconscious by the angry barflies at Moe's Tavern, you see this strangely familiar "Family Guy" punchline coming a mile away.

The Simpsons - Season 6, Episode 11: "Fear of Flying"


Family Guy - Season 3, Episode 19: "Stuck Together, Torn Apart"


Muslim Terrorist

We already mentioned this in a previous piece, but it's worth repeating. Season 20 of "The Simpsons" featured an episode titled "Mypods and Boomsticks," in which a new Muslim family moves into town, and Homer eventually comes to suspect they are terrorists. Cut to this past season's extremely controversial episode of "Family Guy" titled "Turban Cowboy," which featured a plot so similar, it's hard to not compare the two. What makes it even more evident is that "Family Guy" has gotten much better since its previous seasons at at least not making their suspected plagiarism so obvious.

Animal Thieves

It's hard to call this a straight up ripoff by any means, but there is a striking similarity. We're not saying that it would be impossible for two completely separate people who have never seen the joke before to come up with it on their own, but it seems quite unlikely. Judge for yourself after watching the video clips.

The Simpsons - Season 6, Episode 20: "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"


Family Guy - Season 3, Episode 17: "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows"


Racetrack Hump

As if one joke from the same episode wasn't enough, "Family Guy" much more blatantly took this scenario from the "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds" episode and ran with it. However, they didn't run very far. Basically, replace Santa's Little Helper with Brian, add a few different little quippy remarks from the characters, and you have essentially the same scene played out in the same general manner.

The Simpsons - Season 6, Episode 20: "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"

Santa's Little Helper runs onto the track. Everyone thinks this mystery dog has just come out of nowhere and may win the race...and then he proceeds to just go for the humping. Now, for the "Family Guy" version...








Family Guy - Season 3, Episode 13: "Screwed the Pooch"


The Van Houtens and the Goldmans

This is something that die hard fans of both series might not have even noticed, but when you look at the Van Houten family on "The Simpsons," one thing you notice immediately is how similar Kirk, Luann, and Milhouse look to each other. Also, Milhouse has a crush on Lisa Simpson, the family's eldest daughter. Cut to "Family Guy's" Goldman family, and not only do you again have a three person family of similar looking nerdy people, but they also have a son who is constantly hitting on Meg. Coincidence? Possibly, but a little too coincidental if you ask us.

Tom Hanks

We would have let this one slide if "Family Guy" had even bothered to go with another celebrity name than "The Simpsons" did. Not to mention, not only does the joke go over much better on "The Simpsons," but it's a lot more original, too, with a twist at the end that you don't see coming. "Family Guy," on the other hand, takes a pretty lazy approach, and even if it hadn't so obviously been a rip-off, it still doesn't get much of a laugh. I mean, come on, in a previous episode Peter says Tom Hank's name twice while watching "Philadelphia," and now he doesn't even know who he is. Really?

The Simpsons - Season 13, Episode 9: "Jaws Wired Shut"


Family Guy - Season 9, Episode 10: "Friends of Peter G."


Run Like the Wind

Again, we have a similar "Tom Hanks" problem here. "Family Guy" could have even used a word like "mind" to make this joke different enough to pass as original, but chose not to. Interestingly, however, "The Simpsons" episode containing the "wind" joke's premise was actually very similar to a previous episode of "Family Guy" in season two titled "Death is a Bitch," where Peter takes on the role of Death as opposed to Homer. But since it was just one segment of three, as it was one of the shows Halloween episodes, let's just call it a wash and move on.


Hit Me

This one really speaks for itself after you watch it. It was funny the first time when Homer did it, but to do the exact same joke having it be Peter instead is just redundant. Adding to that redundancy is the fact that both sequences take place as flashbacks. How much more blatantly obvious can it get without us finally caving and just saying "Yes, this is theft"?

The Simpsons - Season 4, Episode 14: "Brother from the Same Planet"


Family Guy - Season 2, Episode 16: "There's Something About Paulie"
Click here to view

Gambling Problem

Apparently, both wives on "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" have gambling problems. That alone wouldn't be a reason enough to put this on the list. However, the scenes that reveal said addiction for the characters are essentially one and the same. They're short clips, but watch them back-to-back and tell us you don't feel like you just watched the same thing twice, with nothing but the characters themselves making it different.

The Simpsons - Season 5, Episode 10: "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"


Family Guy - Season 1, Episode 6: "The Son Also Draws"



Cutaways

This may sound like a stretch at first, but hear us out. Obviously, there are numerous shows that use cutaways for jokes. Even "The Simpsons" was no doubt not the first, as animated sitcom "The Critic" (created by writers of "The Simpsons") used them as well, and with more potency. But once "Family Guy" came along, they began to use them so much, it sort of became their schtick. In the DVD commentary for "The Simpsons" it is even mentioned that once "Family Guy" began doing them as often as they do, the writers on their show stopped.

 

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John C. McGinley on the Career of John C. McGinley

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Conspiracy: Uncle Frank Was Behind Everything In "Home Alone"

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You might remember when we analyzed all of the injuries in "Home Alone". Well, those revelations were just the tip of the iceberg, so I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you. I'm going to open your eyes to an ugly truth that has been overlooked for decades. It's plain and simple, Uncle Frank devised a plan to rob the McCallister's home and have Kevin murdered. I will present irrefutable evidence, so I hope you can keep an open mind because you will never be able to watch Home Alone the same way again. Let's start at the beginning.

home alone, uncle frank

We all know Uncle Frank as a cheapskate who refuses to financially contribute to anything other than his own personal gain. When the pizza is delivered for everyone, not only does he not offer to pay or even split the bill, but goes so far as to say "My brother's house, he'll take care of it." You probably heard that and thought it was just about the pizza, but that's an interesting choice of words, don't you think?

"My BROTHER'S HOUSE. He'll TAKE CARE of it."

This is our first indication - and the first time Frank slips up - to what Frank has planned. He is going to have his brother's house robbed while they're all away on a vacation that his brother paid for! Here Frank is basically saying "You see this? It's my brother's house and he is going to pay for it."

But Frank's plans don't stop there. He's also planning to have Kevin murdered. Watch this puppet master at work:

home alone, uncle frank

When Fuller asks what time they're getting up in the morning Frank busts in immediately and declares "Early! We're leaving at 8am on the dot!" I wonder why he said that? Was it because he wanted everyone in bed as soon as possible so they would forget about Kevin being on the third floor? "But wait!" you say. "Kevin hasn't been sent to the third floor yet!" Well my friend, watch Frank the master work his magic.

home alone, uncle frank

After making sure Buzz and the others quickly had all the cheese pizza, Frank knew it would set Kevin into a spiral of rage. He made sure the milk was placed next to the tickets. Then to make sure Kevin got sent to the third floor where he would be forgotten, Frank interrupts Kevin's explanation of why he shoved Buzz and yells "Look what you did you little jerk!" First off, if I were Mr. McCallister I would have punched Frank in his face for talking to my kid that way. But I'm not Mr. McCallister. Frank knew that his younger brother would be intimidated by him and would be sure to punish Kevin if he knew he was upset. This gets Kevin to the third floor. On to the next step.

home alone, uncle frank

Frank knocked out the power! We don't see what anyone is doing through the night and we also don't see any rain or lightning. Is it not possible that Frank went out and broke a limb to knock out the power, thus insuring that everyone would be in chaos the next morning and forget about Kevin? Re-watch the scene, we never see the other end of the branch. We only see it breaking off. If you dusted that branch, it would have Frank's dirty fingerprints all over it.

home alone, uncle frank

It's the next morning and everyone is in disarray trying to get ready to go to the airport. But what if they do a head count? Frank was prepared. I'm sure he saw the neighbor kid outside playing and told him to come over first thing in the morning to check out the cool vans that would be stopping by. What kid could resist? It's the perfect cover. This kid was around the same age, same size, same build, a suitable replica. As soon as the head count is over and Frank is in the clear, guess who walks out the front door?

home alone, uncle frank

You guessed it, Uncle Frank, along with any adult who may have noticed something was off during the head count. He distracted them long enough for his plan to be pulled off. He is the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing.

If you still don't believe that Uncle Frank only cares about himself and would steal from anyone, then let me refresh your memory on this moment:

home alone, uncle frank

Frank is in first class, courtesy of his brother might I remind you, when he realizes he's just been handed real crystal. What does he do? He forces his wife to steal them! Obviously the airline is going to notice missing crystal, but Frank doesn't care because he didn't buy the tickets. Peter McCallister bought the tickets and therefore Peter McCallister would be charged for the missing items. It's Frank's gain and Peter's loss. Frank simply does not care who he hurts.

Suddenly, there's an unexpected event. Kate realizes they forgot Kevin. This is sooner than Frank expected, so what does he do? He slips up again. This time revealing how little he thinks of Kevin's life.

home alone, uncle frank

Frank exclaims "If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses."
Reading glasses? You're comparing the life of a young child to your cheap bifocals? It's clear that Frank has become so disconnected to human emotions that he can no longer even communicate on a sensible level. Frank hates Kevin and it should be apparent to everyone by now.

The family gets to the airport and Kate has everyone calling anyone they can possible get in contact with to check on Kevin. She gives Aunt Leslie her address book so she and Uncle Frank can call everyone in it. A few minutes later Leslie says that they've called everyone without luck. Well that's strange, if you had already called everyone, then who is Frank talking to on the phone?

home alone, uncle frank

Are you ready for this? Frank hired Marv and Harry to rob the McCallister's house! He made the call here to let them know that they could rob the house. Of course he didn't tell them about Kevin. His plan was for them to stumble upon him and be forced to kill him to cover up their tracks. This way it wouldn't cost him money to have him killed, it would seem as though it was their decision. Even in this, Frank is showing how cheap he really is.

After Marv and Harry realize there's something suspicious with Kevin, they make a plan to go rob the house. When the time comes, Frank is ready to celebrate.

home alone, uncle frank

Look at everyone else. They're worried and exhausted, but not Frank. He's running around with jumbo shrimp to hand out as he gloats over what he thinks is the perfect crime. Little does he know that Kevin deterred Marv and Harry with an intricate rope and pulley system.

home alone, uncle frank

Kevin thought he was just getting rid of some petty thieves, but he more than likely saved his own life that night.

After learning what happened we never see Frank on screen again. Where did he go? We don't know for sure, but here's something that we can know for sure: Marv and Harry get extremely violent after this. Ask yourself this question; if they knew someone was in that house, why not just rob the others and skip that one? Why take the risk? Because that was the only one they were getting paid to knock off! Frank more than likely informed them that, because of their sloppy work, they would need to eliminate Kevin because he would be able to identify them. How else can you explain this:

home alone, uncle frank

Marv and Harry go from robbers to murderers this quickly? Sure Kevin caused them some pain, but to murder a child isn't something you take on lightly. Their description is sadistic as they psychologically torture him by telling him how they plan to slowly murder him. Why? Because Frank is upset and he's informed them that unless they want to go back to jail, they'd better kill him and they'd better make it hurt.

Thank goodness Marv and Harry fail and Kevin lives.

home alone, uncle frank

When the family finally reunites there is a noticeable missing face. Where's Uncle Frank? Did he have to get back to his home so soon? Possibly. Or is it more reasonable to think that Frank was so disgusted with is failed plan that he refused to go back and face his failure? You are a monster, Uncle Frank. You should be ashamed of yourself and the pain you caused this family.

home alone, uncle frank

Goodbye Uncle Frank. It looks like your plan of evil didn't succeed after all.

 

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Today's Funniest Photos 7-16-13

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Inside Kanye West's Private Gmail Account

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Where Has the Sexy Luiza Freyesleben Been All Our Lives?

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The 10 Greatest Heartbreak Records

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The Top 10 Camping Dangers and How to Avoid Them

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A Penis Cake Pan Can Be Used For Many Different Types of Cakes

10 of the Most Controversial Moments in Comic Books

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The Best of the Shiba Confessions Tumblr

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The Childless Adult's Judgmental Guide To Raising Children

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Hello new parent. I see you are struggling with your child. I see you are stressed out. I see you are miserable. And you are bringing us all down with you. Well look no further. Salvation is here.

Too many parents these days simply shrug their shoulders when confronted with unacceptable behavior from their children. "They're kids. They're going to make mistakes. They're not always going to listen to authority." Wrong. They're your kids and they should do what you want. Stop acting as if you are powerless to change their actions.

For starters, I want to be clear: do not beat yourself up - you are just too close to the problem to see how terrible you are at parenting. That's why I am here. Now just to clarify, I don't have any children of my own. But really, how hard can raising a kid be? Short answer: Not hard at all. Take it from me, someone who has spent countless hours quietly judging you and your child's behavior from afar.

the childless adult's judgmental guide to raising children

 

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Today's Funniest Photos 7-17-13

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Ric Flair Fails To Pay Spousal Support, Now Has Warrant Out For His Arrest

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Warrant Out For Professional Wrestler Ric Flair

Ric Flair's life continues its downward spiral outside of the ring. A Mecklenburg judge in North Carolina has issued an arrest warrant for Flair over his failure to pay his estranged wife Jacqueline Beems over $32,000 in spousal support.

The marriage has been bitter and contentious for some time now, with Beems accusing Flair of infidelity and missed alimony payments. Flair countered those claims with his own, amongst them that Beems was a dangerous alcoholic who has struck him with a glass object.

Flair has a long history of not adhering to financial obligations. In 2011, Flair was charged with contempt of court for not complying with a $35,000 court settlement on his case with the wrestling action figures company Highspots Inc. He also failed to pay for $66,000 worth of equipment for a Gold's Gym he owned. Over the course of his post-career life Flair skipped out on paying back multiple loans and regularly didn't pay any taxes. All of those financial troubles eventually ended up nearly costing Flair his home.

Now he's back in trouble with the law again and this time it could land him in jail.

Via CSS

More from Mandatory: Wrestlers: Then and Now

 

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The George Zimmerman Guide to Potential Neighborhood Criminals

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'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' Retold Via 8-Bit Video Game Tech

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Our friends at CineFix, famous for their "Homemade Movies," have a new series titled "8-Bit Cinema" that "gamifies" your favorite Hollywood blockbusters into 80's arcade and NES inspired action. This week they present "G.I. Joe: Retaliation" in the form of an 8-bit video game.

 

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